Ethics and relationship age differences
July 2, 2018 11:08 PM Subscribe
I have a strong crush on a 17-year-old who I know through the internet, and I am trying to figure out if it would be okay for me to ask them out when they turn 18 in a few months. (I'm 25.)
We started talking online a couple years ago (originally about politics, since then about math, ethics, and our daily lives) and we've become pretty close friends. A year ago they expressed an interest in dating me, which I turned down due to ethical concerns about the age difference. I was, however, romantically attracted to them at the time, and still am. (I haven't told them this.) I'll be a lot less worried about the age difference once they're 18, but they're still going to be in high school, and I'm not sure if I should consider myself ethically in the clear.
I'm certainly not interested in manipulating or taking advantage of them, and I don't feel like I'd be likely to do so accidentally. They are first and foremost my friend and I wouldn't dream of hurting them. I think there is some asymmetry to our interaction related to the difference in life experience but probably a lot less than would be suggested by the difference in our ages: I've been in the position of giving them guidance or advice more often than the reverse, but they are one of the smartest people I know and they've been able to help me figure out how to deal with problems in my life on many occasions. And certainly I've learned a lot from them intellectually.
Any relationship would be long-distance for the forseeable future, and it's very unlikely that there would be any opportunity for us to meet in person before they graduate. (They'll be living with their parents until then, and their parents would most likely strongly disapprove of such a relationship.) Long-distance wouldn't be a new situation for either of us: We're both polyamorous and both currently in long-distance relationships. Both of us, have, however, exclusively dated people a lot closer to our respective ages. Of course, when you're polyamorous and living in different states there's much less of a script for what a romantic relationship actually consists of. And I have to admit that right now I don't know exactly what I would hope for from a relationship with them, but at the bare minimum telling them about my feelings and seeing where we both want to go from there. If the particulars of what that relationship consists of affect whether or not the age difference makes it ethically inappropriate, I would like to know how.
A couple additional questions: Our communication has become more affectionate in recent months, at their instigation but reciprocated by me. More "<3"s and "*hug*"s and a shift in tone. I definitely would not call it flirtatious and it doesn't seem like the sort of thing that's at all inappropriate to a close platonic friendship. However, given the context, it seems to me that there is a real possibility that I am (maybe sort of on purpose) encouraging an attraction to me, and if so I don't know if I'm wrong to do so. Lastly, in case this does end up happening I'd be interested in hearing anything that people can contribute on the topic of how others are likely to react. I'm pretty open with the people around me about being polyamorous and bisexual and transgender, and all of that has gone over pretty well, but I'm not sure if people would have the same attitude to this.
Of course, it could very well be that they're not romantically interested in me at all, in which case all of this is moot. But I can't find that out without asking, and I can't ask without resolving the ethical questions to my satisfaction.
We started talking online a couple years ago (originally about politics, since then about math, ethics, and our daily lives) and we've become pretty close friends. A year ago they expressed an interest in dating me, which I turned down due to ethical concerns about the age difference. I was, however, romantically attracted to them at the time, and still am. (I haven't told them this.) I'll be a lot less worried about the age difference once they're 18, but they're still going to be in high school, and I'm not sure if I should consider myself ethically in the clear.
I'm certainly not interested in manipulating or taking advantage of them, and I don't feel like I'd be likely to do so accidentally. They are first and foremost my friend and I wouldn't dream of hurting them. I think there is some asymmetry to our interaction related to the difference in life experience but probably a lot less than would be suggested by the difference in our ages: I've been in the position of giving them guidance or advice more often than the reverse, but they are one of the smartest people I know and they've been able to help me figure out how to deal with problems in my life on many occasions. And certainly I've learned a lot from them intellectually.
Any relationship would be long-distance for the forseeable future, and it's very unlikely that there would be any opportunity for us to meet in person before they graduate. (They'll be living with their parents until then, and their parents would most likely strongly disapprove of such a relationship.) Long-distance wouldn't be a new situation for either of us: We're both polyamorous and both currently in long-distance relationships. Both of us, have, however, exclusively dated people a lot closer to our respective ages. Of course, when you're polyamorous and living in different states there's much less of a script for what a romantic relationship actually consists of. And I have to admit that right now I don't know exactly what I would hope for from a relationship with them, but at the bare minimum telling them about my feelings and seeing where we both want to go from there. If the particulars of what that relationship consists of affect whether or not the age difference makes it ethically inappropriate, I would like to know how.
A couple additional questions: Our communication has become more affectionate in recent months, at their instigation but reciprocated by me. More "<3"s and "*hug*"s and a shift in tone. I definitely would not call it flirtatious and it doesn't seem like the sort of thing that's at all inappropriate to a close platonic friendship. However, given the context, it seems to me that there is a real possibility that I am (maybe sort of on purpose) encouraging an attraction to me, and if so I don't know if I'm wrong to do so. Lastly, in case this does end up happening I'd be interested in hearing anything that people can contribute on the topic of how others are likely to react. I'm pretty open with the people around me about being polyamorous and bisexual and transgender, and all of that has gone over pretty well, but I'm not sure if people would have the same attitude to this.
Of course, it could very well be that they're not romantically interested in me at all, in which case all of this is moot. But I can't find that out without asking, and I can't ask without resolving the ethical questions to my satisfaction.
Nope. Don’t do it.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 11:22 PM on July 2, 2018 [24 favorites]
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 11:22 PM on July 2, 2018 [24 favorites]
I am not averse to age gaps- my spouse is 15 years my senior- but I think that, in general, 25 year-olds are in a very different place in their lives than 18 year-olds, and that you would be doing this person a huge disservice by pursuing them and preventing them from growing, exploring and learning with their actual peers who live nearby who they can physically interact with daily.
Grown adults dating high-schoolers is not a good look, at all. I think the kindest, most ethical option is to allow this young person the fullest opportunity for their own development without the complications that would absolutely come with a polyamorous long-distance relationship with you.
posted by charmedimsure at 11:25 PM on July 2, 2018 [96 favorites]
Grown adults dating high-schoolers is not a good look, at all. I think the kindest, most ethical option is to allow this young person the fullest opportunity for their own development without the complications that would absolutely come with a polyamorous long-distance relationship with you.
posted by charmedimsure at 11:25 PM on July 2, 2018 [96 favorites]
As a queer & trans 25 y/o I would be pretty skeeved out if a friend or acquaintance did this.
posted by kylej at 11:26 PM on July 2, 2018 [17 favorites]
posted by kylej at 11:26 PM on July 2, 2018 [17 favorites]
Given the distance, I don't think pursuing this is a great idea, and I say this as someone who met their 24 year old spouse at 18. Something about the way you describe setting the stage for the relationship while the other party is still in high school rings warning bell signs for me, too.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:29 PM on July 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:29 PM on July 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
One week after I turned 18, I was approached at church for a date by a fellow church member in his mid/late 20s. We'd been friendly in passing but as I was a high schooler and he was old, I'd thought nothing of it before. I was horrified and embarrassed that he was literally waiting for the calendar page to turn to make me "of age" and therefore accessible to him as a woman, when I showed no romantic interest at all. I was in school, still getting butterflies in my stomach over the redhead in my english class and the opinions editor at the school paper. Kids my age.
It made my birthday what should have been a happy occasion into a stark lesson.
That's really a big age difference. Maybe if things develop organically when they get to college or beyond, there may be something there. It's just a weird feeling when someone you trust changes the rules just because you're legal.
posted by mochapickle at 11:31 PM on July 2, 2018 [122 favorites]
It made my birthday what should have been a happy occasion into a stark lesson.
That's really a big age difference. Maybe if things develop organically when they get to college or beyond, there may be something there. It's just a weird feeling when someone you trust changes the rules just because you're legal.
posted by mochapickle at 11:31 PM on July 2, 2018 [122 favorites]
I wouldn’t. The brain doesn’t finish fully forming until around 24. So likely yours is juuuuuust there, and theirs is 6 years away, no matter how smart they seem.
I dunno. I think the fact that you’re asking others if it’s OK is a bit of a sign. Just the fact that you were thinking about this when they were 16 is creeping me out a bit.
posted by greermahoney at 11:42 PM on July 2, 2018 [8 favorites]
I dunno. I think the fact that you’re asking others if it’s OK is a bit of a sign. Just the fact that you were thinking about this when they were 16 is creeping me out a bit.
posted by greermahoney at 11:42 PM on July 2, 2018 [8 favorites]
I don't think it's necessarily creepy because they expressed an interest in dating you first, but you still should not go for it. smart, articulate teenagers on the internet can seem much more emotionally mature than they really are.
posted by Xany at 11:57 PM on July 2, 2018 [24 favorites]
posted by Xany at 11:57 PM on July 2, 2018 [24 favorites]
Half your age, plus 7. That's the lowest possible age of your potential partner. (Rough but a good general guideline in these cases, I think.)
What kind of a relationship would you be expecting, given that it'd be long-distance, possibly poly, a potential sticking point with their parents, and somehow wedged in between all the things going on in their busy junior/senior years? Plus whatever you have going on in your sphere (job,other duties, free time)?
I think they'll end up respecting you more, in the future, knowing that you held back and let them grow up and find themselves. (I'm not saying you have to cut off communication. Just wondering, what would a confession of romantic feelings even entail at this point?)
posted by cluebucket at 12:06 AM on July 3, 2018 [11 favorites]
What kind of a relationship would you be expecting, given that it'd be long-distance, possibly poly, a potential sticking point with their parents, and somehow wedged in between all the things going on in their busy junior/senior years? Plus whatever you have going on in your sphere (job,other duties, free time)?
I think they'll end up respecting you more, in the future, knowing that you held back and let them grow up and find themselves. (I'm not saying you have to cut off communication. Just wondering, what would a confession of romantic feelings even entail at this point?)
posted by cluebucket at 12:06 AM on July 3, 2018 [11 favorites]
I was the teenager who expressed interest in men in their twenties. Every single time, it went terrible and made me feel bad. Now that I’m in my thirties, I look back on those relationships as super sketchy and exploitive, and I think less of the men who engaged in them with me. I’m not friends with any of them, even though they want to be.
Don’t be that person this teenager looks back on later in life and feels skeeved out by.
posted by corb at 12:12 AM on July 3, 2018 [83 favorites]
Don’t be that person this teenager looks back on later in life and feels skeeved out by.
posted by corb at 12:12 AM on July 3, 2018 [83 favorites]
Give it another year or so. I think it would be clarifying (and I say that without knowing the eventual outcome) to spend a good amount of time thinking about this after you perceive this person as of dating age—right now you haven't really given yourself (or them) that opportunity, so that in your construction of events you're the only person with agency. That's not going to be good for you or them.
posted by Polycarp at 12:25 AM on July 3, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by Polycarp at 12:25 AM on July 3, 2018 [7 favorites]
Don't do this. The chances that they'll look back with some perspective and see you as being gross and predatory is high. That age difference when you're both in your 30's or later isn't a big deal. Being in your mid-20's and literally waiting for a teenager to turn 18 so it seems less predatory is not a good or healthy thing. Date people your own age. Don't date people who are still high school age when you're well into adulthood.
posted by quince at 12:55 AM on July 3, 2018 [16 favorites]
posted by quince at 12:55 AM on July 3, 2018 [16 favorites]
Life is too short to have this many ethical worries about a relationship before it's even begun. There's other people you could be dating now without having to wade through a bog of apprehension just to get to the first date.
Step back, give yourselves both time to grow and experience life with people your own age. Revist the idea later if you'd like, but when they're older and have more agency and experience to make an informed decision.
As it stands, and to answer your question above the fold, this is a "no" from me.
posted by lesser weasel at 1:32 AM on July 3, 2018 [6 favorites]
Step back, give yourselves both time to grow and experience life with people your own age. Revist the idea later if you'd like, but when they're older and have more agency and experience to make an informed decision.
As it stands, and to answer your question above the fold, this is a "no" from me.
posted by lesser weasel at 1:32 AM on July 3, 2018 [6 favorites]
I think this can be fine, since you already know each other, and you seem determined to go at it sensitively and with ethical considerations. To me, age 18 means an undergrad college student, not a high-schooler -- and most of my relationships in undergrad college were with graduate students and post-grads. I turned out fine, and I don't feel like those relationships were gross. (Several of them were bad matches, but in the usual way you see with any younger people going out with each other.)
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 1:37 AM on July 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 1:37 AM on July 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
Dear OP, thank you for asking this question. You did not just decide it was okay to date your friend, even though you want to. You decided to get advice from independent folks, which I think was a wise and caring thing to do. As it happens, it is not unusual for teens to be attracted to older people who are not necessarily going to be good for them.
My advice is to cut back on the <3 and huggy stuff and simply enjoy this amazing friendship and allow it to unfold without romance. If the two of you are meant to be romantically speaking, that can still happen after your friend is older. (As a teen, I was in a couple of relationships like this. The older partner did well after it was over; I did not. It doesn't always work out badly, but usually it does.)
I have discovered a couple of nice things about being poly. 1. It's really great to have a friend I am not involved with who is also poly with whom I can share things about my life that I cannot share easily with others. 2. If I am attracted to friends who are also poly, I can always explore the possibility of a romantic relationship with them when the time is right.
Again, thank you for asking this question. You are not an asshole for being attracted to your friend. Your friend is not an asshole for being attracted to you. But please stop preparing your friend for a romance that will probably end badly for both of you because of where you are in your lives at the moment.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:38 AM on July 3, 2018 [46 favorites]
My advice is to cut back on the <3 and huggy stuff and simply enjoy this amazing friendship and allow it to unfold without romance. If the two of you are meant to be romantically speaking, that can still happen after your friend is older. (As a teen, I was in a couple of relationships like this. The older partner did well after it was over; I did not. It doesn't always work out badly, but usually it does.)
I have discovered a couple of nice things about being poly. 1. It's really great to have a friend I am not involved with who is also poly with whom I can share things about my life that I cannot share easily with others. 2. If I am attracted to friends who are also poly, I can always explore the possibility of a romantic relationship with them when the time is right.
Again, thank you for asking this question. You are not an asshole for being attracted to your friend. Your friend is not an asshole for being attracted to you. But please stop preparing your friend for a romance that will probably end badly for both of you because of where you are in your lives at the moment.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:38 AM on July 3, 2018 [46 favorites]
I have been both the teenager and the twenty-something in situations similar to this (lots of deeply meaningful online relationships, wonderful interactions with folks on a wide spectrum of ages and identities, the big difference being that I'm not poly). It never worked out if I went for it and if I mentioned it to others before going for it they would freak out and judge me in unexpected but super relevant ways.
Take the long distance out of it - it would be gross and bad, right? I have found that really it's the same online as it is in meatspace. They're both reality, you know? We have to respect each other the same, express ourselves the same, avoid pitfalls the same. I think that if this person is someone you really care about, you will keep in touch as friends. I have certainly kept in touch with some of my online crushes as we've lived and changed and it's been really illuminating and rewarding. Your person will get to a place in terms of experience and agency where you can tell them how you feel, if you still feel that way. Don't depend on it, but be patient all the same. Either way focus on the friendship you have and the ways you can be kind without placing demands or expectations on them. Enjoy being kind.
posted by Mizu at 1:40 AM on July 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
Take the long distance out of it - it would be gross and bad, right? I have found that really it's the same online as it is in meatspace. They're both reality, you know? We have to respect each other the same, express ourselves the same, avoid pitfalls the same. I think that if this person is someone you really care about, you will keep in touch as friends. I have certainly kept in touch with some of my online crushes as we've lived and changed and it's been really illuminating and rewarding. Your person will get to a place in terms of experience and agency where you can tell them how you feel, if you still feel that way. Don't depend on it, but be patient all the same. Either way focus on the friendship you have and the ways you can be kind without placing demands or expectations on them. Enjoy being kind.
posted by Mizu at 1:40 AM on July 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
"I'm certainly not interested in manipulating or taking advantage of them.
.........
it seems to me that there is a real possibility that I am (maybe sort of on purpose) encouraging an attraction to me, and if so I don't know if I'm wrong to do so."
These two statements are in direct conflict.
I've been in the position of giving them guidance or advice.
I would strongly suggest otherwise. You're not their parent or guardian. In fact, you haven't even met them in person because, you admit,
it's very unlikely that there would be any opportunity for us to meet in person before they graduate. (They'll be living with their parents until then, and their parents would most likely strongly disapprove of such a relationship.
... that both of their parents wouldn't approve of your relationship, presently or in the future.
I would guess that could be because you, a person in your mid 20's, made and became close friends with someone who was 15 years old or younger, over the internet, with whom you were and are romantically interested in, and have feigned being a platonic friend and mentor to, while having "a strong crush" and romantic intrests in said young person:
"We started talking online a couple years ago.
......
I have a strong crush on a 17-year-old who I know through the internet, and I am trying to figure out if it would be okay for me to ask them out when they turn 18 in a few months. (I'm 25.)
I personally think, given what you've described, that asking this person out would not be ok at all.
Our communication has become more affectionate in recent months, at their instigation but reciprocated by me. More "<3"s and "*hug*"s and a shift in tone. I definitely would not call it flirtatious and it doesn't seem like the sort of thing that's at all inappropriate to a close platonic friendship
.......
I'd be interested in hearing anything that people can contribute on the topic of how others are likely to react.
I'm wondering why at age 25 are you legitimately unsure as to whether or not close friends communicate this way. Do you have real life similar aged friends you can compare this to or run this by?
I'd also strongly disagree that your friendship is platonic at all: they've previously asked you out, and you have long term motives in and behind eventually asking them out.
My real life experiences suggest that others are likely to react to this very very poorly and are likely to view it suspiciously as an engineered situation and grooming behaviour your part.
posted by OnefortheLast at 2:18 AM on July 3, 2018 [33 favorites]
.........
it seems to me that there is a real possibility that I am (maybe sort of on purpose) encouraging an attraction to me, and if so I don't know if I'm wrong to do so."
These two statements are in direct conflict.
I've been in the position of giving them guidance or advice.
I would strongly suggest otherwise. You're not their parent or guardian. In fact, you haven't even met them in person because, you admit,
it's very unlikely that there would be any opportunity for us to meet in person before they graduate. (They'll be living with their parents until then, and their parents would most likely strongly disapprove of such a relationship.
... that both of their parents wouldn't approve of your relationship, presently or in the future.
I would guess that could be because you, a person in your mid 20's, made and became close friends with someone who was 15 years old or younger, over the internet, with whom you were and are romantically interested in, and have feigned being a platonic friend and mentor to, while having "a strong crush" and romantic intrests in said young person:
"We started talking online a couple years ago.
......
I have a strong crush on a 17-year-old who I know through the internet, and I am trying to figure out if it would be okay for me to ask them out when they turn 18 in a few months. (I'm 25.)
I personally think, given what you've described, that asking this person out would not be ok at all.
Our communication has become more affectionate in recent months, at their instigation but reciprocated by me. More "<3"s and "*hug*"s and a shift in tone. I definitely would not call it flirtatious and it doesn't seem like the sort of thing that's at all inappropriate to a close platonic friendship
.......
I'd be interested in hearing anything that people can contribute on the topic of how others are likely to react.
I'm wondering why at age 25 are you legitimately unsure as to whether or not close friends communicate this way. Do you have real life similar aged friends you can compare this to or run this by?
I'd also strongly disagree that your friendship is platonic at all: they've previously asked you out, and you have long term motives in and behind eventually asking them out.
My real life experiences suggest that others are likely to react to this very very poorly and are likely to view it suspiciously as an engineered situation and grooming behaviour your part.
posted by OnefortheLast at 2:18 AM on July 3, 2018 [33 favorites]
Yikes. I'm reading this a lot differently than most others. I work with teenagers and in my world, we call your behavior grooming.
You believe your intentions are noble, but your description of this relationship--friends with a kid for years and now feeling attracted to them and planning your future is exactly how people who sexually abuse kids feel. Friend, your script is directly from the child abuse handbook.
One of the realities of those who groom and hurt kids is they honestly believe they're helping those kids. They honestly love them and they don't want to hurt them.
I think you need to end things with this teenager and most definitely talk to a therapist about this. Maybe I'm really off base, but in case I'm not you need to recognize your intentions here are not entirely healthy.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:27 AM on July 3, 2018 [100 favorites]
You believe your intentions are noble, but your description of this relationship--friends with a kid for years and now feeling attracted to them and planning your future is exactly how people who sexually abuse kids feel. Friend, your script is directly from the child abuse handbook.
One of the realities of those who groom and hurt kids is they honestly believe they're helping those kids. They honestly love them and they don't want to hurt them.
I think you need to end things with this teenager and most definitely talk to a therapist about this. Maybe I'm really off base, but in case I'm not you need to recognize your intentions here are not entirely healthy.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:27 AM on July 3, 2018 [100 favorites]
This doesn't sound like a good idea. You're already feeling guilt and shame, having difficulty not taking advantage, and that's likely to only intensify. No matter how tempting this relationship may appear, I believe by not engaging you are likely dodging a bullet.
posted by xammerboy at 2:43 AM on July 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by xammerboy at 2:43 AM on July 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
No. At these ages, this age gap is too much and your life experience too different. This is not a viable relationship and you need to dial back on anything that might encourage her to continue harboring romantic thoughts. This person is not a potential partner for you.
posted by Stacey at 3:12 AM on July 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 3:12 AM on July 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
There is virtually no difference from the day before this person turns 18 and the day after except some conceptual line where (icky) society has defined them as "fair game". To be frankly honest, this reminds me of those gross and horrible tabloid articles where they have countdowns to young actress' 18th birthdays.
I think there is some asymmetry to our interaction related to the difference in life experience but probably a lot less than would be suggested by the difference in our ages:
Your life experiences may be similar, but your perception, interpretation, and reaction to those experiences will be very different due to many factors that all boil down to the age difference. As the older person here, you need to recognise that and act responsibly and respectfully.
We're both polyamorous and both currently in long-distance relationships.
They're 17 and already dealing with relatively complex relationship issues? Please please please don't add another complication to their lives.
You do seem like you're coming from a good place and I give you credit for writing here so honestly and genuinely. Please take everyone's feedback here in good faith and walk away from this situation.
And don't just refrain from pursuing this. I would encourage you to actively disengage and take a step back from this relationship. Give them a chance to navigate these years independently. You can certainly stay in touch, but reduce contact and intimacy. As an online only connection, this should not be that difficult, although it may feel painful in the short term. But as the older person (and the one asking this question so it is on your mind) I think you need to step up and do what's best for both your futures.
posted by like_neon at 3:25 AM on July 3, 2018 [13 favorites]
I think there is some asymmetry to our interaction related to the difference in life experience but probably a lot less than would be suggested by the difference in our ages:
Your life experiences may be similar, but your perception, interpretation, and reaction to those experiences will be very different due to many factors that all boil down to the age difference. As the older person here, you need to recognise that and act responsibly and respectfully.
We're both polyamorous and both currently in long-distance relationships.
They're 17 and already dealing with relatively complex relationship issues? Please please please don't add another complication to their lives.
You do seem like you're coming from a good place and I give you credit for writing here so honestly and genuinely. Please take everyone's feedback here in good faith and walk away from this situation.
And don't just refrain from pursuing this. I would encourage you to actively disengage and take a step back from this relationship. Give them a chance to navigate these years independently. You can certainly stay in touch, but reduce contact and intimacy. As an online only connection, this should not be that difficult, although it may feel painful in the short term. But as the older person (and the one asking this question so it is on your mind) I think you need to step up and do what's best for both your futures.
posted by like_neon at 3:25 AM on July 3, 2018 [13 favorites]
This is a bad idea, and I think deep down you know this.
Your post is anonymous, not even using your regular Metafilter handle, so it seems like you're trying to cover your tracks here. I also noticed that you didn't reveal the genders involved. This makes me suspect you're an adult man with a crush on a high school girl, and maybe you sensed that people would tend to judge you more harshly than an adult woman with a crush on a 17-year-old boy. (Whether they should is a topic for another day, but it's true.) You know the person's parents would disapprove and you're worried others would too. It all adds up to make me think that you KNOW this is a bad idea but you're straining for some way to make it OK.
Listen, you really don't want to be romantically involved with a high school kid. If you have ethical questions now, they'll probably only get worse with time. Imagine listening to this person talk about how they got picked on in gym class today, or about how they kind of wanna go to the prom, or any number of other kid things. That's not your world anymore, nor should it be. Maybe you still feel like a kid in some ways yourself (25 is still damn young) but this person is a KID in ways you just aren't.
I strongly agree with like_neon that you should disengage here, even just as a friend. If you stay in this person's life you'll only be prolonging this. The misgivings you feel are entirely warranted and you need to pull away before you make mistakes you'll both regret.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:06 AM on July 3, 2018 [21 favorites]
Your post is anonymous, not even using your regular Metafilter handle, so it seems like you're trying to cover your tracks here. I also noticed that you didn't reveal the genders involved. This makes me suspect you're an adult man with a crush on a high school girl, and maybe you sensed that people would tend to judge you more harshly than an adult woman with a crush on a 17-year-old boy. (Whether they should is a topic for another day, but it's true.) You know the person's parents would disapprove and you're worried others would too. It all adds up to make me think that you KNOW this is a bad idea but you're straining for some way to make it OK.
Listen, you really don't want to be romantically involved with a high school kid. If you have ethical questions now, they'll probably only get worse with time. Imagine listening to this person talk about how they got picked on in gym class today, or about how they kind of wanna go to the prom, or any number of other kid things. That's not your world anymore, nor should it be. Maybe you still feel like a kid in some ways yourself (25 is still damn young) but this person is a KID in ways you just aren't.
I strongly agree with like_neon that you should disengage here, even just as a friend. If you stay in this person's life you'll only be prolonging this. The misgivings you feel are entirely warranted and you need to pull away before you make mistakes you'll both regret.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:06 AM on July 3, 2018 [21 favorites]
No. Lots of good comments above and I'll just add that when I see an older person seeking relationships with a younger person - especially when the age gap spans important developmental years - it makes me think they want something other than a relationship with an equal partner and a balanced power dynamic.
Don't bring more drama into this kid's life by being the thing that drives a wedge between her and her parents. Disengage and do some work on yourself.
posted by bunderful at 4:58 AM on July 3, 2018 [9 favorites]
Don't bring more drama into this kid's life by being the thing that drives a wedge between her and her parents. Disengage and do some work on yourself.
posted by bunderful at 4:58 AM on July 3, 2018 [9 favorites]
"Grooming" was the word I thought of, as well. You are kind of tending this person like a garden, encouraging them to grow in certain ways that set you up for when they are legal.
I'm good with May/December relationships, and I'm good with friendships across different ages and life experiences. But a lot of what you describe has an undertone of skeevy and way too much focus on deniability for me to buy it -- this is more than just a cross-generational friendship, and you know it.
I vote "hell no" to continuing the flirtation and grooming. You are the adult, and you should take the adult step of cutting off or severely dialing back your communications to an appropriate level.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:11 AM on July 3, 2018 [8 favorites]
I'm good with May/December relationships, and I'm good with friendships across different ages and life experiences. But a lot of what you describe has an undertone of skeevy and way too much focus on deniability for me to buy it -- this is more than just a cross-generational friendship, and you know it.
I vote "hell no" to continuing the flirtation and grooming. You are the adult, and you should take the adult step of cutting off or severely dialing back your communications to an appropriate level.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:11 AM on July 3, 2018 [8 favorites]
No.
Don’t do it. For all the reasons mentioned above. I wish my own much-older boyfriend would have gotten this advice when I was that age.
I loved it at the time, but I feel rather disgusted about the whole thing in hindsight. It was definitely not good for me in retrospect, and now I think that it was unquestionably inappropriate, and I can’t forgive him for that. It took me some time and therapy to come to this conclusion, but it set me up for other problematic romantic trouble later in life and I am honestly horrified that none of his friends told him that it was extremely not cool.
They are too young for you, and there are plenty of people your own age.
Let this person grow up and go to college. You can stay penpals I think maybe, but stop it with the hearts and let this kid be.
posted by wowenthusiast at 6:14 AM on July 3, 2018 [8 favorites]
Don’t do it. For all the reasons mentioned above. I wish my own much-older boyfriend would have gotten this advice when I was that age.
I loved it at the time, but I feel rather disgusted about the whole thing in hindsight. It was definitely not good for me in retrospect, and now I think that it was unquestionably inappropriate, and I can’t forgive him for that. It took me some time and therapy to come to this conclusion, but it set me up for other problematic romantic trouble later in life and I am honestly horrified that none of his friends told him that it was extremely not cool.
They are too young for you, and there are plenty of people your own age.
Let this person grow up and go to college. You can stay penpals I think maybe, but stop it with the hearts and let this kid be.
posted by wowenthusiast at 6:14 AM on July 3, 2018 [8 favorites]
Hoo boy. I was once the teenager in your question, albeit a little younger, but around the age your teenage friend was when you met them. I would say no. I don't hold ill feeling toward the older Internet friend I developed a crush on, but I do wish they had had the judgment to shut it down. I did not have the life experience to understand how inappropriate and socially/emotionally costly the relationship was, I just took it as proof of how mature (I thought) I was. As I reached the age they had been I gained more perspective on how unhealthy the relationship had been and it took me years to move past the hurt and truly forgive them (years gave me yet more perspective on the place they'd been in their life).
Now, I don't think you are necessarily bad or immoral to have found yourself in this situation. It sounds like you care about your friend's wellbeing and you are making an effort to seek advice to ensure you don't harm them. That's good! But with that in mind, I think the best thing you can do for your friend is to cut wayyy down on the intense emotional intimacy. Let them explore who they are and what they want in relationships with people nearby, in their life stage. Give them space to grow. Then in several years once they are a mature adult they're still interested, then perhaps it might work. A relationship that begins with you wondering if it's ethically okay is not good for either of you. (I generally think that if you have to debate with yourself if you're behaving in an ethically correct manner, you likely aren't acting in accordance with your values, and the rest is just justification).
posted by lwb at 6:23 AM on July 3, 2018 [13 favorites]
Now, I don't think you are necessarily bad or immoral to have found yourself in this situation. It sounds like you care about your friend's wellbeing and you are making an effort to seek advice to ensure you don't harm them. That's good! But with that in mind, I think the best thing you can do for your friend is to cut wayyy down on the intense emotional intimacy. Let them explore who they are and what they want in relationships with people nearby, in their life stage. Give them space to grow. Then in several years once they are a mature adult they're still interested, then perhaps it might work. A relationship that begins with you wondering if it's ethically okay is not good for either of you. (I generally think that if you have to debate with yourself if you're behaving in an ethically correct manner, you likely aren't acting in accordance with your values, and the rest is just justification).
posted by lwb at 6:23 AM on July 3, 2018 [13 favorites]
Yeah, no. Not okay, at all. Flip it around. How would you feel if this was your 17/18yo child having an intimate online relationship and possibly entering a sexual relationship with a 25yo?
posted by gnutron at 6:55 AM on July 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by gnutron at 6:55 AM on July 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have an 18 year old daughter who just graduated from high school. I have typed and erased several things and will boil it down to this: If my child was the younger person in this scenario, i would tell her that there is nothing about a 25 year old wanting to date a high school student that is a compliment. I wouldn't care if she was 19 and in high school and i wouldn't care if she expressed interest first. I would be suspicious of any 25 year old who wanted a high school kid to be a significant relationship in their life. I mean, this person might still have a curfew and want to go to the prom and a 25 year old can theorectically do whatever they want.
Age differences become much less of a deal once people are out of college, but right now it is a no go.
posted by domino at 7:07 AM on July 3, 2018 [13 favorites]
Age differences become much less of a deal once people are out of college, but right now it is a no go.
posted by domino at 7:07 AM on July 3, 2018 [13 favorites]
Why not wait until your friend is 20 or 21 and then revisit the possibility of dating when it's no longer age-inappropriate? especially because you guys are both polyamorous and seeing other people anyway and are already having your emotional and sexual needs met by other people.
posted by ball00000ns at 7:31 AM on July 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by ball00000ns at 7:31 AM on July 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
Mod note: One deleted; we don't know the genders here, so better to skip framing answers around a specific assumption there.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 7:40 AM on July 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 7:40 AM on July 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
Reasons I didn't say no to older people when I was a teenager: they know more about this stuff than I do, they already went through so much trouble for me, they're my only ride home, they care so much about me, I don't want to hurt their feelings, I'll be in so much trouble if I call my parents now, they spent so much money to come visit me, I don't want to make them angry, it's my own fault for leading them on emotionally, what if they hurt them self because of me, maybe they'll leave me alone if I send them this picture
Please don't make a young person do that kind of math.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 7:42 AM on July 3, 2018 [42 favorites]
Please don't make a young person do that kind of math.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 7:42 AM on July 3, 2018 [42 favorites]
No, it is not at all ethical to invite a teenager into a long-distance polyamorous relationship with an adult. You will be doing harm to this person if you pursue this. Please, please let them be.
posted by prize bull octorok at 8:14 AM on July 3, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 8:14 AM on July 3, 2018 [10 favorites]
Half your age, plus 7. That's the lowest possible age of your potential partner. (Rough but a good general guideline in these cases, I think.)
This is the weirdest 'rule' in the world, but damned if it's not spot on. Go ahead, I'll wait.
So, no, 25+17 is not cool.
posted by so fucking future at 8:31 AM on July 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
This is the weirdest 'rule' in the world, but damned if it's not spot on. Go ahead, I'll wait.
So, no, 25+17 is not cool.
posted by so fucking future at 8:31 AM on July 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
Age is a significant consideration, but relative life stages are also a huge consideration. Given that you're twenty-five, you're most likely done with high school, probably done with college, and probably working. The other party being in high school makes this a "no."
My backstory: When I first met my now-spouse, we were eighteen and twenty-four respectively; this caused a certain number of raised eyebrows amongst our friends and gave everyone cause to pause and think carefully.
However, we were both recent college graduates who had both been living independently for some years already. I was a fairly typical twenty-four-year old; my now-spouse was a far from typical eighteen year old.
This is not the position you're in.
(Looking back, I sometimes wonder if we'd act differently today; but we're still together, decades later, so...)
posted by buxtonbluecat at 9:35 AM on July 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
My backstory: When I first met my now-spouse, we were eighteen and twenty-four respectively; this caused a certain number of raised eyebrows amongst our friends and gave everyone cause to pause and think carefully.
However, we were both recent college graduates who had both been living independently for some years already. I was a fairly typical twenty-four-year old; my now-spouse was a far from typical eighteen year old.
This is not the position you're in.
(Looking back, I sometimes wonder if we'd act differently today; but we're still together, decades later, so...)
posted by buxtonbluecat at 9:35 AM on July 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
Talking online can get really intense like that, can lead to levels of attachment that don't take your real lives into account at all. It's not... super healthy. I say this having done it, mind. It's something you need to be able to manage, and especially with this age difference, you need to be the one who's mature enough to either stop encouraging it or stop talking to them. The fact that you haven't been able to stop yourself from drifting into heart-emoji territory suggests to me that you are not, in fact, really in control of your feelings in this situation, and that would probably be a warning sign of future drama even if the other party was older.
When the other party is younger, currently fully dependent on parents, and first started expressing interest in you when they were even younger than this... you need to be the one to be making the more mature decisions, here. And you aren't. You needed to be the one who backed things properly down to being just friends, JUST friends, not "just friends and maybe someday more", when the idea was brought up originally. If you couldn't do that then, you are not going to be able to start this relationship now and have it be any better than that. You need to cut contact back to the point where you can really get your head on straight, even if that's "completely". It's going to suck, but at least it's a future lesson that it's easier to manage your feelings earlier than to let them run roughshod over your good sense until much later.
posted by Sequence at 9:48 AM on July 3, 2018 [7 favorites]
When the other party is younger, currently fully dependent on parents, and first started expressing interest in you when they were even younger than this... you need to be the one to be making the more mature decisions, here. And you aren't. You needed to be the one who backed things properly down to being just friends, JUST friends, not "just friends and maybe someday more", when the idea was brought up originally. If you couldn't do that then, you are not going to be able to start this relationship now and have it be any better than that. You need to cut contact back to the point where you can really get your head on straight, even if that's "completely". It's going to suck, but at least it's a future lesson that it's easier to manage your feelings earlier than to let them run roughshod over your good sense until much later.
posted by Sequence at 9:48 AM on July 3, 2018 [7 favorites]
Hey! I just wanted to chime in and say: good on you for asking this question. You are a good person, caught in a confusing situation. You're doing the right thing by really thinking this through. Try not to take personally some of the language above.
Definitely do not date this person, and yes, maybe talk to a therapist—but not because there's anything wrong with you. Take these steps because you're uncommonly thoughtful, and strong, and committed to avoiding harming this person you care about (and maybe others in the future). Good luck!
posted by The Minotaur at 10:23 AM on July 3, 2018 [11 favorites]
Definitely do not date this person, and yes, maybe talk to a therapist—but not because there's anything wrong with you. Take these steps because you're uncommonly thoughtful, and strong, and committed to avoiding harming this person you care about (and maybe others in the future). Good luck!
posted by The Minotaur at 10:23 AM on July 3, 2018 [11 favorites]
(And please feel free to DM me if you'd like to talk things over with a sympathetic stranger.)
posted by The Minotaur at 10:31 AM on July 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by The Minotaur at 10:31 AM on July 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
No. It's not ethical for someone in their 20s to maintain a relationship with a kid they have a crush on (and a "kid" is what they were "a couple years ago.") Not to mention, planning to pounce on them as soon as they're legal.
I'm blunt here because you've wrapped your question up in a lot of extra details that must seem important to you but in fact read as justifications, and I think it might help you to read it distilled down to how it looks from the outside.
Actually, from what you've written, I think you know it's wrong, but are hoping some particulars make your case the exception. It's not the exception.
posted by kapers at 10:31 AM on July 3, 2018 [10 favorites]
I'm blunt here because you've wrapped your question up in a lot of extra details that must seem important to you but in fact read as justifications, and I think it might help you to read it distilled down to how it looks from the outside.
Actually, from what you've written, I think you know it's wrong, but are hoping some particulars make your case the exception. It's not the exception.
posted by kapers at 10:31 AM on July 3, 2018 [10 favorites]
I'm pretty open with the people around me about being polyamorous and bisexual and transgender, and all of that has gone over pretty well, but I'm not sure if people would have the same attitude to this.
They wouldn’t, because it’s not the same thing, and it’s troubling to equate romantic/sexual feelings for too-young people with being trans, queer, or poly. In fact, these are some of the very communities who too often have to deal with predators who co-opt and hide behind those identities, damaging those communities.
posted by kapers at 1:17 PM on July 3, 2018 [25 favorites]
They wouldn’t, because it’s not the same thing, and it’s troubling to equate romantic/sexual feelings for too-young people with being trans, queer, or poly. In fact, these are some of the very communities who too often have to deal with predators who co-opt and hide behind those identities, damaging those communities.
posted by kapers at 1:17 PM on July 3, 2018 [25 favorites]
As a 24-25 year old graduate student, I twice considered pursuing sexual relationships with *very* available teenage college students. From the vantage point of being 36, I am very glad that I didn't pursue those relationships, and cringe thinking about how close I came to consummating them.
posted by Kwine at 1:21 PM on July 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Kwine at 1:21 PM on July 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
Here's a great way to address this: "Yo friend, I feel like there's been a little shift in tone in our conversation, and I care tremendously about you but I do not want either one of us to wander into a situation where we are misunderstanding each other or intentions are getting muddy. It would be really exploitative for me to Go There, taking advantage of the intimacy of a long-term close relationship with a generationally younger person, and the best way for that to not happen is for us to be mindful of it and talk about what might be behind that change in tone and what good boundaries for our relationship would be. I'd rather be a person you can always trust to not have ulterior motives because you are about to be swimming in a world of it."
And then you never ever ever consider having a romantic relationship with them again because that would be exploitative and inappropriate and you need to re-acquire a grip on yourself, including starting to back away from this relationship if it is no longer constructive or safe for them.
You don't get to date anyone you knew as an adult when they were 16. You just don't. Kids don't need this. There is no way this doesn't become grooming. Screw your feelings and think about the bigger picture.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:35 PM on July 3, 2018 [9 favorites]
And then you never ever ever consider having a romantic relationship with them again because that would be exploitative and inappropriate and you need to re-acquire a grip on yourself, including starting to back away from this relationship if it is no longer constructive or safe for them.
You don't get to date anyone you knew as an adult when they were 16. You just don't. Kids don't need this. There is no way this doesn't become grooming. Screw your feelings and think about the bigger picture.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:35 PM on July 3, 2018 [9 favorites]
Block this person and forget about them entirely. You should seek counseling.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 2:05 PM on July 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by masquesoporfavor at 2:05 PM on July 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
You befriended this person when they were 15 and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that – I’m a huge believer in and advocate of intergenerational intimacy. But a big reason I have to advocate for it so hard is that there *are* people who befriend young teenagers hoping they’ll become romantic partners when they’re ‘of age.’
You’re not one of those people – I applaud your great instinct when they proposed a romantic relationship earlier, and I applaud your question now because I think your hesitation means you understand there’s not actually a threshold measured in days alive or certainly measured in legality.
And I say this as somebody who was happily poly as a late-teenager and during college had healthy relationships with a few much older folks (one of which is now my longest relationship, a two-decade LDR that’s beautifully grown and evolved alongside all my others).
The key difference was that I hadn’t grown up through my formative high school years with any of these folks as a confidant / intimate friend. That’s a very powerful context you need to put first in your thinking here. And I can imagine that might feel ironic or painful for you – having built one form of intimacy that now makes another form inadvisable.
But one of the greatest things about being poly is building all these different types of intimacy with different people, as appropriate and ethical and sustainable with each person! Keep listening to your good instincts and be clear (with language like Lyn Never suggests) for your best chance at maintaining a long and wonderful friendship with this person.
posted by kalapierson at 3:23 PM on July 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
You’re not one of those people – I applaud your great instinct when they proposed a romantic relationship earlier, and I applaud your question now because I think your hesitation means you understand there’s not actually a threshold measured in days alive or certainly measured in legality.
And I say this as somebody who was happily poly as a late-teenager and during college had healthy relationships with a few much older folks (one of which is now my longest relationship, a two-decade LDR that’s beautifully grown and evolved alongside all my others).
The key difference was that I hadn’t grown up through my formative high school years with any of these folks as a confidant / intimate friend. That’s a very powerful context you need to put first in your thinking here. And I can imagine that might feel ironic or painful for you – having built one form of intimacy that now makes another form inadvisable.
But one of the greatest things about being poly is building all these different types of intimacy with different people, as appropriate and ethical and sustainable with each person! Keep listening to your good instincts and be clear (with language like Lyn Never suggests) for your best chance at maintaining a long and wonderful friendship with this person.
posted by kalapierson at 3:23 PM on July 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
you will harm this person by confessing your alleged affections at this time, because right now they are making decisions about what to do in life after graduating high school. if they are susceptible to an intense pretend relationship with you at a time when decisions must be made, that fantasy will influence their decisions about where to go and what to do, and it will influence them for the worse.
please understand that you are not capable of asking someone out unless you are prepared to then take them out when they say yes. You are a far-off stranger: you can talk to this person and type to them, but you cannot go out with them. 'asking them out' isn't real unless the business about staying long-distance for now is not really your honest intention.
In the best-case scenario, your crush turns out to be a depressed 35-year-old engaging in a little harmless regression fantasy, and after confessions all around you fall in love. In the second-best-case scenario, your crush is a healthy and intelligent teen who knows in the back of their mind somewhere that this long-time text-only flirtation with a grownup of unverified age and station in life is all slightly unreal but harmless, therapeutic, and age-appropriate fantasy game-playing. and when they realize how very real it all is to you they will be freaked out and "break up."
but things rarely go as well as they might. if neither of those scenarios play out, something bad will.
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:53 PM on July 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
please understand that you are not capable of asking someone out unless you are prepared to then take them out when they say yes. You are a far-off stranger: you can talk to this person and type to them, but you cannot go out with them. 'asking them out' isn't real unless the business about staying long-distance for now is not really your honest intention.
In the best-case scenario, your crush turns out to be a depressed 35-year-old engaging in a little harmless regression fantasy, and after confessions all around you fall in love. In the second-best-case scenario, your crush is a healthy and intelligent teen who knows in the back of their mind somewhere that this long-time text-only flirtation with a grownup of unverified age and station in life is all slightly unreal but harmless, therapeutic, and age-appropriate fantasy game-playing. and when they realize how very real it all is to you they will be freaked out and "break up."
but things rarely go as well as they might. if neither of those scenarios play out, something bad will.
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:53 PM on July 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
I don't feel like I'd be likely to do so accidentally. They are first and foremost my friend and I wouldn't dream of hurting them.
you know this is actually a worse danger sign than your respective ages now and as bad as you being interested in them when they were still 16. That you believe you wouldn't accidentally hurt this teen you've never met because hurting people isn't part of your self image and, what, you don't make mistakes? never have accidents? is so un-self-aware it terrifies me. the next step is for this kid to tell you they're hurt and you tell them they're wrong. because it's so unlikely.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:03 PM on July 3, 2018 [23 favorites]
you know this is actually a worse danger sign than your respective ages now and as bad as you being interested in them when they were still 16. That you believe you wouldn't accidentally hurt this teen you've never met because hurting people isn't part of your self image and, what, you don't make mistakes? never have accidents? is so un-self-aware it terrifies me. the next step is for this kid to tell you they're hurt and you tell them they're wrong. because it's so unlikely.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:03 PM on July 3, 2018 [23 favorites]
If they're really the one for you... they will be the one for you when they've graduated from college. Before then is creepy.
posted by TwoStride at 6:11 PM on July 3, 2018
posted by TwoStride at 6:11 PM on July 3, 2018
I'm pretty open with the people around me about being polyamorous and bisexual and transgender, and all of that has gone over pretty well, but I'm not sure if people would have the same attitude to this.
You actually seem very— and correctly— sure that the LGBT/poly community doesn’t tolerate pedophiles, ephebophiles, or any other brand of predator, or you wouldn’t have asked this question anonymously and risked the outrage of this community on the green. Come on, pal. You know you’re being a predator here. You know wanting to date a 15-18 year old high school student you met online means that something has gone very, very wrong with you. Most of the people who answered this question so far have been very gentle with you, and hopefully you take their kind advice. If not, let me assure you that there is a 99.9% certainty that if you get involved with this kid, they will grow up to remember you as a predator, someone who groomed and exploited them, likely as a statutory rapist in spirit if not letter of the law. You know this is wrong even without 50 people telling you so. Seek counseling and leave this kid alone.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 7:14 PM on July 3, 2018 [11 favorites]
You actually seem very— and correctly— sure that the LGBT/poly community doesn’t tolerate pedophiles, ephebophiles, or any other brand of predator, or you wouldn’t have asked this question anonymously and risked the outrage of this community on the green. Come on, pal. You know you’re being a predator here. You know wanting to date a 15-18 year old high school student you met online means that something has gone very, very wrong with you. Most of the people who answered this question so far have been very gentle with you, and hopefully you take their kind advice. If not, let me assure you that there is a 99.9% certainty that if you get involved with this kid, they will grow up to remember you as a predator, someone who groomed and exploited them, likely as a statutory rapist in spirit if not letter of the law. You know this is wrong even without 50 people telling you so. Seek counseling and leave this kid alone.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 7:14 PM on July 3, 2018 [11 favorites]
I'm glad that you asked if asking them out would be inappropriate instead of jumping into it. I agree with the others that dating them would be bad for them. I'm close to your age (turning 24 in a few days) and I at this point, I wouldn't date anyone below age 22. That's because I categorize 18-19 year old people as teenagers and 20-21 year old people as people who were recently teenagers. I don't automatically think that you're fundamentally a bad person for having felt an inappropriate attraction, but I do think that it would benefit you and anyone you're interested in in the future if you see a therapist for a while before you date anyone to help you figure out what's appropriate and what's not with dating.
I've been attracted to people before in situations that I was unsure of whether it would be appropriate to act on, and I either asked someone for advice for Googled the situation to find out, and decided in these situations not to act on the crushes. These contexts were different, since my crushes were on adults, but the larger theme of not knowing whether it's okay to act on a crush is one that I can relate to, so I have some empathy for you wondering and asking. For example, in one case, I ran into someone while I was a customer and he was working at the store who I had a crush on when we had a class together in high school. I later read online that it's not okay to ask out people when they're at work, so I decided not to ask him out or to ever ask anyone out at their workplace, ever.
I've been learning more about consent, boundaries, etc, every day, but I'm still uncertain enough about my social judgement that I'll wait until I've had more therapy sessions before considering dating again (and, heck, even making friends) to be certain that I can handle that stuff appropriately, both for others' safety and comfort, and mine. I highly recommend this method to anyone who has trouble judging social situations.
A couple of good resources for learning about appropriate behavior in dating and social situations in general are the blogs Captain Awkward and Doctor Nerdlove.
posted by Psychology Hearts at 2:33 AM on July 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
I've been attracted to people before in situations that I was unsure of whether it would be appropriate to act on, and I either asked someone for advice for Googled the situation to find out, and decided in these situations not to act on the crushes. These contexts were different, since my crushes were on adults, but the larger theme of not knowing whether it's okay to act on a crush is one that I can relate to, so I have some empathy for you wondering and asking. For example, in one case, I ran into someone while I was a customer and he was working at the store who I had a crush on when we had a class together in high school. I later read online that it's not okay to ask out people when they're at work, so I decided not to ask him out or to ever ask anyone out at their workplace, ever.
I've been learning more about consent, boundaries, etc, every day, but I'm still uncertain enough about my social judgement that I'll wait until I've had more therapy sessions before considering dating again (and, heck, even making friends) to be certain that I can handle that stuff appropriately, both for others' safety and comfort, and mine. I highly recommend this method to anyone who has trouble judging social situations.
A couple of good resources for learning about appropriate behavior in dating and social situations in general are the blogs Captain Awkward and Doctor Nerdlove.
posted by Psychology Hearts at 2:33 AM on July 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
Not sure how much i can add but i was the teenager in this scenario a long time ago, although I was 14 and he 21.
The damage echoed on for over a decade. I was so compliant because I had a history of abuse which had only ended a few years prior to me meeting him, and this was a continuation of what I thought relationships were. He was genuinely shocked when, years later, when he was trying to imply he had been my first love, i informed him that to me he was just another rapist who took advantage of me. By then his own child was the age I'd been back then and I asked him who is screwing her. He looked enraged and then deeply ashamed. We haven't seen one another since but it is extra disappointing to me that he only came to the realisation because I, his victim, had pointed it all out.
Don't do this thing which you already know is horrible and creepy and unkind.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 11:17 AM on July 4, 2018 [16 favorites]
The damage echoed on for over a decade. I was so compliant because I had a history of abuse which had only ended a few years prior to me meeting him, and this was a continuation of what I thought relationships were. He was genuinely shocked when, years later, when he was trying to imply he had been my first love, i informed him that to me he was just another rapist who took advantage of me. By then his own child was the age I'd been back then and I asked him who is screwing her. He looked enraged and then deeply ashamed. We haven't seen one another since but it is extra disappointing to me that he only came to the realisation because I, his victim, had pointed it all out.
Don't do this thing which you already know is horrible and creepy and unkind.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 11:17 AM on July 4, 2018 [16 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by blueberry at 11:14 PM on July 2, 2018 [143 favorites]