Help with narcissistic and domestically abusive father
June 28, 2018 9:15 AM Subscribe
Suggestions on how to handle my narcissistic and psychologically abusive father whom I still will have to live with for at least one year, after he threatened to kill me. Dysfunctional so called “family” details inside.
A bit of background: right after my mother announced him she was pregnant with me {which had been planned for}, my father reacted badly. He started having explosive rage issues, which only intensified after I was born, as his health started to deteriorate. After a stroke and heart surgery, he only got worse, and our lives were always more and more shaped by his illnesses, always used by him as a shield. He was supposed to live as stress free as possible, so we started to walk on eggshells, attempting to avoid his next yelling episode, which, despite our best efforts, would still inevitabily happen and were usually prompted by minor problems, not worth screaming for at all. In time, we realized that he was like a pressure cooker- he was gonna blow up when he wanted to and felt like he needed to, regardless of whether the circumstances warranted it or not. For the past couple of years, I read more and more books about psychology and realized he likely is a narcissist- it all fits with his profile. He has no empathy, lives a life heavily based on the importance of appearance {both physical and social, to an almost pathological level}, is unable to process reality because he lives in a world of his own where he is a –self proclaimed- great man, husband, father, lawyer etc. who exists only in his fantasy, openly disregards other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, reasons {when his façade allows for it to, so that means mostly around family, since he tries to pretend in front of strangers}, constantly criticizes and puts down everyone else, is impossible to communicate with because he’s just unwilling to listen, always has to top whatever pain –emotional or otherwise- anyone may have with his own, as if one is engaging in a battle of who’s the most miserable one. No one can stand being near him for more than five minutes- we have had doctors, who only met him once in order to diagnose him, tell my mother they feel sorry for her having to live with him, people who will actively avoid him by changing streets when they see him or refusing to come to our house- even his own relatives come around pretty much only when they know he’ll be otherwise occupied and not around.
Fast forward to a month ago. He got a call that was supposed to be for my mother; I walked in and realized he was arranging for it to be postponed to the following day and proceeded to ask him not to do it, since I knew my mother, anxious as she is, would have wanted to get it over with sooner and that she was gonna be back any minute. When, five minutes later, she did come back, he proceeded to complain about how I “confused” him and “talked over him” and didn’t let him understand what was being said to him over the phone; I replied that I had just said that one sentence in the last ten seconds before he hung up and thus did nothing wrong. This was enough to make him explode once more, yelling at me about how I was disrespectful and how I did confuse him and lectured him and that I should know my place. I got pissed off {I know that it would have been better to walk out instead of engaging him and taking his bait, but I was too emotionally fed up} and yelled back that he had no right to treat me this way and that he was acting absolutely irrational and in an unacceptable way. It was at this point that he said he would have killed me, walking toward me in a threatening manner, before my mother stopped him. I think I stood there in shock for a few seconds and then screamed that I would have called the police, at which point he proceeded to semi-faint on the ground, breathing heavily. {I watched him and realized that he had held his hands out not to hurt his face all along; whether this means anything or not, I can’t say for sure}. Afterwards, I was the one who had to leave the room, in order not to upset him further- I’m not surprised, since he always used his illnesses in order to silence everyone else around him.
In the immediate aftermath, I told him that he needed to get professional help for his anger issues, which were dangerous not only to the people around him {I specified we live in fear of him and his yelling and now his threatening too!}, but to himself as well; I hoped this last reason would have been enough to prompt him to go and get medicated, since the only person he cares for is himself, but even this attempt failed, since his only reply was that “he’s not crazy”. For the past month, we avoided each other.
He’s lately been pushing for a reconciliation and yesterday came to me with an offer to “make peace” with him, likely prompted by a priest and his fear that the stress of this whole situation could worsen his health condition. Accordig to him, he said those words {of course, he never specified what he actually told me, which is that he'd have killed me} because he was really mad, but that I should know he would never actually go through with that because he's a Christian who goes to Church and prays everyday {one would wonder what’d happen if he was an atheist like me}. I pressed him further, asking him whether he realized that it was his anger itself which had been completely unmotivated and uncalled for. Of course, it turns out he thinks it was entirely justified instead, because I confused him, then lectured him in a rigorous tone about how he should behave with people {“hey dad, don't tell x to call back tomorrow morning, mom is coming back in ten minutes or so and she'd want to get over with this phone call today rather than wait”} and disrespected him as a father. Under such circumstances, I could not accept his half assed offer, which, by the way, never contained any apology {no “sorry” nor “forgive me”, however little they’d have been worth}, all the while keeping the blame firmly on me.
Apparently he hasn’t gotten the message, because, as of today, he stopped avoiding me and started acting “normal”, even saying hi to me. What angers me further is that I even replied, because I saw the way my mother was looking at me, eager for things to go back to the way they were before. I now feel so angry and powerless and completely trapped. I can’t believe he thinks that blaming me would get him “forgiven” and that all is gonna be well from now on and I’m even more disappointed in myself for having conformed to the “keeping peace” mentality which has shaped my whole life since I was born, never once bringing neither me nor my mother an ounce of real peace. What do I do now? I know that leaving is my only real chance, but I will have to keep living in this house at least for one more year, as I gather the resources to do so, so I’m looking for advice on how to handle this situation right now, while still being under the same roof. I’m not too worried about the death threat itself, because he fears hell too much to actually go through with it; plus, I made him aware of the fact that the rest of the family, my longtime boyfriend and two friends of mine all know about it and would have pointed the blame at him in case anything happened to me, so please try and focus on the whole picture I painted here. Thank you so much for any help and sorry for the long post.
A bit of background: right after my mother announced him she was pregnant with me {which had been planned for}, my father reacted badly. He started having explosive rage issues, which only intensified after I was born, as his health started to deteriorate. After a stroke and heart surgery, he only got worse, and our lives were always more and more shaped by his illnesses, always used by him as a shield. He was supposed to live as stress free as possible, so we started to walk on eggshells, attempting to avoid his next yelling episode, which, despite our best efforts, would still inevitabily happen and were usually prompted by minor problems, not worth screaming for at all. In time, we realized that he was like a pressure cooker- he was gonna blow up when he wanted to and felt like he needed to, regardless of whether the circumstances warranted it or not. For the past couple of years, I read more and more books about psychology and realized he likely is a narcissist- it all fits with his profile. He has no empathy, lives a life heavily based on the importance of appearance {both physical and social, to an almost pathological level}, is unable to process reality because he lives in a world of his own where he is a –self proclaimed- great man, husband, father, lawyer etc. who exists only in his fantasy, openly disregards other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, reasons {when his façade allows for it to, so that means mostly around family, since he tries to pretend in front of strangers}, constantly criticizes and puts down everyone else, is impossible to communicate with because he’s just unwilling to listen, always has to top whatever pain –emotional or otherwise- anyone may have with his own, as if one is engaging in a battle of who’s the most miserable one. No one can stand being near him for more than five minutes- we have had doctors, who only met him once in order to diagnose him, tell my mother they feel sorry for her having to live with him, people who will actively avoid him by changing streets when they see him or refusing to come to our house- even his own relatives come around pretty much only when they know he’ll be otherwise occupied and not around.
Fast forward to a month ago. He got a call that was supposed to be for my mother; I walked in and realized he was arranging for it to be postponed to the following day and proceeded to ask him not to do it, since I knew my mother, anxious as she is, would have wanted to get it over with sooner and that she was gonna be back any minute. When, five minutes later, she did come back, he proceeded to complain about how I “confused” him and “talked over him” and didn’t let him understand what was being said to him over the phone; I replied that I had just said that one sentence in the last ten seconds before he hung up and thus did nothing wrong. This was enough to make him explode once more, yelling at me about how I was disrespectful and how I did confuse him and lectured him and that I should know my place. I got pissed off {I know that it would have been better to walk out instead of engaging him and taking his bait, but I was too emotionally fed up} and yelled back that he had no right to treat me this way and that he was acting absolutely irrational and in an unacceptable way. It was at this point that he said he would have killed me, walking toward me in a threatening manner, before my mother stopped him. I think I stood there in shock for a few seconds and then screamed that I would have called the police, at which point he proceeded to semi-faint on the ground, breathing heavily. {I watched him and realized that he had held his hands out not to hurt his face all along; whether this means anything or not, I can’t say for sure}. Afterwards, I was the one who had to leave the room, in order not to upset him further- I’m not surprised, since he always used his illnesses in order to silence everyone else around him.
In the immediate aftermath, I told him that he needed to get professional help for his anger issues, which were dangerous not only to the people around him {I specified we live in fear of him and his yelling and now his threatening too!}, but to himself as well; I hoped this last reason would have been enough to prompt him to go and get medicated, since the only person he cares for is himself, but even this attempt failed, since his only reply was that “he’s not crazy”. For the past month, we avoided each other.
He’s lately been pushing for a reconciliation and yesterday came to me with an offer to “make peace” with him, likely prompted by a priest and his fear that the stress of this whole situation could worsen his health condition. Accordig to him, he said those words {of course, he never specified what he actually told me, which is that he'd have killed me} because he was really mad, but that I should know he would never actually go through with that because he's a Christian who goes to Church and prays everyday {one would wonder what’d happen if he was an atheist like me}. I pressed him further, asking him whether he realized that it was his anger itself which had been completely unmotivated and uncalled for. Of course, it turns out he thinks it was entirely justified instead, because I confused him, then lectured him in a rigorous tone about how he should behave with people {“hey dad, don't tell x to call back tomorrow morning, mom is coming back in ten minutes or so and she'd want to get over with this phone call today rather than wait”} and disrespected him as a father. Under such circumstances, I could not accept his half assed offer, which, by the way, never contained any apology {no “sorry” nor “forgive me”, however little they’d have been worth}, all the while keeping the blame firmly on me.
Apparently he hasn’t gotten the message, because, as of today, he stopped avoiding me and started acting “normal”, even saying hi to me. What angers me further is that I even replied, because I saw the way my mother was looking at me, eager for things to go back to the way they were before. I now feel so angry and powerless and completely trapped. I can’t believe he thinks that blaming me would get him “forgiven” and that all is gonna be well from now on and I’m even more disappointed in myself for having conformed to the “keeping peace” mentality which has shaped my whole life since I was born, never once bringing neither me nor my mother an ounce of real peace. What do I do now? I know that leaving is my only real chance, but I will have to keep living in this house at least for one more year, as I gather the resources to do so, so I’m looking for advice on how to handle this situation right now, while still being under the same roof. I’m not too worried about the death threat itself, because he fears hell too much to actually go through with it; plus, I made him aware of the fact that the rest of the family, my longtime boyfriend and two friends of mine all know about it and would have pointed the blame at him in case anything happened to me, so please try and focus on the whole picture I painted here. Thank you so much for any help and sorry for the long post.
He threatened to kill you. You need to get out. Please contact the National Domestic Hotline. I am fearful that although you are feeling stuck in a terrible situation you do have more agency than you think and you can and should leave, now.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 9:25 AM on June 28, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 9:25 AM on June 28, 2018 [14 favorites]
You do not have to live with him for at least another year: you have to get out before something terrible happens.
posted by Rust Moranis at 9:26 AM on June 28, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by Rust Moranis at 9:26 AM on June 28, 2018 [9 favorites]
I mean, I'm not trying to minimise a family fight, but you've said you're not afraid of him, don't think the threat is legitimate, and need to live with your family for at least another year, so I don't think "move out" is a good answer, or even warranted.
Not speaking to people and demanding they apologise is also, you know, relating to your parents as a child. There are no points for being right, and nothing you can do or say will change his behaviour, which is not your responsibility. Stop telling him things, don't engage, be polite but independent of his drama, and find support for coping and getting through the year at Raised By Narcissists.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:40 AM on June 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
Not speaking to people and demanding they apologise is also, you know, relating to your parents as a child. There are no points for being right, and nothing you can do or say will change his behaviour, which is not your responsibility. Stop telling him things, don't engage, be polite but independent of his drama, and find support for coping and getting through the year at Raised By Narcissists.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:40 AM on June 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
You just described my childhood. It really, really sucks. You have all of my sympathy, for whatever that's worth to you right now.
I'll tell you what I did, and why it didn't work. You can maybe adapt some of it & avoid the mistakes I made.
What I did was to shut down emotionally. I hunkered down as small as possible for the probably 2-3 years in between realising that the situation was intolerable (aged probably 15-16) and when I could escape (aged 18). I didn't really know I was doing it at the time - but I became single-minded & focused only on escape, and limited my exposure to everything else. It made me isolated & hard-hearted & I missed out a lot of normal adolescent life & growth & experience as a result. Once I got out of there, I slowly started to recover, and I was lucky to meet nice people & make a new life of my own through my late teens & 20s onwards.
The longer term effects are still with me - I'm in my late 40s now, and I'm experiencing anxiety & depression that I link right back to the affects of growing up that household that was dominated by a manipulative & violent narcissist. I've missed out on a bunch of positive stuff in my life in the meantime, because I learned that I can shut down emotionally to get through any difficult time - so I over-used that trick & spent long periods of time walled off from my own emotions & those of the people around me. It's really only in the past couple of years that I started to figure that out.
So if I was going to try to do that again, but more healthily - I'd say that you need to do whatever you can to survive whatever period you need to endure before you can get out, but during that time please try to stay open & responsive & aware of your own emotional life & needs. Those emotional needs are not getting met right now, because all the available energy is being sucked in by the narcissist (maybe look up Childhood Emotional Neglect when you get the space, also complex PTSD). You're going to need ways to recognise your emotional needs & to get them met, because they are entirely legitimate & necessary for your wellbeing. I didn't realise that for several decades.
This stuff has long-lasting effects, even once you're out. Start the work on your recovery as soon as you can, as soon as you're clear & safe. Don't look back, look forward.
I'm glad to know that you have close friends & a boyfriend who are there for you - hold onto them & take comfort from knowing people who are outside your dysfunctional environment - and know that you deserve to experience that love & stability & normality too.
posted by rd45 at 9:41 AM on June 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
I'll tell you what I did, and why it didn't work. You can maybe adapt some of it & avoid the mistakes I made.
What I did was to shut down emotionally. I hunkered down as small as possible for the probably 2-3 years in between realising that the situation was intolerable (aged probably 15-16) and when I could escape (aged 18). I didn't really know I was doing it at the time - but I became single-minded & focused only on escape, and limited my exposure to everything else. It made me isolated & hard-hearted & I missed out a lot of normal adolescent life & growth & experience as a result. Once I got out of there, I slowly started to recover, and I was lucky to meet nice people & make a new life of my own through my late teens & 20s onwards.
The longer term effects are still with me - I'm in my late 40s now, and I'm experiencing anxiety & depression that I link right back to the affects of growing up that household that was dominated by a manipulative & violent narcissist. I've missed out on a bunch of positive stuff in my life in the meantime, because I learned that I can shut down emotionally to get through any difficult time - so I over-used that trick & spent long periods of time walled off from my own emotions & those of the people around me. It's really only in the past couple of years that I started to figure that out.
So if I was going to try to do that again, but more healthily - I'd say that you need to do whatever you can to survive whatever period you need to endure before you can get out, but during that time please try to stay open & responsive & aware of your own emotional life & needs. Those emotional needs are not getting met right now, because all the available energy is being sucked in by the narcissist (maybe look up Childhood Emotional Neglect when you get the space, also complex PTSD). You're going to need ways to recognise your emotional needs & to get them met, because they are entirely legitimate & necessary for your wellbeing. I didn't realise that for several decades.
This stuff has long-lasting effects, even once you're out. Start the work on your recovery as soon as you can, as soon as you're clear & safe. Don't look back, look forward.
I'm glad to know that you have close friends & a boyfriend who are there for you - hold onto them & take comfort from knowing people who are outside your dysfunctional environment - and know that you deserve to experience that love & stability & normality too.
posted by rd45 at 9:41 AM on June 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
This is not even close to a grey area. He threatened to kill you. Move out immediately and call authorities.
posted by terrapin at 9:48 AM on June 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by terrapin at 9:48 AM on June 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Bug out STAT.
posted by Construction Concern at 9:51 AM on June 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Construction Concern at 9:51 AM on June 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
but you've said you're not afraid of him, don't think the threat is legitimate
...
It turns out that people in abusive situations are often tremendously bad at judging just how dangerous their supposed loved ones are to them. Something about the human brain rejects the idea that this person right here who you live with and who occasionally says nice things to you could actually murder you.
Spoiler: they nonetheless very often do.
OP, get out.
posted by praemunire at 10:09 AM on June 28, 2018 [23 favorites]
...
It turns out that people in abusive situations are often tremendously bad at judging just how dangerous their supposed loved ones are to them. Something about the human brain rejects the idea that this person right here who you live with and who occasionally says nice things to you could actually murder you.
Spoiler: they nonetheless very often do.
OP, get out.
posted by praemunire at 10:09 AM on June 28, 2018 [23 favorites]
I just want to point something out to you: you're relating this story as if you are describing two rational people. "He did all this stuff that I think is historically and currently quite unreasonable and I told him so extremely firmly."
There's not really a point in engaging with him like a rational person. In part, just because it won't work because he's not, but also because you set yourself up with a narrative that if you just ask in exactly the right way this time, probably the thousandth time, he'll act right and everything will be fixed, and then he fails to do so again and you will be shocked and disappointed and hurt (and because of your lack of preparation, maybe even physically hurt or killed) when he fails to do so yet again.
Stop expecting different results than you've ever gotten. Stop relating to him like a person who even could give you what you want if he wanted to, which he doesn't and cannot. Treat him like a rabid talking mountain lion that lives in your house. Avoid him, but note what he's doing at all times. Don't start shit when you catch him making a mess and then pull your mom into it when you can just make note of what he's done and tell her out of his hearing so she can fix it herself, as she is likely an expert in doing this.
You can't fix him, or fight him. And you can't fix her so that she makes different choices. Work the system as it exists until you can secure a safe exit. You may need to pretend to smooth everything over just to calm him down so that you can get on with your Plan B. Let the rabid mountain lion think everything's okay and he's in control, while you quietly amass an external support system and finances and all the scaffolding you need to get out. Let him think whatever the fuck he needs to think to keep you and your mother safe - today is not the time for righting the wrongs. You can get therapy for that later.
You are experiencing domestic violence and you should pursue DV assistance, counseling, and resources that will help you get out safely.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:39 AM on June 28, 2018 [32 favorites]
There's not really a point in engaging with him like a rational person. In part, just because it won't work because he's not, but also because you set yourself up with a narrative that if you just ask in exactly the right way this time, probably the thousandth time, he'll act right and everything will be fixed, and then he fails to do so again and you will be shocked and disappointed and hurt (and because of your lack of preparation, maybe even physically hurt or killed) when he fails to do so yet again.
Stop expecting different results than you've ever gotten. Stop relating to him like a person who even could give you what you want if he wanted to, which he doesn't and cannot. Treat him like a rabid talking mountain lion that lives in your house. Avoid him, but note what he's doing at all times. Don't start shit when you catch him making a mess and then pull your mom into it when you can just make note of what he's done and tell her out of his hearing so she can fix it herself, as she is likely an expert in doing this.
You can't fix him, or fight him. And you can't fix her so that she makes different choices. Work the system as it exists until you can secure a safe exit. You may need to pretend to smooth everything over just to calm him down so that you can get on with your Plan B. Let the rabid mountain lion think everything's okay and he's in control, while you quietly amass an external support system and finances and all the scaffolding you need to get out. Let him think whatever the fuck he needs to think to keep you and your mother safe - today is not the time for righting the wrongs. You can get therapy for that later.
You are experiencing domestic violence and you should pursue DV assistance, counseling, and resources that will help you get out safely.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:39 AM on June 28, 2018 [32 favorites]
Everything Lyn Never said.
You can not change this dangerous family dynamic with ligic, so stop doung that. Change yourself, start by moving out and changing where you live. Then start therapy.
If you must stay for the time being, start good habits and pursuits outside of your household. Get a second job or enroll in classes, attend a meditation group in your area. Work on yourself and shift your focus onto yourself and your safe escape from this living situation.
posted by jbenben at 11:36 AM on June 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
You can not change this dangerous family dynamic with ligic, so stop doung that. Change yourself, start by moving out and changing where you live. Then start therapy.
If you must stay for the time being, start good habits and pursuits outside of your household. Get a second job or enroll in classes, attend a meditation group in your area. Work on yourself and shift your focus onto yourself and your safe escape from this living situation.
posted by jbenben at 11:36 AM on June 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
My father was an abusive narcissist who behaved much like yours, only without the threat of violence. He was also chronically ill, also quick to blame everyone but himself, also a raging piece of shit to my mother and I. He fancied himself the most rational person on planet earth and, while an actual genius intellectually, he had zero emotional intelligence and control. Growing up with him was hell.
You know what I did? I moved out. My mother wouldn't come with me, I couldn't save her and never did get her to break free from the cycle of love-abuse with with my father, but I left. Leave. Move in with your close friends and/or your boyfriend if you can't afford to move by yourself. Move to somebody's couch while you figure it out. Move out, move out, move out.
There is no surviving narcissists: every day you spend living with him is more danger, more trauma, more scars. Move out.
posted by lydhre at 11:37 AM on June 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
You know what I did? I moved out. My mother wouldn't come with me, I couldn't save her and never did get her to break free from the cycle of love-abuse with with my father, but I left. Leave. Move in with your close friends and/or your boyfriend if you can't afford to move by yourself. Move to somebody's couch while you figure it out. Move out, move out, move out.
There is no surviving narcissists: every day you spend living with him is more danger, more trauma, more scars. Move out.
posted by lydhre at 11:37 AM on June 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's hard but you have to do what you have to do.
I'm nthing the "Get Out Now" sentiments, but also wanted to address the fact that escaping a toxic situation like yours requires a tremendous amount of time, energy and planning. And every minute, every hour you spend on them and their shit is one hour you're taking away from your ability to plan your future and the life you were meant to live.... a life free from abuse, manipulation, emotional pain and gaslighting.
How long did it take you to type that post? How many hours a day do you spend analyzing their behavior? On the other hand, how long do you spend working out how you're going to make your life better? I bet it's disproportionately in their favor, and you spend almost no time on your own mental health. It's easy to think that your mental health is contingent on them fixing X and Y, but it's not. It's really not.
I was you, years ago, with the narcissistic parent, but add serious substance abuse to the mix. I lived there through early adulthood and finally left. After leaving, I realized that my mental health was NOT contingent on them fixing their problems, as I had always thought. I thought that they had to be fixed in order for me to be fixed. Not true. What I realized was that my mental health was contingent on my ability/willingness to let them go and drop the narrative that I'd spent a tremendous amount of energy writing over and over in my head. The bad news about that is that it's difficult to do. The good news is that it's entirely under your control and possible through good therapy, distance, and conscious effort.
Figuring it out and fixing it? Not. Possible. You can't change them. You can't change the dynamic. What can you do? You can identify how your life would be better if you woke up tomorrow and had the family of your dreams. What would that give you? Seriously - make a list of all the things you're missing right now, that you'd have if this situation were magically fixed. Make a list of all the things you missed out on all these years. Now, figure out a way to get each and every one of those things. Without your parents. Redefine family. Family isn't always biological. Do you have people in your life like that now? Call on them to help you make a plan to GTFO.
Think of yourself like a fish - dysfunction, abuse, and death threats are the only water in which you are swimming right now, and it's so clouded you can't see anything in front of you. You need to get in clear water so to speak. I'm not saying this is easy. For me, the hardest part for me was taking the leap to leave, because I didn't truly see the dysfunction (and my place in it) until I actually left and started spending time around healthy people doing healthy things. I learned to stop obsessing over the narrative of my family in my head. I can tell by your post and the way you describe things that you have that narrative too, and it's driving you. You need to break that, and write a new narrative for yourself. Write them out of your story, and write a better one.
Opal, not once in your post do you talk about what you want for yourself, what your goals are, what your dreams are. There's no room for any of that because you're so mired in their crap. What they did to your life is absolutely not your fault! But your life is your responsibility, and you need to take action to get away from it in order to save yourself. Do you want to be writing this same post in 10 years? 5? 1? Analyzing this is a waste of time and, ultimately, your life, and that's a tragedy.
My advice: stop analyzing them, wish them the best in your mind, make your plans to leave *without them knowing about it* and, on a day when the two of them are gone, have a couple of friends come over, pack your shit, and leave. If they are never gone, then take a box at a time in your car when they're busy. Or if you have the finances, hire movers to get it all out in one shot. Whatever it takes.
Find a safe place to live miles away from them, and get in touch with domestic abuse resources in that area.
Good luck. You have a lot of internet strangers wishing you the best!
posted by onecircleaday at 12:02 PM on June 28, 2018 [11 favorites]
I'm nthing the "Get Out Now" sentiments, but also wanted to address the fact that escaping a toxic situation like yours requires a tremendous amount of time, energy and planning. And every minute, every hour you spend on them and their shit is one hour you're taking away from your ability to plan your future and the life you were meant to live.... a life free from abuse, manipulation, emotional pain and gaslighting.
How long did it take you to type that post? How many hours a day do you spend analyzing their behavior? On the other hand, how long do you spend working out how you're going to make your life better? I bet it's disproportionately in their favor, and you spend almost no time on your own mental health. It's easy to think that your mental health is contingent on them fixing X and Y, but it's not. It's really not.
I was you, years ago, with the narcissistic parent, but add serious substance abuse to the mix. I lived there through early adulthood and finally left. After leaving, I realized that my mental health was NOT contingent on them fixing their problems, as I had always thought. I thought that they had to be fixed in order for me to be fixed. Not true. What I realized was that my mental health was contingent on my ability/willingness to let them go and drop the narrative that I'd spent a tremendous amount of energy writing over and over in my head. The bad news about that is that it's difficult to do. The good news is that it's entirely under your control and possible through good therapy, distance, and conscious effort.
Figuring it out and fixing it? Not. Possible. You can't change them. You can't change the dynamic. What can you do? You can identify how your life would be better if you woke up tomorrow and had the family of your dreams. What would that give you? Seriously - make a list of all the things you're missing right now, that you'd have if this situation were magically fixed. Make a list of all the things you missed out on all these years. Now, figure out a way to get each and every one of those things. Without your parents. Redefine family. Family isn't always biological. Do you have people in your life like that now? Call on them to help you make a plan to GTFO.
Think of yourself like a fish - dysfunction, abuse, and death threats are the only water in which you are swimming right now, and it's so clouded you can't see anything in front of you. You need to get in clear water so to speak. I'm not saying this is easy. For me, the hardest part for me was taking the leap to leave, because I didn't truly see the dysfunction (and my place in it) until I actually left and started spending time around healthy people doing healthy things. I learned to stop obsessing over the narrative of my family in my head. I can tell by your post and the way you describe things that you have that narrative too, and it's driving you. You need to break that, and write a new narrative for yourself. Write them out of your story, and write a better one.
Opal, not once in your post do you talk about what you want for yourself, what your goals are, what your dreams are. There's no room for any of that because you're so mired in their crap. What they did to your life is absolutely not your fault! But your life is your responsibility, and you need to take action to get away from it in order to save yourself. Do you want to be writing this same post in 10 years? 5? 1? Analyzing this is a waste of time and, ultimately, your life, and that's a tragedy.
My advice: stop analyzing them, wish them the best in your mind, make your plans to leave *without them knowing about it* and, on a day when the two of them are gone, have a couple of friends come over, pack your shit, and leave. If they are never gone, then take a box at a time in your car when they're busy. Or if you have the finances, hire movers to get it all out in one shot. Whatever it takes.
Find a safe place to live miles away from them, and get in touch with domestic abuse resources in that area.
Good luck. You have a lot of internet strangers wishing you the best!
posted by onecircleaday at 12:02 PM on June 28, 2018 [11 favorites]
To clarify my post - I realize that your plan is to leave in "at least a year" as you said. But the problem with that is you rationalize their behavior and the situation over time, and one year turns into two, turns into three, etc. There's always a reason not to leave. You need to do it now. If you have close friends and a long-term boyfriend, perhaps they can help.
posted by onecircleaday at 12:15 PM on June 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by onecircleaday at 12:15 PM on June 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
In the end with my narc father the only way I could "win" was to not play the game. If he sulks & doesn't talk to you, don't make the first move to break the silence. This was the only way I could cling to my sense of self while living with him as a teen. It takes some time to break out of peace keeper mode but you can get there. Second is share nothing of persona l or emotional importance to you with them, they will use it against you. Third accept the fact, nothing you can say or do will fix this. There is no magic combination of behaviours that will make this situation normal, because it's not normal. The best way to not play his games is to not be there, the best way to make sure you don't end up thinking this type of thing is normal, is to not be there. It's easy & comforting to think you don't have choices, but you do. Every day is a choice. The best thing I ever did was to move away. Took me years to find out who I actually was without someone telling me what I thought & felt was wrong.
posted by wwax at 1:36 PM on June 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by wwax at 1:36 PM on June 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
I know that leaving is my only real chance, but I will have to keep living in this house at least for one more year, as I gather the resources to do so,
Can I ask you something that I'm really curious about? Back in 2013, you said that you owned a nearby house that your parents bought and put in your name, but that you couldn't live there because it wasn't furnished. Do you still own that house? Because if you do, I think you should go live there.
But if you don't, why not? Did your dad take it back because you didn't "respect" him enough? Does he keep the legal papers somewhere he won't explain or give you access to? Did he promise you something as long as you didn't move in to the house in 2013, and never deliver that thing? Did he do that more than once? Did he discourage you every time you talked about moving, telling you how it was too expensive or dangerous or impossible? Is part of your gathering resources that you are counting on him to provide money or material support after you meet some nebulous or somewhat distant condition?
Did any of that happen? If it did, I want you to think about how strange it is that you owned a house that you could go to and be safe five years ago, and somehow you have stayed and don't feel you can leave. I want you to realize that you had a very easy out and couldn't take it. You think you are waiting for a perfect time when you will be "ready" to leave, but you had that, and you believed you weren't ready. You will never be ready. The only way to leave is to leave right now.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 2:03 PM on June 28, 2018 [15 favorites]
Can I ask you something that I'm really curious about? Back in 2013, you said that you owned a nearby house that your parents bought and put in your name, but that you couldn't live there because it wasn't furnished. Do you still own that house? Because if you do, I think you should go live there.
But if you don't, why not? Did your dad take it back because you didn't "respect" him enough? Does he keep the legal papers somewhere he won't explain or give you access to? Did he promise you something as long as you didn't move in to the house in 2013, and never deliver that thing? Did he do that more than once? Did he discourage you every time you talked about moving, telling you how it was too expensive or dangerous or impossible? Is part of your gathering resources that you are counting on him to provide money or material support after you meet some nebulous or somewhat distant condition?
Did any of that happen? If it did, I want you to think about how strange it is that you owned a house that you could go to and be safe five years ago, and somehow you have stayed and don't feel you can leave. I want you to realize that you had a very easy out and couldn't take it. You think you are waiting for a perfect time when you will be "ready" to leave, but you had that, and you believed you weren't ready. You will never be ready. The only way to leave is to leave right now.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 2:03 PM on June 28, 2018 [15 favorites]
And come visit r/raisedbynarcissists.
And maybe r/JustNoFamily.
posted by stormyteal at 9:48 PM on June 28, 2018
And maybe r/JustNoFamily.
posted by stormyteal at 9:48 PM on June 28, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by oceanjesse at 9:23 AM on June 28, 2018 [22 favorites]