Best practice listening skills to help abused friend (female on male)
March 8, 2017 2:04 AM Subscribe
A very close friend of mine is starting to open up about the trauma he endured during his relationship with his first (now late) wife. He is seeing a counsellor (who is a bit woo), but he has no other outlets to talk about this. I, a female, have offered to lend an ear should he need one and he has said he will take me up on my offer. How do I listen best to help best?
I've known Brian for over 20 years. Anyone who knows him will say that his two most self-detrimental failings is that he is loyal to a fault and he puts other people's needs before his own. He loved Gabby and loved being a step-parent to her 10yr old child - Brian is a trained early childhood teacher. But Gabby cut any of Brian's female friends out of his life and tormented him with controlling jealousy. I don't know many details. I do know that Brian caused himself a permanent injury in response to one of her tirades.
They had a child together and Gabby's progressive disease was diagnosed soon after. Brian became full-time carer to a baby and his wife - the step-kid moved in with its other parent. Her vitriol became worse and she used her ability aids as weapons. Brian admits to being his worst at these times and he carries a lot of shame for his responses (withdrawal, not violence) and shame for being a victim of abuse from his wife.
Brian stayed until Gabby needed 24hr physical care. She survived another few years, during which time she tormented Brian's new partner, Petra, with abusive phone-calls. Petra and Brian (and Brian's/Gabby's kid) later married but the relationship has failed. Brian says it is because he had too many primed buttons for Petra to push. Now he's ready for another relationship (he's met someone), but he wants to process some stuff first. He can only see his counsellor once a month. I'm no expert but I've read many of the books Dr Metafilter has recommended in human relations threads, so I've offered to listen.
How can I help my friend best? For those who have been in the complexity of situations he has been in, what can I offer in my listening?
I've known Brian for over 20 years. Anyone who knows him will say that his two most self-detrimental failings is that he is loyal to a fault and he puts other people's needs before his own. He loved Gabby and loved being a step-parent to her 10yr old child - Brian is a trained early childhood teacher. But Gabby cut any of Brian's female friends out of his life and tormented him with controlling jealousy. I don't know many details. I do know that Brian caused himself a permanent injury in response to one of her tirades.
They had a child together and Gabby's progressive disease was diagnosed soon after. Brian became full-time carer to a baby and his wife - the step-kid moved in with its other parent. Her vitriol became worse and she used her ability aids as weapons. Brian admits to being his worst at these times and he carries a lot of shame for his responses (withdrawal, not violence) and shame for being a victim of abuse from his wife.
Brian stayed until Gabby needed 24hr physical care. She survived another few years, during which time she tormented Brian's new partner, Petra, with abusive phone-calls. Petra and Brian (and Brian's/Gabby's kid) later married but the relationship has failed. Brian says it is because he had too many primed buttons for Petra to push. Now he's ready for another relationship (he's met someone), but he wants to process some stuff first. He can only see his counsellor once a month. I'm no expert but I've read many of the books Dr Metafilter has recommended in human relations threads, so I've offered to listen.
How can I help my friend best? For those who have been in the complexity of situations he has been in, what can I offer in my listening?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Hey, sorry, but the combo of rather specific details about third parties, plus advice by proxy for second-hand related circumstances all make this not really great for Ask Metafilter. Perhaps a gift membership for your friend might be a way to cut through some of that. -- taz
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This sounds too complicated for a lay person. The picture you paint sounds full of missing information, based on my personal experience. I think you might want to let this person process their past on their own.
Also, are you the person this man would date if not for his traumatic past? Because then you really really should not help Brian process his past. That's not how this works if you want a chance at a future relationship.
There are tons of resources out there, including library books and support groups for trauma and/or complicated grief. This man needs to access his own solutions for the self-work he needs to do to be effective.
posted by jbenben at 2:47 AM on March 8, 2017