Tips on Coming to Terms with Sexuality? And a bit of other stuff..

March 28, 2017 12:46 AM

I'm a woman in my early twenties who is experiencing attraction to women and I'm confused. I’m feeling attraction towards my best friend who is bisexual, but I’m not sure if I should act on it, due to morality and fears that she won’t be receptive. How can I explore this identity without acting in ways I might regret? I’d like to build my confidence before I become apathetic towards myself or stifle a part of myself.

I feel confused about how it’s taken me so long to realize this, and worry that I’m a fraud for not previously identifying openly as queer.

I've always been a bit of a late-bloomer, romance-wise. I am sexually attracted to people but not in the same needful way as many of my peers. I’ve gone the last two years without sex and I’m okay with that, but I still experience sexual attraction. I experienced multiple traumatic events during my teens and I think I’ve learned to cast romance and sexuality as unimportant to my identity unless I am in a relationship, just to make my life easier. I had a three-year relationship with my ex-boyfriend whom I loved, but before and after that relationship I have rarely acted on any romantic or sexual impulses. Now, I fear that my repressed sexual identity is bubbling up and I'm not sure how to navigate it.

I've wondered whether I'm bi for a while now, but anytime I've tried to imagine having sex with a woman my brain has almost literally shut it down. I have no idea why. I have been vocal about the fact that I think I could fall in love with a woman, but that I didn't know if I thought it would happen. I live in a house with five queer people, and my best friend is also bisexual. My immediate family would all be accepting if I were to come out.

Recently, I finally did visualize having sex with a woman, and I realized I’m attracted to it. This realization illuminated that past habits have probably been a manifestation of my unexplored sexual identity. For instance, my journal includes a few fictional retellings of my real-life experiences that were edited to include me kissing a woman. When I was younger, I had multiple female friendships that felt unbalanced and almost like a partnership. They were completely platonic, but I was always a little more invested than they were and it hurt my feelings when that wasn't reciprocated. I think my repressed feelings have led to crushes on my friends. Even when they are straight, and/or they aren't people that I'd actually like to be in a long-term relationship with, I can tell I’ve been craving the intimacy.

One of my main sources of confusion with this is with my relationship with my best friend, who is bisexual. I told her when I met her last year that I thought i was mostly straight, but unsure, and that I’d never had a vivid sexual fantasy of me and another woman. (Though honestly, I’ve thought things close to that. I don’t know why I didn’t mention this). Because I’d admitted to not having these fantasies and because I had fantasies about men, she concluded that I’m straight. She even told me that she actively made a choice to not be attracted to me earlier on in our relationship, because she knows I’m straight and doesn’t want to put strain on our friendship.

The problem is, I didn’t make any sort of active choice like this because I didn’t know for sure if I was attracted to women. I can tell that I am now, and lately I’ve been feeling attraction towards her. I also love her; she’s my best friend. I don’t know if loving her and feeling attraction towards her means that I have strong romantic feelings towards her, or if I’m attracted to the fact that she’s open about her sexuality and our relationship offers me intimacy. Most of the time, it seems like people are attracted first and love comes later. In this situation, I feel like love came first and attraction was realized later. I’d like to figure this out before i mention anything to her about my sexuality, but I feel like my dishonesty is detracting from the openness of our relationship, which was, until a month ago, it’s strength.

I don’t know how to tell her this because my experience with my sexuality is so different from hers and I fear that I won’t be seen as valid. I don’t even know if I should see myself as valid, or if I should just try to go back to not thinking about it and see what ends up being my next relationship. Objectively, I think everyone should see themselves as valid, but I’m confused about whether or not what I’m feeling is real.

Does any of this seem normal? I’m usually good at seeing things in an objective context, but this is something I’ve left untouched for so long that I don’t know where to start. Several queer people are in my life and they all knew/accepted that they were attracted to the same sex when they were younger than I am now. I don’t feel like I fit into a narrative, but I guess no one really does. Is there anything, besides therapy that I can’t currently afford, that I can do to accept this part of myself? I want to feel more comfortable in my identity without stifling it.

Many thanks in advance, xx

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total)

You are valid!

Everyone has a different story. I've found it really interesting meeting a range of L/B women and hearing their experiences, many of them had straight marriages, children etc. before realising what they wanted. So not that it really matters, but in the grand scale of things, early twenties is not late!

It's difficult (but I suspect very common) when these first realisations are tangled up with attraction to a close friend. Do you think any of the other queer people in your life might be supportive as a sounding board at this time? Just to give you a bit of space to work through these thoughts. I also met some interesting people through Meetup groups when I moved to a new city. I found this a good way to meet people less like me (and probably likely to eg. have a wider range of coming out stories than you've heard so far). Since you mentioned moral issues, if you're from a specific background or faith that's affecting how you feel, that might also have its own LGBT group.

From this gay internet stranger, it sounds SO normal! I know lots of people who look back now and think "the signs were there", but it's often only in hindsight that you can start seeing how those signs fit together. Personally I've found most comfort in queer friends, and exploring all the gay media I can find, from books to trashy online web series to mainstream films, to following lesbians on twitter and instagram. Hopefully you'll find some narratives that you can relate or aspire to.

Kudos to you for taking the massive first step of deciding to start thinking about these things, it will be so worth it :) I have no advice about your friend, but hopefully if you can start to feel a bit more comfortable yourself, the way to bring things up with her might become clear.

Good luck! xx
posted by limoncello at 1:34 AM on March 28, 2017 [4 favorites]

Fantasy doesn't equal desire. Take it from a dyke who jerks off to gay dude porn and can't visualize at all (thanks aphantasia)! What you see in your head isn't a reflection of what your whole self wants.

You are thinking, analyzing, obsessing so hard right now. I did too, back when being queer was all theoretical. Some of us learn by doing. Maybe you're the same! What you need is an experience. Find a cute crush; talk about your fears; consent, cuddle, kiss. If it feels good you have your answer. If it doesn't, you know that too.

I thought I was bisexual until I had sex with cis men. Something wasn't right. I liked them all, even loved one – but it never quite clicked. The pangs of lust were real, but not for them. I thought, "Oh, maybe it was just an off night. Maybe this one's bad in bed. Maybe we lack chemistry." But I was adventurous, giving and game. Surely they couldn't all be bad choices? I concluded after many tries: it was me.

That feeling of apathy? Detachment? (Paralysis?) That was the feeling of *not being turned on.* I didn't know any better. How could I? I was surrounded by straight peers, straight media. I'd never had a different kind of experience. Romance was a lie, surely those heady feelings of bliss were exaggerated? I had never felt those. Quietly I squashed my sexuality down. I began to think I had a low sex drive. I was just "a late bloomer, interested in other things."

Gaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy.

The first time I kissed a woman – not a woman I was particularly into, mind you – my heart SURGED. I could feel it. Click!

Stop all this analysis. Let your body lead. Anyway, what's wrong with regret? A mistake is a tool. True in sex as in math. If you conduct yourself with honesty and compassion, you have nothing to fear. Tell your friend!
posted by fritillary at 1:57 AM on March 28, 2017 [28 favorites]

I think one thing that might help you is to think about the fact that these categories are not objective realities, so much as words we've stumbled upon that attempt to describe something that is so personal, subjective, in-the-moment, chaotic, ephemeral, that it can't really be put into words.

In my experience, the only way to know what turns me on is to actually try things with real people. Even that is unpredictable, because if I'm in a weird mood, the same person might not seem attractive anymore. This shit is so confusing!! I've kissed a couple women and way more men, and only with the men did I feel like I was kissing (and even then, only 2 or 3 of them). When you kiss someone and you're not attracted to them, it feels like you're eating a piece of fruit (weird way to say it but that's how it feels to me). it's like, oh there's a wet smushy thing near my face, ok. Whereas when you feel the heat with someone, it's like, Oh, please take me deeper into your mouth.

I'm also a late bloomer with regards to sexuality and there's nothing wrong with it..."Normal" doesn't exist. Just know that if you go sexual with your best friend, you may lose the friendship down the line, especially if it's your first experience.

if I’m attracted to the fact that she’s open about her sexuality and our relationship offers me intimacy.
trust yourself on this one.... you've described exactly how you feel towards her in very clear words...it's possible to feel this way and not want more sexual experiences with her!! I know we're not used to hearing about those types of friendships, but they're out there and they can exist on their own without becoming sexual!

I say try to figure this out on your own before you go for your best friend. it's too big of a risk to take! but i must admit that i'm just as confused about this as you are, and i'm 29. hehe
posted by winterportage at 5:56 AM on March 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

Also just wanted to point out, you might be feeling like a late bloomer, and that you have to "come to terms with your sexuality", because of the company you keep. I've spent a lot of time with "queer" people and it can be intimidating at times because if you're not as overtly sexual, you can be judged for being less "sexually liberated," when in reality you're just introverted, shy, reserved, private, whatever it may be, and it's valid to be that way too. not all queer people are necessarily better friends, more understanding, more open minded, or more wise, even if that's what they purport to be. You're still pretty young and I don't think you need to feel in a rush to "come to terms " with anything.. You have your whole life to do that. Also, experimentation is, at times, overrated and leads to bad memories. Don't push yourself to do anything other than what literally makes you feel wet in the pants. And even then, it's ok to step back and decide not to do that. You don't have to have a lot of sex and you don't have to kiss a lot of people, and it's ok to wait until you find someone that you are really interested in.
posted by winterportage at 6:06 AM on March 28, 2017 [5 favorites]

It is absolutely normal to a) discover a part of your identity at any point in your life and b) for your identity to shift throughout your life. Not everyone experiences either of these, but a lot of people do. You can identify as bi, queer, pan, questioning, lesbian--however you want--because you are the only authority on you. Some folks get push back on this from the community and that is shitty. I hope you don't encounter that.

Don't blame yourself for not figuring this out sooner. It's not a race and the answer isn't always the same. Maybe you were not sexually attracted to women when you were younger. Maybe you were and were unable to identify it. Maybe you had some pre-attraction to women that grew into what you've got now. Those are all legitimate and do not erase what you're feeling now.

You can broach the subject with your friend a little at a time without diving into whether she'd be into a sexual relationship with you. Next time you're talking about sexuality or romance or dating, bring up your current attraction to women. You could tie in a time or two in your past that you think ties into your new feelings. Let her know that you're exploring a different part of your sexuality now. Talking about that may give you a better idea of whether you want to pursue something romantic with her--or with another woman.
posted by carrioncomfort at 7:47 AM on March 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

Well, I went for my best friend when I was in my early twenties and she went for me and it was fun and we're still friends although we both turn out to be pretty much straight and in fact she has three kids now and lives in BFE. I say quit thinking about all this and get to dreaming and frolicking. Soon you'll be 50 and all of this angst will be misty faraway happy golden memory.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:42 AM on March 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

I have been vaguely aware that I wasn't 100% straight for a long time, but never was super into any women I met, and I assumed I was a 1 on the Kinsey Scale. As it turns out in my mid-late 30s I met a woman that I'm SUPER ATTRACTED to an hey there! I feel pretty bisexual.

You're valid. I'm valid. It's all fine. We all get there, where ever there happens to be.
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:57 AM on March 28, 2017 [3 favorites]

Please don't let tumblr be your metric for "late blooming", not only for yourself but for other people who might overhear you. It is fantastic that many kids now get enough information to even know there's something other than straight and cis by the time puberty arrives. Some don't get to know that. Some don't realize it might apply to them until they are 20 or 70, and they are still valid people with valid sexual identities both before and after, just as you are.

That said, strong recommendation to not fuck your friends if you want to stay friends. Having a crush on someone doesn't mean you need to act on it (or at least not instantly), and women spend a lot of their lives having "friends" who suddenly decide they get to have more, and it's painful and not great for trust. There are plenty of women in the sea and on land and in the air, we're just all over the place and we're all getting queerer by the minute.

(That said, the friendships you have in your early 20s will rarely survive your 20s, so scorch some earth if you really want to, but be mindful that she's a person with feelings of her own.)

I remember the lightning bolt (when I was a wizened 21 years old) and the feeling of OH SHIT WHAT DO I DO/NOW I MUST COME! TO! TERMS! WITH MAH DREADFUL GIRLFEELINGS! but actually it's fine, you are not on a deadline, and people really do still have sex after the age of 25 without breaking a hip or crumbling into dust. There's no deadline, you're free to be who and what you want at your own pace, and change that definition a hundred times.

The feeling you're feeling is the terror of having to define yourself for yourself rather than everything you just sort of accepted as baseline from our general culture, and it was doomed to happen regardless of your sexual orientation because the transition stages from child to semi-child to semi-adult to adult are hard and confusing and you thought you were going to turn 21 and know everything and whoops, now everything you know is wrong. It's not going to be the last time, so now is a good time to learn and practice the coping and self-care skills you'll need your whole life for these weird detours.

Do some journaling (privately is the best way), do some reading, take your time. You don't *have* to do a single thing about this if you don't want to, or if you want some time to think before you're ready.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:51 AM on March 28, 2017 [7 favorites]

Hey! For starters, here's where I'm coming from in answering: I came out to myself/others as bi at about 20-22. I am now 30 and identify as queer/lesbian. My choice of identity words, and my actual attractions, have both shifted over time; and I'm at ease with the idea that they'll continue shifting throughout my life.

With that said, I very clearly remember having some of the feelings you describe. In particular, what you mention around visualizing stuff came up for me as well when I was having early questioning thoughts, at about 18-20. I was really concerned with what I fantasized about spontaneously vs. on purpose, what mental images turned me on, things like that. I'm not sure why or when I kindof let go of or moved on from that focus on visualizations and fantasy, but at some point it became a lot less important to me. (It might have been as I started to see myself as a part of a gay/queer community, or as I stopped questioning/doubting myself.) As it turns out, what I am attracted to in people and the kinds of sexual and romantic relationships I want in my life have nothing to do with the kinds of visualizations and fantasies I'm prone to/interested in! Like, really. No connection. So what I'm writing to say is both that it seems really normal to me to be very concerned with this stuff at the point you're at... but also that I think it's important not to get too hung up on it, and not to feel like that is what invalidates you. It does not invalidate you! Not everything has to match.

As far as your friend, she gets demerit points from me for "concluding that you're straight." She doesn't get to decide! There are as many experiences with sexuality as there are people with non-normative sexual orientations/identities. Sometimes within one small group, all of the coming out/coming to terms stories seem really uniform... but once you get outside your bubble a bit, there's really a huge variety out there in the world. Your friend may or may not have encountered that yet. Either way, I hope that if you decide to tell her what you're feeling now, she validates you and accepts you. That's definitely what should happen.

As far as whether to tell her or not, I'm not sure what kind of advice to give. But I'd encourage you not to feel like you have to wait until you've figured everything out perfectly before making any decisions or having any conversations about this. The way you're going to figure it out is by living through it! For some of us (you, me, and plenty of others) this is tough; for me, the hardest part was the time when I kept it all in my head and heart. Once I started talking with friends and making active life choices related to how I was feeling, suddenly it all got much easier. I don't know if that will be the same for you, but it's a possibility I'd encourage you to consider.

Feel free to memail me any time if you'd like someone to talk to.
posted by snorkmaiden at 9:47 PM on March 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

It took the better part of 5 years, and some hands-on experience, for me to go from, "Huh, I think I might be vaguely bisexual but I am in love with this man so I'm gonna ignore that for now" to "Oh my god I am so gay." There is nothing wrong with being curious or experimenting, at any age. I would talk to your queer friends (not just the one you're attracted to) and get their advice and encouragement.
posted by coppermoss at 3:49 PM on March 29, 2017