People fishing for compliments: the marathon version
July 27, 2017 7:27 AM Subscribe
I have a set of folks in my life who are exactly the kind of bragging/affirmation-seeking conversationalists described in this previous question. Added wrinkle: I'm going to have to roll with this behavior for a whole week on upcoming mandatory visit to their home-- with a bonus side of some somewhat distasteful things being boasted about. What can I do to either (a) dodge the fishing, or (b) physically calm myself down through 8 days of forced compliments?
Let's call these people the Gs. Time spent socializing with the Gs inevitably involves listening to them make a lot of flattering statements about themselves, their achievements or their lifestyle, with either implicit or explicit demands for praise and affirmation in response. Often, the bragging also includes subtly running down others, by way of showing how superior the Gs are.
I was socialized against this sort of self-aggrandizing, and have always found it low-level annoying. But the main difficulty is that lately, the Gs have focused their bragging on a cluster of things that I not only am not impressed by, but actively disapprove of. Without getting into too much detail, I'll say that this was touched off by a cross-country move into a house in one of those luxury retirement country-club communities-- a living situation which would have been well beyond their own means, but which was acquired by some dodgy manipulation of a pre-inheritance bequest from an elderly relative, that alienated part of the Gs' family. Once in the community, the Gs have intensified a lot of (what I find to be) problematic behaviors surrounding social class and relationships. This includes extensive and vocal spending on luxuries and wealth signals for themselves, coupled with some fairly tacky economies in other-facing areas like hospitality and gifts (think "sneaking into museums to save the ticket price" and "boxing up the previous owner's old stuffed animals as Christmas gifts" levels of thrift) to be able to afford the country-club lifestyle, plus a bunch of the icky status games, scrutinizing/discussing others' consumption, exploitation/ patronizing of mostly-minority service workers, etc., and general irritating air of smugness that seem to run standard in these sorts of communities.
I'd be happy to MMOB, except that the Gs are thoroughly pleased with themselves for having landed here, and very anxious that visitors should witness and affirm their good choices. I've spent past visits being constantly fished for detailed compliments on:
Thus, two questions:
1. I think it would help if I could just avoid having to constantly affirm the Gs all the damn time. The consensus answer to the previous question seemed to be "Just give in and say something nice," but are there ways I can repeatedly dodge any of the specific bids for praise described above?
2. Failing that,what quick techniques can I use to calm myself down and mitigate the cumulative frustration of these interactions? I'm an argumentative type, and cognitive dissonance quickly makes me stressed and anxious. Is there a way to help my brain be a million miles away, even as my lips numbly affirm that yes, that club waitress did doubtless appreciate your friendly condescension and generous 16% tip?
Let's call these people the Gs. Time spent socializing with the Gs inevitably involves listening to them make a lot of flattering statements about themselves, their achievements or their lifestyle, with either implicit or explicit demands for praise and affirmation in response. Often, the bragging also includes subtly running down others, by way of showing how superior the Gs are.
I was socialized against this sort of self-aggrandizing, and have always found it low-level annoying. But the main difficulty is that lately, the Gs have focused their bragging on a cluster of things that I not only am not impressed by, but actively disapprove of. Without getting into too much detail, I'll say that this was touched off by a cross-country move into a house in one of those luxury retirement country-club communities-- a living situation which would have been well beyond their own means, but which was acquired by some dodgy manipulation of a pre-inheritance bequest from an elderly relative, that alienated part of the Gs' family. Once in the community, the Gs have intensified a lot of (what I find to be) problematic behaviors surrounding social class and relationships. This includes extensive and vocal spending on luxuries and wealth signals for themselves, coupled with some fairly tacky economies in other-facing areas like hospitality and gifts (think "sneaking into museums to save the ticket price" and "boxing up the previous owner's old stuffed animals as Christmas gifts" levels of thrift) to be able to afford the country-club lifestyle, plus a bunch of the icky status games, scrutinizing/discussing others' consumption, exploitation/ patronizing of mostly-minority service workers, etc., and general irritating air of smugness that seem to run standard in these sorts of communities.
I'd be happy to MMOB, except that the Gs are thoroughly pleased with themselves for having landed here, and very anxious that visitors should witness and affirm their good choices. I've spent past visits being constantly fished for detailed compliments on:
-- the horrible Stepford-y country club setting, with all its elaborately landscaped paths that nobody's allowed to walk on because golf. ("Look at this place. I mean, don't you just love it? Isn't it just heaven?" was literally something said to me after pulling me away from a movie in progress to gaze out the front door at their unremarkable street)I try to be polite, but by the end of the past visits, the strain of having to constantly produce hypocritical "Yes, wonderful!"s and admiring follow-ups had driven me into unexpected Leninesque rage at the existence of this place in general and at this particularly gross, parvenu, self-congratulatory way of being in it. (In my own defense, there are circumstances particular to the relationship, which is a close family one, and the uncomfortable logistics of the visits, that mean I'm operating on a diminished reserve of good-temper while there). I can't avoid the visit, but I'd really like to find a way to zen out this next time, so as not to feel so secretly pissed off all the time.
-- the luxurious lifestyle, including the joys of having service workers to scrub one's toilets, landscape one's yard in the hot sun, etc. ("And all the work is so cheap, too, here!"/ "I'm so glad we asked the pool guy in for coffee after his shift. It must have made his whole day to have such a nice invitation.")
-- the wisdom of endless minor plans of both consumption and economy ("Look, this is the new custom golf cart we ordered. Do you like the seats? Isn't it nice?"/ "What do you think of the kitchen remodel? Didn't it turn out well?" /"I think 2 takeout entrees is plenty for 6 people, don't you? It doesn't make sense to waste food.")
-- their general social and human superiority to various people: the other half of the family who "lost" the battle for this house, the relative who chose not to move so she could spend more time with her grandchildren ("Ugh, I could never stay home and play babysitter like that. I've raised my children, thank God."), the paupers who only live in the condo section of the community, etc.
Thus, two questions:
1. I think it would help if I could just avoid having to constantly affirm the Gs all the damn time. The consensus answer to the previous question seemed to be "Just give in and say something nice," but are there ways I can repeatedly dodge any of the specific bids for praise described above?
2. Failing that,what quick techniques can I use to calm myself down and mitigate the cumulative frustration of these interactions? I'm an argumentative type, and cognitive dissonance quickly makes me stressed and anxious. Is there a way to help my brain be a million miles away, even as my lips numbly affirm that yes, that club waitress did doubtless appreciate your friendly condescension and generous 16% tip?
My dad does this. With everything. I have found that if my only response to the AFFIRM MY LIFE RIGHT NOW questions is "Hmmmm," he stops. If he repeats his question, I change the subject.
Now, if you're actually being asked if two takeout entrees is enough for six people, you have every right (and obligation, if you're one of the six!) to say, "No, I don't. Would you like me to buy more food?" I mean, really. That's not enough food and they know it, they're just being cheap, so maybe calling them out will either force them to stop being cheap or you'll have to fork out some money for more food. But you won't be hungry.
posted by cooker girl at 7:55 AM on July 27, 2017 [14 favorites]
Now, if you're actually being asked if two takeout entrees is enough for six people, you have every right (and obligation, if you're one of the six!) to say, "No, I don't. Would you like me to buy more food?" I mean, really. That's not enough food and they know it, they're just being cheap, so maybe calling them out will either force them to stop being cheap or you'll have to fork out some money for more food. But you won't be hungry.
posted by cooker girl at 7:55 AM on July 27, 2017 [14 favorites]
Politeness is always good, but I don't understand why you feel you have to be agreeable. Why not say what you think? "You really think so? I know you love it but it seems like just an ordinary street to me." "Hmmm, I don't really have a lot of experience with golf carts, but if you love it I'm sure it's wonderful." "Well, I understand you feel differently, but I think it's great that she cares for her grandchildren so much." It may cause some arguments at first, which you can keep unfailingly polite, but after a while they may stop the now unproductive behavior.
posted by ubiquity at 7:55 AM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by ubiquity at 7:55 AM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
Yes, I admit it. My suggestions are totally passive aggressive.
I like those suggestions, and they're not passive aggressive. They're a simple statement of truth. "I prefer..." "I like..." "I think X is important" are all I-statements expressing your own opinions or preferences without denigrating their choices (though you'd want to watch your tone!). If challenged, then, "That's just what I prefer! Different strokes for different folks!" or something similar. Keep the tone light and airy.
posted by lazuli at 7:56 AM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
I like those suggestions, and they're not passive aggressive. They're a simple statement of truth. "I prefer..." "I like..." "I think X is important" are all I-statements expressing your own opinions or preferences without denigrating their choices (though you'd want to watch your tone!). If challenged, then, "That's just what I prefer! Different strokes for different folks!" or something similar. Keep the tone light and airy.
posted by lazuli at 7:56 AM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
Any way you reframe it in your head as a game? Like "Braggart Bingo"? Award a point for each instance. Think of some treat you would really like once this is over, but you can only get it IF they score 100! They can do it! Go you braggarts, go!
Also, just as a technique, I often find a winning, silent smile aimed right at the face of the other person to be less of a strain than actually having to come up with admiring words. And while you do it, picture them with their underpants on fire.
posted by JanetLand at 7:59 AM on July 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
Also, just as a technique, I often find a winning, silent smile aimed right at the face of the other person to be less of a strain than actually having to come up with admiring words. And while you do it, picture them with their underpants on fire.
posted by JanetLand at 7:59 AM on July 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
I'm with cooker girl. A bland 'Mmmmm' coupled with an expressionless face tends to dampen people's enthusiasm.
posted by orrnyereg at 8:05 AM on July 27, 2017
posted by orrnyereg at 8:05 AM on July 27, 2017
I would find it very frustrating to listen to, but try valiantly to say things like "it's great to see you so happy!" i.e. express no opinion, but if pressed I'd say it's not my style, I prefer X (people, genuine connections, nonmaterial choices, etc) but I'm glad to see them doing their thing.
posted by aimedwander at 8:07 AM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by aimedwander at 8:07 AM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
"I'm glad that you've found a house/golf cart/neighborhood/pool boy who makes you so happy! I'm going to get back to that movie."
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:08 AM on July 27, 2017 [15 favorites]
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:08 AM on July 27, 2017 [15 favorites]
This is not a solution to the problem, but if some cathartic reading might help you deal with your very reasonable feelings of frustration, the portions of Pride and Prejudice which involve Mr. Collins are about exactly this.
posted by snorkmaiden at 8:16 AM on July 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by snorkmaiden at 8:16 AM on July 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
One thing you can do is schedule some things you have to do during the visit. It could be invented if necessary. It needs to be something that gives you a solid break and better if you do it at the same time every day so you can look forward to it... It could be:
- Going for a run (I hate to be the couch to 5k evangelist - but it's an awesome program that took me from a couch potato to a more mobile couch potato)
- Going for a long walk ("sorry, time for my morning walk, see ya in an hour!")
- Spending an hour handling email correspondence / bills (alone in a room somewhere quiet, or in a café or public library)
- Visiting a nearby sightseeing spot / museum / location that they are not interested in
- Handling work stuff, conference calls, etc
- Calling family or friends and talking about something other than these people
When things get braggy, remind yourself that these people are miserable and dead on the inside, and try to be as compassionate as possible... as noted above, it doesn't mean you have to affirm their toxicity. Silence can actually be pretty effective as JanetLand says. Also, I'm sure you are doing this - but I would have a long hard think about whether future visits are truly mandatory. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking I "have" to do something when it turns out that I'm the only one thinking that.
Good luck to you, and I hope you land on a good method for getting through it!
posted by machinecraig at 8:16 AM on July 27, 2017 [13 favorites]
- Going for a run (I hate to be the couch to 5k evangelist - but it's an awesome program that took me from a couch potato to a more mobile couch potato)
- Going for a long walk ("sorry, time for my morning walk, see ya in an hour!")
- Spending an hour handling email correspondence / bills (alone in a room somewhere quiet, or in a café or public library)
- Visiting a nearby sightseeing spot / museum / location that they are not interested in
- Handling work stuff, conference calls, etc
- Calling family or friends and talking about something other than these people
When things get braggy, remind yourself that these people are miserable and dead on the inside, and try to be as compassionate as possible... as noted above, it doesn't mean you have to affirm their toxicity. Silence can actually be pretty effective as JanetLand says. Also, I'm sure you are doing this - but I would have a long hard think about whether future visits are truly mandatory. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking I "have" to do something when it turns out that I'm the only one thinking that.
Good luck to you, and I hope you land on a good method for getting through it!
posted by machinecraig at 8:16 AM on July 27, 2017 [13 favorites]
I don't think you or anyone here is going to come up with a magic comeback that will make them change their ways, but you might find some that make them feel bad or cause friction, which I hope is not your goal-- they sound really insecure and they want confirmation/affirmation of their class-jump.
I do agree this sounds painful and obnoxious and if it were me I'd just blandly mm-hmm, change the subject, and try to put my mind elsewhere rather than try to impart my own non-materialisitc superiority, because that makes it a battle which would stress me out and add a layer of contentiousness that I could live without.
Also, beg off when possible to head off the building rage. You need to go on your walk, run to Target, call your doctor in private for a few minutes, nurse your headache, etc.
posted by kapers at 8:21 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
I do agree this sounds painful and obnoxious and if it were me I'd just blandly mm-hmm, change the subject, and try to put my mind elsewhere rather than try to impart my own non-materialisitc superiority, because that makes it a battle which would stress me out and add a layer of contentiousness that I could live without.
Also, beg off when possible to head off the building rage. You need to go on your walk, run to Target, call your doctor in private for a few minutes, nurse your headache, etc.
posted by kapers at 8:21 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Why do you spend any time with these people at all? They sound like insufferable boors, and I can't think of why you should go at all.
What is 'mandatory' about this? They don't seem to be family. Perhaps they are close with your partner or something?
I ask because the reason why you are forced in to this would determine how I'd respond. But on the face of it I see no reason to play their game and compliment them on the shitty stuff they love. If anyone crowed at me about how they were proud of having their pool boy in for coffee I'd probably laugh in their face and leave, or tell them I find their reveling in the trappings of class due to inherited money to be ethically shameful and morally repugnant.
After that I imagine they wouldn't invite me back, problem solved.
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:23 AM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
What is 'mandatory' about this? They don't seem to be family. Perhaps they are close with your partner or something?
I ask because the reason why you are forced in to this would determine how I'd respond. But on the face of it I see no reason to play their game and compliment them on the shitty stuff they love. If anyone crowed at me about how they were proud of having their pool boy in for coffee I'd probably laugh in their face and leave, or tell them I find their reveling in the trappings of class due to inherited money to be ethically shameful and morally repugnant.
After that I imagine they wouldn't invite me back, problem solved.
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:23 AM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
If this is so mandatory it's worth the stain on your soul, I'd say go Southern but not Completely Southern. "Bless your heart" will not go unnoticed probably, but "good for you" might work over and over again. You can either do it lightly bemused, or go full Texan with a big ol smile and pronounced "yeeeeeew."
All of this behavior is driven by anxiety, so if you really want to burn a bridge and do something about that stain, you could - after the sixth or so bid - just touch them lightly on the arm and say, gently, "you don't have to keep doing this, you'll be okay."
posted by Lyn Never at 8:32 AM on July 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
All of this behavior is driven by anxiety, so if you really want to burn a bridge and do something about that stain, you could - after the sixth or so bid - just touch them lightly on the arm and say, gently, "you don't have to keep doing this, you'll be okay."
posted by Lyn Never at 8:32 AM on July 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
They sound awful. It would reassure me to remind myself that underneath they are anxious and miserable and desperately trying to validate their choices.
I also really struggle to be fake-nice about a thing I don't like and also I am generally fairly taciturn so no one really expects me to gush over anything and I can usually get away with a smile/nod/grunt, but my tactics are/would be:
- "Mmmm" with varying degrees of enthusiasm when asked to confirm/validate an expressed opinion
- When I need to produce an actual response, ie "What do you think of the kitchen remodel?" I find a tiny detail that I can be nice about and focus hard on that. I really like these cupboard door handles, they're so shiny!
- Straight up ignoring, if I'm otherwise busy (reading is perfect for this. Sorry, I didn't hear you, I was so engrossed!)
- Asking about the service worker/person being condescended to - "Oh, is X your regular pool guy? Do you chat a lot? Does he have a family/favourite sports team/pet?" (Or talk to them yourself)
- Hiding in the bathroom
posted by corvine at 8:34 AM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
I also really struggle to be fake-nice about a thing I don't like and also I am generally fairly taciturn so no one really expects me to gush over anything and I can usually get away with a smile/nod/grunt, but my tactics are/would be:
- "Mmmm" with varying degrees of enthusiasm when asked to confirm/validate an expressed opinion
- When I need to produce an actual response, ie "What do you think of the kitchen remodel?" I find a tiny detail that I can be nice about and focus hard on that. I really like these cupboard door handles, they're so shiny!
- Straight up ignoring, if I'm otherwise busy (reading is perfect for this. Sorry, I didn't hear you, I was so engrossed!)
- Asking about the service worker/person being condescended to - "Oh, is X your regular pool guy? Do you chat a lot? Does he have a family/favourite sports team/pet?" (Or talk to them yourself)
- Hiding in the bathroom
posted by corvine at 8:34 AM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
Look, I understand you are really, really affronted by this but I think there is a degree to which this is baggage laden for you because their behaviour is egregious but not like, intolerably severe.
You can reflect what they're saying without affirming it. It really isn't so hard that you need to get anywhere near confrontation over this. Especially since you know the confrontation would be futile.
"I'm so glad you enjoy it."
"It's nice you guys are so happy."
"This seems like a good fit for you."
"Glad you are pleased with how the project came out."
"Oh, this certainly is a special* place / thing / decorating choice."
*Only you need to know that this is the Southern value for "special."
posted by DarlingBri at 8:39 AM on July 27, 2017 [14 favorites]
You can reflect what they're saying without affirming it. It really isn't so hard that you need to get anywhere near confrontation over this. Especially since you know the confrontation would be futile.
"I'm so glad you enjoy it."
"It's nice you guys are so happy."
"This seems like a good fit for you."
"Glad you are pleased with how the project came out."
"Oh, this certainly is a special* place / thing / decorating choice."
*Only you need to know that this is the Southern value for "special."
posted by DarlingBri at 8:39 AM on July 27, 2017 [14 favorites]
I genuinely feel sorry for these people. They've made a very risky and alienating choice which can't be easily undone and are now desperately trying to convince themselves it was the right one. But they're unable to find this reassurance in themselves so look to other people to confirm it for them. That is honestly quite sad when you really think about it.
Yes, they're annoying and brought it on themselves, etc., but these people are small people, fundamentally. Small, sad, desperate people who have made hard choices they are very anxious about, because they didn't know better. I can truly muster up some pity for them.
The condescension is terrible but is clearly a coping mechanism for them as they're ashamed of being poor/living beyond their means and don't want to think they're being cheap. That's pretty pitiable too. They are probably quite transparent to the service people. Also, they are presumably getting older and must be feeing as though they're losing their sense of self-control/pride and needing to be "cared for" more and more.
Although I don't doubt they are obnoxious, they are human, and really seem to be in a one-down position despite appearances.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:42 AM on July 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
Yes, they're annoying and brought it on themselves, etc., but these people are small people, fundamentally. Small, sad, desperate people who have made hard choices they are very anxious about, because they didn't know better. I can truly muster up some pity for them.
The condescension is terrible but is clearly a coping mechanism for them as they're ashamed of being poor/living beyond their means and don't want to think they're being cheap. That's pretty pitiable too. They are probably quite transparent to the service people. Also, they are presumably getting older and must be feeing as though they're losing their sense of self-control/pride and needing to be "cared for" more and more.
Although I don't doubt they are obnoxious, they are human, and really seem to be in a one-down position despite appearances.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:42 AM on July 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
I would respond honestly when they're asking how nice stuff is - if its an unremarkable street, say so.
When they're being cheap after bragging about some expensive remodel or custom golf cart - call them out on it, in a joking way eg. spent all your money on that kitchen remodel and can't afford to feed us, eh? If you're feeling generous/hungry, offer to chip in so you can get a decent amount of food - (seriously, I know take-out portions are on the large side but 2 mains for 6 people?! Unless they have tiny appetites, they know that isn't enough food)
When they're being condescending, is rolling your eyes and walking away an option?
If you don't want to affirm their choices or compliment stuff you don't want to then don't. If their behavior is particularly egregious, tell them how distasteful they're being.... unless these Gs are your in-laws... in which case, smile, nod and change the subject whenever you can
posted by missmagenta at 8:57 AM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
When they're being cheap after bragging about some expensive remodel or custom golf cart - call them out on it, in a joking way eg. spent all your money on that kitchen remodel and can't afford to feed us, eh? If you're feeling generous/hungry, offer to chip in so you can get a decent amount of food - (seriously, I know take-out portions are on the large side but 2 mains for 6 people?! Unless they have tiny appetites, they know that isn't enough food)
When they're being condescending, is rolling your eyes and walking away an option?
If you don't want to affirm their choices or compliment stuff you don't want to then don't. If their behavior is particularly egregious, tell them how distasteful they're being.... unless these Gs are your in-laws... in which case, smile, nod and change the subject whenever you can
posted by missmagenta at 8:57 AM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
A courteous, upbeat but noncommittal "mmmmm" or "huh!" is probably the most appropriate way to go. This isn't a hill worth dying on. Take the high road. Be polite. Move on. Politeness does not equate with acquiescence.
posted by Thorzdad at 9:06 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Thorzdad at 9:06 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Ugh, I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I would absolutely chafe against agreeing with them. It would gross me out to feel like I was validating some really foul values and actions. But honestly, I'd go with whatever response required the least effort and - even more importantly - was least likely to make it seem like I wanted to discuss the matter.
Anything you say that seems to disagree with them, even passive-aggressively, opens the floor for argument. They're going to want to defend their positions, so telling them that you don't really care about their damn lawn or food choices or whatever is just asking them to tell you MORE about how swell they're being. I doubt very much you'll ever get them to reconsider their choices, so it would only serve to prolong the unpleasantness for you.
Towards that end, I would absolutely go with the noncommittal "mmm-hmm"-style answers. They're going to do and believe whatever they want, no matter what you say - so frame it in your head not as 'agreeing to get along/be polite,' but 'saving yourself from having to hear more about this crap.' I would pair this with frequent walks alone (this was how I've gotten through dealing with some excruciating people in the past) ... and if it gets really egregious, maybe start keeping a tally of how many times they make these comments, and decide you're going to donate a buck (or five, or ten) to the ACLU or SPLC for each one when you get home.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:18 AM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
Anything you say that seems to disagree with them, even passive-aggressively, opens the floor for argument. They're going to want to defend their positions, so telling them that you don't really care about their damn lawn or food choices or whatever is just asking them to tell you MORE about how swell they're being. I doubt very much you'll ever get them to reconsider their choices, so it would only serve to prolong the unpleasantness for you.
Towards that end, I would absolutely go with the noncommittal "mmm-hmm"-style answers. They're going to do and believe whatever they want, no matter what you say - so frame it in your head not as 'agreeing to get along/be polite,' but 'saving yourself from having to hear more about this crap.' I would pair this with frequent walks alone (this was how I've gotten through dealing with some excruciating people in the past) ... and if it gets really egregious, maybe start keeping a tally of how many times they make these comments, and decide you're going to donate a buck (or five, or ten) to the ACLU or SPLC for each one when you get home.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:18 AM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
1. "I'm glad you're so happy!"
2. Marijuana
posted by metasarah at 9:19 AM on July 27, 2017 [14 favorites]
2. Marijuana
posted by metasarah at 9:19 AM on July 27, 2017 [14 favorites]
Some of these suggestions seem satisfying in theory if life was a movie and nobody had feelings, but I think in practice I'd feel like a rude hypocrite if I basically bragged about my more "authentic" choices, superior moral code, and better taste.
Being on a high horse because of class trappings and being on a high horse because you think you're better than those trappings are not exactly the same but they're both obnoxious, and I know I'd feel like a jerk. They're not picking on you intentionally, so don't pick on them. If one of these not-so-cleverly-disguised barbs penetrated I don't think it would have a satisfying effect, and I wouldn't feel good about myself. Presumably if you have to spend time with these folks you have an interest in not making them feel bad.
posted by kapers at 9:21 AM on July 27, 2017 [20 favorites]
Being on a high horse because of class trappings and being on a high horse because you think you're better than those trappings are not exactly the same but they're both obnoxious, and I know I'd feel like a jerk. They're not picking on you intentionally, so don't pick on them. If one of these not-so-cleverly-disguised barbs penetrated I don't think it would have a satisfying effect, and I wouldn't feel good about myself. Presumably if you have to spend time with these folks you have an interest in not making them feel bad.
posted by kapers at 9:21 AM on July 27, 2017 [20 favorites]
They might appreciate you being honest with them if you do it low key.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 9:45 AM on July 27, 2017
posted by Mr. Yuck at 9:45 AM on July 27, 2017
This Ask response from the other day reminded me of one of my favorite solutions to impolite or otherwise unfortunate questions: the Miss Manners tactic! (Which looks pretty similar to many of the other response suggestions already here, actually!)
Rather than answering the horrible question you've actually been asked, answer the more polite one that you WISH they had asked instead. And then beandip right the heck away from that horrible topic if you can, because oh my god, these people sound insufferable.
"Don't you just love this place?"
"The weather does seem like it would be very agreeable. How much rain do you usually get?"
"Do you like our new custom golf cart? Aren't the seats nice? -more fishing for compliments-"
"What a fun and unconventional way to get around! Do you keep up with golf much?"
"Aren't we clever to have thought of sneaking into the non-profit museum instead of paying like some common pleib?"
"How fortunate you are to have such top notch cultural institutions so close by! I recently visited a museum myself...[MUSEUM STORY HERE]"
Of course, if that becomes too much effort after a day or two, I nth the suggestions to both get out of the house at regular intervals and start answering only in noncommittal monosyllables. My condolences--this sounds highly unpleasant.
posted by helloimjennsco at 10:05 AM on July 27, 2017 [12 favorites]
Rather than answering the horrible question you've actually been asked, answer the more polite one that you WISH they had asked instead. And then beandip right the heck away from that horrible topic if you can, because oh my god, these people sound insufferable.
"Don't you just love this place?"
"The weather does seem like it would be very agreeable. How much rain do you usually get?"
"Do you like our new custom golf cart? Aren't the seats nice? -more fishing for compliments-"
"What a fun and unconventional way to get around! Do you keep up with golf much?"
"Aren't we clever to have thought of sneaking into the non-profit museum instead of paying like some common pleib?"
"How fortunate you are to have such top notch cultural institutions so close by! I recently visited a museum myself...[MUSEUM STORY HERE]"
Of course, if that becomes too much effort after a day or two, I nth the suggestions to both get out of the house at regular intervals and start answering only in noncommittal monosyllables. My condolences--this sounds highly unpleasant.
posted by helloimjennsco at 10:05 AM on July 27, 2017 [12 favorites]
Read or listen to this book before you go: Solve for Happy. It has some really great ideas for how you can replace the negative/annoying thoughts with good ones. Like, everything has good and bad to it. Challenge yourself to be super curious and find one good thing about what they're saying whenever it starts to annoy you.
Also remember that, in all likelihood, they are not living there or doing these things AT you. In fact, I bet they didn't really take your feelings into consideration at all when they moved there (i.e., they didn't say, "let's move here just to make anonymous really pissed off").
It's possible, too, that they aren't really fishing for compliments. Is it possible that some of it is just meaningless banter? And that some of it might be an attempt to make you feel welcome and at home? Just because someone likes something you don't and then offers it to you or tells you that they like it doesn't mean that they're an awful person. I mean, my kid loves oatmeal cookies with raisins in them, of all things, but I don't get mad at her when she asks me, "Don't you want one of these cookies? They're so yummy!"
I know you can tell the difference, though, and if they are total blowhards and spend lots of time trying to get you to agree with them about this stuff then you can play it one of two ways. The first is to answer with very few words. Nothing gets them more than to say only "Yes" to a really long speech about how great their street is when they really want you to say that it's great and how great they are for buying a house there. Then just sit back and watch them fume about it. The other way is to one-up them without them knowing what you're doing: "Oh yeah, that golf cart is great. I saw one the other day with leather seats and a chauffer, too bad you couldn't get that one."
And just out of curiosity, what was the situation about watching that movie? Were you alone in the bedroom you were staying in? Were you in the living room watching it with your hosts? Or were you there watching it by yourself when your host pulled you away? Is it possible that they just didn't realize that you were that into it? Or that they themselves value human contact over watching tv and didn't realize that it would be an issue? That's a real generational thing that my mom can't get past so I just don't watch anything when she's around.
posted by dawkins_7 at 10:16 AM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
Also remember that, in all likelihood, they are not living there or doing these things AT you. In fact, I bet they didn't really take your feelings into consideration at all when they moved there (i.e., they didn't say, "let's move here just to make anonymous really pissed off").
It's possible, too, that they aren't really fishing for compliments. Is it possible that some of it is just meaningless banter? And that some of it might be an attempt to make you feel welcome and at home? Just because someone likes something you don't and then offers it to you or tells you that they like it doesn't mean that they're an awful person. I mean, my kid loves oatmeal cookies with raisins in them, of all things, but I don't get mad at her when she asks me, "Don't you want one of these cookies? They're so yummy!"
I know you can tell the difference, though, and if they are total blowhards and spend lots of time trying to get you to agree with them about this stuff then you can play it one of two ways. The first is to answer with very few words. Nothing gets them more than to say only "Yes" to a really long speech about how great their street is when they really want you to say that it's great and how great they are for buying a house there. Then just sit back and watch them fume about it. The other way is to one-up them without them knowing what you're doing: "Oh yeah, that golf cart is great. I saw one the other day with leather seats and a chauffer, too bad you couldn't get that one."
And just out of curiosity, what was the situation about watching that movie? Were you alone in the bedroom you were staying in? Were you in the living room watching it with your hosts? Or were you there watching it by yourself when your host pulled you away? Is it possible that they just didn't realize that you were that into it? Or that they themselves value human contact over watching tv and didn't realize that it would be an issue? That's a real generational thing that my mom can't get past so I just don't watch anything when she's around.
posted by dawkins_7 at 10:16 AM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
We in the Midwest are pretty good at this sort of vague non-statement. I would morph into my grandma immediately.
"Yep, looks pretty nice."
"Not half bad!"
"Mhmm!"
These are useful in response to over-the-top statements like "Don't you just LOVE IT" and "Isn't this just SUBLIME?!"
Look at this custom golf cart/Rolex/marble countertops, don't you like it? Isn't it great?
"Pretty fancy..." (in the Midwest, this is not really a compliment)
"Oh, well, I've never really been one for golf. But I'm glad you like it."
"Oh, well, I'm not an expert on that sort of thing."
"Yes, that color/shade/finish/fabric's really popular right now!" (makes them vaguely feel like they've jumped onto a bandwagon)
"You've certainly been blessed." (credits their fortune or generosity to luck/God/the universe, not their own smarts or work, but they can't argue against it)
"Well, isn't that something."
"How about that!"
"Quite the setup you've got here!"
You can also compliment things that give no credit to their life choices.
Isn't this place just heaven? "What a nice day." "Gorgeous sunset." "The moon is beautiful tonight!" "It's great to be alive."
Wasn't it nice of us to ask the waitress about her kids/try out a Mexican phrase on the gardener/invite the pool boy inside for tea?
"Yes, they work so hard."
"They certainly keep this place running."
"She seemed very kind."
"I don't know how they do it all!"
posted by castlebravo at 11:11 AM on July 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
"Yep, looks pretty nice."
"Not half bad!"
"Mhmm!"
These are useful in response to over-the-top statements like "Don't you just LOVE IT" and "Isn't this just SUBLIME?!"
Look at this custom golf cart/Rolex/marble countertops, don't you like it? Isn't it great?
"Pretty fancy..." (in the Midwest, this is not really a compliment)
"Oh, well, I've never really been one for golf. But I'm glad you like it."
"Oh, well, I'm not an expert on that sort of thing."
"Yes, that color/shade/finish/fabric's really popular right now!" (makes them vaguely feel like they've jumped onto a bandwagon)
"You've certainly been blessed." (credits their fortune or generosity to luck/God/the universe, not their own smarts or work, but they can't argue against it)
"Well, isn't that something."
"How about that!"
"Quite the setup you've got here!"
You can also compliment things that give no credit to their life choices.
Isn't this place just heaven? "What a nice day." "Gorgeous sunset." "The moon is beautiful tonight!" "It's great to be alive."
Wasn't it nice of us to ask the waitress about her kids/try out a Mexican phrase on the gardener/invite the pool boy inside for tea?
"Yes, they work so hard."
"They certainly keep this place running."
"She seemed very kind."
"I don't know how they do it all!"
posted by castlebravo at 11:11 AM on July 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
I am so curious about why you have to visit these people!
I would have to make it a game to answer their questions the way a sitcom writer would write it with non answers completely derailing their fishing expedition and if possible some very subtle shade.
Look at this place. I mean, don't you just love it? Isn't it just heaven?
-That is SUCH an interesting question! What do you think heaven really is anyway? I have this theory that heaven, and hell too actually, are a unique experience tailored to the person experiencing it. Like for me, heaven is a tiny house near a Caribbean beach and hell is a flight of families on the way back from a Disney resort. It is interesting that this community is your version of heaven! Say! Have you seen the show The Good Place? It is a show that starts out as people who have led really good lives being in heaven after they die. Only, GET THIS! It turns out that they are actually in hell! :-O
I'm so glad we asked the pool guy in for coffee after his shift. It must have made his whole day to have such a nice invitation.
-Oh, how nice for you to have gotten to chat with him! What is his name? Where is he from? OH, did you serve sustainably grown coffee? That is sooooo important to serve sustainably grown coffee!
Look, this is the new custom golf cart we ordered. Do you like the seats? Isn't it nice?
-OMG, you have a golf cart?!?! Can I drive it? Let's go! I have always wanted to go careening around in a golf cart! Can we race the neighbors? I KNOW you got the top of the line, fastest, most powerful model and we'll totally smoke them!
What do you think of the kitchen remodel? Didn't it turn out well?
-I.... just.... these drawer handles. I love them. They really pull the whole kitchen together.
I think 2 takeout entrees is plenty for 6 people, don't you? It doesn't make sense to waste food.
-Ohhh, nooo, I think the correct ratio is the number of people PLUS and extra entree to make sure all the guests get enough to eat! Plus!! You have this fabulous new kitchen with that amazing refrigerator! If there happened to be any leftovers they will keep in the fridge!
Ugh, I could never stay home and play babysitter like that. I've raised my children, thank God.
-How are your children? How is InsertNameHere's career? Do they visit often? Oh their kids must LOVE your little slice of heaven! What is OtherChild'sName up too these days? I mean, they must love coming to visit what with that lovely and well maintained pool you have!!
I could go on all day.....
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 11:24 AM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
I would have to make it a game to answer their questions the way a sitcom writer would write it with non answers completely derailing their fishing expedition and if possible some very subtle shade.
Look at this place. I mean, don't you just love it? Isn't it just heaven?
-That is SUCH an interesting question! What do you think heaven really is anyway? I have this theory that heaven, and hell too actually, are a unique experience tailored to the person experiencing it. Like for me, heaven is a tiny house near a Caribbean beach and hell is a flight of families on the way back from a Disney resort. It is interesting that this community is your version of heaven! Say! Have you seen the show The Good Place? It is a show that starts out as people who have led really good lives being in heaven after they die. Only, GET THIS! It turns out that they are actually in hell! :-O
I'm so glad we asked the pool guy in for coffee after his shift. It must have made his whole day to have such a nice invitation.
-Oh, how nice for you to have gotten to chat with him! What is his name? Where is he from? OH, did you serve sustainably grown coffee? That is sooooo important to serve sustainably grown coffee!
Look, this is the new custom golf cart we ordered. Do you like the seats? Isn't it nice?
-OMG, you have a golf cart?!?! Can I drive it? Let's go! I have always wanted to go careening around in a golf cart! Can we race the neighbors? I KNOW you got the top of the line, fastest, most powerful model and we'll totally smoke them!
What do you think of the kitchen remodel? Didn't it turn out well?
-I.... just.... these drawer handles. I love them. They really pull the whole kitchen together.
I think 2 takeout entrees is plenty for 6 people, don't you? It doesn't make sense to waste food.
-Ohhh, nooo, I think the correct ratio is the number of people PLUS and extra entree to make sure all the guests get enough to eat! Plus!! You have this fabulous new kitchen with that amazing refrigerator! If there happened to be any leftovers they will keep in the fridge!
Ugh, I could never stay home and play babysitter like that. I've raised my children, thank God.
-How are your children? How is InsertNameHere's career? Do they visit often? Oh their kids must LOVE your little slice of heaven! What is OtherChild'sName up too these days? I mean, they must love coming to visit what with that lovely and well maintained pool you have!!
I could go on all day.....
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 11:24 AM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
If you listen to podcasts, I suggest you listen to this week's Dear Prudence podcast - they had a long conversation about how to politely deal with people saying rude or inappropriate things. The general takeaway is that you don't have to play along! You don't have to tell them they're horrible people or get into a shouting match, but you also are under no obligation to give them the response they are looking for.
I like the advice above to say a lot of "mmmm" or give non-agreeing but bland answers, like "don't you love the grass?" "yeah, a lot of people do enjoy grass, don't they?" "Isn't it terrible that those poor people have to live in condos?" "They're so cute though." I also think it's fine to just non-confrontationally disagree: "Oh no, I think I'd actually prefer to live in the condos, less to clean" or whatever.
The reason I think it's important to do this is that it sounds like these people will continue to be a presence in your life, and this is a way to subtly begin training them to not expect affirmation from you. It might take a while, but if they don't get the reaction they want from you, their behavior will change over time.
Of course, the frustration in the meantime might make them dislike you - it's not fair, but it might. Do you need these people on your side for some reason? If they're just people you need to be able to keep a civil relationship with then, be aware that they might talk shit behind your back about your responses to them - but the beauty of this approach is that you really won't be giving them much to work with.
posted by lunasol at 11:48 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
I like the advice above to say a lot of "mmmm" or give non-agreeing but bland answers, like "don't you love the grass?" "yeah, a lot of people do enjoy grass, don't they?" "Isn't it terrible that those poor people have to live in condos?" "They're so cute though." I also think it's fine to just non-confrontationally disagree: "Oh no, I think I'd actually prefer to live in the condos, less to clean" or whatever.
The reason I think it's important to do this is that it sounds like these people will continue to be a presence in your life, and this is a way to subtly begin training them to not expect affirmation from you. It might take a while, but if they don't get the reaction they want from you, their behavior will change over time.
Of course, the frustration in the meantime might make them dislike you - it's not fair, but it might. Do you need these people on your side for some reason? If they're just people you need to be able to keep a civil relationship with then, be aware that they might talk shit behind your back about your responses to them - but the beauty of this approach is that you really won't be giving them much to work with.
posted by lunasol at 11:48 AM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
And don't forget the all-purpose "of course you do."
I just love it here! (of course you do)
I just love our new golf cart (of course you do)
We just treated our pool boy to coffee inside our house (of course you did)
We think this is just heaven (of course you do)
said in a bright, cheery way, of course
posted by MovableBookLady at 12:48 PM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
I just love it here! (of course you do)
I just love our new golf cart (of course you do)
We just treated our pool boy to coffee inside our house (of course you did)
We think this is just heaven (of course you do)
said in a bright, cheery way, of course
posted by MovableBookLady at 12:48 PM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
Wow, I'd be a lot more passive aggressive than a lot of people here, I'd immediately go to "My, how wonderful for you!" (with an ever so slight and totally deniable tone of condescension) and "Ah, yes, it's very nice, if you like that sort of thing!" (You are wrong to like that sort of thing.)
""Ugh, I could never stay home and play babysitter like that. I've raised my children, thank God.""
"How lucky that no one asked you to, then!" (or, bigger guns, "You're so lucky that nobody would ever think to ask you to!")
"I'm so glad we asked the pool guy in for coffee after his shift. It must have made his whole day to have such a nice invitation.""
In a tone as if you're agreeing, "Yes, he must spend so much of his day dealing with people with more money than sense!"
"the paupers who only live in the condo section of the community"
"I was talking to one of the condo ladies by the pool today, and she and her husband just got back from a luxury river cruise on the Rhine! They were so smart to buy a smaller house for their retirement, so much less upkeep to fuss over and so much more money for luxuries!" (subtext: even the people you think are poor have more money than you)
""Look at this place. I mean, don't you just love it? Isn't it just heaven?" "
"Eh, it's not really my sort of thing." -- throwing in honest underwhelmedness here and there helps keep them from catching on to the passive-aggressive praise.
Subtle sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness can be very calming, I find, if you're amusing yourself with your snark.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:26 PM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
""Ugh, I could never stay home and play babysitter like that. I've raised my children, thank God.""
"How lucky that no one asked you to, then!" (or, bigger guns, "You're so lucky that nobody would ever think to ask you to!")
"I'm so glad we asked the pool guy in for coffee after his shift. It must have made his whole day to have such a nice invitation.""
In a tone as if you're agreeing, "Yes, he must spend so much of his day dealing with people with more money than sense!"
"the paupers who only live in the condo section of the community"
"I was talking to one of the condo ladies by the pool today, and she and her husband just got back from a luxury river cruise on the Rhine! They were so smart to buy a smaller house for their retirement, so much less upkeep to fuss over and so much more money for luxuries!" (subtext: even the people you think are poor have more money than you)
""Look at this place. I mean, don't you just love it? Isn't it just heaven?" "
"Eh, it's not really my sort of thing." -- throwing in honest underwhelmedness here and there helps keep them from catching on to the passive-aggressive praise.
Subtle sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness can be very calming, I find, if you're amusing yourself with your snark.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:26 PM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
I suspect my answer to almost anything during these interactions would be, "How nice for you."
posted by blurker at 2:41 PM on July 27, 2017
posted by blurker at 2:41 PM on July 27, 2017
Also, Eyebrows McGee, come sit over here by me. :)
posted by blurker at 2:42 PM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by blurker at 2:42 PM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
One thing you can do is schedule some things you have to do during the visit.
Love this idea. Time to take up a macrophotography hobby, or a keen interest in food they don't like. Or the need to shop for fishing gear and/or undergarments. Or the need to buy cards and gifts for so and so. Or a quick road trip to see the giant ball of yarn two hours away. Or bird watching. Anything to get a break and get away for a while.
posted by cnc at 3:31 PM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Love this idea. Time to take up a macrophotography hobby, or a keen interest in food they don't like. Or the need to shop for fishing gear and/or undergarments. Or the need to buy cards and gifts for so and so. Or a quick road trip to see the giant ball of yarn two hours away. Or bird watching. Anything to get a break and get away for a while.
posted by cnc at 3:31 PM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
These people sound like my parents, and part of the reason for their behavior is Narcissism, and part of it is how they learned to deal with trauma in the past. It irritates the ever living crap out of me every time, even though I have dealt with this behavior forever. So you really have my sympathy.
One thing that does help me, is bringing along my partner on trips to see my family. At the end of the day partner and I can decompress and talk about how ridiculous their shenanigans are and it makes this stuff feel less irritating because it sort of shrinks down its importance. If that makes sense. So definitely find somebody with whom you can commiserate. Preferably someone who has a very "don't sweat the small stuff" attitude.
The other thing that has helped me is kinda a Jedi mind trick: try to replace judgment in your mind with empathy. Right now you are judging their statements as disgusting, bad, etc.... These judgments may be accurate, but they are actually just making you feel worse. You will have much more peace of mind by attempting empathetic thoughts. Like "the Gs lived in poverty for so long, they must really be enjoying this respite from that." Or "they must feel very fortunate for living in such posh digs." I am stretching here for examples, and I know it is hard, but once you get the hang of it this will help your peace of mind so much! You will feel like you are on their side instead of at odds with them, and everyone gets to keep feeling good. Like when my parents are total braggarts, I remember their upbringing and how traumatic it was for them and am grateful they now feel secure enough to brag about themselves, even if it comes from a place of insecurity.
Hope this helps! Feel free to PM me with horror stories or whatever.
posted by shalom at 6:51 PM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
One thing that does help me, is bringing along my partner on trips to see my family. At the end of the day partner and I can decompress and talk about how ridiculous their shenanigans are and it makes this stuff feel less irritating because it sort of shrinks down its importance. If that makes sense. So definitely find somebody with whom you can commiserate. Preferably someone who has a very "don't sweat the small stuff" attitude.
The other thing that has helped me is kinda a Jedi mind trick: try to replace judgment in your mind with empathy. Right now you are judging their statements as disgusting, bad, etc.... These judgments may be accurate, but they are actually just making you feel worse. You will have much more peace of mind by attempting empathetic thoughts. Like "the Gs lived in poverty for so long, they must really be enjoying this respite from that." Or "they must feel very fortunate for living in such posh digs." I am stretching here for examples, and I know it is hard, but once you get the hang of it this will help your peace of mind so much! You will feel like you are on their side instead of at odds with them, and everyone gets to keep feeling good. Like when my parents are total braggarts, I remember their upbringing and how traumatic it was for them and am grateful they now feel secure enough to brag about themselves, even if it comes from a place of insecurity.
Hope this helps! Feel free to PM me with horror stories or whatever.
posted by shalom at 6:51 PM on July 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
A tactic for when you just need to put them off for a moment and want a noncomittal stock phrase that works: "Yes, a lot of people really like those."
It can be varied and adjusted almost infinitely to suit any situation in which someone is seeking validation. It acknowledges their statement in a positive way without requiring you to imply that you share their values or approve of their behavior or beliefs. It is nonconfrontational and difficult to object to. If you use the right tone it is also very disarming.
I'm not saying that the above is your total solution or anything, but it's a tactic worrh keeping in your toolbelt.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:09 PM on July 27, 2017
It can be varied and adjusted almost infinitely to suit any situation in which someone is seeking validation. It acknowledges their statement in a positive way without requiring you to imply that you share their values or approve of their behavior or beliefs. It is nonconfrontational and difficult to object to. If you use the right tone it is also very disarming.
I'm not saying that the above is your total solution or anything, but it's a tactic worrh keeping in your toolbelt.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:09 PM on July 27, 2017
("Look at this place. I mean, don't you just love it? Isn't it just heaven?" was literally something said to me after pulling me away from a movie in progress to gaze out the front door at their unremarkable street)
You don't have to lie. but you do have to spend your visit suppressing your anger that, for example, people whose guest you are expect you to be more interested in them while you're there than in a movie you're watching. they don't think that's rude and honestly, neither do I.
if they make an announcement that's not a question, you don't have to offer a compliment just because they seem to want one. there is always room for the shocked "Oh!" interspersed with as many surprised "Oh, do you think so?"s and bland "That's interesting"s as you feel like.
but you do have to be nice about peoples' homes and lifestyles if you're willing to be their house guest. When you hate people and they persist in talking to you as though you like them and enjoy their company, it builds up an absolutely amazing amount of suppressed rage. in me, anyway. but they don't know you hate them! if they thought about it, they would probably take your acceptance of their invitation to visit as proof that you don't feel this way, and they are entitled to. you can tell an awful person that they're awful, and I support this, it's usually a good idea. you just can't do it while accepting their hospitality, unless it's the last thing you say before you storm out.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:00 PM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
You don't have to lie. but you do have to spend your visit suppressing your anger that, for example, people whose guest you are expect you to be more interested in them while you're there than in a movie you're watching. they don't think that's rude and honestly, neither do I.
if they make an announcement that's not a question, you don't have to offer a compliment just because they seem to want one. there is always room for the shocked "Oh!" interspersed with as many surprised "Oh, do you think so?"s and bland "That's interesting"s as you feel like.
but you do have to be nice about peoples' homes and lifestyles if you're willing to be their house guest. When you hate people and they persist in talking to you as though you like them and enjoy their company, it builds up an absolutely amazing amount of suppressed rage. in me, anyway. but they don't know you hate them! if they thought about it, they would probably take your acceptance of their invitation to visit as proof that you don't feel this way, and they are entitled to. you can tell an awful person that they're awful, and I support this, it's usually a good idea. you just can't do it while accepting their hospitality, unless it's the last thing you say before you storm out.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:00 PM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
I dunno man. I think these sound like people who desperately want love, connection, and validation and who also have no idea how to get those things from you.
A lot of these seem like pretty desperate conversational gambits for people who really don't have a lot going on in their lives, for themselves, and/or do not know how to connect with you on a deeper level.
I know this shit is annoying and boring but maybe they find whatever stuff you talk about annoying and boring too? Or do you just generally avoid talking to them? If you do it probably makes it even harder for them to think of stuff to say. They obviously want to impress you, maybe they're even intimidated by you. Throw them a bone, you know?
Don't fake polite interest long enough that you start to seem like you hate them and don't do that passive aggressive shit where you're just trying to make them feel worse. You're better than that man.
Redirect their gambits into something you can be interested in, find stuff to be excited about and interested in, start the conversation about stuff you want to talk about, take charge instead of passively being led around and being upset about where you end up. When these people tell you all this braggy shit they are trying to ask you something about themselves, about who they are inside, I mean maybe they are fishing for compliments but maybe they are just asking to be seen, you know? Maybe they're the kind who don't hand over the reins easily and this might be tough but you could tussle for a little conversational control right? At least it would be something different.
Is there some reason why you can't be honest about your feelings- tell them you don't understand why they think or feel something and then listen. Tell them you don't really like their golf course that much. Etc. You can be nice to them and still disagree, they aren't going to hunt you down and eat you right?
posted by windykites at 8:04 PM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
A lot of these seem like pretty desperate conversational gambits for people who really don't have a lot going on in their lives, for themselves, and/or do not know how to connect with you on a deeper level.
I know this shit is annoying and boring but maybe they find whatever stuff you talk about annoying and boring too? Or do you just generally avoid talking to them? If you do it probably makes it even harder for them to think of stuff to say. They obviously want to impress you, maybe they're even intimidated by you. Throw them a bone, you know?
Don't fake polite interest long enough that you start to seem like you hate them and don't do that passive aggressive shit where you're just trying to make them feel worse. You're better than that man.
Redirect their gambits into something you can be interested in, find stuff to be excited about and interested in, start the conversation about stuff you want to talk about, take charge instead of passively being led around and being upset about where you end up. When these people tell you all this braggy shit they are trying to ask you something about themselves, about who they are inside, I mean maybe they are fishing for compliments but maybe they are just asking to be seen, you know? Maybe they're the kind who don't hand over the reins easily and this might be tough but you could tussle for a little conversational control right? At least it would be something different.
Is there some reason why you can't be honest about your feelings- tell them you don't understand why they think or feel something and then listen. Tell them you don't really like their golf course that much. Etc. You can be nice to them and still disagree, they aren't going to hunt you down and eat you right?
posted by windykites at 8:04 PM on July 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
Turn it into a drinking game.
Concealed on your person you must have a hip flask filled with hard liquor. You are allowed to take swigs of liquor when certain key words and phrases emerge. For example, "golf cart" is one swig. "Pool boy" is three swigs. "Kitchen remodel" is eight swigs. "Takeout entrees" requires you to drink the whole flask and refill. And so on.
Of course you will end up really drunk. Take this opportunity to throw up all over their golf equipment or whatever. Then leave.
posted by Pechorin at 6:27 AM on July 29, 2017
Concealed on your person you must have a hip flask filled with hard liquor. You are allowed to take swigs of liquor when certain key words and phrases emerge. For example, "golf cart" is one swig. "Pool boy" is three swigs. "Kitchen remodel" is eight swigs. "Takeout entrees" requires you to drink the whole flask and refill. And so on.
Of course you will end up really drunk. Take this opportunity to throw up all over their golf equipment or whatever. Then leave.
posted by Pechorin at 6:27 AM on July 29, 2017
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- Yes, I can understand how some people appreciate this lifestyle, though I personally prefer something less maincured and more intellectually stimulating. Golf has never interested me.
- The people who keep up this property must work very hard to keep it looking so nice. Did you hear that we just passed a $15 minimum wage in my state. I think it's really important that everyone feels their work is respected and has a fair wage.
- Hmmm...I don't know much about golf-carts/kitchen finishes. As long as family get to connect with each other that's what matters to me.
- Wow, I think those condos look nice and so much easier to not have to worry about all the space and the burden of all that stuff to maintain.
Yes, I admit it. My suggestions are totally passive aggressive. But boy it would feel good to undermine that smugness. And truly, I do think people should be called on that kind of shitty behavior in whatever way possible.
posted by brookeb at 7:52 AM on July 27, 2017 [21 favorites]