Shifting your purpose to being happy from survival

June 27, 2017 5:06 PM

A few years ago, I wrote here that I wasn't focused on being happy, but instead on piling up credentials and other forms of security to protect myself. I knew I was odd in doing this, but I just thought that was the way I was. Now, I'm realizing that I feel more secure, than I used to and I'm interested in being happy. But focusing on being happy makes me anxious. Can you help me figure out how to approach this?

I'm realizing that I'm in the wrong job and probably the wrong city and I need to do a much better job of taking care of my body and I need more friends and probably a whole bunch of other things I don't even know that I need yet. The idea of changing so many things gives me a lot of anxiety and the idea of NOT changing everything gives me even more. I'm ready to be happy! How do I do this?

- How did you start focusing on being happy instead of on being practical or whatever you told yourself before you started trying to be happy?
- How do you manage your anxiety about not focusing on making sure things are working but instead on happiness?
- I'm pretty good at doing small things for myself (now). It's the big moves that are hard for me to make. How do I set a timeline? How do I make sure I don't get discouraged? How do I make sure that I don't retreat into my anxiety or lethargy or the very intense demands of my job?
- I don't want to wake up in five years in the same place, no happier. Help me not to!

posted by 3491again to Work & Money (9 answers total)

One of my favourite quotes is from the 15th-century Indian poet Kabir: "wherever you are is the entry point." It really helps me when I feel like I need to change a gazillion things at once. Pick one thing and start doing what makes you feel good about that one item. Then move on to the next thing. It's okay to go for the low-hanging fruit at first, since success will bring you confidence to tackle the bigger issues.

For those larger things, I find it really helps to break them down to smaller items. If, as you state, you think you are in the wrong job, you need to spend some time analyzing what you don't like about your current situation, then exploring what you think you might want instead (maybe through courses, volunteering, meeting with people in the fields that might interest you, etc.), and then mapping out a plan to get you into a job that has more of what you want (e.g..do you need training? Contacts?).

Most importantly, be gentle and kind to yourself. Change is often incremental, and it's almost never linear. Focus on process rather than perfection. You're already ahead of most people by identifying the issue.
posted by rpfields at 5:27 PM on June 27, 2017 [5 favorites]

Happiness as a baseline benchmark is a pretty hard goal to achieve. I'd thrive for simply being content. (And you might think the distinction is nitpicky, but for me it's the difference between the high of being at an amazing concert which is an occasional thing as opposed to ticking along everyday at a decent job with coworkers you like, I mean, work doesn't generally make you euphoric but you're content with your day to day life.) Maybe the actual goal you've set of expecting to be happy all the time is feeling insurmountable, hence the anxiety.
posted by Jubey at 6:05 PM on June 27, 2017 [2 favorites]

Maybe you have unrealistic notions of what "happy" feels like?
posted by zadcat at 6:09 PM on June 27, 2017 [1 favorite]

Really, you just need to do things and not worry. It's hard to describe how, but one idea is to just do things and try out different ways to spend time and trust you'll eventually like something and have fun and be happy with it. Things that may or may not help you, try any or all that sound appealing. The main idea is to break out of your normal patterns and ruts that are not about being happy and having fun:

-Spend a long day outside by yourself. In a city, in the wilderness, somewhere in between.
-Make a list of important things to do over a weekend then burn it and play videogames or binge-watch TV.
-Go to a bar by yourself and chat up random strangers. Don't hit on or flirt, just hang out.
-Don't set a timeline for working on being happy, that is crazy talk. Also don't set happiness goals or make happiness schedules or agendas. This is not a workbook, it's your life.
-Fast for a day or two, or stay awake for a day or two. Get really hot (sauna) or really cold (mountain streams).
-Do something dangerous. Not like driving without a seatbelt dangerous but maybe walk along a clifftop or climb a tall tree.
-Read about meditation, and try it.
-Try some weird and strong booze, like aquavit or absinthe or whatever. Try some good weed.
-Go to a music show where you don't know anything about the genre. Maybe for you that's metal or electronic dance music or bluegrass or K-pop. If you can't go go a show, just buy some and listen.
-Try some food you've never tried. Like coney dogs or fried eel or borscht or whatever.
-Go skinny dipping.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:12 PM on June 27, 2017 [9 favorites]

Is it possible that you're already happy, but you've gotten a bit stuck in 'proving it'? I mean, you have identified that you feel secure. That, in my book, is a whole lot of what happy is and you deserve a lot of credit for having given yourself that security.

What if you spent the next month simply noticing all of the ways in which you are, currently, happy? Like, take note of it when you happen to smile-- that felt good, didn't it? You could set a reminder on your phone to stop for minute and stretch, and you may just find yourself reflecting in that space that today is going well.
posted by (F)utility at 6:24 PM on June 27, 2017

I really enjoyed The Book of Joy. It would be a good place to start.
posted by aniola at 6:34 PM on June 27, 2017

I feel like your second paragraph contains at least some of the answers to the questions in your third paragraph. Perhaps a tweak to your routine would be to give yourself permission not to worry about whether you're currenly doing something to make yourself happier? It sounds like you're on the right path, though!

Other than that, one of my favorite quotes is an instruction John Cage used for one (or more) of his compositions: "Begin anywhere." There is also the idea of "Red Queen Syndrome" (origin) which says that solving problems reveals new problems, "problems" perhaps better phrased as "challenges." You've got your foundational security, so now you have more stairs to climb, and there will always be stairs.
posted by rhizome at 11:02 PM on June 27, 2017

You can't live on the mountain top. Look instead for small moments of joy among the generally contentment of life.

My husband and I read a few months back about a study that showed that people who focused on happiness were generally unsatisfied. Those who focused on being thankful were happier than those who tried to be happy. Since then we have made a very loose habit of starting dinner by saying, "Today I am thankful for...," and o find that it adds to my general satisfaction with life.
Right now, I am thankful for the chance to sit on the front porch and read my phone while the breeze blows the trees around and the birds chatter. If someone suggested that this would make me happy I would scoff, but I do seem to be enjoying it.
So, be thankful for little things as you journey.
posted by SLC Mom at 11:16 AM on June 29, 2017

How did you start focusing on being happy instead of on being practical or whatever you told yourself before you started trying to be happy?

For me, I think it was noticing the difference between what I can and can't control, and noticing imbalances between time spent doing what I "should" do and doing what made me happy. I think a lot of this is a matter of balance.

So what if you reframed that: instead of "focusing on being happy INSTEAD OF on being practical," maybe "focusing on being happy IN BALANCE WITH being practical"? It's not all or nothing. And there's definitely a point of diminishing returns, where putting even MORE time and energy into practical things is not actually helping much. It sounds like you've reached that point, and are ready for a little more balance. You're not giving up being practical, you're not abandoning taking care of the things that make you safe; you're just acknowledging what a GREAT job you've done in building some security for yourself, and now you can safely devote some of that energy (maybe a lot of it!) to enjoying your life.

How do you manage your anxiety about not focusing on making sure things are working but instead on happiness?

Again, for me, it's not either/or; it's adjusting the balance. You've been pedalling your bike pretty hard for a long time. You can coast a bit now and look around at the scenery. You're still going to be alert to your surroundings, you'll still be perfectly able to put on the brakes if you need to, and you'll just instinctively start pedalling again when you need a bit more forward movement; but you don't have to pedal ALL THE TIME.

I'm pretty good at doing small things for myself (now). It's the big moves that are hard for me to make. How do I set a timeline? How do I make sure I don't get discouraged? How do I make sure that I don't retreat into my anxiety or lethargy or the very intense demands of my job?

* small steps
* check-ins
* adjustments

Try this: come up with some ways to focus more on your happiness this week - both short term and long term (so, maybe, go for an extra walk or make some time for a goof-off evening reading, and also take an hour or two to write up some long-term timelines). Small steps.

At the end of the week, check in. How did it feel to do those things? Even if it felt uncomfortable, did it also feel good and energizing? Did it result in a problem with lethargy or anxiety at your job, or was that all manageable?

Also, give some ongoing thought to boundaries and whether the amount you give (to your job, to others in your life, whatever) is the amount you want to give, or is too much but you keep doing it out of habit or fear. If you're giving too much energy to your job, realistically, how can you scale that back?

Keep doing this - small steps, check in about how things feel at least every week. Then, make adjustments. For the coming week, do you want to move a little more toward the happiness side of the scale, or a little more toward the practical stuff side of the scale? And remember that it'll vary over time. The weeks when you're doing your taxes or preparing for a big project at work will be more practical. It's good to bookend those with weeks where you're leaning more toward the happiness side.

And go into the whole thing expecting to make a lot of adjustments. For example, maybe start out by making TWO timeframes for moving: one to move in a year, the other to move in, say, four years. Go ahead and think both of them through. Which one feels better? What options do you have with the four-year version that you don't have in the one-year? As you gravitate toward one, work on it bit by bit, notice things you want to adjust. Maybe instead of Big City, you decide you'd rather move to Medium City. How does that change things? Does it mean it'll take another two months to get there? Is that okay? It's probably okay. You can change course as you go along. That's normal and fine.

And be prepared for some difficulties. You probably WILL get discouraged sometimes - but you can get through that. You might get some pushback at work if you're choosing to prioritize yourself more. That might be a matter of learning to live with the discomfort of people being displeased with you rather than an actual risk of losing your job. The more you try these things - small steps, adjustments - the better you'll be at knowing how it feels to work on your own goals, and how worthwhile that is to you.

I don't want to wake up in five years in the same place, no happier. Help me not to!

You're not going to - your desire to live a fulfilled life is waking up and pointing out to you that it's tired of being put off. Now that you're thinking more about this, you'll start just noticing ideas, possibilities, moments, experiences that you'll want more of in your life. It's like birdwatching - when you start paying attention to them, you suddenly see them everywhere.

You can't control everything about how your future will be, but you are starting to notice and focus on the things you want more of. You'll just naturally get better at that. It's never all or nothing, and it's not something you can really fail at. Think about all the creative and resourceful things you've done in your life to build the security you have now. It's very unlikely to come crashing down now - you can coast! a lot! - but even if it does, due to bad luck or a mistaken decision, you can build it again. You don't have to get it all just right the first time, and you don't have to figure it all out this very second. It's a process and a journey, which might be one of the best things about it.


Finally, since this is AskMe and no one has yet mentioned therapy: you might consider therapy. Spending some time every week talking with a trained person might help you let go of some of the anxiety.


Good luck. You can do this! Give yourself plenty of breathing room and time to figure it all out.
posted by kristi at 10:43 AM on June 30, 2017