Should I bring a gift to my dying aunt's spouse? If so, what?
January 17, 2018 1:41 PM Subscribe
My aunt is dying. I'm going to visit her and my uncle tomorrow. It occurred to me that it might be polite to bring some sort of host[-ess] gift. My aunt is “pretty much out,” so the gift would really be for my uncle and other family members who are visiting. Is this a good idea? If so, what kind of gift would be appropriate?
My aunt and uncle are Jewish (approximately reform, and they do keep kosher). I'm not terribly close to them but there's no conflict or estrangement between us. A partner of mine said, “usually Jews mostly just keep each other company.” Maybe that'd be best?
My aunt and uncle are Jewish (approximately reform, and they do keep kosher). I'm not terribly close to them but there's no conflict or estrangement between us. A partner of mine said, “usually Jews mostly just keep each other company.” Maybe that'd be best?
I think nothing is okay. If you really want, perhaps a hotdish or something homemade that freezes well. I've done this for sick relatives and it was always greatly appreciated, as food is the last thing that people think about under the circumstances.
posted by onecircleaday at 1:49 PM on January 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by onecircleaday at 1:49 PM on January 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry for your and your family's loss.
I think the main thing probably is that you are going to visit, but if you do want to bring something: in a similar situation with a good friend whose father was in hospice/passed away, I brought food that she could serve to guests--there were tons of out of town family who came in for the final days of hospice and for the funeral. We brought over platters of cold cuts and cheese (obviously this is not kosher) that could easily be turned into sandwiches if people wanted. My friend commented afterwards how useful the platters were, because she just Could. Not. Think. of what to feed the hordes of people who kept coming by and also had very little time to go out for groceries.
It can be hard to think about preparing food for yourself, let alone visitors, when you are bereaved/about to be bereaved. If you can bring something kosher that will keep for a few days and can either be eaten by your uncle or served by him to other guests, I think it would be a very kind thing for you to do.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:57 PM on January 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think the main thing probably is that you are going to visit, but if you do want to bring something: in a similar situation with a good friend whose father was in hospice/passed away, I brought food that she could serve to guests--there were tons of out of town family who came in for the final days of hospice and for the funeral. We brought over platters of cold cuts and cheese (obviously this is not kosher) that could easily be turned into sandwiches if people wanted. My friend commented afterwards how useful the platters were, because she just Could. Not. Think. of what to feed the hordes of people who kept coming by and also had very little time to go out for groceries.
It can be hard to think about preparing food for yourself, let alone visitors, when you are bereaved/about to be bereaved. If you can bring something kosher that will keep for a few days and can either be eaten by your uncle or served by him to other guests, I think it would be a very kind thing for you to do.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:57 PM on January 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: If you are just paying a visit and not staying at their house, a gift would be out of the ordinary. (Conservative Jew, grew up Reform) Since they keep kosher, if you do feel the impulse to bring food I would stick to fresh, uncut fruit like grapes or mini tangerines.
posted by metahawk at 1:57 PM on January 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by metahawk at 1:57 PM on January 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
I’d go with nothing, food, or perhaps flowers. Food or flowers are never a terrible idea, imo.
posted by SaltySalticid at 2:11 PM on January 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by SaltySalticid at 2:11 PM on January 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you're worried about bring appropriately kosher food, maybe offer to do some errands or chores for them? For example - offer to do some loads of laundry for them, or the dishes.
posted by spinifex23 at 2:51 PM on January 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by spinifex23 at 2:51 PM on January 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
When I had a baby (so visitors were spaced out over days and weeks, rather than several at a time) a friend of mine brought me self-stable snacks that I could eat or serve if I couldn't get any food together for visitors. Nuts, dried fruits, nice crackers. She also brought soup that was meant just for me.
Otherwise I think a platter is nice if people are coming through frequently and you don't think it will go to waste. Perhaps a few drinks (sparkling juices or the like) that can also be offered to guests, or a nice coffee or tea.
Agree that food is never a bad gift.
posted by vignettist at 3:13 PM on January 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
Otherwise I think a platter is nice if people are coming through frequently and you don't think it will go to waste. Perhaps a few drinks (sparkling juices or the like) that can also be offered to guests, or a nice coffee or tea.
Agree that food is never a bad gift.
posted by vignettist at 3:13 PM on January 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all. She passed this evening. I'm still planning to visit tomorrow.
posted by smammy at 3:36 PM on January 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by smammy at 3:36 PM on January 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
A few weeks ago I visited an elderly dying neighbor. I didn't think to bring anything but others brought fancy chocolates and fruit and it was lovely. His wife and daughters were delighted by these gifts and shared them with everyone who came by. If you bring chocolates make sure they're kosher.
posted by mareli at 3:37 PM on January 17, 2018
posted by mareli at 3:37 PM on January 17, 2018
Food. Food is never unwelcome, in my experience. It's is a key part of "respect-paying" visits when someone dies in lots of cultures, I suspect because it means there's one less thing to worry about.
Growing up in south Mississippi, it was mostly stuff we ate all the time -- sides and vegetables and casseroles and whatnot -- but you'd also see buckets of fried chicken, too, and they were just as welcome.
I know nothing about being kosher, but sure sounds like fruit would be safe.
posted by uberchet at 3:48 PM on January 17, 2018
Growing up in south Mississippi, it was mostly stuff we ate all the time -- sides and vegetables and casseroles and whatnot -- but you'd also see buckets of fried chicken, too, and they were just as welcome.
I know nothing about being kosher, but sure sounds like fruit would be safe.
posted by uberchet at 3:48 PM on January 17, 2018
To echo Rock 'em sock 'em, for future readers, I would not bring food to a Jewish dying person because it's specifically something you do for the family once the person has died.
posted by 8603 at 4:38 PM on January 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by 8603 at 4:38 PM on January 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
Perhaps some photographs of your aunt, if you have some your uncle does not, to include at the funeral or to talk about memories.
posted by quercus23 at 9:35 PM on January 17, 2018
posted by quercus23 at 9:35 PM on January 17, 2018
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posted by amro at 1:46 PM on January 17, 2018