Yet Another Relationship/Sleep Question
December 16, 2016 6:47 PM Subscribe
My partner routinely sleeps much later than I do on the weekends. I'm able to entertain myself when we're at my place, but sitting awake quietly with nothing to do at her place really frustrates me. Any thoughts on coping strategies?
My partner (a woman) and I (a guy) have been dating for about 8 months. No matter how early she goes to bed, she loves to sleep in on the weekends (10:30 am is 'early') whereas no matter how late I stay up, I'm almost always awake by 8:30am, usually by 6:30a-7:00a. At my place (a 1br apartment), I'll usually cuddle with her for a while, then get up / make breakfast for myself / work on my own arts/crafts/design/DIY projects in the living room, or walk 5 min down the street to get coffee or something from a neighborhood cafe. I'm pretty into a variety of hobbies that involve making things, and my place is set up to enable me to do that (quietly)! Usually she wakes up sometime around noon and then we do stuff together for the rest of the day.
She rents a room in a 3br condo in a much less walkable neighborhood. At her place I can't really easily enter/leave (I don't have keys or the code for the garage), and there's nowhere walkable to get food/coffee/etc. She doesn't have really any seating aside from her bed (most of her hobbies are 'go out and do ___' things, so her apartment is really just a place to sleep). As a result, there's no place besides her bed for me to sit if I want to do something on my laptop. Usually by the time she wakes up, I've 1) been laying in bed for 2-3 hours going stir crazy; 2) I'm really craving coffee; 3) I'm very hungry.
This is the first time I've dated someone living in a room-share situation (her other roommates are women, also around our age). I don't want to be disruptive to these other women who have no reason to trust me in their space, so I tend to keep to my girlfriend's room unless she's also up and around. My coping strategy so far has been "shove clif bars in my overnight bag for morning snacking," but that's failed to make me less grumpy.
Tonight, on the way over, I'm going to stop by a grocery store and get a little bottle of coldbrew coffee to hopefully head off the "I am waaaaay too chemically dependent on caffeine" thing, and I'm going to make sure I pack some portable crafty stuff (sketchpad, etc) and headphones. Longer-term, I've asked her if she'd be willing to let me stick a small desk + chair in a corner of her room so I have someplace nicer to sit and do stuff in the mornings while she's asleep. I also plan on upgrading my crappy ancient laptop so puttering around with software dev stuff is less an exercise in complete frustration -- at my place I have a desktop PC and a multi-monitor setup that I built years ago. That said, I'm totally open to ideas for improving my mindset or my circumstances in other ways.
I really don't like the amount of resentment I'm feeling -- I know she wants me to share her space, and it's not fair to ask her to always be the one coming to me, but at the same time, when she comes here, she can sleep in all day to her heart's content, and I have stuff to do. When I go there, I spend a good chunk of my weekend staring at the ceiling, literally or metaphorically. Every now and then I get her up early and we do stuff together and I am totally okay with that, but I think she at least somewhat resents that I wake her up early (which is fair)!
I want to come up with solutions rather than focusing on problems, but I'm getting hung up on the problems. Input would be awesome (even if it's just "dude, get over yourself and listen to music on headphones and try to go back to sleep, because you're being unreasonable.") Have you figured out how to make your peace with this kind of thing? How'd you do it?
My partner (a woman) and I (a guy) have been dating for about 8 months. No matter how early she goes to bed, she loves to sleep in on the weekends (10:30 am is 'early') whereas no matter how late I stay up, I'm almost always awake by 8:30am, usually by 6:30a-7:00a. At my place (a 1br apartment), I'll usually cuddle with her for a while, then get up / make breakfast for myself / work on my own arts/crafts/design/DIY projects in the living room, or walk 5 min down the street to get coffee or something from a neighborhood cafe. I'm pretty into a variety of hobbies that involve making things, and my place is set up to enable me to do that (quietly)! Usually she wakes up sometime around noon and then we do stuff together for the rest of the day.
She rents a room in a 3br condo in a much less walkable neighborhood. At her place I can't really easily enter/leave (I don't have keys or the code for the garage), and there's nowhere walkable to get food/coffee/etc. She doesn't have really any seating aside from her bed (most of her hobbies are 'go out and do ___' things, so her apartment is really just a place to sleep). As a result, there's no place besides her bed for me to sit if I want to do something on my laptop. Usually by the time she wakes up, I've 1) been laying in bed for 2-3 hours going stir crazy; 2) I'm really craving coffee; 3) I'm very hungry.
This is the first time I've dated someone living in a room-share situation (her other roommates are women, also around our age). I don't want to be disruptive to these other women who have no reason to trust me in their space, so I tend to keep to my girlfriend's room unless she's also up and around. My coping strategy so far has been "shove clif bars in my overnight bag for morning snacking," but that's failed to make me less grumpy.
Tonight, on the way over, I'm going to stop by a grocery store and get a little bottle of coldbrew coffee to hopefully head off the "I am waaaaay too chemically dependent on caffeine" thing, and I'm going to make sure I pack some portable crafty stuff (sketchpad, etc) and headphones. Longer-term, I've asked her if she'd be willing to let me stick a small desk + chair in a corner of her room so I have someplace nicer to sit and do stuff in the mornings while she's asleep. I also plan on upgrading my crappy ancient laptop so puttering around with software dev stuff is less an exercise in complete frustration -- at my place I have a desktop PC and a multi-monitor setup that I built years ago. That said, I'm totally open to ideas for improving my mindset or my circumstances in other ways.
I really don't like the amount of resentment I'm feeling -- I know she wants me to share her space, and it's not fair to ask her to always be the one coming to me, but at the same time, when she comes here, she can sleep in all day to her heart's content, and I have stuff to do. When I go there, I spend a good chunk of my weekend staring at the ceiling, literally or metaphorically. Every now and then I get her up early and we do stuff together and I am totally okay with that, but I think she at least somewhat resents that I wake her up early (which is fair)!
I want to come up with solutions rather than focusing on problems, but I'm getting hung up on the problems. Input would be awesome (even if it's just "dude, get over yourself and listen to music on headphones and try to go back to sleep, because you're being unreasonable.") Have you figured out how to make your peace with this kind of thing? How'd you do it?
I don't think it's reasonable for her to ask you to sit quietly in her room until she wakes up. Has she spoken to her roommates about the possibility of you using the common spaces of the apartment in the morning? That seems to be the easiest solution to the food/coffee problems.
posted by crazy with stars at 6:53 PM on December 16, 2016 [39 favorites]
posted by crazy with stars at 6:53 PM on December 16, 2016 [39 favorites]
Yes, I would suggest she talk to her roommates about letting you use the kitchen for a cup of coffee/piece of toast and the living room for a couch to read/sketch/work on your laptop quietly.
Otherwise, sleeping at her place on weekends, when you're looking at 3 hours of sitting in the corner, bored out of your mind, hungry and needing coffee is not reasonable and only going to make you more annoyed with each other over the incompatible weekend morning thing.
The splitting shuttling to each other's space is annoying and the way to make it less so is to make sure that neither of you is basically hobbled in the other's space. But that's what's happening here--when she's at your place, she gets to keep her weekend zen routine, but when you're at her place, you have no accommodation except fucking with her zen. That's not fair to either of you.
posted by crush-onastick at 6:59 PM on December 16, 2016 [17 favorites]
Otherwise, sleeping at her place on weekends, when you're looking at 3 hours of sitting in the corner, bored out of your mind, hungry and needing coffee is not reasonable and only going to make you more annoyed with each other over the incompatible weekend morning thing.
The splitting shuttling to each other's space is annoying and the way to make it less so is to make sure that neither of you is basically hobbled in the other's space. But that's what's happening here--when she's at your place, she gets to keep her weekend zen routine, but when you're at her place, you have no accommodation except fucking with her zen. That's not fair to either of you.
posted by crush-onastick at 6:59 PM on December 16, 2016 [17 favorites]
Why not just go home or otherwise go about your day, and have her call you once she's up and around if she wants to spend the day together?
posted by lakeroon at 7:01 PM on December 16, 2016 [94 favorites]
posted by lakeroon at 7:01 PM on December 16, 2016 [94 favorites]
Have you talked to her about this?
posted by cecic at 7:04 PM on December 16, 2016 [43 favorites]
posted by cecic at 7:04 PM on December 16, 2016 [43 favorites]
I used to have this problem. I started taking my laptop with me to visit this particular ex, who did not eat breakfast. So I worked it out with him to make sure breakfast stuff was available (I could have brought my own food but we went shopping together on Friday nights when I visited for the weekend). While he slept in I would take his dog out for a walk, then make myself breakfast, then put on coffee for him, then web surf, read a book, etc.
You totally can't keep this up. It will drive you crazy. So the two of you need to make accommodations to your different sleep schedules. And that may include changing the 50/50 split, if that's what you have, in terms of hosting if you need to be at home more often to accommodate your own sleep schedule.
With a different ex, I used to sleep in later than he did and he could do very little at my place, so we spent about 70% of our time together at his place and the rest at mine. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:06 PM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
You totally can't keep this up. It will drive you crazy. So the two of you need to make accommodations to your different sleep schedules. And that may include changing the 50/50 split, if that's what you have, in terms of hosting if you need to be at home more often to accommodate your own sleep schedule.
With a different ex, I used to sleep in later than he did and he could do very little at my place, so we spent about 70% of our time together at his place and the rest at mine. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:06 PM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
Bring a book? Or possibly less inconveniently, a smallish device that can do ebooks? The opportunity to laze around in bed with a book in the morning can be quite pleasant, although it may not be to everyone's taste.
posted by figurant at 7:07 PM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by figurant at 7:07 PM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
As a roomie I'd be more than fine with a partner making themselves breakfast in the kitchen and all that but, nah, I don't really want them hanging out on the couch for 3 hours when the partner isn't really even "there."
My vote is sleep at hers during the week and yours on the weekend. Or when you wake up, go out and do stuff and meet up later.
posted by raccoon409 at 7:14 PM on December 16, 2016 [14 favorites]
My vote is sleep at hers during the week and yours on the weekend. Or when you wake up, go out and do stuff and meet up later.
posted by raccoon409 at 7:14 PM on December 16, 2016 [14 favorites]
8 months is a very long time not to have a key to let yourself in and out.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:17 PM on December 16, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:17 PM on December 16, 2016 [15 favorites]
Borrow *her* keys and get the code for the garage from her so you can go out to a coffee shop and putter around. Also, what does she say about it all?
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:19 PM on December 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:19 PM on December 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
What is her and your relationship like with the roommates? If she's friends/friendly with the roommates and you are also friends/friendly with the roommates then I don't think it would be a problem to at least ask them if they wouldn't mind you hanging out in common areas to some extent. I suppose how much depends on a variety of things but particularly how much they utilize the space at that of day; if they're consistently not around in the morning it's less of an imposition. If it's more of a Craigslist roommate situation where no one is particularly close then I would not bother asking, it would definitely be too much.
I get the appeal of wanting to spend the whole day together, but you clearly have things you would like to do in the morning so why not do them and make plans to meet up once she's awake? You could look at it as a source of resentment, but from the opposite point of view you're getting the opportunity to get things done on your own so she can have your undivided attention for the rest of the day.
posted by fox problems at 7:26 PM on December 16, 2016
I get the appeal of wanting to spend the whole day together, but you clearly have things you would like to do in the morning so why not do them and make plans to meet up once she's awake? You could look at it as a source of resentment, but from the opposite point of view you're getting the opportunity to get things done on your own so she can have your undivided attention for the rest of the day.
posted by fox problems at 7:26 PM on December 16, 2016
The red flag is not this (ridiculous) situation where you're expected to sit around quietly doing nothing, trapped, while she sleeps. The red flag is why you haven't talked to her about this. Can you do that? If not, then there's HUGE trouble in this relationship. If you're scared to broach that, you need to ask yourself why. If you just haven't gotten around to it yet, then get around to it today. Communication is an absolutely essential element of a real, adult relationship.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:27 PM on December 16, 2016 [28 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:27 PM on December 16, 2016 [28 favorites]
Good lord I've been married to a late sleeper for over 20 years and I'm not staying in the bedroom (or sometimes the house) 3 hours after I wake up. Make arrangements to take off and have her call you when she wakes up.
posted by randomkeystrike at 7:28 PM on December 16, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by randomkeystrike at 7:28 PM on December 16, 2016 [5 favorites]
A recent article discussed the half night stand. Maybe when you go to her place you could leave in the evening, then get together for brunch.
posted by Oyéah at 7:38 PM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 7:38 PM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Not to threadsit, but some additional, maybe relevant factors:
1) We live about an hour drive apart in perfect, no-traffic conditions, so "go back to my place until she wakes up" or "leave at night and come back in the morning" isn't really a viable solution.
2) She's only lived in her current situation for about four months. Before that, she was living with her parents due to, well, this bloody economy (we're both in our 30s; she had a run of bad job-related luck in 2013-2014). It's a Craigslist housemate situation, so, yup, I'm nervous about imposing on her landlady, who owns/lives in the condo. Maybe it's reasonable to ask for keys? I'm unclear on the ethics of the situation -- as a guy I feel weird asking for a key that would let me access strangers' space too.
3) We have talked about it, and continue to talk about it. Or at least I've told her how I feel and I've discussed the stuff I've already mentioned in my question ("Hey, I know it's more convenient for me to be at your place this weekend, so I'm bringing a folding chair and some clif bars and some iced coffee, let's see if that makes coping with this easier for me.") I think she gets that it's an issue, and we've mostly addressed it by spending time up at my place, but she wants to spend weekends at her place for the next several weeks to make it easier to attend family holiday stuff -- her family is very local, mine's transcontinental, so I think that's a fair ask. Unfortunately it also brings this stuff to a head for me.
There is a bit of a trend of somewhat thoughtless decisions on her part (there was a potential askme I didn't end up writing about a situation where she asked me to be her date to an event, but she neglected to tell me she was a guest of honor and I ended up sitting with strangers at another table while she gave a speech and networked). We talked about that particular flavor of situation and resolved it -- she agrees she should've looked into the seating arrangements and warned me about what was coming, given that she knew she was going to be speaking at the event. I am trying to assert my needs and boundaries here. I have directly said "this is not cool and we need to talk about how to resolve it" -- that conversation will probably happen later tonight! Thus my trying to think of things I could propose to fix it, rather than just complaining. :)
posted by Alterscape at 7:42 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
1) We live about an hour drive apart in perfect, no-traffic conditions, so "go back to my place until she wakes up" or "leave at night and come back in the morning" isn't really a viable solution.
2) She's only lived in her current situation for about four months. Before that, she was living with her parents due to, well, this bloody economy (we're both in our 30s; she had a run of bad job-related luck in 2013-2014). It's a Craigslist housemate situation, so, yup, I'm nervous about imposing on her landlady, who owns/lives in the condo. Maybe it's reasonable to ask for keys? I'm unclear on the ethics of the situation -- as a guy I feel weird asking for a key that would let me access strangers' space too.
3) We have talked about it, and continue to talk about it. Or at least I've told her how I feel and I've discussed the stuff I've already mentioned in my question ("Hey, I know it's more convenient for me to be at your place this weekend, so I'm bringing a folding chair and some clif bars and some iced coffee, let's see if that makes coping with this easier for me.") I think she gets that it's an issue, and we've mostly addressed it by spending time up at my place, but she wants to spend weekends at her place for the next several weeks to make it easier to attend family holiday stuff -- her family is very local, mine's transcontinental, so I think that's a fair ask. Unfortunately it also brings this stuff to a head for me.
There is a bit of a trend of somewhat thoughtless decisions on her part (there was a potential askme I didn't end up writing about a situation where she asked me to be her date to an event, but she neglected to tell me she was a guest of honor and I ended up sitting with strangers at another table while she gave a speech and networked). We talked about that particular flavor of situation and resolved it -- she agrees she should've looked into the seating arrangements and warned me about what was coming, given that she knew she was going to be speaking at the event. I am trying to assert my needs and boundaries here. I have directly said "this is not cool and we need to talk about how to resolve it" -- that conversation will probably happen later tonight! Thus my trying to think of things I could propose to fix it, rather than just complaining. :)
posted by Alterscape at 7:42 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: "I think she gets that it's an issue" says you haven't come right out and said, "Hey, this is an uncomfortable situation for me. How can we compromise so my time here isn't spent watching you sleep?" TALK to her. Don't assume she knows it's a real issue that needs addressing.
posted by cecic at 7:57 PM on December 16, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by cecic at 7:57 PM on December 16, 2016 [16 favorites]
I'm a morning person who wakes up Ready To Go. The only thing I'd be ok with in this situation would be to get up and go start the day - gym, do some work on the laptop at a coffee shop, etc - with an agreed upon time for meeting, say 10 or 11 or whatever. I would NOT be ok with "hang out awkwardly in common areas of house " or with "call me when you wake up" either. I'd need to know when we're going to meet in order to plan and execute the morning. You can sleep in and still have an alarm set for 10:30.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:58 PM on December 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:58 PM on December 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I was once in a relationship where our sleep scheduled worked the same way. I kept a book and some craft supplies (I'm a knitter) at their house for weekend mornings when my partner slept in.
I'll also say that it's a little unusual that, after eight months, you don't have keys or codes to come and go freely when you're at her place (I get the share thing, but honestly unless her roommates are unbelievably rigid, that's not really an excuse), nor do you feel entirely comfortable keeping things there, you don't feel comfortable enough in her place to do something like go into a different room and turn on the TV, listen to a podcast*, make a phone call*, or literally anything that isn't staring at a wall in the same room as your girlfriend while she sleeps.
Furthermore, it's really weird that you've apparently talked to your girlfriend about this problem, and she didn't have any ideas like "feel free to help yourself to anything from the bookshelf" or "I'll pick up coffee and breakfast things you can feel free to use in the mornings." What the hell was her reaction, "oops, sorry you have to twiddle your thumbs for hours while I sleep?" All of the above is, like, dating for 2 months stuff, not dating for eight months stuff.
Keep in mind, too, that communication is a two way thing. She's not a text-based video game. If she asks you to stay over for a few weekends in a row, you can say, "That sounds fine, but is it OK if I borrow your keys in the mornings so I can make a Starbucks run or something?" If she invites you to an event, you can say, "What's the nature of the event?" and then proceed from there. It's not her responsibility to drop knowledge on you.
*Do you not have a smartphone? Because this sort of time-suck is exactly what smartphones were invented for.
posted by Sara C. at 8:00 PM on December 16, 2016 [11 favorites]
I'll also say that it's a little unusual that, after eight months, you don't have keys or codes to come and go freely when you're at her place (I get the share thing, but honestly unless her roommates are unbelievably rigid, that's not really an excuse), nor do you feel entirely comfortable keeping things there, you don't feel comfortable enough in her place to do something like go into a different room and turn on the TV, listen to a podcast*, make a phone call*, or literally anything that isn't staring at a wall in the same room as your girlfriend while she sleeps.
Furthermore, it's really weird that you've apparently talked to your girlfriend about this problem, and she didn't have any ideas like "feel free to help yourself to anything from the bookshelf" or "I'll pick up coffee and breakfast things you can feel free to use in the mornings." What the hell was her reaction, "oops, sorry you have to twiddle your thumbs for hours while I sleep?" All of the above is, like, dating for 2 months stuff, not dating for eight months stuff.
Keep in mind, too, that communication is a two way thing. She's not a text-based video game. If she asks you to stay over for a few weekends in a row, you can say, "That sounds fine, but is it OK if I borrow your keys in the mornings so I can make a Starbucks run or something?" If she invites you to an event, you can say, "What's the nature of the event?" and then proceed from there. It's not her responsibility to drop knowledge on you.
*Do you not have a smartphone? Because this sort of time-suck is exactly what smartphones were invented for.
posted by Sara C. at 8:00 PM on December 16, 2016 [11 favorites]
You don't necessarily need your own set of keys. She can leave her keys available for you to use. It's bizarre to me that she's not already doing that.
posted by lazuli at 8:13 PM on December 16, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 8:13 PM on December 16, 2016 [11 favorites]
Many all-women roommate situations have a no-copying-keys-for-non-residents rule too. For good reason. But in this case can't you just borrow hers? Or at least get the code, which is easily changed or you can have a guest code.
I'm a morning person and I'd be gone in that situation or not there in the first place. I'd die of boredom after 20 minutes. She is being really inconsiderate of you and her roommates btw.
posted by fshgrl at 8:24 PM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'm a morning person and I'd be gone in that situation or not there in the first place. I'd die of boredom after 20 minutes. She is being really inconsiderate of you and her roommates btw.
posted by fshgrl at 8:24 PM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I dont get how she can honest-to-god expect you to stay cooped up in her bedroom while she sleeps to noon as a grown-ass woman in her 30s if she also wants to spend the afternoon with you. If she expects you to wait around for her to sleep in all morning, you have to be able to leave and do your own thing - even if it's drive to starbucks and get coffee and use their wifi.
Can you not leave her apartment at all without a key and (assuming you have access to a vehicle) agree to meet her at starbucks or whatever at noon?
posted by cgg at 8:26 PM on December 16, 2016 [27 favorites]
Can you not leave her apartment at all without a key and (assuming you have access to a vehicle) agree to meet her at starbucks or whatever at noon?
posted by cgg at 8:26 PM on December 16, 2016 [27 favorites]
The thing that stands out for me reading this is that nobody sounds comfortable with the living situation. Which is to say: she and you sound very uncomfortable at the idea of you having keys/access in and out of the house or spending any time in the rest of the house without her. If she lives with several other women and her landlady, have they said anything about not wanting you roaming free by yourself that you know of, or has that just kind of been hinted at as being Not Okay? Because yeah, I can see why other women aren't super cool and froody with a random boyfriend of 8 months having free reign and I'm not sure how to make that situation better.
Option 2: bring your own food and coffee and entertain yourself, sounds like the most reasonable option. Do whatever you can to make yourself more comfortable in her space without disturbing anyone.
I have another option that I kind of hate bringing up because as a person who doesn't get to sleep much at all 5 days a week and can't go back to sleep after being woken up very well, I would hate having anyone ask it of me. But is it at all possible that you could talk her into waking up briefly, just enough to physically let you out of the house, and then you go entertain yourself at a coffee shop for several hours until she wakes up and calls you?
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:29 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Option 2: bring your own food and coffee and entertain yourself, sounds like the most reasonable option. Do whatever you can to make yourself more comfortable in her space without disturbing anyone.
I have another option that I kind of hate bringing up because as a person who doesn't get to sleep much at all 5 days a week and can't go back to sleep after being woken up very well, I would hate having anyone ask it of me. But is it at all possible that you could talk her into waking up briefly, just enough to physically let you out of the house, and then you go entertain yourself at a coffee shop for several hours until she wakes up and calls you?
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:29 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
The solution is you spend most of your couple-y weekend overnights at your place, where she can sleep as late as she desires while you have other things to do, in other parts of the apartment. On the nights when you're staying at hers (which is just a rented room, and I think you're thoughtful and correct about the key situation), she wakes up at a reasonable hour. And if she is a person who 'catches up' on sleep on the weekend, then you're not seeing one another both Friday night and Saturday night, or you're skipping some weekends altogether.
You're casting about for coping strategies, but I think she's being really rude.
posted by furtive_jackanapes at 8:39 PM on December 16, 2016 [11 favorites]
You're casting about for coping strategies, but I think she's being really rude.
posted by furtive_jackanapes at 8:39 PM on December 16, 2016 [11 favorites]
Response by poster: Hey, just wanted to say thank you to everyone! Just had a 30 minute phone conversation where I laid all this out and we talked about it. I think this is on its way to being tagged 'resolved' -- she was on board with "hey, this is bothering me, let's problem-solve it -- here are some things the internet and I cooked up." There's a reason I love her. I could mark way more best answers but "Dude, just communicate" and "seriously, just go somewhere else and plan to meet up later" are stand-out "yea, this helped." So'd everyone else!
posted by Alterscape at 8:50 PM on December 16, 2016 [31 favorites]
posted by Alterscape at 8:50 PM on December 16, 2016 [31 favorites]
Also if she's cordial with her roommates maybe one evening you and she could make them dinner so they could meet you and have a relaxed dinner to get to know you a little. If she's "allowed" to have boyfriends stay over, I can't imagine them objecting to you making coffee. Flipping down in the living room for four hours, okay, weird. But making coffee and cereal for 30 minutes while decently dressed in a bathrobe? No big. Then you could retreat to her room to read/draw/program much less cranky about the situation because you're fed and caffeinated.
Bring some nice coffee to share, and periodically bring muffins or bagels for the housemates, so having you puttering around the kitchen for a few minutes is offset by nice coffee and baked goods. It's a nice way to thank them for the minor inconvenience and grease the wheels of goodwill.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:13 PM on December 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
Bring some nice coffee to share, and periodically bring muffins or bagels for the housemates, so having you puttering around the kitchen for a few minutes is offset by nice coffee and baked goods. It's a nice way to thank them for the minor inconvenience and grease the wheels of goodwill.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:13 PM on December 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
I can sympathize! I started reading this thread at about 5:45, and my husband won't be up and about for at least five hours. I just heard my kids stirring in the other room.* When they were younger, this meant I had a good solid five hour chunk of solo parenting time every weekend. It especially sucked when we were on vacation, in a similar setup to you-- a bedroom in a shared house. So I totally sympathize! (And I am your ghost of Christmas future here, because if this is her pattern in mid-thirties, it's probably locked in for good by now.)
I've gone through phases of being really bitter, and phases of enjoying it, and the difference is whether I feel like my life is on hold and OMG my day is HALF OVER MY WEEKEND IS WASTED. So I'm glad you're sorting it out now. Because as a working professional with hobbies to squeeze into the side, it's a really big ask to give up 1/4 of your weekend to just sitting and being bored. Personally, I'd rather drive home for an hour than have to stay silent and claustrophobic for five hours, but hopefully you'll work out a better option. "I'll leave my keys on the bedside table, can you bring me a blueberry muffin from Starbucks" seems like the easiest option to me.
* while I was writing, kid 1 tiptoed in to ask for cake for breakfast and kid 2 came begging for screens.
posted by instamatic at 3:23 AM on December 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
I've gone through phases of being really bitter, and phases of enjoying it, and the difference is whether I feel like my life is on hold and OMG my day is HALF OVER MY WEEKEND IS WASTED. So I'm glad you're sorting it out now. Because as a working professional with hobbies to squeeze into the side, it's a really big ask to give up 1/4 of your weekend to just sitting and being bored. Personally, I'd rather drive home for an hour than have to stay silent and claustrophobic for five hours, but hopefully you'll work out a better option. "I'll leave my keys on the bedside table, can you bring me a blueberry muffin from Starbucks" seems like the easiest option to me.
* while I was writing, kid 1 tiptoed in to ask for cake for breakfast and kid 2 came begging for screens.
posted by instamatic at 3:23 AM on December 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
As a practical notation, you do NOT need keys to a house where your partner is essentially a lodger and a bunch of other women live. You just need to be able to BORROW her keys so you can get up, leave, drive to get some coffee and breakfast stuff, and come back.
I mean sure it isn't a walkable neighbourhood but there's a Starbucks or a DD or a supermarket or whatever.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:33 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
I mean sure it isn't a walkable neighbourhood but there's a Starbucks or a DD or a supermarket or whatever.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:33 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
If her living arrangements are so non-conducive to the comfort of overnight guests, I think it is totally reasonable to expect her to come to you for stayovers. Maybe you could pay a larger share of the dating expenses or help her with her travel expenses to even things out a bit more.
There is no way I would spend a morning like what you describe yours is like at her place. That is basically my idea of torture.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:11 AM on December 17, 2016
There is no way I would spend a morning like what you describe yours is like at her place. That is basically my idea of torture.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:11 AM on December 17, 2016
Alterscape, I am you and this is literally how I once earned the nickname Fidget Spice. I'm glad you were able to talk this through and find a solution!
posted by Room 641-A at 10:31 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Room 641-A at 10:31 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
If she invites you to an event, you can say, "What's the nature of the event?" and then proceed from there. It's not her responsibility to drop knowledge on you.
I disagree, I feel like the information that you wont be seated together and she is a guest of honor is crucial information that it is absolutely her job to give to you right along with her request that you accompany her. Neglecting to do that was really piss poor on her part.
I think you are being awfully generous and flexible about thos whole situation. I'd consider the forced siting around for hours while she sleeps a total deal breaker, and I would refuse to stay over until the situation was remedied to your comfort. I would not want to be the only one offering up possible solutions either. I would expect her to do a big part of the search for solutions. She sounds really selfish and entitled to me and I bristle on your behalf.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:07 PM on December 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
I disagree, I feel like the information that you wont be seated together and she is a guest of honor is crucial information that it is absolutely her job to give to you right along with her request that you accompany her. Neglecting to do that was really piss poor on her part.
I think you are being awfully generous and flexible about thos whole situation. I'd consider the forced siting around for hours while she sleeps a total deal breaker, and I would refuse to stay over until the situation was remedied to your comfort. I would not want to be the only one offering up possible solutions either. I would expect her to do a big part of the search for solutions. She sounds really selfish and entitled to me and I bristle on your behalf.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:07 PM on December 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I'm glad things went well when you talked about it. Just a suggestion. Consider investing in a good tablet by the way; makes it easier to lug around than a laptop. I have a decent dual-boot (Android/Windows) tablet I can code with in Windows mode, and I have a small inbuilt bluetooth keyboard for it, and mouse. I switch to Android mode when I want specific game aps or to pass the time. I use it for drawing too. You won't get the same kind of use as a fancy desktop rig or even a laptop, but it's so much easier to just grab and go at a moments notice. Doesn't necessarily need to be dual boot, but mine is just because it suits my needs.
Other things-- absolutely get used to the area, go for a walk, figure out where neat things like parks, libraries and coffee shops are, and get the code for the garage.
But some compromise is warranted. I don't wake as early as you, but my fiance likes to sleep in when I'm with him-- it bothers me somewhat because I'm there because I want to spend time with him, and the later we move, the later we get to do cool stuff together, like have breakfast or brunch or go for a walk. I wouldn't want to be at his place waiting for 3 hours for him to rouse-- I think that's kinda excessive. Perhaps you can come to a compromise where when you're together she can wake up 1.5 hours earlier than normal, so you're not spending 3 hours by yourself? I really don't think that's too much to ask. If she values sleeping til 1 that much, then honestly, I'd just head home. That's a lot of the day gone.
I also don't really think its reasonable to omit the fact she was guest of honor and you'd be sitting alone-- I feel like its a given for you to assume you'd be sitting together at an event she invited you to, so why would you ever ask her if that weren't the case? I don't believe the onus is on you for not getting that information from her. But I don't attribute malice or narcissism on her part. Some people are just... kinda thoughtless. I mean, you can call it selfish, but in my experience certain people are just wrapped up in their own world and don't think of things sometimes. For these people, 'common sense' applies a lot less than for others and if the roles were reversed-- and you invited her to an event and couldn't sit with her, without prior warning-- they wouldn't really care all that much. (If she would care a lot, then yes it's probably a case of her being pretty entitled/selfish). It might be a case of this with her-- you guys might be wired kinda differently. It just doesn't even occur to her to tell you these things; the thought it'd bother you doesn't cross her mind. Which means that you need to use your words a lot more than couples who are on the same wavelength, or you'll keep hitting these massive gaps in your communication.
posted by Dimes at 12:13 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Other things-- absolutely get used to the area, go for a walk, figure out where neat things like parks, libraries and coffee shops are, and get the code for the garage.
But some compromise is warranted. I don't wake as early as you, but my fiance likes to sleep in when I'm with him-- it bothers me somewhat because I'm there because I want to spend time with him, and the later we move, the later we get to do cool stuff together, like have breakfast or brunch or go for a walk. I wouldn't want to be at his place waiting for 3 hours for him to rouse-- I think that's kinda excessive. Perhaps you can come to a compromise where when you're together she can wake up 1.5 hours earlier than normal, so you're not spending 3 hours by yourself? I really don't think that's too much to ask. If she values sleeping til 1 that much, then honestly, I'd just head home. That's a lot of the day gone.
I also don't really think its reasonable to omit the fact she was guest of honor and you'd be sitting alone-- I feel like its a given for you to assume you'd be sitting together at an event she invited you to, so why would you ever ask her if that weren't the case? I don't believe the onus is on you for not getting that information from her. But I don't attribute malice or narcissism on her part. Some people are just... kinda thoughtless. I mean, you can call it selfish, but in my experience certain people are just wrapped up in their own world and don't think of things sometimes. For these people, 'common sense' applies a lot less than for others and if the roles were reversed-- and you invited her to an event and couldn't sit with her, without prior warning-- they wouldn't really care all that much. (If she would care a lot, then yes it's probably a case of her being pretty entitled/selfish). It might be a case of this with her-- you guys might be wired kinda differently. It just doesn't even occur to her to tell you these things; the thought it'd bother you doesn't cross her mind. Which means that you need to use your words a lot more than couples who are on the same wavelength, or you'll keep hitting these massive gaps in your communication.
posted by Dimes at 12:13 PM on December 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
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