I'm just feeling sad about the disintegration of a friendship
May 6, 2018 11:21 PM Subscribe
How do you "get over" the disintegration of a long-term (10 year) friendship? The friendship between me and my best friend (well, former best friend now) has completely disintegrated and we aren't talking anymore. I have been feeling so sad about the ending of our friendship and I don't really know what to "do" to get over it. Any suggestions?
My best friend and me had been friends for about 10 years. We met while we were both in college. After graduation she got accepted into a foreign masters program and has been in that country ever since, and recently completed her PhD. So... in a sense, we've mostly been "online" friends, now that I think about it. I'm sure this is a factor in our friendship ending. I guess we've just drifted into different lifestyles, she's a European academic and I'm... not? I'm currently working and getting my masters in a professional program (so, not really a "real" masters in an academically rigorous sense). Not sure how much these details matter, but anyway... when she'd visit her family in town we would always make time to spend together and it was like no time had passed, I've even been to visit her several times in her new country.
I think I missed a lot of signs that the friendship was slowly ending, which is probably also why I feel more sad than I should. Last year, my father died and I think this caused me to become the dreaded c-word: clingy. I guess I needed the support and contact of my friends more than, she wanted? I'm not sure. I assume I became annoying, but I think I was still being a good friend. I can tell there were a lot of signs that the friendship was fizzling out on her end, while I guess I just didn't really... notice it? In retrospect, yeah, she wasn't as interested in the friendship as I was and I feel very stupid for not seeing the signs earlier. For example, I was one of her few friends to attend a poorly attended PhD "celebration" party when she visited this past summer, but it was extremely difficult to make plans to actually hang out with her one-on-one this summer, when that was typically something very easy to do. She honestly seemed annoyed that I even wanted to hang out with her. I went to visit her over the summer (and I suspect she only agreed out of sympathy because of my dad's death) and it was, frankly, a horrible trip. Anyway, I shouldn't go into all those details, along the course of the last year-ish... she stopped telling me the details of her life, and rarely (if ever) asked me about the details of mine. I would ask her questions about her life, she'd answer and didn't reciprocate. She mostly just started to complain about her idiot boyfriend to me. We also began to mostly chat about an online blog we hated, which... is actually a really odd thing to dominate conversations?
We haven't chatted in a significant amount of time. She never replied to the last message I sent her and I'm reluctant to send her anything regarding the state of our friendship. I get the hint: it's over. Now I'm just left feeling sad, more than anything. She was my oldest friend and before our friendship, I never really had many friends. I was always so surprised that I was able to make such a good friend. I'm not the best at making friends and I don't have someone who is waiting in the wings as a "replacement" friend and I feel like there's just a hole. I know, I should go out and be more social and try to make new friends, but I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of making new friends and it takes me sooooooo long to make new friends. I worry that I'll never be able to make a "best" or "close" friend again. I honestly just feel sad. I haven't defriended her on social media, which... I dunno, should I do that? I keep seeing her posts and they make me sad, ugh, to know that she's likely ignoring me. I also feel "weird" for that feeling, because... she wasn't being a great friend (and neither was I) for the last few years!! So, why am I all sad about not being friends with someone who really wasn't a great friend anymore anyway?
I feel pathetic for feeling this way about a friendship ending. I actually mentioned it to my therapist and she focused a lot on just going out there and trying to meet new people, she actually encouraged me to reach out to my friend to ask about our friendship, but I don't know... Anyway, how the HELL do you get over a friendship ending? How do you feel less sad about this? Do you just get over it?
My best friend and me had been friends for about 10 years. We met while we were both in college. After graduation she got accepted into a foreign masters program and has been in that country ever since, and recently completed her PhD. So... in a sense, we've mostly been "online" friends, now that I think about it. I'm sure this is a factor in our friendship ending. I guess we've just drifted into different lifestyles, she's a European academic and I'm... not? I'm currently working and getting my masters in a professional program (so, not really a "real" masters in an academically rigorous sense). Not sure how much these details matter, but anyway... when she'd visit her family in town we would always make time to spend together and it was like no time had passed, I've even been to visit her several times in her new country.
I think I missed a lot of signs that the friendship was slowly ending, which is probably also why I feel more sad than I should. Last year, my father died and I think this caused me to become the dreaded c-word: clingy. I guess I needed the support and contact of my friends more than, she wanted? I'm not sure. I assume I became annoying, but I think I was still being a good friend. I can tell there were a lot of signs that the friendship was fizzling out on her end, while I guess I just didn't really... notice it? In retrospect, yeah, she wasn't as interested in the friendship as I was and I feel very stupid for not seeing the signs earlier. For example, I was one of her few friends to attend a poorly attended PhD "celebration" party when she visited this past summer, but it was extremely difficult to make plans to actually hang out with her one-on-one this summer, when that was typically something very easy to do. She honestly seemed annoyed that I even wanted to hang out with her. I went to visit her over the summer (and I suspect she only agreed out of sympathy because of my dad's death) and it was, frankly, a horrible trip. Anyway, I shouldn't go into all those details, along the course of the last year-ish... she stopped telling me the details of her life, and rarely (if ever) asked me about the details of mine. I would ask her questions about her life, she'd answer and didn't reciprocate. She mostly just started to complain about her idiot boyfriend to me. We also began to mostly chat about an online blog we hated, which... is actually a really odd thing to dominate conversations?
We haven't chatted in a significant amount of time. She never replied to the last message I sent her and I'm reluctant to send her anything regarding the state of our friendship. I get the hint: it's over. Now I'm just left feeling sad, more than anything. She was my oldest friend and before our friendship, I never really had many friends. I was always so surprised that I was able to make such a good friend. I'm not the best at making friends and I don't have someone who is waiting in the wings as a "replacement" friend and I feel like there's just a hole. I know, I should go out and be more social and try to make new friends, but I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of making new friends and it takes me sooooooo long to make new friends. I worry that I'll never be able to make a "best" or "close" friend again. I honestly just feel sad. I haven't defriended her on social media, which... I dunno, should I do that? I keep seeing her posts and they make me sad, ugh, to know that she's likely ignoring me. I also feel "weird" for that feeling, because... she wasn't being a great friend (and neither was I) for the last few years!! So, why am I all sad about not being friends with someone who really wasn't a great friend anymore anyway?
I feel pathetic for feeling this way about a friendship ending. I actually mentioned it to my therapist and she focused a lot on just going out there and trying to meet new people, she actually encouraged me to reach out to my friend to ask about our friendship, but I don't know... Anyway, how the HELL do you get over a friendship ending? How do you feel less sad about this? Do you just get over it?
how the HELL do you get over a friendship ending?
I never really did. I don't think a loss is something people "get over". I think loss is something that will always be a source of sadness whenever we think about it, but the way our brains work means that we end up building a kind of mental cyst over it that we eventually just become accustomed to living with and stop picking at.
How do you feel less sad about this?
I never really did. I don't think feeling less sad is possible. But it's been my experience that feeling sad less often is possible, as is feeling sad for less time at a stretch.
Do you just get over it?
What happened for me was that with the passing of time and the usual rush of things demanding my presence and focus, I found myself spending a little bit less time each year mourning the loss of my former friendship. It still hurts to contemplate, but the actual change from having that person as my friend to having them tell me they want nothing further to do with me is now so long ago that I have completely let go of any expectation that it might be in some way reversed; so the sadness runs its course for a while, and then it's "well, that's that." and it's on to the next thing that demands my attention.
I don't have someone who is waiting in the wings as a "replacement" friend
Good. That's healthy. If you did have somebody waiting in the wings as a replacement, that would be a clue that you view friendship as involving some kind of stack-ranking system, where people you know can achieve some kind of "promotion" as others occupying their current slot drop out.
You won't ever recreate what you had with your lost friend with anybody else, if for no other reason than that you have changed since the lost friendship was still a thing; there is no "replacing". But there are other friendships to be had with other friends, each of which will be unique and valuable in its own right.
I worry that I'll never be able to make a "best" or "close" friend again
Worries containing the words "always" or "never" usually have far less of a basis in reality than we generally ascribe to them.
Friendship is a lottery. We meet people, and some of them just click, and if we're really lucky we get to keep that feeling of connection for quite long periods.
This will undoubtedly be what underlies your therapist's point about going out there and trying to meet new people. The only way to win a lottery is to keep buying the tickets. And the best part about the friendship lottery is that the odds of having a big win are way, way better than they are for the scratch ticket kind.
So, why am I all sad about not being friends with someone who really wasn't a great friend anymore anyway?
Because even though it might be hard to put a finger on exactly when this friendship faded away, the simple fact remains that it used to be there but isn't any more, and that's a genuine and important loss, and you're completely legitimately grieving it. And anybody who tells you you're taking too long to get your grieving done, or in some other way doing your grieving wrong, can just fuck off.
Internet hugs, for what they're worth.
posted by flabdablet at 2:28 AM on May 7, 2018 [25 favorites]
I never really did. I don't think a loss is something people "get over". I think loss is something that will always be a source of sadness whenever we think about it, but the way our brains work means that we end up building a kind of mental cyst over it that we eventually just become accustomed to living with and stop picking at.
How do you feel less sad about this?
I never really did. I don't think feeling less sad is possible. But it's been my experience that feeling sad less often is possible, as is feeling sad for less time at a stretch.
Do you just get over it?
What happened for me was that with the passing of time and the usual rush of things demanding my presence and focus, I found myself spending a little bit less time each year mourning the loss of my former friendship. It still hurts to contemplate, but the actual change from having that person as my friend to having them tell me they want nothing further to do with me is now so long ago that I have completely let go of any expectation that it might be in some way reversed; so the sadness runs its course for a while, and then it's "well, that's that." and it's on to the next thing that demands my attention.
I don't have someone who is waiting in the wings as a "replacement" friend
Good. That's healthy. If you did have somebody waiting in the wings as a replacement, that would be a clue that you view friendship as involving some kind of stack-ranking system, where people you know can achieve some kind of "promotion" as others occupying their current slot drop out.
You won't ever recreate what you had with your lost friend with anybody else, if for no other reason than that you have changed since the lost friendship was still a thing; there is no "replacing". But there are other friendships to be had with other friends, each of which will be unique and valuable in its own right.
I worry that I'll never be able to make a "best" or "close" friend again
Worries containing the words "always" or "never" usually have far less of a basis in reality than we generally ascribe to them.
Friendship is a lottery. We meet people, and some of them just click, and if we're really lucky we get to keep that feeling of connection for quite long periods.
This will undoubtedly be what underlies your therapist's point about going out there and trying to meet new people. The only way to win a lottery is to keep buying the tickets. And the best part about the friendship lottery is that the odds of having a big win are way, way better than they are for the scratch ticket kind.
So, why am I all sad about not being friends with someone who really wasn't a great friend anymore anyway?
Because even though it might be hard to put a finger on exactly when this friendship faded away, the simple fact remains that it used to be there but isn't any more, and that's a genuine and important loss, and you're completely legitimately grieving it. And anybody who tells you you're taking too long to get your grieving done, or in some other way doing your grieving wrong, can just fuck off.
Internet hugs, for what they're worth.
posted by flabdablet at 2:28 AM on May 7, 2018 [25 favorites]
It's good to remember that everything has a life, and when the life of a relationship ends, it doesn't have to be anyone's fault, or a flaw in somebody, or a failure. It's not a judgment on you, or them, or anything else, and it may not necessarily be forever, and it may just mean the nature of the friendship has changed for a while.
I would focus not so much on mourning a loss, but rather celebrating a great friendship that lasted a very long time. I know that sounds trite but getting a bit "Circle of Life" about this stuff really helps. I've moved around an awful lot and subsequently a lot of friendships have shrunk or withered, but you know if they enter a lull of whatever, that's okay - I'll check in every now and then or at Christmas or whatever, and they sometimes pick back up when someone moves or their life circumstances change.
What you've experienced is a pretty common thing for anyone over thirty I reckon. It doesn't happen every day - and perhaps that's why sometimes it's a little ouchy - but it is an understandable thing that happens.
Don't be so hard on yourself, OP. And, if you're so inclined, put yourself out there and try making some new friends. Once people start having kids and spouses and careers and stuff, those super intense friendships of your twenties don't exist in the same way - but what's there can still be pretty darned good, I think.
posted by smoke at 2:46 AM on May 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
I would focus not so much on mourning a loss, but rather celebrating a great friendship that lasted a very long time. I know that sounds trite but getting a bit "Circle of Life" about this stuff really helps. I've moved around an awful lot and subsequently a lot of friendships have shrunk or withered, but you know if they enter a lull of whatever, that's okay - I'll check in every now and then or at Christmas or whatever, and they sometimes pick back up when someone moves or their life circumstances change.
What you've experienced is a pretty common thing for anyone over thirty I reckon. It doesn't happen every day - and perhaps that's why sometimes it's a little ouchy - but it is an understandable thing that happens.
Don't be so hard on yourself, OP. And, if you're so inclined, put yourself out there and try making some new friends. Once people start having kids and spouses and careers and stuff, those super intense friendships of your twenties don't exist in the same way - but what's there can still be pretty darned good, I think.
posted by smoke at 2:46 AM on May 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
I feel pathetic for feeling this way about a friendship ending.
It seems pretty normal to me.
posted by trig at 3:10 AM on May 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
It seems pretty normal to me.
posted by trig at 3:10 AM on May 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
Smoke has it. There are 2 problems here. 1) You've lost this long term friendship, because everything has a life, and this one is over. 2) You now don't have a close friendship that you want. You need to try making some new friends. I hope the best for you.
posted by Pig Tail Orchestra at 4:06 AM on May 7, 2018
posted by Pig Tail Orchestra at 4:06 AM on May 7, 2018
Friendships end, it hurts, you miss them, maybe you’re the one being dumped as a friend and that sucks even more.
The only way out is through the feelings, so indulge the feelings for a few days then move to lovingly validating them while flagging that thought feeling cycle and reminding the hurt, sad part of you that it’s time to move on. You may have to remind that part of yourself that it’s time to move on 11 thousand times and eventually it will hurt less and you will move on.
You sound a bit like me, I can’t make friends I don’t know how and even then it’s a crapshoot if I can do my part to maintain the friendship. On that front I have no idea what to say other than maybe maybe find something like local art classes or maybe a become a member of a rare-movie nonprofit group and go see all thier movies, or a join gym and go there every damn day and until you feel familiar there. Eventually something will spark up when you feel like a comfortable regular somewhere and you’ll find people you resonate with and maybe one of those people will become more than some random person you say hello to because you two recognize each other as “one of the regulars”.
HTH
posted by Annika Cicada at 4:07 AM on May 7, 2018
The only way out is through the feelings, so indulge the feelings for a few days then move to lovingly validating them while flagging that thought feeling cycle and reminding the hurt, sad part of you that it’s time to move on. You may have to remind that part of yourself that it’s time to move on 11 thousand times and eventually it will hurt less and you will move on.
You sound a bit like me, I can’t make friends I don’t know how and even then it’s a crapshoot if I can do my part to maintain the friendship. On that front I have no idea what to say other than maybe maybe find something like local art classes or maybe a become a member of a rare-movie nonprofit group and go see all thier movies, or a join gym and go there every damn day and until you feel familiar there. Eventually something will spark up when you feel like a comfortable regular somewhere and you’ll find people you resonate with and maybe one of those people will become more than some random person you say hello to because you two recognize each other as “one of the regulars”.
HTH
posted by Annika Cicada at 4:07 AM on May 7, 2018
How do you "get over" the disintegration of a long-term (10 year) friendship?
Prioritize self-respect. Your friend has clearly rejected you. Remove your friend from your social media accounts. Stop reaching out. Place the energy you are using to fan the dying embers of this friendship into building new ones. Take control of your own response to others' behavior. It's not the most, er, rosy/happy advice, but it is a better choice than brooding over bygones, or trying to revive a relationship that has clearly seen its day.
posted by Crystal Fox at 7:56 AM on May 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
Prioritize self-respect. Your friend has clearly rejected you. Remove your friend from your social media accounts. Stop reaching out. Place the energy you are using to fan the dying embers of this friendship into building new ones. Take control of your own response to others' behavior. It's not the most, er, rosy/happy advice, but it is a better choice than brooding over bygones, or trying to revive a relationship that has clearly seen its day.
posted by Crystal Fox at 7:56 AM on May 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
I was always so surprised that I was able to make such a good friend. I'm not the best at making friends
Actually, I think you demonstrate a lot of qualities and behaviors that would both make you a good friend and give you a solid foundation for making friends.
- You make an effort to communicate,
- You make an effort to communicate about meaningful things and open yourself up to vulnerability.
- You make an effort to make plans.
- You consider other people's point of view and feelings.
So one thing you can do to get over this loss is to put those great qualities to use making new friends. Yes, it can take more effort as an adult to make close friendships. Try not to put pressure on yourself, just involve yourself in activities that make you happy; go to lectures, volunteer with an organization you care about, find a cool meet-up in your neighborhood, invite some co-workers out for drinks. Once you click with someone, you can put your good friendship skills to work by making one-on-one plans with them.
posted by brookeb at 9:04 AM on May 7, 2018 [11 favorites]
Actually, I think you demonstrate a lot of qualities and behaviors that would both make you a good friend and give you a solid foundation for making friends.
- You make an effort to communicate,
- You make an effort to communicate about meaningful things and open yourself up to vulnerability.
- You make an effort to make plans.
- You consider other people's point of view and feelings.
So one thing you can do to get over this loss is to put those great qualities to use making new friends. Yes, it can take more effort as an adult to make close friendships. Try not to put pressure on yourself, just involve yourself in activities that make you happy; go to lectures, volunteer with an organization you care about, find a cool meet-up in your neighborhood, invite some co-workers out for drinks. Once you click with someone, you can put your good friendship skills to work by making one-on-one plans with them.
posted by brookeb at 9:04 AM on May 7, 2018 [11 favorites]
I'm not the best at making friends and I don't have someone who is waiting in the wings as a "replacement" friend and I feel like there's just a hole.
This sounds like her role was to be your friend, not that you both had common interests/perspectives/experiences/temperaments/etc. that reciprocal friends have. That in addition to the clinginess from not having other friends is a lot of pressure to put on a person, for not much in return.
I know, I should go out and be more social and try to make new friends, but I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of making new friends and it takes me sooooooo long to make new friends. I worry that I'll never be able to make a "best" or "close" friend again.
The thing about making friends is that you have to do it all the time. Even if you only really want one special friend, seek multiple less-burdensome social relationships. It is too much to ask of an adult who has a career/family/life to be your one person, aside from a partner.
And I think there is a loneliness pheromone that people give off when they are lonely and seeking someone to fill a social void. So here at the end of one friendship it is understandable that you are reluctant to cast about for another. Instead of seeking a friend, seek interesting things to do, and connect in a friendly manner with other people who do them and who appeal to you, with no expectations.
So, why am I all sad about not being friends with someone who really wasn't a great friend anymore anyway?
Because it puts you back at zero, friendship-wise, and that is a lonely place to be.
So the only thing to do is go out there and be a friend to people. Not "find a single friend to meet your needs" but "be a friendly person to the many people you encounter." Widen your social circle, find people you click with on one or two levels instead of looking for one person who meets all your needs. And then keep doing that even when you don't feel lonely.
posted by headnsouth at 1:14 PM on May 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
This sounds like her role was to be your friend, not that you both had common interests/perspectives/experiences/temperaments/etc. that reciprocal friends have. That in addition to the clinginess from not having other friends is a lot of pressure to put on a person, for not much in return.
I know, I should go out and be more social and try to make new friends, but I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of making new friends and it takes me sooooooo long to make new friends. I worry that I'll never be able to make a "best" or "close" friend again.
The thing about making friends is that you have to do it all the time. Even if you only really want one special friend, seek multiple less-burdensome social relationships. It is too much to ask of an adult who has a career/family/life to be your one person, aside from a partner.
And I think there is a loneliness pheromone that people give off when they are lonely and seeking someone to fill a social void. So here at the end of one friendship it is understandable that you are reluctant to cast about for another. Instead of seeking a friend, seek interesting things to do, and connect in a friendly manner with other people who do them and who appeal to you, with no expectations.
So, why am I all sad about not being friends with someone who really wasn't a great friend anymore anyway?
Because it puts you back at zero, friendship-wise, and that is a lonely place to be.
So the only thing to do is go out there and be a friend to people. Not "find a single friend to meet your needs" but "be a friendly person to the many people you encounter." Widen your social circle, find people you click with on one or two levels instead of looking for one person who meets all your needs. And then keep doing that even when you don't feel lonely.
posted by headnsouth at 1:14 PM on May 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
I lost a significant friend last year, and understand the grief it can cause. I'm sorry this happened to you, and wish you well.
Lots of good comments here so far, but I wanted to give you some resources for the how and doing the thing part of your question. The most frustrating thing about my experience was people telling me to "let it go" or "let Person go". But being unable to explain the how when I questioned them. I figured it out for myself eventually, but it was painful and hope this can help you.
This is what I did to start letting go:
1) Blocked and removed ex friend from social media, and any platforms we were connected on. It started out of anger but then I realized removing traces of them from my life was freeing energy for the both of us (at least I hope so, I have no idea on their end). It also removed the temptation for me to keep tabs on or ruminate about the loss.
2) I got a journal specifically for letters to this person that I would never send. I wrote many. Anytime I felt something, I would write them a letter explaining my feelings. Many were just filled with anger. But it got it out of my brain and heart and from exploding inside.
3) Box of stuff - I had a box of stuff and those letters from that person. When I felt ready a couple months ago I burnt it in my backyard. It felt good to release things. You will know when you are ready.
posted by snowysoul at 3:22 PM on May 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
Lots of good comments here so far, but I wanted to give you some resources for the how and doing the thing part of your question. The most frustrating thing about my experience was people telling me to "let it go" or "let Person go". But being unable to explain the how when I questioned them. I figured it out for myself eventually, but it was painful and hope this can help you.
This is what I did to start letting go:
1) Blocked and removed ex friend from social media, and any platforms we were connected on. It started out of anger but then I realized removing traces of them from my life was freeing energy for the both of us (at least I hope so, I have no idea on their end). It also removed the temptation for me to keep tabs on or ruminate about the loss.
2) I got a journal specifically for letters to this person that I would never send. I wrote many. Anytime I felt something, I would write them a letter explaining my feelings. Many were just filled with anger. But it got it out of my brain and heart and from exploding inside.
3) Box of stuff - I had a box of stuff and those letters from that person. When I felt ready a couple months ago I burnt it in my backyard. It felt good to release things. You will know when you are ready.
posted by snowysoul at 3:22 PM on May 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think one of the hardest and most valuable things to learn in life is how cyclical adult friendships can be. Adults' lives can get really complicated and diverge from each other. Sometimes friendships hold stead through that, sometimes they end - but I think what is more common is that that they wax and wane. Would you be interested in (and if so, would you be emotionally able) to treat this as a waning period in your friendship? What that would mean is that you would essentially put her on the back burner in your life - not make a lot of overtures, but also not rule out being close with her again in the future.
I think what makes this possible is recognizing that it's not personal. It sounds like she just wasn't able to be there for you in your time of need. I do not think you should blame yourself for this. It's not clingy to need support from a friend when you are in mourning. It's actually pretty shitty that she wasn't able to be there for you - but it's also not uncommon. If people have not gone through this themselves, it's really hard to know how to be there for someone going through such massive pain and loss.
On the other hand, it's totally fine to just not want to be friends with her at all, and I think in that case, it's ok to unfriend/unfollow her on social media. (BTW, in case you didn't know this, you can "unfollow" her on FB instead of unfriending her - that way you don't have to see her posts, but if you do mend fences later on, you can just low-key follow her again and she'll never know)
As for how to make friends - you've gotten good practical advice but I also want to make sure you know that you don't have some fundamental flaw that makes you unfriendable. It sounds like you think that might be the case, but it's not. Everyone can be a friend. Not everyone will be the life of the party, but that's fine. It sounds like you are really good at being a friend.
posted by lunasol at 3:47 PM on May 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think what makes this possible is recognizing that it's not personal. It sounds like she just wasn't able to be there for you in your time of need. I do not think you should blame yourself for this. It's not clingy to need support from a friend when you are in mourning. It's actually pretty shitty that she wasn't able to be there for you - but it's also not uncommon. If people have not gone through this themselves, it's really hard to know how to be there for someone going through such massive pain and loss.
On the other hand, it's totally fine to just not want to be friends with her at all, and I think in that case, it's ok to unfriend/unfollow her on social media. (BTW, in case you didn't know this, you can "unfollow" her on FB instead of unfriending her - that way you don't have to see her posts, but if you do mend fences later on, you can just low-key follow her again and she'll never know)
As for how to make friends - you've gotten good practical advice but I also want to make sure you know that you don't have some fundamental flaw that makes you unfriendable. It sounds like you think that might be the case, but it's not. Everyone can be a friend. Not everyone will be the life of the party, but that's fine. It sounds like you are really good at being a friend.
posted by lunasol at 3:47 PM on May 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
Umm. Intimate friendships are tidal, in the way intimate romantic relationships are tidal. (I've been married 15 years; ask me how I know...) If you're not willing to say "hey, I miss you. What'd you do this week?" then I think you have to question why you're so willing to assume rejection.
But I also want you to know that I get it. My best friend is an academic PhD who moved to a different country for a university lecture and research posting. Our friendship is online. And in the past few weeks, we've gone days without communicating where we used to chat several times a day, if not all day.
And I am sad and I miss her and I can feel abandoned and ridiculously hurt by an unanswered message. I'm 90% sure the tide will roll back in though. And if it doesn't, and this becomes a more occasional interaction, I love this person enough to adjust to this.
It's worth it to reach out and try.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:21 PM on May 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
But I also want you to know that I get it. My best friend is an academic PhD who moved to a different country for a university lecture and research posting. Our friendship is online. And in the past few weeks, we've gone days without communicating where we used to chat several times a day, if not all day.
And I am sad and I miss her and I can feel abandoned and ridiculously hurt by an unanswered message. I'm 90% sure the tide will roll back in though. And if it doesn't, and this becomes a more occasional interaction, I love this person enough to adjust to this.
It's worth it to reach out and try.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:21 PM on May 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
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posted by Kwadeng at 12:22 AM on May 7, 2018 [2 favorites]