Helping a friend with grief, depression, anxiety and PTSD after suicide
June 26, 2017 10:08 AM Subscribe
A good friend's 18 year old daughter hung herself while in the hospital two+ years ago. He has not coped well and is getting more and more isolated/withdrawn/disengaged. What can I do to help from a long distance? He has been diagnosed with complicated grief, depression, anxiety and PTSD following her death.
The daughter had struggled with depression and admitted herself; he wasn't allowed to see her in the few days she was there. I don't think he'd seen her much leading up to her death, either, so I would guess there's a lot of angst/guilt about it all, and obviously no one expects this to happen at a hospital, where she should've been safe.
He hasn't worked since last year, often leaves his young son playing video games or watching TV while he retreats to his room to cry, doesn't take prescribed medications and doesn't attend medical appointments with any regularity. His estranged wife is probably marginally more functional - they share custody 50/50 and live a few minutes apart. I live far away, but he has told me I am the only person who has consistently stuck by him, asked how he is, mentioned his daughter, etc. I think a lot of people don't know what to say; he is an ex-military commander and people assume he doesn't want to talk about it at all, when probably he does in little bits and pieces. He is also, understandably, not very capable of caring about others when he's not able to care for himself, so isn't interested in anyone else's life, can't remember things like birthdays or significant events, etc., which I suspect has driven a lot of people away (it's a lot of give and no take and often frustrating to try and maintain contact with him). I wish he had some people nearer by to check on him, but even his parents have told me it's just too difficult as they are struggling with their emotions as well, and they are older and several hours away.
I am concerned he isn't getting appropriate help, but not sure what I can do (if anything). I fear he is headed down a bad path, and I worry about the little boy who isn't getting ideal parenting. He was previously very high functioning/ambitious/motivated/organized and it's really heartbreaking to see him as he is now.
Is there anything I can do in practical terms to assist him? I cannot just drop by/take him to appointments as we live thousands of miles apart, so limited to phone calls/text messages/emails. His wife has been undergoing cancer treatment, and it concerns me that if something were to happen to her, my friend would have sole responsibility for the child when he's not really able to care for himself. What can I do? He knows about resources like support groups and therapists already, but won't utilize them.
The daughter had struggled with depression and admitted herself; he wasn't allowed to see her in the few days she was there. I don't think he'd seen her much leading up to her death, either, so I would guess there's a lot of angst/guilt about it all, and obviously no one expects this to happen at a hospital, where she should've been safe.
He hasn't worked since last year, often leaves his young son playing video games or watching TV while he retreats to his room to cry, doesn't take prescribed medications and doesn't attend medical appointments with any regularity. His estranged wife is probably marginally more functional - they share custody 50/50 and live a few minutes apart. I live far away, but he has told me I am the only person who has consistently stuck by him, asked how he is, mentioned his daughter, etc. I think a lot of people don't know what to say; he is an ex-military commander and people assume he doesn't want to talk about it at all, when probably he does in little bits and pieces. He is also, understandably, not very capable of caring about others when he's not able to care for himself, so isn't interested in anyone else's life, can't remember things like birthdays or significant events, etc., which I suspect has driven a lot of people away (it's a lot of give and no take and often frustrating to try and maintain contact with him). I wish he had some people nearer by to check on him, but even his parents have told me it's just too difficult as they are struggling with their emotions as well, and they are older and several hours away.
I am concerned he isn't getting appropriate help, but not sure what I can do (if anything). I fear he is headed down a bad path, and I worry about the little boy who isn't getting ideal parenting. He was previously very high functioning/ambitious/motivated/organized and it's really heartbreaking to see him as he is now.
Is there anything I can do in practical terms to assist him? I cannot just drop by/take him to appointments as we live thousands of miles apart, so limited to phone calls/text messages/emails. His wife has been undergoing cancer treatment, and it concerns me that if something were to happen to her, my friend would have sole responsibility for the child when he's not really able to care for himself. What can I do? He knows about resources like support groups and therapists already, but won't utilize them.
Oh my, this situation is very complicated and heartbreaking. It's terrible that your friend's daughter completed suicide--it's a devastating loss, and it makes sense that he is feeling so shitty, especially if he had developed PTSD prior to his daughter's death.
He really, really needs professional, trauma-informed care. If he's having an immediate crisis, make sure he has the Veterans' Crisis Line in his phonebook. This group can also provide resources for him.
The frustrating thing is, though, you can't force him to get help. You can't take his medications for him. You can't be his therapist--even if you are one already. However, you can listen to what he says. You can validate his feelings. You can do is to encourage him to get it and possibly work with him to research an organization in his area where he can get it--a friend helped me once like this to help me get on Medicaid, and it was a life-saver.
In the mean time, remember to take care of yourself. Speaking from the experience of having been pulled in too deeply into some one else's mental health crisis, it is crucial to practice self-care and to understand where your own boundaries are, so you don't end up in crisis yourself.
posted by Excommunicated Cardinal at 11:02 AM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
He really, really needs professional, trauma-informed care. If he's having an immediate crisis, make sure he has the Veterans' Crisis Line in his phonebook. This group can also provide resources for him.
The frustrating thing is, though, you can't force him to get help. You can't take his medications for him. You can't be his therapist--even if you are one already. However, you can listen to what he says. You can validate his feelings. You can do is to encourage him to get it and possibly work with him to research an organization in his area where he can get it--a friend helped me once like this to help me get on Medicaid, and it was a life-saver.
In the mean time, remember to take care of yourself. Speaking from the experience of having been pulled in too deeply into some one else's mental health crisis, it is crucial to practice self-care and to understand where your own boundaries are, so you don't end up in crisis yourself.
posted by Excommunicated Cardinal at 11:02 AM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
So sad. It's great that he acknowledges your support, because it implies he knows that everyone else in his life has vanished into their own worlds, which is sad in itself!
Is there a chance you could sit down and have an, "I've been noticing..." talk with him? Just starting with how much he's changed compared to what you know he's been like, gradually expanding to his kid and beyond. I bet dollars to donuts he already knows all of this, but having someone to bounce the future off of (rather than only thinking about the past). The past does need to be dealt with, but it's kind of a separate matter from self-care and keeping his life going.
FWIW, I lost a close friend to suicide 5 years ago and nobody in my family ever even asked how I was doing, to this day, so that's where I draw my distinction between the disappointment of an abdicating support network and the need to continue, somehow, into the future.
You're a great friend!
posted by rhizome at 12:46 PM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
Is there a chance you could sit down and have an, "I've been noticing..." talk with him? Just starting with how much he's changed compared to what you know he's been like, gradually expanding to his kid and beyond. I bet dollars to donuts he already knows all of this, but having someone to bounce the future off of (rather than only thinking about the past). The past does need to be dealt with, but it's kind of a separate matter from self-care and keeping his life going.
FWIW, I lost a close friend to suicide 5 years ago and nobody in my family ever even asked how I was doing, to this day, so that's where I draw my distinction between the disappointment of an abdicating support network and the need to continue, somehow, into the future.
You're a great friend!
posted by rhizome at 12:46 PM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
I feel like a big part of the message here should be about his son. How to word that depends on what's going on, but bottom line, the son needs a functioning father.
How about encouraging him to get a "father's helper" or something to come and hang out with the son while the dad cares for himself / goes to therapy / cries / goes jogging? Having another stable, loving adult in the boy's life could go a long way to boosting the boy's ability to recover from this, and knowing that he's being well-looked-out-for could take a lot of worry and guilt off of the dad's shoulders.
posted by salvia at 2:07 PM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
How about encouraging him to get a "father's helper" or something to come and hang out with the son while the dad cares for himself / goes to therapy / cries / goes jogging? Having another stable, loving adult in the boy's life could go a long way to boosting the boy's ability to recover from this, and knowing that he's being well-looked-out-for could take a lot of worry and guilt off of the dad's shoulders.
posted by salvia at 2:07 PM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
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Second, if he would be open to a little advice or gentle nagging would be to encourage him to take care of the basics of living - food, sleep, exercise. Exercise, in particular, can be so powerful - jogging daily helped my father get through my mother's illness and death. I think research shows it is as effective as anti-depressants and if he has a past history of being in good shape, it might be far more acceptable than medication and doctors. He's not thinking clearly - if he agrees that he should be doing something, help him make a very specific, actionable plan and then ask him later if it happened. He may not buy into this - don't push - but if part of him is open to moving forward, you can be a clear-thinking, supportive ally to that part.
posted by metahawk at 10:46 AM on June 26, 2017 [2 favorites]