Anxiety AFTER cancer diagnosis - helping my pops cope...
March 19, 2018 7:31 AM Subscribe
My dad has NEW symptoms AFTER a cancer diagnosis that seem more likely to be attributable to anxiety and / or depression than his disease. How can we, as his family and support system, help mitigate these symptoms so that his mental health doesn't get to a point where it affects his physical health and his future treatment efforts?
Hi, all. My dad, 62 year old former smoker who quit over a year ago, was diagnosed with what is likely non-small cell lung cancer about 2 weeks ago. We've been lucky in that his care has moved along at a quick pace and while we're still awaiting an "official" diagnosis, it's almost certain the 8 cm(!) mass in his lungs is malignant.
Initially, my parents went to the ER because dad has severe chest pain and trouble breathing. A CT showed the mass and he was discharged but went to the next day to a much better hospital ER. He was admitted based on the pain and very quickly had an MRI and PET scan. Both showed the cancer had not spread, amazingly. He has a pulmonary stress test today, an appointment with a surgeon Wednesday, and an appointment with his oncologist Thursday.
Dad is pretty damn healthy for a dude his age. He's a truck driver, which has kept him in good shape and active. He has no other health problems. His only symptoms were the two mentioned above. And dad's mental health has always been great -- he's never been depressed and has this sort of amazing "fuck it" attitude. Things go wrong but he processes it and 30 minutes he's moved on. His mantra is, as best as I can describe it, it is what it is. He's never dealt with anxiety.
That said, for the past two days he's been incredibly down. This seems totally normal to us, the family, but for dad, it's totally abnormal and freaking him out which I worry is going to effect his reaction to whatever treatment is decided upon. He has no coping skills to manage depression or anxiety because those just aren't things he's ever known so when he gets fatigued and needs a nap, he automatically attributes this to the mass in his lungs as opposed to anxiety or panic. He's spent the past two days vomiting though it's just fluid because he's spent the past two days not eating. He was up all last night, unable to sleep and stressed to the max. I think these symptoms are just making this all worse -- he gets anxious, attributes it to his imminent death from this mass, worries about my mom and us kids, then gets sick, throws up, cries, can't sleep, and then assumes all those things too mean there's just no hope. I realize that this absolutely might be symptoms of his disease but it seems more likely to me, given the sudden onset, that these symptoms are likely rooted in new anxiety, fear, and sadness. His doctors warned this might happen as well.
I'm not a doctor (and neither are you, I know) but I'm looking for advice on how to help dad cope with the anxiety and potential depression so that it doesn't get to a point where his mental health effects his physical health negatively. I'm a researcher and I've kept my parents very informed of what everything they've been told means which has helped, I think, but how do I help my pops deal with the sometimes touchy-feely emotional aspect of this? I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and depression (which is well treated) and he knows this but I don't think he's ever really understood what it means and I don't necessarily think relating this back to me will help him be a little calmer anyway.
Dad doesn't read much or listen to podcasts or anything like that so books and the like probably wouldn't work. Obviously my folks will address this with a doctor but can you offer him (and me) your thoughts on this?
How do I help my dad, who is completely unable to recognize or cope with anxiety and depression, mitigate the effects of such after a cancer diagnosis? Is there anything I can recommend to him that would help him sleep or gain a little appetite back (if, in fact, these symptoms are not related to the cancer)? How can I best encourage him to take the meds he's been given even though he's very pill averse (lorazepam for anxiety, hydrocodone for pain)? Or should I just leave the man alone and let him figure this out on his own?
(Couple things maybe I should add, though I don't know that it's relevant: I'm observing normal boundaries and not forcing information on my dad when he's not interested -- I tend to do this because I'm such a researcher and understanding EVERY GODDAMN BIT of something helps me cope but I recognize this is his disease and process and I'm doing my best not to infringe upon that. It's likely this is Stage IIB or IIIA but since it's not metastasized it won't be Stage IV so this isn't the worst prognosis. Both the surgeon and oncologist are shooting for a resection / surgery which was initially what my dad very much wanted but as of today, he's become incredibly freaked out by the thought of any surgery at all. He was super optimistic just a couple days ago about his treatment and fight against this but in just a couple days, seems to have lost that optimism.)
Hi, all. My dad, 62 year old former smoker who quit over a year ago, was diagnosed with what is likely non-small cell lung cancer about 2 weeks ago. We've been lucky in that his care has moved along at a quick pace and while we're still awaiting an "official" diagnosis, it's almost certain the 8 cm(!) mass in his lungs is malignant.
Initially, my parents went to the ER because dad has severe chest pain and trouble breathing. A CT showed the mass and he was discharged but went to the next day to a much better hospital ER. He was admitted based on the pain and very quickly had an MRI and PET scan. Both showed the cancer had not spread, amazingly. He has a pulmonary stress test today, an appointment with a surgeon Wednesday, and an appointment with his oncologist Thursday.
Dad is pretty damn healthy for a dude his age. He's a truck driver, which has kept him in good shape and active. He has no other health problems. His only symptoms were the two mentioned above. And dad's mental health has always been great -- he's never been depressed and has this sort of amazing "fuck it" attitude. Things go wrong but he processes it and 30 minutes he's moved on. His mantra is, as best as I can describe it, it is what it is. He's never dealt with anxiety.
That said, for the past two days he's been incredibly down. This seems totally normal to us, the family, but for dad, it's totally abnormal and freaking him out which I worry is going to effect his reaction to whatever treatment is decided upon. He has no coping skills to manage depression or anxiety because those just aren't things he's ever known so when he gets fatigued and needs a nap, he automatically attributes this to the mass in his lungs as opposed to anxiety or panic. He's spent the past two days vomiting though it's just fluid because he's spent the past two days not eating. He was up all last night, unable to sleep and stressed to the max. I think these symptoms are just making this all worse -- he gets anxious, attributes it to his imminent death from this mass, worries about my mom and us kids, then gets sick, throws up, cries, can't sleep, and then assumes all those things too mean there's just no hope. I realize that this absolutely might be symptoms of his disease but it seems more likely to me, given the sudden onset, that these symptoms are likely rooted in new anxiety, fear, and sadness. His doctors warned this might happen as well.
I'm not a doctor (and neither are you, I know) but I'm looking for advice on how to help dad cope with the anxiety and potential depression so that it doesn't get to a point where his mental health effects his physical health negatively. I'm a researcher and I've kept my parents very informed of what everything they've been told means which has helped, I think, but how do I help my pops deal with the sometimes touchy-feely emotional aspect of this? I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and depression (which is well treated) and he knows this but I don't think he's ever really understood what it means and I don't necessarily think relating this back to me will help him be a little calmer anyway.
Dad doesn't read much or listen to podcasts or anything like that so books and the like probably wouldn't work. Obviously my folks will address this with a doctor but can you offer him (and me) your thoughts on this?
How do I help my dad, who is completely unable to recognize or cope with anxiety and depression, mitigate the effects of such after a cancer diagnosis? Is there anything I can recommend to him that would help him sleep or gain a little appetite back (if, in fact, these symptoms are not related to the cancer)? How can I best encourage him to take the meds he's been given even though he's very pill averse (lorazepam for anxiety, hydrocodone for pain)? Or should I just leave the man alone and let him figure this out on his own?
(Couple things maybe I should add, though I don't know that it's relevant: I'm observing normal boundaries and not forcing information on my dad when he's not interested -- I tend to do this because I'm such a researcher and understanding EVERY GODDAMN BIT of something helps me cope but I recognize this is his disease and process and I'm doing my best not to infringe upon that. It's likely this is Stage IIB or IIIA but since it's not metastasized it won't be Stage IV so this isn't the worst prognosis. Both the surgeon and oncologist are shooting for a resection / surgery which was initially what my dad very much wanted but as of today, he's become incredibly freaked out by the thought of any surgery at all. He was super optimistic just a couple days ago about his treatment and fight against this but in just a couple days, seems to have lost that optimism.)
This is an incredibly difficult situation, and I'm sorry you're having to go through it.
At the moment, I'd be inclined to avoid framing what your father is experiencing in terms of anxiety and depression, although you are of course correct that his emotional state could result in those illnesses. At the moment, it seems like what he is experiencing is being frightened and unhappy. Given the terrible thing he is currently going through, those are entirely reasonable responses.
That said, you're right that him attributing his emotional response directly to his physical condition is unhelpful. But for some people, particularly men, admitting that they are so scared and unhappy that they can't eat or sleep is very hard.
I suppose that the advice I'd give is that, instead of framing his situation to him in relation to another illness, which is likely to make him feel even more helpless (if he believes you), I'd be looking for ways to show him that it's entirely reasonable, right now, for him to be unable to cope. If you can offer conversations and perspectives that let him see both that he's having symptoms due to his emotions, and also that this is a normal and healthy response to an appalling challenge, rather than a sign of disease or weakness, it might help him to get a handle on this. It's hard to know what to suggest, without knowing him, but it seems like showing him that you're OK with him being in a dark place right now, and that you're confident in his ability to get past it, might help.
Having said all this, cancer can, sometimes, do immense damage to mental health, including presenting a risk of PTSD, and, particularly in the interests of avoiding those possible longterm consequences, it may well be a good idea for him to consider appropriate medication to avoid the cycle you're worried about. Given that he seems to be exhibiting strong physical symptoms of anxiety, but is reluctant to "pop pills", he might prefer to take a beta blocker, rather than the benzodiazepine he has been prescribed. The advantage is that a beta blocker could reduce some of the stomach churning, heart pounding etc, without giving him a sense of being "drugged". It's just a suggestion, in case he's more open to that than the medication he's currently prescribed. Also there may be reasons to do with his condition and treatment that narrow the range of medicines he can take.
Try not too worry too much about his physical health being impacted by his mental health right now. He's getting good care, and, he's got his overall good health to see him through right now. Remember that you have to look after your own health and wellbeing through this process, too, both for yourself and for your family.
Good luck.
posted by howfar at 8:12 AM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
At the moment, I'd be inclined to avoid framing what your father is experiencing in terms of anxiety and depression, although you are of course correct that his emotional state could result in those illnesses. At the moment, it seems like what he is experiencing is being frightened and unhappy. Given the terrible thing he is currently going through, those are entirely reasonable responses.
That said, you're right that him attributing his emotional response directly to his physical condition is unhelpful. But for some people, particularly men, admitting that they are so scared and unhappy that they can't eat or sleep is very hard.
I suppose that the advice I'd give is that, instead of framing his situation to him in relation to another illness, which is likely to make him feel even more helpless (if he believes you), I'd be looking for ways to show him that it's entirely reasonable, right now, for him to be unable to cope. If you can offer conversations and perspectives that let him see both that he's having symptoms due to his emotions, and also that this is a normal and healthy response to an appalling challenge, rather than a sign of disease or weakness, it might help him to get a handle on this. It's hard to know what to suggest, without knowing him, but it seems like showing him that you're OK with him being in a dark place right now, and that you're confident in his ability to get past it, might help.
Having said all this, cancer can, sometimes, do immense damage to mental health, including presenting a risk of PTSD, and, particularly in the interests of avoiding those possible longterm consequences, it may well be a good idea for him to consider appropriate medication to avoid the cycle you're worried about. Given that he seems to be exhibiting strong physical symptoms of anxiety, but is reluctant to "pop pills", he might prefer to take a beta blocker, rather than the benzodiazepine he has been prescribed. The advantage is that a beta blocker could reduce some of the stomach churning, heart pounding etc, without giving him a sense of being "drugged". It's just a suggestion, in case he's more open to that than the medication he's currently prescribed. Also there may be reasons to do with his condition and treatment that narrow the range of medicines he can take.
Try not too worry too much about his physical health being impacted by his mental health right now. He's getting good care, and, he's got his overall good health to see him through right now. Remember that you have to look after your own health and wellbeing through this process, too, both for yourself and for your family.
Good luck.
posted by howfar at 8:12 AM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
I’m a cancer patient. It’s hard to express how a cancer diagnosis affects people emotionally. It took two months for me to get to the point where I wasn’t thinking about having cancer literally every waking moment. Over time, having cancer starts to seem more normal. You are still very early in the process. I know it’s hard to watch your dad suffer like this, but don’t feel like it has to be fixed right this minute for his treatment to help.
If your dad is being treated at a cancer center, there should be resources to help with this aspect of his disease. So I would suggest looking into this. Even though my kids are adults, I still want to protect them as much as I can. If he’s willing to consider it, talking to someone he doesn’t have that kind of relationship with and doesn’t feel he has to take care of can be helpful. I don’t know how I’d deal with this without my therapist. If he’s not willing to talk to someone, there are almost certainly resources to help you help him.
Good luck.
posted by FencingGal at 8:14 AM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
If your dad is being treated at a cancer center, there should be resources to help with this aspect of his disease. So I would suggest looking into this. Even though my kids are adults, I still want to protect them as much as I can. If he’s willing to consider it, talking to someone he doesn’t have that kind of relationship with and doesn’t feel he has to take care of can be helpful. I don’t know how I’d deal with this without my therapist. If he’s not willing to talk to someone, there are almost certainly resources to help you help him.
Good luck.
posted by FencingGal at 8:14 AM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Let his oncologist know pronto. It's not quite standard YET to immediately begin treating diagnosis trauma but usually they will ask/nudge within a few weeks. This is totally expected - for him. Let your own doctors know this has happened as well, so you get the support you need too. Tell your mom to do the same. Help model the complete normality of getting this taken care of.
Don't worry about the research and backup data and all that. Being diagnosed with cancer is trauma, treating that trauma is almost always part of the protocol or will be if you ask, and if the rest of you treat this as just part of the process he probably won't question it the way he would if you make a huge deal about it. He may have a few rough weeks and it may be difficult to watch; probably the best thing you can do is gently help supply him with vocabulary for talking about anxiety, insomnia, appetite, rating his discomfort, talk about taking notes about his side effects and food/water intake for future reference, other things that will make him a better participant in his overall treatment and also allow him to better ask for specific assistance when he needs it.
As far as the pill aversion, you're just going to need to point out the obvious: this isn't the time for it. There's going to be pills, probably a lot, you need to take them. One more Wellbutrin or whatever in the big old pill case is barely going to stand out.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:18 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Don't worry about the research and backup data and all that. Being diagnosed with cancer is trauma, treating that trauma is almost always part of the protocol or will be if you ask, and if the rest of you treat this as just part of the process he probably won't question it the way he would if you make a huge deal about it. He may have a few rough weeks and it may be difficult to watch; probably the best thing you can do is gently help supply him with vocabulary for talking about anxiety, insomnia, appetite, rating his discomfort, talk about taking notes about his side effects and food/water intake for future reference, other things that will make him a better participant in his overall treatment and also allow him to better ask for specific assistance when he needs it.
As far as the pill aversion, you're just going to need to point out the obvious: this isn't the time for it. There's going to be pills, probably a lot, you need to take them. One more Wellbutrin or whatever in the big old pill case is barely going to stand out.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:18 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
You can't help him avoid being anxious and depressed right now. He's going to be anxious and depressed for a long time. If this feeling is unfamiliar to him it won't be for long - and in a way, it becomes a little easier to bear as you go along and get used to what anxiety feels like. I had a treatable, potentially curable cancer diagnosis three years ago and it took over 2 years for me to get anywhere close to feeling like myself again. Talking about statistics ("not the worst prognosis") with a cancer patient is not helpful - you can't rationalize him out of this and trying will probably make things worse. His sense of mortality has been thrown into a tailspin and in some ways it will never recover. This is the reality of hearing someone say you have cancer. I had Stage I breast cancer - so not a big deal, right? 98% survival! - except I know people in the 2% who have had their cancer come back and kill them. Statistics don't help, not when you're an individual with cancer in your body.
This is the worst time - before you have a definitive diagnosis, waiting to find out what's going on and what's going to happen to you. It will get better from here - but it still won't be great. I'm a person who never had a speck of anxiety in my life and I now have a permanent Xanax prescription. The best thing you can do is encourage him to take his medicine. Anti-anxiety meds are just like chemotherapy: it's medicine he needs to get through this time. The vast majority of cancer patients I know have an anti-anxiety prescription. Sometimes having the bottle in your pocket helps as much as actually taking it - just knowing it's there as an option.
Beyond that, the only real thing you can do is be around - not just now, but in two weeks or two months when you're all used to this new normal and feel like it's OK to return to your normal life routine. Make food, watch TV, drive him to appointments, whatever you see that seems helpful without being overbearing. Don't ask "what do you need?" because it's too confusing and overwhelming to figure out what you need. Just do the dishes, take out the trash, etc. without asking. Get him hooked on binge-watching Arrested Development - distraction is more effective in this time of crisis than trying to process the shock and fear.
This isn't something you can fix for him. It's a shit time. He's just got to get through the minutes.
posted by something something at 8:52 AM on March 19, 2018
This is the worst time - before you have a definitive diagnosis, waiting to find out what's going on and what's going to happen to you. It will get better from here - but it still won't be great. I'm a person who never had a speck of anxiety in my life and I now have a permanent Xanax prescription. The best thing you can do is encourage him to take his medicine. Anti-anxiety meds are just like chemotherapy: it's medicine he needs to get through this time. The vast majority of cancer patients I know have an anti-anxiety prescription. Sometimes having the bottle in your pocket helps as much as actually taking it - just knowing it's there as an option.
Beyond that, the only real thing you can do is be around - not just now, but in two weeks or two months when you're all used to this new normal and feel like it's OK to return to your normal life routine. Make food, watch TV, drive him to appointments, whatever you see that seems helpful without being overbearing. Don't ask "what do you need?" because it's too confusing and overwhelming to figure out what you need. Just do the dishes, take out the trash, etc. without asking. Get him hooked on binge-watching Arrested Development - distraction is more effective in this time of crisis than trying to process the shock and fear.
This isn't something you can fix for him. It's a shit time. He's just got to get through the minutes.
posted by something something at 8:52 AM on March 19, 2018
I have also had cancer and the full chemobeamo treatment as well as surgery, and lemme tell ya, if there ever is a moment in life when it's wholly appropriate to feel depressed and anxious, this is it. So first, I'd give him a little time - not a month, but a few more days to see if he comes around a bit or not. It's a huge, frightening shock.
That said, he should be able to talk to a social worker (which the cancer center hopefully will arrange), and someone there should also assess his daily stressors and help him come up with a plan to manage. He might opt for medications and/or therapy, or he might not; there isn't one right answer unfortunately. I agree that if you can convince him to get a prescription, just having it might improve his comfort even if he never utilizes it.
Keep the lines of communication open, but respect that he might not want to do a big emotional outpouring, either. It's hard. Support him where you can, help with obvious tasks like something something said. I do think asking about others is good, but finding places you can help even if he declines is important. Respect his limits, too - these are his decisions to make. You can offer alternatives, but you shouldn't be forcing him into things he doesn't want, either.
I'm so sorry. Just all of you keep doing the best you can.
posted by OneSmartMonkey at 9:20 AM on March 19, 2018
That said, he should be able to talk to a social worker (which the cancer center hopefully will arrange), and someone there should also assess his daily stressors and help him come up with a plan to manage. He might opt for medications and/or therapy, or he might not; there isn't one right answer unfortunately. I agree that if you can convince him to get a prescription, just having it might improve his comfort even if he never utilizes it.
Keep the lines of communication open, but respect that he might not want to do a big emotional outpouring, either. It's hard. Support him where you can, help with obvious tasks like something something said. I do think asking about others is good, but finding places you can help even if he declines is important. Respect his limits, too - these are his decisions to make. You can offer alternatives, but you shouldn't be forcing him into things he doesn't want, either.
I'm so sorry. Just all of you keep doing the best you can.
posted by OneSmartMonkey at 9:20 AM on March 19, 2018
My mom had terrible depression when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, which is very difficult to treat to remission. She very nearly refused intervention at all, but her wise oncologist pressed her to take antidepressants, and she experienced a real lift in her "doomsday" mood. She realized she had been so depressed that she couldn't fathom a future that had any positive elements, but after a few weeks of antidepressants, she went on to have surgery and chemotherapy, and did in fact experience a remission that lasted longer than 5 years. Her doctor called her the poster woman of her practice because of her durable remission. She died several years after that from a non-cancer cause.
Your dad may be experiencing this tsunami of emotions, too. He is probably experiencing tremendous guilt for continuing to smoke for many years. Lung cancer was until recently a near-death sentence, but I want you to know that there have been enormous strides in treating lung cancer. Please make certain your dad is treated at a comprehensive cancer center, where the latest treatments are used, and where he will have access to clinical trials if the approved treatments are not successful. The oncologists at these centers are usually very aggressive and willing to shoot for the moon. Comprehensive cancer centers also have the best infrastructure, with patient navigators, social workers for patient and family support, and every sort of family support you can think of.
Good luck and best wishes for you and your family on this journey.
posted by citygirl at 9:21 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Your dad may be experiencing this tsunami of emotions, too. He is probably experiencing tremendous guilt for continuing to smoke for many years. Lung cancer was until recently a near-death sentence, but I want you to know that there have been enormous strides in treating lung cancer. Please make certain your dad is treated at a comprehensive cancer center, where the latest treatments are used, and where he will have access to clinical trials if the approved treatments are not successful. The oncologists at these centers are usually very aggressive and willing to shoot for the moon. Comprehensive cancer centers also have the best infrastructure, with patient navigators, social workers for patient and family support, and every sort of family support you can think of.
Good luck and best wishes for you and your family on this journey.
posted by citygirl at 9:21 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
My dad was also diagnosed with non-small-cell carcinoma, although he was diagnosed at stage 4. He got very depressed after the diagnosis and after his treatment began. He also began having panic attacks. The #1 hardest thing was convincing him that he was a) depressed and b) anxious. He was prescribed meds for both of those, but he refused to take them because he was one of those Proud Stoic Men of a Certain Age who don't really believe in anxiety or depression at a baseline, and would certainly never admit to suffering from either of them.
The argument that came closest to making an inroad was "Look, depression is a side effect of cancer. Anxiety is a totally reasonable side effect of being diagnosed with a serious illness. These drugs were prescribed to you to treat an illness, not because you're broken or bad at coping."
I wish I could say it worked. It didn't. He finally did start taking an anti-depressant that the doctor ostensibly prescribed to help him sleep. (We still don't know if he was actually aware that it was an anti-depressant. Maybe he did know and just depended not to. Either way, he wouldn't admit that he was taking one.) He spent his last few months depressed, scared, and suffering from frequent panic attacks that were hard, for him, to differentiate from lung disease.
My best advice for you is find some way to get your dad to take the meds. Find some way to help him accept that he's treating side effects from the cancer. Is he willing to take a pill to combat nausea? Then why not depression? Why not anxiety? (These are rhetorical questions that I'm mostly asking my late father, not you or your dad.)
Best of luck to you. This is hard. Don't forget to take care of *you*.
posted by mudpuppie at 9:25 AM on March 19, 2018
The argument that came closest to making an inroad was "Look, depression is a side effect of cancer. Anxiety is a totally reasonable side effect of being diagnosed with a serious illness. These drugs were prescribed to you to treat an illness, not because you're broken or bad at coping."
I wish I could say it worked. It didn't. He finally did start taking an anti-depressant that the doctor ostensibly prescribed to help him sleep. (We still don't know if he was actually aware that it was an anti-depressant. Maybe he did know and just depended not to. Either way, he wouldn't admit that he was taking one.) He spent his last few months depressed, scared, and suffering from frequent panic attacks that were hard, for him, to differentiate from lung disease.
My best advice for you is find some way to get your dad to take the meds. Find some way to help him accept that he's treating side effects from the cancer. Is he willing to take a pill to combat nausea? Then why not depression? Why not anxiety? (These are rhetorical questions that I'm mostly asking my late father, not you or your dad.)
Best of luck to you. This is hard. Don't forget to take care of *you*.
posted by mudpuppie at 9:25 AM on March 19, 2018
To a certain extent this is him working through it. I'm kind of like your dad, I rarely dwell on things for long but that is because I don't push my emotions down. I just go ahead and fully feel them knowing that eventually I'll get tired of it and they'll lose their effect. I find trying to distract myself or push stuff away bites me in the ass later on. A little bit of wallowing or grieving or anger up front prevents any long term issues. You say he handles stress well, trust him to know himself.
I also think you need to honestly assess how much of this is about you not wanting to watch your dad be upset because it upsets you or you don't like it and how much is actually about him. If he's a guy who is happily in touch with his feelings most of the time, right now his feelings suck. Asking him to pretend to act ok about cancer isn't fair. He's not ok with it, he hates it and is upset. That's not pathological in and of itself. I know he's your Dad and you are used to him being the cheerful, calm person so make sure this isn't about you managing your anxiety by controlling his emotions.
posted by fshgrl at 11:13 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
I also think you need to honestly assess how much of this is about you not wanting to watch your dad be upset because it upsets you or you don't like it and how much is actually about him. If he's a guy who is happily in touch with his feelings most of the time, right now his feelings suck. Asking him to pretend to act ok about cancer isn't fair. He's not ok with it, he hates it and is upset. That's not pathological in and of itself. I know he's your Dad and you are used to him being the cheerful, calm person so make sure this isn't about you managing your anxiety by controlling his emotions.
posted by fshgrl at 11:13 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
But also: you said a couple of days. Honestly, that's a pretty short time to be acutely upset about what's going to be a huge change in his life, confronted with all these concrete reminders of the same. To some degree, you have to let him be upset. He sounds like the kind of guy who might hide his feelings if he thinks they're going to make it harder on his family, so you don't want to focus too explicitly on bringing his mood up.
posted by praemunire at 7:58 AM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]