Am I the jerk in my family or are they overreacting?
June 10, 2018 7:26 PM Subscribe
Every time I miss any family event, multiple family members make a big deal out of it, get pissed off with me and give me the cold shoulder for weeks afterwards. I think they are overreacting. Am I wrong or do they need to chill out?
Let me preface this with saying that I am a 31 year old adult. I occasionally miss family events, like today. I attend them 85% of the time, but sometimes I either don’t feel like it (I have social anxiety and often the events are uncomfortable for me) and make an excuse, or I have legitimate extenuating circumstances that prevent me from coming. I feel that as an adult it is my business if I am going to attend an event or not. I feel like my family treats me like a little kid whenever I choose to not attend something.
For example, today was my 7 year old nephew’s birthday party. I know that he had several of his friends over, and probably most of my family came over as well. I recently started dating again and a few days ago I accidentally accepted a date with a new person on the same day. The guy had bought tickets in advance to the event today, and I have to be honest, I wanted to go and get to know this new person instead of going to my nephew’s party. I see my nephew and all of my family very frequently (about once a week). I went on the date with the new guy instead of going to the party, and then the hate/guilt trip texts started coming in. “Where are you? Are you okay? Everyone’s wondering where you are!” and the passive aggressive “So-and-so’s bday is coming up on the 24th. Please do not make any other plans on that day.” I realized I could have told my family my plans in advance instead of just not showing up, but I knew that even if I told them, it would be the same thing – they’d guilt trip me and make me feel bad about it. It’s the same thing for any time that I miss anything.
I think I need an objective point of view on this since I’m too close to the situation. Am I in the wrong or is my family? If I’ve screwed up here (which is totally possible), how can I make it up to them?
Let me preface this with saying that I am a 31 year old adult. I occasionally miss family events, like today. I attend them 85% of the time, but sometimes I either don’t feel like it (I have social anxiety and often the events are uncomfortable for me) and make an excuse, or I have legitimate extenuating circumstances that prevent me from coming. I feel that as an adult it is my business if I am going to attend an event or not. I feel like my family treats me like a little kid whenever I choose to not attend something.
For example, today was my 7 year old nephew’s birthday party. I know that he had several of his friends over, and probably most of my family came over as well. I recently started dating again and a few days ago I accidentally accepted a date with a new person on the same day. The guy had bought tickets in advance to the event today, and I have to be honest, I wanted to go and get to know this new person instead of going to my nephew’s party. I see my nephew and all of my family very frequently (about once a week). I went on the date with the new guy instead of going to the party, and then the hate/guilt trip texts started coming in. “Where are you? Are you okay? Everyone’s wondering where you are!” and the passive aggressive “So-and-so’s bday is coming up on the 24th. Please do not make any other plans on that day.” I realized I could have told my family my plans in advance instead of just not showing up, but I knew that even if I told them, it would be the same thing – they’d guilt trip me and make me feel bad about it. It’s the same thing for any time that I miss anything.
I think I need an objective point of view on this since I’m too close to the situation. Am I in the wrong or is my family? If I’ve screwed up here (which is totally possible), how can I make it up to them?
If you accept a personal invitation, you need to tell people in advance you're not showing up. You don't need to engage with any guilt-tripping texts you might get, but you can't leave people expecting you hanging. I have to admit, I do not understand why Millennials struggle with this one so much. It's so much easier to notify people now!
posted by praemunire at 7:33 PM on June 10, 2018 [104 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 7:33 PM on June 10, 2018 [104 favorites]
You need to be clear whether you're going or not, and you need to give the hosts as much advance notice as possible either way. I understand that a sudden anxiety attack may mean short notice, but accepting a date means you have more time to give notice. It's also generally tacky to accept invitations on dates for which you've already accepted other social invitations. I suspect that if you're much clearer in advance with your family about when you're attending and when you're not, they'll be much less likely to send concerned messages asking whether you're coming.
posted by lazuli at 7:39 PM on June 10, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 7:39 PM on June 10, 2018 [14 favorites]
I don't think you are wrong at all, unless you are changing your mind post-rsvp or leaving people hanging. But the texts from your family don't sound passive-aggressive or guilt trippy to me either. They sound straightforward and inclusive, and you are well within your rights to respond in kind. "I have a date that day so I will give nephew extra hugs when I see him this week." "I'm fine, thanks for checking on me, now go enjoy the party." "I'll let you know if I can make it."
Nobody can make you feel guilty. If you feel guilty, examine that. Be considerate and reliable. Beyond that, your time is your own. But it's on you to claim it.
posted by headnsouth at 7:40 PM on June 10, 2018 [6 favorites]
Nobody can make you feel guilty. If you feel guilty, examine that. Be considerate and reliable. Beyond that, your time is your own. But it's on you to claim it.
posted by headnsouth at 7:40 PM on June 10, 2018 [6 favorites]
I think it is a bit rude to just not show up to an event where they were expecting you, but I also think you need to have a discussion with your family about resetting some of their expectations about you attending family events, and to talk about how they respond when you don't attend. Let them know in advance if you are not going to be able to make it (and don't over-explain why you won't be attending, just say "I have some other plans" or similar). If they guilt you, you can try and explain like you have done here, but you might have to learn to ignore and/or redirect them.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:42 PM on June 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 7:42 PM on June 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
I think the first part of your question doesn’t really match the second. It’s ok to decline an invitation if you don’t want to go or have other plans. They should respect that to some degree, as some events are more important than others, etc.
The second part sounds like you said you’d go and then just didn’t show up. If that’s the case, they have a point. Even texting and saying “hey something came up” is better than not showing.
posted by cabingirl at 7:44 PM on June 10, 2018 [60 favorites]
The second part sounds like you said you’d go and then just didn’t show up. If that’s the case, they have a point. Even texting and saying “hey something came up” is better than not showing.
posted by cabingirl at 7:44 PM on June 10, 2018 [60 favorites]
It depends on the event, on the excuse and on the family. It is reasonable for you to set some boundaries and carve out more time for your mental health, as well as your social life. Part of doing this, though, involves you behaving like an adult and setting reasonable expectations. This means notifying people when you won’t be in attendance.
I don’t know how close you are to your nephew, but in my family this would cause hurt feelings. A birthday is often the one day a year that is about that kid. Obviously this will vary from family to family and maybe this particular child didn’t have his feelings hurt, but my nephew would have been upset if I had no-shown his birthday party without any prior notice.
The proper course of action would have been to let them know in advance and to make a special effort to tell the kid happy birthday. Offering to take him out for a one-on-one activity, while not mandatory, would be an especially nice touch. I think this merits an apology from you. It’s not a capital offense, but it is rude.
posted by diamondsky at 7:54 PM on June 10, 2018 [17 favorites]
I don’t know how close you are to your nephew, but in my family this would cause hurt feelings. A birthday is often the one day a year that is about that kid. Obviously this will vary from family to family and maybe this particular child didn’t have his feelings hurt, but my nephew would have been upset if I had no-shown his birthday party without any prior notice.
The proper course of action would have been to let them know in advance and to make a special effort to tell the kid happy birthday. Offering to take him out for a one-on-one activity, while not mandatory, would be an especially nice touch. I think this merits an apology from you. It’s not a capital offense, but it is rude.
posted by diamondsky at 7:54 PM on June 10, 2018 [17 favorites]
A simple rule to follow to eliminate justified hassling is that if someone has a good reason to expect you to be somewhere, and you aren't going to be there, you should make sure they know you won't be there.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:55 PM on June 10, 2018 [25 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:55 PM on June 10, 2018 [25 favorites]
If they were texting asking where you were, then it seems like you ditched the party with no notice when they expected you to be there. That's different than declining an invite or cancelling. So yeah, I kind of think in this instance, they have a right to be a bit upset.
As far as the general issue of not going to some family events, I get that and I think it's okay. But I also think you need to give them a heads up.
posted by bearette at 7:56 PM on June 10, 2018 [6 favorites]
As far as the general issue of not going to some family events, I get that and I think it's okay. But I also think you need to give them a heads up.
posted by bearette at 7:56 PM on June 10, 2018 [6 favorites]
I also should say that I think a birthday party with a niece or nephew that you know well is a much bigger deal than a random family bbq or whatever, and so it adds to what they'd be upset.
posted by bearette at 7:57 PM on June 10, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by bearette at 7:57 PM on June 10, 2018 [9 favorites]
This specific case you were sort of a jerk (no heads up to anyone?).
I understand why you did so, if any event being missed causes an uproar it they've created the situation that made you feel it was just easier to bail without warning. But I suspect you'll feel more confident in your decisions if you don't fight rudeness with rudeness.
I don't know your family, but could you translate their guilt trips to expressions of love? Then channel Miss Manners and repeat " That won't be possible." Go ahead and soften it if you want, add "I'll miss you too!"
posted by ghost phoneme at 8:01 PM on June 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
I understand why you did so, if any event being missed causes an uproar it they've created the situation that made you feel it was just easier to bail without warning. But I suspect you'll feel more confident in your decisions if you don't fight rudeness with rudeness.
I don't know your family, but could you translate their guilt trips to expressions of love? Then channel Miss Manners and repeat " That won't be possible." Go ahead and soften it if you want, add "I'll miss you too!"
posted by ghost phoneme at 8:01 PM on June 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think the problem is sometimes you don’t go because of anxiety and you make an excuse, and sometimes you have genuine emergencies, and no one knows which is which until you tell them.
posted by corb at 8:05 PM on June 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by corb at 8:05 PM on June 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have no idea what your relationship with your nephew is, so blowing off his party without giving anyone a heads up is rude in my eyes. Especially if he was really hoping that you would be there. How would a seven-year-old process the idea that a beloved relative not only didn't show up and didn't tell anyone they weren't coming, but also blew him off to go on a date with some guy? Adults understand those sorts of things better than kids do. I agree with the others that your family may be a bit overbearing here, but you were definitely in the wrong to not inform them ahead of time that your plans had changed and that you wouldn't be coming.
posted by acidnova at 8:05 PM on June 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by acidnova at 8:05 PM on June 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
If you said you were going to your nephew’s birthday party, you should not have changed plans because a better offer came up. It was absolutely shitty to not let them know you weren’t coming.
It’s fine to not go to family events, but the way you handled this was rude. Degree of rudeness depends on whether you’d told them you’d come.
posted by FencingGal at 8:08 PM on June 10, 2018 [14 favorites]
It’s fine to not go to family events, but the way you handled this was rude. Degree of rudeness depends on whether you’d told them you’d come.
posted by FencingGal at 8:08 PM on June 10, 2018 [14 favorites]
Being an adult means you get to choose how to live your life, but it also means that you need to think of others. Some 7 year olds would care not at all about an adult relative missing their birthday party. Other 7 year olds would care a great deal. How big a deal is it really for your nephew? You know that better than us. You say, “I know that he had several of his friends over, and probably most of my family came over as well,” but it feels like you’re using that as a dodge to try to avoid taking responsibility.
And nthing that RSVPing in the affirmative and then noping out when something better comes along isn’t cool (particularly if you don’t let anyone know). Even if you didn’t RSVP and people assumed you’d be there because you usually are at things like this, that’s almost as bad.
Be an adult. Live your life the way you want to live it, but be forthright with others and treat them with love and respect.
posted by Betelgeuse at 8:16 PM on June 10, 2018 [17 favorites]
And nthing that RSVPing in the affirmative and then noping out when something better comes along isn’t cool (particularly if you don’t let anyone know). Even if you didn’t RSVP and people assumed you’d be there because you usually are at things like this, that’s almost as bad.
Be an adult. Live your life the way you want to live it, but be forthright with others and treat them with love and respect.
posted by Betelgeuse at 8:16 PM on June 10, 2018 [17 favorites]
Let me preface this with saying that I am a 31 year old adult.
Well, then I'm sure you understand that adults follow through when they've accepted an invitation. If they cannot follow through after they've accepted an invitation, then adults give the appropriate notice to their hosts -- even if their hosts are family members, and even if the event is "just" a 7-year-old's birthday party. Emergencies require less notice than simply not feeling up to it or discovering you made two plans for the same day; severe emergencies -- say, involving broken bones -- are, IMO, the only acceptable reason for an adult to pull a no-show without advance notice. It's possible that you are already doing this, though from the way you worded your question it's unclear. If you're not already doing this, then you are not blameless here.
posted by the return of the thin white sock at 8:18 PM on June 10, 2018 [19 favorites]
Well, then I'm sure you understand that adults follow through when they've accepted an invitation. If they cannot follow through after they've accepted an invitation, then adults give the appropriate notice to their hosts -- even if their hosts are family members, and even if the event is "just" a 7-year-old's birthday party. Emergencies require less notice than simply not feeling up to it or discovering you made two plans for the same day; severe emergencies -- say, involving broken bones -- are, IMO, the only acceptable reason for an adult to pull a no-show without advance notice. It's possible that you are already doing this, though from the way you worded your question it's unclear. If you're not already doing this, then you are not blameless here.
posted by the return of the thin white sock at 8:18 PM on June 10, 2018 [19 favorites]
"I feel that as an adult it is my business if I am going to attend an event or not."
It's very much the business of the people who are inviting you to, and hosting, the event. They are planning, preparing, buying food, communicating and doing a lot of work to create these events. Not notifying these people whether you are coming is communicating to them that you don't care whether you're inconveniencing them.
If it makes you uncomfortable to say no in advance, one thing I do sometimes is draft a standard response in a text editor and then cut/paste it into an email or a text, adding names and personal details. Here's a start: "Hey ____, the party sounds great -- thanks for inviting me. I won't be able to make it -- I'm looking forward to catching up _____ though." For some reason the pre-drafted response tricks the "I hate saying no" part of my brain.
It also helps me to remember that it might feel 10% unpleasant saying no to an event right when I'm invited, but it feels 95% unpleasant if I cancel the day-of or just flake out. You'll have so much more peace of mind if you get in the habit of communicating clearly and promptly whether you will or will not attend.
You sound like you're trying to do the right thing. I applaud you for posting this question. Maybe it would even be worth taking your nephew out for ice cream or something since he may be sad you missed his party.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 8:19 PM on June 10, 2018 [25 favorites]
It's very much the business of the people who are inviting you to, and hosting, the event. They are planning, preparing, buying food, communicating and doing a lot of work to create these events. Not notifying these people whether you are coming is communicating to them that you don't care whether you're inconveniencing them.
If it makes you uncomfortable to say no in advance, one thing I do sometimes is draft a standard response in a text editor and then cut/paste it into an email or a text, adding names and personal details. Here's a start: "Hey ____, the party sounds great -- thanks for inviting me. I won't be able to make it -- I'm looking forward to catching up _____ though." For some reason the pre-drafted response tricks the "I hate saying no" part of my brain.
It also helps me to remember that it might feel 10% unpleasant saying no to an event right when I'm invited, but it feels 95% unpleasant if I cancel the day-of or just flake out. You'll have so much more peace of mind if you get in the habit of communicating clearly and promptly whether you will or will not attend.
You sound like you're trying to do the right thing. I applaud you for posting this question. Maybe it would even be worth taking your nephew out for ice cream or something since he may be sad you missed his party.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 8:19 PM on June 10, 2018 [25 favorites]
What you've described doesn't sound like an overreaction, but I believe you that it's part of a shitty pattern. Seems like you don't want to go to most of these events, but they won't let you just quietly not go. Not telling anyone you're not coming doesn't work unless you're prepared to go through this every time until they get the message. Can you tell one person, whoever the most relevant person is, in advance that you won't be there and then ignore any messages from anyone about it? Or just reply with 'Sorry, I won't be able to make it' and not try to justify yourself and give them room to argue? Change the subject, maybe really obviously?
It does suck to feel pressured like this, and you're not obligated to show up for every single family gathering (or any of them-- I assume you don't want to cut them out, just get them to back off a little, but it's really ok to not enjoy these events). I hope your family will learn to let it go. I don't think your nephew will care about this once you apologize, so don't feel too guilty about it.
posted by gaybobbie at 8:28 PM on June 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
It does suck to feel pressured like this, and you're not obligated to show up for every single family gathering (or any of them-- I assume you don't want to cut them out, just get them to back off a little, but it's really ok to not enjoy these events). I hope your family will learn to let it go. I don't think your nephew will care about this once you apologize, so don't feel too guilty about it.
posted by gaybobbie at 8:28 PM on June 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
So, I have friends like this — really severe anxiety, tendency to double- or triple-book themselves, high flake-to-follow-through ratio. It doesn’t make them terrible people, but it does start to sting after a while.
Here, from worst to best, are the ways they have noped out on me:
Zero stars: Says they’ll be there, never shows up, never explains why, gets defensive OR dismissive if asked
One star: Says they’ll be there, and the day of when I send an “are we still on?” text they finally admit there’s no way it’ll happen
Two stars: Says they’ll be there, flakes out the day of, but at least warns me without being prompted — and ideally, with some lead time
Three stars: Says they’ll be there and later says “Something non-negotiable has come up, can’t make it, drinks are on me next time” more than a day in advance
Four stars: RSVP “regrets” — knows they can’t go/don’t want to go, sends best wishes, doesn’t promise more than they can deliver.
“Five stars” would be actually showing up.
And hey, I have the occasional three-star moment myself, or even a two-star emergency. But when one friend KEPT pulling the one-star routine, I finally had to tell her that it was impossible for other sensitive people not to take it personally.
I know some families make this extra weird/hard because politely declining an invitation leads to a series of advanced interrogation techniques. But see if you can get to a three-star average over the next several months; you’ll feel better about yourself, and about ignoring the “but whyyyyyyy?” follow-up messages.
posted by armeowda at 8:43 PM on June 10, 2018 [47 favorites]
Here, from worst to best, are the ways they have noped out on me:
Zero stars: Says they’ll be there, never shows up, never explains why, gets defensive OR dismissive if asked
One star: Says they’ll be there, and the day of when I send an “are we still on?” text they finally admit there’s no way it’ll happen
Two stars: Says they’ll be there, flakes out the day of, but at least warns me without being prompted — and ideally, with some lead time
Three stars: Says they’ll be there and later says “Something non-negotiable has come up, can’t make it, drinks are on me next time” more than a day in advance
Four stars: RSVP “regrets” — knows they can’t go/don’t want to go, sends best wishes, doesn’t promise more than they can deliver.
“Five stars” would be actually showing up.
And hey, I have the occasional three-star moment myself, or even a two-star emergency. But when one friend KEPT pulling the one-star routine, I finally had to tell her that it was impossible for other sensitive people not to take it personally.
I know some families make this extra weird/hard because politely declining an invitation leads to a series of advanced interrogation techniques. But see if you can get to a three-star average over the next several months; you’ll feel better about yourself, and about ignoring the “but whyyyyyyy?” follow-up messages.
posted by armeowda at 8:43 PM on June 10, 2018 [47 favorites]
It would be better if you had told them in advance and dealt with the fallout from that, and maybe there's a bit of a dysfunctional dynamic here and you should get them used to the idea of you not attending every single family function since you have a life too.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:53 PM on June 10, 2018
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:53 PM on June 10, 2018
I think an 85% ratio of attendance for family events is perfectly fine. I probably had more like 60% before moving 3,000 miles away and now it’s 0%. The part that strikes me odd is not letting them know when you’re not coming. If they are still hassling you, even with adequate foreknowledge that you have a conflict, then it’s for sure them, not you.
posted by greermahoney at 8:57 PM on June 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by greermahoney at 8:57 PM on June 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you're mad at them for expecting you to attend and scolding you if you skip events, so you're passive-aggressively punishing them by withholding communication and no-showing. That's a shitty and rude way to handle yourself.
Instead, I'd suggest the following:
Think about how often you want to see them, and attend those functions only. It's totally ok for you to want to attend fewer events than you're invited to. Do try to attend the ones that are considered especially important.
You can choose not to attend as many events as you want, as long as you RSVP politely. Politely doesn't mean truthfully. It's totally ok to fake sick or pretend work called you in... but you do need to send your RSVP as early as possible and at least 24h in advance.
It's reasonable to have maybe 2 last minute emergencies per year (panic attack. depression spiral. car broke down, etc.) When those happen you are exempt from the early RSVP rule- but you do still need to RSVP so people don't worry you were hit by a bus. Feel free to lie about why, that's your business. "I was really looking forward to Mason's birthday but something I ate didn't agree with me / I have a migraine... sorry to miss it, please smooch him for me and I'll see you all next week at Grandmas!'"
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:59 PM on June 10, 2018 [8 favorites]
Instead, I'd suggest the following:
Think about how often you want to see them, and attend those functions only. It's totally ok for you to want to attend fewer events than you're invited to. Do try to attend the ones that are considered especially important.
You can choose not to attend as many events as you want, as long as you RSVP politely. Politely doesn't mean truthfully. It's totally ok to fake sick or pretend work called you in... but you do need to send your RSVP as early as possible and at least 24h in advance.
It's reasonable to have maybe 2 last minute emergencies per year (panic attack. depression spiral. car broke down, etc.) When those happen you are exempt from the early RSVP rule- but you do still need to RSVP so people don't worry you were hit by a bus. Feel free to lie about why, that's your business. "I was really looking forward to Mason's birthday but something I ate didn't agree with me / I have a migraine... sorry to miss it, please smooch him for me and I'll see you all next week at Grandmas!'"
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:59 PM on June 10, 2018 [8 favorites]
I don't know, I have to deal with this sort of bullshit from my family as well, and, based on your side of things, and based on my experience with this crap, I think (obviously) your family is out of line. EDIT: Although you need to tell them when you can't make it.
For example, my mother insists that everyone be together for Christmas at their house. My wife's family lives in her home country overseas, and sometimes we'd like to visit them over the Christmas holiday. But whenever this happens (maybe once or twice a decade) it causes a huge fight.
Or my sister will come to town (I live in the same town as my parents) on a long weekend, and I'll be forced to stick around instead of enjoying someplace else -- I am self-employed and get virtually no holidays save for stats.
It's not just me that's affected. It's my whole family, including my wife and my kids. I have to "wrangle" them to attend.
What I try to do is, like you, ensure I am available for most foreseeable family events, such as my parents' birthdays, and also my niece and nephew's birthdays (one sister lives in town).
But I also make my own plans, and if it conflicts, that's too bad. I ensure I attend events that I have RSVPed for, and I'm always on time.
There is some friction and some hurt feelings. But I try to ignore it.
I also realize it's not about me, exactly. It's a bit of a control thing, where old, ancient family dynamics resurface. You can't change those dynamics easily. It can take decades.
posted by JamesBay at 9:01 PM on June 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
For example, my mother insists that everyone be together for Christmas at their house. My wife's family lives in her home country overseas, and sometimes we'd like to visit them over the Christmas holiday. But whenever this happens (maybe once or twice a decade) it causes a huge fight.
Or my sister will come to town (I live in the same town as my parents) on a long weekend, and I'll be forced to stick around instead of enjoying someplace else -- I am self-employed and get virtually no holidays save for stats.
It's not just me that's affected. It's my whole family, including my wife and my kids. I have to "wrangle" them to attend.
What I try to do is, like you, ensure I am available for most foreseeable family events, such as my parents' birthdays, and also my niece and nephew's birthdays (one sister lives in town).
But I also make my own plans, and if it conflicts, that's too bad. I ensure I attend events that I have RSVPed for, and I'm always on time.
There is some friction and some hurt feelings. But I try to ignore it.
I also realize it's not about me, exactly. It's a bit of a control thing, where old, ancient family dynamics resurface. You can't change those dynamics easily. It can take decades.
posted by JamesBay at 9:01 PM on June 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
Attending family gatherings 85% of the time sounds like way more then enough. In my opinion 50% is great. You have every right to have your own life and going on the date instead of going to the birthday party was absolutely ok. It's your life. You get to spend it how you want. Attend family gatherings when you choose. If you're family wants to give you the guilt trip that's their problem. They don't own you. Family is important yes but your own life and social life outside of family is just as important.
posted by ljs30 at 9:02 PM on June 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by ljs30 at 9:02 PM on June 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
Be clear about whether you're attending or not and then give no details about why you're busy if you decline an invite. If they press, just say that you can't make it and that you have a conflict. Period. They're not entitled to have you attend every event and giving your family details is just allowing them extra info to use against you as they weigh the importance of your plans vs their wishes. 85% is more than enough..
posted by quince at 10:00 PM on June 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by quince at 10:00 PM on June 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
From my perspective, your family is literally taking your attendance for granted. I don't mean that as a criticism, because apparently it works for many of them and for many other families. However, it isn't working for you, and there's nothing wrong with setting different expectations about your availability. "Oh! We didn't talk about it, and I made other plans" is fine for this instance. They may well view their neglect to confirm with you as you neglecting to give notice, but that is at best a common familial dynamic and not a general rule for all families.
The passive-aggressive claim on your future schedule does seem super irritating to deal with, but I'd suggest just answering the way you would have if they'd asked nicely. If that's "I'll be glad to be there" because you really will be, cool, but if it's "I won't be able to come, but I hope everyone has a lot of fun!" that's fine too and still more polite than their pushiness has really earned. I don't know if they'll ever not nudge you to go along with the dynamics that work better for them, but here's the thing: you obviously do care about all the people involved, and to reasonable people, that's eventually going to show through one way or the other.
posted by Wobbuffet at 11:06 PM on June 10, 2018 [6 favorites]
The passive-aggressive claim on your future schedule does seem super irritating to deal with, but I'd suggest just answering the way you would have if they'd asked nicely. If that's "I'll be glad to be there" because you really will be, cool, but if it's "I won't be able to come, but I hope everyone has a lot of fun!" that's fine too and still more polite than their pushiness has really earned. I don't know if they'll ever not nudge you to go along with the dynamics that work better for them, but here's the thing: you obviously do care about all the people involved, and to reasonable people, that's eventually going to show through one way or the other.
posted by Wobbuffet at 11:06 PM on June 10, 2018 [6 favorites]
So, to be clear, did they actually tell you, in a reasonable time frame, when the birthday party was going to be?
Because if they did (and they didn‘t just spring it on you a day earlier or you heard it through the family grapevine), then you absolutely need to decline or give them notice.
You can‘t just no-show! No-showing says „I don‘t give a shit“, which is a terrible thing to convey to a 7 yo about his birthday. It‘s the best day of his year! Even the most laid back parent is going to be resentful about that.
That said, it‘s not cool that your family gives you a hard time when you decline attendance. An invitation is not a summons. And you can refuse to divulge what the nature of your „something“ that came up and you can question why you are being grilled about it by the Spanish inquisition.
But please speak up and decline. Not doing so is super immature and disrespectful.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:33 PM on June 10, 2018 [13 favorites]
Because if they did (and they didn‘t just spring it on you a day earlier or you heard it through the family grapevine), then you absolutely need to decline or give them notice.
You can‘t just no-show! No-showing says „I don‘t give a shit“, which is a terrible thing to convey to a 7 yo about his birthday. It‘s the best day of his year! Even the most laid back parent is going to be resentful about that.
That said, it‘s not cool that your family gives you a hard time when you decline attendance. An invitation is not a summons. And you can refuse to divulge what the nature of your „something“ that came up and you can question why you are being grilled about it by the Spanish inquisition.
But please speak up and decline. Not doing so is super immature and disrespectful.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:33 PM on June 10, 2018 [13 favorites]
I realized I could have told my family my plans in advance instead of just not showing up, but I knew that even if I told them, it would be the same thing
maybe engage in basic politeness for your own sense of self-respect, unconnected to any expectation of reward. rewards for good behavior are how children are trained to become 31-year-old adults to whom it's second nature.
you don't want your family to have intrusive expectations of you, treat them like strangers. that means decline without excuses but with courtesy. checking to see if you're ok when you no-show instead of just assuming you were rude on purpose is not a "hate/guilt trip," it's generosity.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:41 PM on June 10, 2018 [13 favorites]
maybe engage in basic politeness for your own sense of self-respect, unconnected to any expectation of reward. rewards for good behavior are how children are trained to become 31-year-old adults to whom it's second nature.
you don't want your family to have intrusive expectations of you, treat them like strangers. that means decline without excuses but with courtesy. checking to see if you're ok when you no-show instead of just assuming you were rude on purpose is not a "hate/guilt trip," it's generosity.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:41 PM on June 10, 2018 [13 favorites]
Oh, and you ask how you could make it up...
Well, if I were you I‘d send your nephew a cool little gift and/or card with basically „I‘m sorry I couldn‘t make it to your birthday. I wanted you to know that I’m so proud to have you as my nephew“ (or whatever sentiments you tend to express about him that seem natural).
As a parent, that would go a long way to mollify me. You absolutely can also apologize to them that you didn‘t consider that a no-show would be such a problem. In the future you‘ll definitely be more considerate and let them know if you can‘t come.
(That also indirectly lets them know they can‘t just take your attendance for granted!)
posted by Omnomnom at 11:41 PM on June 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
Well, if I were you I‘d send your nephew a cool little gift and/or card with basically „I‘m sorry I couldn‘t make it to your birthday. I wanted you to know that I’m so proud to have you as my nephew“ (or whatever sentiments you tend to express about him that seem natural).
As a parent, that would go a long way to mollify me. You absolutely can also apologize to them that you didn‘t consider that a no-show would be such a problem. In the future you‘ll definitely be more considerate and let them know if you can‘t come.
(That also indirectly lets them know they can‘t just take your attendance for granted!)
posted by Omnomnom at 11:41 PM on June 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
I'm not so much posting this in response to the example you gave, but because it's something I heard when I was younger that has helped me get things in perspective, and it is this quote (I don't know who coined it):
"Love is showing up."
And I don't mean this to guilt you any further. I just mean that it's a good thing to think about when you're making decisions in your life about things to do or not do.
You don't have to "show up" physically 100% of the time, to demonstrate your love for the people you care about. But it's worth questioning how you show up for them when it matters to them. My closest friends have showed up on my doorstep at quite short notice when I'm sad, even if they had other plans. And my family members show up to my "big birthdays" because they know that celebrating them is important to me, even when the event isn't really their bag, or it's a long way to travel. They show up when they know it really matters to me.
I don't think you need to take it entirely literally either. Showing up can also mean, a phonecall on someone's birthday, to say "I am taking the time to call you to say I'm sorry I can't be with you in person today, because you matter to me".
Anyway, my 20s were quite a selfish time of my life. Somewhat necessarily so - I was going through a lot in terms of Life Events and mental health issues. But that phrase helped me recalibrate my mind after I got on top of things a bit, to make sure that I got back into the habit of building relationships in ways that are meaningful to other people, not just to me.
posted by greenish at 2:28 AM on June 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
"Love is showing up."
And I don't mean this to guilt you any further. I just mean that it's a good thing to think about when you're making decisions in your life about things to do or not do.
You don't have to "show up" physically 100% of the time, to demonstrate your love for the people you care about. But it's worth questioning how you show up for them when it matters to them. My closest friends have showed up on my doorstep at quite short notice when I'm sad, even if they had other plans. And my family members show up to my "big birthdays" because they know that celebrating them is important to me, even when the event isn't really their bag, or it's a long way to travel. They show up when they know it really matters to me.
I don't think you need to take it entirely literally either. Showing up can also mean, a phonecall on someone's birthday, to say "I am taking the time to call you to say I'm sorry I can't be with you in person today, because you matter to me".
Anyway, my 20s were quite a selfish time of my life. Somewhat necessarily so - I was going through a lot in terms of Life Events and mental health issues. But that phrase helped me recalibrate my mind after I got on top of things a bit, to make sure that I got back into the habit of building relationships in ways that are meaningful to other people, not just to me.
posted by greenish at 2:28 AM on June 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
Nthing what everyone said above about actually making it clear beforehand that you won't be able to make it, even if it is an uncomfortable conversation.
I also wanted to dig into that 85% figure a bit more. Not all events are created equal. Even if you're attending 85% of family events, it's one thing to miss a weekly Sunday dinner, another to miss a one off like your nephew's birthday. In a way, the fact that he sees you so often probably makes it worse not better in this case.
But things do happen. In this case you accidentally double booked this date and the other party had already expended money. So you're left in a tough situation. In this case, the responsible and adult thing would be to decide what you're going to do and communicate that well in advance. Your family might not react well but you will have to take your lumps as a consequence of making the mistake. And then try to make it up to your nephew in some way.
Note that the above is only for important family occasions like your nephew's birthday and the like. While you still have to tell people you won't be able to attend a family BBQ or standing weekly dinner, you don't have to listen to their guilt trips about that.
posted by peacheater at 3:36 AM on June 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
I also wanted to dig into that 85% figure a bit more. Not all events are created equal. Even if you're attending 85% of family events, it's one thing to miss a weekly Sunday dinner, another to miss a one off like your nephew's birthday. In a way, the fact that he sees you so often probably makes it worse not better in this case.
But things do happen. In this case you accidentally double booked this date and the other party had already expended money. So you're left in a tough situation. In this case, the responsible and adult thing would be to decide what you're going to do and communicate that well in advance. Your family might not react well but you will have to take your lumps as a consequence of making the mistake. And then try to make it up to your nephew in some way.
Note that the above is only for important family occasions like your nephew's birthday and the like. While you still have to tell people you won't be able to attend a family BBQ or standing weekly dinner, you don't have to listen to their guilt trips about that.
posted by peacheater at 3:36 AM on June 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
I don't make it to all my family events, however I do let them know that I'm not coming well in advance and for things like kid birthdays make sure they have a card and/or gift from me the day of.
I think nearly every family would be upset at someone who just doesn't show up without telling them - one, because they're probably worried about where you are at least for part of it, but two, because people tend to put a lot of work and planning into an event and it feels like you're getting taken advantage of when people just don't show up. I'm not sure if you ever host family or just go to their events, but perhaps hosting one might give you a different perspective as to why people get upset when you just no-show.
posted by notorious medium at 3:41 AM on June 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think nearly every family would be upset at someone who just doesn't show up without telling them - one, because they're probably worried about where you are at least for part of it, but two, because people tend to put a lot of work and planning into an event and it feels like you're getting taken advantage of when people just don't show up. I'm not sure if you ever host family or just go to their events, but perhaps hosting one might give you a different perspective as to why people get upset when you just no-show.
posted by notorious medium at 3:41 AM on June 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
I realized I could have told my family my plans in advance instead of just not showing up, but I knew that even if I told them, it would be the same thing – they’d guilt trip me and make me feel bad about it. It’s the same thing for any time that I miss anything.
If you get the same shit whether you tell them in advance or not, I get why you just avoided the stress.
At some point, you should probably explain to them that you're not going to be at every event, just because you find it so stressful. They probably won't understand, but at least you've got it off your choice. You may have to explain to them several times.
The only apology you might owe or the person you'd have to make it up to is your nephew and it's 50/50 whether he'd much care. Take him out for ice cream, he'll probably be thrilled.
In closing, yeah your family sounds nuts about this. You should work on strategies to minimize your stress from this bullshit in the future and then move forward.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:41 AM on June 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
If you get the same shit whether you tell them in advance or not, I get why you just avoided the stress.
At some point, you should probably explain to them that you're not going to be at every event, just because you find it so stressful. They probably won't understand, but at least you've got it off your choice. You may have to explain to them several times.
The only apology you might owe or the person you'd have to make it up to is your nephew and it's 50/50 whether he'd much care. Take him out for ice cream, he'll probably be thrilled.
In closing, yeah your family sounds nuts about this. You should work on strategies to minimize your stress from this bullshit in the future and then move forward.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:41 AM on June 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
If you would like your family to treat you with courtesy you need to go first.
Look, we've all double-booked (although a good calendar system can help) but the adult way to handle it once you made your decision was to let your nephew's parents know right away. And for bonus classy points, stop by earlier in the day for 5 minutes or so with a card, or call and say happy birthday.
I don't know about your nephew but my sons would have been asking all party where their aunt/uncle was. I know social rules vary but I can't think of many families where just not showing up for a birthday party is the norm.
Your family sounds a bit like they are treating you like a teenager with the "please remember this next event" thing, but the reason they are doing that, I bet, is that you are treating their normal family events like birthday parties like some kind of infringement on your autonomy and forgetting basic courtesy.
What kind of an adult do you want to be? The kind that you never know if they are going to show up? The kind where the grownups are explaining to the kids that you just can't expect everyone to care about your birthday?
Be a person of integrity and most families will respond well.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:55 AM on June 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
Look, we've all double-booked (although a good calendar system can help) but the adult way to handle it once you made your decision was to let your nephew's parents know right away. And for bonus classy points, stop by earlier in the day for 5 minutes or so with a card, or call and say happy birthday.
I don't know about your nephew but my sons would have been asking all party where their aunt/uncle was. I know social rules vary but I can't think of many families where just not showing up for a birthday party is the norm.
Your family sounds a bit like they are treating you like a teenager with the "please remember this next event" thing, but the reason they are doing that, I bet, is that you are treating their normal family events like birthday parties like some kind of infringement on your autonomy and forgetting basic courtesy.
What kind of an adult do you want to be? The kind that you never know if they are going to show up? The kind where the grownups are explaining to the kids that you just can't expect everyone to care about your birthday?
Be a person of integrity and most families will respond well.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:55 AM on June 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
Are you getting treatment for your social anxiety?
I recommend you do! It sounds like you are so put off by the unpleasantness of sending a negative reply that you don't give one, and then on the day of the event you don't show up, leaving people worrying about you, or wondering why.
I promise you that RSVPing no to an event is not as stressful as making people worry about you when you haven't shown up and bombarding you with texts as a result! FWIW none of the messages you mentioned came across as passive-aggressive to me. They sounded like pretty normal messages one would send to an expected guest who hasn't turned up.
I am a big fan of "owning your time". You are not obligated to attend every event you are invited to. But as a human being in the world, you are obligated to at least say "thanks but something non-negotiable is happening that day, sorry i can't be there, hope you all have fun". That's what it means to be an adult relating to other adults. I'm 35 btw.
When you say you're coming to a thing, people expect you and accommodate you. They might keep your food allergies in mind when planning the menu. They might keep your location in mind when picking a venue for the event. It's really rude to say you'll go to a thing and then not go because you don't feel like it. That's pretty much the opposite of adult behaviour.
posted by Ziggy500 at 4:14 AM on June 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
I recommend you do! It sounds like you are so put off by the unpleasantness of sending a negative reply that you don't give one, and then on the day of the event you don't show up, leaving people worrying about you, or wondering why.
I promise you that RSVPing no to an event is not as stressful as making people worry about you when you haven't shown up and bombarding you with texts as a result! FWIW none of the messages you mentioned came across as passive-aggressive to me. They sounded like pretty normal messages one would send to an expected guest who hasn't turned up.
I am a big fan of "owning your time". You are not obligated to attend every event you are invited to. But as a human being in the world, you are obligated to at least say "thanks but something non-negotiable is happening that day, sorry i can't be there, hope you all have fun". That's what it means to be an adult relating to other adults. I'm 35 btw.
When you say you're coming to a thing, people expect you and accommodate you. They might keep your food allergies in mind when planning the menu. They might keep your location in mind when picking a venue for the event. It's really rude to say you'll go to a thing and then not go because you don't feel like it. That's pretty much the opposite of adult behaviour.
posted by Ziggy500 at 4:14 AM on June 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have to side with your family on this one. You blew off an event so you could go on a date with a new guy? That’s not an unavoidable emergency, it’s not social anxiety, it’s not flaking, and it’s not an unexpected event. It’s just bad form. (If I went on a date with someone and found out they skipped a nephew’s party to be with me, it would not leave a good impression.) And those “please do not make any other plans that day” messages aren’t passive-aggressive, they’re direct, because that’s exactly what you did, and exactly what you should not do if you want people to treat you like a 31-year-old adult. Their reaction may be out of proportion, but in this specific example it isn’t, and the faux pas is yours.
Do you make it to doctors’ appointments, hair appointments, things that will charge you anyway if you don’t give them 24 hours’ notice that you’re canceling? Treat family events like that - they’re obligations, not optional events you can skip for something better. Maybe even go so far as to seal a $20 in an envelope, not to be removed until you either attend the event or give them appropriate notice.
I’m sympathetic to the social anxiety and last-minute not-wanting-to-go, though. It’s helped me, and it will help you, to be more honest with yourself when making plans. I used to say yes to events and favors that I felt iffy about and canceling later; now I decline if I have a feeling I won’t want to go when the day approaches. Not only does this get me off the hook for stuff I don’t want to do without it hanging over my head, it improves my RSVP-attendance ratio using lower-stakes activities, and reinforces the idea in my mind that a “yes” is a commitment. Depending on your family’s dynamics and schedule, you may have to say yes and follow through on things you’d rather not attend, but I have a feeling that after you start consistently showing up when you say you will, the events will get easier and your family won’t give you as hard of a time.
Learn to say no, and learn to mean it when you say yes.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:20 AM on June 11, 2018 [14 favorites]
Do you make it to doctors’ appointments, hair appointments, things that will charge you anyway if you don’t give them 24 hours’ notice that you’re canceling? Treat family events like that - they’re obligations, not optional events you can skip for something better. Maybe even go so far as to seal a $20 in an envelope, not to be removed until you either attend the event or give them appropriate notice.
I’m sympathetic to the social anxiety and last-minute not-wanting-to-go, though. It’s helped me, and it will help you, to be more honest with yourself when making plans. I used to say yes to events and favors that I felt iffy about and canceling later; now I decline if I have a feeling I won’t want to go when the day approaches. Not only does this get me off the hook for stuff I don’t want to do without it hanging over my head, it improves my RSVP-attendance ratio using lower-stakes activities, and reinforces the idea in my mind that a “yes” is a commitment. Depending on your family’s dynamics and schedule, you may have to say yes and follow through on things you’d rather not attend, but I have a feeling that after you start consistently showing up when you say you will, the events will get easier and your family won’t give you as hard of a time.
Learn to say no, and learn to mean it when you say yes.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:20 AM on June 11, 2018 [14 favorites]
Here’s another question. The guy you accepted a date with. If you decided to go to the birthday party instead, would you have just not shown up without telling him? My guess is no. Your family is as deserving of basic politeness as he is.
posted by FencingGal at 5:41 AM on June 11, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 5:41 AM on June 11, 2018 [12 favorites]
I couldn't disagree more strongly with most people in this thread. There is no indication that the poster ever committed to attending this event. The super-controlling “So-and-so’s bday is coming up on the 24th. Please do not make any other plans on that day” text implies that in their family, there is no RSVPing being done—the mere existence of an event is presumed to obligate everyone to be there. I would not tolerate any family member sending me a text like that, ordering me to attend an event. Reasonable people do not issue orders to other adults. A reasonable person would have written something like: "So-and-so's bday is coming up on the 24th. Will you be able to make it?" And a reasonable person would accept a negative response to that question.
In this case, it sounds more like somebody simply mentioned that a birthday party was happening and assumed the poster would attend, without asking them and without the poster ever agreeing to do so. It is not on the poster to mind-read other people's unmerited assumptions.
posted by enn at 6:28 AM on June 11, 2018 [13 favorites]
In this case, it sounds more like somebody simply mentioned that a birthday party was happening and assumed the poster would attend, without asking them and without the poster ever agreeing to do so. It is not on the poster to mind-read other people's unmerited assumptions.
posted by enn at 6:28 AM on June 11, 2018 [13 favorites]
Exactly what enn said. But also, the more and more you do not attend, the more likely you will not be invited.
posted by Pig Tail Orchestra at 6:41 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Pig Tail Orchestra at 6:41 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
I absolutely agree that if your family is issuing orders rather than invitations, or just assuming you'll attend without even inviting you, that is also rude and you should train them out of doing that. But simply not showing up when they're expecting you to is rude, and is a childish way of training them out of doing that. Have a conversation about how much notice you need, model appropriate social interactions by letting them know whether you'll be able to attend or not, and ignore any low-level passive-aggressive guilt-tripping. Bigger guilt-tripping, you can respond with, "When you put that much pressure on me, I feel anxious and actually less likely to attend," or something along those lines. Act like a responsible adult, treat your family like adults (well, at least the adult family members!), and use your words, even if they're not using theirs.
posted by lazuli at 6:45 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by lazuli at 6:45 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
It is not on the poster to mind-read other people's unmerited assumptions.
It is apparent from the post that koolaidnovel was expected to attend an event. I agree that it is ambiguous as to whether this was expected because of an affirmative RSVP or because of complex family dynamics. But for koolaidnovel to continue to play the passive aggressive game gets them nowhere. Their family passive aggressively expects them to be there and they then passive aggressively ignore the invitation.
koolaidnovel: Don't play the game. When they tell you the date, figure out whether you want to go or if you have other plans. Respond to the request as if it is an invitation (because it is). You know that they assume you'll be there. They shouldn't assume; they should ask. But don't pretend like you don't know that is what they expect of you. If you refuse to engage or engage passive aggressively, it just keeps the toxic loop going.
posted by Betelgeuse at 6:46 AM on June 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
It is apparent from the post that koolaidnovel was expected to attend an event. I agree that it is ambiguous as to whether this was expected because of an affirmative RSVP or because of complex family dynamics. But for koolaidnovel to continue to play the passive aggressive game gets them nowhere. Their family passive aggressively expects them to be there and they then passive aggressively ignore the invitation.
koolaidnovel: Don't play the game. When they tell you the date, figure out whether you want to go or if you have other plans. Respond to the request as if it is an invitation (because it is). You know that they assume you'll be there. They shouldn't assume; they should ask. But don't pretend like you don't know that is what they expect of you. If you refuse to engage or engage passive aggressively, it just keeps the toxic loop going.
posted by Betelgeuse at 6:46 AM on June 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
I asked this similar question some months ago, so I was totally relating to you here, right down to the nephew's birthday party. (TLDR: I was seriously depressed and having a hard time dealing with the thought of going to my niece and nephew's birthday party, and I was dealing with a family who is extremely overbearing about family gatherings, just like yours.) I was reading along, nodding in sympathy, and then I got to the part where you just didn’t show up and was like, what the fucking fuck.
It takes ten seconds to text and tell people you’re not coming. I totally get the overbearing family, and there are ways to deal with that, but not just showing up withiut a word isn’t one of them. So I’ll agree with the majority and straight up say that you were super rude here, and if you did this to me, I’d be pissed and giving you the cold shoulder too.
posted by O Sock My Sock at 7:17 AM on June 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
It takes ten seconds to text and tell people you’re not coming. I totally get the overbearing family, and there are ways to deal with that, but not just showing up withiut a word isn’t one of them. So I’ll agree with the majority and straight up say that you were super rude here, and if you did this to me, I’d be pissed and giving you the cold shoulder too.
posted by O Sock My Sock at 7:17 AM on June 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks guys, sounds like most agree that I was the jerk here. I didn't actually tell them I was ever going, but I probably should stop doing stuff like this. Thanks again for all the honest input!
posted by koolaidnovel at 7:28 AM on June 11, 2018 [16 favorites]
posted by koolaidnovel at 7:28 AM on June 11, 2018 [16 favorites]
Yeah, you need to tell people whether you aren't attending whenever you've been invited to something.
But this:
“So-and-so’s bday is coming up on the 24th. Please do not make any other plans on that day.”
This is not reasonable. That's written like you don't have a choice--that if your family is throwing a birthday party, you are expected to go, you are not being asked to go or being asked if you have other plans, you are being told you can't make plans because they want you at that party. That is really not okay of them to do.
posted by Polychrome at 7:34 AM on June 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
But this:
“So-and-so’s bday is coming up on the 24th. Please do not make any other plans on that day.”
This is not reasonable. That's written like you don't have a choice--that if your family is throwing a birthday party, you are expected to go, you are not being asked to go or being asked if you have other plans, you are being told you can't make plans because they want you at that party. That is really not okay of them to do.
posted by Polychrome at 7:34 AM on June 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
It sounds like your family always just assumes you will come to any and all events unless otherwise notified. Some families are like that. (Some friend groups are like that, too.) The way I see it, you have two choices:
1. Habitually show up to almost nothing, so they will stop automatically expecting you and treating it like a potential emergency when you are absent.
2. Treat all occasions as though an RSVP is expected, explicitly stating to the whole group whether you can come or not, and keeping them updated if this changes.
I tend to go with #2. This might be because I'm female, I don't know. There's a certain amount of emotional labor involved in this type of thing. The people I know who do #1 are nearly all male and seem to get away with it easier? At any rate, you have my sympathy because it sounds like you already see them quite a lot. And providing communication is of course no guarantee that they are not going to give you crap for bowing out, and ask you to defend your reasons. That's a whole other question.
posted by Knowyournuts at 9:01 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
1. Habitually show up to almost nothing, so they will stop automatically expecting you and treating it like a potential emergency when you are absent.
2. Treat all occasions as though an RSVP is expected, explicitly stating to the whole group whether you can come or not, and keeping them updated if this changes.
I tend to go with #2. This might be because I'm female, I don't know. There's a certain amount of emotional labor involved in this type of thing. The people I know who do #1 are nearly all male and seem to get away with it easier? At any rate, you have my sympathy because it sounds like you already see them quite a lot. And providing communication is of course no guarantee that they are not going to give you crap for bowing out, and ask you to defend your reasons. That's a whole other question.
posted by Knowyournuts at 9:01 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
I didn't actually tell them I was ever going
Yeah, these kinds of informal invites are harder to deal with. The assumption that you will be there is rude, but ignoring it is also rude. If you can't come to an event, you don't usually owe them an explanation beyond, "I can't make it." Giving a reason is often inviting people to argue with your reason. It's not their business if you have other fun plans, have to work, or just don't feel like it.
posted by soelo at 9:21 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Yeah, these kinds of informal invites are harder to deal with. The assumption that you will be there is rude, but ignoring it is also rude. If you can't come to an event, you don't usually owe them an explanation beyond, "I can't make it." Giving a reason is often inviting people to argue with your reason. It's not their business if you have other fun plans, have to work, or just don't feel like it.
posted by soelo at 9:21 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
The whole "assuming you're coming" thing might once again be MeFi's favorite bugbear, Guess Culture. The implicit question which they aren't actually asking is "Can you make it?" and, like so many aspects of Guess Culture, you're expected to infer and respond to this question even though it's never explicitly presented.
posted by jackbishop at 9:29 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by jackbishop at 9:29 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
As an adult, you are entitled to spend your time as you please but again, as an adult, you should be prepared to accept the consequences of the choices you make. Totally understand flaking on random “let’s all get dinner at this place” invitations (though it’s polite to say if you won’t be there so they don’t have the awkward moment with the hostess asking, “is your whole party here?” And they don’t know whether to expect you). Similarly, if it’s the day of nephew’s party and you don’t feel well, physically or mentally, and it would be a challenge to rally, it’s reasonable in my opinion to bow out (again, with apologies to the organizer). But skipping a kid’s birthday party for a date is a little rough, in my opinion. I have a 2 year-old and I’d be hurt if one of my siblings lived nearby and skipped her party for a date.
Something I decided a few years ago was that with certain stuff (again, birthdays, weddings, funerals, not casual dinners), if you can go, you should. Sometimes you can’t go because you’re already booked or it would be a huge pain or you’re sick. But otherwise, if you can go, you should. My dad isn’t the best parent. He doesn’t visit and he has anxiety around social situations and travel. And that has made it that much more meaningful when he flew in and out of my city for the days for my daughter’s baptism and my father in law’s funeral.
Also you don’t have to stay for long. If you can go early and help set up or just hang with the organizer for a few or come at the tail end, that all counts. I felt anxious about a friend’s party so my husband and I went late and found it was a rager. We stuck around and were the last people standing. We watched the sun come up on his porch with another friend, drinking beers and surveying the damage from the party. It was pretty rad.
Anyway. I get it. Anxiety is real. Family can be annoying. But they love you and want to see you.
posted by kat518 at 12:27 PM on June 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
Something I decided a few years ago was that with certain stuff (again, birthdays, weddings, funerals, not casual dinners), if you can go, you should. Sometimes you can’t go because you’re already booked or it would be a huge pain or you’re sick. But otherwise, if you can go, you should. My dad isn’t the best parent. He doesn’t visit and he has anxiety around social situations and travel. And that has made it that much more meaningful when he flew in and out of my city for the days for my daughter’s baptism and my father in law’s funeral.
Also you don’t have to stay for long. If you can go early and help set up or just hang with the organizer for a few or come at the tail end, that all counts. I felt anxious about a friend’s party so my husband and I went late and found it was a rager. We stuck around and were the last people standing. We watched the sun come up on his porch with another friend, drinking beers and surveying the damage from the party. It was pretty rad.
Anyway. I get it. Anxiety is real. Family can be annoying. But they love you and want to see you.
posted by kat518 at 12:27 PM on June 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
It’s not what you tell “them”, it’s what your NEPHEW thinks. He was probably spending the party wondering where you were.
posted by kestrel251 at 5:35 PM on June 11, 2018
posted by kestrel251 at 5:35 PM on June 11, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
But my family is quite close and I’m quite attached to my little niblings, this is not universal.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:31 PM on June 10, 2018 [10 favorites]