Where can I meet someone to text?
April 16, 2018 12:55 AM   Subscribe

I am newly single after 15 years with my soon to be ex husband. I don't want to date yet but I'd like to find someone (or ones!) who would like just to text and chat. Where should I look? By where I mean what app or website or something not in-person can I go to 'meet' someone? Is this unrealsitic?

My husband recently left our marriage and I'm doing okay but I miss male company. I'm totally not ready to date but a couple of men in my life, one from work and one who was a close friend years ago, suddenly started giving me a lot of attention. I like the attention. It's been a big help getting me through these early days after being left.

But these two men are not men I want to keep texting and spending time with. They're both lovely but broken. Work guy has a girlfriend and old friend has a wife and small child. Ugh. I didn't know work guy had a girlfriend until a couple months in. By then we were texting daily, for hours in the evenings, usually finishing up about midnight before seeing each other at work the next day. And guy with wife, because we'd been close friends previously, I thought he was just reconnecting and seeing how I was after hearing through mutual friends that my husband had left in a spectacular way. But no...both have made unambiguous declarations and that made me sad. I wish they were better men.

Since I already knew these men IRL, I didnt feel the pressure and anxiety I know I would if I had to go meet stranger. I'm just not ready, not even for coffee. But I've been really enjoying the texting and with work guy, I was enjoying the flirting. I was having frequent and often long text conversations with both men. I was getting compliments and good morning and good night messages. I liked getting to know work guy better; we've been sharing books and music and stuff like that. And with both men, I've loved talking about abstract stuff, like our futures and feelings about this and that. It's just really nice for me right now to feel attractive and desired and know someone is thinking of me.

So, I'd like to find men who might like to text and chat and flirt but without the expectation that texting will lead to anything. If I do happen to make a connection, I'm open to the possibility of more, but not now, not for a good long while, so I don't want that to be the primary expectation at the outset. And I want them to be single and not trying to fuck around behind their partner's back!!!

Am I being unrealistic? Are these men out there? If I make a profile on a dating app and say that I don't want to meet, will I only get men who want to send me dick pics?? Have you done this - either responded to someone who only wanted to text or initiated the request?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
Plenty of people on any kind of dating app/site (eg. Tinder) that will happily just chat and flirt etc. Just be up front when you start talking to them.
posted by ryanbryan at 1:44 AM on April 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

Yeah, you will not have trouble finding this on Tinder. Like, instantly.
posted by winterportage at 5:40 AM on April 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

I've met people who wanted to just message/text on OKCupid. Tinder's more popular these days and, while I can't promise that you won't run into some unsolicited pics, you can block those senders and focus on people who will just chat.
posted by bunderful at 6:00 AM on April 16, 2018

In my experience, the folks who only want to chat from dating sites are in relationships. Well, at least the ones who will provide the emotional support you seem to be looking for, rather than focusing on sexting. The biggest exceptions are men deployed in the military and men living in Asia, so you might want to focus there. It is worth looking but you’ll need to wade through a lot of people before finding one that is remaining single while texting someone without any relationship escalation.
posted by metasarah at 6:43 AM on April 16, 2018

Reddit is perfect for this. Try the r4r subreddit and r4r30plus. Most posts will be from guys, some looking for text buddies, and yes, some will be married too. You can make your own post and as a woman, you should get lots of interest. Kik seems to be the messaging app of choice for Reddit so you might want to consider downloading it. Hell, there's even r/kikpals.

Disclaimer: I've never tried those subs myself but have responded to posts on other subs for other stuff.
posted by foxjacket at 7:00 AM on April 16, 2018

Just be up front when you start talking to them.

This. Right at the start of your profile, so there are no confusion, and no-one's time is wasted*. Depending on where you are, you may want to search over a wider geographical area.

*You will still get complaints. The block button is your friend.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:02 AM on April 16, 2018

Tinder! When I was on it it seemed that all anyone wanted to do was text.
posted by thereader at 12:41 PM on April 16, 2018

Responding to: "am I being unrealistic?"

Maybe not - you can always find someone willing to do this. At the same time, you were definitely in emotional-affair territory with the first two men, and you were operating at a level of intimacy that was very much out of step with your actual, real-life relationship conditions. They may have constituted fantasy, training-wheels types of relationships, but they obviously did engage your feelings. There is a certain risk that engaging in long relationships of this kind will not help you get ready for whatever comes next in life, but become a refuge from it instead - a place where you build up idealized and unrealistic ideas about what a relationship life with a real person who's physically present and committed would be like, a place where you stop working on yourself and your relationship skills because you've got a dummy relationship right there in your text stream that's sorta-sorta not meeting your needs.

So I'm going to say that even if you do pursue having a romantic-texting-partner/faux-semi boyfriend, that you couple it with therapy and other work on yourself, so that you get to a point where you're no longer needing this external validation and sense of companionship - especially not with inappropriate partners such as people who are already in a committed relationship. And don't be surprised to find that that category includes a lot of the people online who would want to do this.
posted by Miko at 5:56 AM on April 17, 2018 [3 favorites]

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