Sorry no, you are not family, and neither am I impressed.
May 30, 2017 10:59 PM Subscribe
What is a good response to strangers who insist on addressing you in what they assume (based on your last name) is your native language, and expect you to be wildly impressed with their badly-bungled mispronunciations? (i.e., they run up to you and loudly greet you in a stilted, formal style in your native language, then turn their face toward you and await a response that indicated you are duly astounded by their brilliance).
Assume said strangers are clients/ students/ distant colleagues or others with who it is strongly advisable to maintain good relations. Assume also that it is impossible to convince said strangers that you actually do not speak said language after all (i.e., they've already asked you "Do you speak X?" and you've already responded with "Yes, but only with family.") Assume also that the "so, not at work" implied within the "... but only with family" was somehow lost on them.
(Just in case it's relevant - I mind this behavior mainly because it alienates others in the same room, it forces a "pseudo intimacy" between the two of us, and draws attention to something personal in a way far in excess of what I am comfortable with in a workplace/professional setting. So, it's definitely not the mispronunciation that I mind - in fact, in a sense, I think it's kind of cool that they're interested in exploring other cultures like that - but rather the uncomfortable situation this puts me in, in terms of either having to respond in kind - again, thereby alienating everyone else in the room who does not speak that language/ putting on a show in a way I am not comfortable with - or having to rudely blow them off - which, incidentally, is not really an acceptable option, since I still have to get along with these people - and more importantly, because many of these people are also sincerely well-meaning).
Any insight would be sincerely appreciated!
Assume said strangers are clients/ students/ distant colleagues or others with who it is strongly advisable to maintain good relations. Assume also that it is impossible to convince said strangers that you actually do not speak said language after all (i.e., they've already asked you "Do you speak X?" and you've already responded with "Yes, but only with family.") Assume also that the "so, not at work" implied within the "... but only with family" was somehow lost on them.
(Just in case it's relevant - I mind this behavior mainly because it alienates others in the same room, it forces a "pseudo intimacy" between the two of us, and draws attention to something personal in a way far in excess of what I am comfortable with in a workplace/professional setting. So, it's definitely not the mispronunciation that I mind - in fact, in a sense, I think it's kind of cool that they're interested in exploring other cultures like that - but rather the uncomfortable situation this puts me in, in terms of either having to respond in kind - again, thereby alienating everyone else in the room who does not speak that language/ putting on a show in a way I am not comfortable with - or having to rudely blow them off - which, incidentally, is not really an acceptable option, since I still have to get along with these people - and more importantly, because many of these people are also sincerely well-meaning).
Any insight would be sincerely appreciated!
The least labour-intensive way to deal is to mentally check out while briefly indulging them. ("That's very good", pause, move on - maybe to something more inclusive of everyone else.)
they've already asked you "Do you speak X?"
For new people, you could say "I only know words related to food my grandma made, sorry" (whether it's true or not).
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:18 PM on May 30, 2017 [6 favorites]
they've already asked you "Do you speak X?"
For new people, you could say "I only know words related to food my grandma made, sorry" (whether it's true or not).
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:18 PM on May 30, 2017 [6 favorites]
"Do you speak X?"
- not at work
- not casually
- I prefer English
- no
No one will listen past "yes..." and it's fine to not be an open book to strangers or colleagues. You don't owe them anything outside of your job scope.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:51 PM on May 30, 2017 [31 favorites]
- not at work
- not casually
- I prefer English
- no
No one will listen past "yes..." and it's fine to not be an open book to strangers or colleagues. You don't owe them anything outside of your job scope.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:51 PM on May 30, 2017 [31 favorites]
A quick response in English that doesn't directly address the content of what they said seems perfect in terms of politely acknowledging their effort but not further involving you.
"Oh! Guess you've been working on your Azeri!" *smile*
"Don't often hear Punjabi in this workplace!" *smile*
"That's good. Cool!" *smile*
All followed by a quick topic change.
posted by whitewall at 12:15 AM on May 31, 2017 [26 favorites]
"Oh! Guess you've been working on your Azeri!" *smile*
"Don't often hear Punjabi in this workplace!" *smile*
"That's good. Cool!" *smile*
All followed by a quick topic change.
posted by whitewall at 12:15 AM on May 31, 2017 [26 favorites]
[confused look] "What?"
posted by blueberry at 12:20 AM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by blueberry at 12:20 AM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]
I would advise against the confused look "what". I remember I adressed a teacher during my abroad studies in our combined native languages after class (privately, at his desk) for some calendar issue, and he looked up in a show of bewilderment and said "what? what? --- Ooh, you should have said: 'Now I speak [language]' !"
It was weird and humiliating and entirely unnecessary. Just tell them what others said: I appreciate your effort but let's keep it English, please.
posted by Namlit at 1:22 AM on May 31, 2017 [4 favorites]
It was weird and humiliating and entirely unnecessary. Just tell them what others said: I appreciate your effort but let's keep it English, please.
posted by Namlit at 1:22 AM on May 31, 2017 [4 favorites]
Assume also that the "so, not at work" implied within the "... but only with family" was somehow lost on them.
If this implication was lost on them, I would not blame them for somehow missing the blindingly obvious. Rather, the problem is that you are leaving this whole issue up to a very vague statement with multiple possible meanings.
If someone said they speak a language but only with family, I wouldn't understand that to mean "so please don't ever try to talk to me in that language" but something more along the lines of "but I'm not fluent enough to use it for regular business/academic purposes" or "but I don't really know anyone else who does, so really only with my family".
Perhaps your problem would be better addressed by being a little clearer up front? "I can speak X, but I never do at work. It's easiest for me to just always stick with English here."
posted by jacquilynne at 1:37 AM on May 31, 2017 [43 favorites]
If this implication was lost on them, I would not blame them for somehow missing the blindingly obvious. Rather, the problem is that you are leaving this whole issue up to a very vague statement with multiple possible meanings.
If someone said they speak a language but only with family, I wouldn't understand that to mean "so please don't ever try to talk to me in that language" but something more along the lines of "but I'm not fluent enough to use it for regular business/academic purposes" or "but I don't really know anyone else who does, so really only with my family".
Perhaps your problem would be better addressed by being a little clearer up front? "I can speak X, but I never do at work. It's easiest for me to just always stick with English here."
posted by jacquilynne at 1:37 AM on May 31, 2017 [43 favorites]
I would stick with being straightforward: "Yes, that's my first language and I use it at home with family. At work I stick with English so as not to exclude anyone else." You could also add "Do you know other [x] speakers/have a connection to [y] place?/etc.?" if it feels too abrupt.
I'll also add from the other side of the coin: I think this is something that you often just have to tolerate from people who are typically well-meaning. Based on my appearance, lots of people assume I speak a non-English language and will greet me in that or a similar language, or ask me why I don't speak it. It is tiring but I just tell them, no don't speak x, didn't hear it at home. I usually add that I do speak a couple of other languages to change the subject and suss out whether there's some other reason they're asking me about it (e.g., maybe they want me to help translate for someone, etc.)
posted by stillmoving at 1:47 AM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'll also add from the other side of the coin: I think this is something that you often just have to tolerate from people who are typically well-meaning. Based on my appearance, lots of people assume I speak a non-English language and will greet me in that or a similar language, or ask me why I don't speak it. It is tiring but I just tell them, no don't speak x, didn't hear it at home. I usually add that I do speak a couple of other languages to change the subject and suss out whether there's some other reason they're asking me about it (e.g., maybe they want me to help translate for someone, etc.)
posted by stillmoving at 1:47 AM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]
Would "Did you mean [English translation of question]? Because if so, [answer to the question in English.]" work for your purposes?
It introduces a little distance to the relationship without being a full-on rebuke and it ensures others can participate fully in the conversation. Implying that their skills in [other language] aren't as good as they thought should discourage them from trying to continue the conversation in that language and answering the question means the conversation can move forwards rather than being awkwardly stalled by their faux pas.
posted by the latin mouse at 2:04 AM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]
It introduces a little distance to the relationship without being a full-on rebuke and it ensures others can participate fully in the conversation. Implying that their skills in [other language] aren't as good as they thought should discourage them from trying to continue the conversation in that language and answering the question means the conversation can move forwards rather than being awkwardly stalled by their faux pas.
posted by the latin mouse at 2:04 AM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]
The, uh, traditional way to address this is to respond with your authentic speed, vocabulary, grammar and if possible confusing slang. You're so impressed you thought they were a native speaker!
posted by Snarl Furillo at 2:12 AM on May 31, 2017 [23 favorites]
posted by Snarl Furillo at 2:12 AM on May 31, 2017 [23 favorites]
Assume said strangers are clients/ students/ distant colleagues or others with who it is strongly advisable to maintain good relations.
I've been in these situations. The best way forward is to acknowledge briefly ("Ah, it's always nice to hear Azeri/Danish/Urdu spoken!") and then carry on as per usual in English. If they make a deal out of speaking in Azer/Danish/Urdu, politely say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I find it helpful for all, if we keep this in English". Every time they make a move, pass back gently but firmly. Repeat "I find it helpful for all, if we keep this in English" for as long as you need.
There is no need to offer any personal information or to act hostile.
posted by kariebookish at 2:41 AM on May 31, 2017 [43 favorites]
I've been in these situations. The best way forward is to acknowledge briefly ("Ah, it's always nice to hear Azeri/Danish/Urdu spoken!") and then carry on as per usual in English. If they make a deal out of speaking in Azer/Danish/Urdu, politely say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I find it helpful for all, if we keep this in English". Every time they make a move, pass back gently but firmly. Repeat "I find it helpful for all, if we keep this in English" for as long as you need.
There is no need to offer any personal information or to act hostile.
posted by kariebookish at 2:41 AM on May 31, 2017 [43 favorites]
Yeah, seconding Kariebookish, with the additional aggravation that people insist on speaking Hindi to me, which, while I do understand it, is not my native language, and not a language spoken by every Indian, despite what idiot Northies some people will tell you.
The easiest way to deal with this, if you don't want to burn bridges, is a) acknowledge the effort, and b) then continue the conversation in English. If they continue mangling your language, say something like, 'I really appreciate you trying to speak [X], but let's not exclude everyone else from the conversation!' That way you've made it not about you, and hopefully no feathers will be ruffled.
posted by Tamanna at 2:56 AM on May 31, 2017 [10 favorites]
The easiest way to deal with this, if you don't want to burn bridges, is a) acknowledge the effort, and b) then continue the conversation in English. If they continue mangling your language, say something like, 'I really appreciate you trying to speak [X], but let's not exclude everyone else from the conversation!' That way you've made it not about you, and hopefully no feathers will be ruffled.
posted by Tamanna at 2:56 AM on May 31, 2017 [10 favorites]
they run up to you and loudly greet you in a stilted, formal style in your native language, then turn their face toward you and await a response that indicated you are duly astounded by their brilliance
I'd probably respond to this situation with a genuine, warm smile and a "Well good afternoon to you too madam! How are you?" If they respond again in $language, just reply in English.
If someone asks "Do you speak X?" you could again try as sincere and kind a smile as you can muster and say "Oh, sometimes but never at work"
I think if you can manage a really warm delivery (which can be hard to get right if you feel uncomfortable but is SO worth practicing faking for the workplace!), you can set boundaries without rudely blowing people off or making them feel bad.
posted by bimbam at 5:03 AM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'd probably respond to this situation with a genuine, warm smile and a "Well good afternoon to you too madam! How are you?" If they respond again in $language, just reply in English.
If someone asks "Do you speak X?" you could again try as sincere and kind a smile as you can muster and say "Oh, sometimes but never at work"
I think if you can manage a really warm delivery (which can be hard to get right if you feel uncomfortable but is SO worth practicing faking for the workplace!), you can set boundaries without rudely blowing people off or making them feel bad.
posted by bimbam at 5:03 AM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]
Mod note: A few deleted. The purpose of Ask Metafilter is to help answer the OP's question, not to argue that the problem shouldn't bother them, not to explain how it's not really a problem, not to have a conversation about the general topic or debate with the OP or other commenters. It's fine not to answer if you don't have helpful suggestions.
posted by taz (staff) at 5:37 AM on May 31, 2017 [14 favorites]
posted by taz (staff) at 5:37 AM on May 31, 2017 [14 favorites]
I probably do this to other Dutch people when I encounter them, and they often do it to me. As per above, I listen in Dutch, maybe have a brief polite interchange and then smile warmly, switch to English and include the room. "Sorry for the brief drop into Dutch, folks!"
If the person switches to Dutch later, I only answer in English unless they are distressed or upset and can't find their English.
posted by frumiousb at 6:01 AM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]
If the person switches to Dutch later, I only answer in English unless they are distressed or upset and can't find their English.
posted by frumiousb at 6:01 AM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]
thereby alienating everyone else in the room who does not speak that language/ putting on a show in a way I am not comfortable with
I work in multilingual settings quite a bit, and I think the best way to not alienate people is not necessarily to entirely avoid having any exchange in another language; in my experience it's pretty common for folks who share a different language to greet each other that way, and can even open up conversations with folks who don't speak the language who are maybe excited about the chance to pick up a couple words. I think if you smile, greet back very briefly, then immediately switch back to English or whatever the room's common language is, you will be golden. If the person insists on continuing in the other language, at that point I think it would be entirely appropriate to say (in the common language) that you try to stick to the common language at work to be as inclusive as possible.
This doesn't answer the part of you feeling uncomfortable about something personal being shared, that's trickier, but hopefully assuages some of your worry about alienating others at least.
posted by solotoro at 6:29 AM on May 31, 2017 [4 favorites]
I work in multilingual settings quite a bit, and I think the best way to not alienate people is not necessarily to entirely avoid having any exchange in another language; in my experience it's pretty common for folks who share a different language to greet each other that way, and can even open up conversations with folks who don't speak the language who are maybe excited about the chance to pick up a couple words. I think if you smile, greet back very briefly, then immediately switch back to English or whatever the room's common language is, you will be golden. If the person insists on continuing in the other language, at that point I think it would be entirely appropriate to say (in the common language) that you try to stick to the common language at work to be as inclusive as possible.
This doesn't answer the part of you feeling uncomfortable about something personal being shared, that's trickier, but hopefully assuages some of your worry about alienating others at least.
posted by solotoro at 6:29 AM on May 31, 2017 [4 favorites]
"Oh, have you started studying (language) very recently?"
Whatever they answer.
"Oh, you're accent is very thick" (or some other non-compliment). And then continue on in English.
Fwiw, people who do this are looking for a way to connect, and are just a little socially inept at it. So it puts the situation back in your court to find the connection first, but only just a little bit. You would still be doing at least some share of that emotional labor in any given conversation anyway.
You could also just go with "sorry, I am not fluent in (language)".
posted by vignettist at 7:28 AM on May 31, 2017
Whatever they answer.
"Oh, you're accent is very thick" (or some other non-compliment). And then continue on in English.
Fwiw, people who do this are looking for a way to connect, and are just a little socially inept at it. So it puts the situation back in your court to find the connection first, but only just a little bit. You would still be doing at least some share of that emotional labor in any given conversation anyway.
You could also just go with "sorry, I am not fluent in (language)".
posted by vignettist at 7:28 AM on May 31, 2017
My go-to advice in this situation is humor. Just relax and laugh. And then, with a smile, a friendly tone, and a very slight wry note, say "Good try! But again in English, please." In other words, you are calling them out but doing it in a nice way.
posted by raisingsand at 7:56 AM on May 31, 2017
posted by raisingsand at 7:56 AM on May 31, 2017
I've been on both sides of this situation. My mother tongue is Urdu/Hindi but I really can't speak it. I've got a ton of clients who do speak it however and so normally if they're giving a greeting or other pleasantry I'll respond in my accented Urdu and then everything after that gets a straight response in English. Our office encourages the use of the languages we speak so there isn't the issue of feeling like I'm excluding others here.
That being said, I also speak Japanese and I never use it unprompted even though I always have the urge to do so with Japanese people for a couple of reasons: If they aren't a native English speaker then they might get the impression that their English isn't good enough; it might be that they're just like me and not particularly fluent in their mother tongue and may get embarrassed if a non-Japanese person is speaking to them in Japanese; and it puts their ethnicity front and centre.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 10:57 AM on May 31, 2017 [4 favorites]
That being said, I also speak Japanese and I never use it unprompted even though I always have the urge to do so with Japanese people for a couple of reasons: If they aren't a native English speaker then they might get the impression that their English isn't good enough; it might be that they're just like me and not particularly fluent in their mother tongue and may get embarrassed if a non-Japanese person is speaking to them in Japanese; and it puts their ethnicity front and centre.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 10:57 AM on May 31, 2017 [4 favorites]
When they ask if you speak the language, you give them a positive answer. All they hear is 'yes, I speak that language'. When you say 'but only with family', they may hear 'only my family knows my language - I wish others could speak it as well.'
So when they ask if you speak the language, just answer, 'Not really.' They need a negative answer. Don't leave anything up to interpretation.
posted by hydra77 at 3:06 PM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]
So when they ask if you speak the language, just answer, 'Not really.' They need a negative answer. Don't leave anything up to interpretation.
posted by hydra77 at 3:06 PM on May 31, 2017 [2 favorites]
Agree that you need to head them off at the "Do you speak X?" I often say, "You had no way of knowing this, but it's actually a source of great embarrassment to me how poorly I speak X. You may well be more fluent than I am. Let's stick to English." I've never had anyone try after that, because it would make them look like they were rubbing salt in my wounds.
posted by d. z. wang at 6:21 PM on May 31, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by d. z. wang at 6:21 PM on May 31, 2017 [3 favorites]
Maybe respond in a third language that is neither English nor your own language.
For example:
"Do you speak Chinese?"
"Yes, but only with f-"
"你好!"
"¿Ustedes hablan Chino?"
This might work, because this shifts the conversation away from your own language without directly calling them out.
posted by FJT at 11:15 PM on May 31, 2017
For example:
"Do you speak Chinese?"
"Yes, but only with f-"
"你好!"
"¿Ustedes hablan Chino?"
This might work, because this shifts the conversation away from your own language without directly calling them out.
posted by FJT at 11:15 PM on May 31, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Ms. Next at 11:15 PM on May 30, 2017 [11 favorites]