I stuck around too long feeling sorry for myself
July 2, 2017 5:24 AM Subscribe
My dream job didn’t work out. I’m miserable and yet I can’t motivate myself to look for something better because I don’t think there is anything better.
A few years ago, I landed my dream job: interesting work on an issue I care about at a well-respected organization in an exciting location at a comfortable wage. There are lots of other perks: smart and funny coworkers who are my friends, casual dress code, flexible schedule, easy commute.
Things went well for the first couple years but then went downhill. All the usual suspects: Micromanaging, critical and continuously unsatisfied higher ups, bloated and bureaucratic organization, backstabbing, grudgeholding and credit mongering. Favoritism. Double standards. I’ll spare you the details, but I’ll never get a promotion. My work is also getting less interesting, and I don't see that changing either.
I’ve gone on some interviews and gotten a couple offers. I turned them down because it felt like a lateral move. For example, at one the management seemed wonderful and the work more interesting, but the pay was the same, the commute was an hour a day longer and more stressful, and the organization was small and the job had no social aspects, so I’d be spending all my days silently staring at the computer, which I know from experience I hate and would lead me to just ruminate my way into further unhappiness. I just don’t see how I’d be happier trading one set of miseries for another, so why not stick with the devil I know? And I guess I still have a kernel of hope that things will work out here somehow. A couple people told me to take that job while I look for something else or use it as stepping stone to increase my skills, but I couldn’t muster the energy and enthusiasm required to succeed at a new job already knowing I wanted to leave it.
But I don’t think I’m going to get the job that has everything I want because (1.) I don’t have the skills. Based on the offers I’ve gotten, I think I’ve hit the top of my industry with my current skill set. (Actually…this is me.) I feel like I’m on the cusp of being too old (mid-30s) to learn new skills well enough to make it in a new field in this city of smart, hungry people. But with enough time, effort, and determination…but how can I muster it, when the end is probably some start-up where we work in those dreadful open floor plan arrangements (God, I hated cubes) or some private company where I only get two weeks of vacation a year or have to work 60 hours a week. And (2.) I don’t think it exists. I think this is just what work is. I periodically talk with people who want to work here and hear about how much worse their jobs are. I read about job situations in the questions on Ask that are much worse than mine. I think back to the job I had before this one which was really terrible, with no good points at all.
I have tried these mental tricks:
- Telling myself that part of my job, part of what I’m getting this higher compensation for, is putting up with these negatives.
- Practicing gratitude and being thankful for the things I do enjoy about my current job.
- Taking stock of the strengths and advantages I have in my life.
- Detaching from and compartmentalizing work. (I am not my job, it doesn’t matter, etc.), Making sure to schedule fun things in the evening and leaving on time.
- Giving myself stern talkings to about how I need to grow the fuck up and do some things I don’t want to do sometimes, like temporarily giving up some comforts if I want to advance in my career or sucking it up and accepting the culture if I want to keep my perks.
These tricks don’t work. What happens is I drag my feet doing my work although it hurts no one but me. I just can’t motivate myself. I am angry and resentful all the time. Even just an e-mail worded a certain way can set me off recounting all the slights and sins of the past few years. But I come home and all I do about it is lay on the couch and feel bad. What happens is I feel completely hopeless about the future.
Why, yes, I am actively depressed and have always struggled with negative thinking. Last year I had a bad relapse that I came out of this year but recently I feel myself sliding back in. I just had my meds adjusted but in the meantime I need massive amounts of caffeine or cold medicine to get through the day, which sometimes works really well and sometimes doesn’t work at all. I was in therapy the last half of last year but my therapist moved, and I felt like she was telling me the same thing over and over anyway. I’ve been in and out of therapy for years. I know all the books. I catch myself thinking, if only something big would just click in my life I’d get out of this funk. Why can’t I catch a break? Why am I stuck here? I look at other people with envy and try to figure out why they got what I want. Deep down I know my cage is really this depression.
It does not help that the other big area of my life, romantic relationships, is not going well either. I would like a relationship and have been actively searching for one for the past three years, but I haven’t had one. And I mean not even close, unless you count the couple of people I fell hard for who found me utterly lacking. I recently came to the conclusion that this is just not going to happen for me, a not beautiful person in a sea of beautiful people. I am realistic. So I’m putting a lot of pressure on my career to work out and be fulfilling while also supporting me financially for the long-haul. I do have friends and hobbies, but it just feels hollow when I think of neither my career nor a relationship working out for my life.
tl;dr: My job is too good to leave, too bad to stay. How do I get myself unstuck and motivate myself to do anything when it feels like no matter what I do, nothing will improve? If things get worse I’m not sure I can handle it.
This is anonymous for obvious reasons, but I’m happy to MeMail. Thank you.
A few years ago, I landed my dream job: interesting work on an issue I care about at a well-respected organization in an exciting location at a comfortable wage. There are lots of other perks: smart and funny coworkers who are my friends, casual dress code, flexible schedule, easy commute.
Things went well for the first couple years but then went downhill. All the usual suspects: Micromanaging, critical and continuously unsatisfied higher ups, bloated and bureaucratic organization, backstabbing, grudgeholding and credit mongering. Favoritism. Double standards. I’ll spare you the details, but I’ll never get a promotion. My work is also getting less interesting, and I don't see that changing either.
I’ve gone on some interviews and gotten a couple offers. I turned them down because it felt like a lateral move. For example, at one the management seemed wonderful and the work more interesting, but the pay was the same, the commute was an hour a day longer and more stressful, and the organization was small and the job had no social aspects, so I’d be spending all my days silently staring at the computer, which I know from experience I hate and would lead me to just ruminate my way into further unhappiness. I just don’t see how I’d be happier trading one set of miseries for another, so why not stick with the devil I know? And I guess I still have a kernel of hope that things will work out here somehow. A couple people told me to take that job while I look for something else or use it as stepping stone to increase my skills, but I couldn’t muster the energy and enthusiasm required to succeed at a new job already knowing I wanted to leave it.
But I don’t think I’m going to get the job that has everything I want because (1.) I don’t have the skills. Based on the offers I’ve gotten, I think I’ve hit the top of my industry with my current skill set. (Actually…this is me.) I feel like I’m on the cusp of being too old (mid-30s) to learn new skills well enough to make it in a new field in this city of smart, hungry people. But with enough time, effort, and determination…but how can I muster it, when the end is probably some start-up where we work in those dreadful open floor plan arrangements (God, I hated cubes) or some private company where I only get two weeks of vacation a year or have to work 60 hours a week. And (2.) I don’t think it exists. I think this is just what work is. I periodically talk with people who want to work here and hear about how much worse their jobs are. I read about job situations in the questions on Ask that are much worse than mine. I think back to the job I had before this one which was really terrible, with no good points at all.
I have tried these mental tricks:
- Telling myself that part of my job, part of what I’m getting this higher compensation for, is putting up with these negatives.
- Practicing gratitude and being thankful for the things I do enjoy about my current job.
- Taking stock of the strengths and advantages I have in my life.
- Detaching from and compartmentalizing work. (I am not my job, it doesn’t matter, etc.), Making sure to schedule fun things in the evening and leaving on time.
- Giving myself stern talkings to about how I need to grow the fuck up and do some things I don’t want to do sometimes, like temporarily giving up some comforts if I want to advance in my career or sucking it up and accepting the culture if I want to keep my perks.
These tricks don’t work. What happens is I drag my feet doing my work although it hurts no one but me. I just can’t motivate myself. I am angry and resentful all the time. Even just an e-mail worded a certain way can set me off recounting all the slights and sins of the past few years. But I come home and all I do about it is lay on the couch and feel bad. What happens is I feel completely hopeless about the future.
Why, yes, I am actively depressed and have always struggled with negative thinking. Last year I had a bad relapse that I came out of this year but recently I feel myself sliding back in. I just had my meds adjusted but in the meantime I need massive amounts of caffeine or cold medicine to get through the day, which sometimes works really well and sometimes doesn’t work at all. I was in therapy the last half of last year but my therapist moved, and I felt like she was telling me the same thing over and over anyway. I’ve been in and out of therapy for years. I know all the books. I catch myself thinking, if only something big would just click in my life I’d get out of this funk. Why can’t I catch a break? Why am I stuck here? I look at other people with envy and try to figure out why they got what I want. Deep down I know my cage is really this depression.
It does not help that the other big area of my life, romantic relationships, is not going well either. I would like a relationship and have been actively searching for one for the past three years, but I haven’t had one. And I mean not even close, unless you count the couple of people I fell hard for who found me utterly lacking. I recently came to the conclusion that this is just not going to happen for me, a not beautiful person in a sea of beautiful people. I am realistic. So I’m putting a lot of pressure on my career to work out and be fulfilling while also supporting me financially for the long-haul. I do have friends and hobbies, but it just feels hollow when I think of neither my career nor a relationship working out for my life.
tl;dr: My job is too good to leave, too bad to stay. How do I get myself unstuck and motivate myself to do anything when it feels like no matter what I do, nothing will improve? If things get worse I’m not sure I can handle it.
This is anonymous for obvious reasons, but I’m happy to MeMail. Thank you.
This isn't about the job - you are depressed and need to find a new therapist.
If the therapist you were going to isn't challenging you or giving you anything new, treat them like any other contractor - find another until they work for you. We're all different and need different things and it sometimes takes a while to find a therapy style and personality fit that works for you. Keep at it.
Also - I'm not sure whether you are in regular contact with your doctor, but if you need massive amounts of caffeine and cold medicine (!) every day to get through the day, you should really be talking to a health professional about that too.
posted by notorious medium at 6:29 AM on July 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
If the therapist you were going to isn't challenging you or giving you anything new, treat them like any other contractor - find another until they work for you. We're all different and need different things and it sometimes takes a while to find a therapy style and personality fit that works for you. Keep at it.
Also - I'm not sure whether you are in regular contact with your doctor, but if you need massive amounts of caffeine and cold medicine (!) every day to get through the day, you should really be talking to a health professional about that too.
posted by notorious medium at 6:29 AM on July 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
While it sounds like the right choice not to take a job with a longer and more stressful commute, and that would involve a daily set of tasks that you know wouldn't set you up for success and happiness, don't discount the value of a lateral -- or even a slight step down -- move as part of your career progression. My mentor, the CTO of a high growth tech company, got promoted into a new role and then left it to be CTO of a different company in a different field. At the time, he told me that he's made 2-3 lateral moves in his career for every promotion.
It's a good way to broaden your experience, get a fresh perspective, and inject some variety, which is good for all of us. It also can work against your sense that you're too old to learn new skills, which is a commonly held but incorrect belief about growing older.
posted by spindrifter at 6:50 AM on July 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
It's a good way to broaden your experience, get a fresh perspective, and inject some variety, which is good for all of us. It also can work against your sense that you're too old to learn new skills, which is a commonly held but incorrect belief about growing older.
posted by spindrifter at 6:50 AM on July 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
IMO, once an office culture has become toxic to the point where it is deleterious to your mental health, you need to GTFO. In my experience, there's no Jedi mind trick that you can use to make that situation better. Safeguarding your mental health by getting out of the toxic situation is more important than any perks.
You know things can be better because you found a job that worked really well for you for a couple of years until the culture changed. So you know it's possible to find something like that. It may mean taking a job which looks like a lateral move, but in my experience there is no such thing. Even the lateral moves have had at least one interesting new challenge that has helped me to grow in my career. As far as learning new skills are concerned, I say go for it no matter how old you are if it will help you to expand your options and feel less stuck.
posted by jazzbaby at 7:38 AM on July 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
You know things can be better because you found a job that worked really well for you for a couple of years until the culture changed. So you know it's possible to find something like that. It may mean taking a job which looks like a lateral move, but in my experience there is no such thing. Even the lateral moves have had at least one interesting new challenge that has helped me to grow in my career. As far as learning new skills are concerned, I say go for it no matter how old you are if it will help you to expand your options and feel less stuck.
posted by jazzbaby at 7:38 AM on July 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
I think you know already that it's not that other people get what you want and you don't. These people most likely have an objectively worse job situation than you, but can appreciate more clearly that any negative sides are the cost they are paying for the benefits (high pay, or interesting work, or short commute, or whatever it is they value), and that balance is overall worth it to them. Your seem to understand this balance intellectually, but you're not "feeling" it. This, plus the fact that you're self-medicating with coffee and cold medicine indicates that it's not the job that is the problem, but your depression - you need to focus on adjusting the meds and getting a new therapist; that will help whatever other changes you make.
Changing jobs might actually be also beneficial, even a lateral move, since a new environment every few years is useful for gaining more perspective, learning new skills, and extending your professional network; but it's worth waiting for an offer that's at least comparable with your current place in terms of perks. You know already that you will regret a change that will put you in an environment you don't like. Perhaps if you set a concrete goal of finding a comparable job which puts time limits on your current one will let you handle the day-to-day disappointments more easily? Next time you see the "email worded in a certain way", take a deep breadth and say to yourself "I'm here only for a few more months until I move to another job".
posted by Ender's Friend at 7:42 AM on July 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
Changing jobs might actually be also beneficial, even a lateral move, since a new environment every few years is useful for gaining more perspective, learning new skills, and extending your professional network; but it's worth waiting for an offer that's at least comparable with your current place in terms of perks. You know already that you will regret a change that will put you in an environment you don't like. Perhaps if you set a concrete goal of finding a comparable job which puts time limits on your current one will let you handle the day-to-day disappointments more easily? Next time you see the "email worded in a certain way", take a deep breadth and say to yourself "I'm here only for a few more months until I move to another job".
posted by Ender's Friend at 7:42 AM on July 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
Have you checked out any government positions? Could probably get a decent (though obviously not stratospheric) salary with your experience, and do interesting work.
posted by ferret branca at 9:58 AM on July 2, 2017
posted by ferret branca at 9:58 AM on July 2, 2017
Therapy in this situation should probably have involved working on finding a new job. Even without a current therapist, try finding a friend to keep you accountable for what actions you're taking on a weekly (or whatever) basis. Set up a regular check-in where you tell them what you're doing. (You can MeMail me if you'd like.) Even though there aren't real consequences if you have to tell your friend you haven't done anything that week, it's useful.
Knowing that you're taking steps toward getting out of this situation is likely to help a lot. There's no treatment for depression that will make you feel OK in a not-OK workplace. It's also totally reasonable to be unhappy in a workplace even if it's not as bad as you've had before or as bad as other people have. Depression often means that your mind works hard to justify to itself why you should suffer, and you don't deserve that.
I've been there, and while getting out of the really terrible job (that of course I kept telling myself wasn't really that bad, and surely I couldn't expect to find better) wasn't a cure-all, it was enough to give the other tools you already know about for managing depression a chance to work.
posted by asperity at 9:57 AM on July 3, 2017
Knowing that you're taking steps toward getting out of this situation is likely to help a lot. There's no treatment for depression that will make you feel OK in a not-OK workplace. It's also totally reasonable to be unhappy in a workplace even if it's not as bad as you've had before or as bad as other people have. Depression often means that your mind works hard to justify to itself why you should suffer, and you don't deserve that.
I've been there, and while getting out of the really terrible job (that of course I kept telling myself wasn't really that bad, and surely I couldn't expect to find better) wasn't a cure-all, it was enough to give the other tools you already know about for managing depression a chance to work.
posted by asperity at 9:57 AM on July 3, 2017
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posted by marguerite at 6:08 AM on July 2, 2017 [3 favorites]