New Supervisor Needs Tips on Teaching Interpersonal Skills
June 20, 2017 4:53 AM Subscribe
I'm a relatively new to management, having been a worker bee most of my career. I work with a great team, but one of my employees is giving me a bit of a headache. He's extremely smart and hard-working -- but he has serious deficiencies in the interpersonal communication department. Any tips on how to help him fix this?
The employee in question, "David," is in his mid-twenties, with a recent master's degree in a field relevant to our work. I find him intelligent and engaging, and he always makes deadlines and is eager to take on new work. So far, so good.
However, he has one glaring problem that has already ruffled some feathers (both internally and with clients/vendors) during the few months I've been supervising him: His interpersonal communication skills leave a lot to be desired.
Some examples include:
-- brusque emails asking -- or even borderline ordering -- people (generally folks who owe him nothing) to perform tasks for him, rather than making kind , professional requests;
-- cutting people off and interrupting while they are talking;
-- addressing -- via email or in-person -- very senior and respected individuals in our field in a very offhand and informal way (e.g., Instead of "Dr. So-and-So," he'll just jump into calling her "Mary" at the first meeting).
Our profession relies a lot on communicating across cultures and generations -- and many of our interlocutors are boomers who came up in an age where it was expected to treat those with more experience and seniority with a greater degree of deference and respect -- at least until you got to know them better. David is not excelling at this, and he doesn't seem to get it. The problem also extends laterally to outside organizations. David doesn't seem to realize that when you go asking for favors, it's helpful to be as respectful as possible instead of starting sentences with "What I need from you is..."
I'd like to mentor David, but my main problem is that all of his problem behaviors that fit into the "interpersonal skills" bucket are somewhat scattered. Sure, I can talk about a particular email and how it was worded poorly, but bringing up that particular case just causes him to focus on *that* email, not the broader theme of how to communicate more professionally.
I don't want to be a nitpicky micromanager. It just seems like David was never taught how to communicate in a professional manner. I want to help mentor him on the broader themes of how to communicate professionally, but I'm not having a ton of luck so far.
Advice from seasoned managers? Can I help David get better at this?
The employee in question, "David," is in his mid-twenties, with a recent master's degree in a field relevant to our work. I find him intelligent and engaging, and he always makes deadlines and is eager to take on new work. So far, so good.
However, he has one glaring problem that has already ruffled some feathers (both internally and with clients/vendors) during the few months I've been supervising him: His interpersonal communication skills leave a lot to be desired.
Some examples include:
-- brusque emails asking -- or even borderline ordering -- people (generally folks who owe him nothing) to perform tasks for him, rather than making kind , professional requests;
-- cutting people off and interrupting while they are talking;
-- addressing -- via email or in-person -- very senior and respected individuals in our field in a very offhand and informal way (e.g., Instead of "Dr. So-and-So," he'll just jump into calling her "Mary" at the first meeting).
Our profession relies a lot on communicating across cultures and generations -- and many of our interlocutors are boomers who came up in an age where it was expected to treat those with more experience and seniority with a greater degree of deference and respect -- at least until you got to know them better. David is not excelling at this, and he doesn't seem to get it. The problem also extends laterally to outside organizations. David doesn't seem to realize that when you go asking for favors, it's helpful to be as respectful as possible instead of starting sentences with "What I need from you is..."
I'd like to mentor David, but my main problem is that all of his problem behaviors that fit into the "interpersonal skills" bucket are somewhat scattered. Sure, I can talk about a particular email and how it was worded poorly, but bringing up that particular case just causes him to focus on *that* email, not the broader theme of how to communicate more professionally.
I don't want to be a nitpicky micromanager. It just seems like David was never taught how to communicate in a professional manner. I want to help mentor him on the broader themes of how to communicate professionally, but I'm not having a ton of luck so far.
Advice from seasoned managers? Can I help David get better at this?
I am not a manager. But it seems to me that the underlying thread to all of these behaviors is showing respect for others and, perhaps, understanding what gestures signal respect and can repair a relationship after lapses in behavior. You could also frame it in terms of relationship-building. I'm guessing he may not be offended when he's on the receiving end of these behaviors and therefore has no clue how they come across.
posted by bunderful at 5:20 AM on June 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by bunderful at 5:20 AM on June 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
Also, there are classes in professional communication at most major universities and maybe even online. Perhaps formal training is in order and something your org could support.
posted by Miko at 5:20 AM on June 20, 2017 [9 favorites]
posted by Miko at 5:20 AM on June 20, 2017 [9 favorites]
"Understanding what gestures signal respect" covers an awful lot of ground, from culture and experience right through to neurology. This is hard work, and you need to be patient when you're exploring it.
But among all the other suggestions here I'd encourage them to read "Getting To Yes" and to make an exercise of coming up with a communications strategy - even if it's just a quick "form a plan in your head" - for all the people they need to deal with, and be deliberate in their communications strategy. And, as Miko suggests, have regular 1-1s to discuss it.
posted by mhoye at 5:33 AM on June 20, 2017
But among all the other suggestions here I'd encourage them to read "Getting To Yes" and to make an exercise of coming up with a communications strategy - even if it's just a quick "form a plan in your head" - for all the people they need to deal with, and be deliberate in their communications strategy. And, as Miko suggests, have regular 1-1s to discuss it.
posted by mhoye at 5:33 AM on June 20, 2017
What you have here is themes, so you talk about the 'themes you observed' giving specific examples as needed. Whe I was trained on giving feedback I was taught the SBIBI model, read about it here. In summary, you explain a situation, describe the behaviour you have observed, highlight the negative impact his behaviour had. Then you ask him how he could have handled that differently, you develop an alternative behaviour, that would not have caused the negative impact. If the impact is that he has upset people that's never a good thing. If the impact is that he is damaging the reputation of your organisation, that's worse.
I would not assume malice. If he's a recent graduate there is a good chance he has never had to consider these finer nuances until now and may have been moving in environments where you are on first name terms with everybody always. So he needs to be told how he is expected to communicate in your organisation.
If there is such a thing as a writing guide for your field/organisation that you can bring to his attention that may be helpful, too. Or anything on working across cultures. Also, could he just be copied in some emails from people who do it right so he can see a different approach?
Secondly, he may be task oriented as opposed to relationship oriented. Not everybody is taught that there is value in developing and maintaining good relationships with people at work - they just look at the output. That may be be more difficult to overcome than cluelessness. But again, people do learn to overcome it. He just needs to understand that his job is not limited to task achievement but also includes relationship building both internally and externally. He may need to be told that it really doesn't matter if he never misses a deadline - if he upsets most of the people he interacts with and perhaps causes the loss of clients/customers/funders that will stop his progress in this, and many other, organisations.
You may have to be fairly direct about that for it to sink in. Because task oriented people don't always pick up subtle and often don't mind short and direct communication in others, that's why they default to it - they may struggle to understand that there are many people who do care and they need to be accommodated.
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:40 AM on June 20, 2017 [4 favorites]
I would not assume malice. If he's a recent graduate there is a good chance he has never had to consider these finer nuances until now and may have been moving in environments where you are on first name terms with everybody always. So he needs to be told how he is expected to communicate in your organisation.
If there is such a thing as a writing guide for your field/organisation that you can bring to his attention that may be helpful, too. Or anything on working across cultures. Also, could he just be copied in some emails from people who do it right so he can see a different approach?
Secondly, he may be task oriented as opposed to relationship oriented. Not everybody is taught that there is value in developing and maintaining good relationships with people at work - they just look at the output. That may be be more difficult to overcome than cluelessness. But again, people do learn to overcome it. He just needs to understand that his job is not limited to task achievement but also includes relationship building both internally and externally. He may need to be told that it really doesn't matter if he never misses a deadline - if he upsets most of the people he interacts with and perhaps causes the loss of clients/customers/funders that will stop his progress in this, and many other, organisations.
You may have to be fairly direct about that for it to sink in. Because task oriented people don't always pick up subtle and often don't mind short and direct communication in others, that's why they default to it - they may struggle to understand that there are many people who do care and they need to be accommodated.
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:40 AM on June 20, 2017 [4 favorites]
Have you tried giving him precise a wording for request-type emails, have you told him to always use titles when adressing people in the first meeting, and to never, under no circumstances interrupt others?
I understand that these are just examples of a broader pattern.
But if he masters these "Dos" he'll already be markedly more pleasant to work with.
And it seems he's unable to extrapolate from "don't do this!" to a broader concept of "respectful communication", so maybe giving him very specific rules will help?
posted by Omnomnom at 6:01 AM on June 20, 2017 [5 favorites]
I understand that these are just examples of a broader pattern.
But if he masters these "Dos" he'll already be markedly more pleasant to work with.
And it seems he's unable to extrapolate from "don't do this!" to a broader concept of "respectful communication", so maybe giving him very specific rules will help?
posted by Omnomnom at 6:01 AM on June 20, 2017 [5 favorites]
In addition to generic communication issues, you might also have a think if there's something underlying *which* people he interrupts or calls without a title. Is it more frequently women (e.g. "Mary") that he does these things to? If so, it might be worth calling that out directly.
Regarding interruptions, if they occur when you are also present, you can call them out immediately but not directly by asking the person who got interrupted to finish their thought.
posted by nat at 7:01 AM on June 20, 2017 [2 favorites]
Regarding interruptions, if they occur when you are also present, you can call them out immediately but not directly by asking the person who got interrupted to finish their thought.
posted by nat at 7:01 AM on June 20, 2017 [2 favorites]
Came back to say - when my very junior team members have to interact with very senior ones outside my organisation I have sometimes insisted on a review process for emails. And explained why we follow that process and made sure people understand the changes the reviewer made. That may be overkill but you could offer to go over a few of his emails and explain why something may be less than professional and how he could make it more so. If he needs to communicate something particularly sensitive you could also suggest that he ask somebody to read it before it goes out. That kind of thing happens quite frequently in my organisation but may not be acceptable everywhere.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:02 AM on June 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:02 AM on June 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
As someone whose supervisor could have written this question with minor alterations, I think the key is that you want to mentor him "on the broader themes" without giving him specifics, and it sounds like you're hoping he'll read your mind about what "professional communication" looks like in your field.
He may have been taught one thing in his master's program (for example, some grad programs make a big deal out of how you need to be on a first-name basis with professors so as to appear as a professional colleague rather than as an undergraduate student), but you are expecting something different. Tell him exactly what that is.
Do other people in your workplace besides David do these behaviors? If there is a culture in which everyone else (who has already gotten to know each other quite well over the years) is on a first-name basis, David may be "reading the room" and catching on to the existing culture. He may not know that first names are off-limits to him and him alone because his age and inexperience mean he has to show more deference than anyone else in the room does. You have to tell him.
Do David's superiors address him with "What I need from you is...?" He may not realize this phrasing is something they may use, but he may not. You have to tell him.
Do vendors ever ask "What can I do for you?" It may not occur to him that straightforwardly answering the question asked is considered rude. You have to tell him.
Do others cut each other off, or interrupt each other? If it happens by accident, do they demonstrate deference to each other, as in, "I'm sorry to cut you off; you were saying?" Or does the busy chatter just go on and on, with people animatedly talking over each other a bit here and there...until David tries to get a word in edgewise, and then it's: why does the sexist millennial think he gets to cut off Jane who has worked here since before he was born? You have to tell him that he needs to wait until he is invited to give input, before he offers input in such environments.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 7:41 AM on June 20, 2017 [8 favorites]
He may have been taught one thing in his master's program (for example, some grad programs make a big deal out of how you need to be on a first-name basis with professors so as to appear as a professional colleague rather than as an undergraduate student), but you are expecting something different. Tell him exactly what that is.
Do other people in your workplace besides David do these behaviors? If there is a culture in which everyone else (who has already gotten to know each other quite well over the years) is on a first-name basis, David may be "reading the room" and catching on to the existing culture. He may not know that first names are off-limits to him and him alone because his age and inexperience mean he has to show more deference than anyone else in the room does. You have to tell him.
Do David's superiors address him with "What I need from you is...?" He may not realize this phrasing is something they may use, but he may not. You have to tell him.
Do vendors ever ask "What can I do for you?" It may not occur to him that straightforwardly answering the question asked is considered rude. You have to tell him.
Do others cut each other off, or interrupt each other? If it happens by accident, do they demonstrate deference to each other, as in, "I'm sorry to cut you off; you were saying?" Or does the busy chatter just go on and on, with people animatedly talking over each other a bit here and there...until David tries to get a word in edgewise, and then it's: why does the sexist millennial think he gets to cut off Jane who has worked here since before he was born? You have to tell him that he needs to wait until he is invited to give input, before he offers input in such environments.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 7:41 AM on June 20, 2017 [8 favorites]
It sounds like basic etiquette. Get some books, review them yourself, assign the the best one to him. In some places, you might be able to find a course; that would be useful, too.
posted by theora55 at 8:56 AM on June 20, 2017
posted by theora55 at 8:56 AM on June 20, 2017
Just tell him. Please refer to Dr So and So by her tile unless she tells you not to, this email is unacceptable I will review your emails for a week. Do not interrupt. Simple commands he can follow, instead of trying to make him a different kind of person than he is.
I am a senior woman and I deal with these young guys all the time. Direct orders are best, if they argue with then say it's not up for debate then say good bye you can go now. They already don't understand hierarchy, negotiating with them isn't going to help. They need to learn how a chain of command and seniority works.
A non zero percentage of people like this will have ongoing career issues but most will figure it out. But as this guys supervisor it is your responsibility to tell him directly how to improve his job performance and how to be professional. Not how to be a human.
posted by fshgrl at 9:40 AM on June 20, 2017 [9 favorites]
I am a senior woman and I deal with these young guys all the time. Direct orders are best, if they argue with then say it's not up for debate then say good bye you can go now. They already don't understand hierarchy, negotiating with them isn't going to help. They need to learn how a chain of command and seniority works.
A non zero percentage of people like this will have ongoing career issues but most will figure it out. But as this guys supervisor it is your responsibility to tell him directly how to improve his job performance and how to be professional. Not how to be a human.
posted by fshgrl at 9:40 AM on June 20, 2017 [9 favorites]
Do you read Ask A Manager? She often has advice on situations like this. You will probably find something addressing your question in her archives.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:47 AM on June 20, 2017
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:47 AM on June 20, 2017
You might consider getting him some training, including in active listening. You might be able to get your org to institute some training, or arrange to do it for your whole team, if you don't want to single him out. There are also online courses.
posted by gudrun at 11:04 AM on June 20, 2017
posted by gudrun at 11:04 AM on June 20, 2017
This sends up all kinds of red flags for me. I've dealt with this kind of person before - and I remember a few AskMes about them too. They're almost always young men entering an organisation and the 'complainer' generally is a young woman who is either their direct superior or equal. What this personality type does is start with a company and then automatically start bulldozing their way through, ignoring the hierarchy and positions themselves as the superior through interactions and emails.
The brusque emails, interrupting people and lack of deference isn't a mistake, it's deliberate. It's designed to make others think he's their equal or better. Pretty soon he'll start giving orders or attempting to take over projects or claim ownership of other's work as a way of mavoevering up the ladder. Wait for him to refer to his colleague as his assistant, and start setting tasks for them. Once he's got most people to view him as more senior and is taking credit for the work, he'll be angling for the actual job (yours?). After all, he's been acting like he's had that job all along and people are treating him like he does, so the rest is just a formality.
And so he will just adopt this as his strategy the whole way along. You know how you hear about someone whose only been at a company for two or three years but has had a meteoric rise? Yeah, this is how it starts.
Look, I could be way off base. But I doubt it. You need to smack it down now.
posted by Jubey at 12:10 PM on June 20, 2017
The brusque emails, interrupting people and lack of deference isn't a mistake, it's deliberate. It's designed to make others think he's their equal or better. Pretty soon he'll start giving orders or attempting to take over projects or claim ownership of other's work as a way of mavoevering up the ladder. Wait for him to refer to his colleague as his assistant, and start setting tasks for them. Once he's got most people to view him as more senior and is taking credit for the work, he'll be angling for the actual job (yours?). After all, he's been acting like he's had that job all along and people are treating him like he does, so the rest is just a formality.
And so he will just adopt this as his strategy the whole way along. You know how you hear about someone whose only been at a company for two or three years but has had a meteoric rise? Yeah, this is how it starts.
Look, I could be way off base. But I doubt it. You need to smack it down now.
posted by Jubey at 12:10 PM on June 20, 2017
Oh, and on review, I see David is already attempting to get others to do tasks for him! Yep, this guy is so textbook it's funny. Be careful, if you're not very secure and firm in your own position as manager, and deal with him as such, your roles will soon be swapped.
posted by Jubey at 12:15 PM on June 20, 2017
posted by Jubey at 12:15 PM on June 20, 2017
I mean, it's possible this guy is a macho jerk, but I also get feedback like this at work and I'm just someone who finds social skills tough; low EQ or whatever we're calling it these days. I can share a few things that helped me, which are similar to the recommendations in Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming's comment:
Be timely with feedback and don't wait for a review to point this out. Weekly check-ins help, but immediate conversations right after you notice the issue are better. And be extremely specific about the problem behaviors and your expectations regarding them. People who don't have great social skills are also often bad at generalizing across different types of situations and interactions.
Finally, set specific goals (SMART-style goals if possible) for the type of improvement you want to see, and be clear about the consequences. What kind of behaviors are zero-tolerance and would result in probation or firing if continued? What kinds of behaviors are not-great in an entry-level employee but will absolutely pose a barrier to promotion? What's going to be a barrier to a merit raise?
posted by capricorn at 1:00 PM on June 20, 2017 [2 favorites]
Be timely with feedback and don't wait for a review to point this out. Weekly check-ins help, but immediate conversations right after you notice the issue are better. And be extremely specific about the problem behaviors and your expectations regarding them. People who don't have great social skills are also often bad at generalizing across different types of situations and interactions.
Finally, set specific goals (SMART-style goals if possible) for the type of improvement you want to see, and be clear about the consequences. What kind of behaviors are zero-tolerance and would result in probation or firing if continued? What kinds of behaviors are not-great in an entry-level employee but will absolutely pose a barrier to promotion? What's going to be a barrier to a merit raise?
posted by capricorn at 1:00 PM on June 20, 2017 [2 favorites]
Oh, I also wanted to mention that I don't find the basic etiquette or Dale Carnegie-type stuff helpful, but it depends on if David actually lacks social skills or is just young and doesn't know professional norms. I think most writing on etiquette and business interactions is focused on leveraging existing social skills in different settings.
posted by capricorn at 1:07 PM on June 20, 2017
posted by capricorn at 1:07 PM on June 20, 2017
I want to split the difference here. I find the implication of some comments above that it's just deathly unfair to expect an adult to know that he needs to address his superiors and people he doesn't know at all with some deference and extra politeness and not issue peremptory demands for the completion of tasks to his peers or people outside his organization, or that his supervisor really needs to spend quality time working out remediation programs for his failure to grasp basic etiquette ("let's see, should I tell him ordering people around over whom he has no authority is a fireable offense or merely one that will prevent him from getting a merit raise?"), a bit excessively generous. Even in today's more informal environment, this cannot be the first time in his life this guy has been in a situation with a hierarchy or been introduced to respected seniors. It should not be a mystery to someone in his mid-twenties that you can't go around giving orders to your peers; I doubt he tries that on with his friends. And it's not like he's missing one or two points--there's a whole panoply of behaviors.
Importantly, it sounds like specific communications have already been identified to him as a problem, and his response is litigation rather than listening. He's most likely pulling this shit because he's been permitted to pull this shit all along, and he's unlikely to stop without a series of mini-showdowns along the way. Ultimately, you can either choose to cultivate a sensitivity to what other people might expect of you, or you can decide that whatever you feel like doing is okay and dump the work of enforcing grown-up behavior on those around you. For some, "it doesn't occur to you" that some behavior might be obnoxious because you've just never bothered to wonder about how other people might perceive your actions. There are very few people whose contributions to an organization are such that they justify someone else having to waste time, energy, and patience on comprehensively housebreaking them.
On the other hand, I look back on my own business-etiquette errors and cringe. The quality of mercy, etc.
So I guess I would advise responding it to directly as if it were ignorance, like fshgirl suggests, but do be prepared in case he turns out to be the type described by jubey. That type most certainly does exist, and does not get better with time.
posted by praemunire at 1:47 PM on June 20, 2017 [2 favorites]
Importantly, it sounds like specific communications have already been identified to him as a problem, and his response is litigation rather than listening. He's most likely pulling this shit because he's been permitted to pull this shit all along, and he's unlikely to stop without a series of mini-showdowns along the way. Ultimately, you can either choose to cultivate a sensitivity to what other people might expect of you, or you can decide that whatever you feel like doing is okay and dump the work of enforcing grown-up behavior on those around you. For some, "it doesn't occur to you" that some behavior might be obnoxious because you've just never bothered to wonder about how other people might perceive your actions. There are very few people whose contributions to an organization are such that they justify someone else having to waste time, energy, and patience on comprehensively housebreaking them.
On the other hand, I look back on my own business-etiquette errors and cringe. The quality of mercy, etc.
So I guess I would advise responding it to directly as if it were ignorance, like fshgirl suggests, but do be prepared in case he turns out to be the type described by jubey. That type most certainly does exist, and does not get better with time.
posted by praemunire at 1:47 PM on June 20, 2017 [2 favorites]
The only thing you can't do is let it continue - it only gets harder the more it becomes a habit, plus then you look like you've "suddenly decided" how he has to act and he'll never believe it's not just your personal preference.
I've had some success with templates - not outright scripting their emails, but telling them "the secret" of effective email communication. Be more respectful is too vague when they already don't know how. Making them fit most communication into some sort of template, like the Crew Resource Management one (scroll a bit down) for disagreeing with someone, can work. It works if you can spin it as "You want the best chance to get what you want right? This is what works", NOT as "I don't like what you're doing".
Calling the Executive Director by her first name without being invited does not help. THAT is why you don't want to do that. Even if she doesn't say anything (TO YOU) about it.
The best thing you can do is to get everyone else to respond the way they really feel to his style. People like this live on people just putting up with their shit. It's better if the feedback loop is very quick and visible - that behavior is not getting you what you want.
posted by ctmf at 8:31 PM on June 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
I've had some success with templates - not outright scripting their emails, but telling them "the secret" of effective email communication. Be more respectful is too vague when they already don't know how. Making them fit most communication into some sort of template, like the Crew Resource Management one (scroll a bit down) for disagreeing with someone, can work. It works if you can spin it as "You want the best chance to get what you want right? This is what works", NOT as "I don't like what you're doing".
Calling the Executive Director by her first name without being invited does not help. THAT is why you don't want to do that. Even if she doesn't say anything (TO YOU) about it.
The best thing you can do is to get everyone else to respond the way they really feel to his style. People like this live on people just putting up with their shit. It's better if the feedback loop is very quick and visible - that behavior is not getting you what you want.
posted by ctmf at 8:31 PM on June 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Say this as directly as possible. Be as clear as possible. Practice your conversation. Folks like this don't do well picking up on subtle hints and gentle cues. Be as direct as he is.
A good opportunity for this might be a 3-month or 6-month check-in evaluation, where you say something like "You have a lot of capability and leadership potential, and I'd like to support your growth in that direction. The main skill set you need to work on is communication, and though you may not be aware of it, your present style may be holding you back. I'd like to work with you to unpack and discuss different kinds of scenarios and how you can improve your communication style in order to recruit other people more effectively to supporting your projects and goals."
Then, maybe, spend some time at each of your check-ins (weekly?) working on one example you've observered: emails. Meetings. Small talk. Etc.
posted by Miko at 5:18 AM on June 20, 2017 [14 favorites]