How do I approach the family of a dead man, to film a documentary?
March 22, 2018 8:42 AM Subscribe
An inspirational campaigner over a niche topic has recently died. A lot about his life would make a fantastic documentary, and there is a lot of archival footage of him. How do I approach his family to say I'd like to make a documentary about his life? Is there a "too soon", and, if so, how would I find out when I can make the approach?
I met his wife once, and his dad once. I don't know the rest of his family at all. He had two kids. It has been something like 10 days since he died. I have worked with the campaigner and met/filmed him several times while he was alive. I would also like to interview the members of his family for the documentary.
Let me know if there are any other bits of info you'd need!
I met his wife once, and his dad once. I don't know the rest of his family at all. He had two kids. It has been something like 10 days since he died. I have worked with the campaigner and met/filmed him several times while he was alive. I would also like to interview the members of his family for the documentary.
Let me know if there are any other bits of info you'd need!
Well, ten days after his death is definitely too soon. So there's that.
Is there anyone outside of the immediate family who interacts with them often enough (and intimately enough) to get a sense of how the family is coping with their loss, but may not be grieving as deeply as the immediate family? If so, you could ask that third party every so often as to whether your request would be well-received.
If not, there's not going to be a way of "finding out when you can make the approach" without actually making the approach. Personally, I would probably wait at least a few months out of an abundance of respectful caution. When you do "make the approach", do so via e-mail or letter, so that the family can process their emotions about your request without feeling put on the spot. Be sure that your message acknowledges their loss and is respectful of their feelings.
posted by Johnny Assay at 9:27 AM on March 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Is there anyone outside of the immediate family who interacts with them often enough (and intimately enough) to get a sense of how the family is coping with their loss, but may not be grieving as deeply as the immediate family? If so, you could ask that third party every so often as to whether your request would be well-received.
If not, there's not going to be a way of "finding out when you can make the approach" without actually making the approach. Personally, I would probably wait at least a few months out of an abundance of respectful caution. When you do "make the approach", do so via e-mail or letter, so that the family can process their emotions about your request without feeling put on the spot. Be sure that your message acknowledges their loss and is respectful of their feelings.
posted by Johnny Assay at 9:27 AM on March 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi Roger, I have sent a condolence letter to his wife (as you say, not asking for anything), and created a long article about his life including some old videos I found about him, which I uploaded. Apparently the family has been comforted by the thousands of messages people have been writing online, of which mine was just one.
Hi Johnny, that's a good idea. Unfortunately, I don't know many in his wider circle other than other activists he worked with, and I'm not sure how close they are to his family. I've considered this kind of way of going about this, and it feels snoopy – trying to get info about them without approaching them directly.
posted by omnigut at 9:39 AM on March 22, 2018
Hi Johnny, that's a good idea. Unfortunately, I don't know many in his wider circle other than other activists he worked with, and I'm not sure how close they are to his family. I've considered this kind of way of going about this, and it feels snoopy – trying to get info about them without approaching them directly.
posted by omnigut at 9:39 AM on March 22, 2018
Depending on how prominent he was, there may be others, including the family members, who wish to do something along these lines.
If his family opens an estate with the local court, the attorney for the executor is probably the best first contact point. Some families do so quickly, some wait for months. Some do not need to, of course.
posted by megatherium at 9:39 AM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
If his family opens an estate with the local court, the attorney for the executor is probably the best first contact point. Some families do so quickly, some wait for months. Some do not need to, of course.
posted by megatherium at 9:39 AM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi Megatherium, thanks for the advice, but I doubt he'll have an executor. As I understand it he had no life savings.
posted by omnigut at 9:54 AM on March 22, 2018
posted by omnigut at 9:54 AM on March 22, 2018
For the record, even poor people need executors to properly and legally process their stuff when they die. It’s not just something that rich people do.
Of course not necessarily everyone does it properly and legally, and being of humble means increases the odds that the executor is close kin.
posted by SaltySalticid at 10:30 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Of course not necessarily everyone does it properly and legally, and being of humble means increases the odds that the executor is close kin.
posted by SaltySalticid at 10:30 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think any asking about this before a year has passed would most probably be too hurtful to his family right now.
What they would appeciate right now is a letter from you (with no mention or even a hint of your idea) telling about how much you cared/loved this person, and the way he changed your-life/the-world for the better.
posted by blueberry at 1:26 PM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
What they would appeciate right now is a letter from you (with no mention or even a hint of your idea) telling about how much you cared/loved this person, and the way he changed your-life/the-world for the better.
posted by blueberry at 1:26 PM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Is there a "too soon", and, if so, how would I find out when I can make the approach?
I've had parents whose lives were influential to others' pass away (where people contacted me with various desires of their own) and anything earlier than several months seemed, quite frankly, ghoulish. If you want to work on this on your own, that might be a great place to put your grief energy but I would definitely leave the family alone unless you know for a fact this is the type of thing they would want. And some of this depends on your profile, whether you are a hobbyist who just was inspired by this person and wants to do something, or if you're a filmmaker, who has made other existing films, who wants to do this.
posted by jessamyn at 1:57 PM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
I've had parents whose lives were influential to others' pass away (where people contacted me with various desires of their own) and anything earlier than several months seemed, quite frankly, ghoulish. If you want to work on this on your own, that might be a great place to put your grief energy but I would definitely leave the family alone unless you know for a fact this is the type of thing they would want. And some of this depends on your profile, whether you are a hobbyist who just was inspired by this person and wants to do something, or if you're a filmmaker, who has made other existing films, who wants to do this.
posted by jessamyn at 1:57 PM on March 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Whooft. I came into the thread thinking you were talking about a couple of years down the line for approaching them about a retrospective. I actually took a sharp intake of breath when I read the words ten days. Ten days? Nooooo.
posted by penguin pie at 4:39 PM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by penguin pie at 4:39 PM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Okay, thank you everyone! I've communicated with his wife, said nothing about this film, and will see, in another six months or so, whether this still feels like a good idea.
Thanks again for all your advice!
posted by omnigut at 8:25 AM on March 23, 2018
Thanks again for all your advice!
posted by omnigut at 8:25 AM on March 23, 2018
So... I think I'm the lone dissenter here. My mother died at the age of 75 after a short illness, and she was such a kind and good and loving person. If someone who knew her through her good works had come to me, saying, "I know your mother has just died, and now likely isn't the time to be considering such things but - as you know, I have had the great honor of working with her and as I result I have quite a bit of what could become documentary footage. Your mother meant a lot to a great number of people. If ever you think you might be interested in such a project, it would be my privilege to work on it," I would have been every grateful to have had an immediate focus for my grief and mourning - something positive that would further her good works and inspire others. I would have thrown myself into it. As it is, my father and I threw ourselves into various other things which we framed as "for Mum". We worked harder on them because we knew that she would have wanted us to, and that she would have been proud of us for doing so. I can't help but wonder if a project like this - if you intend it as potentially a project they could and would collaborate on and be deeply involved in - could give this family a similar sense of purpose at a time when that is greatly needed.
posted by pammeke at 9:27 AM on March 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by pammeke at 9:27 AM on March 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
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posted by roger ackroyd at 9:27 AM on March 22, 2018 [12 favorites]