Helping a friend whose spouse is dying
May 21, 2017 10:36 AM Subscribe
A friend of ours, "Jane", is dying of cancer, and in a terrible way (some details inside, CW). How can we best help her spouse, "George", who IMO also seems to be at risk for post-traumatic stress?
First, assume that we have the basics covered. We provide practical help: I'm cooking a couple of times a week for them, and we've been helping with chores and household maintenance. My husband is good friends with George through shared hobbies, and they spend time doing fun things to help George take his mind off the horror. I'm a good listener and not easily shaken by medical details, and have been lending an ear. We're aware of comfort in/dump out.
The thing is, Jane's body is literally becoming deformed and disintegrating (extensive visible tumor growth, wounds, trouble breathing, extreme starvation, etc.), and George is witnessing this first hand. The way he describes it makes me worry that he is getting more traumatized than he even realizes. I mean, losing the person you love most is more than traumatizing in itself, but he's literally seeing things he can't unsee, on a daily basis. Jane's still at home, but the end is probably approaching fast.
Another thing worth mentioning is that during Jane's battle with cancer, there was a really stupid, dismissive initial misdiagnosis (she has a history of recurring cancer and presented with symptoms that were glaringly obvious), followed by a couple of medical mistakes, all of which may have crucially affected the outcome. George has a tendency to obsess, and I'm wondering now how he will be able to deal with these facts in the long run. (Would it even be healthier for him to pursue a malpractice case or let go?)
A few days ago George was in a car accident after speeding madly on the highway. Luckily, he wasn't injured badly, but we're worried it was some sort of trauma-related self-destructive impulse. (Jane wasn't in the car, so it wasn't an attempt to end her/their suffering. George would prefer for her to apply for euthanasia - which is legal here - but Jane's religion forbids it.)
Obviously, George could use some counselling or therapy, and we'll keep gently encouraging it (he's not receptive to the idea at the moment, and may be the sort of person who never will be).
Do you have any words of advice, or resources you would recommend?
How can we best help now, and what to expect afterwards?
PS. Although the framing of this question may sound otherwise, Jane, her comfort and well-being are front an center, for all of us. She's heavily medicated, well taken care of, supported by her many friends, and increasingly at peace with what is happening. Jane and George don't have any children.
First, assume that we have the basics covered. We provide practical help: I'm cooking a couple of times a week for them, and we've been helping with chores and household maintenance. My husband is good friends with George through shared hobbies, and they spend time doing fun things to help George take his mind off the horror. I'm a good listener and not easily shaken by medical details, and have been lending an ear. We're aware of comfort in/dump out.
The thing is, Jane's body is literally becoming deformed and disintegrating (extensive visible tumor growth, wounds, trouble breathing, extreme starvation, etc.), and George is witnessing this first hand. The way he describes it makes me worry that he is getting more traumatized than he even realizes. I mean, losing the person you love most is more than traumatizing in itself, but he's literally seeing things he can't unsee, on a daily basis. Jane's still at home, but the end is probably approaching fast.
Another thing worth mentioning is that during Jane's battle with cancer, there was a really stupid, dismissive initial misdiagnosis (she has a history of recurring cancer and presented with symptoms that were glaringly obvious), followed by a couple of medical mistakes, all of which may have crucially affected the outcome. George has a tendency to obsess, and I'm wondering now how he will be able to deal with these facts in the long run. (Would it even be healthier for him to pursue a malpractice case or let go?)
A few days ago George was in a car accident after speeding madly on the highway. Luckily, he wasn't injured badly, but we're worried it was some sort of trauma-related self-destructive impulse. (Jane wasn't in the car, so it wasn't an attempt to end her/their suffering. George would prefer for her to apply for euthanasia - which is legal here - but Jane's religion forbids it.)
Obviously, George could use some counselling or therapy, and we'll keep gently encouraging it (he's not receptive to the idea at the moment, and may be the sort of person who never will be).
Do you have any words of advice, or resources you would recommend?
How can we best help now, and what to expect afterwards?
PS. Although the framing of this question may sound otherwise, Jane, her comfort and well-being are front an center, for all of us. She's heavily medicated, well taken care of, supported by her many friends, and increasingly at peace with what is happening. Jane and George don't have any children.
Obviously, George could use some counselling or therapy... (he's not receptive to the idea at the moment, and may be the sort of person who never will be).
It is possible that he might be more open to a grief support group or a bereaved carers group or something similar after Jane dies. It may be extremely hard to for him to look at doing anything to take care of himself right now.
Is there any home hospice on the scene?
posted by DarlingBri at 10:55 AM on May 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
It is possible that he might be more open to a grief support group or a bereaved carers group or something similar after Jane dies. It may be extremely hard to for him to look at doing anything to take care of himself right now.
Is there any home hospice on the scene?
posted by DarlingBri at 10:55 AM on May 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
George needs a break so badly. He almost killed himself to escape. Can you get him some respite care so he can get away for a few days?
Maybe one of you could take him fishing or camping or to the seashore or to a city?
posted by amtho at 11:18 AM on May 21, 2017
Maybe one of you could take him fishing or camping or to the seashore or to a city?
posted by amtho at 11:18 AM on May 21, 2017
When my mom had hospice there was support for caregivers included. I had access to counseling, a grief support group, and a chaplain (I'm spiritual-but-not-religious so they sent a really nice, really cool Unitarian Universalist who was totally on my wavelength). You say Jane has access to all the pain control she needs so I'm assuming hospice is involved. If not, get them there ASAP. They're a godsend.
Seconding respite care. George needs a Team George (as Captain Awkward puts it). Does he have any family he is close to, or other friends? Even someone to sit with Jane for an hour or two so George can have a glass of wine and a walk around the block might help.
George speeding on the highway says to me that he's about to have a breakdown, poor guy. I hope he can get counseling and support soon. Best of luck to all of you.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:23 AM on May 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
Seconding respite care. George needs a Team George (as Captain Awkward puts it). Does he have any family he is close to, or other friends? Even someone to sit with Jane for an hour or two so George can have a glass of wine and a walk around the block might help.
George speeding on the highway says to me that he's about to have a breakdown, poor guy. I hope he can get counseling and support soon. Best of luck to all of you.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:23 AM on May 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by elf27 at 10:49 AM on May 21, 2017 [3 favorites]