The conversation lasted two minutes, maybe three minutes
April 28, 2017 8:35 AM   Subscribe

Stuck thinking about a brief encounter with someone who knocked my socks off. Problematic, of course. What now?

I was in New York a few weeks ago and ran into someone I recognized from the entertainment industry, outside his workplace. It started out as fairly benign, I love your work chat. And then we had what I can only describe as “a moment” - locked eyes, definite electricity, and I may have swooned a little. He asked my name, and of course I know his. And after a few more minutes of conversation he went in one direction and I another, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

The rational side of me feels ridiculous that I can’t shake this. On the other hand, I interact with people every day and have never experienced this before – and I want more.

In thinking about next steps, I’ve come up with these options:
1. He’s not on social media, but I could send a fan letter to his workplace and see what happens.
2. There’s a fairly good chance that I could orchestrate another in-person meeting in the same way as the last one, but I won't be back in New York for a few months.
3. Do nothing and wait for this limerence to pass. (This one makes me sad.)

Other factors that might be helpful to you to know: This person is not exactly famous; he’s probably well known in his niche field, but this isn't an out-of-my-league celebrity crush. Oh, and I’m married and so is he. But even at the risk of hurting someone, I am overwhelmed with wanting to know if this could go somewhere. HALP.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (39 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Uh, you really buried the lede there. You're both married? He is a charismatic person and you were charmed, you should really leave it at that and let it pass. Maybe you'll run into him again someday? If someone contacted me via the methods you suggest I'd probably go out of my way to avoid them. Particularly if I was married and I knew they knew my status.
posted by pazazygeek at 8:41 AM on April 28, 2017 [107 favorites]


Don't be a person wishing to break up someone else's marriage, that's no way to live.

Enjoy the limerence, but harness it for what it is: you got a little bolt out of the blue, is this a wake-up call that you need to do some housekeeping in your life? Do you really have a relationship issue or do you need to think about your stress management or the things you do in life that give you warm fuzzies in return?

This is a thing we agree to when we partner long-term with someone with a monogamy agreement: that there ARE other people in the world we'll be attracted to, that's just life, and we don't go binning the one we've got at the first provocation.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:44 AM on April 28, 2017 [51 favorites]


People who are really successful in the entertainment industry have a tendency to be very charismatic - that's a big part of what makes them really successful. You should consider that you've been bowled over by something intrinsic in this person that everyone he meets also experiences, and not that you formed a special connection in those three minutes that's worth destroying two marriages over.
posted by something something at 8:50 AM on April 28, 2017 [109 favorites]


Enjoy your jolt of electricity for the delightful bit of excitement that it was, let it spice up your fantasy life if you want, and otherwise let this one go. There is no way for this to play out that is good for the people involved in the long run, if you pursue it further.
posted by Stacey at 8:58 AM on April 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


Do nothing and wait for this limerence to pass. The other options are really really bad ideas, and you basically know this or you wouldn't need to ask.

It's okay if that makes you sad, and why you feel sad about it is something to try and unpack for yourself so you can figure out if there's something you fundamentally want to change about your life right now, or if it's more just a bolt of excited what-ifness that is hard to let go of because bolts of excitement feel good. But whatever it is, it isn't a good starting point for anything healthy. Don't blow up your marriage. Don't blow up his marriage. Don't stalk-meet-cute somebody you've had one brief conversation with in service of blowing up either of your marriages.
posted by cortex at 9:02 AM on April 28, 2017 [21 favorites]


Whatever you decide, keep in mind you're competing with the hundreds of other people who have had similar charismatic experiences with this person and are right now also having fantasies about leaving their life behind, breaking up this guy's marriage, and living happily ever after with him.

I'd go with #3, if I were you.
posted by bondcliff at 9:08 AM on April 28, 2017 [12 favorites]


"You should probably evaluate what's wrong with your current relationship and pursue couple's counseling to see if you can make it work. "

It is absolutely worth noting that being happily married absolutely does NOT mean you don't get this kind of electric moment with other people occasionally. I would not take the moment itself as an indictment of your partnership.

Your apparent willingness to play with this fire, though, might be a warning sign.
posted by uberchet at 9:08 AM on April 28, 2017 [12 favorites]


The 'do nothing and wait for the limerence to pass' option sounds the least appealing, but frankly I'm right there with Lyn Never.

I think this should still mean something for you, though. Consider that we are able to make connections everywhere in this life, whether in a committed relationship or not. I imagine you experienced both the freshness of connection, and a moment where you felt very seen by another person: experienced as an equal, and probably both fairly charmed by one another. This probably felt even more exciting because of the person's expertise and stature, and perhaps because of the niche interest factor as well.

What this might mean for you, in my mind, is that you are firstly longing for connection like this, and secondly perhaps to be in cahoots with those that are intelligent and skilled in such ways. And both are accessible goals in your life. Perhaps it's not as exciting when they're not rolled together into a package-deal, but I find life is about making repeat good decisions for oneself. So I'd ask you to maybe treat this as an illustrious wake-up call: that it's clear you still have it in you to experience such things.

I don't know your circumstances, but I bet you don't have to look far in order to take advantage of these wishes. Think about it. You might look to having some mutual friends over for dinner who are folks you admire. There are connectivity-framed games and workshops that you might join into; I really enjoy them. I can provide examples of the latter if you're curious.
posted by a good beginning at 9:10 AM on April 28, 2017 [11 favorites]


It'll be better if you meet again out of the blue, organically, and he makes the first move. Let that happen and don't push it. Believe that you're putting out the right vibes into the universe to bring good things into your life.
posted by bleep at 9:11 AM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


I was right there with you until you mentioned that you are both married. Not cool, and interesting that you slipped that in at the end like an afterthought. Get your head on straight.
posted by pintapicasso at 9:13 AM on April 28, 2017 [34 favorites]


The thing about feelings is that they come and go. You're not required to act on all of them. Being married doesn't mean you never have a connection to anyone else. It doesn't make you immune to charismatic people. It means you can be tempted, yet still choose to stay faithful anyway. You feeling this isn't an indictment on your current relationship, it just means you're human. Following through with the feeling, on the other hand...? C'mon. Enjoy the feeling, shake it off, go home and kiss your spouse.
posted by Jubey at 9:18 AM on April 28, 2017 [7 favorites]


Sigh. There's no way I'm going to convince you of this, because you are locked in the temporary madness that is limerence, but I might as well try. I doubt the "moment" was as mutual as you think.

Try to be logical about this and break it down. What actually happened?

-A period of time passed
-You made eye contact
-He asked your name
-You had a strong emotional/physical reaction including feeling faint, pounding heart, "electricity." It is literally impossible to verify that he felt anything akin to this whatsoever, much less to the same extent that you did, since feelings are on the inside.

He's a celebrity. Celebrities are, by and large, famous preciously because they have people skills. Or they are forced to develop them because everyone acts like they know them and are already friends with them.

Occam's Razor.
posted by stockpuppet at 9:27 AM on April 28, 2017 [8 favorites]


Oh, and I’m married and so is he.

Be the ethical, thoughtful person you want to be. You're married. Go home to your spouse and woo him the way you would woo this person if it were okay (because it's really not) and you might be amazed at the results. Invite more of these feelings into your life! But not at the cost of commitments you soberly made before witnesses.

'Cause this has been me and I have handled it badly and I have handled it well (still married, still in love with my spouse.) The ethical way is always, always, always the well. This is what your vows meant, this moment here, when you promised to put the well-being of your spouse at the centre of your life. If you want to separate, then you exit ethically. If you don't, then you are really still responsible for that promise.

If you're thinking of just friendship or whatever, give it a couple of months to be sure your feet are on the ground (no. infidelity.) and then see if you can be truly actually friends, if that's what you want. But if you want an affair, don't.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:28 AM on April 28, 2017 [9 favorites]


Look, you can have passing moments of chemistry with a lot of people. But just because a moment like that happened on that particular day doesn't mean it *means* anything (assuming something electric did in fact happen and that's not just how he relates to everyone.) It's just a moment. Some people deliberately cultivate opportunities for those moments for an ego boost. He could see you again another day and feel totally differently. He might even (probably would) be surprised you gave that moment the gravity you did. You can opt to pass on making those moments important, and I agree with everyone that you should.

Don't try to finagle a meeting in any of those ways, either... That's how stalking starts, pretty sure.

Or ok, even if this event was in the long tail, and a scheme like that somehow magically "worked", and you got a date and two divorces out of it, and they were smooth and painless (this is incredibly, *incredibly* hypothetical) - what kind of start to a relationship would that be? You'd be starting as a *fan*. Ask Katie Holmes how that worked out for her.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:29 AM on April 28, 2017 [8 favorites]


People who are really successful in the entertainment industry have a tendency to be very charismatic - that's a big part of what makes them really successful.

Seconded. Note that in your special electrical connection, they didn't ask for your contact information.

That's because they didn't WANT your contact information. That's because they're professional charmers.

You dodged a bullet.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 9:33 AM on April 28, 2017 [32 favorites]


Another thing that may help - you have one beautiful, simple, amazing moment of feeling which right now is making up 100% of the experience you have with this person.

This person poops. This person leaves their socks on the floor. This person has told at least one or two unfunny jokes. This person has say something rude to their mother. This person probably has at least a few weird and annoying food, sexual, or consumption preferences that clash with yours.

This person is human.
posted by stockpuppet at 9:37 AM on April 28, 2017 [7 favorites]


Nonononononono. No good will come from anything other than 3, letting the moment fade. Evaluate your current relationship. It either needs to be fixed to where a momentary spark with someone else only results in you thinking "aww, yeah... still got it!" and going back to your beloved partner or you terminating this relationship so you are open and available when you have a spark with someone *who is also available*.

That said... it is sooo hard to do the right thing when you are under this spell.... but it will pass.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 9:42 AM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


What you experienced was charisma. I've been told that Bill Clinton (as an example) also has this power--I dislike that dude, but I have heard this from multiple unrelated people who have met him in person. When he talks to anyone, the rest of the world falls away, eyes lock, he's so into you and you have such a connection with him. And then he moves on to the next person and does it again. It's a power. Entertainers and politicians are successful largely because of it. It's not bad or wrong or mean, it's just what they do. It makes people feel good and they literally get paid for this skill.

#3 is the only way to go here.
posted by soren_lorensen at 9:44 AM on April 28, 2017 [28 favorites]


You know how everyone tells men not to hit on waitresses, they have to be nice to you as part of their job? This celebrity being nice to you...that's his job.
posted by Jubey at 10:00 AM on April 28, 2017 [25 favorites]


#3 plus some introspection and/or work on your marriage, because of this:
Being happily married absolutely does NOT mean you don't get this kind of electric moment with other people occasionally... Your apparent willingness to play with this fire, though, might be a warning sign.
posted by salvia at 10:25 AM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


Don't be like that guy who thinks the barista or the stripper wants him because she smiled.

Why is your marriage an "oh, and"?

By all means, enjoy your moment, let it put a spring in your step, let it rock your fantasy life-- you're not ridiculous for feeling electrified! But know that the moment existed for you, and realistically, probably not for him.

Imagine all the women just like you who have this moment with him every day.

If your first hope of contacting him is a "fan letter," what does this tell you? If this was something special for him, something urgent the way it feels for you right now, he would have asked how he could reach you. (And then you'd know he was a cheater and you'd have to become one which might sound romantic and dramatic to you now but in reality is a sad slow dull unsatisfying painful mess.)
posted by kapers at 10:29 AM on April 28, 2017 [7 favorites]


I'm glad that you recognize that this is limerance. That's all it is, and it's the limerance itself telling you that there was more. And hey, be glad that it's limerance - otherwise you'd probably have some major soul-searching to do as you came to terms with the fact that you were the kind of person who thought that avoiding your own temporary sadness over not getting to be with a guy you thought was neat after talking for 3 minutes was more important than avoiding the sadness caused by breaking up two marriages.

Respect yourself and this dude (and your respective spouses) by going with Option 3. The other two truly are not even options.
posted by DingoMutt at 10:30 AM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


I think part of being an adult is being able to recognize the limerence for what it is (sometimes we even be able to talk out that recognition with the person for whom we've experienced it), and then wait for it to pass and make decisions only after we're back to a state where we can process it more rationally.

Back in January I had an experience that, like you, went straight past my rational thinking. We caught up a few days later on email, I said "hey, I really had a reaction, life is complicated, I want to wait until that reaction dies down."

And we did, waited a month or two before we talked again, and tomorrow we're taking a bike ride together (with the full knowledge of my wife), and we may find out that we have nothing beyond that fleeting chemistry, or we may find out that we'll be good friends. But it's very unlikely that we'll have a sexual relationship, because once the limerence wore off we could both see a gazillion reasons why that wasn't a good idea for either of us.

And I've been able to take what I've learned from that experience, and bring it into my relationship with my wife, and we've got some fun and interesting things to learn and play with.

So give it the few months 'til you're in NYC again, and in the mean time figure out how to use this newfound information about yourself in your main relationship, and maybe it'll turn into a friendship without the limerence, and maybe it won't.

Also, people in the entertainment industry (Or, really, any industry at a certain level)? Their entire job is being people who get that reaction. Take what you got from that experience and learn how to cultivate it in yourself...
posted by straw at 10:37 AM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


The fact you're returning to the city in a few months means nothing-- you say "orchestrating a meeting outside his workplace," I say "stalking." Don't ruin your marriage or your moment with stalky nonsense.
posted by kapers at 10:42 AM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


Charisma is a thing. The people noting that this is what he does for a living are on to something. But if it weren't just that, all judgment aside, these things happen. People—even married people—meet and feel magical connections sometimes. We're human. But when it's temporal like that, it's limerence. Limerence can become something else, or something else can accompany it, but you only talked a few minutes. It's limerence.

The thing is, you have to know that even if something did come out of those moments, or out of a single follow-up letter, even if you had a torrid correspondence for months, the likelihood of it turning into what you might be imagining in a way that prolongs that feeling or becomes something more is slim, not least of all because you don't live in the same place. So I just don't see this reaching that point. That covers your option Nos. 1 and 2.

When given the chance between chasing a dream and sticking with a less-than-stellar status quo, if it is less-than-stellar, I'd recommend at least thinking things out, if not chasing the dream for a time. Thinking about it is free, though dwelling on something can come with a cost. I'm so ask culture—I'm always open to questioning everything. Actually chasing dreams like this can be costly, though. And this dream isn't based on much of anything. When you chase this kind of thing and it doesn't work out, even—especially—when it does have a more significant basis, it will feel very, very bad. As countless answers to questions here would tell you, the odds are against this working out. The romantic in me hates that, wants to yell "Prove me wrong!" But it's true.

I try never to confuse "possible" and "probable"—it is certainly, in a long-odds sort of way, possible something could come out of it. Anything is possible. But is it probable? Ehhhh. Yeah no. And I say that as someone who's often willing to entertain the long shot, the improbable thing, and as someone who's experienced magical connections at various points in her life. Also, even if something came out of it, that something could very well be bad in itself. Magic is no guarantee of anything. This is just a spark. And even if it were a conflagration and were mutual, that feeling wouldn't guarantee you end up together. That sucks, right? But that's how it is.

More important than all of that, you don't say anything specific here about what your marriage is like, how long you and your spouse have been together, whether you're divorcing or something, etc. My advice might differ somewhat on the basis of that information. Barring any scenarios like that, I would not recommend pursuing this.

Again, I'm not judging the feelings this gave you. But taking that energy as an impetus for evaluating or changing things in your life might be the best course. You should think about what it means for your marriage that this had such an effect. Maybe you're still looking for something you don't have. Maybe that's justified. Maybe it isn't. That you've been considering doing something about this is indeed not something to take lightly. Start reading past AskMe questions about this and any related topics. There are so many. It will totally make you sad. But that's how it goes.

Things change. Things we think will last forever sometimes don't. Things we think will last for a day sometimes last much longer. But this specific thing you describe feels fleeting and not worth blowing up your life over. Be kind to yourself.
posted by limeonaire at 10:48 AM on April 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


I also wanted to add that I was in a LTR with a niche-famous musician and this shit happened all. the. time. He cheated on me constantly and with "fans" and I know many of his friends had the same behavior. I'm saying this because I think maybe the spark you felt actually was mutual but that doesn't mean this person thinks you are anything special, it may be just his personality to want to fuck any adoring fan that comes his way. I don't know if you've been cheated on but it is gutting. Don't be self-absorbed and don't kid yourself that he hasn't done this before.
posted by pintapicasso at 10:48 AM on April 28, 2017 [23 favorites]


This is his superpower and part of his job description. Lucky you, you got a free, one on one performance. Score! File it under "Cool Things That Have Happened To Me" and move on so you don't later have to file it under "What The Fuck Was I Thinking". Don't ask me how I know.
posted by BoscosMom at 11:13 AM on April 28, 2017 [26 favorites]


I was fairly on board with you having a bit of fantasising fun, until I saw the “I have a partner” bit just thrown in there in the end. I’m making an assumption you and your partner don’t have an open relationship so I would really recommend looking at what is happening within that relationship and considering if you’re currently happy with that person/that connection.

Because in my last fairly long-term relationship, in those 14 years I had maybe 2 crushes but I almost just….enjoyed them? And they died away and became a funny memory in my head.

It was the day that a charismatic person gave me electric jolts and I wanted to do something about that, that I ended the relationship some months later, after lots of soul searching. Me and Charismatic Person never got together, thank god. It was the wake up call I needed and I chose to leave. You need to examine your relationship and your choices and go with that. Maybe the MeFi mantra of some counselling?

Please don’t throw yourself after Charismatic Person – it ends so badly. Ask me how I know.
posted by mrmulliner at 11:41 AM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


sorry so yeah - #3 all the way. if it gets worse rather than better, limerence experienced on tribe.net (? I think - I can't access it for some reason from this computer) is very helpful but a bit trigger-y in this regard
posted by mrmulliner at 11:45 AM on April 28, 2017


Please remind yourself that people in the entertainment industry are charming for a living.

On more than one occaision I've been talking with a celebrity (and/or a person in the employ of celebrities) and witnessed these kind of interactions where someone walks up to say something and the person really turns it on, only to have them say as soon as the other guy leaves "god, I can't stand that jerk".

Not to say that your celebrity crush thinks that you are a jerk, but just that people in that industry never know where their next gig is going to come from, so they turn it on for everyone, as a matter of habit.

I'm sorry. I think you are better off enjoying the fantasy but not going any farther in trying to make it a reality.
posted by vignettist at 12:07 PM on April 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


When something like this happens to me (and it does), I enjoy the feeling for a bit, then go home and tell my husband, "So, I'm going to leave you for [limerence-inducing-person]. It's true." And husband of mine says, "Okay. Have a nice life." And then we both laugh and move on and then he'll rib me about it some time later, and I'll laugh and move on.

Part of my way of handling limerence is to be silly with the person in my reality. Limerence is tempting, but it's fleeting and it's seldom real though powerful. Consider it similar to the differences in the dark side and light side of the force. The dark side is tempting because it holds such great and immediate power, but the light side is more enriching, lasting, and ultimately makes one more powerful. Limerence is that to love. (Not saying that limerence can't lead to love, but I've found it seldom does. The stronger the limerence, the more spectacular the fireworks when it all explodes.)
posted by zizzle at 12:12 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


Another data point here that sometimes you just need to let the charismatic person and the moment/s you had with them go. I got sucked in by something very much like this and that person and my choices around them ended up really upending my life and causing a lot of terrible pain. He was the kind of person who made you feel like he was so interested in YOU and knowing YOU and being with YOU -- and turned out to be the kind of person who was just really good at pretending so that he could get what he really wanted which was always cruel.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 1:06 PM on April 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


Oh, and I’m married and so is he.

Congratulations. You have discovered that being married is not a shield against attraction. It is (generally speaking) an agreement not to act on the inevitable attraction. If you want to know "where this can go" the answer is: no place good for your marriage.

Stay all in or get out. It's pretty simple.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:32 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


Sometimes I feel attracted to someone and later realize that a part of the attraction was they had, or were doing, something I resonated with--something I didn't have. It can be a job, a way of thinking, a hobby, an experience, an interpersonal skills thing. The first time that happened, the relationship faded away and I was left with the insights from the person's career and vision, and I've held those so much closer than the memory of the person. They have more staying power.

I'd consider whether there are some distinct pieces to your experience and what they can teach you, so you can be ready to move forward in an ethical and powerful way no matter what happens. Physical attraction might have been part of it by no means all of it. For example, if you realize you are really into his authority and skill in the niche field, maybe that's a sign that YOU actually want those things and have the capability to build them up. Maybe you simply crave more recognition than you're getting. Maybe you need more love and for someone to see you uniquely. Maybe you need more serendipity in your life.

It's not impossible that, having clarified what about this was so compelling, you'd find it helpful to engage with this person in pursuit of your own goals. Maybe you'd do an informational interview with him to find out more about his field. But I wouldn't necessarily leave your partner or cheat on your partner to explore whatever the myriad things were that made this moment so good for you. Do that on your own. If you connect with the guy, do it in a direct way, from a place of good moral standing, and after some time has gone by. I choose option 3 (or option 1 if you, down the road, are truly in a place to send a letter as a fan and not be looking for more sparks).
posted by ramenopres at 1:58 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


It's possible to have intense and immediate sexual chemistry with someone other than who you're married to. But, if you're married and in a monogamous relationship, your pledge is to NOT ACT ON IT. This can be a bit of mind candy, but don't make candy your whole diet. So, #3 is your answer. I think you know this.
posted by quince at 3:06 PM on April 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


Yet another data point that turning on the charm is a real thing. I have been totally magnetized by celebrities I have interviewed despite being totally physically unattracted to them. I have really clicked in interviews, too, with non-famous simpatico people and thought about them long after very fondly. Human connection is magic. Some people are magicians. Go on a date with your husband.
posted by athirstforsalt at 3:15 PM on April 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


I met a relatively famous television actor once. It was at a meet-and-greet style event, so the meeting was no accident, and I was one of many, many people who got their ten seconds to chat with him and get a picture taken.

When my ten seconds came, I walked up to him, our eyes met, he smiled at me, and BLAMMO. Every silly, trite, the-whole-world-falls-away-and-it's-this-magical-moment thing happened. I can't even describe it without resorting to trite metaphors: I felt genuinely out of breath. I couldn't hear the chatter of the rest of the people waiting their turn over the roar of my own blood in my ears. His eyes and his smile and his whole being were like a tractor tugging on my every atom and I felt like I was physically pulled toward him. My knees were actually weak.

When my ten seconds were over, I staggered away and another person approached him. When I'd recovered enough to be a little analytical, I could see in their bodies the moment when his charisma hooked them. People swayed, stammered, blushed, fidgeted. They moved on when their time was up, and it happened the same way with the next person. Lather, rinse, repeat.

He remembers, I'm sure, not one single thing about any of us individually. He was doing his job, using his charismatic gifts to make us feel special so we would keep watching him on the teevee. But he didn't feel anything like what we felt. He felt like he was at work, because he was. He was probably thinking about his grocery list or how his laundry was piling up or something equally banal.

Enjoy the frission of limerance. It floods your brain with all sorts of feel-good dopamine. Use it to exercise more, fantasize more, masturbate more, have sex with your spouse more, and just enjoy the rush. It will fade eventually, and once it does I'm certain you will be very, very glad you didn't do anything to jeopardize your marriage.
posted by jesourie at 6:46 PM on April 28, 2017 [14 favorites]


Even those in happy marriages can be hit by this. When I've gotten stuck in limerance, I've shared it with my spouse: "man, I've had a huge crush on Celebrity since I ran into him in NY". The tone is amused and self-depricating. It accomplishes two things for me: 1) saying it out loud often dims the brightness of the crush a bit and 2) it brings the crush into the sphere of influence of the relationship, rather than existing outside of it. Put the faith in your relationship if it's generally a good one.
posted by Tentacle of Trust at 9:39 PM on April 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


Have a wank and a shot of Gordon's, you'll be all right.
posted by turbid dahlia at 10:03 PM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]


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