I'm female, he's gay, what's happening here?
September 21, 2017 12:32 PM Subscribe
It's an age-old question: you meet someone at a party, you start to enjoyably email each other every day, and after nearly a month of this he says he has a partner and gives you just enough info for you to realise he must be gay. And yet, he keeps emailing...
The thing is, I'm surprised – I just assumed we were friends but I've never experienced someone to be a daily (every 24 hours) correspondent if they weren't interested in something romantic with me. It's almost a month and a half now; he asks about my life, my opinions, my interests, etc – we have a ton in common and he's a fantastic person. But I'm beginning to find myself developing romantic feelings for him, and he *definitely* has a partner and *definitely* likes men (he may be bi, but I have no evidence of that). I'm single; he's not monogamous, but I know nothing beyond that.
I'm finding it hard not to start to like him. We are currently in different cities so we won't get to meet up for a few months. I'm not going to ask him directly yet, because I get a strong sense he was in the closet for a long time and doesn't want to talk about it. I also don't want to stop emailing him just because I'm straight and single and susceptible to romantic feelings for nice, smart, funny people. What can I do – how can I get rid of these feelings and keep it friendly? I am dating other men, btw. Maybe that's it – just keep dating other guys and get over it, right?
Thanks, guys!
The thing is, I'm surprised – I just assumed we were friends but I've never experienced someone to be a daily (every 24 hours) correspondent if they weren't interested in something romantic with me. It's almost a month and a half now; he asks about my life, my opinions, my interests, etc – we have a ton in common and he's a fantastic person. But I'm beginning to find myself developing romantic feelings for him, and he *definitely* has a partner and *definitely* likes men (he may be bi, but I have no evidence of that). I'm single; he's not monogamous, but I know nothing beyond that.
I'm finding it hard not to start to like him. We are currently in different cities so we won't get to meet up for a few months. I'm not going to ask him directly yet, because I get a strong sense he was in the closet for a long time and doesn't want to talk about it. I also don't want to stop emailing him just because I'm straight and single and susceptible to romantic feelings for nice, smart, funny people. What can I do – how can I get rid of these feelings and keep it friendly? I am dating other men, btw. Maybe that's it – just keep dating other guys and get over it, right?
Thanks, guys!
Best answer: It's incredibly validating to have someone actually take a sincere interest in you. The mind will naturally cough out good feelings as a result of this attention. Enjoy it for what it is but don't get ahead of what is actually happening. I hope that helps you keep it in perspective. At some point you'll meet someone who gives that attention AND wants to bone. So just hold some part of yourself back from this friend so when that dude comes along you're emotionally available.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:54 PM on September 21, 2017 [37 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:54 PM on September 21, 2017 [37 favorites]
The best case here is that you're the girl-on-the-side of a non-monogamous bi man whose primary is another man. Absolutely more power to you if that's what you want, but anything else ain't happening. Why not add a friend to your collection and leave it at that?
posted by MattD at 12:55 PM on September 21, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by MattD at 12:55 PM on September 21, 2017 [5 favorites]
What is your evidence besides his frequency of contact and curiosity about you? I talk to a half dozen people on a near-daily basis and we discuss many aspects of our lives. I'm quite sure that none of them think I'm interested even though I'm single and we're compatible genders. I agree that you most likely have a friend, and it's probably not going to end well if you reveal your feelings. If he's in an open relationship he would have mentioned it by now. Contain your desires or move on.
posted by AFABulous at 1:05 PM on September 21, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by AFABulous at 1:05 PM on September 21, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: This is when I start to feel bad for straight people that live and uphold hetero normative ideals, intentionally or unintentionally, because genuine interest in a person is always conflated with romantic and sexual interest. It also doesn't help that most men are such trash that you end up wanting to fall in love with them because they treat you so nicely. (This is all from my personal experience as a demisexual/biromantic queer person, but I do not doubt that many other people have shared these experiences with me, because hey, the patriarchy!)
The fact that he wants to take time out of his life to get to know you as an actual person and a friend? Especially because straight people aren't always the most understanding or chill to be with? That's flattery, my friend.
posted by yueliang at 1:09 PM on September 21, 2017 [45 favorites]
The fact that he wants to take time out of his life to get to know you as an actual person and a friend? Especially because straight people aren't always the most understanding or chill to be with? That's flattery, my friend.
posted by yueliang at 1:09 PM on September 21, 2017 [45 favorites]
I'm not going to ask him directly yet, because I get a strong sense he was in the closet for a long time and doesn't want to talk about it.
If you don't want to ask "are you gay or bi or what?" -- which isn't really the information you want anyway -- you might just be even more direct: "are you romantically interested in me?" or "hey, are we flirting here?" or whatever phrasing feels okay to you.
Issues about the closet and coming out don't need to come up for you to get an answer.
(Also, FWIW, my experience is that poly and gay/bi folk are more likely than general population to appreciate super-direct "hey is this a thing or what?"-type questions like that, and less likely than general population to just figure "Oh, she's a woman, I'm a man, we talk every day, of course she knows where this story is going." Everyone's different, you know him way better than we do, etc. But it's conceivable that you can/should be more direct with him than you would be with a monogamous straight guy in the same situation.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:11 PM on September 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
If you don't want to ask "are you gay or bi or what?" -- which isn't really the information you want anyway -- you might just be even more direct: "are you romantically interested in me?" or "hey, are we flirting here?" or whatever phrasing feels okay to you.
Issues about the closet and coming out don't need to come up for you to get an answer.
(Also, FWIW, my experience is that poly and gay/bi folk are more likely than general population to appreciate super-direct "hey is this a thing or what?"-type questions like that, and less likely than general population to just figure "Oh, she's a woman, I'm a man, we talk every day, of course she knows where this story is going." Everyone's different, you know him way better than we do, etc. But it's conceivable that you can/should be more direct with him than you would be with a monogamous straight guy in the same situation.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:11 PM on September 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Seconding St. Peepsburg on the 'enjoy it for what it is.' For the heart-y part of my brain, the worst thing I can do is tell it not to do something, as of course it never listens. You should, however, let your fixation and need-fulfillment exist elsewhere, because it won't ultimately find a home here, and you're setting yourself up for some rough times, if you don't clear it out one way or another. In order to do that, though, you'll need to make a conscious decision to look for what you're receiving elsewhere.
If you're a thinker, one thing you can do in combating attachment is to challenge any expectations you may have about your connection, especially the subconscious ones. This can go in deep, too, this expectation-composting: i.e., what role does he play in your life? Would you find yourself upset if he were unavailable? Do you specifically feel your needs being met from him, in a way that you would feel empty if he were not there to give them? and so forth. But you can also learn about his situation, too.
It sounds like a lot of your romantic feeling is sourced in your not-knowing much about his circumstance, honestly. If you're able to point-blank know and empathize with where he is in his relationship with his partner, you might have your solution. Perhaps his validation, with he being someone who obviously cares for you and synchronizes up with you quite well, will naturally go back towards friendly, and perhaps you'll lose interest. And if the latter feels scary, you should examine that, and pull back.
posted by a good beginning at 1:20 PM on September 21, 2017 [5 favorites]
If you're a thinker, one thing you can do in combating attachment is to challenge any expectations you may have about your connection, especially the subconscious ones. This can go in deep, too, this expectation-composting: i.e., what role does he play in your life? Would you find yourself upset if he were unavailable? Do you specifically feel your needs being met from him, in a way that you would feel empty if he were not there to give them? and so forth. But you can also learn about his situation, too.
It sounds like a lot of your romantic feeling is sourced in your not-knowing much about his circumstance, honestly. If you're able to point-blank know and empathize with where he is in his relationship with his partner, you might have your solution. Perhaps his validation, with he being someone who obviously cares for you and synchronizes up with you quite well, will naturally go back towards friendly, and perhaps you'll lose interest. And if the latter feels scary, you should examine that, and pull back.
posted by a good beginning at 1:20 PM on September 21, 2017 [5 favorites]
> This is when I start to feel bad for straight people that live and uphold hetero normative ideals, intentionally or unintentionally, because genuine interest in a person is always conflated with romantic and sexual interest.
Yep yep yep this.
What you have here is the beginning of a great friendship with someone you could love. Do that. And rename those feelings that you're defining as "romantic interest."
posted by desuetude at 2:13 PM on September 21, 2017 [6 favorites]
Yep yep yep this.
What you have here is the beginning of a great friendship with someone you could love. Do that. And rename those feelings that you're defining as "romantic interest."
posted by desuetude at 2:13 PM on September 21, 2017 [6 favorites]
I am a gay woman and I have a wonderful (straight) male friend. We practically jump up and down when we get to see each other. We have lots in common and we click in so many ways. It's a great friendship. Yours sounds like it could be as well. Nurture that. It's great to love and be loved by someone you call a friend - a dear dear friend.
posted by Lescha at 2:55 PM on September 21, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by Lescha at 2:55 PM on September 21, 2017 [12 favorites]
To take it to the best case scenario, would you be interested in being in a polyamorous relationship where they have a primary partner as well? If the answer is no, there you have it so far as a love interest. You can always be friends. If the answer is yes, then by all means, feel the situation out a bit more.
posted by Jubey at 6:21 PM on September 21, 2017
posted by Jubey at 6:21 PM on September 21, 2017
Response by poster: Thank you, everyone, for these great answers. They are cheering and illuminating, and set a useful course for me in moving past the crush and reframing things so that we can be friends.
Thank you especially to @a good beginning – those questions (with me being a thinky type) have been hugely useful for me to figure out what's going on internally. I like the phrase 'expectation-composting', especially.
posted by considerthelilies at 5:11 AM on September 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
Thank you especially to @a good beginning – those questions (with me being a thinky type) have been hugely useful for me to figure out what's going on internally. I like the phrase 'expectation-composting', especially.
posted by considerthelilies at 5:11 AM on September 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
Sometimes the beginning of a friendship can have an almost romantic intensity. This is something I've observed and discussed mostly with women, but I don't see why it couldn't happen for men too. Exciting new person you kind of want to woo, as a friend, and talk to often, just because they are so cool and interesting and you're excited about being friends - but not in a sexual way.
I like a good beginning's suggestion of getting to know more about his romantic situation and partner. Also keep dating other men and be open about that. Talk about bad dates, good dates, weird messages from Tindr, etc.
posted by bunderful at 5:31 AM on September 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
I like a good beginning's suggestion of getting to know more about his romantic situation and partner. Also keep dating other men and be open about that. Talk about bad dates, good dates, weird messages from Tindr, etc.
posted by bunderful at 5:31 AM on September 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Bunderful - That basically sounds like a squish!
Something was nagging at me that I forgot to introduce an important concept (I wrote the first in the throes of food poisoning recovery) but I think the paradigm of a squish vs crush, as coming from the asexuality community, would help clarify a few more thoughts for you.
http://theasexualityblog.tumblr.com/post/138663700030/squishes-vs-crushes-how-theyre-similar-yet-very/amp
posted by yueliang at 1:18 PM on September 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Something was nagging at me that I forgot to introduce an important concept (I wrote the first in the throes of food poisoning recovery) but I think the paradigm of a squish vs crush, as coming from the asexuality community, would help clarify a few more thoughts for you.
http://theasexualityblog.tumblr.com/post/138663700030/squishes-vs-crushes-how-theyre-similar-yet-very/amp
posted by yueliang at 1:18 PM on September 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by xingcat at 12:36 PM on September 21, 2017 [16 favorites]