The ladies choice
January 6, 2018 7:09 PM Subscribe
How do I choose bridesmaids when I have MANY women who are extremely important to me from different stages of my life?
I know that I’m putting the cart waaaaaaayyyyyy before the horse (and engagement is still probably 2-3 years away) but many of my friends are getting married and this problem actually gives me a fair amount of anxiety.
Relevant information:
- I’m a 29 year old cis-het woman in America
- I have one biological sister (she’s 10 years older and I was her only bridesmaid when she was married) and two sisters in law (all older and likely happier to not be a bridesmaid but would if that’s what I wanted). My theoretical fiancé has one sister who is around my age and I’d invite to be part of the bridal party.
- I’ve recently been a maid of honor for a childhood friend I don’t feel all that close to but we’re on good terms and have been part of important parts of each other’s lives (clearly, I was her MOH).
- I’ll be a bridesmaid for a friend this April who is a much newer but fairly close friend
- I have many friends who have expressed that they’d want me to be a part of their wedding if they ever got married (but may never will or it’s a long way off)
- I hate how much bridesmaids are expected to spend and I don’t want to guilt people into dresses they won’t wear again or pay for expensive plane tickets (but it would also really mean a lot to be to have them at a bachelorette and the wedding)
- I think what’s great about a bachelorette is that it’s time to really hang out with one another which there just isn’t time for during the actual wedding.
- many of my friends are 1-3 people from “eras” of my life (when I lived in a certain region of the country, high school, college, etc) so at most they know about 2 other people but most don’t really know each other.
- friends live across the country. I’m currently in NC and they live everyone from California to NJ to GAand everywhere in between.
-Friends and friendship are the most important thing to me. I’d be happy if my tombstone simply read “a good friend.”
- What I liked most about being a bridesmaid and what I hope other people would do for me is being in a fun group together. All my friends are from different groups and getting everyone together sounds amazing (low key bachelorette in a beach house, getting ready together the day of, etc). The fun of important moments is sharing them with others. It would make me sad to get my hair and make up done by myself (or just with my sister when friends have beeen much more “there” for me over the years.
- I don’t have one best friend. They’re all just best friends from different times of my life. I keep in touch with them all regularly.
- all in all I probably have about 12 women who would be on my list of people to pick as bridesmaids. There’s no clear “definitely these 4 and maybe the other 8.”
- Some of those potential bridesmaids are already married, some have kids, some are a toss up. I’m not sure how that affects the “etiquette” of choosing.
- I have a crappy memory and photos are important to me. Is there a classy way to say “this group of 15 wedding guests come take a photo but not others? (Especially when it isn’t as simple as “all UNIVERSITY alums come here!”) it seems to shout “THESE are my friends and thanks for spending a bunch to come to my wedding but you’re not THIS close with me”
- My partner and I would want a quick ceremony ( seriously, under 10 minutes) so there would be a MAX of 2 readers... which may include people from his family.)
- I’d prefer to have my friends be bridesmaids than family if it came down to it. I wouldn’t be jazzed to have only my sister, two sisters in law and future sister in law up there with me. Some friends are family and need to be up there too.
I know this seems like a ridiculous thing to worry about when it seems so far off but it’s really something that I’ve given a lot of thought to. I don’t think that these friendships (some which span decades) are likely to change anytime soon or not be an issue in 2-3 years.
Questions:
- How do I choose bridesmaids out of all these phenomenal friends? (I don’t think a 12 person bridesmaid option is a good one. I think it would have to be a max of 6?)
- Is there a good way to break down other activities to include others? Would you be hurt to be invited to a bachelorette (halfway) across the country but not be a bridesmaid? Would you come to such an event (friends span the financial spectrum). What would make you come to that AND fly back again for a wedding (I need too much sleep to be able to do a bachelorette the week or night before a wedding)
- how do you handle not inviting people whose weddings you were in to be bridesmaids? (Aka you were in theirs they won’t be in yours)
Thank you for your help
I know that I’m putting the cart waaaaaaayyyyyy before the horse (and engagement is still probably 2-3 years away) but many of my friends are getting married and this problem actually gives me a fair amount of anxiety.
Relevant information:
- I’m a 29 year old cis-het woman in America
- I have one biological sister (she’s 10 years older and I was her only bridesmaid when she was married) and two sisters in law (all older and likely happier to not be a bridesmaid but would if that’s what I wanted). My theoretical fiancé has one sister who is around my age and I’d invite to be part of the bridal party.
- I’ve recently been a maid of honor for a childhood friend I don’t feel all that close to but we’re on good terms and have been part of important parts of each other’s lives (clearly, I was her MOH).
- I’ll be a bridesmaid for a friend this April who is a much newer but fairly close friend
- I have many friends who have expressed that they’d want me to be a part of their wedding if they ever got married (but may never will or it’s a long way off)
- I hate how much bridesmaids are expected to spend and I don’t want to guilt people into dresses they won’t wear again or pay for expensive plane tickets (but it would also really mean a lot to be to have them at a bachelorette and the wedding)
- I think what’s great about a bachelorette is that it’s time to really hang out with one another which there just isn’t time for during the actual wedding.
- many of my friends are 1-3 people from “eras” of my life (when I lived in a certain region of the country, high school, college, etc) so at most they know about 2 other people but most don’t really know each other.
- friends live across the country. I’m currently in NC and they live everyone from California to NJ to GAand everywhere in between.
-Friends and friendship are the most important thing to me. I’d be happy if my tombstone simply read “a good friend.”
- What I liked most about being a bridesmaid and what I hope other people would do for me is being in a fun group together. All my friends are from different groups and getting everyone together sounds amazing (low key bachelorette in a beach house, getting ready together the day of, etc). The fun of important moments is sharing them with others. It would make me sad to get my hair and make up done by myself (or just with my sister when friends have beeen much more “there” for me over the years.
- I don’t have one best friend. They’re all just best friends from different times of my life. I keep in touch with them all regularly.
- all in all I probably have about 12 women who would be on my list of people to pick as bridesmaids. There’s no clear “definitely these 4 and maybe the other 8.”
- Some of those potential bridesmaids are already married, some have kids, some are a toss up. I’m not sure how that affects the “etiquette” of choosing.
- I have a crappy memory and photos are important to me. Is there a classy way to say “this group of 15 wedding guests come take a photo but not others? (Especially when it isn’t as simple as “all UNIVERSITY alums come here!”) it seems to shout “THESE are my friends and thanks for spending a bunch to come to my wedding but you’re not THIS close with me”
- My partner and I would want a quick ceremony ( seriously, under 10 minutes) so there would be a MAX of 2 readers... which may include people from his family.)
- I’d prefer to have my friends be bridesmaids than family if it came down to it. I wouldn’t be jazzed to have only my sister, two sisters in law and future sister in law up there with me. Some friends are family and need to be up there too.
I know this seems like a ridiculous thing to worry about when it seems so far off but it’s really something that I’ve given a lot of thought to. I don’t think that these friendships (some which span decades) are likely to change anytime soon or not be an issue in 2-3 years.
Questions:
- How do I choose bridesmaids out of all these phenomenal friends? (I don’t think a 12 person bridesmaid option is a good one. I think it would have to be a max of 6?)
- Is there a good way to break down other activities to include others? Would you be hurt to be invited to a bachelorette (halfway) across the country but not be a bridesmaid? Would you come to such an event (friends span the financial spectrum). What would make you come to that AND fly back again for a wedding (I need too much sleep to be able to do a bachelorette the week or night before a wedding)
- how do you handle not inviting people whose weddings you were in to be bridesmaids? (Aka you were in theirs they won’t be in yours)
Thank you for your help
Hermione has it. Just don't do bridesmaids. I'm not entirely sure that many people really enjoy being bridesmaids that much but they do like weddings.
I'll also echo lalex on the changing nature of friendships. Once people settle into their 30s, friendships decrease in importance in my experience. And some of those friendships fade away. With kids in particular, social lives totally change, especially regarding going out. People have less money and aren't willing to spring for a sitter that often. People also become more into spending time with their significant others. Not to be a downer, but I'd bet that some of these super important people will become noticeably less important soon.
posted by k8t at 7:50 PM on January 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'll also echo lalex on the changing nature of friendships. Once people settle into their 30s, friendships decrease in importance in my experience. And some of those friendships fade away. With kids in particular, social lives totally change, especially regarding going out. People have less money and aren't willing to spring for a sitter that often. People also become more into spending time with their significant others. Not to be a downer, but I'd bet that some of these super important people will become noticeably less important soon.
posted by k8t at 7:50 PM on January 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
+1 to what Herminone Granger said!
I also had a large suite for "getting ready" on the day of, and invited a rather large number of friends and family to come by and hang out. A bunch spent most of the day hanging out, others just stopped by for a short bit, etc.
We also did a massive "head table" with about 30 people sitting around it. I think the people at the hotel thought we were nuts but it was AWESOME.
posted by avocado_of_merriment at 7:51 PM on January 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
I also had a large suite for "getting ready" on the day of, and invited a rather large number of friends and family to come by and hang out. A bunch spent most of the day hanging out, others just stopped by for a short bit, etc.
We also did a massive "head table" with about 30 people sitting around it. I think the people at the hotel thought we were nuts but it was AWESOME.
posted by avocado_of_merriment at 7:51 PM on January 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't worry about people needing to be official "bridesmaids" in order to do the other things with you like attending a bachelorette party, getting ready together, or taking photos. If anything, this opens up people to be able to do more travelling since they won't need to be purchasing a specific dress/shoes for your wedding and can instead just wear something they already own.
Just from my own experience, I only had two attendants but invited a much larger group to the bachelorette party (night before the wedding), and a medium-sized group over to my parents' house to all get ready together. I did not do "one big photo with all my female friends", but definitely easily could have done so. My photographer asked in advance about specific photos I wanted to make sure she got, and I did have some things in there like "college friends," "friends from when I lived in X city" etc. If you wanted to do a girlfriends one you certainly could, or if you wanted to do different ones for different parts of your life that's also doable. Your photographer can help you strategize as to whether it will be easier to ask these folks to stay back after the ceremony, or just catch the photos during the reception.
What would make you come to that AND fly back again for a wedding (I need too much sleep to be able to do a bachelorette the week or night before a wedding)
Honestly, I wouldn't (sorry!). I have never gone to a separate bachelorette party that required an extra flight/cost in addition to a wedding. It's never been for lack of loving the women in question, but when I was younger I simply could not afford to do it, and now that I have a young child, that adds a whole other layer of complication that would make it difficult. For me, paying for the flight/hotel/other costs of attending a wedding is the limit of what I can do for friends, and adding in a totally separate expensive trip has never been in the cards for me.
That said, obviously many people do successfully organize these types of events! I would invite who you want to invite to the sort of thing you want to host, but then let go of expectations that everyone can/will make it. Especially for people who don't have unlimited finances/vacation time and/or have kids, it's a BIG ask and an inability to attend is in no way a referendum on how much people like you.
If you want the largest group possible, I recommend doing it the night before the wedding (or at most two nights before) -- it does NOT necessarily need to be a huge up-until-2-am-drinking-heavily sort of event. You could do something like a pizza party or a champagne toast with silly hats and board games or all watch a movie together or something else that is low key and won't rob you of sleep. You could also do a destination bachelorette with those who can make it, and a bigger get-together right before the wedding that's less drinking/late night-heavy.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:10 PM on January 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
Just from my own experience, I only had two attendants but invited a much larger group to the bachelorette party (night before the wedding), and a medium-sized group over to my parents' house to all get ready together. I did not do "one big photo with all my female friends", but definitely easily could have done so. My photographer asked in advance about specific photos I wanted to make sure she got, and I did have some things in there like "college friends," "friends from when I lived in X city" etc. If you wanted to do a girlfriends one you certainly could, or if you wanted to do different ones for different parts of your life that's also doable. Your photographer can help you strategize as to whether it will be easier to ask these folks to stay back after the ceremony, or just catch the photos during the reception.
What would make you come to that AND fly back again for a wedding (I need too much sleep to be able to do a bachelorette the week or night before a wedding)
Honestly, I wouldn't (sorry!). I have never gone to a separate bachelorette party that required an extra flight/cost in addition to a wedding. It's never been for lack of loving the women in question, but when I was younger I simply could not afford to do it, and now that I have a young child, that adds a whole other layer of complication that would make it difficult. For me, paying for the flight/hotel/other costs of attending a wedding is the limit of what I can do for friends, and adding in a totally separate expensive trip has never been in the cards for me.
That said, obviously many people do successfully organize these types of events! I would invite who you want to invite to the sort of thing you want to host, but then let go of expectations that everyone can/will make it. Especially for people who don't have unlimited finances/vacation time and/or have kids, it's a BIG ask and an inability to attend is in no way a referendum on how much people like you.
If you want the largest group possible, I recommend doing it the night before the wedding (or at most two nights before) -- it does NOT necessarily need to be a huge up-until-2-am-drinking-heavily sort of event. You could do something like a pizza party or a champagne toast with silly hats and board games or all watch a movie together or something else that is low key and won't rob you of sleep. You could also do a destination bachelorette with those who can make it, and a bigger get-together right before the wedding that's less drinking/late night-heavy.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:10 PM on January 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
I largely agree with the comments above, but also, you know what? It's your (theoretical) wedding, so guess what? If you and your future fiancé are OK with it, it is totally okay for you to have 12 bridesmaids if there are 12 people you'd want in your wedding party.
If you're nervous about how much they'd need to spend (which is a good and important thing to be thinking about!), you can be very explicit in your expectations to these people--there's no law saying they MUST wear special matching dresses, for example. Your wedding! Your rules!
There's also no law saying your bridesmaids MUST attend your bachelorette party, so if it's that important to include people in your wedding party and you definitely don't want your bachelorette party to be held too close to your wedding, you should think about what it really is that you would want most from this group of friends. You talked a lot about how great it would be to have everyone together in one group, spending time together, for example--but given your friends' various life circumstances, the experience you've described is probably going to be out of reach for at least a few of these people (plane tickets are expensive, not everyone can take time off work, etc. etc.). Since you've expressed concern not overburdening your friends financially, I'm sure you can appreciate that!
posted by duffell at 8:19 PM on January 6, 2018 [7 favorites]
If you're nervous about how much they'd need to spend (which is a good and important thing to be thinking about!), you can be very explicit in your expectations to these people--there's no law saying they MUST wear special matching dresses, for example. Your wedding! Your rules!
There's also no law saying your bridesmaids MUST attend your bachelorette party, so if it's that important to include people in your wedding party and you definitely don't want your bachelorette party to be held too close to your wedding, you should think about what it really is that you would want most from this group of friends. You talked a lot about how great it would be to have everyone together in one group, spending time together, for example--but given your friends' various life circumstances, the experience you've described is probably going to be out of reach for at least a few of these people (plane tickets are expensive, not everyone can take time off work, etc. etc.). Since you've expressed concern not overburdening your friends financially, I'm sure you can appreciate that!
posted by duffell at 8:19 PM on January 6, 2018 [7 favorites]
I've never heard of this idea you seem to have that it's usually only bridesmaids who go to a bachelorette party. It would never occur to me to be "hurt" that someone invited me to a party but didn't want me to take on a bunch of other responsibilities and expenses.
I probably wouldn't fly across the country for both events if you were having them in the same month. I think regardless of financial situation most people wouldn't -- people have lives and it's hard to schedule time for a trip, let alone two, even if you have the money for it.
all older and likely happier to not be a bridesmaid but would if that’s what I wanted
If you are trying to cut down on possible bridesmaids I don't understand why you would even consider asking people who wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid. The groom's sister seems like a better fit for his side of the wedding party unless you and she are very close (closer than she is to her brother?) --- wedding parties no longer need to have a strict gender divide.
posted by yohko at 8:22 PM on January 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
I probably wouldn't fly across the country for both events if you were having them in the same month. I think regardless of financial situation most people wouldn't -- people have lives and it's hard to schedule time for a trip, let alone two, even if you have the money for it.
all older and likely happier to not be a bridesmaid but would if that’s what I wanted
If you are trying to cut down on possible bridesmaids I don't understand why you would even consider asking people who wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid. The groom's sister seems like a better fit for his side of the wedding party unless you and she are very close (closer than she is to her brother?) --- wedding parties no longer need to have a strict gender divide.
posted by yohko at 8:22 PM on January 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Some of those potential bridesmaids are already married, some have kids, some are a toss up. I’m not sure how that affects the “etiquette” of choosing.
It doesn’t. It affects their eligibility for the Miss America pageant (not relevant to your interests) and the bouquet toss (possibly relevant to your interests, but not a bridesmaid-exclusive activity).
Let’s see, what else can I cover here...
Bachelorette/friends from different eras. Bachelorette weekends can be fun, but beware the geek social fallacy that friendship is transitive. Inviting all of your dozen Past and Present Besties isn’t likely to alienate non-bridesmaids compared to bridesmaids, but it might alienate friends who don’t know anybody else in the group.
You also probably have certain friends who are just highly unlikely to get along with certain other friends. It can be soooooo tempting to throw all of your favorite people into an AirBnB for a weekend, but pause to consider group dynamics. You know that friend who is ALWAYS POSTING “what people don’t get about introverts” articles on Facebook? She’s going to hate this weekend. If they’re poorly-written “being an introvert means you have to read my mind because I can’t communicate my feelings” articles, she’s also going to take her misery out on everyone else. See also: the friend who tries to be the center of attention at all times, the friend who doesn’t travel well, the friend who can’t eat any normal food, the friend who puts her foot in her mouth all the time...
Reciprocity. A noble ideal but also impossible. Friends had you in their wedding but the friendship runs its course; friends want to support you but will never have a wedding themselves; you were her MOH but she ends up in the Peace Corps during your wedding. One of my best friends was my MOH, and the other wasn’t at my wedding. I was the second one’s MOH, and the first one didn’t have any guests or attendants at all. You’ll never be able to make it totally “fair,” so just drop this criterion.
Long distance travel. This is a breeze for things like picking out dresses from a major national chain, less so for things like helping with logistics. How much help will you expect getting to appointments, picking vendors, decorating? Will locals get resentful if they have to shuttle you to five dress fittings but the long-distance bridesmaids just make a playlist? If serving would truly be cost-prohibitive or exhausting compared to just attending, that’s a consideration.
Attire. The best way to avoid making them buy dresses they’ll never wear again is to either (a) buy their dresses yourself or (b) give them a color and (maybe) a brand and an array of options so they can pick something they like. The latter sounds more realistic for your cohorts; if anyone is likely to Make It Weird by suggesting different colours or fabrics or necklines or brands, that’s a consideration.
Photographs. It is expected that people in the wedding party will be pulled aside for photographs; it is also OK for ad-hoc ensembles to pose as time allows. But, and...
Here’s my downer about photographs and guest lists and bridal retinues:
Your captured memories, i.e. wedding videos and photographs, professional and candid alike, will inevitably include people you end up disliking or otherwise never speaking to again. Someone will bring their jerk S.O. nobody else likes, and a week later they’ll break up anyway. Your workmate will mug for a bunch of shots and then ghost on you or prove to be a backstabber years later. Someone, somewhere down the road, will disappoint you or betray you mightily. And you’ll still treasure some of those pictures anyway, because someday they’ll be all you have left of the guests who have died. My wedding photos were eleven years ago and roughly half the guests are people I never see anymore, including one BFF who cut me dead for disliking her crush, and a bridesmaid who went totally off the rails a month later and told us all she hated us. Another half-dozen of those guests are dead, many prematurely. The rest are still around, but nearly all are less close than they used to be.
I mention all this not to pee on your parade — it sounds like you have lots of strong, diverse friendships, near and far, and it’s a blessing — but rather to alleviate the pressure to think of a wedding as something you can do to please everyone. You have that impulse, which speaks highly of you, but trust that when you actually get engaged, the best you’ll be able to do is please most of the people most of the time.
The secret to that, not that you asked, is to make sure the food is good and the seating is sufficient. Those are the two main things people will remember, years after the bouquet has wilted and the officiant has gone to prison.
posted by armeowda at 8:27 PM on January 6, 2018 [18 favorites]
It doesn’t. It affects their eligibility for the Miss America pageant (not relevant to your interests) and the bouquet toss (possibly relevant to your interests, but not a bridesmaid-exclusive activity).
Let’s see, what else can I cover here...
Bachelorette/friends from different eras. Bachelorette weekends can be fun, but beware the geek social fallacy that friendship is transitive. Inviting all of your dozen Past and Present Besties isn’t likely to alienate non-bridesmaids compared to bridesmaids, but it might alienate friends who don’t know anybody else in the group.
You also probably have certain friends who are just highly unlikely to get along with certain other friends. It can be soooooo tempting to throw all of your favorite people into an AirBnB for a weekend, but pause to consider group dynamics. You know that friend who is ALWAYS POSTING “what people don’t get about introverts” articles on Facebook? She’s going to hate this weekend. If they’re poorly-written “being an introvert means you have to read my mind because I can’t communicate my feelings” articles, she’s also going to take her misery out on everyone else. See also: the friend who tries to be the center of attention at all times, the friend who doesn’t travel well, the friend who can’t eat any normal food, the friend who puts her foot in her mouth all the time...
Reciprocity. A noble ideal but also impossible. Friends had you in their wedding but the friendship runs its course; friends want to support you but will never have a wedding themselves; you were her MOH but she ends up in the Peace Corps during your wedding. One of my best friends was my MOH, and the other wasn’t at my wedding. I was the second one’s MOH, and the first one didn’t have any guests or attendants at all. You’ll never be able to make it totally “fair,” so just drop this criterion.
Long distance travel. This is a breeze for things like picking out dresses from a major national chain, less so for things like helping with logistics. How much help will you expect getting to appointments, picking vendors, decorating? Will locals get resentful if they have to shuttle you to five dress fittings but the long-distance bridesmaids just make a playlist? If serving would truly be cost-prohibitive or exhausting compared to just attending, that’s a consideration.
Attire. The best way to avoid making them buy dresses they’ll never wear again is to either (a) buy their dresses yourself or (b) give them a color and (maybe) a brand and an array of options so they can pick something they like. The latter sounds more realistic for your cohorts; if anyone is likely to Make It Weird by suggesting different colours or fabrics or necklines or brands, that’s a consideration.
Photographs. It is expected that people in the wedding party will be pulled aside for photographs; it is also OK for ad-hoc ensembles to pose as time allows. But, and...
Here’s my downer about photographs and guest lists and bridal retinues:
Your captured memories, i.e. wedding videos and photographs, professional and candid alike, will inevitably include people you end up disliking or otherwise never speaking to again. Someone will bring their jerk S.O. nobody else likes, and a week later they’ll break up anyway. Your workmate will mug for a bunch of shots and then ghost on you or prove to be a backstabber years later. Someone, somewhere down the road, will disappoint you or betray you mightily. And you’ll still treasure some of those pictures anyway, because someday they’ll be all you have left of the guests who have died. My wedding photos were eleven years ago and roughly half the guests are people I never see anymore, including one BFF who cut me dead for disliking her crush, and a bridesmaid who went totally off the rails a month later and told us all she hated us. Another half-dozen of those guests are dead, many prematurely. The rest are still around, but nearly all are less close than they used to be.
I mention all this not to pee on your parade — it sounds like you have lots of strong, diverse friendships, near and far, and it’s a blessing — but rather to alleviate the pressure to think of a wedding as something you can do to please everyone. You have that impulse, which speaks highly of you, but trust that when you actually get engaged, the best you’ll be able to do is please most of the people most of the time.
The secret to that, not that you asked, is to make sure the food is good and the seating is sufficient. Those are the two main things people will remember, years after the bouquet has wilted and the officiant has gone to prison.
posted by armeowda at 8:27 PM on January 6, 2018 [18 favorites]
One of my closest friends had only her sister as a bridesmaid but still invited a bunch of us on a bachelorette weekend. I was relieved that she didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid because I honestly wouldn’t have wanted to. (Actually I’ve only been in one wedding and I was on the groom’s side and had zero responsibilities other than to show up). No one seemed to have a problem with the disparity at all. Just do what you want to do, and don’t pressure anyone that you ask into doing something they don’t want to do.
posted by greta simone at 9:03 PM on January 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 9:03 PM on January 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
Definitely nthing the No Bridesmaids idea. I was in the same predicament as you and I decided to just have my sister up there with me. I've been in way too many weddings and being a bridesmaid has lost its fun and is now an expensive and time consuming responsibility. Anything you think you need a wedding party for you can do with friends.
posted by pintapicasso at 9:34 PM on January 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by pintapicasso at 9:34 PM on January 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
Another possibility is to have your sister be your MOH, and your fiancé's sister (assuming that one near your age is his only adult sister) be your bridesmaid. Then you have two attendants, if you're feeling kinda traditional (vs. having none), but your many friends will understand that you chose only family members for attendants and your friends will all be equals in not being in the wedding party and just get to have a good time. Bonus - his sister and yours are probably coming to the wedding no matter what, whereas your friends will be free to choose to come or not, travel being expensive, etc., and won't feel financial pressure.
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:02 PM on January 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:02 PM on January 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
Re dresses: I'm getting married in less than a month and have a bridal party of 4. They're flying to my family home across the country, which is part of why I went with "wear a fancy black dress you love" since the wedding attendance is $$ enough. Also, I'm the last of the 5 of us to get married (i was in all of their weddings) and we ALL have purchased enough brodesmaids dresses we'll never wear again.
posted by atomicstone at 10:07 PM on January 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by atomicstone at 10:07 PM on January 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
If the difficulty is that you have more genuine candidate bridesmaids than positions available, and you're concerned about those you don't choose taking offence, and getting less drama-llama friends is not an option, invite all the candidates to an outing and pull tickets from a hat.
posted by flabdablet at 5:33 AM on January 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by flabdablet at 5:33 AM on January 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You can have as many bridesmaids as you want, 12 or more, go for it. Just coordinate it with your fiance for the groomsmen so it's mostly balanced.
posted by TheAdamist at 6:01 AM on January 7, 2018
posted by TheAdamist at 6:01 AM on January 7, 2018
Look into the concept of the “house party” - in some areas, these are women who are not bridesmaids but help out and/or are involved in other ways. I think of them as the female equivalent to ushers. (For me, my house party included the friend who did my hair and makeup, cousins who sang during the ceremony, and friends who passed out programs.) No matching dresses (if that’s what you do for bridesmaids), though mine wore coordinated colors, but still an important part of the day and part of the wedding party.
But also give some thought to whether you want a traditional wedding party at all - you don’t have to have bridesmaids or attendants at all, or you can have a limited number that include just your and your fiancé’s family. Being a bridesmaid has no relation to being at the bachelorette party or shower or even hanging out with you day of while you get ready, etc. There aren’t any rules, in other words - make up your own!
posted by devinemissk at 6:24 AM on January 7, 2018
But also give some thought to whether you want a traditional wedding party at all - you don’t have to have bridesmaids or attendants at all, or you can have a limited number that include just your and your fiancé’s family. Being a bridesmaid has no relation to being at the bachelorette party or shower or even hanging out with you day of while you get ready, etc. There aren’t any rules, in other words - make up your own!
posted by devinemissk at 6:24 AM on January 7, 2018
I went to a wedding where the family had a tradition of relatives only for bridesmaids. Each of her close friends was given a rose and ushered to a seat in the front. They all did other activities like getting ready for the ceremony, getting ready to leave, etc. It was really nice. I guess a possible drawback would be if you had so many friends they outnumbered the people in the ordinary seats.
posted by BibiRose at 6:55 AM on January 7, 2018
posted by BibiRose at 6:55 AM on January 7, 2018
It sounds like you are worried that some of your friends will feel left out if they are not selected as bridesmaids, as though there is some hierarchy of friendship and they don't make the cut.
I've been a bridesmaid twice, and a regular guest a bazillion times, and at no point did I ever think, "Woohoo, [Friend] asked me to be a bridesmaid, I'm a super-special person!" nor "Oh man, [Friend] didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, I guess she likes Other.Friend better than me!" In both scenarios, my thoughts were "Woohoo, Friend is getting married to an awesome dude/dudette, I'm so happy for them!"
In both scenarios, I was invited to the bridal shower/bachelorette (generally held on the same day, 1-2 months before the wedding), as well as post-wedding brunch. So the only material difference in roles was that as a bridesmaid, I was told to buy a specific dress and had to be at the rehearsal.
posted by basalganglia at 12:04 PM on January 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
I've been a bridesmaid twice, and a regular guest a bazillion times, and at no point did I ever think, "Woohoo, [Friend] asked me to be a bridesmaid, I'm a super-special person!" nor "Oh man, [Friend] didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, I guess she likes Other.Friend better than me!" In both scenarios, my thoughts were "Woohoo, Friend is getting married to an awesome dude/dudette, I'm so happy for them!"
In both scenarios, I was invited to the bridal shower/bachelorette (generally held on the same day, 1-2 months before the wedding), as well as post-wedding brunch. So the only material difference in roles was that as a bridesmaid, I was told to buy a specific dress and had to be at the rehearsal.
posted by basalganglia at 12:04 PM on January 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
Some of those potential bridesmaids are already married, some have kids, some are a toss up. I’m not sure how that affects the “etiquette” of choosing.
I have the vague sense that you’re not supposed to invite married women to be bridesmaids - that bridesmaids are “supposed” to be unmarried friends of the bride. If that is a sorting mechanism that helps get the numbers manageable you should totally use it, if it makes you sad, ignore it.
posted by corb at 1:08 PM on January 7, 2018
I have the vague sense that you’re not supposed to invite married women to be bridesmaids - that bridesmaids are “supposed” to be unmarried friends of the bride. If that is a sorting mechanism that helps get the numbers manageable you should totally use it, if it makes you sad, ignore it.
posted by corb at 1:08 PM on January 7, 2018
Something else to consider: your life will change after the wedding, too. We got married four years ago, and there are people we know now that I wish we'd known then, because we would likely have asked them to stand with us. There are people in the wedding photos who dropped our friendship 6 months later (it was a small wedding, so we have group photos of everyone). I have a dear friend whose friendship was rekindling right about the wedding time, and I wish I'd invited her and her husband. Yes, this is important decision, and an important time for you, but it is also just ONE point in hopefully a very long life, and you're going to have to embrace that. :) Our wedding photos are a snapshot of that point in time, and I'm okay with that.
(And totally, invite whoever you want to the bachelorette - it's not limited to just the wedding party. It's your wedding and your rules. In my circle of friends, limiting the bachelorette to just the wedding party would be weird.)
posted by joycehealy at 1:36 PM on January 7, 2018
(And totally, invite whoever you want to the bachelorette - it's not limited to just the wedding party. It's your wedding and your rules. In my circle of friends, limiting the bachelorette to just the wedding party would be weird.)
posted by joycehealy at 1:36 PM on January 7, 2018
No bridesmaids is the easiest solution. My three sisters and my husband's brother did readings. A lot of our good friends helped out with the wedding -- performing music, making cupcakes and punch, helping us set up/clean up the venue, passing out programs -- and we had a big party for our friends and similarly-aged family members the night before the wedding. All of that stuff was great, and none of it involved picking the friends we like best. We love all of our friends. That's why we invited them to our wedding.
A lot of my friends have gone this route too, and it's so much less drama (and less money for your friends). If the aesthetics are important to you, you can always ask your twelve closest pals to wear a particular color (a friend of mine did this, and the pictures look great).
I did go to a seriously lovely and fun bachelorette weekend for a wedding I was in, years ago, but part of the reason it was so great was that we were a group of women who'd all been friends for years. I wouldn't count on all your friends from different periods of your life getting along, and a weekend could feel really long if it didn't go well.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 2:32 PM on January 7, 2018
A lot of my friends have gone this route too, and it's so much less drama (and less money for your friends). If the aesthetics are important to you, you can always ask your twelve closest pals to wear a particular color (a friend of mine did this, and the pictures look great).
I did go to a seriously lovely and fun bachelorette weekend for a wedding I was in, years ago, but part of the reason it was so great was that we were a group of women who'd all been friends for years. I wouldn't count on all your friends from different periods of your life getting along, and a weekend could feel really long if it didn't go well.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 2:32 PM on January 7, 2018
My advice is just around your anxiety. It sounds to me like you are doing a lot of worrying about making sure that your friends feel appreciated and included. Maybe one way to lessen the anxiety around weddings is to just make sure that you’re in touch with them and letting them know what they mean to you on a more regular basis. Being a bridesmaid isn’t a gold star acknowledgement of friendship, and to be honest, during that time of my life, I ended up a little bit tired of the whole bridesmaid thing by the fourth or fifth wedding. It had no reflection on the quality of friendship between bridesmaids and brides, and was probably more about the expense and hassle of spending what seemed like every third weekend at a wedding or related party for three years.
Maybe concentrate less on a hypothetical wedding in the future and more on enjoying both yourself and your friends right now. I’m sure your wedding will be a beautiful and meaningful day but true friendship is all the other days as well.
(Divorce season, which hits like, 10 years after wedding season, is another huge friendship point.)
posted by warriorqueen at 3:16 PM on January 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
Maybe concentrate less on a hypothetical wedding in the future and more on enjoying both yourself and your friends right now. I’m sure your wedding will be a beautiful and meaningful day but true friendship is all the other days as well.
(Divorce season, which hits like, 10 years after wedding season, is another huge friendship point.)
posted by warriorqueen at 3:16 PM on January 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your different viewpoints and opinions. It helped give me a new way to look at things.
Somethings that particularly helped were getting rid of the idea that the bachelorette was only for the bridesmaids (not sure how I got that idea), taking photos with whoever I want and even having as many bridesmaids as desired. I have also heard the idea that married woman usually aren’t bridesmaids but I’m going to skip that rule :)
I know that friendships may come and go but these women have been with me (some since middle and high school), through several international moves, a Peace Corps service, marriage and kids (theirs), in sickness and in health. Honoring them and sharing another important moment in my life would mean the world to me. Even if some of these friendships do change or go away in the future, if I were married tomorrow I would want them by my side (and would be so happy to have them in those photos). Hermione Granger I LOVE the idea of sending everyone letters of what they mean to me. Thank you.
Many people suggested no bridesmaids or just my sister and for *reasons* this isn’t a good fit for me though it may be for others. Not really having this as an option is why this idea has been giving me some anxiety!
For those who have many close friends and chose to go the “no bridesmaids” route, what did events like the rehearsal dinner (just family?) or getting ready look like for you? Who was with you then?
I appreciate the many people said “all your besties might not become besties.” Im lucky that all my friends could handle one weekend of being friendly to whomever is there and finding a new person to talk to if they don’t like the person on their left. I’m also reasonable enough to say “go talk a walk or read a book” if you need some introvert time and don’t want to hang 24/7.
Thank you all again. Obviously this is still a long way off and I have plenty of time to (not) think about it until it actually comes up!
posted by raccoon409 at 3:48 PM on January 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
Somethings that particularly helped were getting rid of the idea that the bachelorette was only for the bridesmaids (not sure how I got that idea), taking photos with whoever I want and even having as many bridesmaids as desired. I have also heard the idea that married woman usually aren’t bridesmaids but I’m going to skip that rule :)
I know that friendships may come and go but these women have been with me (some since middle and high school), through several international moves, a Peace Corps service, marriage and kids (theirs), in sickness and in health. Honoring them and sharing another important moment in my life would mean the world to me. Even if some of these friendships do change or go away in the future, if I were married tomorrow I would want them by my side (and would be so happy to have them in those photos). Hermione Granger I LOVE the idea of sending everyone letters of what they mean to me. Thank you.
Many people suggested no bridesmaids or just my sister and for *reasons* this isn’t a good fit for me though it may be for others. Not really having this as an option is why this idea has been giving me some anxiety!
For those who have many close friends and chose to go the “no bridesmaids” route, what did events like the rehearsal dinner (just family?) or getting ready look like for you? Who was with you then?
I appreciate the many people said “all your besties might not become besties.” Im lucky that all my friends could handle one weekend of being friendly to whomever is there and finding a new person to talk to if they don’t like the person on their left. I’m also reasonable enough to say “go talk a walk or read a book” if you need some introvert time and don’t want to hang 24/7.
Thank you all again. Obviously this is still a long way off and I have plenty of time to (not) think about it until it actually comes up!
posted by raccoon409 at 3:48 PM on January 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
Another option if you want to have 12 and your intended only has a few: line them up on both sides, or let them process and then take seats up front.
I just thought of an upside to a large crew of bridesmaids: if you divide tasks fairly according to talent, desire, and proximity, nobody has to work so hard she gets burnt out.
Etiquette tidbit: Google “matron of honor” for proof that there ain’t no rule against married attendants. (My friend hates the word “matron” so she still broke the rule and called me a “maid of honor,” but most of her retinue was married, and two of them were visibly pregnant as well!)
Honestly? If you’ve got a support system that strong and diverse, why hide it under a bushel? (Pro tip: turquoise looks good on literally everyone.)
posted by armeowda at 6:48 PM on January 7, 2018
I just thought of an upside to a large crew of bridesmaids: if you divide tasks fairly according to talent, desire, and proximity, nobody has to work so hard she gets burnt out.
Etiquette tidbit: Google “matron of honor” for proof that there ain’t no rule against married attendants. (My friend hates the word “matron” so she still broke the rule and called me a “maid of honor,” but most of her retinue was married, and two of them were visibly pregnant as well!)
Honestly? If you’ve got a support system that strong and diverse, why hide it under a bushel? (Pro tip: turquoise looks good on literally everyone.)
posted by armeowda at 6:48 PM on January 7, 2018
For those who have many close friends and chose to go the “no bridesmaids” route, what did events like the rehearsal dinner (just family?) or getting ready look like for you? Who was with you then?
More and more often it seems like weddings just include everyone in the rehearsal dinner. Ours was very small because I wanted it that way, but it definitely would've been fine to invite anyone we wanted. After the rehearsal dinner (which was just parents and siblings), everyone was invited to a big cocktail party, which was great, and then the friends/young people went out afterwards.
For getting ready, lots of our close friends were doing things for the wedding, so they were all at the apartment with us prepping food or drinks or fixing my makeup. Also some people just came by to hang out -- we had stuff for mimosas and snacks. It was really chill and we got to spend time with our closest friends without having to do the Wedding Party Thing.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 7:06 PM on January 7, 2018
More and more often it seems like weddings just include everyone in the rehearsal dinner. Ours was very small because I wanted it that way, but it definitely would've been fine to invite anyone we wanted. After the rehearsal dinner (which was just parents and siblings), everyone was invited to a big cocktail party, which was great, and then the friends/young people went out afterwards.
For getting ready, lots of our close friends were doing things for the wedding, so they were all at the apartment with us prepping food or drinks or fixing my makeup. Also some people just came by to hang out -- we had stuff for mimosas and snacks. It was really chill and we got to spend time with our closest friends without having to do the Wedding Party Thing.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 7:06 PM on January 7, 2018
For those who have many close friends and chose to go the “no bridesmaids” route, what did events like the rehearsal dinner (just family?) or getting ready look like for you? Who was with you then?
This actually wasn't true for my case, but I will say that many weddings I've attended have the rehearsal dinner open to everyone. Often in this case it's something fairly low-key such as pizza, a BBQ, etc. The "open to all" rehearsal dinner has especially tended to be the case for destination weddings and/or weddings where a large proportion of the guests are travelling from out of town (which sounds like it could be the case for you).
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:46 AM on January 8, 2018
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2. Don't have bridesmaids.
3. Have a bachelorette party and invite the women you love.
4. Have said bachelorette party at least 2-3 months prior to your wedding day.
5. Send meaningful handwritten letters to each of the women who have helped you become who you are today.
6. It is 100% ok to ask your photographer to plan group photos with different groups of people. It was so much fun to see my best friend with multiple "families" of friends -- the ones she met at grad school, the ones she's been friends with since childhood, the ones she met at line dancing, etc. Everyone watched and applauded when each set of photos was done. Was there jealousy? Probably. Does that matter? No, petty people need to get over themselves.
posted by Hermione Granger at 7:18 PM on January 6, 2018 [80 favorites]