How to let my guard down and let friends help with my wedding?
March 9, 2017 7:58 PM Subscribe
I have a hard time opening up to people and inviting people in to help me with something - even though I really want to. I have few close friends (1-2) but a lot of acquaintance-friends, who are generously offering to help me with my wedding and I feel paralyzed. Like I don't have the right brain software to know how to take them up on the offer in a personal, genuine way that doesn't feel like a work transaction, which is my natural default. How do people do this?! How do you friend as an adult?
I have a hard time asking for help or opening up to people when I need something, especially something personal or emotional. I am OK at it when it's work-related - like when I am in charge of a project, for example. But in my personal life I've never quite figured out how to really let my guard down and let people in, with a few exceptions.
That being said - I have learned how to be a really good socializer, though, and I can be really friendly and welcoming in social settings so I have a lot of acquaintance-friends. These are people I see a lot, even regularly, and who I really like a lot (and vice-versa) yet I wouldn't say we are close. We are close to being close but I never quite make it there. It's like I get stuck in the acquaintance-friend level but not because they aren't offering deeper friendship; they ask for my support and help and I offer it willingly. However, I suspect my tendency to not ask for support myself is a big part of keeping things from progressing. (Even though I want the support!) At the age of 34 I'm still struggling with how to do real, genuine friendship.
So that is probably the core of the question, and it is coming to a head now because I have been planning my wedding for the last 6 months. Now that the big day is 4 weeks away, I've recently become aware of just how much of it I've planned without really including any friends at all, or even siblings. (Just my fiance and parents, mostly.) We have a large guest list but few have been involved at all in creating the event. That is so not how I had imagined things going, although it certainly shouldn't be surprising given what I wrote above.
I have a lot of wonderful friends (acquaintance-friends) who are generous people and are now inquiring about how they can help, they're offering to do things... which makes me feel SO loved, more than words can express. I really, really want to take them up on it. I would love nothing more than a wedding that is generated out of the contributions from our friends and loved ones.
But I feel paralyzed. I don't know how to take them up on it. Other than to put on my project manager hat, which feels way too cold like I'm still keeping them at a distance. I'm looking for practical, tactical tips. How do people do this, in reality? How do they interact with close friends? Like, the minutiae of it? I feel like my brain is missing the software for that.
Like, for example, apparently people call each other without scheduling it ahead of time. People text friends to ask their opinion on something. If people are feeling sad they call a friend to get support right then and there. That is so foreign to my current habits/instincts and it makes me sad to say that. It seems that there are some ways that my brain thinks about things that keeps me from being able to do this in an open way. If I can even partially develop new habits that support deeper genuine friendship in these last few weeks of wedding prep, I'll be so grateful. Thanks in advance for any advice. (And for reading this rambly post.)
I have a hard time asking for help or opening up to people when I need something, especially something personal or emotional. I am OK at it when it's work-related - like when I am in charge of a project, for example. But in my personal life I've never quite figured out how to really let my guard down and let people in, with a few exceptions.
That being said - I have learned how to be a really good socializer, though, and I can be really friendly and welcoming in social settings so I have a lot of acquaintance-friends. These are people I see a lot, even regularly, and who I really like a lot (and vice-versa) yet I wouldn't say we are close. We are close to being close but I never quite make it there. It's like I get stuck in the acquaintance-friend level but not because they aren't offering deeper friendship; they ask for my support and help and I offer it willingly. However, I suspect my tendency to not ask for support myself is a big part of keeping things from progressing. (Even though I want the support!) At the age of 34 I'm still struggling with how to do real, genuine friendship.
So that is probably the core of the question, and it is coming to a head now because I have been planning my wedding for the last 6 months. Now that the big day is 4 weeks away, I've recently become aware of just how much of it I've planned without really including any friends at all, or even siblings. (Just my fiance and parents, mostly.) We have a large guest list but few have been involved at all in creating the event. That is so not how I had imagined things going, although it certainly shouldn't be surprising given what I wrote above.
I have a lot of wonderful friends (acquaintance-friends) who are generous people and are now inquiring about how they can help, they're offering to do things... which makes me feel SO loved, more than words can express. I really, really want to take them up on it. I would love nothing more than a wedding that is generated out of the contributions from our friends and loved ones.
But I feel paralyzed. I don't know how to take them up on it. Other than to put on my project manager hat, which feels way too cold like I'm still keeping them at a distance. I'm looking for practical, tactical tips. How do people do this, in reality? How do they interact with close friends? Like, the minutiae of it? I feel like my brain is missing the software for that.
Like, for example, apparently people call each other without scheduling it ahead of time. People text friends to ask their opinion on something. If people are feeling sad they call a friend to get support right then and there. That is so foreign to my current habits/instincts and it makes me sad to say that. It seems that there are some ways that my brain thinks about things that keeps me from being able to do this in an open way. If I can even partially develop new habits that support deeper genuine friendship in these last few weeks of wedding prep, I'll be so grateful. Thanks in advance for any advice. (And for reading this rambly post.)
Apparently, and somewhat counterintuitively, the best way to make friends is not to do favors for them, but to ask for favors. (Dale Carnegie, how to win friends and influence people, also, personal experience)
Why don't you make a list of all the things to be done, break some of these down into simple tasks (run 1 errand, help me address envelopes, tie bows on things) and the next time someone asks, you have something small and guilt-free to ask for.
posted by sexyrobot at 8:39 PM on March 9, 2017 [6 favorites]
Why don't you make a list of all the things to be done, break some of these down into simple tasks (run 1 errand, help me address envelopes, tie bows on things) and the next time someone asks, you have something small and guilt-free to ask for.
posted by sexyrobot at 8:39 PM on March 9, 2017 [6 favorites]
Oh OP. You and I are soul sisters.
I insisted on only one attendant for my wedding because I didn't want anyone I liked to feel obligated. The person I finally asked will tell you I am her best friend, that she loves me, we've known each other for years, and I still balked at asking her, worried we weren't close enough, because I am definitely not a girlfriend fun type friend. I am a Boss Friend.
I write these to the point, professional sounding missives to her and my mother with updates for the wedding that are basically, "I've got this, I don't need help." It's super off-putting to both of them, but I am doing my best to keep them involved.
I finally had to find a Thing for my bridesmaid and my mom to help me with and plan it as an afternoon of bonding/socializing instead of getting crap done. I know I could do the things more efficiently some evening by myself, but I try to keep in mind weddings are more than just event planning logistics to other people and I need to engage in the social expectations of being a woman getting married.
posted by tippy at 8:42 PM on March 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
I insisted on only one attendant for my wedding because I didn't want anyone I liked to feel obligated. The person I finally asked will tell you I am her best friend, that she loves me, we've known each other for years, and I still balked at asking her, worried we weren't close enough, because I am definitely not a girlfriend fun type friend. I am a Boss Friend.
I write these to the point, professional sounding missives to her and my mother with updates for the wedding that are basically, "I've got this, I don't need help." It's super off-putting to both of them, but I am doing my best to keep them involved.
I finally had to find a Thing for my bridesmaid and my mom to help me with and plan it as an afternoon of bonding/socializing instead of getting crap done. I know I could do the things more efficiently some evening by myself, but I try to keep in mind weddings are more than just event planning logistics to other people and I need to engage in the social expectations of being a woman getting married.
posted by tippy at 8:42 PM on March 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
What I find useful for bonding when I have a project to work on, even if it doesn't really lend itself to doing 'together' ("let's... make the seating chart... no, nevermind, that's just me and fiance. Same for dance lessons. Invitations are done, centerpieces on order, pros are doing the flowers, the dress is at the tailor, I have to make 23 phone calls and write 6 detailed emails and none of that can be helped with or is fun") is to arrange an evening for everyone to come work on whatever their projects are together. Lots of my friends have a craft project or an art project or something that they'd enjoy briging over to work on together. It's like studying together with friends in college - maybe you're just sitting in the dorm room each doing your own problem sets but I've always found it helps me not get too distracted OR too miserable.
If you've got some things that you'd like or not mind their opinion on, of course, get them involved and ask away! Or if you have any DIY projects, they'd surely help! But so much of wedding planning, if you don't go heavily DIY, isn't like that and is a pretty solitary activity. You can also involve individual friends in a manner befitting their talents - designer friend helps with the signs and decor, fashion expert friend helps you find a good tailor, etc - but at 4 weeks out it might be too late for most of those projects. Still, those are the directions I'd think in.
posted by Lady Li at 9:11 PM on March 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you've got some things that you'd like or not mind their opinion on, of course, get them involved and ask away! Or if you have any DIY projects, they'd surely help! But so much of wedding planning, if you don't go heavily DIY, isn't like that and is a pretty solitary activity. You can also involve individual friends in a manner befitting their talents - designer friend helps with the signs and decor, fashion expert friend helps you find a good tailor, etc - but at 4 weeks out it might be too late for most of those projects. Still, those are the directions I'd think in.
posted by Lady Li at 9:11 PM on March 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
The other thing you could do is reach out and say, "I'd really appreciate your help with ___. I'm not very good at asking for help, so could we maybe just plan a time to sit down and figure it out together and see if there's anything we could do together?"
posted by Lady Li at 9:13 PM on March 9, 2017
posted by Lady Li at 9:13 PM on March 9, 2017
The way I was asked to contribute a thing to a wedding was like this: "This is sort of a big request, I know, but we love you, and you are so wonderful at ____, and we were wondering if you would consider _____ing for us. I know it's a big thing, but it would mean so much to us for you to be a part of our day in this way." Hearing that felt good, and it felt really good to help out.
[your offer] makes me feel SO loved, more than words can express. I really, really want to take [you] up on it. I would love nothing more than a wedding that is generated out of the contributions from our friends and loved ones.
This is great, use that! (Could add the explicit ask, "so if it's still something you're able to do, may I take you up on your offer?")
(And then acknowledge people's contributions when it's time for the toasts etc. As far as anything beyond that - I've received }thank you" gifts when I've been a bridesmaid, but I don't remember getting a tangible gift that time I mentioned. Which was completely fine with me, it was a lot of fun.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:43 PM on March 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
[your offer] makes me feel SO loved, more than words can express. I really, really want to take [you] up on it. I would love nothing more than a wedding that is generated out of the contributions from our friends and loved ones.
This is great, use that! (Could add the explicit ask, "so if it's still something you're able to do, may I take you up on your offer?")
(And then acknowledge people's contributions when it's time for the toasts etc. As far as anything beyond that - I've received }thank you" gifts when I've been a bridesmaid, but I don't remember getting a tangible gift that time I mentioned. Which was completely fine with me, it was a lot of fun.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:43 PM on March 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Do you have a week-of-event timeline? Because it sounds like you ask for help when you NEED it (e.g., work) but don't currently need it (e.g., you don't need to text them for opinions because, who needs their opinion?). Unless you have a large budget, the week of the event will be full of things like "pick up cake" and "pick up wine" and "pick up cousin Joe at airport." Also, after the event, you want to leave but there is lots of cleanup to do.
Treat the wedding like a work project, get organized, and ask for help because it will make the week of and day of your wedding manageable -- so you can focus on enjoying the event, spending time with family in from out of town, and your new spouse! (... instead of picking up the wine. But knowing you need someone to pick up the wine, and asking someone to do so is basically the same as what you do at work.)
posted by slidell at 7:15 AM on March 10, 2017
Treat the wedding like a work project, get organized, and ask for help because it will make the week of and day of your wedding manageable -- so you can focus on enjoying the event, spending time with family in from out of town, and your new spouse! (... instead of picking up the wine. But knowing you need someone to pick up the wine, and asking someone to do so is basically the same as what you do at work.)
posted by slidell at 7:15 AM on March 10, 2017
Maybe have a "get together and work on WeddingStuff" evening, where you invite them all to come over, and you give them tea or wine or soup or cookies or whatever suits your style. And you hang out like friends and have a good time, at the same time that you're Project Managing the task at hand.
When you're managing the project just fine without help, when you have an independent mindset, there's no *need* to call someone and get their opinion, it's not *necessary* to text a photo of the decision you just finalized. But it might be fun, anyway; and I bet they'd appreciate seeing things ahead of time. When you've got everybody together, maybe it would be easier to talk about it in person, show them what you've got planned. It's not about getting their help with the planning, it's about letting them see it ahead of time. Sure if they have some great idea or volunteer to help with some aspect of it, great - but part of it is that when they show up at the wedding, they see things that they were "in on", they got a sneak preview, they're special. That's part of the friends-bonding.
posted by aimedwander at 7:46 AM on March 10, 2017
When you're managing the project just fine without help, when you have an independent mindset, there's no *need* to call someone and get their opinion, it's not *necessary* to text a photo of the decision you just finalized. But it might be fun, anyway; and I bet they'd appreciate seeing things ahead of time. When you've got everybody together, maybe it would be easier to talk about it in person, show them what you've got planned. It's not about getting their help with the planning, it's about letting them see it ahead of time. Sure if they have some great idea or volunteer to help with some aspect of it, great - but part of it is that when they show up at the wedding, they see things that they were "in on", they got a sneak preview, they're special. That's part of the friends-bonding.
posted by aimedwander at 7:46 AM on March 10, 2017
What are the two or three jobs that you really want done a certain way, and would be disappointed with if they were slightly different? Those are the only jobs you can't delegate.
If any of your friends offered (or offer) to do a specific thing, and you would like that specific thing done, say yes! Thank them enthusiastically. Use your project manager skills to work out details without micromanaging. If someone offers to tie bowties, they would like to tie bowties. It will go well.
For general offers:
1. First brainstorm specific skills your friends have which could be helpful. Do you have a friend who likes to do something that you need done? (Decorating? Setting up a sound system? Arranging flowers? Phoning people?) Ask the friend if they would be willing to do that job. Allow them an out ("It's no problem if you're too busy... but if you have time, would you be willing to...?" or whatever) and thank them enthusiastically.
2. Next make a huge list of everything that needs to be done. As the date gets closer, this list will get big fast! When people offer, thank them, show them the list, and ask if they'd be willing to do any of those jobs.
3. If you get an offer from a friend who got married recently, or who just throws great parties, ask them what they think you need but haven't thought of yet. If appropriate, ask them to do that. Otherwise add it to your list.
And lastly, are you doing this yourself? There are two of you getting married... is your fiance also coordinating things and asking friends for help? If not, now's the time! Don't fall into the sexist bullshit of it being only women's jobs to do all the work for the giant ridiculous party that is a wedding.
posted by MangoNews at 9:11 AM on March 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
If any of your friends offered (or offer) to do a specific thing, and you would like that specific thing done, say yes! Thank them enthusiastically. Use your project manager skills to work out details without micromanaging. If someone offers to tie bowties, they would like to tie bowties. It will go well.
For general offers:
1. First brainstorm specific skills your friends have which could be helpful. Do you have a friend who likes to do something that you need done? (Decorating? Setting up a sound system? Arranging flowers? Phoning people?) Ask the friend if they would be willing to do that job. Allow them an out ("It's no problem if you're too busy... but if you have time, would you be willing to...?" or whatever) and thank them enthusiastically.
2. Next make a huge list of everything that needs to be done. As the date gets closer, this list will get big fast! When people offer, thank them, show them the list, and ask if they'd be willing to do any of those jobs.
3. If you get an offer from a friend who got married recently, or who just throws great parties, ask them what they think you need but haven't thought of yet. If appropriate, ask them to do that. Otherwise add it to your list.
And lastly, are you doing this yourself? There are two of you getting married... is your fiance also coordinating things and asking friends for help? If not, now's the time! Don't fall into the sexist bullshit of it being only women's jobs to do all the work for the giant ridiculous party that is a wedding.
posted by MangoNews at 9:11 AM on March 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I know that's very open-ended and not specific, but I have a hard time of figuring out how to delegate/ask for help with personal things. When people come up with their own ideas and offer, however, I am grateful and have a much easier time accepting these generous offers. I hope that's helpful & congratulations on your wedding! Have a marvelous time!
posted by katemcd at 8:11 PM on March 9, 2017 [1 favorite]