How daily my anxious life. How do I stop becoming this person?
April 25, 2017 6:41 PM Subscribe
What are some tips and advice you can share on how to manage anxiety? Lately it has become so immobilising that I am unable to function properly throughout the day. I am (obviously) having a hard time talking about it with family and friends, though I feel MeFi is a safe space for me to ask.
Sometimes I just sit in an almost catatonic-like state, staring off into space but I'm actually filled with really negative thoughts and so much fear. Other times I find that I can't breathe at all, there's a tingling in my body, and I'm afraid I'm having a heart attack. Or I'm doubled over gasping for breath. It even happens when I'm taking a shower, and I feel like I'm drowning.
I am bipolar and currently taking 10mg Aripiprazole (Abdin) daily. My neuropsych doctor has strongly suggested seeing a separate therapist to work through my issues, but has also recently mentioned that she can prescribe me with Clonazepam (Rivotril) for my anxiety. Someone cautioned me against adding meds to what I'm already taking though, and said that it is better if I not become dependent on them. She has suggested thinking positive thoughts to counter the negative ones, and meditation. I haven't decided yet because it all boils down to how expensive it is - would it be more worth it to go and, er, 'invest' in a therapist or to have pills to help me when I'm having an 'episode' or to not go with either and just handle it by myself? But how do I turn the negative into positive? How do I even begin meditating?
An ongoing list of my current anxieties:
1. A deviation from a plan would mean something bad is going to happen, or something unexpected that I would not be able to cope with/solve (which is ironic because I deeply love jazz and believe in the beauty of improvisation!)
2. When I leave my house it will burn down (to the point where I am planning to have a go bag filled with important documents and asking my sister to grab it and save it in case something bad happens when I'm gone)
3. The dogs will get out of the house and wander the streets and get run down by cars
4. There will be a big earthquake and we will not be ready
5. When I get on an airplane (I'm about to take a trip) there will be a bird strike and I will die
6. I will unluckily be in a place where there are terrorists and I will get kidnapped or be in a hostage situation or die and I could've prevented it by not leaving for my trip
7. If I tell a lie, even a white lie, even just a small lie (i.e. I say I am with someone during this trip but really I'll be by myself most of the time), something bad is going to happen
and so on. You get the drift.
I read this Ask and there are some good ideas there, but I couldn't rightly say that my anxiety is short-term. I experience it daily and there are days when I could barely function because of all the shit that's in my head. I want to stop becoming this person so bad.
And it's not just I'm going to die/something bad is going to happen that's an ongoing refrain in my head, there are more anxieties that I won't enumerate anymore. I have debated long and hard with myself on whether I'm going to ask here, as I am so ashamed at being like this. But here I am. Thank you in advance, I am very grateful.
Sometimes I just sit in an almost catatonic-like state, staring off into space but I'm actually filled with really negative thoughts and so much fear. Other times I find that I can't breathe at all, there's a tingling in my body, and I'm afraid I'm having a heart attack. Or I'm doubled over gasping for breath. It even happens when I'm taking a shower, and I feel like I'm drowning.
I am bipolar and currently taking 10mg Aripiprazole (Abdin) daily. My neuropsych doctor has strongly suggested seeing a separate therapist to work through my issues, but has also recently mentioned that she can prescribe me with Clonazepam (Rivotril) for my anxiety. Someone cautioned me against adding meds to what I'm already taking though, and said that it is better if I not become dependent on them. She has suggested thinking positive thoughts to counter the negative ones, and meditation. I haven't decided yet because it all boils down to how expensive it is - would it be more worth it to go and, er, 'invest' in a therapist or to have pills to help me when I'm having an 'episode' or to not go with either and just handle it by myself? But how do I turn the negative into positive? How do I even begin meditating?
An ongoing list of my current anxieties:
1. A deviation from a plan would mean something bad is going to happen, or something unexpected that I would not be able to cope with/solve (which is ironic because I deeply love jazz and believe in the beauty of improvisation!)
2. When I leave my house it will burn down (to the point where I am planning to have a go bag filled with important documents and asking my sister to grab it and save it in case something bad happens when I'm gone)
3. The dogs will get out of the house and wander the streets and get run down by cars
4. There will be a big earthquake and we will not be ready
5. When I get on an airplane (I'm about to take a trip) there will be a bird strike and I will die
6. I will unluckily be in a place where there are terrorists and I will get kidnapped or be in a hostage situation or die and I could've prevented it by not leaving for my trip
7. If I tell a lie, even a white lie, even just a small lie (i.e. I say I am with someone during this trip but really I'll be by myself most of the time), something bad is going to happen
and so on. You get the drift.
I read this Ask and there are some good ideas there, but I couldn't rightly say that my anxiety is short-term. I experience it daily and there are days when I could barely function because of all the shit that's in my head. I want to stop becoming this person so bad.
And it's not just I'm going to die/something bad is going to happen that's an ongoing refrain in my head, there are more anxieties that I won't enumerate anymore. I have debated long and hard with myself on whether I'm going to ask here, as I am so ashamed at being like this. But here I am. Thank you in advance, I am very grateful.
Hey OP, who is this person who suggested you not become dependent on another drug and what's up with that? A buddy of mine suggested, about 5 years ago, that I didn't want to get the anti-anxiety drug my meds shrink recommended. His reasons made no sense to me. I've been suffering from health anxiety since I was 10. It was mostly manageable until it wasn't. I have suffered a lot for many years. Then I was offered an anti-anxiety drug that has cut my suffering and anxiety by about 90%. I also take medication for my ADHD. It wasn't a magic wand but has made my ADHD manageable and allows me to be more productive than I ever was without it.
Oh dearest pleasebekind, are you ashamed of the color of your eyes or the shape of your feet or the tenor of your voice? I certainly hope not. And I hope you can get over your shame at having what I think of as a crooked brain. My brain is not neurotypical. But it is wonderful in many ways, especially when I'm feeding it the ADHD and anti-anxiety meds that allow me to be a better me.
You have an already challenging condition. For me personally there wasn't enough therapy in the world (I went for years) to help my ADHD and anxiety. My therapy was helpful but it was most helpful after I had drugs that were miraculous for me. Not miraculous in that they made all my problems go away but miraculous because I could be kind of normal. My obsessive thoughts mostly strolled away after I got my meds.
There are lots of techniques and approaches and things that might help you. In my case, though, medicine was the best help I could ever hope for. Please don't deny yourself something that might help (or some combination of things that might help) because someone who doesn't live in your brain has decided it's a bad idea. Of course, I had really good luck finding medication that works for me. You may not have such good luck. But honestly, you didn't ask to be like this. Why keep suffering to this degree if there's a drug that might help you? Lots of people want to tell us how to be us. But this is not a moral issue. This is a health issue. Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you like.
posted by Bella Donna at 6:57 PM on April 25, 2017 [14 favorites]
Oh dearest pleasebekind, are you ashamed of the color of your eyes or the shape of your feet or the tenor of your voice? I certainly hope not. And I hope you can get over your shame at having what I think of as a crooked brain. My brain is not neurotypical. But it is wonderful in many ways, especially when I'm feeding it the ADHD and anti-anxiety meds that allow me to be a better me.
You have an already challenging condition. For me personally there wasn't enough therapy in the world (I went for years) to help my ADHD and anxiety. My therapy was helpful but it was most helpful after I had drugs that were miraculous for me. Not miraculous in that they made all my problems go away but miraculous because I could be kind of normal. My obsessive thoughts mostly strolled away after I got my meds.
There are lots of techniques and approaches and things that might help you. In my case, though, medicine was the best help I could ever hope for. Please don't deny yourself something that might help (or some combination of things that might help) because someone who doesn't live in your brain has decided it's a bad idea. Of course, I had really good luck finding medication that works for me. You may not have such good luck. But honestly, you didn't ask to be like this. Why keep suffering to this degree if there's a drug that might help you? Lots of people want to tell us how to be us. But this is not a moral issue. This is a health issue. Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you like.
posted by Bella Donna at 6:57 PM on April 25, 2017 [14 favorites]
First, I'm sorry you are going through this. I have been there; many of us here have.
I am an experienced Clonazepam user, though currently not taking any, so I feel I can address this particular thing.
People who read things on the internet have a lot of opinions about benzos (drug class of Clonazepam). It's not an unwarranted concern. It's not a drug you just want to start taking recreationally or without consideration or willy nilly. But the truth is that no one but you and your doctor know if this is the right treatment for you.
I had a lot of trepidation about taking clonazepam. I told my psychiatrist this. I said I was nervous about dependancy. She told me she was prescribing it to me and it was her job to worry about that. She said she thought it would help and it was her job to manage it. She was right. Taking it regularly for a bit helped me calm down enough to be able to actually get some therapy and change my thought patterns and then be able to eventually get off it. I still keep some around in case of an acute situation - millions of people do - and that's fine. It works. Just having it around is enough for most people to feel a bit calmer.
The kind of anxiety you are having sounds pretty debilitating (and I would know). My personal opinion is that medication works best in combination with therapy generally, but sometimes you need the chemical start to be able to even think clearly about other things, like therapy, and that is fine. Don't not take it because your friend is taking some moral high ground or whatever. "Think positive thoughts" is often a good solution only for people who don't really have negative thoughts. I'm all about meditation but when you ask "how do I begin meditating" the answer for you might be a new medication.
Living in constant fear of earthquakes and terrorists is no way to live. Ask your doctor about that Clonazepam.
posted by Lutoslawski at 7:18 PM on April 25, 2017 [11 favorites]
I am an experienced Clonazepam user, though currently not taking any, so I feel I can address this particular thing.
People who read things on the internet have a lot of opinions about benzos (drug class of Clonazepam). It's not an unwarranted concern. It's not a drug you just want to start taking recreationally or without consideration or willy nilly. But the truth is that no one but you and your doctor know if this is the right treatment for you.
I had a lot of trepidation about taking clonazepam. I told my psychiatrist this. I said I was nervous about dependancy. She told me she was prescribing it to me and it was her job to worry about that. She said she thought it would help and it was her job to manage it. She was right. Taking it regularly for a bit helped me calm down enough to be able to actually get some therapy and change my thought patterns and then be able to eventually get off it. I still keep some around in case of an acute situation - millions of people do - and that's fine. It works. Just having it around is enough for most people to feel a bit calmer.
The kind of anxiety you are having sounds pretty debilitating (and I would know). My personal opinion is that medication works best in combination with therapy generally, but sometimes you need the chemical start to be able to even think clearly about other things, like therapy, and that is fine. Don't not take it because your friend is taking some moral high ground or whatever. "Think positive thoughts" is often a good solution only for people who don't really have negative thoughts. I'm all about meditation but when you ask "how do I begin meditating" the answer for you might be a new medication.
Living in constant fear of earthquakes and terrorists is no way to live. Ask your doctor about that Clonazepam.
posted by Lutoslawski at 7:18 PM on April 25, 2017 [11 favorites]
it is better if I not become dependent on them. She has suggested thinking positive thoughts to counter the negative ones
When people tell me things like this, I ask if they have any first person experience with clinical depression or anxiety. Dependency can be difficult, sure, but it's nothing like the hell on earth that sitting around catatonic with panic can be. I have said this many times in AskMe but I will say it again for good measure: the biggest thing that doctors don't tell you about anti-anxiety meds is that you will be afraid to take them. This is part of the problem. If you have a doctor who you are comfortable and confident about working with and they are suggesting this I would run-not-walk to try it out if I thought it would help. This is from someone who wasted months not trying the lorazepam which was in my bathroom because I was afraid.
Meditation has also helped, me but sometimes what it does is gives me the clarity to get a handle on when I do (or don't, sometimes I don't) need to take medication. It may be part of what overall winds up working for you, but if you've tried those things and they're not helping there is no shame in trying medication that a professional thinks might help you. I am sorry you are dealing with this, it's hard.
posted by jessamyn at 7:25 PM on April 25, 2017 [23 favorites]
When people tell me things like this, I ask if they have any first person experience with clinical depression or anxiety. Dependency can be difficult, sure, but it's nothing like the hell on earth that sitting around catatonic with panic can be. I have said this many times in AskMe but I will say it again for good measure: the biggest thing that doctors don't tell you about anti-anxiety meds is that you will be afraid to take them. This is part of the problem. If you have a doctor who you are comfortable and confident about working with and they are suggesting this I would run-not-walk to try it out if I thought it would help. This is from someone who wasted months not trying the lorazepam which was in my bathroom because I was afraid.
Meditation has also helped, me but sometimes what it does is gives me the clarity to get a handle on when I do (or don't, sometimes I don't) need to take medication. It may be part of what overall winds up working for you, but if you've tried those things and they're not helping there is no shame in trying medication that a professional thinks might help you. I am sorry you are dealing with this, it's hard.
posted by jessamyn at 7:25 PM on April 25, 2017 [23 favorites]
I have always found it is best to look at medicine as the hammock that can help you lift off of the ground until you learn to master levitation on your own. Medicine is an excellent supplement to bolster your reserves while working through issues practically with a therapist. Seriously - don't knock adding an extra dose to your routine until you explore what it can do for you because the fears you mention having are the exact sort of things medicinal intervention was made for. Bringing down the intensity (a bit like BP meds) so you can deal with the middling existence without the heightened state of anxiety (or in the case of BP, depression and mania)
An awesome thing is that sometimes once you have that lightening of the anxiety via medicine you can self-heal the anxieties pre-emptively such as "Oh, I used to fear leaving the house because of spontaneous fires that might break out... but, look at this... I'm no longer in an episode of heightened anxiety and I can see this is something I can calm myself down with a little so-called rational thinking... no fires will happen because of x/y/z and if they did occur then these other people would notice it and even if the worst case scenario did occur and somehow the entire place went up in flames, I have always kept a copy of my important documents in a separate location" and so on.
Use whatever tools you need to use to bring the brain down a notch on the disaster totem pole. Meds, more interesting therapy techniques, lists of why your fears are mostly unfounded, and a constant reminder that "Well, if these things occurred, this is all part of life. And this is okay. I am ready for anything."
You are going to be okay and I hope you will give yourself a big hug and be all "Heck yeah, no shame!" when you read this... Asking for help is awesome and there is nothing to be ashamed of about yourself. :)
posted by missh at 7:26 PM on April 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
An awesome thing is that sometimes once you have that lightening of the anxiety via medicine you can self-heal the anxieties pre-emptively such as "Oh, I used to fear leaving the house because of spontaneous fires that might break out... but, look at this... I'm no longer in an episode of heightened anxiety and I can see this is something I can calm myself down with a little so-called rational thinking... no fires will happen because of x/y/z and if they did occur then these other people would notice it and even if the worst case scenario did occur and somehow the entire place went up in flames, I have always kept a copy of my important documents in a separate location" and so on.
Use whatever tools you need to use to bring the brain down a notch on the disaster totem pole. Meds, more interesting therapy techniques, lists of why your fears are mostly unfounded, and a constant reminder that "Well, if these things occurred, this is all part of life. And this is okay. I am ready for anything."
You are going to be okay and I hope you will give yourself a big hug and be all "Heck yeah, no shame!" when you read this... Asking for help is awesome and there is nothing to be ashamed of about yourself. :)
posted by missh at 7:26 PM on April 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
Benzos are serious business, but your suffering is serious business, too. Just by allowing you to interrupt the relentless exhausting cycles of anxiety for a while, they can give you real relief, which means you will have the energy to try to cultivate other, complementary methods of treatment (and, you know, live your life).
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing.
posted by praemunire at 8:09 PM on April 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing.
posted by praemunire at 8:09 PM on April 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
Someone cautioned me against adding meds to what I'm already taking though, and said that it is better if I not become dependent on them.
This is bad advice, and here's what happened for me when I stopped following it.
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:15 PM on April 25, 2017 [7 favorites]
This is bad advice, and here's what happened for me when I stopped following it.
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:15 PM on April 25, 2017 [7 favorites]
Drugs are the tow truck that drags the car of your brain out of the ditch, and enables your mechanic, the therapist, to fix the broken transmission.
posted by culfinglin at 8:32 PM on April 25, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by culfinglin at 8:32 PM on April 25, 2017 [11 favorites]
I have crippling anxiety. I take a lot of medication. Because anxiety isn't a joke or something you can just get over. It is a physical illness as much as a mental one.
Whether you need it for a short time, or a lifetime, it is OK to take medication.
When a psychiatrist offers you clonazepam, you probably really, really need it. They don't hand it out like candy.
Please, you sound to me like anxiety is ruining your quality of life. You need more than talk for this. Anxiety this bad doesn't just go away by itself. It feeds on itself, and it just gets worse. It also has lasting effects, because it changes pathways in your brain. Medication can help. It can help you help yourself. I know. I live this.
When it gets to the point that you notice how bad it is, it is pretty damn bad.
You deserve to feel better.
posted by monopas at 9:28 PM on April 25, 2017 [10 favorites]
Whether you need it for a short time, or a lifetime, it is OK to take medication.
When a psychiatrist offers you clonazepam, you probably really, really need it. They don't hand it out like candy.
Please, you sound to me like anxiety is ruining your quality of life. You need more than talk for this. Anxiety this bad doesn't just go away by itself. It feeds on itself, and it just gets worse. It also has lasting effects, because it changes pathways in your brain. Medication can help. It can help you help yourself. I know. I live this.
When it gets to the point that you notice how bad it is, it is pretty damn bad.
You deserve to feel better.
posted by monopas at 9:28 PM on April 25, 2017 [10 favorites]
Someone cautioned me against adding meds to what I'm already taking though, and said that it is better if I not become dependent on them.
I know this has been well addressed, but if this "someone" is not your psychiatrist, this someone is wrong. And "thinking positive thoughts" is, frankly, shitty advice. I mean, if it were that simple, NO ONE WOULD BE ANXIOUS EVER. That's not how reality works, though.
I take clonazepam daily. I've since been through four rounds of a partial hospital program, and have found a therapist and psychiatrist that I see regularly. I could not have done that before. I can meditate now because my brain isn't buzzing all the damn time.
I really understand your 2 and 4, because I get all doomsday prepper when my anxiety is unchecked. There's a common theme in all your list items, and it's a fear of not being able to control a situation. I'm the same way. And if you live in an earthquake prone area, having a go bag is not unreasonable. The problem is not going overboard with it. A go bag is fine, but you don't need to buy a year's worth of freeze dried food. I bought myself a really nice Swiss Army Knife to carry in my purse. It's my security blanket. It's genuinely useful and, more to the point, it gives me a sense of preparedness and control.
You're not a bad person for having these intrusive thoughts. It's nothing to be ashamed of, really. Debilitating anxiety is an illness, and you do not have to suffer. I get it, it's hard, and there's a stigma, but listen, no one tells diabetics to just keep a stiff upper lip and carry on. Take care of yourself. Do whatever you have to do to feel better. You're worth it.
posted by Ruki at 9:52 PM on April 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
I know this has been well addressed, but if this "someone" is not your psychiatrist, this someone is wrong. And "thinking positive thoughts" is, frankly, shitty advice. I mean, if it were that simple, NO ONE WOULD BE ANXIOUS EVER. That's not how reality works, though.
I take clonazepam daily. I've since been through four rounds of a partial hospital program, and have found a therapist and psychiatrist that I see regularly. I could not have done that before. I can meditate now because my brain isn't buzzing all the damn time.
I really understand your 2 and 4, because I get all doomsday prepper when my anxiety is unchecked. There's a common theme in all your list items, and it's a fear of not being able to control a situation. I'm the same way. And if you live in an earthquake prone area, having a go bag is not unreasonable. The problem is not going overboard with it. A go bag is fine, but you don't need to buy a year's worth of freeze dried food. I bought myself a really nice Swiss Army Knife to carry in my purse. It's my security blanket. It's genuinely useful and, more to the point, it gives me a sense of preparedness and control.
You're not a bad person for having these intrusive thoughts. It's nothing to be ashamed of, really. Debilitating anxiety is an illness, and you do not have to suffer. I get it, it's hard, and there's a stigma, but listen, no one tells diabetics to just keep a stiff upper lip and carry on. Take care of yourself. Do whatever you have to do to feel better. You're worth it.
posted by Ruki at 9:52 PM on April 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
Echoing the sentiment that you should listen to your neuropsych and follow the recommendation for a therapist plus Clonazepam. Imagine if someone told a person with diabetes not to take their insulin and counter their symptoms with positive thinking. It sounds ludicrous because it is. This is an illness and not something you can change solely through the power of positive thinking. I wish you could. It would certainly take some practice, but would make my life a whole lot easier if behavior modification alone would treat my anxiety (& depression).
Some background: IANAD and IANYD, but I have clinical anxiety and depresssion and take meds for them. This is in concert with behavior modification/self-care & therapy. When my anxiety is managed and I've transitioned to the "as needed" course of treatment, I do not need/want/crave my diazepam (aka Valium) on a daily basis. When I need it, I take it. Learning to recognize the signs so that it doesn't get ahead of you can take practice. If I have a significant lapse in meds and self-care, however, I can end up in the catatonic like state you describe, and it sucks.
The good news is that it's amazing how quickly you can get back on track with the right treatment plan, which probably means anti-anxiety medication. You may need to take it daily at first, but, under a doctor's supervision, in concert with good self-care, you may find that, in time, you can cut back significantly. Also, it may not be the right med for you, so be prepared for that. It doesn't mean that there isn't a better alternative out there. Try the course of treatment. Be honest with your doc about how it works and any other substances you ingest that might alter its effects. If it doesn't work, try a different med and, if you feel it's the best choice, cease treatment but please continue to be closely monitored. Also, as effective as it can be, medication alone will not fix this. I am a big believer in a three tiered approach of meds, behavior modification/self care, & therapy. it takes work at first, much of which you may not feel like doing or might seem completely overwhelming right now. Start with the meds and working on the other two pieces will be much more manageable.
As for dependency, with these types of meds, dependency often (not always, but often) happens when you are no longer treating the initial symptoms/cause, but are enjoying the more, for lack of a better word, recreational effects of your meds. For example, I've had to take Vicodin for post-op pain and never understood why people would take it for "fun" or to get high. It was explained to me by several people that's because I was actually treating the root cause (pain) and, once that passed, I didn't have anymore so never really experienced the feelings that cause people to get hooked. Of course, there are a lot of variables (addiction tendencies, inclinations for recreational drug use, etc), but you are suffering and are under a doctor's care. This is the time you need to listen to professionals and specialists that are trying to help you, which includes a good therapist.
As for the well meaning but ill informed someone in your life, don't discuss this with this person any further. You won't change this individual's mind, but you could be swayed away from effective treatment before you have a chance to gauge whether it's the right choice for you. If you're asked and do not feel like you can politely say its private at this point, just say you are following a treatment plan and change the subject. I promise you, as hard as it is to imagine, it will get better. Please feel free to MeFi mail me & best of luck!
posted by katemcd at 10:07 PM on April 25, 2017
Some background: IANAD and IANYD, but I have clinical anxiety and depresssion and take meds for them. This is in concert with behavior modification/self-care & therapy. When my anxiety is managed and I've transitioned to the "as needed" course of treatment, I do not need/want/crave my diazepam (aka Valium) on a daily basis. When I need it, I take it. Learning to recognize the signs so that it doesn't get ahead of you can take practice. If I have a significant lapse in meds and self-care, however, I can end up in the catatonic like state you describe, and it sucks.
The good news is that it's amazing how quickly you can get back on track with the right treatment plan, which probably means anti-anxiety medication. You may need to take it daily at first, but, under a doctor's supervision, in concert with good self-care, you may find that, in time, you can cut back significantly. Also, it may not be the right med for you, so be prepared for that. It doesn't mean that there isn't a better alternative out there. Try the course of treatment. Be honest with your doc about how it works and any other substances you ingest that might alter its effects. If it doesn't work, try a different med and, if you feel it's the best choice, cease treatment but please continue to be closely monitored. Also, as effective as it can be, medication alone will not fix this. I am a big believer in a three tiered approach of meds, behavior modification/self care, & therapy. it takes work at first, much of which you may not feel like doing or might seem completely overwhelming right now. Start with the meds and working on the other two pieces will be much more manageable.
As for dependency, with these types of meds, dependency often (not always, but often) happens when you are no longer treating the initial symptoms/cause, but are enjoying the more, for lack of a better word, recreational effects of your meds. For example, I've had to take Vicodin for post-op pain and never understood why people would take it for "fun" or to get high. It was explained to me by several people that's because I was actually treating the root cause (pain) and, once that passed, I didn't have anymore so never really experienced the feelings that cause people to get hooked. Of course, there are a lot of variables (addiction tendencies, inclinations for recreational drug use, etc), but you are suffering and are under a doctor's care. This is the time you need to listen to professionals and specialists that are trying to help you, which includes a good therapist.
As for the well meaning but ill informed someone in your life, don't discuss this with this person any further. You won't change this individual's mind, but you could be swayed away from effective treatment before you have a chance to gauge whether it's the right choice for you. If you're asked and do not feel like you can politely say its private at this point, just say you are following a treatment plan and change the subject. I promise you, as hard as it is to imagine, it will get better. Please feel free to MeFi mail me & best of luck!
posted by katemcd at 10:07 PM on April 25, 2017
So, people are weird as hell about benzos, and I'm happy to see all the supportive comments here because more than occasionally people are weird as hell about benzos on metafilter. For all that I've experienced unwavering support re: antidepressants, sometimes the same people giving that support are like, drugs are great and not shameful and it's a disease etc except for this one class of drug!!! and proceed to fear-monger you into submission when you're already anxious. All of which I say to validate that as a thing that's an extra barrier that's very real, and I'm deeply sorry you have to deal with.
Take the Clonazepam. You don't even have to take it every day, as lots of people use it on an as needed basis. Focus on keeping yourself well above all. You are suffering from what sounds like a truly exhausting level of anxiety and panic, and you deserve to use every tool available to you to lessen it. Anyone who says otherwise is, frankly, a jerk.
posted by colorblock sock at 10:51 PM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Take the Clonazepam. You don't even have to take it every day, as lots of people use it on an as needed basis. Focus on keeping yourself well above all. You are suffering from what sounds like a truly exhausting level of anxiety and panic, and you deserve to use every tool available to you to lessen it. Anyone who says otherwise is, frankly, a jerk.
posted by colorblock sock at 10:51 PM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I've been on .5 mg twice a day for coming up on a year now. This is in no way medical advice, but, honestly, I don't take it every day now. I had an as needed Ativan prescription for panic attacks prior to this. And then every day was a bad day, so I was prescribed the Klonopin. Took it faithfully for months, but now, I don't need it as much, and I still have pills left from my one month refill back in January. I started sleeping better, because my brain calmed down, so I started skipping the night pill. And then I stopped waking up in the middle of a panic attack, so I started skipping the morning pill. On average, I take three pills a week. I know I'll be on my SNRI for the rest of my life, and I'm okay with that, but the benzo served its temporary purpose. And I am so much better for it.
posted by Ruki at 11:48 PM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Ruki at 11:48 PM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
For what it is worth, I have been on the same small daily dose of alprazolam for about 4 years now. If I take more, it is too much and I feel foggy and run down the next day. Evil Scary Xanax. Nothing directly bad happens, no withdrawl or anything, if I don't take it. But I can't sleep without it. I've tried.
My case is unusual, but I exhausted many other options before I was willing to try it. The common sleep meds, other meds that are used for sleep or anxiety because of their side effects, other benzos like clonazepam and lorazepam.
So if you try clonazepam, and it doesn't work out well for you, there are other options. Keep trying. Most of the bipolar people I know are on at least two meds, often more. It isn't about dependence, it is that bipolar is complex to treat. Aripiprazole is known to have anxiety as a side effect. Doesn't mean you should stop taking it, just means that it is even more important to address the problem. It was a lifesaver for a bipolar friend of mine, but it isn't enough. Friend also takes gabapentin, lamotrigine, and amitriptyline. Also has diazepam for panic attacks.
posted by monopas at 12:30 AM on April 26, 2017
My case is unusual, but I exhausted many other options before I was willing to try it. The common sleep meds, other meds that are used for sleep or anxiety because of their side effects, other benzos like clonazepam and lorazepam.
So if you try clonazepam, and it doesn't work out well for you, there are other options. Keep trying. Most of the bipolar people I know are on at least two meds, often more. It isn't about dependence, it is that bipolar is complex to treat. Aripiprazole is known to have anxiety as a side effect. Doesn't mean you should stop taking it, just means that it is even more important to address the problem. It was a lifesaver for a bipolar friend of mine, but it isn't enough. Friend also takes gabapentin, lamotrigine, and amitriptyline. Also has diazepam for panic attacks.
posted by monopas at 12:30 AM on April 26, 2017
I don't have bipolar but I do have anxiety and your Ask really resonated with me. That feeling of being out of control with worry is just awful.
She has suggested thinking positive thoughts to counter the negative ones, and meditation.
Fuck that noise and fuck whoever said this to you. If you could simply think positive thoughts instead of negative ones, you wouldn't be a person with anxiety.
I haven't decided yet because it all boils down to how expensive it is - would it be more worth it to go and, er, 'invest' in a therapist or to have pills to help me when I'm having an 'episode' or to not go with either and just handle it by myself?
Therapy is super expensive so I feel you here. I do think that it's worthwhile, though. Many therapists will ask for weekly appointments, but it's okay to say "I can only afford to see you [once/twice] per month."
Having some Xanax at home is actually a big comfort for me when my anxiety is bad. I don't take it often, but knowing that I can take it if I need to is very soothing. I get 10 low-dose pills at a time, and my PCP always tells me that making sure I'm using the Xanax safely is her job, not mine.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 5:28 AM on April 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
She has suggested thinking positive thoughts to counter the negative ones, and meditation.
Fuck that noise and fuck whoever said this to you. If you could simply think positive thoughts instead of negative ones, you wouldn't be a person with anxiety.
I haven't decided yet because it all boils down to how expensive it is - would it be more worth it to go and, er, 'invest' in a therapist or to have pills to help me when I'm having an 'episode' or to not go with either and just handle it by myself?
Therapy is super expensive so I feel you here. I do think that it's worthwhile, though. Many therapists will ask for weekly appointments, but it's okay to say "I can only afford to see you [once/twice] per month."
Having some Xanax at home is actually a big comfort for me when my anxiety is bad. I don't take it often, but knowing that I can take it if I need to is very soothing. I get 10 low-dose pills at a time, and my PCP always tells me that making sure I'm using the Xanax safely is her job, not mine.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 5:28 AM on April 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
Also!
But how do I turn the negative into positive?
I don't think you can force this and it's also not this simple. When you get your anxiety under control you will naturally start thinking more positive thoughts relative to negative thoughts.
My PCP encourages me to keep a gratitude journal, which is a nice way to help encourage positive thinking. But it's not enough on its own - meds and therapy are a must!
How do I even begin meditating?
I like the Headspace App quite a bit for this. I'm still not "good" at meditating but just sitting quietly for 10 mins really calms my worry.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 5:31 AM on April 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
But how do I turn the negative into positive?
I don't think you can force this and it's also not this simple. When you get your anxiety under control you will naturally start thinking more positive thoughts relative to negative thoughts.
My PCP encourages me to keep a gratitude journal, which is a nice way to help encourage positive thinking. But it's not enough on its own - meds and therapy are a must!
How do I even begin meditating?
I like the Headspace App quite a bit for this. I'm still not "good" at meditating but just sitting quietly for 10 mins really calms my worry.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 5:31 AM on April 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
I used clonopin in the past and it was very helpful. I knew I didn't want to become dependent and my doctor prescribed them to take on as as-needed basis. I got to the point where it was calming just to know I had them. I could be doing something I find anxiety-inducing, like getting on a plane, and think "I could take a clonopin" but then I'd think "I'm okay right now, I've got it if I need it."
I stopped using them when I changed cities and doctors and my life became a bit more peaceful. I didn't have any issues with stopping.
Tell your doctor you need help with your anxiety but you're concerned about becoming dependent on a drug. Have a conversation. Some people *do* become dependent - it's a risk. But not everyone does, and your doctor is in the best position to help balance the risk and the reward.
posted by bunderful at 5:55 AM on April 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
I stopped using them when I changed cities and doctors and my life became a bit more peaceful. I didn't have any issues with stopping.
Tell your doctor you need help with your anxiety but you're concerned about becoming dependent on a drug. Have a conversation. Some people *do* become dependent - it's a risk. But not everyone does, and your doctor is in the best position to help balance the risk and the reward.
posted by bunderful at 5:55 AM on April 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
Nthing meditation - and Headspace - it has really helped me not invent the worst case scenario in my head every minute of the day. But I agree with the others and don't believe that being medicated is something to be so afraid of. It's okay if this will help you - you're not going to the doctor solely for the purpose of getting more meds.
(This is a small thing but I have a device now that listens for smoke detectors going off in the house and alerts me/calls the fire department if I don't cancel out of it - as someone who actually did almost burn the house down a few years ago, this has helped me tremendously.)
posted by getawaysticks at 6:37 AM on April 26, 2017
(This is a small thing but I have a device now that listens for smoke detectors going off in the house and alerts me/calls the fire department if I don't cancel out of it - as someone who actually did almost burn the house down a few years ago, this has helped me tremendously.)
posted by getawaysticks at 6:37 AM on April 26, 2017
Hi, fellow anxiety sufferer. I have taken benzos in the past and had similar concerns, so I asked my doctor if there were any anti-anxiety meds that weren't potentially addictive. She put me on 15 mg of buspirone (Buspar) twice daily. I've been on it for about 18 months and I have noticed a substantial reduction in my intrusive thoughts. I am also on Wellbutrin for depression, and it seems to cut down on a lot of the negative thinking that leads to anxiety. It might be worth trying first. Then, if it doesn't work, you could supplement with benzos or switch to one. It's better to be on benzos than to be anxious.
The buspar has reduced my anxiety to the point that I can head off a panic attack with a cup of chamomile tea and 3-4 valerian root capsules. Of course YMMV, and you might find that benzos help more--in which case, take 'em!
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 6:51 AM on April 26, 2017
The buspar has reduced my anxiety to the point that I can head off a panic attack with a cup of chamomile tea and 3-4 valerian root capsules. Of course YMMV, and you might find that benzos help more--in which case, take 'em!
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 6:51 AM on April 26, 2017
When a psychiatrist offers you clonazepam, you probably really, really need it. They don't hand it out like candy.
Some absolutely do. some were trained a few decades ago and never changed their habits, and some don't care. For every doctor who completely does not care about your suffering, there's another one who doesn't care about any consequences as long as you go away happy today. Trust the doctors you have good history with and that you feel are trustworthy, but don't trust them because no psychiatrist would ever do anything risky.
that said, benzos work. If you cannot stand it anymore and you need a break, take the prescription and take a pill. Absolutely. They will work best if you're able to take one every few days but not more frequently, or round the clock but not for more than a few days at a time. I only say this because you won't know how quickly, or if at all, you'll become tolerant and need a higher dose for the same effect until it happens.
If there is any manifestation of your physical anxiety (not the thought part of it) that is predictable -- if you can't go certain places or can't go to sleep because you get panic symptoms every time -- consider asking about beta blockers too. They don't feel good and calming like benzos do -- they don't feel like anything at all, really -- but if you take one at the right time, the racing heart and all the rest of it just don't happen. They are also easy to get prescribed and not physically addictive. It can be nice to figure out how much of the anxiety is purely mental and how much is feedback between the mental and the physical symptoms. (I have no opinion on this personally, but some people seem to think anxiety perpetuates itself because the brain is forced to produce a story to explain the physical reaction -- much like you can superimpose a retrospective narrative over some disconnected dream images, your brain will offer you reasons for why you feel paralyzed and terrified and sick, even if it has to make them up.)
Whatever you choose, it is completely a good idea to take something that lets you be calm enough to benefit from therapy or any other self-relaxation technique you may want to try.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:44 AM on April 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Some people *do* become dependent - it's a risk.
But even if that happens, it's not the worst thing! I once had a benzo dependency, I took clonezepam for years and it was very, very difficult to get off of it.
You know what? I also needed it. I couldn't leave the house before! That's no way to live. It helped me do the work of learning how to leave the house and go out in the world. I got towed out, and the mechanics helped me fix up. Then, when I could function, I did the work of coming off the medication. Sure, it was extra work, and maybe I could have taken a different medication, but now I can leave the house, go out in the world, and I no longer take clonazepam.
I know that catastrophizing comes easily, but the problem you have right now is that you are paralyzed with anxiety. Your problem is not that you have a medication dependency. That hasn't happened, and if it does, you'll deal with it. Right now you need whatever help you can get, and your doctor is offering you some.
posted by epanalepsis at 8:27 AM on April 26, 2017 [11 favorites]
But even if that happens, it's not the worst thing! I once had a benzo dependency, I took clonezepam for years and it was very, very difficult to get off of it.
You know what? I also needed it. I couldn't leave the house before! That's no way to live. It helped me do the work of learning how to leave the house and go out in the world. I got towed out, and the mechanics helped me fix up. Then, when I could function, I did the work of coming off the medication. Sure, it was extra work, and maybe I could have taken a different medication, but now I can leave the house, go out in the world, and I no longer take clonazepam.
I know that catastrophizing comes easily, but the problem you have right now is that you are paralyzed with anxiety. Your problem is not that you have a medication dependency. That hasn't happened, and if it does, you'll deal with it. Right now you need whatever help you can get, and your doctor is offering you some.
posted by epanalepsis at 8:27 AM on April 26, 2017 [11 favorites]
Just nthing that "thinking positive thoughts to counter the negative ones" is terrible advice even if you were dead-set on treating your anxiety with therapy instead of drugs. It's the kind of thing that sounds totally reasonable to someone with zero experience treating actual anxiety, but trying to block out negative thoughts with positive ones could actually make your anxiety worse. Modern approaches would probably involve things like identifying distortions in your thinking (like catastrophizing, etc.), thinking through "to the end" of your worries instead of stopping when you get to the scary part, attempting to "feel" or "experience" the anxiety without necessarily "believing" it, etc. Sorry for inexact phrasing, just a fellow traveler and not a therapist myself. But a decent therapist would be able to guide you through adding tools like those to your mental toolkit.
I know a lot of people who use benzos occasionally for anxiety "spikes" under the care of a pdoc and who are not addicted to them. Therapy can also be very effective for anxiety, and if you decide against benzos you don't have to take them by any means -- but as it is now, porque no los dos? Drugs and therapy together can be more effective than either individually.
posted by en forme de poire at 3:40 PM on April 26, 2017
I know a lot of people who use benzos occasionally for anxiety "spikes" under the care of a pdoc and who are not addicted to them. Therapy can also be very effective for anxiety, and if you decide against benzos you don't have to take them by any means -- but as it is now, porque no los dos? Drugs and therapy together can be more effective than either individually.
posted by en forme de poire at 3:40 PM on April 26, 2017
I have diagnosed anxiety, and was prescribed SNRI medication instead of benzos. I had previously tried positive thinking and it was completely useless because I wasn't capable of it at the time and no amount of good will or effort I put in could make it happen. I was like a speedboat at full throttle, but tied to the jetty still - maximum effort, no result. I nearly killed myself trying.
Then I tried therapy, and CBT gave me some relief, but my doctor said that although I was following instructions perfectly I wasn't getting any progress. Medication was the only thing that calmed me down enough to let the therapy work.
It's not that you should just swallow whatever pill is flung at you, but that you don't have to become that person and medication is a useful way to stop that from happening. You don't have to live like this. I know, because I frequently look back at my past and wonder how I put up with it for so long and feel so grateful that I found what worked for me. Medication isn't magic, it has side effects that must be dealt with; but I know from personal experience that it's better than paralysed shame. You and your doctor know better what is best for you than anyone else.
posted by harriet vane at 8:04 AM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Then I tried therapy, and CBT gave me some relief, but my doctor said that although I was following instructions perfectly I wasn't getting any progress. Medication was the only thing that calmed me down enough to let the therapy work.
It's not that you should just swallow whatever pill is flung at you, but that you don't have to become that person and medication is a useful way to stop that from happening. You don't have to live like this. I know, because I frequently look back at my past and wonder how I put up with it for so long and feel so grateful that I found what worked for me. Medication isn't magic, it has side effects that must be dealt with; but I know from personal experience that it's better than paralysed shame. You and your doctor know better what is best for you than anyone else.
posted by harriet vane at 8:04 AM on April 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Oh, honey. I'm so sorry you're suffering through all this.
I have Bipolar, OCD, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, and Social Phobia. I absolutely understand what you're dealing with. And it sucks large.
Here's what hit me the most: "She has suggested thinking positive thoughts to counter the negative ones, and meditation."
That's like saying to someone with a broken arm, "If you just tell yourself your arm isn't broken, you'll be fine."
What helps me, aside from the multiple drugs we're juggling, is a clip from a book my therapist had me work through, called Mind Over Mood. It's total CBT, and really helped a lot when I had Conversion Disorder a few years ago. This particular clip is a list of "questions to help find evidence that does not support your hot thought."
So you're thinking "I'm worthless, I'm stupid, I'm never going to be good enough." Where's the proof of that? Challenge the negative thoughts. Try to objectively prove that they're false. Then you're better able to dismiss the negative thought as a lie.
Here's the list of questions:
* Have I had any experiences that show that this thought is not completely true all the time?
* If my best friend or someone I love had this thought, what would I tell them?
* If my best friend or someone who loves me knew I was thinking this thought, what would they say to me? What evidence would they point out to me that would suggest that my thoughts were not 100% true?
* When I am not feeling this way, do I think about this type of situation any differently? How?
* When i have felt this way in the past, what did I think about that helped me feel better?
* Have I been in this type of situation before? What happened? Is there anything different between this situation and previous ones? What have I learned from prior experiences that could help me now?
* Are there any s mall things that contradict my thoughts that I might be discounting as not important? * Five years from now, if I look back at this situation, will I look at it any differently? Will I focus on any different part of my experience?
* Are there any strengths or positives in me or the situation that I am ignoring?
* Am I jumping to any conclusions in column 3 and 4 that are not completely justified by the evidence? (There's a worksheet in the book that has you identifying thoughts, feelings, evidence, etc.)
* Am I blaming myself for something over which I do not have complete control?
I'm a big fan of better living through the miracles of modern pharmaceuticals. I'm currently on 3 mood stabilizers and an anti-anxiety drug, and recently did a round of Clonazepam. I was terrified of it, because addiction runs hard through my family. I spent 23 years smoking and I'll be damned if I'm going to get hooked on anything ever again. But for a short time, it helped immensely. At least, until it didn't. At my next appointment with my psychiatrist, in a couple weeks, I'm going to ask about trying something else, because I'm currently having 2-4 panic attacks a day, which, on top of the manic episode I'm in, is completely exhausting.
Another thing that helps me is Post-It Notes. I have probably over 100 Post-It Notes all over my room. I want to be able to see the ideas I'm trying to incultate into myself wherever I look. The ones that I think might be most appropriate for you:
* Don't believe everything you think
* This is my life now. What's next?
* I'm not what happened to me. I'm what I choose to become.
* Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage...
* You're a diamond, dear. They can't break you.
The last thing that helps is talking to other people who have mental illness, who've learned coping methods that I haven't, who are successfully (give or take) living life with their mental illness. I go to 7 Cups, where they have one-on-one chats, group chat rooms, forums, self-help guides, and more.
Hang in there, friend. It gets better.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 10:21 AM on May 11, 2017
I have Bipolar, OCD, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, and Social Phobia. I absolutely understand what you're dealing with. And it sucks large.
Here's what hit me the most: "She has suggested thinking positive thoughts to counter the negative ones, and meditation."
That's like saying to someone with a broken arm, "If you just tell yourself your arm isn't broken, you'll be fine."
What helps me, aside from the multiple drugs we're juggling, is a clip from a book my therapist had me work through, called Mind Over Mood. It's total CBT, and really helped a lot when I had Conversion Disorder a few years ago. This particular clip is a list of "questions to help find evidence that does not support your hot thought."
So you're thinking "I'm worthless, I'm stupid, I'm never going to be good enough." Where's the proof of that? Challenge the negative thoughts. Try to objectively prove that they're false. Then you're better able to dismiss the negative thought as a lie.
Here's the list of questions:
* Have I had any experiences that show that this thought is not completely true all the time?
* If my best friend or someone I love had this thought, what would I tell them?
* If my best friend or someone who loves me knew I was thinking this thought, what would they say to me? What evidence would they point out to me that would suggest that my thoughts were not 100% true?
* When I am not feeling this way, do I think about this type of situation any differently? How?
* When i have felt this way in the past, what did I think about that helped me feel better?
* Have I been in this type of situation before? What happened? Is there anything different between this situation and previous ones? What have I learned from prior experiences that could help me now?
* Are there any s mall things that contradict my thoughts that I might be discounting as not important? * Five years from now, if I look back at this situation, will I look at it any differently? Will I focus on any different part of my experience?
* Are there any strengths or positives in me or the situation that I am ignoring?
* Am I jumping to any conclusions in column 3 and 4 that are not completely justified by the evidence? (There's a worksheet in the book that has you identifying thoughts, feelings, evidence, etc.)
* Am I blaming myself for something over which I do not have complete control?
I'm a big fan of better living through the miracles of modern pharmaceuticals. I'm currently on 3 mood stabilizers and an anti-anxiety drug, and recently did a round of Clonazepam. I was terrified of it, because addiction runs hard through my family. I spent 23 years smoking and I'll be damned if I'm going to get hooked on anything ever again. But for a short time, it helped immensely. At least, until it didn't. At my next appointment with my psychiatrist, in a couple weeks, I'm going to ask about trying something else, because I'm currently having 2-4 panic attacks a day, which, on top of the manic episode I'm in, is completely exhausting.
Another thing that helps me is Post-It Notes. I have probably over 100 Post-It Notes all over my room. I want to be able to see the ideas I'm trying to incultate into myself wherever I look. The ones that I think might be most appropriate for you:
* Don't believe everything you think
* This is my life now. What's next?
* I'm not what happened to me. I'm what I choose to become.
* Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage...
* You're a diamond, dear. They can't break you.
The last thing that helps is talking to other people who have mental illness, who've learned coping methods that I haven't, who are successfully (give or take) living life with their mental illness. I go to 7 Cups, where they have one-on-one chats, group chat rooms, forums, self-help guides, and more.
Hang in there, friend. It gets better.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 10:21 AM on May 11, 2017
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It is also worth finding a therapist who can teach you some coping skills to head off some of these intrusive thoughts and/or help you figure out if some larger theme in your life might be driving them. But if you're too busy worrying about your dogs getting run over, you won't be able to engage with these activities in a useful way.
This sounds terrible and I am so sorry you are going through this.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 6:50 PM on April 25, 2017 [12 favorites]