Porn style sex- dealbreaker?
April 27, 2017 1:49 PM Subscribe
What are signs a man is too into born? A guy I had been seeing asked me to get a brazillian and after 7 dates wherein he was affectionate, kind, and attentive, we made it to the bedroom....and it was HORRIBLE--right out of a porn film, no tenderness (except after during sleep), lack of eye contact, he wanted to orgasm in weird places (my face, my stomach). Prob worst sexual experience of my life!
Am in shock because I haven't dealt with this before--even with guys who didn't see me as a GF (and this guy wanted me to be his GF), there was tenderness.
Can this be salvaged or should I pull the plug now after two months of dating?
I can't imagine anything about the dude being so redeeming after two months and seven dates that you'd want to really put in the time and effort to try to deprogram him from what he thinks sex is supposed to be like.
posted by griphus at 1:59 PM on April 27, 2017 [15 favorites]
posted by griphus at 1:59 PM on April 27, 2017 [15 favorites]
ABORT.
I don't know you and yet I still know that you do not have time for this.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 2:03 PM on April 27, 2017 [21 favorites]
I don't know you and yet I still know that you do not have time for this.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 2:03 PM on April 27, 2017 [21 favorites]
He asked you to wax for him before you'd even gone to bed together???
posted by praemunire at 2:03 PM on April 27, 2017 [106 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 2:03 PM on April 27, 2017 [106 favorites]
Since pulling the plug is a viable solution, I honestly would just say to put your cards on the table and be honest about the fact that it was terrible, and exactly why. You certainly don't have to see him again, much less have sex again, but at least it would inform him that his porn style is not winning him any fans in real life, and maybe inspire him to correct his performance for the next person.
posted by Autumnheart at 2:05 PM on April 27, 2017 [26 favorites]
posted by Autumnheart at 2:05 PM on April 27, 2017 [26 favorites]
The other thing to know is that the bedroom behavior is the real him, and the kindness and tenderness the rest of the time is the front. If you were hoping that you could somehow pull that lovely tenderness over into the bedroom like a blanket, that's not going to happen.
posted by nohattip at 2:06 PM on April 27, 2017 [36 favorites]
posted by nohattip at 2:06 PM on April 27, 2017 [36 favorites]
RUN. He needs a lot of work to normalize how he interacts with a woman so that he's not using her as a porny masturbation device, but you don't need to hand-hold him through that work. Be sure to be clear about why you're ending things. Sorry that you had this experience. It sounds absolutely horrible.
posted by quince at 2:08 PM on April 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by quince at 2:08 PM on April 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
I would be afraid to tell someone like that why were are breaking up.
posted by jbenben at 2:16 PM on April 27, 2017 [45 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 2:16 PM on April 27, 2017 [45 favorites]
If you like him otherwise, it's worth suggesting you try it differently? People can learn to behave differently.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:20 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Sebmojo at 2:20 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
Either:
-He knows this is not how he should act in a bedroom and he did this anyway, in which case he is an asshole, or
-He actually, somehow, does not know this isn't how he should act in a bedroom, despite being alive, on Earth for at least a decent portion of a couple decades (and exposed to TV and Movies where people clearly do not act like this in the bedroom), in which case he is too stupid to live.
YOU DO NOT WANT TO DATE EITHER OF THESE GUYS
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 2:30 PM on April 27, 2017 [84 favorites]
-He knows this is not how he should act in a bedroom and he did this anyway, in which case he is an asshole, or
-He actually, somehow, does not know this isn't how he should act in a bedroom, despite being alive, on Earth for at least a decent portion of a couple decades (and exposed to TV and Movies where people clearly do not act like this in the bedroom), in which case he is too stupid to live.
YOU DO NOT WANT TO DATE EITHER OF THESE GUYS
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 2:30 PM on April 27, 2017 [84 favorites]
It is not your obligation to fix this for him. Any reasonably smart person with electricity and internet access has the means to do better than that, which means he doesn't want to. He doesn't care if you have preferences of your own.
That's a bad person. It's not really the things he did/wanted to do, but that he doesn't care. Can he evolve? It's within his power, but it has to be entirely under his own steam.
You could tell him, but I would certainly not do so alone with him, because there's no way to tell the difference between incredible self-absorption and psychopathy.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:32 PM on April 27, 2017 [9 favorites]
That's a bad person. It's not really the things he did/wanted to do, but that he doesn't care. Can he evolve? It's within his power, but it has to be entirely under his own steam.
You could tell him, but I would certainly not do so alone with him, because there's no way to tell the difference between incredible self-absorption and psychopathy.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:32 PM on April 27, 2017 [9 favorites]
I wouldn't assume that he behavior in the bedroom is "the real him." We're all exposed to a lot of unfortunate messages about sex and some people behave like this because they're nervous and it helps them feel in control and less vulnerable.
If you like him enough to want to give him another try, flat-out tell him that you like completely different things in bed and ask him if he's interested in working on that. But expect big changes immediately; don't invest too much time in it if he doesn't turn around quickly.
I personally wouldn't be into someone who felt that women should have Brazilians or who felt that they have the right to tell a new partner how to groom. But if you're really into him, it's possible that this too is something that could be deprogrammed.
posted by metasarah at 2:36 PM on April 27, 2017 [11 favorites]
If you like him enough to want to give him another try, flat-out tell him that you like completely different things in bed and ask him if he's interested in working on that. But expect big changes immediately; don't invest too much time in it if he doesn't turn around quickly.
I personally wouldn't be into someone who felt that women should have Brazilians or who felt that they have the right to tell a new partner how to groom. But if you're really into him, it's possible that this too is something that could be deprogrammed.
posted by metasarah at 2:36 PM on April 27, 2017 [11 favorites]
I would say, "bye boy"
posted by fairlynearlyready at 2:41 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by fairlynearlyready at 2:41 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
RUN AWAY. He isn't treating you like a human being, which is so far below minimum relationship standards that I cannot say DTMFA loud enough.
It isn't your job to deal with this or to try to rehabilitate this fuckface. Just leave. As stated above, there is no reason for this type of behavior that makes it worth sticking with. Even if he's capable of change, the fact that the sex was ever like this is more than grounds for not continuing.
also: I share the opinion that you should do this breakup in public and maybe change your locks. Dudes be crazy (read: shitty and violent)
posted by sazerac at 2:41 PM on April 27, 2017 [12 favorites]
It isn't your job to deal with this or to try to rehabilitate this fuckface. Just leave. As stated above, there is no reason for this type of behavior that makes it worth sticking with. Even if he's capable of change, the fact that the sex was ever like this is more than grounds for not continuing.
also: I share the opinion that you should do this breakup in public and maybe change your locks. Dudes be crazy (read: shitty and violent)
posted by sazerac at 2:41 PM on April 27, 2017 [12 favorites]
How old is this person? Is he a nineteen year old boy, or an actual grown man who's maybe in his thirties who can't handle his girlfriend not looking like a porn star (ie having pubic hair at all)? If he is very young there could be some maturing and self-awareness coming in the future, but if you're talking about an adult like this, I think the tenderness is an act to get what he wants, and this is who he is.
I don't think it's worth dating people who you need to "deprogram" especially when there are literally tons of other guys out there who aren not like this guy. He can pay a therapist to deprogram him one day, if he wants. It's not your job or his future girlfriend's job to teach him to treat women as human beings.
If you want to give him some critical advice on your way out, feel free, but if you don't feel comfortable doing that (or can't face the awkwardness of it) you are totally free to bail and give a vague "no thanks" breakup line if you want. I give you permission. Two months is not a long time. Break up in a public place, or over the phone while safely by yourself at home, etc.
posted by zdravo at 2:45 PM on April 27, 2017 [6 favorites]
I don't think it's worth dating people who you need to "deprogram" especially when there are literally tons of other guys out there who aren not like this guy. He can pay a therapist to deprogram him one day, if he wants. It's not your job or his future girlfriend's job to teach him to treat women as human beings.
If you want to give him some critical advice on your way out, feel free, but if you don't feel comfortable doing that (or can't face the awkwardness of it) you are totally free to bail and give a vague "no thanks" breakup line if you want. I give you permission. Two months is not a long time. Break up in a public place, or over the phone while safely by yourself at home, etc.
posted by zdravo at 2:45 PM on April 27, 2017 [6 favorites]
Not worth it. Red flag city. Get gone.
posted by Miko at 3:05 PM on April 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by Miko at 3:05 PM on April 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
GROSS.
Here's the thing - let's take the huge assumption that he doesn't have really sexist attitudes, and maybe his kink is sex that acts like porn.
If that's the case, he 1) doesn't want to talk about what he likes, what you like, and come to an agreement and 2) that means your sexual needs are incompatible. That's an excellent reason to break up.
Either that, or he has really sexist beliefs and that's an excellent reason to break up.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 3:17 PM on April 27, 2017 [11 favorites]
Here's the thing - let's take the huge assumption that he doesn't have really sexist attitudes, and maybe his kink is sex that acts like porn.
If that's the case, he 1) doesn't want to talk about what he likes, what you like, and come to an agreement and 2) that means your sexual needs are incompatible. That's an excellent reason to break up.
Either that, or he has really sexist beliefs and that's an excellent reason to break up.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 3:17 PM on April 27, 2017 [11 favorites]
Well, let's see. Is he proposing to pay you, say, a $500/hr personal coaching rate, which would obligate you to coach him in this very fundamental way? Yes? Great, coach him and get that money. No? Why would you do that work for free?
(Also: these guys cannot actually be deprogrammed, certainly not by a real woman who criticizes them.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:18 PM on April 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
(Also: these guys cannot actually be deprogrammed, certainly not by a real woman who criticizes them.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:18 PM on April 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
I feel violated just reading this...please listen to your heart, it's not a good situation.
posted by irish01 at 3:23 PM on April 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by irish01 at 3:23 PM on April 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
he wanted to (...)
don't know if he took no for an answer and refrained or if you were afraid to say no because he might have ignored you and done it anyway, or if you did say no and he did do it anyway.
If you can be bothered to contact him one last time to tell him to go to hell and tell him why, it might be cathartic. but the latter two possibilities mean: never be alone with him ever again, never answer his calls, burn anything he's ever touched just in case it makes you feel better.
All my instincts tell me to tell you that you don't ever have to go along with this, no matter what a man demands or seems to expect, but I realize that does no good when you're in the moment and you don't know what a horrible man may do in response if you laugh at his sheer gall and tell him to get the fuck out. It is hard to know what to do when someone violates ordinary social behavior so comprehensively, especially when it has never happened before, but you do not ever have to finish what you started when sex takes such a turn for the horrible, or wait for it to be over. again, I don't mean you should have stopped, or should have anything. only that you are entitled to, always.
I am anti-contemporary-live-action-filmed-porn for the most part, for various reasons, but plenty of men and women who have no ethical qualms about it are still able to understand that having real sex is different from private video daydreaming in that there are two people involved, and one of them is not yourself. Porn has problems and porn creates problems, but it is not an excuse or explanation for this.
posted by queenofbithynia at 3:23 PM on April 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
don't know if he took no for an answer and refrained or if you were afraid to say no because he might have ignored you and done it anyway, or if you did say no and he did do it anyway.
If you can be bothered to contact him one last time to tell him to go to hell and tell him why, it might be cathartic. but the latter two possibilities mean: never be alone with him ever again, never answer his calls, burn anything he's ever touched just in case it makes you feel better.
All my instincts tell me to tell you that you don't ever have to go along with this, no matter what a man demands or seems to expect, but I realize that does no good when you're in the moment and you don't know what a horrible man may do in response if you laugh at his sheer gall and tell him to get the fuck out. It is hard to know what to do when someone violates ordinary social behavior so comprehensively, especially when it has never happened before, but you do not ever have to finish what you started when sex takes such a turn for the horrible, or wait for it to be over. again, I don't mean you should have stopped, or should have anything. only that you are entitled to, always.
I am anti-contemporary-live-action-filmed-porn for the most part, for various reasons, but plenty of men and women who have no ethical qualms about it are still able to understand that having real sex is different from private video daydreaming in that there are two people involved, and one of them is not yourself. Porn has problems and porn creates problems, but it is not an excuse or explanation for this.
posted by queenofbithynia at 3:23 PM on April 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
You got yourself a sexual sadist. get out of that relationship now before he really physically hurts you. He is already emotionally hurting you and does not care. It can only get worse.
posted by mermayd at 3:27 PM on April 27, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by mermayd at 3:27 PM on April 27, 2017 [6 favorites]
It's not that these behaviors are inherently wrong, it's that he didn't discuss them with you beforehand. If that's the way he is right out of the gate, I highly doubt he has a tender side to him. Move on.
posted by blackzinfandel at 3:46 PM on April 27, 2017 [17 favorites]
posted by blackzinfandel at 3:46 PM on April 27, 2017 [17 favorites]
"No tenderness". There's your marker right there. Run. (I'm a guy, by the way, and your story makes me feel sick)
posted by tillsbury at 3:52 PM on April 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by tillsbury at 3:52 PM on April 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
People can definitely have conversations about grooming, and whether a partner might be up for trying something. That's not outside the realm of normal. What isn't right is that a Brazilian is this guy's first and immediate demand before your first time together. For future reference, that's a red flag and you should proceed with extreme caution and suspicion.
Do not accept other people's demands upon your body before they find you satisfactory.
posted by erratic meatsack at 3:58 PM on April 27, 2017 [25 favorites]
Do not accept other people's demands upon your body before they find you satisfactory.
posted by erratic meatsack at 3:58 PM on April 27, 2017 [25 favorites]
Break up. The porn stuff like coming on your face etc is a kink, and springing your kinks on people nonconsensually is bad news. Some people like waxing and facials and that's fine, but it's no more OK to throw that into your first sexual experience with someone than it would to suddenly start to tie them up or spank or slap them without permission and consent. The fact that he went cold and didn't pay attention to you not being into it is scary. Two months of dating is nothing. Leave this guy.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 4:13 PM on April 27, 2017 [22 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 4:13 PM on April 27, 2017 [22 favorites]
The absolute most charitable way you can look at this is that you and he are into very, very different things. That's still a valid reason to stop seeing someone.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:16 PM on April 27, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:16 PM on April 27, 2017 [6 favorites]
Best answer: If you really like him, this is maybe worth ONE conversation, about how the "relationship" part of your relationship doesn't end when you enter the bedroom, and you expect him to be just as aware of your interests and needs there as he is elsewhere.
If he finds this an odious task, or thinks that "relationship" means "girl gets sweet talk and dinners and cuddling in public; boy gets rough kinky whatever-he-wants in private," then it's boy-bye time.
If you suspect the conversation wouldn't go well - that he'd complain that "girls are always trying to control guys," or that he has "real needs," or that he's an "awesome lover; nobody's ever had any complaints *insert smirk*," you are certainly not obligated to give him that one chance. If you feel safe, you can say (very bold) I didn't like the sex or (more diplomatic) I don't think we have good chemistry; if you feel less safe, you can dodge him for a while, tell him you're not up to a date "right now," and eventually say you're not feeling a connection.
As others have mentioned, there's two options here: One, he's an egotistical jerk, unsalvageable; two, that he's been conditioned to think that sex is How He's Supposed To Get Off and that you stop being a person once you're naked.
You are absolutely not required to take on the burden of unconditioning him, which takes, among other things, his enthusiastic support. He has to *want* to be different for that to change. You may consider finding out if he has that want; if he doesn't, this is not a relationship you want to be in a year from now.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 5:06 PM on April 27, 2017 [9 favorites]
If he finds this an odious task, or thinks that "relationship" means "girl gets sweet talk and dinners and cuddling in public; boy gets rough kinky whatever-he-wants in private," then it's boy-bye time.
If you suspect the conversation wouldn't go well - that he'd complain that "girls are always trying to control guys," or that he has "real needs," or that he's an "awesome lover; nobody's ever had any complaints *insert smirk*," you are certainly not obligated to give him that one chance. If you feel safe, you can say (very bold) I didn't like the sex or (more diplomatic) I don't think we have good chemistry; if you feel less safe, you can dodge him for a while, tell him you're not up to a date "right now," and eventually say you're not feeling a connection.
As others have mentioned, there's two options here: One, he's an egotistical jerk, unsalvageable; two, that he's been conditioned to think that sex is How He's Supposed To Get Off and that you stop being a person once you're naked.
You are absolutely not required to take on the burden of unconditioning him, which takes, among other things, his enthusiastic support. He has to *want* to be different for that to change. You may consider finding out if he has that want; if he doesn't, this is not a relationship you want to be in a year from now.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 5:06 PM on April 27, 2017 [9 favorites]
this sounds awful and I am really sorry you had to experience it.
posted by elke_wood at 5:20 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by elke_wood at 5:20 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
Oh dear, how disappointing.
I think this was a test and you passed. Now he can really get creepy. If this was him putting his best foot forward imagine 6 months down the road.
Chalk it up under lessons learned and move on.
I know it's hard to give up on someone who seemed so promising but that was just bait, don't keep going back for nibbles till you get the hook stuck in your cheek. Swim away.
posted by BoscosMom at 5:32 PM on April 27, 2017 [12 favorites]
I think this was a test and you passed. Now he can really get creepy. If this was him putting his best foot forward imagine 6 months down the road.
Chalk it up under lessons learned and move on.
I know it's hard to give up on someone who seemed so promising but that was just bait, don't keep going back for nibbles till you get the hook stuck in your cheek. Swim away.
posted by BoscosMom at 5:32 PM on April 27, 2017 [12 favorites]
Dude here. This sort of stuff is fine once in a while as a kind of consensual roleplay thing when you're deep in a committed, loving, understanding relationship. But this? I'd recommend pulling the plug so fast and so hard that the water takes an hour to realise it needs to start draining.
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:42 PM on April 27, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:42 PM on April 27, 2017 [11 favorites]
Run.
posted by schadenfrau at 5:43 PM on April 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by schadenfrau at 5:43 PM on April 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
It sounds like you were pretty blindsided about what happened, and I'm sorry you went through this.
I do want to agree with blackzinfandel, though, that it's not inherently that this style of sex is wrong or "weird"--a lot of people are into what you described. The main issue I see with this is that it doesn't sound like it was discussed at all, once, in seven dates. I strongly believe discussion about sex and what you do/don't like should be communicated before you make it to the bedroom for the first time, regardless of how vanilla or kink the relationship is. (And then continue that communication later!)
You both obviously have very different ideas of what sex should be like, and frankly you sound fundamentally incompatible in this area. Don't waste your time; go find someone you enjoy having sex with. Go find someone you want to talk about sex with.
posted by lesser weasel at 5:44 PM on April 27, 2017 [14 favorites]
I do want to agree with blackzinfandel, though, that it's not inherently that this style of sex is wrong or "weird"--a lot of people are into what you described. The main issue I see with this is that it doesn't sound like it was discussed at all, once, in seven dates. I strongly believe discussion about sex and what you do/don't like should be communicated before you make it to the bedroom for the first time, regardless of how vanilla or kink the relationship is. (And then continue that communication later!)
You both obviously have very different ideas of what sex should be like, and frankly you sound fundamentally incompatible in this area. Don't waste your time; go find someone you enjoy having sex with. Go find someone you want to talk about sex with.
posted by lesser weasel at 5:44 PM on April 27, 2017 [14 favorites]
I guess I'm just not getting the creep/danger vibe off of this, just the vibe of a dude who gets 99.9% of his sexual information from porn and doesn't know better. Which is not to say that it is, AT ALL, her job to even so much as tell him that he sucks in bed and that life isn't a porn video, but I feel like, unless there's reason to believe otherwise, that this is just a dude who thinks porn is real and that doing those things actually gets women off. I don't see why this is anything besides garden-variety terrible sex. Okay, maybe "episode of Sex and the City" comic-level terrible sex.
posted by Autumnheart at 5:50 PM on April 27, 2017 [13 favorites]
posted by Autumnheart at 5:50 PM on April 27, 2017 [13 favorites]
To the idea that you could rehabilitate him, or extend him understanding because society and insecurity and all: did he extend you any consideration when he decided to treat you like a masturbation aid? Why should it be on you to help this ass be more human, when he's the one who chose to treat you a non-human? Why would you want to be with someone who would do that to you even once?
Please tell yourself you deserve better, and then do what you need to do to believe and act upon that sentiment.
posted by DingoMutt at 5:55 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
Please tell yourself you deserve better, and then do what you need to do to believe and act upon that sentiment.
posted by DingoMutt at 5:55 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
I could maybe understand this if he was a 17 year-old boy attemping to have sex for the first time, and had no sexual experience outside of porn. Even then, it would be awful, and worthy of a slap upside the head.
From a grown man? No. This guy is an asshole of the highest order. He has obtained a PhD in Dickishness from the University of Fuckwittery. It is not even remotely plausible that he thought he was being a good and giving lover. He was being a selfish asshole, doing what he wanted without consideration for your wants or needs, and he knew it. Even if he could be changed, he is not worth changing. Tell him to straight to hell, and go find yourself a decent human being to sleep with.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:05 PM on April 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
From a grown man? No. This guy is an asshole of the highest order. He has obtained a PhD in Dickishness from the University of Fuckwittery. It is not even remotely plausible that he thought he was being a good and giving lover. He was being a selfish asshole, doing what he wanted without consideration for your wants or needs, and he knew it. Even if he could be changed, he is not worth changing. Tell him to straight to hell, and go find yourself a decent human being to sleep with.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:05 PM on April 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
I want to favorite BoscosMom like a million times. I dated a guy like this and the first thing was he didn't want to get tested. Then he didn't want to have sex with a condom. Then he would be verbally abusive and the "tenderness" and everything else was out the window so fast I had whiplash. He was a nice, sweet, honest and cool guy. Until he wasn't. And it didn't take long for that to happen.
Thankfully, I extricated myself out of that, but not until after I spent thousands of dollars and so much pain and heartache to get away from all that. Do yourself a favor, save yourself the time and move on. This guy sucks. Not worth it. Also, the guy I was seeing acted all sweet in the beginning and once we started having sex, he rarely performed oral but expected it. Rarely gave massages but asked for them nightly. And turned me down for sex almost every single time.
If we did have sex it was less than once a month and if he wanted to. If I said no, which I only did once or twice, he would get angry. And whenever he came that was it. Didn't matter if I did or not. Then would tell me "oh tomorrow I'll take care of you". Tomorrow never came. Pun intended, unfortunately. I think I had an orgasm all of maybe, 3 times the entire relationship. And it was jackhammer sex most of the time, and if I came, he would keep going. Please do yourself a favor and block this guy so fast and pat yourself on the back for recognizing the red flags and listening to them.
posted by lunastellasol at 6:10 PM on April 27, 2017 [12 favorites]
Thankfully, I extricated myself out of that, but not until after I spent thousands of dollars and so much pain and heartache to get away from all that. Do yourself a favor, save yourself the time and move on. This guy sucks. Not worth it. Also, the guy I was seeing acted all sweet in the beginning and once we started having sex, he rarely performed oral but expected it. Rarely gave massages but asked for them nightly. And turned me down for sex almost every single time.
If we did have sex it was less than once a month and if he wanted to. If I said no, which I only did once or twice, he would get angry. And whenever he came that was it. Didn't matter if I did or not. Then would tell me "oh tomorrow I'll take care of you". Tomorrow never came. Pun intended, unfortunately. I think I had an orgasm all of maybe, 3 times the entire relationship. And it was jackhammer sex most of the time, and if I came, he would keep going. Please do yourself a favor and block this guy so fast and pat yourself on the back for recognizing the red flags and listening to them.
posted by lunastellasol at 6:10 PM on April 27, 2017 [12 favorites]
I see another side to this: discussing what is and isn't acceptable sex stuff pre-sex AND speaking up in bed when things are going against your wishes are crucial to good sex for both parties. Now, the potential is this uncouth dude went barreling into the porny positions and jizz locations because it's been a long time and he's had his hand as batterfodder for too long OR no one has ever told him "Hey buddy, this isn't getting me hot and is actually turning me off.". Not up to you to fix him but there could be an element of "Well, maybe he's just clueless." I've known men who had been recently divorced who bumrushed into the dating world full of all this pornified sexing imagery and learned really quick that the things they'd dreamed about required a whole lot of discussion before getting down to the nitty gritty.
Now, there's also the whole maybe he's a huge jerk but I'd like to think the Signs and Red Flags were there at the beginning. You'd know, even on a gut level, even if it was the base level "Guy asked me to clear off my pubic area to a very specific level and... that's not my normal bag... why?!" and get the ball rolling on why I did that for a dude I dated for two months and look at maybe how to talk about requests and pressuring and so on before sex.
Also, it seems that a particular history for you has seemingly developed and not been appropriately addressed and keeps perpetuating itself to some degree? I have only taken a cursory view over previous questions you have asked in the past and there's a tenuous thread in them.
posted by missh at 6:11 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
Now, there's also the whole maybe he's a huge jerk but I'd like to think the Signs and Red Flags were there at the beginning. You'd know, even on a gut level, even if it was the base level "Guy asked me to clear off my pubic area to a very specific level and... that's not my normal bag... why?!" and get the ball rolling on why I did that for a dude I dated for two months and look at maybe how to talk about requests and pressuring and so on before sex.
Also, it seems that a particular history for you has seemingly developed and not been appropriately addressed and keeps perpetuating itself to some degree? I have only taken a cursory view over previous questions you have asked in the past and there's a tenuous thread in them.
posted by missh at 6:11 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
garden-variety terrible sex.
garden-variety terrible sex is sex where maybe there isn't much passion to start with and you get bored halfway through and start thinking about your tax returns and if it's really bad maybe you don't even come.
this, though? an event where a man has sex at you, not with you, as though you are an object he emphatically does not like and as though your participation and enjoyment is of no consequence, that's something else. It shouldn't be normal (although I know that for many people it is) and it shouldn't be normalized. an acceptable human being doesn't do that shit unless someone requests it.
some people have described this as a "kink" or an "incompatibility" or even "cluelessness." I don't remember the last time I read a question from a guy who was uncertain about whether his date kicking him hard in the balls was a bad sign, and being explained-to about how plenty of guys are into CBT and the woman's only mistake was in assuming he'd get off on it without checking first. that's funny, that there aren't a lot of stories like that. funny that with all the clumsy and ignorant women in the world, which god knows there are, and all the male-submissive erotica in the world, that isn't the way things tend to go down. funny.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:19 PM on April 27, 2017 [70 favorites]
garden-variety terrible sex is sex where maybe there isn't much passion to start with and you get bored halfway through and start thinking about your tax returns and if it's really bad maybe you don't even come.
this, though? an event where a man has sex at you, not with you, as though you are an object he emphatically does not like and as though your participation and enjoyment is of no consequence, that's something else. It shouldn't be normal (although I know that for many people it is) and it shouldn't be normalized. an acceptable human being doesn't do that shit unless someone requests it.
some people have described this as a "kink" or an "incompatibility" or even "cluelessness." I don't remember the last time I read a question from a guy who was uncertain about whether his date kicking him hard in the balls was a bad sign, and being explained-to about how plenty of guys are into CBT and the woman's only mistake was in assuming he'd get off on it without checking first. that's funny, that there aren't a lot of stories like that. funny that with all the clumsy and ignorant women in the world, which god knows there are, and all the male-submissive erotica in the world, that isn't the way things tend to go down. funny.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:19 PM on April 27, 2017 [70 favorites]
Oh, hell no. End it.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 6:35 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 6:35 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
I call bullshit on the idea that maybe he's just cluelessly come to believe sex should be a certain way because that's what he's seen in porn. Does he also enjoy dumb comedy movies, and does he therefore treat Adam Sandler's wacky hyjinks as a valid blueprint for his life?
Unless this dude has some actual disorder that prevents him from distinguishing between fantasy and reality, I just don't buy that he or other men like him truly believe that real, live women want to be treated the way women in his porn are presented. He treats you this way because that's what HE wants, end of story.
I mean ... I grew up on a steady damn diet of fantasy novels and movies, and have read, listened to, and watched Game of Thrones way more times than anybody really should. Somehow, though, I've managed to avoid cutting off anybody's head, hand, or other assorted bits (to date).
posted by DingoMutt at 6:36 PM on April 27, 2017 [11 favorites]
Unless this dude has some actual disorder that prevents him from distinguishing between fantasy and reality, I just don't buy that he or other men like him truly believe that real, live women want to be treated the way women in his porn are presented. He treats you this way because that's what HE wants, end of story.
I mean ... I grew up on a steady damn diet of fantasy novels and movies, and have read, listened to, and watched Game of Thrones way more times than anybody really should. Somehow, though, I've managed to avoid cutting off anybody's head, hand, or other assorted bits (to date).
posted by DingoMutt at 6:36 PM on April 27, 2017 [11 favorites]
First, tell him that you'd like it if he also got a Brazilian. Give him the name of a place, make the appointment for him! After he's done that, ghost.
posted by amanda at 6:40 PM on April 27, 2017 [24 favorites]
posted by amanda at 6:40 PM on April 27, 2017 [24 favorites]
this, though? an event where a man has sex at you, not with you, as though you are an object he emphatically does not like and as though your participation and enjoyment is of no consequence, that's something else.
Yeah, it's the way someone has sex when all his sex ed comes from porn. That's exactly how sex is portrayed in porn. And when a dude tries to imitate porn stuff in real life, that's how you it's where he gets all his information. It doesn't mean he's being malicious, it just means he's a fucking idiot (pun intended).
I mean I dunno. I haven't been around the block very many times, but I've still run into multiple dudes who a) thought that acts in porn were true in real life and/or b) somehow performed identical sexual routines as though they'd all read the same manual, and who didn't listen, or want to listen, to suggestions that they change it up. That made them selfish and bad lovers. It didn't make them abusive.
I call bullshit on the idea that maybe he's just been taught to believe sex should be a certain way because that's what he's seen in porn.
Where the hell have you been? These dudes are *everywhere*. They are a veritable plague.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:41 PM on April 27, 2017 [13 favorites]
Yeah, it's the way someone has sex when all his sex ed comes from porn. That's exactly how sex is portrayed in porn. And when a dude tries to imitate porn stuff in real life, that's how you it's where he gets all his information. It doesn't mean he's being malicious, it just means he's a fucking idiot (pun intended).
I mean I dunno. I haven't been around the block very many times, but I've still run into multiple dudes who a) thought that acts in porn were true in real life and/or b) somehow performed identical sexual routines as though they'd all read the same manual, and who didn't listen, or want to listen, to suggestions that they change it up. That made them selfish and bad lovers. It didn't make them abusive.
I call bullshit on the idea that maybe he's just been taught to believe sex should be a certain way because that's what he's seen in porn.
Where the hell have you been? These dudes are *everywhere*. They are a veritable plague.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:41 PM on April 27, 2017 [13 favorites]
DTMFA. Ditch him now, right this very minute. At the seven dates/two months point, he should still be on his best behavior --- and if this is his best, you most emphatically do not want to stick around to see how bad things will get. You owe him nothing; please save yourself and run, run, run.
posted by easily confused at 6:45 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by easily confused at 6:45 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
I call bullshit on the idea that maybe he's just been taught to believe sex should be a certain way because that's what he's seen in porn.
Where the hell have you been? These dudes are *everywhere*. They are a veritable plague.
Well, that's my point - they're excused as clueless, as having just been "taught" to believe what they see in porn, but I really can't think of another genre(?) where people treating other people as less than human is explained away like that. Generally we're all expected to be capable of distinguishing between reality and entertainment, but for some reason dudes watching porn get a pass. I don't buy that it's mere innocent cluelessness, when an alternative possible explanation is that they just don't give a shit what the woman wants.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:47 PM on April 27, 2017 [22 favorites]
Where the hell have you been? These dudes are *everywhere*. They are a veritable plague.
Well, that's my point - they're excused as clueless, as having just been "taught" to believe what they see in porn, but I really can't think of another genre(?) where people treating other people as less than human is explained away like that. Generally we're all expected to be capable of distinguishing between reality and entertainment, but for some reason dudes watching porn get a pass. I don't buy that it's mere innocent cluelessness, when an alternative possible explanation is that they just don't give a shit what the woman wants.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:47 PM on April 27, 2017 [22 favorites]
Was it his first time ever?
posted by ctmf at 7:11 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by ctmf at 7:11 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
That's exactly how sex is portrayed in porn.
I'm not going to list the amount and variety of sexual material I have read and seen over the years because you don't want to know and I don't want to say. but I have never in my life just started doing something to someone because I'd seen or heard about it, without asking, no matter how much fun I thought it would be. you just... you just don't do that. Especially because lots of what I enjoy is written by women, for women, and why would I assume a man would want in real life what imaginary men want in fanciful naughty books? he might, but I'd have to ask.
Most men not in the grips of serious delusion know that mainstream pornography is, to an overwhelming degree, designed, choreographed, and produced by men for the consumption and pleasure of other men, and that even when women watch it and like it, it has not been knowingly designed to please them. Most men who are deeply into filmed pornography as a hobby know that women actors in it are acting. pretending. this isn't stuff you have to take a women's studies class to find out. it's common knowledge.
I do understand that terrible men are a pretty widespread phenomenon, I am not suggesting that men like this aren't everywhere, I know you're right about that. but the natural human response to this particular kind of terribleness is shock, horror, and vocal outrage. I am really bothered by this sense that because women can and do become numbed to the horror after the fifth or tenth time they encounter it, it isn't outrageous each and every time. I don't expect people who are used to it to simulate emotion they are too tired or depressed to feel, but I want any woman expressing revulsion, which is the natural human reflex to mistreatment, to be vehemently and vocally supported.
every horrifying act of misogyny is the first one, for somebody.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:17 PM on April 27, 2017 [19 favorites]
I'm not going to list the amount and variety of sexual material I have read and seen over the years because you don't want to know and I don't want to say. but I have never in my life just started doing something to someone because I'd seen or heard about it, without asking, no matter how much fun I thought it would be. you just... you just don't do that. Especially because lots of what I enjoy is written by women, for women, and why would I assume a man would want in real life what imaginary men want in fanciful naughty books? he might, but I'd have to ask.
Most men not in the grips of serious delusion know that mainstream pornography is, to an overwhelming degree, designed, choreographed, and produced by men for the consumption and pleasure of other men, and that even when women watch it and like it, it has not been knowingly designed to please them. Most men who are deeply into filmed pornography as a hobby know that women actors in it are acting. pretending. this isn't stuff you have to take a women's studies class to find out. it's common knowledge.
I do understand that terrible men are a pretty widespread phenomenon, I am not suggesting that men like this aren't everywhere, I know you're right about that. but the natural human response to this particular kind of terribleness is shock, horror, and vocal outrage. I am really bothered by this sense that because women can and do become numbed to the horror after the fifth or tenth time they encounter it, it isn't outrageous each and every time. I don't expect people who are used to it to simulate emotion they are too tired or depressed to feel, but I want any woman expressing revulsion, which is the natural human reflex to mistreatment, to be vehemently and vocally supported.
every horrifying act of misogyny is the first one, for somebody.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:17 PM on April 27, 2017 [19 favorites]
I really can't think of another genre(?) where people treating other people as less than human is explained away like that.
People don't think Sandler's wacky hijinks are acceptable because they go to work, they go to school, and they see real people in similar situations, NOT doing what Sandler does. They occasionally see someone trying a "comedy antics" move, and getting slammed down for it.
They don't go about murdering their rivals and challenging them to duels, no matter how much GoT they watch, no matter how much WoW they play, because they see real people working through rivalries in different ways. (Not to mention all the fictional people they see in other genres.)
However, it's very, very likely that this dude has never seen the sex act between two adult humans who are (1) not him and (2) not being paid to be on camera. He may have no idea how else people might act in the bedroom. This is info that not only is not widely available, it's actively suppressed--you have to work to find information about a broad range of sexual activities and interests.
If this is the case, it does mean he's deliberately turned away from other possible info sources, including a lot of romance literature and "softcore" romantic erotica movies. But there's a big difference between "I found what works for me; why would I look at anything else" and "I know that what I like is actually a very tiny fraction of the possibilities." I'm positive he knows there are other forms of sex - I'm not sure he's aware that many men actually enjoy them, and choose them over the one he's found. It's very likely he's never seen a man enjoying any other type of sex.
(And back to: Not OP's job to fix that, either. Dude has had plenty of opportunity to find other resources. Just supporting the idea that "clueless" is a real possibility here. But women are under no obligation to spend emotional labor to fix the clueless-with-dicks among us.)
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 7:18 PM on April 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
People don't think Sandler's wacky hijinks are acceptable because they go to work, they go to school, and they see real people in similar situations, NOT doing what Sandler does. They occasionally see someone trying a "comedy antics" move, and getting slammed down for it.
They don't go about murdering their rivals and challenging them to duels, no matter how much GoT they watch, no matter how much WoW they play, because they see real people working through rivalries in different ways. (Not to mention all the fictional people they see in other genres.)
However, it's very, very likely that this dude has never seen the sex act between two adult humans who are (1) not him and (2) not being paid to be on camera. He may have no idea how else people might act in the bedroom. This is info that not only is not widely available, it's actively suppressed--you have to work to find information about a broad range of sexual activities and interests.
If this is the case, it does mean he's deliberately turned away from other possible info sources, including a lot of romance literature and "softcore" romantic erotica movies. But there's a big difference between "I found what works for me; why would I look at anything else" and "I know that what I like is actually a very tiny fraction of the possibilities." I'm positive he knows there are other forms of sex - I'm not sure he's aware that many men actually enjoy them, and choose them over the one he's found. It's very likely he's never seen a man enjoying any other type of sex.
(And back to: Not OP's job to fix that, either. Dude has had plenty of opportunity to find other resources. Just supporting the idea that "clueless" is a real possibility here. But women are under no obligation to spend emotional labor to fix the clueless-with-dicks among us.)
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 7:18 PM on April 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
Best answer: He may have no idea how else people might act in the bedroom.
How you act in the bedroom is not somehow hermetically sealed away from how you act in the rest of the world, though. You're not respectful of your partner's choices, invested in her enjoyment of your time together, and attentive to her feelings outside the bedroom, only to have it mysteriously disappear when you hit the sheets. The acts OP described--if not the result of advance negotiation between two people who hope it will bring them both pleasure--are acts of aggression, self-absorption, and contempt, and a man who does not recognize that, or see how his partner is reacting to them, has not been misled by porn, he's missing part of his humanity. The acts themselves are only a symptom.
posted by praemunire at 7:25 PM on April 27, 2017 [28 favorites]
How you act in the bedroom is not somehow hermetically sealed away from how you act in the rest of the world, though. You're not respectful of your partner's choices, invested in her enjoyment of your time together, and attentive to her feelings outside the bedroom, only to have it mysteriously disappear when you hit the sheets. The acts OP described--if not the result of advance negotiation between two people who hope it will bring them both pleasure--are acts of aggression, self-absorption, and contempt, and a man who does not recognize that, or see how his partner is reacting to them, has not been misled by porn, he's missing part of his humanity. The acts themselves are only a symptom.
posted by praemunire at 7:25 PM on April 27, 2017 [28 favorites]
I think if you're sophisticated enough to ask for a Brazilian in advance of sex for the first time (???) you are not really likely to be in the 'too clueless to know how sex works' category.
The chance that you are in the 'grooming someone to serve my needs' seems higher though.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:27 PM on April 27, 2017 [30 favorites]
The chance that you are in the 'grooming someone to serve my needs' seems higher though.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:27 PM on April 27, 2017 [30 favorites]
Not if you've been looking at naked women with Brazilians online since middle school, which he probably has been unless he's my age (40s). Everybody knows what a Brazilian is, even kids. Shit, especially kids.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:42 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Autumnheart at 7:42 PM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
Sure but would you ask a woman to make sure she has had one? It's not the knowing, it's the cheekiness of it.
I dunno man but OP...I would give this guy a pass. You don't need this in your life.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:02 PM on April 27, 2017
I dunno man but OP...I would give this guy a pass. You don't need this in your life.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:02 PM on April 27, 2017
He asked you for a Brazilian ahead of time. Did you guys share test results ahead of time? Did you ask him to get tested? Did he? Because that's certainly an equally reasonable ask. If you actually did get a Brazilian on his behalf, would you feel comfortable with asking him for something ahead of time (grooming, testing, acts)? If not, then yeah, this relationship is going nowhere healthy.
But srsly, you were Icked out enough to ask about it online. That is really all you need to know. Run.
posted by instamatic at 8:21 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
But srsly, you were Icked out enough to ask about it online. That is really all you need to know. Run.
posted by instamatic at 8:21 PM on April 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
I am in my late 30s, and every guy, without fail, that I've slept with that was >5 years younger than me has had this same exact issue. Enough to make me think that there is an entire generation of guys who have no concept of real-people sex and only know how to re-enact scenes from YouPorn.
I put up with it a few times and now I just don't date guys in that age range. You will not re-train them, the sex will probably not get better. DTMFA.
posted by tryniti at 8:31 PM on April 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
I put up with it a few times and now I just don't date guys in that age range. You will not re-train them, the sex will probably not get better. DTMFA.
posted by tryniti at 8:31 PM on April 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
My fiance is mid 20s now and he was never like this. Nor was the other 20 somethings that wanted in on it with me, a couple of years back when I was a bit younger and single. No one said or indicated any kind of displeasure; I didn't (can't really) shave, and I decidedly don't look like mainstream porn one bit, and am a bit older. No one had a problem with my bits; quite the opposite actually.
So it's not exclusively an age thing-- although yeah I think that there are a disproportionate amount of younger dudebro-esque guys that have this warped vision of airbrushed sex and perfect women nowadays. It's true, there are a lot, and I have met them, and they do have unrealistic expectations. However, it's not all of them, there are young guys out there that are realistic about women, and I hesitate to paint 'every younger guy without fail' with the same brush as it kinda smacks of ageism to me.
That said, this guy's flag is so red it's incandescent. I mean, if it were reversed and you asked him for a brazillian it would be laughable, and yet because you're a woman, it's okay to ask? After a week? Bleh. I don't think this guy is going to change; he doesn't appear he wants to-- and I think he knows what he wants, given he asked you to conform before even being intimate with you.
In a nutshell: Regardless of the circumstances, any person worth their salt would never make you feel used and belittled. Not knowing any better isn't an excuse. Pull the plug.
posted by Dimes at 10:16 PM on April 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
So it's not exclusively an age thing-- although yeah I think that there are a disproportionate amount of younger dudebro-esque guys that have this warped vision of airbrushed sex and perfect women nowadays. It's true, there are a lot, and I have met them, and they do have unrealistic expectations. However, it's not all of them, there are young guys out there that are realistic about women, and I hesitate to paint 'every younger guy without fail' with the same brush as it kinda smacks of ageism to me.
That said, this guy's flag is so red it's incandescent. I mean, if it were reversed and you asked him for a brazillian it would be laughable, and yet because you're a woman, it's okay to ask? After a week? Bleh. I don't think this guy is going to change; he doesn't appear he wants to-- and I think he knows what he wants, given he asked you to conform before even being intimate with you.
In a nutshell: Regardless of the circumstances, any person worth their salt would never make you feel used and belittled. Not knowing any better isn't an excuse. Pull the plug.
posted by Dimes at 10:16 PM on April 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
I find a lot of the responses here really extreme and harsh. All we know for certain is that this guy failed to get somebody off, and people are way too quick to assume he is an irredeemable, toxic bro. He didn't sexually assault her, he just performed in a way she didn't enjoy at all.
(I'm going to disregard the whole Brazilian aspect because I don't feel like we have all the info there. We don't know if he asked her before or after they had sex, we don't know how he asked her, we don't know anything other than at some point he asked her. So, yeah, maybe it was creepy and awful. Maybe. But the OP doesn't seem to think that was a deal-breaker, and we can't make that call for her.)
So, OP, this guy did not get you off. Maybe somebody else would have responded differently, but it REALLY didn't work for you. You didn't do anything wrong, but it's entirely possible he didn't either. You have radically different styles, and you may be incompatible. It happens. If he is affectionate, kind and attentive, it may well be that THAT is the real him even if he doesn't do sex in a way that works for you.
If you really like him and feel a connection, it may be worth sitting down with him and telling him that you felt like the sex was too rough, you like it more gentle. Don't plop a big judgement on him, but say you'd like to see more of the gentleness and affection he shows you outside the bedroom. It's not impossible he's been putting on a show for your sake, that he thinks women like a man to be "in control" and he's following a script that doesn't feel right to him either. He may be relieved to drop the act and be more vulnerable with you. You'll never know unless you talk it out.
It's not about you being responsible to "teach" this guy anything! But if you like him and you feel like there's potential here, tell him what you need and see what happens. Metafilter is way too quick to cry DTMFA!, and this "MFA" may actually be a decent person who really wants to have the kind of sex you'll both enjoy.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:33 PM on April 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
(I'm going to disregard the whole Brazilian aspect because I don't feel like we have all the info there. We don't know if he asked her before or after they had sex, we don't know how he asked her, we don't know anything other than at some point he asked her. So, yeah, maybe it was creepy and awful. Maybe. But the OP doesn't seem to think that was a deal-breaker, and we can't make that call for her.)
So, OP, this guy did not get you off. Maybe somebody else would have responded differently, but it REALLY didn't work for you. You didn't do anything wrong, but it's entirely possible he didn't either. You have radically different styles, and you may be incompatible. It happens. If he is affectionate, kind and attentive, it may well be that THAT is the real him even if he doesn't do sex in a way that works for you.
If you really like him and feel a connection, it may be worth sitting down with him and telling him that you felt like the sex was too rough, you like it more gentle. Don't plop a big judgement on him, but say you'd like to see more of the gentleness and affection he shows you outside the bedroom. It's not impossible he's been putting on a show for your sake, that he thinks women like a man to be "in control" and he's following a script that doesn't feel right to him either. He may be relieved to drop the act and be more vulnerable with you. You'll never know unless you talk it out.
It's not about you being responsible to "teach" this guy anything! But if you like him and you feel like there's potential here, tell him what you need and see what happens. Metafilter is way too quick to cry DTMFA!, and this "MFA" may actually be a decent person who really wants to have the kind of sex you'll both enjoy.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:33 PM on April 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
Speaking from personal experience it is possible for men to overcome "porn sex" programming, and, it is a life project that will take years of brutally hard work, and only possible if he chooses to do it, and probably involves a complete life overhaul. This level of detachment from basic empathy is extreme and the fact that the sex is pornographic is the tip of the iceberg. The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to remove him from your life and find someone who sees you as a human being by default. If you want to be kind to him, you could tell him why and that he needs to change. I strongly recommend though that you don't go any further with him.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:43 PM on April 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:43 PM on April 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
If you're still wondering whether or not this dude was just fooled by the porn industry into believing that's what sex should be, one final observation I have is that he did possess the cognitive capacity necessary to recognize that your pubic area might not be like what he saw in porn. He was able to use his words and make an actual (totally inappropriate at that stage of the relationship, IMO) request of you to make that area more like that of the porn ladies. He didn't just make an assumption when it came to something THAT IMPORTANT (/s).
You deserve to expect that he was therefore also capable of using his words to find out if you as a person were like what he saw in porn, too.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:41 AM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
You deserve to expect that he was therefore also capable of using his words to find out if you as a person were like what he saw in porn, too.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:41 AM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: He is 54 years old. Was married for 15 and in long-term relationships since then which is why I was so blindsided. Perhaps this is a recent development after being single for awhile, and he resorted to porn which has obliterated his normal sexual self.
Broke up with him yesterday, over email. Explained that the style of sex he was into was not mine, and furthermore I would be unable to maintain a brazillian as I prefer some hair down there.
Asked him to mail me a check for the cost of the brazillian that I got for HIM.
He said he would mail me a check. That's it.
posted by Jaspersen145 at 8:05 AM on April 28, 2017 [59 favorites]
Broke up with him yesterday, over email. Explained that the style of sex he was into was not mine, and furthermore I would be unable to maintain a brazillian as I prefer some hair down there.
Asked him to mail me a check for the cost of the brazillian that I got for HIM.
He said he would mail me a check. That's it.
posted by Jaspersen145 at 8:05 AM on April 28, 2017 [59 favorites]
54? This is ingrained behaviour then, which you were never going to be able to move him away from. The cheek to ask somebody to change something about their body when you barely know them is so staggering I cannot believe it.
And the entitlement of effectively just marauding around a woman you barely knows body, doing the things which have probably got you off during your 54 years on this planet with no thought for the person you’re with; astounding.
I have also had sex with (usually younger) men with little real sexual experience apart from porn, and have found (as a general rule) that when presented with the real deal and encouraged, they quickly move away from the fake porn stuff, usually with a type of relief as they knew they could never meet those impossible standards.
Well done you for ending it, and if he does send you that cheque – cash it and buy yourself a nice bottle of wine which you can use to toast your escape from this grown adult man who believes human people are f**k dolls
posted by mrmulliner at 9:40 AM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
And the entitlement of effectively just marauding around a woman you barely knows body, doing the things which have probably got you off during your 54 years on this planet with no thought for the person you’re with; astounding.
I have also had sex with (usually younger) men with little real sexual experience apart from porn, and have found (as a general rule) that when presented with the real deal and encouraged, they quickly move away from the fake porn stuff, usually with a type of relief as they knew they could never meet those impossible standards.
Well done you for ending it, and if he does send you that cheque – cash it and buy yourself a nice bottle of wine which you can use to toast your escape from this grown adult man who believes human people are f**k dolls
posted by mrmulliner at 9:40 AM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
A close friend of mine is a male porn star, with scores of AVN awards. Off camera, he doesn't have sex the way he does on it. If someone who's had porn sex for a living for 20+ years can manage to distinguish between those modes of having sex, then so can people who only watch porn. It's not some unattainable cognitive leap.
posted by culfinglin at 1:01 PM on April 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by culfinglin at 1:01 PM on April 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
Crikey, I figured he was in his early twenties. Glad it worked out.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:31 PM on April 28, 2017
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:31 PM on April 28, 2017
You dodged a bullet. Good on you!
posted by floweredfish at 7:17 PM on April 28, 2017
posted by floweredfish at 7:17 PM on April 28, 2017
You rock. Good for you!
posted by lazuli at 8:19 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 8:19 PM on April 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
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