Relationship? Check. Confusion? Check.
March 8, 2017 4:31 AM Subscribe
I've been in a relationship for 8 months, and I am finding it extremely difficult to evaluate and navigate. I have multiple people speaking into my life with vastly differing opinions, and it's all very confusing. I am having difficulty trusting myself and finding my footing.
The first 2-3 months of dating were great. Then he entered a season of extreme stress due to work and school obligations (one-time thing), and we nearly broke up after the holidays. January and February have been alright (some great days, some bad days), but last weekend we almost broke up. Then, after that, we had several great days.
Our "almost break up" conversations often revolve around our difficulty in communicating with each other and understanding each other. He has a different definition of being "furious," how long fights ought to last, etc. Sometimes we just end up silent because we seem to be unable to get something across to our partner (though we always keep making a go at it later). Much of this comes from his having come from a rather tumultuous family, and I come from a rather boring and stable family. Some of it is just personality differences too. It's also cultural differences. Though we're both from the same country, our experiences in life and backgrounds are vastly different.
To add to all this, a couple of people in my life think that my problem is that I just need to be more committed. They think that I'm always just on the brink of leaving (and, to some degree, I am due to the relationship's history). Another person in my life thinks that this person could be wonderful for me because of his warmth and affection (whereas I'm a more pragmatic, practical person). Another person who is very close to me insists that she has never seen a couple fight as much as we do before getting more serious, and her work revolves around helping people in their marriages. She says most couples would have broken up by now. Her opinion is that my personality tends to be easygoing and to "make things work" (which is true), so I'll end up with just about anyone who sticks by me (my partner has some codependency issues, but he is working through them in counseling). Another couple of people in my life think we go together well. So, the opinions vary. My counselor insists that every couple struggles and goes through fights, and if we like each other and truly forgive each other, we can make things go a long way. He's not inclined to see us break up, but my counselor tends to be more of a mirror for me than an "evaluator" (which, I suppose, is her job).
My own feelings basically consist of uneasiness, fear of loss, and the joy of companionship. I like a lot of things about my partner, but there are a lot of things I dislike. We have gotten into some nearly incomprehensible arguments that have left me at a loss, and our consistent differences have been troubling. I don't want to have to "fight" for a relationship so much. But, then I think, maybe that's just relationships? I've been single for awhile (and am pretty good at it), so maybe I'm just lazy.
Anyway, I guess my question is, What would you do in my shoes? Or, if you'd rather not answer that, What are your immediate thoughts on my situation, and do you have any advice to help me?
The first 2-3 months of dating were great. Then he entered a season of extreme stress due to work and school obligations (one-time thing), and we nearly broke up after the holidays. January and February have been alright (some great days, some bad days), but last weekend we almost broke up. Then, after that, we had several great days.
Our "almost break up" conversations often revolve around our difficulty in communicating with each other and understanding each other. He has a different definition of being "furious," how long fights ought to last, etc. Sometimes we just end up silent because we seem to be unable to get something across to our partner (though we always keep making a go at it later). Much of this comes from his having come from a rather tumultuous family, and I come from a rather boring and stable family. Some of it is just personality differences too. It's also cultural differences. Though we're both from the same country, our experiences in life and backgrounds are vastly different.
To add to all this, a couple of people in my life think that my problem is that I just need to be more committed. They think that I'm always just on the brink of leaving (and, to some degree, I am due to the relationship's history). Another person in my life thinks that this person could be wonderful for me because of his warmth and affection (whereas I'm a more pragmatic, practical person). Another person who is very close to me insists that she has never seen a couple fight as much as we do before getting more serious, and her work revolves around helping people in their marriages. She says most couples would have broken up by now. Her opinion is that my personality tends to be easygoing and to "make things work" (which is true), so I'll end up with just about anyone who sticks by me (my partner has some codependency issues, but he is working through them in counseling). Another couple of people in my life think we go together well. So, the opinions vary. My counselor insists that every couple struggles and goes through fights, and if we like each other and truly forgive each other, we can make things go a long way. He's not inclined to see us break up, but my counselor tends to be more of a mirror for me than an "evaluator" (which, I suppose, is her job).
My own feelings basically consist of uneasiness, fear of loss, and the joy of companionship. I like a lot of things about my partner, but there are a lot of things I dislike. We have gotten into some nearly incomprehensible arguments that have left me at a loss, and our consistent differences have been troubling. I don't want to have to "fight" for a relationship so much. But, then I think, maybe that's just relationships? I've been single for awhile (and am pretty good at it), so maybe I'm just lazy.
Anyway, I guess my question is, What would you do in my shoes? Or, if you'd rather not answer that, What are your immediate thoughts on my situation, and do you have any advice to help me?
Yeah, I don't have relationships where there's fighting, even in the not-great ones. That's definitely not a requirement.
People rarely change. You have to assume that the fighty, always on the edge of breakup dynamic will continue. Would you be OK with this relationship if it continued on exactly as it is now? If nothing changed, would you want to stay?
Your friends can't answer that for you.
posted by phunniemee at 4:48 AM on March 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
People rarely change. You have to assume that the fighty, always on the edge of breakup dynamic will continue. Would you be OK with this relationship if it continued on exactly as it is now? If nothing changed, would you want to stay?
Your friends can't answer that for you.
posted by phunniemee at 4:48 AM on March 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
Don't be with someone with whom you are always fighting. If it's him, find someone else. If it's you, go solo until you've fixed you.
And fire your counselor. What a dolt.
posted by MattD at 5:00 AM on March 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
And fire your counselor. What a dolt.
posted by MattD at 5:00 AM on March 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
If you are already fighting and not able to communicate, run!
Long term relationships are hard and have a lot of hard times. You're not having mutually hard time, or even one person hard times. Things should be easy and amazing for more than the first 2 to 3 months. Or it's going to be crazy hard later. Listen to yourself and not anybody else about leaving a relationship. You're a rockstar for leaving bad ones as soon as you decide to leave. But if it were me, I'd already have bailed.
posted by Kalmya at 5:00 AM on March 8, 2017 [14 favorites]
Long term relationships are hard and have a lot of hard times. You're not having mutually hard time, or even one person hard times. Things should be easy and amazing for more than the first 2 to 3 months. Or it's going to be crazy hard later. Listen to yourself and not anybody else about leaving a relationship. You're a rockstar for leaving bad ones as soon as you decide to leave. But if it were me, I'd already have bailed.
posted by Kalmya at 5:00 AM on March 8, 2017 [14 favorites]
Fighting is not necessarily a sign that the relationship is broken. John Gottman's research talks a lot about the way we fight, and what that says about our relationships. This is a good article summarizing four different kinds of couples in the way they fight, and how some use fights to strengthen the relationship and others use them to undermine the relationship. It's entirely possible that you and he come from different "types" of fighting, and someone else might be a better match for you. It sucks to feel so unsure all the time.
Regarding "laziness", you are comfortable being single. So why would you pour energy into something that is not working as well for you? Relationships do take work, but when it's a relationship that is worth the work, it doesn't feel like such an uphill battle. This relationship sounds like it's wearing on you more than it's supporting you.
posted by sadmadglad at 5:10 AM on March 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
Regarding "laziness", you are comfortable being single. So why would you pour energy into something that is not working as well for you? Relationships do take work, but when it's a relationship that is worth the work, it doesn't feel like such an uphill battle. This relationship sounds like it's wearing on you more than it's supporting you.
posted by sadmadglad at 5:10 AM on March 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
I knew my husband was the one because we rarely fight. Certainly we disagree, sometimes we bicker, but over 7 years together I can think of 2 actual fights we've had. Relationships are hard work to maintain, they shouldn't be hard work to get started. I vote he isn't the one for you.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 5:17 AM on March 8, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 5:17 AM on March 8, 2017 [8 favorites]
Nothing that makes you feel happy and secure in the long run is going to start out to be this not-fun and not-secure.
I don't understand why you're placing value on your friends' comments: they're not inside your relationship, so they don't know what they're talking about; and they're not the ones who stand to lose the way you do, by staying in a relationship that isn't working. They have no stake in this. Plus, almost nobody is going to risk alienating a friend by telling her that she should leave her boyfriend! Your marriage-counselor friend sounds like the only kinda knowledgeable one.
The longer you stay with him the longer you are making yourself inaccesssible someone better suited to you. Get out.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:25 AM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I don't understand why you're placing value on your friends' comments: they're not inside your relationship, so they don't know what they're talking about; and they're not the ones who stand to lose the way you do, by staying in a relationship that isn't working. They have no stake in this. Plus, almost nobody is going to risk alienating a friend by telling her that she should leave her boyfriend! Your marriage-counselor friend sounds like the only kinda knowledgeable one.
The longer you stay with him the longer you are making yourself inaccesssible someone better suited to you. Get out.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:25 AM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
This much fighting, mismatched communication styles, and being frequently at odds in this way is not the basis of a healthy, happy relationship. It is particularly worrisome having a dynamic where "almost break ups" are common. None of this is the basis of happy healthy long term relationship.
You say you don't want to have to fight for your relationship. There are two things I have to say about that.
1. If by fight you mean "work hard", I hate to break it to you but every relationship requires hard work to keep alive and keep going well.
2. While every relationship takes hard work, when it is the right relationship it doesn't FEEL like hard work. When it is the right relationship the hard work is totally worth it and something you're happy to invest in. Plus, when it is the right relationship you partner is right there beside you doing the hard work too, and you both will be working hard towards the same goal. In the right relationship the hard work can actually really strengthen your relationship.
My take? This isn't the relationship for you, which is why you feel uneasy with how much work it is taking. Deep down I suspect you know you're investing in a sinking ship. It is absolutely okay to be happy being single right now. That isn't lazy. That is deciding not to settle because other people think you should be in a relationship.
No relationship is always better than wrong relationship.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:26 AM on March 8, 2017 [13 favorites]
You say you don't want to have to fight for your relationship. There are two things I have to say about that.
1. If by fight you mean "work hard", I hate to break it to you but every relationship requires hard work to keep alive and keep going well.
2. While every relationship takes hard work, when it is the right relationship it doesn't FEEL like hard work. When it is the right relationship the hard work is totally worth it and something you're happy to invest in. Plus, when it is the right relationship you partner is right there beside you doing the hard work too, and you both will be working hard towards the same goal. In the right relationship the hard work can actually really strengthen your relationship.
My take? This isn't the relationship for you, which is why you feel uneasy with how much work it is taking. Deep down I suspect you know you're investing in a sinking ship. It is absolutely okay to be happy being single right now. That isn't lazy. That is deciding not to settle because other people think you should be in a relationship.
No relationship is always better than wrong relationship.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:26 AM on March 8, 2017 [13 favorites]
This sounds so exhausting.
Answer honestly -- does this relationship make your life bigger? Does it, on balance, give you more energy, more capacity to follow passions, pursue dreams, try new things? Or does it more often drain you and make your life smaller?
If it's the latter, you don't need another reason. This just isn't the relationship for you. Get out before it shrinks you down to house elf size.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:45 AM on March 8, 2017 [25 favorites]
Answer honestly -- does this relationship make your life bigger? Does it, on balance, give you more energy, more capacity to follow passions, pursue dreams, try new things? Or does it more often drain you and make your life smaller?
If it's the latter, you don't need another reason. This just isn't the relationship for you. Get out before it shrinks you down to house elf size.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:45 AM on March 8, 2017 [25 favorites]
The only person around you who is saying anything *meaningful* (and measurable, and not vague) to you is saying this isn't good.
People get murdered by their "warm affectionate" partners, that doesn't mean a damn thing. You have to be skeptical when people say things like this to you, because unless they are hiding in your walls they don't actually know anything but the public face of your relationship. When people say shit like "you just need to be more committed" they are saying you need to stay in that relationship whether you like it or not, and that almost always means they're worried about themselves, not you. You shouldn't talk to those people about your relationships anymore, because they don't trust you when you're single.
You can't fix a relationship with commitment, you just can't. Trying hard isn't enough to make a successful relationship. There are other things that have to be there first. You don't seem to have them.
It shouldn't be like this in the first year. If the "joy of companionship" is the best thing you can think of about this relationship, get a dog. There are loftier goals in life than just not being single. Just because a man is breathing doesn't mean you have to stay with him. You sound like people I've known who would say things like "well, he doesn't abuse me, so..." as if he needs to commit a crime before you can break up with him. All you need is to feel like this isn't working for you. That is good enough reason to break up. Neither of you is going to reach a good place to be in a relationship with anybody if you stay together.
I think you should end it and spend some time alone working on yourself, raising your standards, developing some confidence so you can't be blown around in the winds of the opinions of every person you know. Decide with some vigor what you do and don't want, and put "constantly misunderstanding and fighting" in the "don't" column.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:51 AM on March 8, 2017 [13 favorites]
People get murdered by their "warm affectionate" partners, that doesn't mean a damn thing. You have to be skeptical when people say things like this to you, because unless they are hiding in your walls they don't actually know anything but the public face of your relationship. When people say shit like "you just need to be more committed" they are saying you need to stay in that relationship whether you like it or not, and that almost always means they're worried about themselves, not you. You shouldn't talk to those people about your relationships anymore, because they don't trust you when you're single.
You can't fix a relationship with commitment, you just can't. Trying hard isn't enough to make a successful relationship. There are other things that have to be there first. You don't seem to have them.
It shouldn't be like this in the first year. If the "joy of companionship" is the best thing you can think of about this relationship, get a dog. There are loftier goals in life than just not being single. Just because a man is breathing doesn't mean you have to stay with him. You sound like people I've known who would say things like "well, he doesn't abuse me, so..." as if he needs to commit a crime before you can break up with him. All you need is to feel like this isn't working for you. That is good enough reason to break up. Neither of you is going to reach a good place to be in a relationship with anybody if you stay together.
I think you should end it and spend some time alone working on yourself, raising your standards, developing some confidence so you can't be blown around in the winds of the opinions of every person you know. Decide with some vigor what you do and don't want, and put "constantly misunderstanding and fighting" in the "don't" column.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:51 AM on March 8, 2017 [13 favorites]
What would you do in my shoes? Or, if you'd rather not answer that, What are your immediate thoughts on my situation, and do you have any advice to help me?
Looks the bigger problem is you've got WAY too many people giving you their opinions and you're asking for more. I think the LAST thing you need are more opinions. Instead, ask yourself why you need to get so much consensus on how you live your life. Why do you need so many people to weigh in?
I strongly advise you to ask yourself these things and also, don't come back here to check to see what types of opinions you get. We don't know this person, we don't know you and we really can't tell you which way to jump -- only you know that.
Trust your instincts and do what's right for you without needing other people to weigh in or validate your choices.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:51 AM on March 8, 2017 [7 favorites]
Looks the bigger problem is you've got WAY too many people giving you their opinions and you're asking for more. I think the LAST thing you need are more opinions. Instead, ask yourself why you need to get so much consensus on how you live your life. Why do you need so many people to weigh in?
I strongly advise you to ask yourself these things and also, don't come back here to check to see what types of opinions you get. We don't know this person, we don't know you and we really can't tell you which way to jump -- only you know that.
Trust your instincts and do what's right for you without needing other people to weigh in or validate your choices.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:51 AM on March 8, 2017 [7 favorites]
Respectfully, you flat out stated you are having difficulty trusting yourself. You could ask for opinions all the day, but my sense is opinions are not really what you are after: deep, deep down you already know the answer, you more seem to be looking for outside validation of what your intuition is telling you. Trouble is, you have far too many people weighing in on what is ultimately your relationship, and sole decision-making responsibility thereof. To put a fine point on it, if enough people absolve you of your agency in this matter, then you won't feel like "the bad guy" for doing what your gut screams to be right.
That said, you owe it to yourself to step up to the plate and take care of business. You may well fear loss, and crave the joy of companionship, but you truly have more to lose than a boyfriend should you persist in normalizing some major red flags this early on. Perhaps another factor to consider, is you could possibly be conflating 'loss' and 'abandonment', thus by definition missing the actual differences between same. Eight months (to me, having a decade under my belt with my SO), isn't long enough to have any real skin in this game. Cut and run, but keep the lessons. After all, ambivalence does not make the heart grow fonder. Never settle.
Best luck!
posted by Amor Bellator at 6:59 AM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
That said, you owe it to yourself to step up to the plate and take care of business. You may well fear loss, and crave the joy of companionship, but you truly have more to lose than a boyfriend should you persist in normalizing some major red flags this early on. Perhaps another factor to consider, is you could possibly be conflating 'loss' and 'abandonment', thus by definition missing the actual differences between same. Eight months (to me, having a decade under my belt with my SO), isn't long enough to have any real skin in this game. Cut and run, but keep the lessons. After all, ambivalence does not make the heart grow fonder. Never settle.
Best luck!
posted by Amor Bellator at 6:59 AM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
The idea that relationships require work is a solid one and it has improved many people's lives by helping them realize that there are tools that can help them find a better balance between their partner's needs and theirs. That is an awesome thing for people in long term relationships.
It's also a notion that drives a lot of otherwise smart, levelheaded people stupid crazy, as it leads people in very new relationships that aren't working to worry if the problem is that they're just not approaching things the right way.
This isn't a skills/approach/attitude issue. It's just not working. Cut yourself a break.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:00 AM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
It's also a notion that drives a lot of otherwise smart, levelheaded people stupid crazy, as it leads people in very new relationships that aren't working to worry if the problem is that they're just not approaching things the right way.
This isn't a skills/approach/attitude issue. It's just not working. Cut yourself a break.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:00 AM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
On review, PuppetMcSockerson beat me to a lot of what I wrote. ;)
posted by Amor Bellator at 7:03 AM on March 8, 2017
posted by Amor Bellator at 7:03 AM on March 8, 2017
I started typing a long answer but do you know what, just take a break. Two weeks is all you will need, just agree to take that two-week break and see how you feel. Ground rules of course if you want or need them, but you need some space to figure this out, and I don't think all the thinking in the world will do you as much good as that space.
I mean, maybe you'll miss him a lot and start to really figure out how you can "fight better" and be happier when you come back together. From your question, I'm personally more inclined to guess that you'll actually feel a whole lot of relief from not having to deal with his drama for two weeks, and it'll make you realise he's lovely in many ways but really not actually worth that much emotional energy.
Either way, you win. Take a break, I think it'll give you the clarity you need. And if he tries to deny you that, gives you "if we break we break up" style ultimatums then he's not grown up enough for this relationship, or you, yet.
posted by greenish at 7:04 AM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I mean, maybe you'll miss him a lot and start to really figure out how you can "fight better" and be happier when you come back together. From your question, I'm personally more inclined to guess that you'll actually feel a whole lot of relief from not having to deal with his drama for two weeks, and it'll make you realise he's lovely in many ways but really not actually worth that much emotional energy.
Either way, you win. Take a break, I think it'll give you the clarity you need. And if he tries to deny you that, gives you "if we break we break up" style ultimatums then he's not grown up enough for this relationship, or you, yet.
posted by greenish at 7:04 AM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I was single for a long time before I started dating my now-husband and so I spent a lot of time adjusting to no longer being single and trying to figure out what it meant for a relationship to be work, and how much work was appropriate.
In my experience, work within a relationship--particularly at the beginning--definitely felt like real work sometimes. Meeting the right person didn't just magically make everything easy. I was still the same person I had been before with the same issues--I was just confronted with them more often and more directly. Not because he was being confrontational, but because trying to be honest and emotionally open and vulnerable and intimate with someone is hard.
For me, some useful questions in sorting this all out were: do I feel better or worse when I'm around him? Does the work I am doing make me feel better or worse about myself? Are we both working on things together? Do I feel like I'm the only one who is supposed to change here? Do our hard conversations lead somewhere productive? Do we understand each other better afterwards or change the way we interact for the better? Does he make me feel safe when I am vulnerable with him? Do we have lots nice moments with a couple of hard ones here and there, or is it mostly hard with a few nice moments?
Anyway, maybe thinking about those questions will help you too.
posted by colfax at 7:47 AM on March 8, 2017 [10 favorites]
In my experience, work within a relationship--particularly at the beginning--definitely felt like real work sometimes. Meeting the right person didn't just magically make everything easy. I was still the same person I had been before with the same issues--I was just confronted with them more often and more directly. Not because he was being confrontational, but because trying to be honest and emotionally open and vulnerable and intimate with someone is hard.
For me, some useful questions in sorting this all out were: do I feel better or worse when I'm around him? Does the work I am doing make me feel better or worse about myself? Are we both working on things together? Do I feel like I'm the only one who is supposed to change here? Do our hard conversations lead somewhere productive? Do we understand each other better afterwards or change the way we interact for the better? Does he make me feel safe when I am vulnerable with him? Do we have lots nice moments with a couple of hard ones here and there, or is it mostly hard with a few nice moments?
Anyway, maybe thinking about those questions will help you too.
posted by colfax at 7:47 AM on March 8, 2017 [10 favorites]
I was in your shoes. We "settled" some really big conflicts by not talking about them, ever. I didn't even let myself think about them. Your relationship doesn't have future if you can't resolve conflicts in a way that works for both of you and makes you both feel heard. Sometimes this can't be fixed because you're just really different people who can't make a relationship work together. The fact that you have incomprehensible arguments during what should your honeymoon phase is a strong sign of this. It's okay to let go and give up. It's better to let go and give up.
I kept doubting myself and trying to change myself and silencing myself and going along for five years until we came to some really big commitments that I couldn't bring myself to agree to. I couldn't trust that we could weather the tough parts in a way that wouldn't be toxic and full of resentment. When I finally admitted this to myself, I broke up with my partner. I was, and am, immensely relieved. I have hope for the future again. That said, I'm much more heartbroken than I would have been if I'd ended it sooner. Even in a relationship where things are deep down bad, you build up a lot of love and shared identity over five years that is just hard to get over. You can find a better relationship that works. Give yourself a break now instead of making it harder for yourself later.
posted by rhythm and booze at 9:05 AM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I kept doubting myself and trying to change myself and silencing myself and going along for five years until we came to some really big commitments that I couldn't bring myself to agree to. I couldn't trust that we could weather the tough parts in a way that wouldn't be toxic and full of resentment. When I finally admitted this to myself, I broke up with my partner. I was, and am, immensely relieved. I have hope for the future again. That said, I'm much more heartbroken than I would have been if I'd ended it sooner. Even in a relationship where things are deep down bad, you build up a lot of love and shared identity over five years that is just hard to get over. You can find a better relationship that works. Give yourself a break now instead of making it harder for yourself later.
posted by rhythm and booze at 9:05 AM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Other people in your life telling you that you guys "go together well" is completely irrelevant to your actual feelings. Are you having this relationship for you, or are you having it to please the people around you and assure them you are fine/happy/paired up? When you think about breaking up with your partner, does your mind immediately go to "what will people think? I'll disappoint them."?
It wouldn't matter if he was the most super-duper guy in the world. You are not happy in the relationship. Trying to be "more committed" sounds awful for you. If you are not wanting to commit, and always on the verge of breaking up, redoubling your efforts is probably the wrong answer. Your heart is telling you no.
posted by Knowyournuts at 9:44 AM on March 8, 2017
It wouldn't matter if he was the most super-duper guy in the world. You are not happy in the relationship. Trying to be "more committed" sounds awful for you. If you are not wanting to commit, and always on the verge of breaking up, redoubling your efforts is probably the wrong answer. Your heart is telling you no.
posted by Knowyournuts at 9:44 AM on March 8, 2017
What would you do in my shoes?
Bail.
Relationships can sometimes take work, but not so much so early. This sounds totally exhausting, and I'd rather be single than be fighting so much.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:59 AM on March 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
Bail.
Relationships can sometimes take work, but not so much so early. This sounds totally exhausting, and I'd rather be single than be fighting so much.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:59 AM on March 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
I am curious what you fight about, but ultimately, like others have stated, this level of fighting, negativity, miscommunication, and overall effort would be enough for me to break up. I love the way Lyn Never put it above, "You can't fix a relationship with commitment, you just can't." You're both supposed to make each other's lives easier, richer, better, happier, more pleasurable, etc. Not harder.
I would also ask you to consider this: isn't he deserving of a partner who is head-over-heels, no-holds-barred, in-it-to-win-it-together in love with him, without a doubt? Aren't you deserving of the same, and someone who works to make you happy and doesn't leave you stewing in these bad feelings after inexplicable fights?
I've was once in a really fighty (not physically) volatile live-in-then-off-again relationship that was very hard to leave. I'm now married to a truly companionable, positive, lovely person. If you ask me, I can happily tell you all about the blue skies and fresh air that fill almost all of my daily interactions with my husband AND during my single years before I met him. And I can tell you all about the uncertain grey days, thunderstorms, and hurricanes that populated my life in that relationship before. You both deserve more.
I agree that the last thing you need is more opinions, but you have requested them. To me, all signs point to: this isn't working. I'm sorry.
posted by juliplease at 10:32 AM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I would also ask you to consider this: isn't he deserving of a partner who is head-over-heels, no-holds-barred, in-it-to-win-it-together in love with him, without a doubt? Aren't you deserving of the same, and someone who works to make you happy and doesn't leave you stewing in these bad feelings after inexplicable fights?
I've was once in a really fighty (not physically) volatile live-in-then-off-again relationship that was very hard to leave. I'm now married to a truly companionable, positive, lovely person. If you ask me, I can happily tell you all about the blue skies and fresh air that fill almost all of my daily interactions with my husband AND during my single years before I met him. And I can tell you all about the uncertain grey days, thunderstorms, and hurricanes that populated my life in that relationship before. You both deserve more.
I agree that the last thing you need is more opinions, but you have requested them. To me, all signs point to: this isn't working. I'm sorry.
posted by juliplease at 10:32 AM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
A good relationship doesn't contain a lot of conflict and fighting and making you feel like shit about yourself. There's a lot of things you don't like about this guy. You've broken up once already, and nearly again just recently.
This doesn't sound Iike a good relationship at all. It kind of doesn't really matter *why* it isn't good--it's new enough that you've had enough data points to tell you that you're not particularly compatible on multiple levels and that you don't show signs of progressing toward a good compromise, you're progressing toward splitting up. I think that's a good indication that the two of you aren't good together.
I recommend that you stop fighting the inevitable and break up. You gave it a shot, it didn't work out. No, you do not need to stay with someone in a bad relationship just to prove that you're capable of commitment. That's really bad advice. There are no medals handed out for "I stayed longest in the shittiest relationship", it's just time gone that you spent being conflicted and unhappy, that you'll never get back. I don't think you need any more evidence that it's not going to get better.
posted by Autumnheart at 12:55 PM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
This doesn't sound Iike a good relationship at all. It kind of doesn't really matter *why* it isn't good--it's new enough that you've had enough data points to tell you that you're not particularly compatible on multiple levels and that you don't show signs of progressing toward a good compromise, you're progressing toward splitting up. I think that's a good indication that the two of you aren't good together.
I recommend that you stop fighting the inevitable and break up. You gave it a shot, it didn't work out. No, you do not need to stay with someone in a bad relationship just to prove that you're capable of commitment. That's really bad advice. There are no medals handed out for "I stayed longest in the shittiest relationship", it's just time gone that you spent being conflicted and unhappy, that you'll never get back. I don't think you need any more evidence that it's not going to get better.
posted by Autumnheart at 12:55 PM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
You need to take a break from the relationship and spend some time seeing how you feel, and stop trusting or considering other people's opinions above your own.
Trust yourself! I know it can be hard to do that, because I have this problem too. I assume that others see something I don't, or just know better than me. But only you really know yourself. Its also easy to go with other people's opinions because that's a way of avoiding responsibility. Also, breaking up is scary, especially if there are good days to tempter the bad, because that means you can second-guess yourself.
I have no opinion on whether this relationship can work for you or not, only you know. Trust yourself. Assume that it continues like this forever, are you happy with being in a relationship with these ups and downs?
posted by Joh at 1:23 PM on March 8, 2017
Trust yourself! I know it can be hard to do that, because I have this problem too. I assume that others see something I don't, or just know better than me. But only you really know yourself. Its also easy to go with other people's opinions because that's a way of avoiding responsibility. Also, breaking up is scary, especially if there are good days to tempter the bad, because that means you can second-guess yourself.
I have no opinion on whether this relationship can work for you or not, only you know. Trust yourself. Assume that it continues like this forever, are you happy with being in a relationship with these ups and downs?
posted by Joh at 1:23 PM on March 8, 2017
It'd be cool if there was some internet metric out there that could graph out the ideal ratio of length of time in a relationship to emotional energy expended on conflict resolution before it's time to DTMFA, but it really is different for everyone. I would think about trying to work with your therapist (or finding a new one?) who will help you determine where that line is for you.
As others upthread have said, the first year of a relationship is supposed to be the limerence-y, fun, easy, getting-to-know-you part. If these were issues you were having in, say, year three of a relationship after an otherwise fairly smooth ride, I might be more inclined to chalk some of this up to stress and would probably be on team "work it out".
But three months in? That's still supposed to be the "best behavior" time of the relationship. If there's already trouble during the honeymoon phase, I'm less inclined to encourage you to stick around.
posted by helloimjennsco at 7:37 AM on March 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
As others upthread have said, the first year of a relationship is supposed to be the limerence-y, fun, easy, getting-to-know-you part. If these were issues you were having in, say, year three of a relationship after an otherwise fairly smooth ride, I might be more inclined to chalk some of this up to stress and would probably be on team "work it out".
But three months in? That's still supposed to be the "best behavior" time of the relationship. If there's already trouble during the honeymoon phase, I'm less inclined to encourage you to stick around.
posted by helloimjennsco at 7:37 AM on March 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
It's funny to read this, because I just had my person break up with me last month after a 6 month relationship. I'm the person you are dating in your situation though - I had a whole lot of emotional baggage to deal with, a tumultuous past, and I also got displaced from my housing during the last months of our relationship. That was really tough on us, while the person I'm dating came from a really stable and placid background.
Something I wish I understood earlier on is that we both started having difficulty saying exactly what we felt and vulnerably deep down, even though we both technically are fantastic communicators. We never fought, but we both were slightly conflict avoidant and tended to shut down or refrain from saying stuff when we were uncomfortable, or trying to accomodate the other person's needs while trying to figure out where our needs fit into this. It's funny, because we both talked about how in our previous relationships that we were like that, and strived to avoid that repeating that behavior in both of us, but honestly? It is very, very hard to sit in your truth and then say it to the other person, especially when you really want it to work out.
I think when things get this exhausting, it seems like to both sides that already having discussions once is enough to get across the point, and to talk anymore seems like excessive or a problem. But the thing is, maybe it isn't. Maybe you two are on two totally seperate pages, and maybe both of you are not really clear on what the problem is.
But the number one thing that I wish we both talked to eachother about was, "There are three people in this relationship, you, me, and the relationship. Is the relationship helping both of us individually? Are we happy and energized to be in this? What would help us be our best selves?" We maybe could have not broken up if we had this conversation sooner, I don't think we ever had that conversation actually, but he made the decision to break up with me because he wasn't happy anymore, and I respect that.
I've done a lot of self-work in the past month, and took all the time that we would have had together and used it on myself, and I feel like a dramatically different person. The breakup was a deeply motivating factor for me to figure out what was preventing my happiness, and what I really needed to do to reclaim a sense of power, aliveness, and peace inside of myself. (My anxiety really fucked me over and I spent a lot of time reclaiming myself from that.) I have realized that there were so many things that made it difficult for me to bring up with the person that I am dating, that I wasn't really sure if I was happy and getting what I really needed, and then felt scared about having to breach the topic about whether I was getting what i needed. I wasn't even completely sure what he needed either, sometimes, but we didn't talk about it and take a pulse on the relationship. I also feel like I am not shrinking myself anymore, and can see how I had patterns of behaviors that made me feel it was scary and difficult to talk and communicate. But I cared so much about the relationship over my own well-being, sense of peace, and personal expansiveness, that I was willing to sacrifice to do anything to make it work. But I think it's important to realize how vital and important you are, and that you need to feel free.
If you really need to, take a long break and have each person focus hard and reflect on themselves. But also, it's okay if this relationship ends. Sometimes it's very hard to go together for a long period of time, especially if there hasn't been a chance yet to have a reset button to really see very clearly what is going on.
posted by yueliang at 5:36 PM on March 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
Something I wish I understood earlier on is that we both started having difficulty saying exactly what we felt and vulnerably deep down, even though we both technically are fantastic communicators. We never fought, but we both were slightly conflict avoidant and tended to shut down or refrain from saying stuff when we were uncomfortable, or trying to accomodate the other person's needs while trying to figure out where our needs fit into this. It's funny, because we both talked about how in our previous relationships that we were like that, and strived to avoid that repeating that behavior in both of us, but honestly? It is very, very hard to sit in your truth and then say it to the other person, especially when you really want it to work out.
I think when things get this exhausting, it seems like to both sides that already having discussions once is enough to get across the point, and to talk anymore seems like excessive or a problem. But the thing is, maybe it isn't. Maybe you two are on two totally seperate pages, and maybe both of you are not really clear on what the problem is.
But the number one thing that I wish we both talked to eachother about was, "There are three people in this relationship, you, me, and the relationship. Is the relationship helping both of us individually? Are we happy and energized to be in this? What would help us be our best selves?" We maybe could have not broken up if we had this conversation sooner, I don't think we ever had that conversation actually, but he made the decision to break up with me because he wasn't happy anymore, and I respect that.
I've done a lot of self-work in the past month, and took all the time that we would have had together and used it on myself, and I feel like a dramatically different person. The breakup was a deeply motivating factor for me to figure out what was preventing my happiness, and what I really needed to do to reclaim a sense of power, aliveness, and peace inside of myself. (My anxiety really fucked me over and I spent a lot of time reclaiming myself from that.) I have realized that there were so many things that made it difficult for me to bring up with the person that I am dating, that I wasn't really sure if I was happy and getting what I really needed, and then felt scared about having to breach the topic about whether I was getting what i needed. I wasn't even completely sure what he needed either, sometimes, but we didn't talk about it and take a pulse on the relationship. I also feel like I am not shrinking myself anymore, and can see how I had patterns of behaviors that made me feel it was scary and difficult to talk and communicate. But I cared so much about the relationship over my own well-being, sense of peace, and personal expansiveness, that I was willing to sacrifice to do anything to make it work. But I think it's important to realize how vital and important you are, and that you need to feel free.
If you really need to, take a long break and have each person focus hard and reflect on themselves. But also, it's okay if this relationship ends. Sometimes it's very hard to go together for a long period of time, especially if there hasn't been a chance yet to have a reset button to really see very clearly what is going on.
posted by yueliang at 5:36 PM on March 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
In addition, this Ask is also funny because I also have struggled with co-dependency issues and see a therapist. The person I was dating actually was deeply patient and spent a lot of time with me in the first six months of dating to really work on the relationship. But honestly? I think he just got tired and didn't want to do it anymore, and wasn't sure if he was getting any joy out of it, and I believe that had a large factor in him losing romantic attraction to me. (He did say that there was nothing I could do about it, and it's things that I couldn't change/didn't want to change, but a part of me was deeply skeptical about that and it was more out of respect that he knows he is not responsible for my personal well-being and my own issues, and didn't want to force me to change to please him. Wow, I'm just really laying it all out here, but I wonder if this would help.)
It still stings to hear that, since I already had personal shame about my own issues and bringing that into the relationship, and having it negatively impact the enjoyment of the relationship. However, I also realized that I need a partner who is upfront about their emotional needs and that they are getting exhausted, and maybe we should be re-negotiating about what works and what would make both of us happy, and see which components make us happy. Are my imperfections compatible with his imperfections? Was he willing to make the effort going forward, did it feel good? It's all important questions that I want to share with you.
If you really do enjoy being with him, like him a helluva a lot, and really want to keep it going, then figure out which parts of the relationships are working for you, figure out if it is currently solvable, and then ask if he actually would want to solve it in that way. But you may not be happy at all with the outcome either. I fixed/am fixing my problems because I needed to do it for myself, and realized that it was not giving me the happiness, relationships, or conversations that I wanted. I don't know if I could have changed it for the relationship, since it would have been an external factor that would have felt like a punishment. "If I don't fix my issues correctly in this way, then the relationship can't be saved."
So follow your intuition, and ask yourself if you are really ready to have such a truthful conversation, if you want to have any at all.
posted by yueliang at 5:51 PM on March 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
It still stings to hear that, since I already had personal shame about my own issues and bringing that into the relationship, and having it negatively impact the enjoyment of the relationship. However, I also realized that I need a partner who is upfront about their emotional needs and that they are getting exhausted, and maybe we should be re-negotiating about what works and what would make both of us happy, and see which components make us happy. Are my imperfections compatible with his imperfections? Was he willing to make the effort going forward, did it feel good? It's all important questions that I want to share with you.
If you really do enjoy being with him, like him a helluva a lot, and really want to keep it going, then figure out which parts of the relationships are working for you, figure out if it is currently solvable, and then ask if he actually would want to solve it in that way. But you may not be happy at all with the outcome either. I fixed/am fixing my problems because I needed to do it for myself, and realized that it was not giving me the happiness, relationships, or conversations that I wanted. I don't know if I could have changed it for the relationship, since it would have been an external factor that would have felt like a punishment. "If I don't fix my issues correctly in this way, then the relationship can't be saved."
So follow your intuition, and ask yourself if you are really ready to have such a truthful conversation, if you want to have any at all.
posted by yueliang at 5:51 PM on March 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
Also to clarify - I heavily favorite colfax's comment. There were issues I had with my partner too that I was not addressing and that I needed to say as well but wasn't saying, but I felt like because I was the one with the tumultous history, I felt like I was the only one who had to change, but I also never spoke up about my own negative feelings about that too, hmm... Really, it's worth speaking up and laying everything on the table, and seeing what adjustments need to be made. And if not, then trust yourself and figure out what's best.
You also could go to couple's therapy, if you really wanted to, but I'm also really not sure if that's something you'd want or care to do at this point.
posted by yueliang at 6:11 PM on March 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
You also could go to couple's therapy, if you really wanted to, but I'm also really not sure if that's something you'd want or care to do at this point.
posted by yueliang at 6:11 PM on March 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
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All that said... My advice might be to think about yourself, shut everything out and focus on you. Be entirely "selfish" just as a thought experiment. What do YOU want to do? What do you think? Do that. It is not selfish to take care of ourselves. Our time is limited. Prioritize yourself.
Take care. Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 4:41 AM on March 8, 2017 [7 favorites]