Help me figure out the reason for my boyfriend's lack of effort?
October 16, 2011 9:36 AM Subscribe
My boyfriend is not putting effort into our relationship to the same degree I am?
posted by Chelsaroo650 to human relations (21 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 months now and to be Frank, they've been some tough months. We both met in community college and live at home. He is 21, I am 19. Our first month he was enthusiastic about talking every night, took me out. Our dates were like once a week. The only thing I noticed was his lack of vocalizing emotion (had no idea if he was feeling anything for me before he asked me to be his girlfriend). He's always said "oh I'm just not a very open or vocal person." We did have a lot of fun on our dates and were compatible in a lot of ways. I could tell through his hesitancy to be physical he was very inexperienced with girls.
There were issues beneath the surface though. When I first met his father and step mom we got told to leave by 11. We would be out and by 9:30 he'd get a call saying where are you? Then he had a curfew three months in. He didn't really try to go against it either. A month later his gpa dropped so my phone number was blocked by his dad because we broke his rule of no texting after 10. When all this started happening his enthusiasm disappeared, we went from once a week to once every week and half seeing each other. He worked a lot and that was certainly part of it, but his dad didn't help. I still couldn't get him to talk much about it until probably the 6 month mark when I just had to confront him about some stuff.
When I was blocked, he'd call like every 2-3 days and that killed me with worry. He said he was just busy with schoolwork and I'm sure his dad didn't want him calling me. The reason I found out was because he had previously flunked out of a very exspensive college. His gpa dropped too low and he lost focus with the social atmosphere. He said he felt tremendously guilty about all of the money wasted. At the same time, he wasn't revealing any deeper feelings for me. So I asked him because I had hinted at loving him for a bit. He finally said he did. Yet I have literally heard it maybe 3 times since because he feels uncomfortable saying it. I guess that's ok, seeing as he told me he'd never told a girl first. I'm also his longest relationship. Although while this was happening he left his job because he hated it while I took on a job that worked me practically full time alongside school. His dad told him to stay with his mom temporarily. It was supposed to be a week because they just wanted to have his room for guests to sleep in. Then a week became 2, three and then his dad went on vacation without him. When they got back my bf had found a new job. He went over to see his dad. At first he said he could come back if he gave up his Xbox and computer. All he could have is a TV. During that time I was unblocked and we talked every night again. Things seemed to be okay until his phone was set to stop operating at 8, then extended to 9. His communication became sporadic again like when I was blocked. I struggled to try to keep up with him during the day through texts and he just seemed generally irritable because he'd be trying to do something when we talked during the day. It was hard because we were both busy when were still able to be in contact.
Eventually his dad told him he couldn't live with him ever, couldn't come over, etc. My boyfriend has made mistakes but nowhere near enough to be treated that way. I'll admit, it's so tough on me. I recognize I'm a tad codependent and practically torture myself over this when it is likely more a personal issue than him not wanting to be with me. Yet my own loneliness holds me back. I just moved here a year ago and have virtually no friends. If I had them, perhaps his issues would not effect me so deeply. I have been finding myself having to invite myself over to see him and although we have a good time always, the lack of initiation leaves me feeling like crap. He has been making much more of an initiative to talk every day but even though he knows I want him to invite me over, he's such a slug about it. If I say he's hurting me or he's not doing his part to keep me happy he says well I wish we had other things to do than sit on the couch. We've gone from real dates to the couch. Perhaps it's due to his guilt in having no money. Lately he spends his time at home studying or reading alone and I'm glad he's studying, just don't understand why he isn't desiring to see me. Although when I started working and he was alone and bored, by day 6 he's was saying wow I haven't seen you in awhile. He is a nerdy introvert and does appreciate his alone time, which does not bother me but once a week isn't cutting it for me. Said he couldn't wait to see me before his phone stopped working and he got kicked out. Now he's been weird. I told him I don't care if I am paying but you need to invite me over and see me or I will not continue to be happy with you. He tried for a week and sort of backpeddled. Every time we talk he says it's because I say can I come over before he does but then I say why so slow? I know I need to plan more fun dates probably but idk. Everyone tells me to go date someone else and that he's "relationship lazy" but I believe it is situational rather than intentional. We're both leaving the community college next year so I can see things being tough now but better later when we're independent. Is it a lost cause? Is he "just not that into me?" Thoughts? Sorry this is long...