How should I best support my students?

October 3, 2016 1:14 PM

I arrived at school this morning only to receive the news that no teacher ever wants to hear. One of my kind, sweet, thoughtful students committed suicide over the weekend.

After I delivered the news to my class, we spent the remainder of the period talking softly, crying, and sharing stories. My high school admin team is very strong. They immediately set-up resource rooms for students and had social workers and counselors on hand to counsel students individually or in small groups.

I left school early and went to buy supplies for making giant cards and decorating the student's chair in the classroom.

I'm at home now. Restless and at loose ends. Devastated. I've read through his most recent essays and remembered his smile on his way out the classroom door on Friday. I know that there was nothing I could have done differently, but I just can't help myself from wondering, from pulling apart our last few conversations.

I want to show up to school tomorrow morning ready to be there for my class. The rest of this semester will be difficult. His empty chair will be a constant reminder. What can I say or do tomorrow and in the days ahead to smooth this path? I bought coloring books and colored pencils for when students need an emotional break and plan to check in with kids as often as possible. What else should I bring? What else should I do?

I have a good support network (lots of love and hugs). Now I need to be there for my students.

posted by WaspEnterprises to Education (13 answers total)

One of my high school teachers had an old comfy couch in his classroom sort of behind his desk. He had an open door policy--as long as he wasn't in the middle of teaching, anyone could come in and just sit or take a nap, talk to him or not talk to him as they needed. Usually kids would go in there and he'd just joke around with them and stuff, but because he had such an easy place to go, it also ended up being where kids would go to cry privately after a breakup or blow off steam about something. He was serious and focused as a teacher, but when you were on his couch you were his friend. It was just a casual, inviting place and he always made his students feel appreciated, respected, and safe.
posted by phunniemee at 1:23 PM on October 3, 2016 [14 favorites]

I'm not sure what you should do exactly, but I can say I've been on the other side of this and what I wondered at the time is what everyone wonders: Could I have done something differently?

On the day it happened, the vice-principal went from class to class and asked to speak to each teacher outside. Presumably to warn them. There was a definite something-is-coming in the air. There were already rumours someone had killed themselves, from people who lived in the same apartment building. So after the teachers were warned, there was an announcement made over the PA. I remember being relieved that I did not recognize the name.

Then as the day went on, I realized that though I didn't recognize the name and thought I didn't know this person, he had been in three (of four!) classes with me. These weren't huge classes. He sat behind me in French class. I remembered having a brief conversation with him once. And that's when I realized he was completely invisible. I'd never noticed. I talked to him once and forgot all about him. And it kind of seemed like everyone else had interacted with him in the same way. There were rumours afterwards that his dad was abusive. I don't know if that's true, but even then I remember thinking about how much it must have sucked, especially if you had a bad home life, to go to school and be invisible. And I felt like who knows, maybe if I'd said hello to him sometimes it would have lifted a straw off the camels back.

I imagine there are many students feeling like that now. I don't know what you can do about that, but I imagine that's the elephant in every classroom.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 1:27 PM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]

If you have the time and capacity it might be a nice gesture to write a personal letter to each of your students telling them what you enjoy about having them in your class.
posted by MadMadam at 1:41 PM on October 3, 2016 [11 favorites]

A good friend of mine killed himself not long after high school ended.

Number of his teachers who attended the funeral: 1

We were all very grateful for his presence. This was a guy whose career was too old to really cross over with rate-my-teacher web sites, but he was so, so beloved by so many students that an entry was created for him even in retirement; he has a straight-up 5 out of 5 and an awful lot of "This man is why I became a teacher myself"-type comments left. It was comforting to have him there.

So -- if you're able, go to the funeral or memorial service or whatever's on offer. Even if you're the only teacher going. My condolences; it's an awful mess of a situation.
posted by kmennie at 2:16 PM on October 3, 2016 [6 favorites]

After sometime (day? week? month?) it may be prudent to change seats so there isn't an empty chair staring people down everyday.

.
posted by raccoon409 at 2:37 PM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]

Also: all I remember from my high school suicide prevention unit is that students may see all the attention placed on the deceased and attempt or commit suicide as well in a copy cat fashion.

I have also found this phrase to be useful: "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
posted by raccoon409 at 2:40 PM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]

I'm so very sorry; I've been through it myself and it just downright sucks. As adults, we want to be there and do everything possible to ease the minds of our students - hold assemblies on suicide prevention, have grief and support groups. Strange to me was that my high school students told me they just wanted things to get back to normal. That may sound harsh, but they didn't want to keep attending memorial services or go to fundraisers in their classmate's memory. They all have to deal with it in their own way, some needed more help than others and there is a network in place for anyone who wants to talk, but they just wanted grieve and then move on.

This tactic is also very congruent with raccoon409's comment about copy cat suicides.

Take it light for the next few days in class, but keep to your routines and slowly get back to where things were with regard to teaching your students. Let them know you're there if they need you.
Again, I'm so sorry.
posted by NoraCharles at 2:46 PM on October 3, 2016 [5 favorites]

Agree with going to the funeral, or an evening memorial service - it's for the living. Mention that you are going and encourage others to attend as well. I feel better when I go to the funeral. It's about caring as a community (often sharing stories) bearing witness to loss, and singing each other into some semblance of salvation.

As for being in the classroom, some flexibility may be in order. Free writing and drum circles are two techniques that educational settings use to help ground smaller student groups.

The students need the routine to resume thoughtfully. Talk to the school guidance counselor. Maybe the students will want to do something like form a team for an Out of The Darkness walk, or take a class in Mental Health First Aid...for all of the restless energy that comes up with grieving/ processing their classmate's suicide.

And yes, a friend of mines teen son committed suicide in February. The church was filled. We just finished a fund-raising walk for organ donation, and have a suicide awareness walk on the horizon. The sister has taken it the hardest, so help those teens be a good support to each other.

Finally, See if anyone is teaching the novel, Slaughterhouse 5, as Billy Pilgrim has textbook PTSD. More people need to know that being unstuck in time is to be expected after trauma
posted by childofTethys at 2:53 PM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]

What else should I do?

If at all possible, try to help the kids figure out how to be caring, respectful and engaged with each other in the here and now. Try to foster greater understanding, compassion and respect for the living, for the people still here. Perhaps the best way to do that is to be patient and compassionate when nerves are frayed in the near future -- in the wake of this tragedy -- and, greet their crabbiness with understanding and cut them some slack.

I attempted suicide in high school. I got judgy reactions from teachers who felt that was wrong of me and I couldn't have real problems. I was one of the top students. People keyed in on that and tried to tell me I had an obligation to be a role model, that I had a good life and so on. The reality is that I had a serious, undiagnosed medical condition and had been sexually abused etc.

I was in no way impressed with the sorts of reactions I got out of most people who learned of my suicide attempt. There was no real compassion for my actual problems. In many cases, there was no concept of me as a human being with problems at all. I was a top student, I must just be privileged and everything in life must be going well for me. I got crabbed at instead of supported.

So I tend to feel skeptical that anyone cares at all about the person who died. I am skeptical that it would get so much import placed on it if the kid attempted suicide and lived through it. None of the people at my high school -- faculty or other students -- even wondered what on earth was so bad in my life that one of the top three students of my graduating class would try to end it. Instead, I got lectured by at least two teachers for what I had done.

That kid cannot be brought back. Going to the funeral or whatever may be meaningful, but it will not bring them back. Instead, try to figure out how to reach out more effectively to the ones who are left. Kids are routinely treated like all that matters is that they "behave" and adults around them often do not stop to think at all about the personal pain that drives so much bad behavior. Trying to view kids who are acting out as people who have problems rather than as people who are problems can dictate a different approach to handling problems as they arise.

That doesn't mean bad behavior is acceptable. But it does mean looking to situational factors first before casting blame and trying to get both sides of the story can go a long way towards getting some of the kids who are hurting the most out from behind the eight ball, so to speak. And, yes, just trying to let things go sometimes when you know for a fact they are dealing with unusual levels of stress.

I really liked the movie Dangerous Minds. I don't know if that would have any place in helping you deal with this, but I think I would at least rewatch it myself if I were dealing with something like this.

I am sorry you are dealing with this.
posted by Michele in California at 3:55 PM on October 3, 2016 [12 favorites]

As a parent whose son died by suicide when he was in high school, it was a blessing to hear the messages and anecdotes about that came in from classmates and teachers. The individuation process really accelerates during the high school years, and I immensely appreciated seeing this glimpse into the person he was becoming when he was off becoming his own person. One of his teachers spoke at Simon's memorial service and had some really amazing stories to tell that I never would have known about otherwise. Even if you don't feel like you're the best person to step in and offer up that kindness, I would encourage you to share with his parents whatever fondly remembered glimpse into your student's best side at school, and to also encourage his classmates to do the same. (to be honest, I lost friends to suicide in high school, undergrad, and grad school, and I never really stopped to think about it from a parent's perspective and I suspect most of your other students won't realize how much those little things like comments on a memorial page or on his social media accounts mean to them).
posted by drlith at 9:03 PM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]

We here in San Francisco have crisis counselors who are dispatched to the school and help structure activities for students to channel their grief. Doing this helps students grieve, but it also helps with an assessment process as there are likely kids who will be more affected than others. They might be those closest to him, but they also might be kids who have been considering killing themselves but couldn't imagine actually doing it who now feel that it's more of a possibility than they had imagined, or it might be someone who feels that they did something that contributed to the outcome even if inadvertently. If your school district has access to teen counselors or wellness type centers, I would hope your administrators will make good use of them.

It's also important that the administration disclose the event (in a way that respects privacy) so that families can be extra tender with their own kids and watch out for their well being as well.

The student's family may or may not want to disclose what went on. Whether they do or not, it's important to emphasize that students shouldn't assume that they know the answer of what put that particular student over the edge. Everyone is hurting and nothing will be helped by trying to figure out someone to blame.

I'm a big believer in activating students' creativity to this kind of event. We had one school where everyone was able to contribute to a memorial to the student - almost like an altar with little notes and sculptures and so on. It was a school with a high percentage of Latino/a students so Day of the Dead type figurines were culturally appropriate. One of the problems with this kind of thing though is figuring out how to dismantle the memorial after a time, as the sculptures tend to get worn down and dusty and everyone feels weird about dismantling them. One school I heard about did a sand mandala type thing outdoors, so it would gradually be blown away over time.

I would try to figure out something to do with his chair. To have it just sitting there empty will get oppressive after a while, and it might feel creepy to have someone move into it. Could it be disassembled and disposed of in some respectful way (e.g., buried)? Or decorated but ultimately moved out of the room at some time point (like a month or two)?

If you'd like me to give you contact information for some of the agencies we have out here who deal with this stuff, just memail me. They wouldn't be able to come out and help directly (if you're not in SF), but they could possibly share some strategies with you.
posted by jasper411 at 9:08 PM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]

I was a freshman in high school when one of my classmates died from suicide. This was a long time ago, but I remember it vividly, and I still consider it a formative moment in my life, even though Josh and I weren’t friends, really. We knew each other, and had a few classes together, but…not tight. And yet I think of him so, so often.

My fancy suburban school had a thorough and helpful (I think?) set of therapeutic processes in place, but the the thing that stands out in my memory, teacher-wise, was seeing our Spanish teacher be sad. Señor Lastname was very young — 25, maybe? — in a school where our other teachers were all veterans, and I remember disliking him, not respecting him, and finding him capricious and underqualified. (I was a salty teen. In retrospect, I’m sure he was fine, honestly.)

But.

He was visibly, really, authentically sad and affected by the fact that Josh — Josh! Josh who sat kitty-corner to me, Josh  — had died. I think Señor got choked up. I found it humanizing and validating. Suicide is confusing, and as a depressive teenager it was something I vaguely romanticized. Seeing Señor Lastname react helped me see the depth of sadness and despair that suicide often entails. It’s correct to be sad. And mad. And confused. And seeing a grown-up do those things validated my own experience.

My classmate Josh died 20 years ago. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel about it. Seeing a teacher, someone in an authority position, demonstrate that true sadness? It’s something that has stayed with me all these years. Maybe it’s important to be “strong” for your students, and I won’t begrudge that ever. But…being real for them can matter, too. Feel free to memail me if you want to talk or process.

Also, rearrange the chairs in your room so there’s no “this is HIS chair” moment; put things in a horseshoe or in duos or clusters or ANYTHING other than how things were. Maybe not right away, but do it soon.
posted by Charity Garfein at 10:37 PM on October 3, 2016 [3 favorites]

I'm so sorry you and your students are experiencing this.

If there's a memorial service or funeral for the student, I'd let the other students know about it, so they can choose to go or not. And perhaps talk to the administration if it's during a school day, so that the students can go and have it be an excused absence.
posted by spinifex23 at 11:54 PM on October 3, 2016