"I think it's cool."
September 14, 2017 11:08 PM Subscribe
How would you respond to a stranger/acquaintance who makes negative remarks about your partner/family/friend's hobbies (even when they are not present)? Specific examples will be appreciated. I need short effective comebacks which 1) are not overly rude 2) show my 100% support to the person being made fun of 3) make it clear I will not engage in further conversation if they do not stop.
"(fuck,) man, life's (too) short (to worry if you're seen as cool or not to some random stranger)! they're having a blast, and i'm stoked for 'em."
posted by speakeasy at 11:39 PM on September 14, 2017 [14 favorites]
posted by speakeasy at 11:39 PM on September 14, 2017 [14 favorites]
Sarcastically, "People who like things are so annoying aren't they?" Has to be said in the right tone of voice.
Or alternatively, "Some people do hobby, some people are dreadful bores", followed by a shrug.
These might be ruder than you like, but really, how much politeness do you really owe to someone who puts down or mocks someone you care about in front of you?
posted by katyggls at 11:43 PM on September 14, 2017 [11 favorites]
Or alternatively, "Some people do hobby, some people are dreadful bores", followed by a shrug.
These might be ruder than you like, but really, how much politeness do you really owe to someone who puts down or mocks someone you care about in front of you?
posted by katyggls at 11:43 PM on September 14, 2017 [11 favorites]
[Pause. Blink blink. Look confused.] "Dude, did you just insult my SO/friend/mother? Am I going to have to fight you to defend their honour?" [Smile or laugh]
I think there's a cultural difference (and I don't just mean regional cultures but also family cultures) between people who see hobbies as part of their identity and take criticism of a hobby or interest or personal taste as an insult, and people who see them as a thing distinct from their sense of selves and can accept a stranger thinking negatively of the hobby without seeing that as a reflection on themselves. People who say things to you like this probably don't think of it as an insult against your partner/friend/family, so the best response will be something that lets them know that's how it was received, so they can become aware enough to stop being rude.
posted by lollusc at 11:46 PM on September 14, 2017 [2 favorites]
I think there's a cultural difference (and I don't just mean regional cultures but also family cultures) between people who see hobbies as part of their identity and take criticism of a hobby or interest or personal taste as an insult, and people who see them as a thing distinct from their sense of selves and can accept a stranger thinking negatively of the hobby without seeing that as a reflection on themselves. People who say things to you like this probably don't think of it as an insult against your partner/friend/family, so the best response will be something that lets them know that's how it was received, so they can become aware enough to stop being rude.
posted by lollusc at 11:46 PM on September 14, 2017 [2 favorites]
"Huh. Well, I think it's a great hobby and I'm really glad my friend/partner/etc. gets so much joy from it. So we'll have to agree to disagree."
Or, "What would make you say something like that?" That might be ruder than you want too, but like katyggls said, how much politeness do you owe someone like that?
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:46 PM on September 14, 2017 [4 favorites]
Or, "What would make you say something like that?" That might be ruder than you want too, but like katyggls said, how much politeness do you owe someone like that?
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:46 PM on September 14, 2017 [4 favorites]
"It's MYRNA'S hobby and I'm happy that it makes her happy."
If they don't shut up:
"Change of topic; I want to talk about XYZ. What's up with that?"
If they still harp on:
"No, really: XYZ! What's your opinion?"
No matter what you say, it's the tone that's important. Aim for short, firm and don't smile.
Don't add a question mark or make your voice rise at the end like you're soliciting agreement. They don't have to agree, they just have to SHUT UP.
Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).
What not to say:
"But it makes her happy! But it's her choice!" or anything that starts with "but!"
"...don't you think?"
or even "what would make you say that?" (that's for when you want to go on hearing their opinions)
Don't smile, nod or say listening words like "uhuh."
Be a wall of silence if you don't like what you're hearing.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:53 PM on September 14, 2017 [3 favorites]
If they don't shut up:
"Change of topic; I want to talk about XYZ. What's up with that?"
If they still harp on:
"No, really: XYZ! What's your opinion?"
No matter what you say, it's the tone that's important. Aim for short, firm and don't smile.
Don't add a question mark or make your voice rise at the end like you're soliciting agreement. They don't have to agree, they just have to SHUT UP.
Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).
What not to say:
"But it makes her happy! But it's her choice!" or anything that starts with "but!"
"...don't you think?"
or even "what would make you say that?" (that's for when you want to go on hearing their opinions)
Don't smile, nod or say listening words like "uhuh."
Be a wall of silence if you don't like what you're hearing.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:53 PM on September 14, 2017 [3 favorites]
"Don't be mean"
posted by barracuda at 11:54 PM on September 14, 2017 [20 favorites]
posted by barracuda at 11:54 PM on September 14, 2017 [20 favorites]
"It makes them happy. They're not so shallow as to care what other people think about it."
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 12:02 AM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 12:02 AM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
"Everyone has their thing and I'm not going to waste my time judging what other people do if it makes them happy. I'm really not into gossip or making fun of people behind their backs."
If they continue, I'd say something like, "I think it's pretty rude to rag on them for enjoying X. Who cares? I'm kind of done talking about this." I think the rudeness depends on the delivery so you may not be able to pull it off if you're legit angry and fired up. I'm thinking a calm, neutral statement of fact could work, and then promptly changing the subject.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:24 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
If they continue, I'd say something like, "I think it's pretty rude to rag on them for enjoying X. Who cares? I'm kind of done talking about this." I think the rudeness depends on the delivery so you may not be able to pull it off if you're legit angry and fired up. I'm thinking a calm, neutral statement of fact could work, and then promptly changing the subject.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:24 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
"Well, we can't all be mean as a hobby. That's your thing, after all."
posted by Jubey at 12:28 AM on September 15, 2017 [28 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 12:28 AM on September 15, 2017 [28 favorites]
Not the kind of thing for world-weary sophisticates such as you, apparently, but we enjoy it.
posted by jamjam at 1:07 AM on September 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by jamjam at 1:07 AM on September 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
"Fun! I didn't realize shitty opinions of other people was *your* hobby."
My favorite is just to say, "duly noted" and move the conversation or myself elsewhere.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 1:57 AM on September 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
My favorite is just to say, "duly noted" and move the conversation or myself elsewhere.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 1:57 AM on September 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
my usual response to snotty unsolicited advice and/or opinions from strangers is "i don't recall asking for your opinion on this or any other matter." there's no reason to be polite to people who are comfortable shitting all over something enjoyed by someone you love.
posted by poffin boffin at 2:27 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by poffin boffin at 2:27 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
The exact wording is probably too harsh, but I can't help think of this story about Amy Poehler from Tina Fey's memoir:
Amy Poehler was new to SNL and we were all crowded into the seventeenth-floor writers' room, waiting for the Wednesday night read-through to start. [...] Amy was in the middle of some such nonsense with Seth Meyers across the table, and she did something vulgar as a joke. I can't remember what it was exactly, except it was dirty and loud and "unladylike".posted by rollick at 3:22 AM on September 15, 2017 [31 favorites]
Jimmy Fallon [...] turned to her and in a faux-squeamish voice said, "Stop that! It's not cute! I don't like it."
Amy dropped what she was doing, went black in the eyes for a second, and wheeled around on him. "I don't fucking care if you like it." Jimmy was visibly startled. Amy went right back to enjoying her ridiculous bit.
With that exchange, a cosmic shift took place. Amy made it clear that she wasn't there to be cute. She wasn't there to play wives and girlfriends in the boys' scenes. She was there to do what she wanted to do and she did not fucking care if you like it.
"Hoo boy, hobby x sucks, amirite?"
"Each to their own. Life's too short to mock things that make people happy."
"Yeah, but Hobby x!
"'Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.' It's right there in the Declaration of Independence. Case closed."
"Yeah, but--"
"For the last time: case closed."
I would speak firmly and interrupt them during their second or third rebuttal for emphasis.
posted by carmicha at 3:49 AM on September 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
"Each to their own. Life's too short to mock things that make people happy."
"Yeah, but Hobby x!
"'Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.' It's right there in the Declaration of Independence. Case closed."
"Yeah, but--"
"For the last time: case closed."
I would speak firmly and interrupt them during their second or third rebuttal for emphasis.
posted by carmicha at 3:49 AM on September 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
When people are incredulous about Mr. McGee's hobbies (which are off the beaten path and about which he is super-intense), I often go with a cheerful, "Hey, keeps him off the streets!" or "Could be worse, could be hookers and blow!" Which maybe doesn't doesn't do the "100% support" part of your criteria (although I think it does, because I'm refusing to engage with their "omg hobby is terrible, right?" with a joking comment that shows I have no problem with it -- but teasing is supportive where I live, you only joke about things that are okay) but those answers do completely shut down the topic and move the conversation to a new topic, and nobody ever really tries it a second time. The second time someone wants to talk to me about Mr. McGee's hobbies after I said, "could be hookers and blow!" is to say, "Oh, hey, I saw an article about [obscure thing] and I thought of your husband ...."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:37 AM on September 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:37 AM on September 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
"S/he's not doing it to get your approval."
posted by drlith at 5:45 AM on September 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by drlith at 5:45 AM on September 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
I think for me it would depend on context for me. If someone was phrasing their dislike of the hobby as more of a personal preference than as a value judgment ("I just don't get horseback riding"), I'd probably respond with something like, "My beloved so-and-so is really into it, and s/he likes it because of X, Y, and Z."
If they were being SHITTY about it, especially if they already knew one of my faves was into it ("Ugh, horseback riding is such a useless hobby"), I'd like to believe I'd say something cool, but honestly, I'd probably shrug and say something like, "Eh, my beloved so-and-so seems to love it, and they're rad, so there's probably something to it."
And if they continue to stick their foot in their mouth after you have delicately reminded them that an important person in your life enjoys the thing they're trashing, I'd probably just try to figure out how to get away from that jerk in the usual conversation-ending fashion.
posted by helloimjennsco at 6:12 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
If they were being SHITTY about it, especially if they already knew one of my faves was into it ("Ugh, horseback riding is such a useless hobby"), I'd like to believe I'd say something cool, but honestly, I'd probably shrug and say something like, "Eh, my beloved so-and-so seems to love it, and they're rad, so there's probably something to it."
And if they continue to stick their foot in their mouth after you have delicately reminded them that an important person in your life enjoys the thing they're trashing, I'd probably just try to figure out how to get away from that jerk in the usual conversation-ending fashion.
posted by helloimjennsco at 6:12 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
"Pretty much all hobbies are lame if they're not your thing."
posted by SemiSalt at 6:20 AM on September 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by SemiSalt at 6:20 AM on September 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
Three ideas:
1) Express your relief that this level of scrutiny is not applied to you (or your concern that it might be). This is indirect enough not to come across (to most people) as an attack on what they said which would require further discussion. E.g., "Hah! We all have our thing, I'm glad he doesn't mind my earwax collection." Or "Hey, I'm in no position to judge, I don't have ANY hobbies. I've been thinking of taking up drawing though..."
2) Give a friendly rebuke, but immediately follow it up with a redirect so that returning to your friend's hobby would now be weirdly dogged criticism. E.g., "Hey, don't knock it till you try it! ...You know, I never saw the appeal of soccer when I was just watching, but it's so different to play. I just got started in a league at work. Have you ever played?" Or "...I spent 20 years refusing to eat brussel sprouts, and you know what, I just found out they're delicious. All these foods we thought were terrible as kids, I don't know how it works."
3) Point out a positive aspect of the hobby that your conversational partner would have a hard time disagreeing with, and make sure that that's now the topic of conversation: "Oh, I'm just impressed he's carved out the time! I want to make more time for [eating brussel sprouts] but I keep getting bogged down in work. Maybe if I got up early... but that's so hard!" or "It's such a tight-knit community, though! I wish [eating brussel sprouts] came with a ready-made community."
A shrug and "Wow [beat]... I think it's cool" with near-complete disinterest would be a more direct defense, but I can imagine situations where it'd be hard to pull off.
posted by cogitron at 6:24 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
1) Express your relief that this level of scrutiny is not applied to you (or your concern that it might be). This is indirect enough not to come across (to most people) as an attack on what they said which would require further discussion. E.g., "Hah! We all have our thing, I'm glad he doesn't mind my earwax collection." Or "Hey, I'm in no position to judge, I don't have ANY hobbies. I've been thinking of taking up drawing though..."
2) Give a friendly rebuke, but immediately follow it up with a redirect so that returning to your friend's hobby would now be weirdly dogged criticism. E.g., "Hey, don't knock it till you try it! ...You know, I never saw the appeal of soccer when I was just watching, but it's so different to play. I just got started in a league at work. Have you ever played?" Or "...I spent 20 years refusing to eat brussel sprouts, and you know what, I just found out they're delicious. All these foods we thought were terrible as kids, I don't know how it works."
3) Point out a positive aspect of the hobby that your conversational partner would have a hard time disagreeing with, and make sure that that's now the topic of conversation: "Oh, I'm just impressed he's carved out the time! I want to make more time for [eating brussel sprouts] but I keep getting bogged down in work. Maybe if I got up early... but that's so hard!" or "It's such a tight-knit community, though! I wish [eating brussel sprouts] came with a ready-made community."
A shrug and "Wow [beat]... I think it's cool" with near-complete disinterest would be a more direct defense, but I can imagine situations where it'd be hard to pull off.
posted by cogitron at 6:24 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
"I don't recall asking your opinion on so and so's hobby."
"I fully support so and so's enjoyment of yak shaving, let's move on."
I don't think there's any combination of short, decisive, and non-rude that won't offend some of the recipients but if they're starting things on a sour note by criticizing someone (especially a stranger), that's on them.
posted by Candleman at 6:27 AM on September 15, 2017
"I fully support so and so's enjoyment of yak shaving, let's move on."
I don't think there's any combination of short, decisive, and non-rude that won't offend some of the recipients but if they're starting things on a sour note by criticizing someone (especially a stranger), that's on them.
posted by Candleman at 6:27 AM on September 15, 2017
"Being happpy isn't for everyone".
posted by waving at 6:38 AM on September 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by waving at 6:38 AM on September 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
Don't follow the advice telling you to immediately go nuclear. If someone says "haha, D&D, I just don't get that weird nerd shit" or whatever, these fantasies about immediately telling them to go fuck themselves will in fact make you the asshole.
Just start with like, "oh actually it can be a really great hobby. I know people who get x y and z out of it. It's way more interesting than you might think!" Then take it from there. Most people will react with some shame, some won't, and then you can consider indulging in insults.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:43 AM on September 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
Just start with like, "oh actually it can be a really great hobby. I know people who get x y and z out of it. It's way more interesting than you might think!" Then take it from there. Most people will react with some shame, some won't, and then you can consider indulging in insults.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:43 AM on September 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
"That's rude."
I mean, literally, I would just tell them that. It is rude of them, it's not rude of you to point it out, considering it's not your grandmother or anything. I use this on my dad, honestly. "That's mean." "Why would you say that?" etc . . just let them feel bad for being mean. It's okay for people to feel the consequences of their bad behavior.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:45 AM on September 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
I mean, literally, I would just tell them that. It is rude of them, it's not rude of you to point it out, considering it's not your grandmother or anything. I use this on my dad, honestly. "That's mean." "Why would you say that?" etc . . just let them feel bad for being mean. It's okay for people to feel the consequences of their bad behavior.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:45 AM on September 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
My go-to in situations like that is to turn it back on the person being rude. "Why would you say something like that about my partner?", or "Wow, what a rude thing to say to me." That sort of thing. I refuse to spend time trying to justify anything about my life or the lives of the people I love to someone being so rude and judgmental, but it IS important to me that rude people know that I see them and that I don't accept their bullshit.
posted by palomar at 7:54 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by palomar at 7:54 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
Me and my SO both have really nerdy hobbies that we are into and which other people sometimes consider unappealing. That's on them. I think the first bit is to make sure you internalize that ("That's their issue, I love my hobby") so you're not sort of compensating for your own weird feelings about SOs hobby.
Like if there's truth to what they're saying (hey the hobby IS goofy but SO loves it and I love SO...) but they're also being a jerk about it, I'd suggest something different than if they were just flat out being awful. And I'm firmly in the no-irony/no-sarcasm camp Doesn't work for everyone and only you know who you are dealing with. But I'd rather people found me a little pollyannaish than a pain in the ass.
And lastly, the way to not engage in further conversation is just to ... not. You don't have to say you're not going to, you just let that conversation die on the vine and, if you're polite, you follow up with something else to say.
So, a few examples from my life...
"Your partner is in a "band" but really he just plays guitar with a bunch of guys in a basement once a week?"
"Yeah, it's so cool that he's got such a longtime group of friends, it's their little weekly routine"
"But do they ever play OUT?"
"Eh, I don't really think that's what he's into it for. Do you play any instruments yourself?"
"So I see your mom is out taking photos of icicles again..."
"Yeah it took me a while to really see what she saw in it, but the more I look the more I notice there is to see"
"But don't they all look the same?"
"Not to me...."
posted by jessamyn at 8:17 AM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
Like if there's truth to what they're saying (hey the hobby IS goofy but SO loves it and I love SO...) but they're also being a jerk about it, I'd suggest something different than if they were just flat out being awful. And I'm firmly in the no-irony/no-sarcasm camp Doesn't work for everyone and only you know who you are dealing with. But I'd rather people found me a little pollyannaish than a pain in the ass.
And lastly, the way to not engage in further conversation is just to ... not. You don't have to say you're not going to, you just let that conversation die on the vine and, if you're polite, you follow up with something else to say.
So, a few examples from my life...
"Your partner is in a "band" but really he just plays guitar with a bunch of guys in a basement once a week?"
"Yeah, it's so cool that he's got such a longtime group of friends, it's their little weekly routine"
"But do they ever play OUT?"
"Eh, I don't really think that's what he's into it for. Do you play any instruments yourself?"
"So I see your mom is out taking photos of icicles again..."
"Yeah it took me a while to really see what she saw in it, but the more I look the more I notice there is to see"
"But don't they all look the same?"
"Not to me...."
posted by jessamyn at 8:17 AM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure how to apply it to criticism of others' hobbies, but when someone expresses distaste for something I like, I grin and say "Good! More for me," which usually gets a laugh and closes the topic, or allows it to remain open with an acknowledgment that people are different and that's okay.
posted by Devoidoid at 8:18 AM on September 15, 2017
posted by Devoidoid at 8:18 AM on September 15, 2017
I wouldn't bother using curiosity on strangers, but "Why would you say that?" in a mild tone of voice might get you a thoughtful reply from an acquaintance. Might.
(Biggest reasons I can think of for being glum and hating on other people's hobbies are: Puritanism, being tight with money, and clinging to very rigid gender roles. Some of this attitude could have been installed when they were young by a parent with a no fun attitude to life. Sad, really.)
posted by puddledork at 8:25 AM on September 15, 2017
(Biggest reasons I can think of for being glum and hating on other people's hobbies are: Puritanism, being tight with money, and clinging to very rigid gender roles. Some of this attitude could have been installed when they were young by a parent with a no fun attitude to life. Sad, really.)
posted by puddledork at 8:25 AM on September 15, 2017
Me: Partner and I found a cool rpg game to play together! (To friend:) Maybe you and your partner could do it to as a way to stay connected while your partner's working out of town.
Stranger: Wow that sounds super nerdy.
Me: Ha, yeah we both love nerdy things.
Demonstrates that I don't care about the negative evaluation. And am willing to label myself the same way they labeled the other person. So, who cares if they don't like it.
posted by crunchy potato at 8:40 AM on September 15, 2017
Stranger: Wow that sounds super nerdy.
Me: Ha, yeah we both love nerdy things.
Demonstrates that I don't care about the negative evaluation. And am willing to label myself the same way they labeled the other person. So, who cares if they don't like it.
posted by crunchy potato at 8:40 AM on September 15, 2017
X: I just found out that Z does [activity]! So lame.
You: Don't you think everyone has their own pastimes that help them relax and have fun? I try not to judge because I sure wouldn't want someone judging the way I have fun. If it's not hurting anyone, why try to take that joy away? For some people it's football, for others it's Pokemon Go. [or whatever would work there] I think it's harmless.
Miss Zoot has a great blog post about not "pooping on other people's joy" which is highly relevant here!
posted by LKWorking at 8:42 AM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
You: Don't you think everyone has their own pastimes that help them relax and have fun? I try not to judge because I sure wouldn't want someone judging the way I have fun. If it's not hurting anyone, why try to take that joy away? For some people it's football, for others it's Pokemon Go. [or whatever would work there] I think it's harmless.
Miss Zoot has a great blog post about not "pooping on other people's joy" which is highly relevant here!
posted by LKWorking at 8:42 AM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
My favorite is just to say, "duly noted" and move the conversation or myself elsewhere.
Yeah, I usually just say, "Huh. Well, thanks for keeping me in the loop."
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:53 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I usually just say, "Huh. Well, thanks for keeping me in the loop."
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:53 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
I have a theory that the answer to like 50% of askme questions is embedded in the question title, and this is one is a perfect example. "I think it's cool." With a shruggy-smiley-face expression.
posted by selfmedicating at 10:01 AM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by selfmedicating at 10:01 AM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
"That's unkind."
posted by juliplease at 10:47 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by juliplease at 10:47 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
"Pokemon? Man thats tragic!"
"Really?!" -look of curious incredulity- "I find it fascinating!"
Basically just look weirded out/pitying/confused that they think it's odd or crap.
Act like they just said they don't like chocolate or that rainbows are shit or whatever.
"Really?! I think it's a fantastic way to spend time, so social and escapist".
posted by Iteki at 10:51 AM on September 15, 2017
"Really?!" -look of curious incredulity- "I find it fascinating!"
Basically just look weirded out/pitying/confused that they think it's odd or crap.
Act like they just said they don't like chocolate or that rainbows are shit or whatever.
"Really?! I think it's a fantastic way to spend time, so social and escapist".
posted by Iteki at 10:51 AM on September 15, 2017
"I try not to yuck other people's yums." Someone I know used this phrase and I think it might be a thing? I've seen it elsewhere a few times since. It's been helpful for me to keep in mind, since I have definitely been the person to wrinkle my nose at stuff other people like. Trying to be better every day!
posted by Lawn Beaver at 10:54 AM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Lawn Beaver at 10:54 AM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
How to respond really depends on the person saying it. Some people are just kinda brash and blurt out disdain for anything they themselves don't like. It's irritating, but not necessarily malicious. But some people use insults to gain influence over you, and in those cases, need to be shut down with rudeness back. Especially if they are badmouthing a partner; I would wonder about their motivations in doing so to you when partner is not around. It's super disrespectful.
If they are generally benign and often say rude stuff without meaning much by it, I tend to say things like;
"X is stupid!"
"Well life would be so boring if we liked all the same things!" or; "Life would be bland if we were all the same/all like you!" if I'm feeling gracious. But if they are trying to undermine my friend, or family or partner, and I feel the need to shut it down, then it's more like:
"X is stupid!"
"Well then it's real lucky I don't care what you think!" (If you're really feeling snarky, substitute 'don't care' with an expletive).
Or;
"X is so stupid,"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"X is so stupid!"
"I'm sorry, what's that?"
"X is stupid!!"
"I'm not sure I follow, what do you mean?"
"X IS STUPID"
"(confused) What is it that you're saying? I'm not sure I understand you."
Act super confused as if they're spouting gibberish, and repeat until they lose momentum and give up. It's usually sooner than one would think. I find this works on the people that are especially mean/judgmental about something and do this often. Also, sometimes, I ask them "why do you think that?" and make them explain themselves until their insults unravel. I find that when people are confronted and need to explain WHY they dislike/hate a certain thing, they often cannot because their hate is irrational. This depends on the person, though. Some people have a laundry list of reasons why they hate x thing and are all too happy to let you know.
posted by Dimes at 10:57 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
If they are generally benign and often say rude stuff without meaning much by it, I tend to say things like;
"X is stupid!"
"Well life would be so boring if we liked all the same things!" or; "Life would be bland if we were all the same/all like you!" if I'm feeling gracious. But if they are trying to undermine my friend, or family or partner, and I feel the need to shut it down, then it's more like:
"X is stupid!"
"Well then it's real lucky I don't care what you think!" (If you're really feeling snarky, substitute 'don't care' with an expletive).
Or;
"X is so stupid,"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"X is so stupid!"
"I'm sorry, what's that?"
"X is stupid!!"
"I'm not sure I follow, what do you mean?"
"X IS STUPID"
"(confused) What is it that you're saying? I'm not sure I understand you."
Act super confused as if they're spouting gibberish, and repeat until they lose momentum and give up. It's usually sooner than one would think. I find this works on the people that are especially mean/judgmental about something and do this often. Also, sometimes, I ask them "why do you think that?" and make them explain themselves until their insults unravel. I find that when people are confronted and need to explain WHY they dislike/hate a certain thing, they often cannot because their hate is irrational. This depends on the person, though. Some people have a laundry list of reasons why they hate x thing and are all too happy to let you know.
posted by Dimes at 10:57 AM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm reading your question like a person thinks they are making a general comment about the hobby. To borrow an example from the comment above;
Them: "Pokemon? Man thats tragic!"
Me: "Eh, it makes people happy, so who cares? They're not making you participate."
Now, if someone were to comment about my loved one specifically, such as
"Pokemon? I can't believe *Vign's Hubby* participates in that stupid game, it's such a waste of time."
I'd be way more specific about telling them that they were being rude, and why would they even make a comment about it when it doesn't affect their life one little iota.
posted by vignettist at 11:00 AM on September 15, 2017
Them: "Pokemon? Man thats tragic!"
Me: "Eh, it makes people happy, so who cares? They're not making you participate."
Now, if someone were to comment about my loved one specifically, such as
"Pokemon? I can't believe *Vign's Hubby* participates in that stupid game, it's such a waste of time."
I'd be way more specific about telling them that they were being rude, and why would they even make a comment about it when it doesn't affect their life one little iota.
posted by vignettist at 11:00 AM on September 15, 2017
I'm a little confused how these types of conversations start with a stranger or acquaintance or why you feel the need to defend your partner from people who don't know. Why does it matter if these random people think your partner's hobbies are dumb?
Are these people just saying things like, "Stamp collecting is dull. I don't understand why anyone bothers," or are they saying, "I can't believe your partner wastes his money on stamps! What's wrong with you for allowing him to waste his money like that?"
If the former, I'd say something like, "My husband enjoys stamp collecting as a way to connect with an older relative who can't get around well anymore. It's been a great way for him to get to know his relative."
If the latter, I'd try to say something that would make the other person feel guilty. Since these are strangers, you can just make something up that will make the other person feel guilty, "Well, my husband was raised by his grandfather who had limited mobility. One of the things they shared was stamp collecting. It means a lot to my husband to carry on this tradition now that his grandfather is gone. "
posted by parakeetdog at 12:20 PM on September 15, 2017
Are these people just saying things like, "Stamp collecting is dull. I don't understand why anyone bothers," or are they saying, "I can't believe your partner wastes his money on stamps! What's wrong with you for allowing him to waste his money like that?"
If the former, I'd say something like, "My husband enjoys stamp collecting as a way to connect with an older relative who can't get around well anymore. It's been a great way for him to get to know his relative."
If the latter, I'd try to say something that would make the other person feel guilty. Since these are strangers, you can just make something up that will make the other person feel guilty, "Well, my husband was raised by his grandfather who had limited mobility. One of the things they shared was stamp collecting. It means a lot to my husband to carry on this tradition now that his grandfather is gone. "
posted by parakeetdog at 12:20 PM on September 15, 2017
I would shrug (or laugh, more likely) and say "he likes it." And there would be nothing more to say. Because I can assure you that the only person who cares less about what others think about his hobbies than me, is my husband.
posted by lyssabee at 1:31 PM on September 15, 2017
posted by lyssabee at 1:31 PM on September 15, 2017
My go-to in these sorts of situations is:
*shrug* followed by *brow furrow/eyebrow raise/quizzical disbelief face* ending with "Alright then", said in either a neutral or jokey tone, depending on how much of a jerk they are being.
I think it works for me because firstly, it's not really rude used in this context (though definitely can be in others since it's sorta passive aggressive) and how people interpret it is mostly to do with their own feelings about their behaviour. Secondly, if they were an accidental asshole and their comment didn't land how they intended, it gives them space to say 'Oh, I didn't mean etc etc.'. Lastly, it conveys that I don't really care about they've said and I'm not going to engage with it. If they have a modicum of emotional intelligence they'll pick up on this. The next thing that comes out of their mouth will show if I need to be more assertive ('Hey, that's not ok. If you're not into it that's fine but I'm not going to stand here and listen to you shit talk Other Person') or whether the conversation can just continue normally.
If someone is just kind of a jerk, I don't think much I say is going to make them feel bad about saying rude stuff because they play by different rules to me. Some people just aren't very self-aware for all sorts of reasons. It's very hard to both create boundaries and not feel too confrontational. If people are nice, generally they'll get that they faux-pas'd and compensate for that.
posted by BeeJiddy at 3:34 PM on September 15, 2017
*shrug* followed by *brow furrow/eyebrow raise/quizzical disbelief face* ending with "Alright then", said in either a neutral or jokey tone, depending on how much of a jerk they are being.
I think it works for me because firstly, it's not really rude used in this context (though definitely can be in others since it's sorta passive aggressive) and how people interpret it is mostly to do with their own feelings about their behaviour. Secondly, if they were an accidental asshole and their comment didn't land how they intended, it gives them space to say 'Oh, I didn't mean etc etc.'. Lastly, it conveys that I don't really care about they've said and I'm not going to engage with it. If they have a modicum of emotional intelligence they'll pick up on this. The next thing that comes out of their mouth will show if I need to be more assertive ('Hey, that's not ok. If you're not into it that's fine but I'm not going to stand here and listen to you shit talk Other Person') or whether the conversation can just continue normally.
If someone is just kind of a jerk, I don't think much I say is going to make them feel bad about saying rude stuff because they play by different rules to me. Some people just aren't very self-aware for all sorts of reasons. It's very hard to both create boundaries and not feel too confrontational. If people are nice, generally they'll get that they faux-pas'd and compensate for that.
posted by BeeJiddy at 3:34 PM on September 15, 2017
"Yes, it's very fashionable to throw shade on <hobby>."
And then you let them stew in that for a while, as you move on.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 12:19 AM on September 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
And then you let them stew in that for a while, as you move on.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 12:19 AM on September 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
I usually start with a shrug and "hey, it keeps him off the streets." If they persist (which they almost never do) I pause, give them a curious look and say "what has that got to do with you?"
posted by rpfields at 3:39 PM on September 16, 2017
posted by rpfields at 3:39 PM on September 16, 2017
Some of the above comments seem to give the impression that you also look down on the hobby but support the person, which is kind of icky. If someone says, "hobby x is so lame", I would keep it short: "no, not really", and leave it at that.
posted by Vaike at 6:22 PM on September 16, 2017
posted by Vaike at 6:22 PM on September 16, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
Me: Oh I love that they're into hobby X. It keeps them so level. Before hobby X all they would do is obsess on people who said negative things about them, sometimes to the point of violence. Now they're cheery all the time and I don't have as many bodies to dispose of.
posted by OHenryPacey at 11:30 PM on September 14, 2017 [30 favorites]