Should I attend a coworker's funeral if I didn't know him well?

July 29, 2017 11:40 AM

I work in a 50-person office and have seen this coworker about a dozen times, talked to him once. I don't know anything about his personal life, but he was with this office his entire life. Should I attend the funeral? I've never been to one before, so not sure what the expectations are.

I work in a typical office job (about 50 employees), and an older co-worker recently passed away. He was with the company for his entire life. He was already a bit sick when I joined about 5 years ago, so I only saw him maybe a dozen times during my time there (he was mostly on medical leave). I talked to him once about something he worked on a while back, but that's about it.

I didn't feel particularly affected by his passing, since I didn't really know anything about his personal life. I don't think he knew my name, but probably recognized my face. The CEO emailed to the entire office the information about his funeral. Am I expected to attend?

posted by lpctstr; to Human Relations (24 answers total)

I would not, if I had no real connection to him or his family.

If you want to be helpful, see if there's anything you can do to help cover for someone who wants to go - answering a phone or whatever.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:46 AM on July 29, 2017 [14 favorites]

No don't worry about attending.
The bosses don't know which staff he was friends with so they do need to let everyone know about arrangements.
If the services are during work hours you could volunteer to cover for other staff to attend.
posted by calgirl at 11:46 AM on July 29, 2017 [5 favorites]

No. The notification doesn't mean that attending the funeral is compulsory. It's simply to let people who knew the colleague better and perhaps have been more affected by his death the details. They may choose to attend, or maybe send flowers to the funeral home instead.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 11:47 AM on July 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

No need to go. If there is a place where people are posting their condolences, post a quick one liner.
posted by AugustWest at 11:50 AM on July 29, 2017

I would go. Some workplaces become like work family. If this person spent his life working there it is a good thing to see him off. Your coworkers will be there, and it is a good time to bond, or at least hold up one fiftieth of the social fabric that unites in common humanity. Sometimes an event like this is a beginning, and it is definitely a closing of ranks, and mutually respectful act to attend such an event.
posted by Oyéah at 12:08 PM on July 29, 2017 [32 favorites]

You definitely don't have to go, but it's fine to go if you want to. Going to a funeral is always a nice thing to do, and sometimes people think that they need to justify having a close enough relationship to the deceased to merit being there. People usually appreciate having a good turnout at the funeral of someone they care about, and you're doing a nice thing if you go to the funeral of a co-worker or other acquaintance.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 12:21 PM on July 29, 2017 [15 favorites]

Funerals are for the living. If someone you are close with at work is feeling this coworker's loss keenly, then it would be entirely appropriate to attend, it would show support for THAT person. But you definitely have no obligation to attend.
posted by solotoro at 12:24 PM on July 29, 2017 [6 favorites]

It wouldn't be weird to go, and it wouldn't be weird not to go, unless the CEO is shutting down the office for the morning or something else that makes it seem much more like the entire office is attending.
posted by lazuli at 12:34 PM on July 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

It is never wrong to go to a funeral, but it doesn't sound like it would be expected in this case. I probably wouldn't go.
posted by gideonfrog at 1:19 PM on July 29, 2017 [4 favorites]

If he was with the office his entire life, I would definitely go to the funeral. You're standing up not for yourself, but for the many colleagues he may have interacted with over the years, and the family usually feels good about it.
posted by corb at 1:20 PM on July 29, 2017 [17 favorites]

Am I expected to attend?

No. However, if you want to attend, I'm sure your presence would be welcomed, even if you just briefly checked in and out. In my experience, nobody wants a small funeral. Neither the recently deceased, nor the grieving family. Even if you are not particularly affected, perhaps one of your good work buddies is, and they might like to have a calm friendly acquaintance there too.

Finally, if you've really never been to a funeral, it might be kind of a good learning experience to show up and see how they go before you have to go to one that is devastating for you personally. That may sound crass, but I do mean it in the best way. Death comes for us all, and particularly in the modern secular USA, a lot of us have very little familiarity with it right up until it hits staggeringly close, and that I think makes grieving even worse.
posted by SaltySalticid at 1:24 PM on July 29, 2017 [37 favorites]

It's a REALLY nice thing for the family if people show up. A friend was just telling me that a good number of attendees at his parents' funerals were waitstaff from restaurants where they were regulars. (Think decades of twice-weekly IHOP dinners). This was a long time ago and you could tell that it still meant something to him, all these years later, that those folks showed up. So if your he really didn't have much going on outside the office it would be a nice thing if some coworkers showed up. Also, remember the immortal words of Yogi Berra: if you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.
posted by selfmedicating at 3:50 PM on July 29, 2017 [9 favorites]

I would go because the funeral isn't for him, it's for his family. If he worked there his entire life, it will comfort his family to know that so many people cared enough to go to his funeral. They will probably be upset if it doesn't appear that pretty much the entire office attended.
posted by MexicanYenta at 4:08 PM on July 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm a big fan of this essay: Always Go to the Funeral.
posted by FencingGal at 4:42 PM on July 29, 2017 [19 favorites]

I had something happen similar. I worked with a young woman and her husband died after a years long battle with Leukemia that everyone in the office was aware of. I went. I had only met her husband three times, but that wasn't the thing really. I don't know, I find weddings and funerals kind of cathartic.

I also know in little towns in the midwest, a funeral is a "thing". It's a social gathering of people. It's a celebration of the deceased's life, and also a reminiscing session. I had nothing to offer in that way, but I also know how funerals work here. Someone had to pick up all the tables and all the chairs and flowers and all that while the actual grieving people have time to grieve.

So I was there with 500 other people who loved this man. And it was a beautiful service. And I cried, because I always cry at funerals and marriages. And afterward myself and a few other people picked up all the chairs and all the tables and put everything back. No one had to pay for that, funerals are expensive enough.

I left after cleaning up.

I never had a second thought about it. I lived in a big city then, but I grew up in a small town in Iowa. That's just what you do, even if you vaguely know the person. You show up. Funerals and Marriages tie the community together there. It's just all I know.
posted by sanka at 6:12 PM on July 29, 2017 [9 favorites]

Finally, if you've really never been to a funeral, it might be kind of a good learning experience to show up and see how they go before you have to go to one that is devastating for you personally.

That's actually a really insightful comment.
posted by Jahaza at 6:16 PM on July 29, 2017 [9 favorites]

Am I expected to attend?

Short answer: No

Long answer: Funerals are not about the person who died. They're dead. Funerals are about those who are still alive. They are about showing love, support, and human compassion for those who are feeling deep loss. Based on the description of your office culture, many of your colleagues are experiencing deep loss. This may sound harsh, but I think you need to decide whether living through some uncomfortableness is worth a commendable display of empathy towards your co-workers.
posted by Mr. X at 7:07 PM on July 29, 2017 [2 favorites]

I don't think you have to go, but if you did, it would be more about your relationship with your current co-workers. For those who are affected, it might be nice to see that you are there offering condolences and sharing support. For me, funerals are difficult and make me deeply uncomfortable, so I'm not sure I could do it, but if you think you can handle, it might be a good move just to put in a good showing of concern for your co-workers. I had a young co-worker unexpectedly die and I had just started and met him once, so I did not attend, but people in my office were devastated about it, so it was a tough situation.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:06 PM on July 29, 2017

I wouldn't go. someone needs to stay in the office, right? that seems like the more useful thing to do. I think it would be fine if you went but no one will miss you, really. there are about 50 people in my office and I would go to most of their funerals, but not all. there are some people I just don't interact with.
posted by katieanne at 7:19 AM on July 30, 2017

You're not obligated to go. That said, I was once in a similar situation, decided to join the group from work that was attending, and have always been glad that I did.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:06 AM on July 30, 2017

When my husband passed away last year, lots of his coworkers attended the funeral. I was a bit strategic about location and time of the service (near his office, on a Tuesday afternoon while people would be at work) in the hopes that would happen. I doubt all of those coworkers knew him well, and I imagine some attended essentially because it was a change of pace from being at work. However, it meant a lot to his parents and other family that so many people attended.

I have skipped lots of work related funerals in the past, because I figured I didn't know people well enough or whatever. Now I would definitely attend.

So I would say if you won't feel hugely anxious or uncomfortable, go.
posted by jeoc at 11:13 AM on July 30, 2017 [5 favorites]

I had an experience similar to jeoc's at my father's memorial service last year. If I were in your position, I would go for the sake of your colleague's family.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 12:23 PM on July 30, 2017

I have never regretted going to a funeral.
posted by crookedneighbor at 1:46 PM on July 30, 2017 [3 favorites]

I have regretted going to a funeral.

Don't feel pressured to go if you don't want to - it doesn't have to be a learning experience. urbanwhaleshark has a good take on the communication you received.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 5:11 PM on July 31, 2017