Can I go home now?

March 11, 2018 1:16 PM

Can I go home now? And how do I explain it?

I am not in a great place these days, coming off of a truly awful year. My house burned down, but it turns out that wasn’t even the worst thing that happened. So I’ve been isolating myself, in therapy with my husband, and with trepidation, undertook a delayed trip to see family. I drove six hours yesterday in the rain to get here, and after dinner and too many glasses of wine, really got into it with my brother. This has happened before, but this time it’s just taking me down too low to want to finish out the trip. I moved to hotel nearby, and am just trying to get a little rest. I have a nephew here with a one-year old and was going to be here for three more days before flying to another location to see another brother and niece. I really just want to go home now. I hate the idea of “letting him get the best of me” and any other time I would just carry on. But I’m not up to it. How do I explain this? Or do I need to? Can I make up a white lie about something coming up at home?

posted by Gusaroo to Human Relations (21 answers total)

Holy cow, your house burned down. In my mind that means you have 24 months to do whatever you like, without question, putting yourself first until you get things sorted and stable again.

Go home and get some good rest.
posted by mochapickle at 1:28 PM on March 11, 2018 [39 favorites]

Take care of yourself. Yes, by all means, tell a white lie if that is what needs to happen for you to leave with as little drama as possible! No need to explain the real reasons.
posted by Blissful at 1:30 PM on March 11, 2018

Maybe just say you're not feeling well, which is true.
posted by pinochiette at 1:32 PM on March 11, 2018 [14 favorites]

I feel for you. You have this internet strangers permission, scratch that, encouragement, to get in the car and drive home right now. White lie away. I personally prefer stories about hot water tanks leaking, but whatever you feel will work.
posted by cgg at 1:35 PM on March 11, 2018 [6 favorites]

I give you permission. Go, take care of you.
posted by 41swans at 1:35 PM on March 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

You just go, because you need to care for yourself and home is likely the best place for you to do that right now. I don't see any need for an explanation.
posted by vers at 1:38 PM on March 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

go home and take care of yourself. its the most important thing you can do right now.
posted by supermedusa at 1:53 PM on March 11, 2018

You have internet-stranger permission to go whenever you want. But, since (I assume) you've paid for the hotel room anyway, you might want to just take it easy there today, get a good night's sleep, and see how you're feeling in the morning when you're rested and your emotions have had a little time to settle. If you still want to be away then, go.
posted by praemunire at 1:54 PM on March 11, 2018 [20 favorites]

In a similar vein, if you decide to go home (which is perfectly fine), leave future you some wiggle room vis-a-vis your future relationships with your brother(s) and offspring. That will also minimize exhausting in-the-moment drama about Whhhyyyy are you cutting short/cancelling this visit with meeeee??!???!!! So text something like "Brother, after all the upheaval of this past year, it turns out being away from home is tougher than I thought. I'm heading out, but I look forward to seeing you and Nephew at Event/another time."
posted by carmicha at 2:01 PM on March 11, 2018 [5 favorites]

... since (I assume) you've paid for the hotel room anyway, you might want to just take it easy there today, get a good night's sleep, and see how you're feeling in the morning when you're rested and your emotions have had a little time to settle. If you still want to be away then, go.
posted by praemunire at 3:54 PM on March 11
praemunire nailed it But then, if you do decide to hit the bricks, no need for any lies, black white or gray. There's no secrets in families, everybody is aware of what's going on.

So anyways, count me as another internet stranger saying to do whatever the hell it is you want to do, you'll have much clearer eyes tomorrow AM. So sleep on it, then follow your heart.

Good luck!
posted by dancestoblue at 2:40 PM on March 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

Of course you can. I recommend taking a breather, stay tonight in the hotel room, watch a bunch of silly movies/ tv, eat comfort food, and in the morning either go home if that feels the nest, or go on to the next visit.
posted by theora55 at 2:45 PM on March 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

I would leave and I wouldn't even bother telling a white lie. Why let him think this behaviour is acceptable? These days I don't shield people from the consequences of their actions, otherwise it just keeps happening.

I'd say something along the lines of "Brother, I've had the worst year on record so far and I came to family for some healing. Instead I got the exact opposite and it's not the visit I signed up for. If you can't make an effort to get along it's best I don't see you at all." Don't view it as letting him win, view it as setting boundaries for how you want to be treated. It's a win for you! Leave and go wherever it is that will soothe your soul and don't feel even a little bit bad.
posted by Jubey at 3:27 PM on March 11, 2018 [18 favorites]

Tell everyone you have the flu, go home, order delivery, have a nice hot bath with a glass of wine and then hide for three days and don't talk to anyone. Sheesh, you need a real break.

And at some point, if you want, you can tell your brother to stick it, but you don't have to do that this week- wait til you have the energy.

Hope you feel better soon!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:14 PM on March 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

I'm gonna go a little against the grain and say if you feel like leaving tonight, don't worry about the hotel room, just go. I never sleep very well when I'm upset and taking a concrete action (like leaving a horribly stressful family fight) to protect myself would be even better than a good nights sleep. Tell a white lie. Who cares if anyone sees through it? Its only meant to spare you the drama. I'm sorry this year has been so crappy for you.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:14 PM on March 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

I drove six hours yesterday in the rain to get here, and after dinner and too many glasses of wine...

Don’t go far. Stay at hotel and eat and sleep. Then figure the rest out.
posted by tristeza at 9:54 PM on March 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

Just to amplify what pinochiette said: you aren't feeling well, and you aren't up to visiting right now. It's not a white lie! It is deeply true! It sounds like your gut is screaming this at you right now. This internet stranger gives you permission to listen.
posted by athirstforsalt at 10:42 PM on March 11, 2018

I would sleep it out and eat the shit out of the hotel breakfast buffet before heading back, though.
posted by athirstforsalt at 10:44 PM on March 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

taking a concrete action (like leaving a horribly stressful family fight) to protect myself would be even better than a good nights sleep.

Taking a concrete action like driving six hours on a stomach full of enough wine to bring on a family stoush, though? No. Sleep first.
posted by flabdablet at 5:36 AM on March 12, 2018 [6 favorites]

Taking a concrete action like driving six hours on a stomach full of enough wine to bring on a family stoush, though? No. Sleep first.

Oh good point. Yeah, OK, sleep the wine off, for sure.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:23 AM on March 12, 2018 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Boy, what a thing to get comfort from all of you lovely mefites. I found a nearby hotel, Slept a lot and woke up still feeling very raw and hurt. Going to hang here at the hotel for one more day then either home or on to the next visit. Thank you unmet Mefi friends.
posted by Gusaroo at 9:34 AM on March 12, 2018 [9 favorites]

I don't have advice but wanted to say that I did this at Christmas - flew out to Austin from San Francisco, had a blowup with my mom, and flew back less than 24 hours later (I had planned to stay for 4 days). The fight itself was a sad thing and it's still a bit raw, but I knew from experience that my sticking around would not have helped matters. It felt good to stick up for myself and protect my time and sanity, and I was able to spend my time off with friends who cared about me instead of with someone hostile. There is something sort of uniquely awful about feeling like you can't even make it through a planned visit with family who is supposed to care about you, so I just wanted to let you know that you won't be the first person to bail on family time and be better off for it. Please take care of yourself!
posted by sunset in snow country at 1:41 PM on March 12, 2018 [1 favorite]