RSVP reversal...

April 10, 2018 1:07 AM

I would like to know how you felt if someone RSVP'd yes to your wedding (or theoretically any large expensive reception with $ connected to a specific headcount) and then, close to the event, changed their RSVP to no.

The guest would have been flying in. They start feeling ill a few days before the flight and decide it's not a good idea (or just is starting to dread) making the trip. So they send their regrets. It's obviously too late to change the head count with the caterer. How would you/did you feel about this kind of thing?
Assume:
1. The guest is not deathly ill, but just feels they might be unwell enough to want to cancel a weekend trip
2. the guest is a not close in a daily sense but wanting to show up for a wedding to express their feelings of connection and support for the life event.

posted by velveeta underground to Human Relations (48 answers total)

Disappointed but not annoyed. This happened at our wedding, and to be honest there are so many people there and so much stuff to organise, a missing guest isn't really a big deal.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:15 AM on April 10, 2018 [33 favorites]

It really depends greatly on the context. How did they communicate this to you? How well do you know them? Did they understand the financial implication and offer to reimburse you in some way? Are they elderly, have children, a fear of flying? There's a massive difference between a close family friend saying "I am broken up about this and feel awful but I do not feel I can come to the wedding. I know these events are expensive so please let me try to help you cover the cost of my place" and an acquaintance saying "hi - not really up to this, sorry! catch you sometime".

It feels like you are more concerned about the monetary issue than the absence of this specific person at the wedding.
posted by giraffeneckbattle at 1:16 AM on April 10, 2018 [6 favorites]

I would feel good about it. I would have been unhappy if someone wasn’t feeling well at my wedding and was there being miserable instead of home in bed where they belong. Weddings are celebrations, not a census.
posted by bleep at 1:27 AM on April 10, 2018 [118 favorites]

I had someone not show up on the day, because they were ill, and I only found out about it from a facebook message the day after. To be totally honest, it barely registered that they weren't there at the time because, as EndsOfInvention says, there's just too much else going on and too many lovely people to see. Their very sweet and apologetic note wasn't even needed - I was just worried about them and hoped they were ok.

On the other side, another guest called me a week before to say they couldn't come, and was super blase about it. They also seemed to place the emphasis on how upset they thought I would be, rather than them being upset that they couldn't come, which grated. I got a lot less upset about it after that call, shall we say.

So basically, agreed that it is all about how you deliver this news. Don't make it a big drama, let them know you're sad to miss it and wish them all the best for the day, and contact them after to hear about how it went and try and see them when things have quietened down.
posted by greenish at 1:44 AM on April 10, 2018 [5 favorites]

I think the healthy attitude is to try to focus on the bigger picture of enjoying the upcoming wedding without being distracted by issues like this. That kind of detachment can be hard for an event that you have spent so much time (and cash) planning - but the alternative is to risk having the day marred by issues which are small in the scheme of things. If possible, try to delegate as many of the last minute worries to others - and that can include managing the RSVP list.

With regards to the RSVP reversal itself: prospective guests can face all kinds of issues when responding to an invite that you are unlikely to privy to - and which they may not want to share with you: Can they really afford to come? Do they have social anxiety about the event for some reason? Are they having some kind of problems with their intended +1; or another guest who will be there? Did they forget about some other important conflicting event? So perhaps they did fall ill - or whatever they are telling you - and perhaps that is just an excuse. Moreover, they might not have the cash to refund the costs they their absence will impose on you - or the empathy/knowledge to even register that their absence will incur costs to you.

Given all of this, the best solution, is to take a deep breath, tell them "sorry you can't make it" and then move on.
posted by rongorongo at 2:05 AM on April 10, 2018 [8 favorites]

I had this happen with two guests. One was my brother in law who took ill the day of. No biggie, my young niece took his spot. The other was my previous room mate and friend. She sent me an email the day of!! (very lucky I even read it) stating that she wasn't coming because she just never bothered getting around to booking the flight and now it was too late and too expensive. And yes, that's pretty much an exact quote.

Extra extra annoyance from me because this girl was a raw food vegan and I had sat down with the chef at the venue to ensure she had a special meal made for her that was to the same standards as everyone else. The chef took hours and several cracks at it to get it right (raw food movement was unheard of back then) just for her to pull the pin and leave me out of pocket with an annoyed chef to boot. Thanks! My ex friend said she'd contact me after the honeymoon. We never spoke again. I'm not at all upset about that.

So yeah, I guess it depends on the circumstances.
posted by Jubey at 3:01 AM on April 10, 2018 [15 favorites]

This happens at every wedding. It's just par for the budget.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:04 AM on April 10, 2018 [31 favorites]

I should add, on the day, I was pretty annoyed when I read the message but I had so much on I gave it two seconds of brain space and literally didn't think about it again for another few weeks (honeymoon ect) so it barely registered until my husband mentioned weeks after that he didn't see her there. So don't think this will ruin your day, it will be wonderful regardless.
posted by Jubey at 3:09 AM on April 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

If the person contacted me to talk about it and expressed somehow that they had been looking forward to coming and are sad to be missing it but [ aren't well or whatever ], I'd be really fine about it.

If they made it sound like they didn't particularly want to come in the first place and were just dredging for a suitably appropriate last minute excuse, then I'm not sure I'd be annoyed but I'd certainly downgrade my estimation of how good of a friend they were.
posted by quacks like a duck at 3:17 AM on April 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I would be concerned that I’d lost the correct perspective on the event: from thinking of guests as treasured people in my life who were taking the time to share a special day in it, to thinking of them as having a job to do (show up, be festive, hand over a gift of sufficient value) because I was paying for their dinner.
posted by lakeroon at 3:20 AM on April 10, 2018 [42 favorites]

Well, I certainly wouldn't want a sick person wandering around my wedding and reception sharing his or her germs with everyone else!
posted by mccxxiii at 3:30 AM on April 10, 2018 [24 favorites]

This is part and parcel to weddings (or any large, expensive event). If you still have people on your B list who’d be happy to get a last minute invite (I.e. coworkers, that person you didn’t give a +1 to because of the guest count)... this is the time to give them a buzz and let them know you just had a spot open up and while you know it’s last minute, you’d love if they could come!
posted by DoubleLune at 3:32 AM on April 10, 2018 [7 favorites]

It’s understandable to feel annoyed initially, but it would be petty and overreacting to hold a grudge, or think less of this person, or to let it mess with your day.

Unless this person is considerably wealthy and considerably impulsive, they definitely wanted to make the trip and feel bad about missing it, but consider it the wisest decision for their health and the health of your fellow guests.

(P.S. Anxiety severe enough to cancel a trip counts as a serious illness, too.)
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:33 AM on April 10, 2018 [14 favorites]

Very silly not to expect one or two guests at a minimum not to show - just part of the deal when inviting humans. How they convey the news tells you how things are likely to go with them in the future, so helpful information. Be gracious, regardless. Not worth taking the edge off the celebration.
posted by Gnella at 3:39 AM on April 10, 2018 [4 favorites]

I would feel sad that they were sick, but glad that they didn't feel obligated to come even though they were sick.

Is there some reason not included in the question why it would be inconvenient or frustrating that they couldn't come? It wouldn't really occur to me to be displeased about it.
posted by value of information at 3:45 AM on April 10, 2018 [6 favorites]

Any large event is going to have a couple flake-outs. This doesn't even sound like a particularly egregious one; if I were sick, I sure wouldn't want to fly across the country just so that I could be sick at someone's party. Sounds like a pretty legitimate excuse, unless you think they're like lying to you to save face or something—but who has time for such petty machinations when they're about to get married? Either way, it sounds like just the cost of doing business so to speak. Life is complicated and humans are flaky.

Be magnanimous. Forgive and move on.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:45 AM on April 10, 2018 [7 favorites]

Flights aren't cheap and are usually nonrefundable, it's possible they are out more money than you are for the caterer for the extra head count.
posted by TheAdamist at 4:02 AM on April 10, 2018 [27 favorites]

I get the impression from what you've written that you're annoyed because:
(a) they're not all that sick (not deathly ill)
(b) they canceled a few days before the flight, meaning that they could've waited to see if they'd get better before the flight rather than just bailing at the first sign of illness

I could see myself being annoyed by these factors too. However, people handle illness in all sorts of ways, especially where traveling is concerned. Some people would think nothing of flying while ill, while others would skip a flight if they had even just a cold. If this person doesn't travel often, it's even more likely they would feel nervous about being sick on a flight (or having to stay in a hotel rather than in their own home while sick, etc).

They also might've thought it better to cancel while it was still a few days ahead rather than waiting till the day of the flight to do so.

And, as others have said, it's entirely possible there's some other issue they'd rather not reveal to you, so they used an illness excuse instead.

If they seemed really flippant about canceling, yeah, that sucks. But if they seemed genuinely sorry to have to change their RSVP at the last second, I would try hard to let this go.
posted by sunflower16 at 4:28 AM on April 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

I have had a wedding where this happened ( a guest we were wavering about inviting in the first place) and have had to cancel on Monday before the Friday-Saturday events. In hindsight, I regret canceling. It was because my daughter's 6th grade basketball team made the playoffs and I wanted to be at the game (I was the coach. Never expected us to make the playoffs much less win more than a game or two.) I was planning on giving as a gift, a combination of a few items off their registry and some cash ($100) to enjoy and spend however they wanted. I had already sent the registry items. I ended up sending $300 cash hoping it would cover the setting expense.

I don't know if it was a direct factor, but my relationship with the couple changed after their wedding. Over the course of a year or two, I spoke with them less and less until we just exchanged Christmas cards. My parents know their parents and their parents claimed it was not a big deal.

I guess how to feel is subjective, but no matter how you do feel about it, don't let it ruin your day.
posted by AugustWest at 4:30 AM on April 10, 2018

I wouldn't want ill people at my wedding.
posted by grouse at 4:41 AM on April 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

Any chance you could switch the invite to someone else who would share your joy? I wouldn’t spend a lot of time on it, but young adults and some elders might enjoy participating.
posted by childofTethys at 4:45 AM on April 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

As an immunocompromised person, I’m glad that person is not on my flight or at a wedding I’m attending.

Your use of the phrase “not deathly ill” concerns me. How sick does your friend have to be to skip your party? I tend to use “not feeling well” for every level of illness because I don’t want to give possibly gross details.
posted by FencingGal at 5:17 AM on April 10, 2018 [21 favorites]

To expect every single person in a group of 50-300 to be able to accurately predict their health and lack of emergencies on a day months in the future is not realistic. At my wedding, and at a few weddings I can think of, at least one person has not been able to make it. It’s part of life. I also had someone attend my wedding with a medical problem that got more serious as the day progressed, and I would have preferred that they stayed home and comfortable and closer to medical care rather than clearly being miserable and requiring assistance from the few of us that were locals.

If you are the ill person, send your regrets. If you are the one celebrating, do not take another’s illness personally.
posted by tchemgrrl at 5:22 AM on April 10, 2018 [6 favorites]

Just send them a slightly more spectacular present than you had planned to and go to bed and have some cocoa or tea and watch netflix. If they get mad, oh well. But to answer the question as asked: if I lived somewhere crazypricey and was asking not-that-close friends of mine to pay for plane tickets to my crazypricey hometown and pay for lodging in my crazypricey hometown just to hang out with me and smile and clap and throw money and flowers and rice for three or four hours, I would be utterly unshocked if some of them did not show, and I would not hate them, especially if they weren't feeling well and were going to breathe on my probablycrazypricey cake.
posted by Don Pepino at 5:24 AM on April 10, 2018

If you're working with a wedding planner, they should have told you up-front that you always expect a last-minute cancellation or two. That's simply life. Frankly, you're lucky they even told you about cancelling. In this day and age, it's becoming increasingly rare that people respond to any RSVP, either yes or no.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:25 AM on April 10, 2018 [3 favorites]

I would feel, roughly in order of intensity:

1. Sorry that the person wasn't feeling well;
2. Grateful they weren't going to spread their germs to all my friends and family; and
3. Pleased that they gave me a few days' advance notice, even though I wouldn't be able to recoup catering costs.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 5:26 AM on April 10, 2018 [8 favorites]

Another immunocompromised person chiming in to say that I would be grateful and sorry they wouldn't be there. Weddings where this could be a factor of annoyance are very expensive, and the amount for one place setting is a fraction of a percent of the total budget. I would let it go. Is altering the friendship over something that couldn't be controlled worth the price of the meal? I'd hope not!
posted by sockermom at 5:26 AM on April 10, 2018 [5 favorites]

Immunolacking number 3 here. Be very, very glad you won't be sick on your honeymoon.
posted by Dashy at 5:31 AM on April 10, 2018 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I would hope that my friend feels better. It wouldn't occur to me to thinking about catering costs in relation, but since you brought it up, I would realize that I was going to spend the money for the caterer anyway and that I'm not "out" anything. It's not like I'm paying additional money for the uneaten meal. I would find it bizarre and slightly offputting if the canceling friend offered any sort of reimbursement. Weddings should not be business transactions.
posted by lazuli at 5:51 AM on April 10, 2018 [7 favorites]

I stand corrected, upon rereading (and upon viewing your question history!) it seems you're the guest, not the person-getting-married.
posted by sunflower16 at 6:01 AM on April 10, 2018

Several people (not sure I can even remember all of them) were unable to make our wedding at the last minute under similar circumstances. I hold no ill feelings.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:20 AM on April 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

I had a friend cancel at the last minute due to illness and ended up inviting a friend I ran into the day before the wedding who I had lost touch with but who used to be close to both of us. She was absolutely touched and one of my favorite guests at our wedding.

Send an apology and a nice gift. The inconvenience is minor, unavoidable, and in our case ended up working out for us really well.
posted by notorious medium at 6:27 AM on April 10, 2018

Life happens. People get sick without warning and need to change plans. People about to get married are stressed out and might not act as their best selves when hearing of a cancellation. The one extra meal a caterer had to prepare won't go to waste and paying for it shouldn't be breaking a budget. A little bit of empathy and forgiveness on both sides goes a long way.
posted by plastic_animals at 6:35 AM on April 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

Mrs Bastard was out of town a few weeks ago, leaving me solo to represent the Bastard family unit at the wedding of two friends dear to us both. I was sick, but just a little, and figured I could power through the thing. Turns out I was sicker than I realized. Things went...badly. I'll spare you the gruesome details. Don't go to a wedding sick. And do let it slide that your friend flaked, with warning, because they were sick.
posted by Cookiebastard at 6:58 AM on April 10, 2018 [3 favorites]

I get the impression that you are the guest considering not attending. My cousin canceled the day before my wedding, I was very hurt but at least he sent a gift that covered his plate and his guest’s so I didn’t have to pay for a no show. He also never directly communicated to me that he wasn’t coming, he told my other cousin who relayed the message to me. There are ways to do this that aren’t tacky - call (not text or FB message), sincerely express your regrets that you won’t be able to make it, send a check and a lovely card ASAP.
posted by tatiana wishbone at 7:20 AM on April 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

The last thing I would have wanted to do the day before the wedding is field phone calls from people who aren't even coming. Definitely agree that text and Facebook message are not ideal. Email is better and you can write a long sincere message about how sorry you are, and maybe even mention that you would normally call but you know that the soon-to-be-married folks are probably totally busy at the moment.

Then call them in a few weeks to chat.
posted by grouse at 7:26 AM on April 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

People get sick, and part of being sick means that they need to stay home and get better, and also wouldn't be in any condition to be around people anyway, no matter how "minor" an illness it is.

As the host I would feel bad for them, miss them, but then also realize that "oh well, this means everyone else can maybe get slightly bigger portions of food since it's all gonna be there anyway".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:47 AM on April 10, 2018

Weddings are just about the only form of festivity where the hosts are allowed to think in terms of a specific cost per guest and what they are owed in return. There must be a few weird circumstances that are exceptional, but as a general matter I find that point of view disgusting and contemptible. If there's an affront to the hosts in not coming, it lies in not taking seriously the honor of being invited to share a very important moment in their lives, not in what the cost per plate was. No one is owed a reimbursement. If the reason for not coming is something other than not taking seriously, etc., like illness, then it's not an affront.

(I'm thinking now of a wedding I missed right after college because I got the invitation late (having moved) and was too embarrassed, and a little depressed and overwhelmed by other things, to RSVP anyway, which clearly would have been fine. I still feel terrible about that--it was probably my peak social ineptness. And I should. But if I'd RSVPed and fallen ill...no shame.)

Unfortunately, couples, especially young couples, have often spent the weeks before in the process having their every whim catered to and their central importance to the universe affirmed, so you can't be sure that even otherwise reasonable people will share this perspective in the moment. Be prepared to be extra apologetic and generous if they are grumpy.
posted by praemunire at 7:52 AM on April 10, 2018 [12 favorites]

I went to a wedding where the bride and groom ended up miserably sick on their honeymoon because a guest came to their wedding sick. Not at all deathly ill, just a bad cold, but still not exactly the wedding gift you want to get.

To be honest I'd expect coming to a wedding sick would be a greater faux pas than sending regrets. Even aside from the people getting married and their guests, who obviously don't want to get sick, there are usually pregnant women, babies and elderly people at weddings, who are especially vulnerable.

Even if it's not contagious, I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to come to your wedding if it will make them miserable for any reason - a migraine or even something like a fresh breakup would be a completely fair reason to back out unless they're playing a critical role in the wedding party (and even then it could probably be worked around).

Do you want your friends to see your wedding as a celebration or an obligation?
posted by randomnity at 7:54 AM on April 10, 2018 [6 favorites]

Honestly, three different types of people no showed at my wedding. People who never RSVPed, people who RSVPed yes, then said no and called or sent a gift, And those who changed their RSVP at the last minute and sent neither card nor gift. We are no longer friends with that last group of people - not because they wound up costing us money, but because one of the most important events of our lives didn’t seem that important to them.

I had one friend with severe social anxiety show up only for the ceremony, stand at the back, take time to give me a hug, and then leave. To this day I have no idea if he gave me a gift or not, that wasn’t the point. I wasn’t upset about having to pay for his dinner that he didn’t eat. It’s not so much about the dinner, or the cost, so much as the lack of consideration that those things exist.

If you are that guest, I would make time for a call, and hand write a note of apology for not being able to make it after all and stick it in the mail. That note may or may not accompany a gift, which is preferred, but in no way required or desired to make up the cost of the meal. Its function is largely as a physical symbol of your expressed wishes for the couple’s success.
posted by corb at 7:54 AM on April 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

I'd feel fine? Shit happens, and honestly weddings are such big and busy days you probably wouldn't notice if half the people didn't show up. On a more specific, personal level, I'd probably be relieved at any number of minus'd guests, or outright cancellation of the ritual altogether.
posted by GoblinHoney at 8:44 AM on April 10, 2018

Flying with any sinus related issues, even a minor cold, can result in sometimes permanent damage to you eardrums or hearing. That’s more valuable than attending a wedding. I would not be annoyed in this instance for many reasons.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:51 AM on April 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

Are you the guest? If so, there's a wide range of possible reactions, some more reasonable than others. A lot of times it depends on context. Has the no-show flaked out often in the past and does that bother the other person? That kind of thing. You're not responsible for any of that, though, only for doing what seems best to you at the time. Doing what greenish described, and focusing on their reaction/expecting a certain reaction won't help. (There's a thing that goes on with etiquette questions where, "Is it OK to double dip chips?" becomes "How is it reasonable to react to people double-dipping chips?" Of course the answer to the second is, "It's silly to react at all," which is not the same as "I'm going to double-dip chips and anyone who doesn't like it is reacting wrong.")

If it's your wedding, and you are annoyed or your feelings are hurt, there is nothing the matter with that. Although unless there are other factors it does seem like one of those things that just happen.
posted by BibiRose at 10:06 AM on April 10, 2018

I just want to reiterate that your guest likely shelled out *far* more for a flight and all attendant expenses, as well as gift, than you paid for their meal at your reception. If you can't absorb a missing diner or two, your wedding budget and expecations are way off. Unless it's your MOH or officiant cancelling, let it go and hope that they feel better. Sheesh.
posted by TwoStride at 10:54 AM on April 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

I was at a wedding a couple days ago where, I learned at the reception, the bride and groom had invited a few people at a later date to make sure they had the minimum number of guests that the venue/caterer/etc. required for the wedding package. Or at least that was the impression I got from a guest sitting at our table, who was able to come but was unable to bring his plus one. So, since we didn't catch it in time, the caterers put an entree in the empty spot, but they offered to box it up if anyone wanted it for later. We declined, and I would guess someone else took them up on the offer or a hungry member of the staff ate it. The groom had no response when he heard there was no +1 other than "oh, that's too bad" because he had an entire room of a hundred people to greet.

The moral is that wedding planning varies, and it completely depends on your relationship with the bride and groom. If I were unable to make it I'd go no further than "I am sorry I'm unable to make it as I'm sick, I wish you all the best" and leave it at that. Send a card and/or gift.
posted by mikeh at 11:39 AM on April 10, 2018

This happened to me, and I barely noticed it because like so many others have noted, all of my favorite people were gathered in one room! And it wasn't my funeral! It stinks, but I get it. I have some pretty wicked anxiety and there's nothing quite like a large gathering to send it into high gear. I have missed many events, but honestly, I rarely RSVP in the affirmative for them. Illness can take a lot of forms and flying is exhausting even when you're feeling your best. Show your would-be guests some grace, and enjoy the day.
posted by heathergirl at 12:14 PM on April 10, 2018

From other context, it looks like you’re the guest. You’ve seen the extreme negative response that the person getting married would get if they held it against. If you are not up to making it to/throb the wedding, you’re not up for it. This doesn’t have to mean you don’t approve of the marriage. It just means you’re ill.

If you do happen to be the one getting married: I’m sorry you feel disappointed. You’ll get through the wedding.
posted by RainyJay at 4:23 PM on April 10, 2018

Here's the selfish angle, in case that helps reframe it in your mind: Do you *want* a sick person at your wedding? Would you want to risk catching whatever it is they have for your honeymoon? Or getting other guests sick? They're doing you a favor that is well worth the sunk cost in catering.
posted by Aleyn at 4:35 PM on April 10, 2018 [3 favorites]