How do I get ex out of my house?
March 26, 2017 8:07 PM   Subscribe

I have finally broken up with my boyfrien. After over a year of unemployment, he had gotten a job, but I still felt things were off. He would lie to me about holes in the wall and say they were there from the beginning, but I just was not paying attention. He has lied about holes in walls and trash and furniture in a similar fashion. He has made me feel sexually inferior and treats me in a way that feels like he has all of the control even after I paid all the bills for that year. Each time I would try to break up before he told me that it wasn't fair and that I was taking away his ability to be happy.

He is repeating that now and telling me that I am a selfish person who is never happen. He will not leave the apartments and is on the lease. What do I do?
posted by wasurenagusa to Human Relations (15 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite on the lease. What do I do?
I would start looking to find a new place and move out myself.
posted by flourpot at 8:27 PM on March 26, 2017 [29 favorites]

"out of my house" and "is on the lease" are at odds with each other. The easier of these to fix is probably the perception of "my house," sadly. It isn't likely to truly be your house while he is on the lease.

Are you on the lease too? If not, take the straightforward solution and leave.

If you are on the lease, then you need to figure out what steps are necessary to get off it. This is likely to involve some more heaping of "unfairness" and making him even less happy, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Life's too short.
posted by jgreco at 9:02 PM on March 26, 2017 [6 favorites]

You need to extricate yourself from this relationship. If he will not leave, you must. You don't specify if you are male or female, but I would encourage you to seek support and help from any organisation in your area that assists folks that are trying to get out of an abusive relationship. It will be very helpful to you to talk to people who have seen this type of thing before and can give you guidance in how to keep yourself safe. Please believe that you are a good and worthy person, and that you do not deserve to be treated like this.
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 9:06 PM on March 26, 2017 [6 favorites]

Practical considerations, that may help people answer your question:

1. Are you on the lease as well, or is his the only name on the lease?
2. When does the lease expire?
3. What state are you in? State laws are relevant here.

If he will not leave, you must.

Seconding this. It will be a pain and an imposition, and it will be unfair, but it will be worth it.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 10:55 PM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]

Also, from now on, listen to nothing - nothing - this guy says.

You've broken up with him, he has no right to any opinion on how you live your life or the choices you make. You can literally disregard everything he says. The effects of your choices on him are not your problem and you don't need to care one iota about what those effects are.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 10:58 PM on March 26, 2017 [20 favorites]

This guy sounds like bad news... I agree with the advice above, ignore what he says - you've broken up, just ignore him!

It is not really possible to physically move someone out of your apartment, also difficult to persuade him to leave if he is as resistant to logic as he sounds... If I were you, I would move all my stuff out, check into an AirBnB, and avoid him for 6 months (at least!).

Is your name on the lease?
- If not, you can really just escape and make a clean break
- If your name IS on the lease, can you call your landlord and arrange get yourself off the lease? Do you have savings? Can you afford to get a lawyer?
posted by Crookshanks_Meow at 1:40 AM on March 27, 2017 [1 favorite]

Do you know anyone who has a couch you can crash on? I think your best bet is to just get out of there now and then find a new place to live. It's going to be really hard to do this while you still live with him.

If your name is on the lease, explain things to the landlord and try to get your name off. If your name's not on the lease, just move all your stuff out when he's not home. Get someone to help you.

Good luck. You're not selfish!!
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:10 AM on March 27, 2017 [3 favorites]

He is being emotionally abusive, and assuming those are holes he punched into the walls, may beckons physically abusive too. Do you have a domestic violence shelter nearby? They should have suggestions for lawyers, therapists, etc. Please get away from him as fast as you can.
posted by snickerdoodle at 3:12 AM on March 27, 2017 [2 favorites]

If you want to stay: there are housing law protections in places that may be helpful depending on where you live. I recommend calling local legal services if you income qualify. Otherwise a short consult with a housing law attorney may help. Be prepared to safety plan if you go forward this route as, based on what you write above, there may be a strong negative or potentially violent response. I cannot define things for you, but if it feels appropriate I second reaching out for DV-based support. You can call the National DV Hotline and they should be able to direst you to an appropriate local resource.
posted by anya32 at 5:58 AM on March 27, 2017

what are the terms of your lease and when does it end? what state are you in? does your landlord know you personally, and is he or she likely to sympathize if you try to get out of the lease? i'm a landlord and if someone came to me in your situation, i would try to help, as much as i could afford to do.

if he's punching holes in the wall or otherwise damaging the home you're renting, i bet the landlord would love to know about that. maybe it will get him kicked out. i would not hesitate to evict someone who was willfully destroying property by punching holes in things, if i could do it legally. that depends very much on jurisdiction - in the state where i live, i could evict basically anyone with 30 days notice, but in a different state where my rental property is located, my tenants have a lot more protection under the law so it would take longer to evict, even justifiably/for cause.

if it's possible for you to just move out in a legal manner without owing your landlord a lot of money, then i would find a way to do that. your boyfriend is dangerous if he's punching holes in the wall and it already sounds like he is being emotionally abusive and verbally abusive.

moving out and maybe accumulating a little credit card debt to get away from this person sounds like it would be well worth it. can you go back to your family's place? can you stay with friends for a few weeks? can you look on craigslist for a roommate posting, or find someone who needs a room subletted for a few months? can you rent a room on airbnb? if you're paying all the bills, you might as well be by yourself, somewhere else, continuing to pay all the bills. forget the furniture you're leaving behind - just worry about your personal items, everything else can eventually be replaced later; a private room with a mattress on the floor AWAY from this guy is better than staying there and keeping all your stuff.

once your boyfriend realizes you're serious about leaving and can actually follow through on it, he is probably going to get upset - and there's a risk he might be violent or destructive. from what it sounds like, you pay for his stuff so he probably doesn't want you to leave for that reason on top of the fact that he's being abusive.

don't hesitate to call 911 if you feel unsafe or in any physical danger. right now might be a good time to make sure that you are the only one with keys to your car, that you have a spare set of keys to the house stored somewhere out of the house, and that your valuables (original financial documents, identification, bank and credit cards, benefit cards, your lease, any original paperwork you need for your job, computer, phone etc.) are stored somewhere safe. maybe you can put your valuables that you don't use every day at a trustworthy friend's house for the time being, that way even if he loses his temper he won't be able to mess with them.

even if you don't really feel like you're experiencing an actual domestic violence emergency right now, it's worth calling the hotline asap, because they can help you get legal advice and housing advice and point you to local resources.
posted by zdravo at 6:13 AM on March 27, 2017

Figure out how much he owes you, write it up and tell him that you plan to pursue your rights in small claims court (if you're in the US; your use of the word "apartments" makes me wonder if you live elsewhere). The purpose is to create a point of leverage to get him out, since you're unlikely to see that money anyway.

Your previous question mentioned that you both used to live with his mother before she decided to live on her own, prompting you to find and pay for this apartment (which gives me hope that the lease is in your name alone). She was probably delighted that you took over the work of supporting her quasi-alcoholic, violent freeloader son.

Nonetheless, he can go crash at his mother's place for the time being. Tell him so. Then call or, preferably, email her and inform her (literally "this is to inform you") that the relationship is over (no details), you will no longer support her son who at present owes you $x, that his last day in the apartment will be [whatever turns out to be legal]. Do, however, end by saying something kind to her (if that's how you feel) but that for obvious reasons this will be your last communication. Copy him. NB: Do not ask her to take him in; that's between them. The reason to do this isn't to set up help for your ex from his mother; it's to spare you problems when he gaslights her and/or tries to get her to intervene with you.
posted by carmicha at 6:33 AM on March 27, 2017

Also, you are going to feel so much lighter when this burden is lifted from your shoulders. This is truly an opportunity for you to focus on improving your own life, understanding yourself better, and taking steps towards fulfilling your personal wellness goals, educational ambitions and professional aspirations. Life may seem bleak now, but it's going to be so much better. Yes, there was emotional abuse in play, but it still took strength and a generous spirit to hold things together for this long... and now you can apply those traits to your own betterment. Be well.
posted by carmicha at 6:41 AM on March 27, 2017 [3 favorites]

In some states the landlord has to let you out of your lease if it's a domestic violence situation (if you are even on the lease). Calling a DV hotline is your first step. They may be able to assist you with finding alternate housing and applying for financial resources if applicable (e.g. food stamps, medicaid). It's still domestic violence even if he hasn't hit you, and even if you're not romantically involved. Hitting the wall is violence (as is emotional abuse). Don't wait until he does hit you.

Once you are away from him, get a temporary restraining order. The DV organization can help you with this, or a legal aid organization.
posted by AFABulous at 8:01 AM on March 27, 2017 [4 favorites]

If you think you need to stick to your guns about staying or it being your place consider this thought; being in the place that he occupied with you will force you to remember him constantly, which will force you to live with bad memories, and living with those memories and bad feelings will prolong your hurt and be a detriment to your ability to heal and move on. Imho it's better to be the one to move out, make a fresh start, and start making new memories in a new place. It might cost more than you'd like to spend right now, but the peace of mind is priceless.
posted by vignettist at 9:04 PM on March 27, 2017 [1 favorite]

He's a complete piece of crap. Get out, find a friend with a couch, anything. Gotta get away.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 11:46 PM on March 27, 2017

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