Golfcourses and bars... Where can one find men of say 37 to 44?
December 16, 2017 5:46 PM   Subscribe

Since turning 40, a couple of years ago, I'm finding that in online dating only 50+ men seem to be interested. I'd really prefer someone younger than that, because if at all possible, I'd still want to consider having a child/children and because I am already older an even older father wouldn't be great. Then in real life, people guess me to be 10 years younger and I mostly meet people of around 30 (political group, parttime studies, the gym). And that gap again is too wide for me and for them.

My friends of 40+ are all in very busy with careers combined with children, as are most of my age apparently, because I don't see them out (numbers are small in my small country, and people generally live settled lives).

I've made a younger impression in real life since I was in my late twenties. People guess me to be about 10 years younger. It's so very awkward, and I feel weirdly guilty as well. It's happened a number of times there seems to be a good connection with someone I meet in any of my activities, and some mild flirting, followed by a kind of shock on the face of the man in question when they did the math (when I told them about years of work or studies in the 90's etc). I purposely try to warn them, before anything else happens because I don't want that shock to come later on when it's really awkward and sad.

I don't mean to make the wrong (younger) impression on people and I guess I'm just disappointed as well, because I find it hard to tell if a man is 30 or 37.

When I was in my 20's and 30's I had a lot of issues on my plate and had no clear mind to making good choices in people. Life has taught me a lot in the mean time. Anyway, I'm willing to try both online and real life and am preferring the latter because gauging if men would be a match online, I find really difficult and I don't seem to show a learning curve there.

Aside from playing golf and in bars, where could I find men of say 37 to 44?
Other reflections, ideas are also welcome. Like how to handle those meetings with men that turn out to be too young in a graceful/humorous/light way?
posted by Litehouse to Human Relations (9 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
Response by poster: I took some sentences out and English is not my first language so now it reads a bit dry and strange... To clarify a bit more: through ending some negative relationships and choosing social and professional circles that better fit me, I'm actually now connecting with people I really like and am interested in, and having great conversations with women and men I meet in different places, and enjoying myself. It feels like before I was busy working to become a good partner, possible parent. But also I've been a bit of a hermit during the last decade due to circumstances, while I'm naturally more outgoing. Anyway, the future I was working towards feels like it's now here: I'm not perfect but really happy with the way I've grown so I'd like to go for it best I can and try to be a bit practical as well, if that's possible. And I'm not afraid of doing things alone or initiating if that would be necessary.
posted by Litehouse at 7:17 PM on December 16, 2017

It might be different depending on where you are. Where are you?
posted by maurreen at 7:33 PM on December 16, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: It sounds to me like you've arrived at a place where dating and even a serious relationship are in the cards. I suspect that confidence and self-possession will come across.

If a man younger than you're interested in (you're quite sure about that, are you?) shows interest and you don't reciprocate, there is nothing wrong with being straightforward, "You're very nice/funny/charming, but I'm really looking for someone around my own age."

As far as where to meet them? You say that you've been 'choosing social and professional circles that better fit me," and "connecting with people I really like and am interested in." When you meet those people, take the opportunity to find out where else you might find them.

Good luck.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 7:58 PM on December 16, 2017 [3 favorites]

I think you should cast a wider net. 37-44 seems a bit narrow to me.

Also, if I were you, I’d consider trying for a child alone (there are lots of options these days) ; the men in your target demographic who want children will be looking at much younger women for that very purpose.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:07 PM on December 16, 2017 [10 favorites]

standing in back at punk rock shows. exiting foreign/art films. *really* looking closely at the new artwork in the coffee shop. foreign language class.
posted by j_curiouser at 10:30 PM on December 16, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Have you already tried messaging men in your preferred age group online instead of waiting for men to write you? If not, could be an easy first step.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 11:20 PM on December 16, 2017 [3 favorites]

If you are meeting people, why not ask them? As in specifically say, hey I am looking to date someone close to my age, do you know anyone?
posted by nat at 12:40 AM on December 17, 2017 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thank you all for the feedback!

maurreen: I'm in north Europe, in a medium large city (300.000).

Emperor SnooKloze
: I hear you, being direct and upfront is a good way to approach this, in reactions and asking around. I once actually got two people together because the woman just asked me. They were around 35 back then and have been together for 13 years now and have a child together.

Kwadeng: casting a wider net, good one, I will do that. I think it depends on the individual person anyway, not so much the age. And you're right about men looking for younger women to have children with. I'm from a very fertile family after 40 and the women reach ages of over 100 years old, but that's not common, I realize. Especially in my country it's frowned upon to have kids in your late thirties even. You can't adopt after 40 or without partner. And I still really wante to do this with a good partner, also because I have no family around where I live.

j_curiouser: the arts, good idea, I'd like to start doing that more anyway!

BusyBusyBusy: I've reached out a lot, sometimes gotten replies and sometimes dated. Nothing came of it yet.

Does anyone have more ideas on the real life activities? I think I'm looking for recurrent activities so something can develop, because that seems to work better.
posted by Litehouse at 9:27 AM on December 17, 2017

Best answer: You're in your early 40s, in a small European country, in a relatively small city, and you've already noticed most of your contemporaries are settled with a partner and children. I agree you need to widen your desired age range. You also need to be a bit more aggressive: tell just about everyone you know you're now looking to settle down, too, and ask if they could introduce you to a suitable man.

If you want to have biological children (and want said biological children to arise from an involved, co-parenting partner in his 40s or younger, rather than via donor sperm), I think your recurrent activity for the next half a year ought to be slightly-awkward coffee dates arranged via matchmakers. These men would be vetted by your friends (as are you, on your dates' behalf), and that would accelerate the courtship pace far faster than what you'd achieve meeting men on your own. (Especially given your stated "I look younger than I am which throws men off, and it's difficult to tell an appropriately-aged man by sight" stumbling block.)

I do not wish to alarm you, but usually when family history has women as very fertile into their 40s, those women were bearing the last of their children in that decade. Not their first. It makes a difference. If you haven't done it recently, have a full fertility medical work-up to know exactly where you stand. Best wishes.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:28 PM on December 17, 2017 [1 favorite]

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