Do guys generally tease the girl they like no matter the age?

April 23, 2018 5:15 PM

I have a friend at work that's constantly teasing me/picking on me like it's his second job with playful/back and forth banter. Should i take it to mean he's just being friendly without actually asking him or does he like me?

We've known each other maybe a little over a year, but we never talked until fairly recently. Now whenever he sees me he can't not pick on me; he's never been mean to me with it just fun banter. Anyway, i can't tell other than the people i've seen him around if he picks on them as well which so far depending on who it is he will but it's different than when me and him are picking on each other.

I also recently added him on fb and we've been talking from time to time, which that alone probably isn't anything to go on.

We were in the break room the other day and there were a lot of people in there and i don't think he feels comfortable talking to me unless it's just me and him; so he messages me on fb the entire time we're on break. Before he gets up to go back he sends me a picture of a friend of a friend of ours phone that she dropped and it just looked weird. Anyway, he walked by me stopped and basically leans over me and starts pointing things out from the picture. I don't feel like anyone else would have gotten that close inside my personal space just to tell me something about it.

He brings up us getting food and watching baseball together a lot and at first i thought he was just joking and making conversation, but no i don't know maybe he does want to hang out and spend time together.

I tend to be super oblivious with guys liking me; and this may just be me overthinking things like i tend to do sometimes. I just wanted to see what everyone else thought.

posted by earthquakeglue to Human Relations (24 answers total)

This absolutely sounds like he likes you.
posted by notorious medium at 5:17 PM on April 23, 2018 [12 favorites]

Sounds like he digs you. If you dig him back, ask him to pop out to lunch with you next time you go.
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:23 PM on April 23, 2018 [4 favorites]

Teasing can be a childish way to let someone know you like them; it can also be a really obnoxious assertion of dominance.

I would ask you this: do you like hanging out with someone who is always teasing you? If you do, great; ask him on a date. If you are not so into someone who gets your attention by making fun of you, then steer clear of this guy.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:24 PM on April 23, 2018 [40 favorites]

If the teasing crosses over into negging, run far far away. As long as it's good natured and you're interested, go for it.
posted by TheAdamist at 5:27 PM on April 23, 2018 [20 favorites]

He sounds immature and it is not romantic or appropriate that he doesn't speak to you in front of other people.

The only men I know who do this are misogynists and/or cheaters.
posted by jbenben at 5:28 PM on April 23, 2018 [31 favorites]

Yes, important provisos above. Your post made it sound as though you were cool with it and that it wasn't negging exactly, and not knowing your age group I merely assumed you were younger, and this "fun banter" is a typical kind of thing, in my experience. But absolutely, if you don't like it, or if any of it is red-flaggy, or if the teasing is or has been at any point cruel or mean, or if he can't handle it when you dish some back, or if you feel uncomfortable or squicky around him in any way, then leave it alone.

Not speaking to you in front of other people is not immediately problematic to my mind, as he may simply be uncomfortable speaking to anybody at all in front of anybody else. But if he chats easily with other colleagues and coworkers and not with you, then yeah, that's an issue.
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:34 PM on April 23, 2018 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: @ turbid dahlia : No, none of it is mean or cruel and he doesn't do it all the time he does talk and have normal conversations with me.

I think he might just be like me and be kind of quiet; and people we work with tend to talk and run their mouths so it might be for that reason. Any time he's been in the break room with other people he doesn't talk really.
posted by earthquakeglue at 5:49 PM on April 23, 2018

I definitely would not be interested in dating someone who teased me a lot! Even if it was “fun” back and forth teasing, it’s a very weird way of dialoging. Jokes are all about power, and they are always about power, even if people do not want to admit it. This goes double because you are coworkers, and I am assuming you are on the same level at work. What is he actually saying with these jokes? (That question is rhetorical, and is not about the literal content of the jokes.) They don’t have to be cruel to have a problematic message underlying them.

I am also assuming you are a woman. Women usually get the short end of the stick when they date coworkers, which I would encourage you to keep in mind.
posted by sockermom at 5:51 PM on April 23, 2018 [19 favorites]

So, looking at your post history, you're 30+? Is this guy around the same age? Because, yes, this is something that people sometimes do, but I'd call it a bit of a red flag that someone your age is. It's really a covert form of aggression arising out of the discomfort of wanting something from someone--a person in their thirties ought to have a bit more insight than that.

Not saying don't go for it, but proceed with caution.
posted by praemunire at 5:52 PM on April 23, 2018 [4 favorites]

I tease people I like!
posted by bluespark25 at 6:13 PM on April 23, 2018

If you like him, and feel that you can manage the drama that usually accompanies dating a co-worker, ask him out. Seriously, knowing what you want makes for successful dating. Don't spend any more time trying to solve for x, because that will make you more focused on his possible feelings for you (rather than the other way 'round) and automatically raises his value in your mind. See the Sunk Cost Fallacy.
posted by Iris Gambol at 6:19 PM on April 23, 2018 [6 favorites]

I’m 59 and I think teasing can be fun if it doesn’t cross over into meanness. If you were dating for a year and that was his only form of communication, that would be a problem. But this sounds fine. And yeah, he likes you. Dating a coworker, though, can be problematic so be careful .
posted by FencingGal at 6:24 PM on April 23, 2018 [10 favorites]

He brings up us getting food and watching baseball together a lot and at first i thought he was just joking and making conversation

In my experience, the only way this happens platonically is where you both are known by many to be baseball and/or food-getting nuts. Like talk out loud in groups at work type fans.
posted by rhizome at 6:30 PM on April 23, 2018

The only men I know who do this are misogynists and/or cheaters.

Or feel weird mixing personal and business?
posted by rhizome at 6:31 PM on April 23, 2018 [3 favorites]

ignore everyone telling you what to like and what to mind, it's fine to like being teased if you don't feel any meanness in it! it is also fine to be shy about talking to someone you like in front of other people if you think it'll be obvious to everybody else that you like her. shyness has absolutely nothing to do with being a creep.

but: if this is not the way you like to have a guy show that he likes you, you don't have to make yourself like it. if you want him to like you, don't therefore decide to enjoy being teased because of what you hope it means. like it or don't, on its own terms. don't talk yourself into it. you don't have to tolerate anything annoying just because he feels something.

he definitely does like you. but that doesn't mean he's in love with you or necessarily wants to date you. it might just mean he likes being around you and flirting with you and nothing more. If you like him, you can feel fine about showing it and feel safe asking him out, if you want. If you don't, it doesn't matter how nonthreatening he is, you don't have to put up with this if you don't like it. guys who like you don't get special rights to make you uncomfortable.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:15 PM on April 23, 2018 [22 favorites]

Most guys who mainly flirted with me by teasing ended up being assholes in the long run. Sometimes a little teasing here and there can be fun but it depends on how comfortable you are with that person, if they are able to handle being teased back, and the frequency.

I don't think it will hurt to go out with him sometime to see how it goes but definitely keep your eyes open. If he starts doing things like mocking your voice or making "jokes" about how much you are into him then I'd be very wary.
posted by blackzinfandel at 7:31 PM on April 23, 2018 [3 favorites]

Don't spend any more time trying to solve for x, because that will make you more focused on his possible feelings for you (rather than the other way 'round) and automatically raises his value in your mind.

This. I personally wouldn't date coworkers, but if you're cool with that aspect, and you like him, just proceed to ask him out. Don't worry if he likes you or not; that will give you an instant answer. From what you've said, he'll almost certainly go out with you. But don't waste any more time trying to suss out his secret motivations. Either get it out on the table or let it go.
posted by AFABulous at 7:34 PM on April 23, 2018 [3 favorites]

Yeah, sure, lots of people use teasing as a form of flirting. I would consider it a bit obnoxious and yellow flaggy but lots of people are fine with it so YMMV. But workplace flirting doesn't necessarily mean much other than it's nice to have someone at work to flirt with. If you like him, it sounds like you have an easy in, you can just ask if he really wants to get together next time he suggests it.
posted by windykites at 9:23 PM on April 23, 2018

I grew up in a teasy/sarcastic family and integrated a lot of negative talk about myself and my skills because of it - I also became teasy and sarcastic myself.

When I moved to the west coast 17 years ago I discovered a whole new world where people didn't put others down "as a joke." I learned to dial back the sarcasm and the mean jokes in order to fit in/not be shunned by others and it's been nothing but positive.

On some level - in the US at least - it's an east coast vs. west coast thing, but in real life if you're uncomfortable with the teasing or if it's affecting you negatively then take a step back from this guy.
posted by bendy at 10:09 PM on April 23, 2018 [9 favorites]

Upon your update, I was under the impression he talks to others and pretends he doesn't know you in front of them. I urge you to look carefully at this behavior of his and see if this is the case. The reason is he may be private AND maybe he has a girlfriend other people know about and you don't. I wish I could tell you this has not been my experience out in the world, but it is.

If he's quiet with everyone then... OK? IDK. The teasing thing in your 30's is still kind of immature. Someone made the point about joking being a form of dominance AND HOLY SHIT I DO THIS.

I don't make jokes to put others down, but I do make jokes to break tension and make people like me. I can't imagine making a joke at someone else's expense... Oh gosh, I hope I don't do that inadvertently or in other people's perception...

Do you like him for deeper reasons beyond the weird flirting? Have you ever seen him be kind when he thought no one was looking? Serious question.

I met my husband at work. There was this day in the beginning when no one else was around and I was feeling unwell but hiding it... He said, "I have this feeling I should stay with you today and help out. Do you want me to?"

I told him not to stay that day. I married him 2 months later after we started dating. That was 10 years ago. So that's my metric.
posted by jbenben at 11:31 PM on April 23, 2018 [2 favorites]

On some level - in the US at least - it's an east coast vs. west coast thing, but in real life if you're uncomfortable with the teasing or if it's affecting you negatively then take a step back from this guy.

Yes, teasing is very cultural; for example, cheery banter is often a basic unit of friendship in the UK and the person who doesn't get teased is the one no one likes. You know how appropriate it is in your environment and you have said that 'none of it is mean or cruel and he doesn't do it all the time', so that sounds fine.

He might not talk to you in front of others for a wide variety of reasons: infidelity, shyness, misogyny, fear of gossip. It's not so much a red flag, more something to file away that might make sense later once you know more about him.
posted by Busy Old Fool at 4:08 AM on April 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

Playful people don't play with people they don't like (except maybe a little initially to try and help them fit in.)

How much he likes you, I don't know.

If he has different way of being with you one-on-one, unless you are very young and he can legitimately be awkward, that's troubling.

If you are okay being responsible for all the stress and strain and scheduling conflicts of an office romance and you like him, ask him out. See what happens.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:31 AM on April 24, 2018

I kind of think the comments here are overreacting to the teasing.

As long as hes not being mean or picking on you or generally leaving you feeling bad, sone light teasing can just be another way of flirting. I'd judge his behavior by how he makes you feel. He could be an asshole but i dont think teasing is necessarily indicative of that.

If you like him, take him up on his offer and ask him to lunch.
posted by Amy93 at 10:19 AM on April 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

My team consists of 2 women and 4 men. The men consistently banter with anyone who will engage in it, to an extent that usually I enjoy but sometimes I find annoying. All of us are married and I have no doubt it is just a 'making work more fun/we're a fam' thing.

In my opinion the teasing doesn't necessarily mean he likes you but asking you to hang out sure does...

Edit: I agree with the above poster who says teasing is a cultural thing. I'm from NZ and here, like the UK, banter is a very common aspect of team dynamics. Many times if you AREN'T engaged in banter it says more about how someone feels about you than if you are.
posted by thereader at 5:14 PM on April 24, 2018