What's to forgive?

March 21, 2017 1:12 PM

An old high school friend sent in a friend request on Facebook. I had not responded because I am kind of tired of old high school friends on Facebook, you know? Then I get a message from him apologizing for his behavior back in high school....

...says he was just a "dumb guy" and he has thought about me a lot over the years and really just wanted to say sorry and he hopes I forgive him.

I vaguely recall that we fell out toward the end of high school but I don't really recall anything specific. I feel like he was fairly into my best friend but I can't even remember if they dated a little or at all. At the end of high school everyone scattered to far-flung places and I've only had a chance to see one or two friends in the 20-odd years and have never been back to that town so it's not weird that we didn't keep in touch or that we drifted away. He and I did not date.

How should I respond? Or should I? I feel bad that he has been tormented over something he did or thinks he did. Does he have the wrong girl? Do I not remember something? There's probably three guys that could owe me some apologies from that era of my life but not him. I don't know what to say or how to respond! Help!

posted by amanda to Human Relations (25 answers total)

Totally fine to not respond at all; or to say "hey Bob, no worries, I don't recall anything you need to apologize for, best wishes, bye!" and not answer further. [edit to add: there's a good chance he's looking for a flirtation more than for forgiveness, so I'd keep the message short.]
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:17 PM on March 21, 2017 [37 favorites]

I have had some folks from my past contact me with this message. I was bullied up through high school and it seems that whenever someone gets sober, they think of me as a person to make amends with. I typically just reply, "Thanks for your message, I appreciate it," and then I don't friend them back.

You're not obligated to forgive anyone or accept their apologies. It's enough that they're making the amends and feel like they want to do right by you. That's something to appreciate in general, if not specifically by that person, so I always respond but never friend them back.

You are not responsible for someone feeling tormented by their own past behavior. That's on them.

EDIT: Holy shit, I just saw that you tagged this "roofies." Did you leave out some critical information in your question? If there is a criminal act that took place, you should talk to a lawyer about statutes of limitations, etc.
posted by juniperesque at 1:22 PM on March 21, 2017 [33 favorites]

It's possible he's in a 12-step recovery programme where, as part of getting well, he has to think about all the people he's harmed and, if possible, make amends to them. I'm in a 12-step prog and I've contacted people to make amends. In a couple of cases they have no idea who I am (!), or they have no recollection of whatever it is I'm apologising for. But making amends is part of my recovery, and where people have said, well, I don't recall you doing anything bad to me, but thanks anyway, we're cool, it's been healing for me.

Likewise, people have made amends to me, and I've had no recollection of the incidents they're talking about. But that's okay, we all have our different priorities in life and memory is an odd thing, and if it helps them heal to say sorry to me for something I don't even remember, that's fine.

It might be the kind thing to respond briefly and say something like "thanks, that means a lot, I wish you well for the future" and leave it at that, rather than try to find out exactly what he thinks he's apologising for.
posted by essexjan at 1:24 PM on March 21, 2017 [16 favorites]

You could just say "Thanks for sharing that." I say this as someone who made an apology like that a couple of years ago. I wasn't a bully, I wasn't a big Mean Girl or anything like that. But I really remembered being rude to a boy who liked me in high school, and sending him a short message akin to "Sorry I was a jerk. I was 16 and didn't know how to process my feelings" was something that I really enjoyed getting off my chest. He was gracious about it. It didn't need to be a whole Big Thing or anything.
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:30 PM on March 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

This is happened to me a few times. "Thanks so much, [name]. Hope all is well with you and yours," was enough each time.
posted by kimberussell at 1:37 PM on March 21, 2017 [8 favorites]

Data point: when a similar "reaching out from high school person" instance happened to me recently, it was the precursor to the MLM scam du jour. (YMMV of course.)
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 1:38 PM on March 21, 2017 [8 favorites]

I agree with fingersandtoes. This would be a complicated question if you had truly been bothered or harmed by his behavior, like juniperesque was. But in this case, simply telling the truth would make him feel better and put no burden, emotional or otherwise, on you. "Thanks for writing, but I don't remember anything that you need to apologize for. Best wishes."
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:39 PM on March 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

Mod note: Friendly reminder folks, we don't do "edited to add"/ETA here - please don't use the edit function to add or change content. Just add a second comment, and if needed flag your previous one for deletion.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 1:42 PM on March 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Good suggestions in here - presume good faith, say thanks (and maybe 'I don't actually remember you being a dick') and don't feel any futher obligation.
posted by Sebmojo at 1:47 PM on March 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I was kidding about "roofies." I don't remember a single thing that this guy had done that would necessitate life-long regrets and an apology over twenty years later. That's my conundrum. Am liking the "short and simple" responses you all are suggesting even though I am curious.
posted by amanda at 1:54 PM on March 21, 2017

I have been the apologizer in a similar situation (without the sexual potential, if that is the right phrase.) I would have been super relieved if the recipient had said "honestly I don't remember anything you'd need to apologize for!" But she did, cause there was something, and she accepted my apology for being a total douche 20 years ago, and we're sincere -- I think -- Facebook friends now.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 1:58 PM on March 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

I think it would be a kindness to relieve his guilt by saying that you don't remember anything he would need to apologize for.
posted by delight at 2:05 PM on March 21, 2017 [7 favorites]

> "hey Bob, no worries, I don't recall anything you need to apologize for, best wishes, bye!"

This has pretty much been my exact response in similar situations.
posted by desuetude at 2:23 PM on March 21, 2017 [12 favorites]

Best answer: I had someone apologize for their behavior to me at a high school reunion, which kind of baffled me because I actually had pretty positive memories of them. I think the thing was that while she had never been mean to me and I wasn't totally out in high school, she felt that she had passively gone along with some (pretty mild) homophobic ribbing of another student and regretted contributing to that environment. Honestly I was kind of touched because it was so mild on the scale of high school shittiness, and it fit with my perception of her as someone who was fundamentally decent and self-reflective, so I just told her something along those lines and then we got drunk together and it was fine. Sometimes there's no agenda.

(Also sometimes people have OCD/GAD freakouts about things they said or did as teenagers and start obsessing about the possibility of having hurt someone in a lasting way. If it's that, providing repeated reassurance that they didn't do anything major tends to be counterproductive, but reality-checking them once is fine.)
posted by en forme de poire at 3:15 PM on March 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Mod note: Pulled the "roofies" tag because it's more likely to confuse searchers than anything.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 3:16 PM on March 21, 2017 [15 favorites]

I had email something like that from a guy named Tom who was our buddy in junior and senior high. He wrote to ask how I was and, mysteriously, to say he was sorry. But I couldn't think what for.

As far as I could remember after about 30 years, Tom gradually left our small group of fairly dorky/geeky/gawky guys and instead spent time with his neighborhood burnouts smoking dope daily and trying to be cool. Not interesting. So I think we just stopped calling him and he stopped calling us, and eventually he drifted off entirely. I don't recall us missing him, but I guess he thought we must have missed him. Maybe he scorned us and thought surely we must have felt his scorn. I have no idea.

People will believe they matter more to others than they actually do.
posted by pracowity at 3:22 PM on March 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

I would be worried about a MLM thing or cult-like group. It should be pretty obvious when you look at his profile because those people don't shut up about it. If that's the case, ignore him entirely. Otherwise, the scripts above are fine.
posted by AFABulous at 3:53 PM on March 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

I think nearly everyone could think of several things they did in high school for which they now feel remorse. I know I can. But for most people, they weren't life-alteringly aggressive things. And so they're largely forgotten. NBD.

Bullying, and the condemnation thereof, occupies a much more prominent place in our contemporary culture than it did in the past, and I suspect that may cause some to examine their consciences, and perhaps to find more there than others might.

Hooking back up with a high school crush is enough of a trope now (especially men toward women) that id be a little wary of that. But it wouldn't hurt to send a quick note saying "all good, don't sweat it".
posted by kevinbelt at 4:08 PM on March 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

"Really? I don't remember high school very much at all" is my usual response, because I don't want anyone thinking they're significant enough to have occupied my headspace in the decades since high school, especially if they were douches. And they don't get to suck up my time and emotional energy now by expecting me to forgive them, either.
posted by tully_monster at 4:10 PM on March 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

I wouldn't go the "I don't remember" route because it just opens up the door to a conversation it doesn't sound like you really want to have. "Thanks, Bob. I wish you well." Ignore friend request.
posted by AFABulous at 4:22 PM on March 21, 2017

Given the sequence of events and vagueness of the apology, I think it's based more on the fact that you rejected his friend request. You didn't see a good reason to accept, but he's interpreting it as you having a good reason to reject it.

I'd probably frame it as "That's considerate to apologize. I've tried to leave that time period behind."
posted by politikitty at 4:33 PM on March 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

I would just write back like, "Oh thanks! Hope you're doing well. I just don't friend high school folks on here, but I appreciate you thinking of me. Have a good one!" and let it go.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 4:36 PM on March 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

I've both sent and received a couple messages like this (soooo much high school dramz).

Definitely ignore the friend request, I feel like FB encourages sending friend requests in a million different sneaky UI ways but people don't actually want to be FB friends for the majority of acquaintanceships. He might be seeing it as a rejection or some kind of slight, but that's not your responsibility to handle.

Send him a reply though, and keep it short, but try not to be so concise that you leave doors open for further interaction. Both times when I've sent similar messages it was my own badbrain shit coming out. One reply I got was super vague and just left all that anxiety gnawing on me, and I only dropped it thanks to a close friend who let me ramble at him about it. The other reply I got was perfect, she said that she was glad to hear I was able to see my previous actions in a different light but also that she's worked hard to put anything negative that happened in high school behind her, and she hoped that I could do the same. That was a really clear "drop it" with no bitterness but also an acknowledgment of my previous shittiness. A++ old rival, awesome life skill acquisition. Your situation is different of course, but just be sure that you clearly indicate that you are happy with this dude not being in your life so he doesn't feel like his presence would be welcomed.
posted by Mizu at 4:47 PM on March 21, 2017 [8 favorites]

Best answer: I was troubled by something for thirty years, and finally sent a note to a FB friend (and high school classmate) to apologize. She said she had no inkling of what I was talking about, but no worries.

I felt immeasurable better, and it didn't seem to bug her, so I consider it something good to have done.

So I would suggest that you write back saying that it hasn't been a burden for you, but you are happy to offer forgiveness to them. And don't feel AT ALL compelled to become FB friends. :7) That way lies madness.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:02 PM on March 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

Best answer: I'm in the "hey Bob, no worries, I don't recall anything you need to apologize for, best wishes, bye!" camp, with perhaps some rephrasing along the lines of, "Hi Bob, thanks for reaching out. High school is such a weird time for us all, and I don't recall anything you need to apologize for, but I truly appreciate the sentiment. Best wishes & I hope all is well with you & yours!" This is mostly a question of semantics, but I think acknowledging that he is making an effort is an important/good karma kind of move, and intentional phrasing is important here because someone is making an effort to apologize (good on him) even if you aren't sure what for exactly (thankfully, this isn't something that has followed you 20+ years).

On the other hand, if you are genuinely curious about what he is apologizing for you could respond with something like, "Hi Bob, thanks for your message & apology. To be honest, I'm not sure what you feel the need to apologize for and am interested in knowing more, if you are comfortable with that. Either way, please know that we are good & I wish nothing more than the best for you & yours!" Hope this helps!
posted by katemcd at 7:22 PM on March 21, 2017 [15 favorites]