Friendship algebra
May 30, 2017 1:41 AM Subscribe
How to handle saying no to doing an activity with a friend... because you already have plans to do that activity with a mutual friend of theirs.
I have two friends (collectively referred to as Friend A below since the situation plays out the same regardless) with whom this is becoming a problem. This happens in different contexts with different activities and sometimes, but not always, different Friend Bs.
I enjoy doing Activity X, a casual activity usually planned the day of or occasionally the night before. Most people would consistently prefer to do Activity X with friends, but X can definitely be done on one's own without difficulty - ie going out to dinner, watching a movie in theaters. Friend A and I do X on a regular basis. Friend B and I also enjoy doing X, although due to B's busier schedule we don't get together to do it that often. Friends A and B are both close friends of mine and our social circles overlap heavily. A and B are reasonably good friends but would rarely if ever hang out with each other alone; they only spend time with each other in the company of myself or one of our other friends.
Sometimes I will get an invite to do Activity X from Friend B, and then friend A will reach out and also invite me to do X. If I hear from A within a reasonable time frame, I will invite A to join myself and B then give B a heads up that A will be coming along with us. So far, so good.
However, there are times when the invite from A comes late enough that if A were to join B and I, we would have to wait anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours to do an activity that we are prepared to start right now. And honestly, sometimes I don't want A to tag along-- because I haven't seen B in a while and want to catch up with them one on one, or because A and I have been spending a lot of time together and I need a little space to decompress. I genuinely like A and enjoy their company, I just don't always want to hang out.
I find it difficult to say straight out to A why I'm turning them down, since theoretically I could have made it possible for all three of us to do X together. If the issue is timing then A will always insist on coming along, even when I'm trying to make it clear that it will significantly delay B and I. I sometimes use the white lie of just being "busy", but A can easily put two and two together or find out from mutual friends. Friend A is always disappointed when I can't do X, but if they know that I did Activity X with B without them they are noticeably bothered. I'm finding A's reaction more and more frustrating because to me, it is totally understandable and acceptable that two of my mutual friends would want to hang out without me and I would not feel entitled to an invite just because they know that I enjoy the activity they were planning on doing. When I do find out that two of my friends spent time together without me I never make comments about it and if I feel negatively about it I keep it to myself. I would bow out of trying to join up with their existing plans if it was clear that it would delay or otherwise inconvenience them.
A has a slightly smaller social circle than I do and I am usually the only one down to do X with them on a regular basis. But they make no attempts to cultivate closer friendships with B or other friends and rely on me to do X. It makes me feel like I am being made responsible for A's happiness since A will only have fun doing X if they have a partner to do it with and that partner is me.
In one particular situation, A and I are in the habit of doing X on Saturdays since I usually run errands on Sundays. A sometimes brings up how doing X on Saturdays is a ritual of ours. About once a month, A will make plans to do X on a Saturday with (non-mutual) friends without me, which is totally fine! But A's expectation appears to be that I will always be free to do X and that I will always bring A with me if I have plans to do X with B. I feel increasingly resentful that I can't make plans to do X with B alone on a day when A is free without getting a guilt trip from A. I don't necessarily think that A is trying to make me feel bad on purpose, but when this happens A will mope and ask a lot of pointed questions about my time with B or talk about how A spent the time when B and I were together by themselves. This really bugs me because I never make a big deal out of A doing X with their friends even if I was really looking forward to doing X. After all, if doing X on Saturdays with me was so important then A would presumably make a concerted effort to do X with others on Sundays, but that is not the case.
So, in situations like these, when is there an obligation to preemptively invite A when I get an invitation from B to do Activity X? Is there a way to tactfully tell A that I'm doing X with B, or do I have to accept that they're going to feel how they feel about it? And how do you deal with friendships where turning down an invitation to hang out usually results in hurt feelings? As much as I love the two Friend As in my life, it is starting to wear on me that I can't turn them down because I'm meeting up with a mutual friend or even because I'm just not in the mood to hang out without feeling like I kicked a puppy.
I have two friends (collectively referred to as Friend A below since the situation plays out the same regardless) with whom this is becoming a problem. This happens in different contexts with different activities and sometimes, but not always, different Friend Bs.
I enjoy doing Activity X, a casual activity usually planned the day of or occasionally the night before. Most people would consistently prefer to do Activity X with friends, but X can definitely be done on one's own without difficulty - ie going out to dinner, watching a movie in theaters. Friend A and I do X on a regular basis. Friend B and I also enjoy doing X, although due to B's busier schedule we don't get together to do it that often. Friends A and B are both close friends of mine and our social circles overlap heavily. A and B are reasonably good friends but would rarely if ever hang out with each other alone; they only spend time with each other in the company of myself or one of our other friends.
Sometimes I will get an invite to do Activity X from Friend B, and then friend A will reach out and also invite me to do X. If I hear from A within a reasonable time frame, I will invite A to join myself and B then give B a heads up that A will be coming along with us. So far, so good.
However, there are times when the invite from A comes late enough that if A were to join B and I, we would have to wait anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours to do an activity that we are prepared to start right now. And honestly, sometimes I don't want A to tag along-- because I haven't seen B in a while and want to catch up with them one on one, or because A and I have been spending a lot of time together and I need a little space to decompress. I genuinely like A and enjoy their company, I just don't always want to hang out.
I find it difficult to say straight out to A why I'm turning them down, since theoretically I could have made it possible for all three of us to do X together. If the issue is timing then A will always insist on coming along, even when I'm trying to make it clear that it will significantly delay B and I. I sometimes use the white lie of just being "busy", but A can easily put two and two together or find out from mutual friends. Friend A is always disappointed when I can't do X, but if they know that I did Activity X with B without them they are noticeably bothered. I'm finding A's reaction more and more frustrating because to me, it is totally understandable and acceptable that two of my mutual friends would want to hang out without me and I would not feel entitled to an invite just because they know that I enjoy the activity they were planning on doing. When I do find out that two of my friends spent time together without me I never make comments about it and if I feel negatively about it I keep it to myself. I would bow out of trying to join up with their existing plans if it was clear that it would delay or otherwise inconvenience them.
A has a slightly smaller social circle than I do and I am usually the only one down to do X with them on a regular basis. But they make no attempts to cultivate closer friendships with B or other friends and rely on me to do X. It makes me feel like I am being made responsible for A's happiness since A will only have fun doing X if they have a partner to do it with and that partner is me.
In one particular situation, A and I are in the habit of doing X on Saturdays since I usually run errands on Sundays. A sometimes brings up how doing X on Saturdays is a ritual of ours. About once a month, A will make plans to do X on a Saturday with (non-mutual) friends without me, which is totally fine! But A's expectation appears to be that I will always be free to do X and that I will always bring A with me if I have plans to do X with B. I feel increasingly resentful that I can't make plans to do X with B alone on a day when A is free without getting a guilt trip from A. I don't necessarily think that A is trying to make me feel bad on purpose, but when this happens A will mope and ask a lot of pointed questions about my time with B or talk about how A spent the time when B and I were together by themselves. This really bugs me because I never make a big deal out of A doing X with their friends even if I was really looking forward to doing X. After all, if doing X on Saturdays with me was so important then A would presumably make a concerted effort to do X with others on Sundays, but that is not the case.
So, in situations like these, when is there an obligation to preemptively invite A when I get an invitation from B to do Activity X? Is there a way to tactfully tell A that I'm doing X with B, or do I have to accept that they're going to feel how they feel about it? And how do you deal with friendships where turning down an invitation to hang out usually results in hurt feelings? As much as I love the two Friend As in my life, it is starting to wear on me that I can't turn them down because I'm meeting up with a mutual friend or even because I'm just not in the mood to hang out without feeling like I kicked a puppy.
(Female pronouns for ease of use)
I don't necessarily think that A is trying to make me feel bad on purpose, but when this happens A will mope and ask a lot of pointed questions about my time with B or talk about how A spent the time when B and I were together by themselves. This really bugs me because I never make a big deal out of A doing X with their friends even if I was really looking forward to doing X. After all, if doing X on Saturdays with me was so important then A would presumably make a concerted effort to do X with others on Sundays, but that is not the case.
Guess what? This is not about the activity at all. This is about you. Or, more specifically, about A's perception of what your investment of time and energy mean, in terms of friendship.
A's self-validation is tied up in how much time you spend with her and wants you to always choose her. She wants you to prioritize her over B and any other friends you may have. All the time. So she's not going to look for other friends or activities to fill her time. Because why would she, when you're not involved? You are the prize here.
Every time it plays out that you choose another friend, or do not choose to loop A in with another friend- it hurts. It hits her right in the self-esteem. It makes her see that she is not as important to you as she wishes she was.
Friend A may be like this with others, or maybe it's only with you- perhaps you are simply the one who she values most, and therefore, from whom most of her validation is drawn. (Or, she may be like this across the board, and exhibit the neediness and other related behaviors to others and in other situations. It's hard to say.)
And how do you deal with friendships where turning down an invitation to hang out usually results in hurt feelings?
This is what happens when one of the people involved has ended up in this sort of dynamic. Feelings are hurt because some people have not learned how to decouple self-esteem from the friendship equation.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 2:51 AM on May 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
I don't necessarily think that A is trying to make me feel bad on purpose, but when this happens A will mope and ask a lot of pointed questions about my time with B or talk about how A spent the time when B and I were together by themselves. This really bugs me because I never make a big deal out of A doing X with their friends even if I was really looking forward to doing X. After all, if doing X on Saturdays with me was so important then A would presumably make a concerted effort to do X with others on Sundays, but that is not the case.
Guess what? This is not about the activity at all. This is about you. Or, more specifically, about A's perception of what your investment of time and energy mean, in terms of friendship.
A's self-validation is tied up in how much time you spend with her and wants you to always choose her. She wants you to prioritize her over B and any other friends you may have. All the time. So she's not going to look for other friends or activities to fill her time. Because why would she, when you're not involved? You are the prize here.
Every time it plays out that you choose another friend, or do not choose to loop A in with another friend- it hurts. It hits her right in the self-esteem. It makes her see that she is not as important to you as she wishes she was.
Friend A may be like this with others, or maybe it's only with you- perhaps you are simply the one who she values most, and therefore, from whom most of her validation is drawn. (Or, she may be like this across the board, and exhibit the neediness and other related behaviors to others and in other situations. It's hard to say.)
And how do you deal with friendships where turning down an invitation to hang out usually results in hurt feelings?
This is what happens when one of the people involved has ended up in this sort of dynamic. Feelings are hurt because some people have not learned how to decouple self-esteem from the friendship equation.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 2:51 AM on May 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
Regardless of A's motivation, what can you do about this dynamic?
Is there a way to tactfully tell A that I'm doing X with B, or do I have to accept that they're going to feel how they feel about it? And how do you deal with friendships where turning down an invitation to hang out usually results in hurt feelings?
You could have conversations about this with A, and try to reassure them, deal with the feelings aspect of all of it. But that is a slippery slope. I am most inclined to say, you can't engineer this. You are not responsible for other peoples' feelings. They are making your behavior personal, and attaching personal things to it, when in truth, you are just living your life. The more you engage A on her terms, and start to reframe these interactions in terms of feelings and motives, you have opened a door that will be very hard to close. Just don't go there.
Needy people can have a well that nothing will ever fill. It's not a one-and-done thing, in my experience. If you go there, you will stay there, and you will lose the ability to hold yourself above the emotional fray. Don't cast yourself in the role of A's emotional caretaker. Her validation cannot come from you. Just do your thing.
Disclosure: I was friend A, in my own version of this scenario. Heck, sometimes I still am. I have had to work hard at not letting other people's actions affect how I perceive my own value. It's a hard lesson, but a valuable one.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 3:32 AM on May 30, 2017 [8 favorites]
Is there a way to tactfully tell A that I'm doing X with B, or do I have to accept that they're going to feel how they feel about it? And how do you deal with friendships where turning down an invitation to hang out usually results in hurt feelings?
You could have conversations about this with A, and try to reassure them, deal with the feelings aspect of all of it. But that is a slippery slope. I am most inclined to say, you can't engineer this. You are not responsible for other peoples' feelings. They are making your behavior personal, and attaching personal things to it, when in truth, you are just living your life. The more you engage A on her terms, and start to reframe these interactions in terms of feelings and motives, you have opened a door that will be very hard to close. Just don't go there.
Needy people can have a well that nothing will ever fill. It's not a one-and-done thing, in my experience. If you go there, you will stay there, and you will lose the ability to hold yourself above the emotional fray. Don't cast yourself in the role of A's emotional caretaker. Her validation cannot come from you. Just do your thing.
Disclosure: I was friend A, in my own version of this scenario. Heck, sometimes I still am. I have had to work hard at not letting other people's actions affect how I perceive my own value. It's a hard lesson, but a valuable one.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 3:32 AM on May 30, 2017 [8 favorites]
She doesn't want to be left out, but she may probably understand the desire for an intimate friend hangout.
"Hey! I'd love to hang out and do Xylophoning but I'm doing it with Bianca this Saturday. I'd invite you normally but I wanted to catch up one-on-one with her - hope you understand. How about Xylophoning next Saturday?"
posted by suedehead at 6:30 AM on May 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
"Hey! I'd love to hang out and do Xylophoning but I'm doing it with Bianca this Saturday. I'd invite you normally but I wanted to catch up one-on-one with her - hope you understand. How about Xylophoning next Saturday?"
posted by suedehead at 6:30 AM on May 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
When it's a timing thing, I'd say, "B and I are on our way out the door to do that right now! I'm excited to see you next Saturday though." If she asks you to wait, tell her that won't fit in with your plans for the day, and ignore any protests.
If I were her, your white lies would make me feel more insecure, because I'd always be wondering if you were "cheating" on me. And I might want to formalize the Saturday plans so they really do happen every week unless one of you gives the other notice a week in advance. That way neither of you will be left guessing whether you should make other plans, and she'll feel less insecure about it.
posted by metasarah at 7:18 AM on May 30, 2017
If I were her, your white lies would make me feel more insecure, because I'd always be wondering if you were "cheating" on me. And I might want to formalize the Saturday plans so they really do happen every week unless one of you gives the other notice a week in advance. That way neither of you will be left guessing whether you should make other plans, and she'll feel less insecure about it.
posted by metasarah at 7:18 AM on May 30, 2017
Sometimes I will get an invite to do Activity X from Friend B, and then friend A will reach out and also invite me to do X. If I hear from A within a reasonable time frame, I will invite A to join myself and B then give B a heads up that A will be coming along with us.
Side note: I have been friend B in this situation, and it is not OK. You indicate that sometimes you want to spend time with B without A. Please stop making this choice for B. (Maybe you know it's OK with B - if so, please disregard.)
posted by FencingGal at 7:19 AM on May 30, 2017 [7 favorites]
Side note: I have been friend B in this situation, and it is not OK. You indicate that sometimes you want to spend time with B without A. Please stop making this choice for B. (Maybe you know it's OK with B - if so, please disregard.)
posted by FencingGal at 7:19 AM on May 30, 2017 [7 favorites]
if they know that I did Activity X with B without them they are noticeably bothered
Ok, the As in your life are passive aggressive. I think you really have to rip the bandaid off and talk about this as mature adults.
"A, I really enjoy doing X with you, and I also enjoy doing it with B. Sometimes it works out that we all do it together, and that's great! But I value time alone with each of you, too. Sometimes it's nice for me to spend time with just B (just like it's nice to spend time with just you!). But I get the sense that it bothers you when I do X without you. Can we talk about it?"
Then hopefully you have a good conversation that lays out feelings and expectations. And if A denies that they're bothered (i.e. refuses to engage in open communication), stop worrying about their feelings and go about your business. Passive aggressive people are not worth losing sleep over.
posted by yawper at 7:43 AM on May 30, 2017 [3 favorites]
Ok, the As in your life are passive aggressive. I think you really have to rip the bandaid off and talk about this as mature adults.
"A, I really enjoy doing X with you, and I also enjoy doing it with B. Sometimes it works out that we all do it together, and that's great! But I value time alone with each of you, too. Sometimes it's nice for me to spend time with just B (just like it's nice to spend time with just you!). But I get the sense that it bothers you when I do X without you. Can we talk about it?"
Then hopefully you have a good conversation that lays out feelings and expectations. And if A denies that they're bothered (i.e. refuses to engage in open communication), stop worrying about their feelings and go about your business. Passive aggressive people are not worth losing sleep over.
posted by yawper at 7:43 AM on May 30, 2017 [3 favorites]
The more apologetic and understanding you try to be about his [1] feelings, the worse he will feel, because that will bolster his suspicion that you are doing something to feel guilty about. so: less delicacy, no excuses. if he is a little pissed at you, he will be less clingy than if he thinks he is being gradually edged out of his social life.
the biggest problem is those times when he's referred to X as "your" Saturday ritual, in whatever words -- that is the place to correct him even though it is probably the most awkward time to do it. because when he says that kind of thing, everything is out in the open and if you let it pass unchallenged, he thinks you have a mutual understanding. He would probably consider you to be the passive-aggressive one, on the grounds of your silence here (I don't think either of you is.)
anyway, how spontaneous does X have to be? Can you try making firm advance plans for Xing with A, like, twice in the coming month, so it's nailed down but you are not available other days? then you can plan your other weekends day by day as they come, but not with A. A gets the secure ongoing Thing they seem to be after while you get to be left alone most of the time. If this is not an attractive prospect, you kind of have to sit him down and say, 'look, you have to understand I'm not always available, even though I do like hanging out with you sometimes and don't want to stop. I just don't always like doing X in groups, that's all.' it will be extremely uncomfortable. and be absolutely sure you don't on some level want to get out of the friendship altogether, because the worst thing is if you do but assure him you don't.
[1] I appreciate your noble effort to write a gender-neutral question to avoid sexist assumptions in the answers, although I have never seen it work. I say "he" to balance the thread trend and because of the question vibe, but I realize that men are not the only people who get huffy and sad on the regular.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:59 AM on May 30, 2017 [4 favorites]
the biggest problem is those times when he's referred to X as "your" Saturday ritual, in whatever words -- that is the place to correct him even though it is probably the most awkward time to do it. because when he says that kind of thing, everything is out in the open and if you let it pass unchallenged, he thinks you have a mutual understanding. He would probably consider you to be the passive-aggressive one, on the grounds of your silence here (I don't think either of you is.)
anyway, how spontaneous does X have to be? Can you try making firm advance plans for Xing with A, like, twice in the coming month, so it's nailed down but you are not available other days? then you can plan your other weekends day by day as they come, but not with A. A gets the secure ongoing Thing they seem to be after while you get to be left alone most of the time. If this is not an attractive prospect, you kind of have to sit him down and say, 'look, you have to understand I'm not always available, even though I do like hanging out with you sometimes and don't want to stop. I just don't always like doing X in groups, that's all.' it will be extremely uncomfortable. and be absolutely sure you don't on some level want to get out of the friendship altogether, because the worst thing is if you do but assure him you don't.
[1] I appreciate your noble effort to write a gender-neutral question to avoid sexist assumptions in the answers, although I have never seen it work. I say "he" to balance the thread trend and because of the question vibe, but I realize that men are not the only people who get huffy and sad on the regular.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:59 AM on May 30, 2017 [4 favorites]
It might help a little if there is some way to differentiate the fun outing you do as a big(ger) group from the fun outing that you do just as two people. The way it would help is that the person who is person B this time around could have a partial clue that tonight's activity is not group activity, it is just two people enjoying each other and an additional person would spoil it. This may not be feasible at all if the activity is virtually identical. But if you can make small distinctions by genre (horror movies, Mexican restaurants) or by time or by location (early night, drinks in X neighborhood) then you have some rejection language that you can use (if you are an inveterate truth-teller) that's somewhat less hurtful. It moves just slightly off of the "we don't want you" message that insecure friends 'hear' when they find out they aren't invited. It shapes the answer into "this event isn't for you."
The geek social fallacy that "friendship is transitive" is interesting to read about.
posted by puddledork at 8:05 AM on May 30, 2017
The geek social fallacy that "friendship is transitive" is interesting to read about.
posted by puddledork at 8:05 AM on May 30, 2017
Speaking as someone who's almost certainly Friend A in one part of my social life, I think you just have to keep on saying you're busy without going into detail. Sometimes I know my buddies are hanging out without me and it makes me sad but to be honest it doesn't really help if they tell me that explicitly; it just gets more awkward. The disappointment and jealousy are an issue in my head and as such no one else can really resolve that for me. As time has gone by I have (I think/hope) learned to deal by not making a thing out of each instance where I'm left out, and by spending more time with other friends. I agree with metasarah that you may want to formalize your plans with A if you would like them to stop taking out their insecurity on you (maybe every other week if they flake sometimes?).
posted by ferret branca at 8:33 AM on May 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by ferret branca at 8:33 AM on May 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
One of the things I noticed in your story is that you describe how you behave if A or B invites you or doesn't invite you to X, but you never mention you ever inviting anyone to X. Now, maybe you have omitted those instances because they're not relevant to your story, or maybe A feels really insecure because she's doing all the work in your friendship, and only ever gets to X with you if she manages to ask you before you're already asked by someone else or if it wouldn't be too inconvenient for you.
So, if you don't already do so, I strongly encourage you to start inviting A to X. Sometimes with B, sometimes without B. But make it clear to A that she isn't just a backup friend to B, that you actually want to spend time with her.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:38 AM on May 30, 2017
So, if you don't already do so, I strongly encourage you to start inviting A to X. Sometimes with B, sometimes without B. But make it clear to A that she isn't just a backup friend to B, that you actually want to spend time with her.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:38 AM on May 30, 2017
Do you have call display? Frankly, in your shoes, I would just stop immediately responding to any calls or messages from A that arrive after the point where you can comfortably include them (for whatever reason). After I had finished my X-ing I would get back to them and say "hey, returning your call, was out with B."
posted by rpfields at 11:19 AM on May 30, 2017
posted by rpfields at 11:19 AM on May 30, 2017
I find that it's becoming more and more common for friendships to be based around activities. In adult life (I'm in my early 30s), friends rarely just hang out or spend time together without a purpose, even if that purpose is as simple as eating a meal. In this dynamic, the activity itself becomes the friendship. It's what links you.
If X is mostly how you spend time with your Friend As, it makes some sense that they would see your doing X without them as a social slight. They're seeing X as the primary driver of the friendship (the giveaway is that they sometimes refer to doing X on Saturdays as "your ritual"), while you're seeing it as just a fun activity to be done with anyone you feel like. The fact that you sometimes invite your Friend As to join you in doing X with Friend B only reinforces the notion of the activity itself as the friendship.
If you want to continue being good friends with your Friend As, I would diversify your friendship. Spend time together doing other things. Make them feel important in your life outside the context of X, and like they're not just backup friends, as jacquilynne suggests. And yes, you inviting them (rather than them inviting you) can make a big difference.
I find it difficult to say straight out to A why I'm turning them down
I think it's more polite to turn them down without explanation. If you want to reinforce your friendship, counteroffer alternative plans (for X or, even better, a different activity). Phrases like "I can't tonight, but how about doing Z next week?" or "I already have plans" may be better than a curt "I'm busy." On the other hand, I can also see how saying "I was hoping for some one-on-one catching up time with Friend B, maybe next time?" is both true and shifts the perspective away from X being "your ritual."
posted by danceswithlight at 12:47 PM on May 30, 2017
If X is mostly how you spend time with your Friend As, it makes some sense that they would see your doing X without them as a social slight. They're seeing X as the primary driver of the friendship (the giveaway is that they sometimes refer to doing X on Saturdays as "your ritual"), while you're seeing it as just a fun activity to be done with anyone you feel like. The fact that you sometimes invite your Friend As to join you in doing X with Friend B only reinforces the notion of the activity itself as the friendship.
If you want to continue being good friends with your Friend As, I would diversify your friendship. Spend time together doing other things. Make them feel important in your life outside the context of X, and like they're not just backup friends, as jacquilynne suggests. And yes, you inviting them (rather than them inviting you) can make a big difference.
I find it difficult to say straight out to A why I'm turning them down
I think it's more polite to turn them down without explanation. If you want to reinforce your friendship, counteroffer alternative plans (for X or, even better, a different activity). Phrases like "I can't tonight, but how about doing Z next week?" or "I already have plans" may be better than a curt "I'm busy." On the other hand, I can also see how saying "I was hoping for some one-on-one catching up time with Friend B, maybe next time?" is both true and shifts the perspective away from X being "your ritual."
posted by danceswithlight at 12:47 PM on May 30, 2017
The weekend hiking conundrum. Sometimes you just have to tell people, sorry we need to leave, now because I need to be back on time or sorry we want to go just the two of us and chat but I'll catch up with you tomorrow. Be factual, friendly and brief and tell them what you're doing and if they can come or not. That's all.
posted by fshgrl at 6:49 PM on May 30, 2017
posted by fshgrl at 6:49 PM on May 30, 2017
A and B are reasonably good friends but would rarely if ever hang out with each other alone; they only spend time with each other in the company of myself or one of our other friends.
The more I read your question, the more I wonder if your Friend Bs just kinda sorta don't enjoy spending time with Friend A and you're perhaps passively doing your part in minimizing their contact with each other. Yes, friendship isn't transitive and whatnot, but you don't mention proactively organizing things with A and your Bs. Maybe you or some of the Bs have a strong preference for doing X with only one other person, or you're maybe just uncomfortable with organizing social things, but between this dynamic and A doing most of the inviting, A has good reasons to wonder about your relationship.
We all have friends (even close ones) we don't proactively include in group things, and there's always some reason why, so, you know, be honest with yourself.
posted by blerghamot at 6:50 PM on May 30, 2017
The more I read your question, the more I wonder if your Friend Bs just kinda sorta don't enjoy spending time with Friend A and you're perhaps passively doing your part in minimizing their contact with each other. Yes, friendship isn't transitive and whatnot, but you don't mention proactively organizing things with A and your Bs. Maybe you or some of the Bs have a strong preference for doing X with only one other person, or you're maybe just uncomfortable with organizing social things, but between this dynamic and A doing most of the inviting, A has good reasons to wonder about your relationship.
We all have friends (even close ones) we don't proactively include in group things, and there's always some reason why, so, you know, be honest with yourself.
posted by blerghamot at 6:50 PM on May 30, 2017
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I don't think this necessarily follows. It's likely that what A is bummed about missing out on is spending time with you. A knows you enjoy X, so trying to make doing X together every weekend into your "thing" is A's way of making sure you spend time together regularly without sounding too needy.
Some suggestions for how to handle it...
The next time A calls when you have plans with B, try offering an alternate activity. Like "I'm X-ing with B at the moment, but if you're still free later, did you want to meet up and Y?" or an alternate time, like "I'm already X-ing, sorry! Are you free on Wednesday? I'd be up for X-ing after work." If it's a self-confidence thing then immediately making other plans with them instead of just rejecting them may soften the blow.
Instead of the "I'm busy" white lie. Try a white lie which advances the timeline. There's presumably a point at which A will no longer try to crash your plans, you just need to identify where that point is. A might be happy making the two of you sit around in the restaurant for half an hour waiting for them before you order, but wouldn't expect you to sit and let your food go cold if it had already arrived.
Try to do non-X things with A individually and with A and B collectively. If A doesn't feel that X-ing together on Sundays is some special tradition, then they might be less upset when you have to break with that tradition. Putting A and B together in lots of different settings increases the odds that they'll begin to feel more comfortable together and as if they're friends in their own right rather than being two of your friends in competition with each other. (Although it's still not a guarantee.)
posted by the latin mouse at 2:27 AM on May 30, 2017 [3 favorites]