How do I ask my sister to deal with her anxiety?
May 14, 2017 7:03 PM Subscribe
My sister has had significant, longstanding anxiety since her early teens (for the last two decades). She is always wound tight. When she's stressed out, she snaps at family (including me) and she's always stressed out. I can count the number of times I've visited her in the past decade and NOT been snapped at on one hand. I've had it. How can I get her to see that this is a problem?
Both I and her husband have suggested before (a few years ago) that she would benefit from therapy. She rejected that idea. It's definitely what she needs, but I have no idea how to get her to see that her anxiety is a problem.
She does at least apologize now, once she's cooled down. Until a few years ago, she wouldn't even do that.
Both I and her husband have suggested before (a few years ago) that she would benefit from therapy. She rejected that idea. It's definitely what she needs, but I have no idea how to get her to see that her anxiety is a problem.
She does at least apologize now, once she's cooled down. Until a few years ago, she wouldn't even do that.
She'll only see it's a problem when she faces consequences for her actions. I would tell her directly to stop snapping at you, and the next time she does, leave the room/the house/hang up the phone. Repeat as much as necessary.
posted by AFABulous at 7:34 PM on May 14, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by AFABulous at 7:34 PM on May 14, 2017 [10 favorites]
(She may never see it as her problem, though. She may see it as your unreasonableness.)
posted by AFABulous at 7:35 PM on May 14, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by AFABulous at 7:35 PM on May 14, 2017 [5 favorites]
Exactly as jesourie says. All you can do is have boundaries and stick to them.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:51 PM on May 14, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:51 PM on May 14, 2017 [3 favorites]
I wouldn't be so quick to assume there is not somd sort of biological component, at this point her nervous system sounds fried. What you describe (maybe) sounds like some kind of damage to the amygdala. Or hormonal imbalance. Possibly some sort of vitamin deficiency (lack of all sorts of things, including iron, can cause extreme anxiety because your body is easily panicked when it's not functioning correctly...)
Let's assume deep down your sister hates her lack of control and the awful anxiety she feels. Let's also assume she believes there isn't a cure, and that she's just kinda an asshole. In this circumstance, you and her husband might make some progress if you can research and present facts and medical professionals for her to see. It sounds like it might be a journey to get to the root of this.
I don't think she wants to live life this way, do you? I agree with her that therapy is kinda useless by itself, and you might convince her this is worth addressing, even if it becomes a long project, with a wholistic approach. She deserves to feel better, and I would tell her that if I wanted her to hear me.
posted by jbenben at 8:36 PM on May 14, 2017 [5 favorites]
Let's assume deep down your sister hates her lack of control and the awful anxiety she feels. Let's also assume she believes there isn't a cure, and that she's just kinda an asshole. In this circumstance, you and her husband might make some progress if you can research and present facts and medical professionals for her to see. It sounds like it might be a journey to get to the root of this.
I don't think she wants to live life this way, do you? I agree with her that therapy is kinda useless by itself, and you might convince her this is worth addressing, even if it becomes a long project, with a wholistic approach. She deserves to feel better, and I would tell her that if I wanted her to hear me.
posted by jbenben at 8:36 PM on May 14, 2017 [5 favorites]
Therapy is not "kinda useless" for treating anxiety, but there are certainly other things that can help, too. But as jesourie said, it's your sister's responsibility to figure that part out. Your responsibility is to set and enforce appropriate boundaries with her ("When you behave that way, I cannot be around you"), and maybe to have a conversation with her about how her behavior affects you if you think that would be worthwhile. It's not your job to determine how she addresses her anxiety, and telling her what to do will likely backfire, anyway, unless she asks for more specific help.
posted by lazuli at 8:41 PM on May 14, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 8:41 PM on May 14, 2017 [10 favorites]
You could offer to pay for her therapy, if you can afford it, if that's the barrier stopping her.
You could also talk about your own anxiety (if you have it) and what medications/therapies have helped you.
posted by Sockpuppets 'R' Us at 8:56 PM on May 14, 2017 [1 favorite]
You could also talk about your own anxiety (if you have it) and what medications/therapies have helped you.
posted by Sockpuppets 'R' Us at 8:56 PM on May 14, 2017 [1 favorite]
Hey, my sister has been treated for her anxiety for years, via both medication and therapy, and it still doesn't stop her from treating the people around her terribly sometimes and also from refusing to see that she's doing so--my sister has NEVER apologized for snapping at me, even when I've been at my own wit's end and called her on her shit.
I don't know what goes on in her therapy sessions and short of joint therapy, which is logistically impossible, it's something I'll never really be able to get to the root of with her. Since we live far apart and our time together is rare and intense, traditional boundary setting is hard. I mostly deal with it by writing down the more outrageous things she does and says, because otherwise I'd feel like I was exaggerating when I think about it later. Eventually looking back at the litany of shit she lays at my feet (complaints about how I like my coffee? the fact that I sometimes read books on an app on my phone? snidely asking me if I understand the groundhog does not actually control the onset of spring?) becomes much more hilarious than hurtful, and eventually it's a certain kind of entertainment just to see what utterly benign thing might set her off (note: I do NOT try to set her off on purpose, nor do I have to. My own regular self is plenty of ammunition for her when she's in a mood).
It's no way to live, and as a person with my own anxiety issues, I really feel a lot of empathy and sympathy for my sister, who is having a hard time. I hope you can do the same. Memail me if you want to pick brains about it.
posted by padraigin at 8:57 PM on May 14, 2017 [2 favorites]
I don't know what goes on in her therapy sessions and short of joint therapy, which is logistically impossible, it's something I'll never really be able to get to the root of with her. Since we live far apart and our time together is rare and intense, traditional boundary setting is hard. I mostly deal with it by writing down the more outrageous things she does and says, because otherwise I'd feel like I was exaggerating when I think about it later. Eventually looking back at the litany of shit she lays at my feet (complaints about how I like my coffee? the fact that I sometimes read books on an app on my phone? snidely asking me if I understand the groundhog does not actually control the onset of spring?) becomes much more hilarious than hurtful, and eventually it's a certain kind of entertainment just to see what utterly benign thing might set her off (note: I do NOT try to set her off on purpose, nor do I have to. My own regular self is plenty of ammunition for her when she's in a mood).
It's no way to live, and as a person with my own anxiety issues, I really feel a lot of empathy and sympathy for my sister, who is having a hard time. I hope you can do the same. Memail me if you want to pick brains about it.
posted by padraigin at 8:57 PM on May 14, 2017 [2 favorites]
Next time she snaps, get up and walk out the door. Tell her when her behaviour improves, she might get to see you again. You need some boundaries. When there's no consequences, there's no reason to change.
posted by Jubey at 11:06 PM on May 14, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 11:06 PM on May 14, 2017 [2 favorites]
People do what works for them. As ugly and incomprehensible as it might be for you, living like this - with her little ball of idiopathic stress - is what works for her. You can decide to be a party to it and soak up the occasional backsplash, or you can choose not to be.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 3:55 AM on May 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 3:55 AM on May 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
Cry. Next time your sister snaps at you react the way you feel and sit there and cry. She hurts your feelings. Let her see it. Don't suck it up.
Next time your sister snaps at you go straight into caretaking mode. She is having a panic attack and is doing so in a controlled mode but is still basically out of control hyperventiling and miserable. If you guys are on the way out the door cancel the errand or trip. Stop what you are doing, get her to sit down, get her a drink of water - react like she is working her way towards a stroke and needs caretaking.
Put yourself on a five minute time out - which is the same as putting her on a five minute time out, basically, step out of the room and lower the stimulation so she can control her environment and get a grip.
Seriously, part of what has been going on is that your sister has been behaving in a socially inappropriate way and getting a pass on it because the people around her can see that it is out of her control and she is in distress so they are over compensating and making allowances for her, but at the same time this means they are absorbing abusive behaviour. You can't get your sister to go to therapy any more than you can force a horse to drink, but you can acknowledge the part of this that you are involved in - "enabling" and consider other ways of reacting - more support, less support, more acknowledgement of your feelings, acknowledgement of different feelings you have about it- hurt, unfair, fear for her etc.
People with anxiety and people in general often get caught up in the stuff they have to do like getting places on time at the expense of their stress levels and their relationships. So they keep moving, hunting for that missing paper, arguing with the kid about doing his homework, cooking the slightly bitter slightly yellow broccoli so it won't go to waste, adding sun-salutes and downward-dogs to their six-minute morning yoga routines to make it as productive as possible and gain the maximum benefit, until those things that are supposed to take away the stress like having an income and having people who you love and being up to date on your taxes and being healthy become sources of stress and contention. If you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong.
I would start by suggesting gently to your sister at the beginning of the visit that you find it distressing when she snaps at you, both because it hurts your feelings and it makes you worried to see her so tense, so could she as a favour, the next time she snaps at you, allow you to call her on it, and when you do, she will stop what she is doing, stand perfectly still, close her eyes, just stand perfectly still, and maybe, if she can, think of something that will make her laugh, or give someone a hug, take a two minute, one-hundred and twenty second break to breathe a bit slower, exhale deeply. Chill.
If the snapping is the symptom that bugs you, treating the symptom might be the best place to start, as opposed to trying to get her into a full scale regime of weekly appointments over two years. She's more likely to be willing to go with the band-aid than the long-term care, and if the long term care makes any kind of a difference to either of you, it opens the door to her eventually thinking about other ways of lowering her stress and anxiety levels.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:05 AM on May 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
Next time your sister snaps at you go straight into caretaking mode. She is having a panic attack and is doing so in a controlled mode but is still basically out of control hyperventiling and miserable. If you guys are on the way out the door cancel the errand or trip. Stop what you are doing, get her to sit down, get her a drink of water - react like she is working her way towards a stroke and needs caretaking.
Put yourself on a five minute time out - which is the same as putting her on a five minute time out, basically, step out of the room and lower the stimulation so she can control her environment and get a grip.
Seriously, part of what has been going on is that your sister has been behaving in a socially inappropriate way and getting a pass on it because the people around her can see that it is out of her control and she is in distress so they are over compensating and making allowances for her, but at the same time this means they are absorbing abusive behaviour. You can't get your sister to go to therapy any more than you can force a horse to drink, but you can acknowledge the part of this that you are involved in - "enabling" and consider other ways of reacting - more support, less support, more acknowledgement of your feelings, acknowledgement of different feelings you have about it- hurt, unfair, fear for her etc.
People with anxiety and people in general often get caught up in the stuff they have to do like getting places on time at the expense of their stress levels and their relationships. So they keep moving, hunting for that missing paper, arguing with the kid about doing his homework, cooking the slightly bitter slightly yellow broccoli so it won't go to waste, adding sun-salutes and downward-dogs to their six-minute morning yoga routines to make it as productive as possible and gain the maximum benefit, until those things that are supposed to take away the stress like having an income and having people who you love and being up to date on your taxes and being healthy become sources of stress and contention. If you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong.
I would start by suggesting gently to your sister at the beginning of the visit that you find it distressing when she snaps at you, both because it hurts your feelings and it makes you worried to see her so tense, so could she as a favour, the next time she snaps at you, allow you to call her on it, and when you do, she will stop what she is doing, stand perfectly still, close her eyes, just stand perfectly still, and maybe, if she can, think of something that will make her laugh, or give someone a hug, take a two minute, one-hundred and twenty second break to breathe a bit slower, exhale deeply. Chill.
If the snapping is the symptom that bugs you, treating the symptom might be the best place to start, as opposed to trying to get her into a full scale regime of weekly appointments over two years. She's more likely to be willing to go with the band-aid than the long-term care, and if the long term care makes any kind of a difference to either of you, it opens the door to her eventually thinking about other ways of lowering her stress and anxiety levels.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:05 AM on May 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
I would talk her about getting her anxiety under control for her own good. Don't make it at all about how her disease is difficult for you; make it about how much happier should could be if she weren't anxious and stressed all the time.
Anxiety is utterly exhausting and while that's not an excuse to treat others poorly, trying to see this from her perspective will take you a long way.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:39 AM on May 15, 2017
Anxiety is utterly exhausting and while that's not an excuse to treat others poorly, trying to see this from her perspective will take you a long way.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:39 AM on May 15, 2017
A friend of mine worked out a system with her mother that whenever her mother's behavior was stressing her out or drawing all the focus or out of control in some salient way, she'd look at her in the eye for a moment and say her Mom's childhood nickname, Daisy. She worked this out with her mom in a moment of NON-STRESS. A fun moment, a moment when they were feeling good and on the same wave-length and could talk honestly without somebody getting their feelings hurt.
So, every time her mother would be going on about something really anxiety-fueled and taking up all kinds of emotional space and just making my friend miserable, she'd take a breath, stop everything, look her mother in the eye, and just say, firmly, with kindness, "Daisy." And it just gave everybody enough pause that her mother had a moment to think and consider. And though her mother did not like it at first she got used to it and eventually accepted it. She began to hear and accept what her daughter was asking of her - "Mom, I love you but you're driving me nuts. Please dial it back." She began receiving it as a kind of necessary pause in the action, rather than as an attack on or dismissal of her needs.
My friend had 17 years of therapy to cope with her crazy upbringing. She was able to love her mother and get along with her as adults for many years. She's grateful she was able to do that rather than ending their relationship because her mother had an anxious disposition.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 6:47 AM on May 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
So, every time her mother would be going on about something really anxiety-fueled and taking up all kinds of emotional space and just making my friend miserable, she'd take a breath, stop everything, look her mother in the eye, and just say, firmly, with kindness, "Daisy." And it just gave everybody enough pause that her mother had a moment to think and consider. And though her mother did not like it at first she got used to it and eventually accepted it. She began to hear and accept what her daughter was asking of her - "Mom, I love you but you're driving me nuts. Please dial it back." She began receiving it as a kind of necessary pause in the action, rather than as an attack on or dismissal of her needs.
My friend had 17 years of therapy to cope with her crazy upbringing. She was able to love her mother and get along with her as adults for many years. She's grateful she was able to do that rather than ending their relationship because her mother had an anxious disposition.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 6:47 AM on May 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
jbenben: Let's assume deep down your sister hates her lack of control and the awful anxiety she feels. Let's also assume she believes there isn't a cure, and that she's just kinda an asshole. In this circumstance, you and her husband might make some progress if you can research and present facts and medical professionals for her to see. It sounds like it might be a journey to get to the root of this.
You know your sister, and if she might be swayed by research and facts, great. Or you could couple or replace that with anecdotes from friends and family who manage their own anxiety and stress through therapy and medication, either casually dropping in an anecdote, or having someone confide in your sister as a more quiet one-on-one conversation.
A personal anecdote: after sharing some personal experiences, we found out that a lot of of my wife's friends are taking anti-depressants, and hey, they look seem fairly normal! And that is likely because they're on mood-stabilizing medications. That was eye-opening, and also comforting - you feel less alone when you know something you deal with is more common than you realize, and to know that there are viable solutions.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:41 AM on May 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
You know your sister, and if she might be swayed by research and facts, great. Or you could couple or replace that with anecdotes from friends and family who manage their own anxiety and stress through therapy and medication, either casually dropping in an anecdote, or having someone confide in your sister as a more quiet one-on-one conversation.
A personal anecdote: after sharing some personal experiences, we found out that a lot of of my wife's friends are taking anti-depressants, and hey, they look seem fairly normal! And that is likely because they're on mood-stabilizing medications. That was eye-opening, and also comforting - you feel less alone when you know something you deal with is more common than you realize, and to know that there are viable solutions.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:41 AM on May 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
You could also talk about your own anxiety (if you have it) and what medications/therapies have helped you
This works for me. My sister and I both have a lot of the same underlying bad-family/genetics issues that have made us anxious adults. I have done a lot of therapy and tried medication and other things. She is more indulgent with herself which helps in other ways. She's now a lot more snappish than I am.
So I do try to mention when this or that thing helped me deal with something she's going through (decision paralysis is a major one) and I'm also super firm about not getting spoken to in a rude/snappish manner. I just lower my voice and say "Don't be mean to me, I don't think you mean it that way but it feels like you're _________" (calling me stupid, disrespecting me, whatever) and she rarely digs in. It won't stop this from happening all the time but it does help keep these events brief. Also I talk a lot about HALT checkups (are you Hungry Angry Tired Lonely) and when we're together make sure everyone is well-fed and well-exercised.
Next time she apologizes see if you can make her see that the snappishness and the fact that she is hurting your feelings with her anxious acting out, is harming your relationship. Indicate that it's going to impact your relationship with her in XYZ ways. Ask her to try to work on her behavior, not her feelings. She may not be able to control her feelings but she can probably work on her behavior. If she balks at this, you can decide to either let her know about blabla therapy/self-help options (feeling good handbook!) or just decide it's not your problem to solve.
posted by jessamyn at 12:15 PM on May 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
This works for me. My sister and I both have a lot of the same underlying bad-family/genetics issues that have made us anxious adults. I have done a lot of therapy and tried medication and other things. She is more indulgent with herself which helps in other ways. She's now a lot more snappish than I am.
So I do try to mention when this or that thing helped me deal with something she's going through (decision paralysis is a major one) and I'm also super firm about not getting spoken to in a rude/snappish manner. I just lower my voice and say "Don't be mean to me, I don't think you mean it that way but it feels like you're _________" (calling me stupid, disrespecting me, whatever) and she rarely digs in. It won't stop this from happening all the time but it does help keep these events brief. Also I talk a lot about HALT checkups (are you Hungry Angry Tired Lonely) and when we're together make sure everyone is well-fed and well-exercised.
Next time she apologizes see if you can make her see that the snappishness and the fact that she is hurting your feelings with her anxious acting out, is harming your relationship. Indicate that it's going to impact your relationship with her in XYZ ways. Ask her to try to work on her behavior, not her feelings. She may not be able to control her feelings but she can probably work on her behavior. If she balks at this, you can decide to either let her know about blabla therapy/self-help options (feeling good handbook!) or just decide it's not your problem to solve.
posted by jessamyn at 12:15 PM on May 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all this food for thought, everyone. I really appreciate it.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:02 AM on May 16, 2017
posted by ocherdraco at 9:02 AM on May 16, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
You can only control your own response to her.
When she snaps at you, you can say, "It's not OK to talk to me like that. This conversation is over until you can speak to me respectfully." And then remove yourself from the conversation.
You can choose to stop spending time with her until she's gotten her anxiety and irritability under control. When she asks why she sees less of you, you can say, "Sis, I love you and I miss you but I need to limit the amount of time I spend with you because I feel bad when you snap at me."
You have no control over her behavior. You are not responsible for her mental health. You can only control your own response to her.
posted by jesourie at 7:34 PM on May 14, 2017 [37 favorites]