49 Day Funeral Customs

October 22, 2016 4:12 PM

My friend, who is Taiwanese American, is having a gathering at his home for his mother’s 49 day funeral ceremony. We will be making paper lotus blossoms. This is in the United States, and we are in our mid-30s. I am not sure what dress is appropriate for the 49 day funeral ceremony. Is it formal black? Casual since we will be making origami lotuses? Also, is it appropriate to bring food and alcohol? Are there more traditional offerings that I should bring? Are there any other customs that I should be aware of for this ceremony?
posted by MS_gal to Society & Culture (5 answers total)

White is the traditional colour of mourning in East Asian cultures, however it is perfectly acceptable to wear any non-bright, and conservative clothing (no bare shoulders or knees).

It is thoughtful to provide a fruit basket or a plate of cookies, which may be used as an offering to the spirit world, however the family usually has that covered. Flowers are OK, too (white or yellow chrysanthemums are best for symbolic reasons). I wouldn't recommend bringing alcohol - intoxicants are frowned upon in Buddhist culture.
posted by travellingincognito at 2:58 AM on October 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

Hi. Taiwanese American here. My mom totally trolled me at my grandmothers funeral in Taiwan by telling me to wear white. I was the only person wearing all white--everyone else was wearing black or black & white. Basically modern Taiwanese mourning clothes are close enough to western standards that as a non-Taiwanese friend of the family attending an event in America, following your regular instincts will be just fine (so for clothes avoid bright colors & stick to dark clothing).
posted by danny the boy at 12:26 PM on October 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

Oh to your other questions, food - sure, alcohol - no. I would veer towards casual rather than formal: like no sweatpants and sneakers, but no one will be wearing a suit and tie.

But feel free to ask your host what to expect. Abstractly, the Taiwanese-American experience is a hybrid of Taiwanese and American culture, neither of which are monolithic anyway. Don't worry too much about faux pas.
posted by danny the boy at 12:54 PM on October 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

Another Taiwanese American here, mostly agree with danny the boy. I remember mostly black or dark mourning clothes at family funeral events I've attended. I'd focus more on American norms, less hangup on Taiwanese (maybe avoid the temptation to orientalize.) I suspect this ceremony isn't a specific ritual with well-established expectations, but rather, your friend's attempt to put something together that will help him process his parent's death and honor her. Or see comment about hybridization - Taiwan's history means it is itself a cultural mishmash, including Chinese and Japanese and indigenous influences, so when you add American influences and growing up with omnipresent access to even more cultures, there's a bit of muddling through and, in my experience, fashioning something that works for you.

I am not sure I would go *casual* - not formal either, though. Aim for respectful. Possibly also prepare to be outside if you'll be burning paper lotuses in the backyard (wild guess.) I wouldn't necessarily bring food, but I might bring flowers or ask if he needs any help (which might include food or drinks or plastic utensils or showing up early to cut paper into correct sizes, etc.)
posted by cdefgfeadgagfe at 4:55 PM on October 23, 2016

Another tw-american here to confirm no bright colours (mostly blacks, whites, neutrals- the last couple funerals I went to in Taiwan were like this, and I actually was surprised at how casually dressed some my cousins were since I wore plain black or white dresses) and no to alcohol, but food and flowers ok.
posted by raw sugar at 10:14 PM on October 23, 2016