Teenagers and Feelings

August 1, 2017 5:46 PM

How to let a group of teenagers know that they were not chosen.

I am a volunteer at a highschool. I manage the band uniform inventory. There are group of band students (about 9 or 10 kids) who are assigned to help with uniforms. I just made one of the students the "lead". All of the students are great and work hard. I made this person the lead because she's take charge, responsible, and not afraid to talk and amplify her voice when it's needed. The criteria for choosing the lead (based on previous volunteer) is to see what student helps the most, shows up the most, is enthusiastic, etc, but most have been helpful. This person would announce to the band anything related to uniforms.

I wish I never picked a lead when most of them are great. These kids do a lot of uniform tasks. It's a lot of work. I told the "lead" that I might pick a co-lead down the road. That was kind of impulsive. Picking a lead felt wrong and now I am obligating myself to pick a co-lead?

This is not something that is chosen by the band director. This is me choosing her as lead because she can be in charge if I'm not there and she can communicate with the rest of the uniform volunteer group.

I didn't tell the rest of the kids that I chose this person as the lead. I just went up and asked her if she wanted to be lead and told her what the job entailed. Now, I'm posed with the task of telling the rest of the kids that I chose her as lead. Most probably will not care, or even know there is a "lead" position, but there are some (other Juniors) who may question why they were not chosen? There are people in this group who were gunning for more "prestigious" band leadership positions but they're "stuck" in uniforms.

I might be overthinking. Thanks for any advice.

posted by loveandhappiness to Human Relations (21 answers total)

You're overthinking this. The other students likely won't care, and if they do, then it's time for them to figure out what to do with those feelings in a polite, productive way. There are so, so many worse competitions that can happen in band and this is like bottom of the list!
posted by Hermione Granger at 5:53 PM on August 1, 2017 [26 favorites]

It's a little bit different, but I had retail jobs in high school where we were all pretty friendly and around the same age. However, some of my coworkers were given seniority and more responsibility even though they weren't any older (and we were all more or less hired at the same time). They were the ones who were in charge when the managers weren't around.

I did not care or think anything of it. It wasn't something I wanted to be doing.

Just say "So-and-so is in charge when I'm not here or otherwise occupied. She'll be able to give you direction if you need it and answer your questions" and leave it at that. You don't need to get into why (and I think most people will understand why she is, honestly). If some are upset, they'll need to learn to get over it because this will happen many more times in their lives.

To me, learning to deal with these situations is just a part of growing up.
posted by darksong at 6:05 PM on August 1, 2017 [21 favorites]

I think kids see this even more often than adults do, so it probably isn't foreign as a concept to them* and the stakes are probably lower for them. Let everyone know that X is going to be the lead volunteer and will be helping run xyz tasks, and that you appreciate everyone's hard work immensely.

*Especially assuming your band has "chairs".

If there are kids who are hurt or whatever, have a private conversation with them and tell them you appreciate their work and generally be encouraging. It'll be fine.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:06 PM on August 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

When I was in high school, a teacher told me she had chosen someone else to be the head of a club since "some people are leaders and some aren't, and you aren't a leader." So long as you don't say that, I'm sure you'll be fine!
posted by ferret branca at 6:09 PM on August 1, 2017 [37 favorites]

Yah, I was a Very Serious choir kid, in a few competitive-but-loving groups, and when it was time to announce who'd gotten big solo parts or a position as Captain, our director just... announced it to the group.

No serious one-on-one talks, no over-wrought feedback (unless we asked for it), yada yada.

Ya win some, ya lose some.

Just a simple "So! It was a really tough decision because so many of you are so hard-working and dedicated, but this year's leader is... Taryn! Yay Taryn! I know all of you will help her out because you're awesome."

The end.
posted by functionequalsform at 6:34 PM on August 1, 2017 [14 favorites]

One way you can try to frame it is to ask that the group all give extra help to the leader kid, since they now have extra responsibilities. But yeah, you're overthinking it. If there are any kids in the group who feel snubbed you'll know in a little while, and maybe the lead kid can help you delegate some jobs to them so they feel good about being responsible for something, but this is just a thing that happens and is part of growing up and being in groups. High school kids get that.
posted by Mizu at 6:53 PM on August 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Some will probably care, though they are probably too polite to show it. You're _not_ wrong to have this bit of empathy, though you'd be forgiven for overlooking it. Mostly, though, this is a potentially very good thing you've done.

Minor though this seems, this kind of thing does affect self-image -- mostly in a positive way, for the one who is leading. I'd love a world where every person felt some obligation to lead when there's a clear need, and had some skill to do so. This kind of thing can develop that skill and attitude.

I'm not telling you to feel guilty! Quite the opposite; you've given this person a clear opportunity to develop leadership skill, in a low-stress (for her) way. Bonus points since she's a girl.

Two things you might want to consider, though:

1) Maybe let the position rotate, informally, so that everyone gets a chance to learn a little about this kind of thing. Let each person know how to do a good job, too: the vocal projection, the need to be just a little more organized than usual, to be a little more prompt, etc. If they're doing it already, then you're just letting them know that they're doing a good thing and that not everyone does this -- you're complimenting them and letting them know they're not wasting effort.

2) Mention it to anyone else (the band leader?) who might need to know. They can avoid accidentally getting in the way of the current leader, and they might benefit from knowing that one of the band members is already in a coordinating role - they may have an additional bit of information for the lead to pass along, or some tiny thing to hand out, or something.
posted by amtho at 6:58 PM on August 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

If you told the lead already, you can be pretty sure that when you go to tell the rest of the group, it will not be a surprise.

The students that care will be disappointed, but understanding. The upset might come from not being able to put it on their college application. Leadership positions are coveted for many reasons, one of which is the college application.
posted by AugustWest at 7:19 PM on August 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Simply announce the student will be the new lead - you don't have to explain why she was chosen or why someone else wasn't - just the fact that this person who do the job. I would be surprised if anyone asked you how she was chosen. If they do, tell the truth - there were many people capable of doing the job but, given that you could only pick one, you chose her as the strongest candidate. If they ask for details or try to argue, it is none of their business, just repeat that she was the strongest candidate among a strong group of candidates.
posted by metahawk at 7:49 PM on August 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

They are almost certainly used to this - each section has a leader, and it's not all (or even mostly) assigned based on skill, or at least it wasn't at our HS; nor was it tried out for like chairs, it was just decided by the band director by fiat. Even if they don't have that, by now it's not a foreign concept to them that once a group reaches a certain size, it needs leadership. If some few of them get upset about it, they'll probably work it out among themselves. Don't shut down conversation if they come to you individually asking about why you chose that person/why wasn't I chosen, but you don't have to start out making it a thing.

Check in with her in a few weeks/couple months and see if she thinks she needs a co-lead. She might not, in which case hooray, no drama.
posted by solotoro at 7:59 PM on August 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I think if there had been a whole competition or application/selection process for the position that would be one thing, because then people would have had a chance to get invested and have their hopes up, but it sounds like you just tapped someone to be in charge? That's not a big deal. Just make sure she doesn't abuse her power, keep an eye on the group dynamics, and don't treat this like it's some hugely important position or prize (it really doesn't sound like it is).
posted by trig at 8:25 PM on August 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

(And yeah, just announce it casually. It shouldn't be any big thing.)
posted by trig at 8:28 PM on August 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I was in marching band. I was the school's first freshman snare player, beating out older kids, and I helped choose the lineup in later years before being section leader my senior year and making the decision myself. They already know why the lead would be chosen, don't worry about it. Those who are glad they aren't going to be the one to "announce anything to the band related to uniforms" know they can try again next year. Teenagers generally don't want responsibility.
posted by rhizome at 10:23 PM on August 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

It's only an issue if you make it one. Acting weird about it sends a signal that it's weird, or that you're somehow favoring this person. (Don't favor that person. Yes give other kids responsibilities as appropriate so it's not always just this lead person.) They are the lead because they're responsible and willing to help out. End of discussion.
posted by Wretch729 at 12:04 AM on August 2, 2017 [4 favorites]

Everone else is the Lead's "Council."

Everyone.

If the Council votes (or whatever they settle with), then you step in and "have a talk."

It's much less crazy if you can get the *everyone* (acusor/acucd-esed) to back you.

As for dealing with teens: Exactly what you share with us. Share your worries and concerns with them and *listen*
posted by porpoise at 12:28 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

Some will care, some will be upset but welcome to the real world. This is something they'll likely experience repeatedly over the course of their life for things that matter WAY more than who is chief in charge of band uniforms. They've probably already experienced it a ton of times. There are so many situations where everyone has worked hard but there can be only 1 winner. Just announce it, if anyone questions it - be honest, everyone has worked really hard but you felt this person has the strongest leadership skills
posted by missmagenta at 2:37 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

Rhizome is spot on. Anyone who really cares will be asking for extra responsibility and it would be stupid to overlook someone who wants to do more work. Let them take on a bigger role or ask them to find a niche thing to do.

High schoolers deal with adult arbitrary decisions all day, this is nothing different. You sound very nice and not arbitrary though, I'm sure they would get why you chose that person.
posted by yueliang at 5:06 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]

The way you're thinking about this is... catastrophizing and not really accurate.

"They weren't chosen" implies that they were all devoutly auditioning for this "lead" responsibility and will obviously be disappointed that they didn't "get" it. That is not what happened here. You assigned some extra work to the one you figured would be most able to do it. It's not something that is going to disappoint anyone else, unless you make it weird.

"I've asked Felicia to help out with uniform assignments, so anytime I'm not here, she'll be the one to help the group. Thank you Felicia! Ok back to work."
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:22 AM on August 2, 2017 [6 favorites]

Don't ever volunteer to be cheerleader sponsor, that's for sure. As a band parent, I can tell you that not being first chair is a much bigger issue than not getting to be in charge of the uniforms. That would be considered work, not prestige. Teenagers aren't fond of work. And not being first chair was shrugged off in a day or so.
posted by tamitang at 6:52 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

Solotoro has it. The biggest concern you should have is if you selected someone who is a section leader not in name but in fact, and is maybe then overtaxed when the season starts. Checking in once things are underway solves that problem.
posted by gnomeloaf at 9:33 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

I do a lot with applications processes and students and such. This seems an extremely minor position (and hopefully that's not offensive, I have no idea how important or not it is to manage band uniforms but it sounds a lot less important than say, being the actual leader of the band). The importance and specifics of the position aside though, this is what I've learned. If you want to end up in the best position after announcing your selection:

Make the position, the criteria, and the process as transparent as possible from day 1. For something as simple as your position, this would mean telling students on their first day "I'm going to choose a new lead uniform volunteer next week. The criteria for choosing the lead are helpfulness, good attendance, and enthusiasm."

This levels the playing field in the sense that everyone is aware that "I could have been a contender for role X. The criteria were A, B, C. Other person was chosen. Hence, other person must have been more A, B, C than I was."

My experience suggests that the majority of people will be apathetic to your choice. A smaller number of people will react resiliently: "I wanted that position. Oh well, guess I'll try harder next time!" A smaller number still will react with poor coping skills, i.e. questioning your choice or thinking the choice was unfair. If they knew the criteria and you believe you objectively chose the best person, there is nothing to feel guilty for, and you tell these people that you appreciated their help but the person you chose was the best for the role, then forget about it.

For a position this minor it would be absolutely unwarranted, but aside from transparency, the best way to ensure a fair process would be to involve more people in making the decision, proving its objectivity. The way you did things was absolutely appropriate for this situation, though.

P.S. Don't pick a co-lead.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 3:53 AM on August 3, 2017 [2 favorites]