I have to cancel last minute on attending a wedding. How to communicate?
August 27, 2015 5:04 PM   Subscribe

The wedding is on Sunday, interstate. My not going is unavoidable as of this morning. A tremendous, epic, work emergency has developed. I got the news at 4.30am this morning. There is no way I can get through it without serious sustained time and effort during the period I’d planned to be travelling and interstate. What do I say to the couple and how do I say it? More over the fold.

Other relevant information:
There is no one else who can do the work. The work has to be done.
I’ve told my husband, he’s sad I’m not going, but is OK with it. Husband will still be going.
I don’t think it is a huge wedding where I’ll be one of a throng.
They were at our wedding. We had a big ‘invite everyone we’ve ever known’ party though.
The couple are friends of my husband, but more acquaintances of mine. I do like them, they’re lovely, but we’re not close.
I don’t have phone numbers, and neither does my husband. Communication is entirely by Facebook Messenger. To say this does not seem like an ideal way to tell someone you’re a no show is an understatement.
I don’t have an address to send flowers to or any other apology gift.
I would understand if someone cancelled on me. Maybe they will be maybe they won’t. This does not influence my decision. If they are upset I will wear it, but I would like to be as kind/caring/sincerely apologetic as I possibly can be in communicating.
I AM sincerely sorry. But I can't be there.

I’m leaning towards asking my husband to tell them in person, and to get their address from a relative, then on Monday send a big bunch of flowers with a heartfelt congratulations/apology card. But is there something I’m missing?

Finally, I’d be so grateful if answers could focus on the question and leave out telling me that this is something I shouldn’t do. I have to do it. I’m well aware it’s not ideal. However, this is not work vs friends, it is continued employment, healthcare for my husband, payment of mortgage vs friends.
posted by t0astie to Human Relations (15 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
You're overthinking this and stressing yourself out for no reason. Take a deep breath. This sort of stuff happens. Go ahead and have your husband convey your regrets, congratulations and best wishes to the couple in person. They'll understand, I'm sure.
posted by killdevil at 5:07 PM on August 27, 2015 [63 favorites]


Your plan is good. Go with it.
posted by Etrigan at 5:07 PM on August 27, 2015 [3 favorites]


Okay. I am very anal about wedding etiquette and I am going to start off by telling you that this is totally not the end of the world. It cannot be helped AND your husband is still going, so your family will be represented at the wedding. Seriously. It's going to be okay. Don't beat yourself up!

I MIGHT messenger them today and apologize sincerely and let them know (in case there's last minute seating arrangements that need finagling) and then have your husband apologize in person at the wedding, but otherwise, I think your plan is excellent. The flowers with a congrats/so sorry I missed it card are a LOVELY gesture.

You are obviously bummed about missing it and it's something that can't be helped -- they will understand!
posted by Countess Sandwich at 5:13 PM on August 27, 2015 [10 favorites]


Have your husband send your good wishes and regrets that you can't be there.

Send them something if you like, but maybe don't do it while they're out of town if they're going to be out of town.

This is not nearly the tragedy you've built it up to be. They were going to get to spend 4 minutes tops talking to you, and they're out the cost of your meal. They don't care at this point, it's paid for already, they're getting married. You are a spouse of a friend, your presence is not critical there.

Nobody expects you to lose your job, house, and healthcare for a 3-hour social obligation.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:13 PM on August 27, 2015 [7 favorites]


You are not in the bridal party or doing some important job on the day of the wedding. It's too late from them to cancel your meal or rearrange the seating charts so there is really nothing that is going to happen differently if they know right now you aren't coming vs. being told by your husband on the day. So, calm down, it is OK that you can't do anything right now.

Unless you know otherwise, the bride and groom may well be on their honeymoon (or at least taking a few days off) the Monday after their wedding. Don't send flowers unless you know they will be home to get them. And since their home may well be full of left over centerpieces, I'm probably won't send flowers at all.

Instead, write the congratuations/apology note ahead of time and have your husband deliver it along with a verbal expression of regret He can let them know that you are really, really sorry and that this was really, really unavoidable and there is no reason for them to feel hurt or snubbed. (Or at least no good reason.)
posted by metahawk at 5:15 PM on August 27, 2015


I know you are feeling the drama, but people don't attend weddings at the last minute all the freaking time. The baby is sick. The baby is being born (happened to friends of mine) They couldn't get a sitter. They are sick. Non-specific family emergency.

It happens. Send your husband with congratulations and don't worry about it.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 5:31 PM on August 27, 2015 [3 favorites]


Your husband is going, he's closer to them. It's ok. He can pass along your major heartfelt regret that you couldn't be there due to a major crisis at work that only you could fix.
posted by lizbunny at 5:35 PM on August 27, 2015


Best answer: I would absolutely let them know ASAP, even via Facebook messenger if necessary. When I was a bride, I definitely would've preferred to know and would have (slightly) adjusted seating. I had 3 no shows to my wedding, paying for the extra meals didn't bother me at all but the "holes" in my seating did.

I wouldn't send flowers, just a nice card. Flowers would seem like overkill to people that you aren't close to.

But yes, overall, I would agree with others that this is unfortunate but ultimately not that big a deal.
posted by pallas14 at 5:38 PM on August 27, 2015 [11 favorites]


This is incredibly polite and anyone having a wedding would be thrilled by such thoughtful gestures. (Assuming they even noticed at first. Weddings are stressful.) Nthing that a Facebook message couldn't hurt, and mailing a gift is probably preferred to flowers. But don't worry, you're fine.
posted by thetortoise at 5:49 PM on August 27, 2015 [1 favorite]


If you can send them any kind of message (FB is OK!), I'd do that. I think it's helpful they're more your husband's friends than yours (so you can say "Something urgent came up and I have to send my regrets but Husband will still be there! I'm so sorry to miss out!"). Send an additional gift if you have the time to buy/send one. I think it's cool to rely on your husband to convey your regrets here, honestly.

I think you're cool here -- you're not in the wedding party; you're not particularly close to the couple. You'd go if you could. Don't worry about it.
posted by darksong at 5:59 PM on August 27, 2015 [1 favorite]


As someone who recently got married, agreed that it's best to let them know ASAP, however you have to do it. I was pretty annoyed at people who sent regrets with other wedding guests, but not with people who took the time to let us know personally. It can feel really impersonal to just have someone mention the no show, like the person couldn't even be bothered to get you a message...plus, if there IS disappointment, they can deal with it pre-wedding rather than it being (even a slight) bummer on the wedding day.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:33 PM on August 27, 2015


FB Messenger is fine. I too would have preferred that my no-shows had told me they weren't coming, even a couple days before; I would have had the seating at the table adjusted, or possibly invited last-minute, brand new work friends I'd just met. It really is fine to tell them by Messenger, and much better than not telling them; but even not telling them ahead of time is not the end of the world.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:47 PM on August 27, 2015


Best answer: Yes, let them know ASAP. They might wish to change the seating.

I wouldn't necessarily send the flowers -- a lot of people collapse in a heap after their wedding, or go out of town. It's time for them as a couple. Plus, they'll likely be swamped with leftover flowers of their own.

I suggest sending your husband with a small (unobtrusive in the pictures) special gift "from you" in addition to whatever you do as a couple. E.g., a small box of elegant chocolates. When they circulate around to see him, you can be there in spirit as he says "and t0astie is so sorry for missing this and wanted me to pass this along to you from her. She's really thinking of you guys today." The reception is when they're in the mode to receive love from guests, whereas the following few days are when they collapse and just focus on each other for a bit, so I'd try to deliver your love to them via your husband at the reception.
posted by salvia at 7:58 PM on August 27, 2015


Agree with others that shit happens and it's not that big of a deal, particularly of you don't have a role in the wedding that needs replacing. Find the most efficient way to tell them as soon as possible because they might need/want to move around seating arrangements.
posted by vunder at 8:50 PM on August 27, 2015


Response by poster: It's done and it's fine. Thank you all so much for the suggestions and reassurance.
posted by t0astie at 10:39 PM on August 27, 2015 [4 favorites]


« Older How to stop an onslaught of junk mail after...   |   Sketching out a Plan B (and C and D) Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.