Dealing with minorly obsessive behaviour WRT video games
October 2, 2016 10:36 PM Subscribe
How can I encourage my son to develop self-control with regards video games?
My ten year old son is mostly pretty sensible, polite, well-mannered, exhibits appropriate self-control, readily moves from task to task, does his chores and homework without complaint etc. Turns the TV off as soon as asked to. However, when it comes to computer games (tablet and PC), all that maturity flies out the window, and he’s glued to the screen as much as possible and I have to drag him away, or insist multiple times that he share the tablet with friends or his brother. It’s a real drag.
Of course, the embedded game design is often to make them addictive, just like gambling machines. Well it’s working in his case. There’s always just one more little thing that absolutely has to happen on the game. What he doesn’t realise is that the reason we haven’t got a console is because we’re not happy having to deal with this if/when we get one.
I can certainly insist that he share, or stop playing, but it’s a real drag and I’d like to help him develop the skills to know when to stop. He’s self-aware enough to know this is an issue, and to practise some techniques if we want him to. But how can he work on this? What skills can we work on to get this in balance?
My ten year old son is mostly pretty sensible, polite, well-mannered, exhibits appropriate self-control, readily moves from task to task, does his chores and homework without complaint etc. Turns the TV off as soon as asked to. However, when it comes to computer games (tablet and PC), all that maturity flies out the window, and he’s glued to the screen as much as possible and I have to drag him away, or insist multiple times that he share the tablet with friends or his brother. It’s a real drag.
Of course, the embedded game design is often to make them addictive, just like gambling machines. Well it’s working in his case. There’s always just one more little thing that absolutely has to happen on the game. What he doesn’t realise is that the reason we haven’t got a console is because we’re not happy having to deal with this if/when we get one.
I can certainly insist that he share, or stop playing, but it’s a real drag and I’d like to help him develop the skills to know when to stop. He’s self-aware enough to know this is an issue, and to practise some techniques if we want him to. But how can he work on this? What skills can we work on to get this in balance?
Is he playing games where he can save his progress at any point, or does he typically have to reach a save point to keep his work (and how long does that typically take?), or does it depend on the day / system?
Is he playing all the same games as his brother (just with more resistance to stopping than his brother)?
posted by anonymisc at 12:33 AM on October 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
Is he playing all the same games as his brother (just with more resistance to stopping than his brother)?
posted by anonymisc at 12:33 AM on October 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
Set a gaming time limit or curfew. I don't think a half hour is realistic, but that's up to you to decide. You can extend the hours on weekends or vacations. I think the most important part is to come up with alternatives your son might like. Board games with the whole family? Trivia? Trips to the park or out to get ice cream?
Or something like, "You can play your games once you've had dinner, done your homework, put away the dishes and taken out the trash, until 9, then you can do whatever else, without screens, until bedtime at 10."
Be prepared to shut off the Internet, or take away the tablet. It's not going to be easy or fun. When I was a kid my mom complained about how much time my brother and I spent gaming, but never set any limits. So we did a lot of gaming. And not so good in school. ;)
posted by blackzinfandel at 3:12 AM on October 3, 2016
Or something like, "You can play your games once you've had dinner, done your homework, put away the dishes and taken out the trash, until 9, then you can do whatever else, without screens, until bedtime at 10."
Be prepared to shut off the Internet, or take away the tablet. It's not going to be easy or fun. When I was a kid my mom complained about how much time my brother and I spent gaming, but never set any limits. So we did a lot of gaming. And not so good in school. ;)
posted by blackzinfandel at 3:12 AM on October 3, 2016
When I taught k-6 technology classes, this was a module in my curriculum and I always covered it after they did the healthy eating unit in their health classes. Then I co-opted the food groups analogy and applied it to leisure activities. Ice cream isn't bad, but there is a time and place for it and you can't have it every time you eat. Similarly, video games are not bad but your body and mind need other things too. So you have to balance the leisure time the same way you balance the eating, and make sure you include active time, social time and time spent on learning and creative activities. For the final project, they each had to make a poster illustrating the different 'life groups' we identified, with choices for each one so that they had a menu to pick from.
posted by ficbot at 4:57 AM on October 3, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by ficbot at 4:57 AM on October 3, 2016 [8 favorites]
In addition to settling reasonable and firm limits on time spent gaming, I'd suggest limiting total number of games available at once. This may involve deleting some and adding them back later.
As an avid player of games since childhood, having too many options turns that real cream 'ice cream' to 'frozen dessert product' - some games can even be wholesome but not if the player constantly flits to another new game.
You may also be interested in adding 'wholesome' games to mix. Little dude could be learning logic and math and programming, possibly without even knowing it.
It is unreasonable IMO to expect a 10 year old to self limit what is obviously magical/addictive/most fun ever.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:47 AM on October 3, 2016
As an avid player of games since childhood, having too many options turns that real cream 'ice cream' to 'frozen dessert product' - some games can even be wholesome but not if the player constantly flits to another new game.
You may also be interested in adding 'wholesome' games to mix. Little dude could be learning logic and math and programming, possibly without even knowing it.
It is unreasonable IMO to expect a 10 year old to self limit what is obviously magical/addictive/most fun ever.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:47 AM on October 3, 2016
The games are designed to keep people playing so yah, the family has to help kids regulate (if that is your decision.)
Some successful strategies for us have been:
- Tokens, where each child gets X number of 15-minute tokens that they can cash in for time on the game. Sometimes we've allowed earning of tokens. Downside: my kids started spending a lot of time and energy on gaming the token system because they are Like That. (Including a round of counterfeits showing up!) However it was a very clean system if we patrolled it well.
- Timers - we set a timer at the start of game time and at the end of the timer they have 3 minutes to wrap up. This is what we've stuck with, although I will admit we adults are sometimes inconsistent in the morning on Sunday if it means some extra sleep.
Less successful strategies:
- Trading time on 'good' apps for time on 'bad' apps. This just turned 'good' apps like Duolingo into broccoli vs. ice cream.
- Time use charts. This just led to a lot of arguments like "I don't want to go cheer my brother on because I will lose an hour of leisure time" [I _hear you_ child! And yet it's fun if you go.)
posted by warriorqueen at 6:53 AM on October 3, 2016
Some successful strategies for us have been:
- Tokens, where each child gets X number of 15-minute tokens that they can cash in for time on the game. Sometimes we've allowed earning of tokens. Downside: my kids started spending a lot of time and energy on gaming the token system because they are Like That. (Including a round of counterfeits showing up!) However it was a very clean system if we patrolled it well.
- Timers - we set a timer at the start of game time and at the end of the timer they have 3 minutes to wrap up. This is what we've stuck with, although I will admit we adults are sometimes inconsistent in the morning on Sunday if it means some extra sleep.
Less successful strategies:
- Trading time on 'good' apps for time on 'bad' apps. This just turned 'good' apps like Duolingo into broccoli vs. ice cream.
- Time use charts. This just led to a lot of arguments like "I don't want to go cheer my brother on because I will lose an hour of leisure time" [I _hear you_ child! And yet it's fun if you go.)
posted by warriorqueen at 6:53 AM on October 3, 2016
Reading this Q&A may help you quite a bit. (scroll down to the second picture if you want to get straight to his FAQ) This guy makes his living in the gaming industry and offers some very level headed advice for parenting in that arena, including how to approach game-time.
posted by deadwater at 7:17 AM on October 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by deadwater at 7:17 AM on October 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
Yeah I just want to 2nd the Q&A that deadwater linked above. I like in that Q&A where the author says "Arbitrary limits on “screen time” do not take into account the value of the content the kid is experiencing." I 100% agree with this. Video games provide a huge range of experiences, and many of those can be really valuable and constructive. And if you do go the route of limiting screen time, I just wanted to say that 30 minutes is really really short to me. I play a lot of video games, and 30 minutes wouldn't be enough to finish 1 mission/task in a lot of games.
The key really, as mentioned in the Q&A, is to become more involved. What kinds of games is he playing? Is he learning to build things, solve puzzles, learning to work as a team? These are all valuable things. If he's just shooting aliens or whatever, then maybe work to find a more constructive game, like Portal or whatever. Maybe you can play some games with your son, really see what he's experiencing and why he likes it so much.
posted by FireFountain at 8:51 AM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
The key really, as mentioned in the Q&A, is to become more involved. What kinds of games is he playing? Is he learning to build things, solve puzzles, learning to work as a team? These are all valuable things. If he's just shooting aliens or whatever, then maybe work to find a more constructive game, like Portal or whatever. Maybe you can play some games with your son, really see what he's experiencing and why he likes it so much.
posted by FireFountain at 8:51 AM on October 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Some things that helped with my oldest son:
Buying new games on Friday afternoon and setting aside the weekend for him to play a lot on the new game. After that, it became much easier for him to put it down and focus on other things.
Upping our game in terms of getting him adequate mental stimulation. He was starving mentally and video games were helping him keep his sanity.
At some point, he got a bunch of new games in one fell swoop and spent the next month playing a whole lot. At some point after that, he became much more patient and much more able to take it or leave it. Before that, he was always frustrated because it was mentally like eating a single potato chip at a time as your snack.
posted by Michele in California at 11:07 AM on October 3, 2016
Buying new games on Friday afternoon and setting aside the weekend for him to play a lot on the new game. After that, it became much easier for him to put it down and focus on other things.
Upping our game in terms of getting him adequate mental stimulation. He was starving mentally and video games were helping him keep his sanity.
At some point, he got a bunch of new games in one fell swoop and spent the next month playing a whole lot. At some point after that, he became much more patient and much more able to take it or leave it. Before that, he was always frustrated because it was mentally like eating a single potato chip at a time as your snack.
posted by Michele in California at 11:07 AM on October 3, 2016
I feel there's no permanent good approach for this - you constantly have to adapt as they grow older. What we currently do is we mix overall time limits with "No screens" time windows - so the kids gets only 2 hours per day, that they can only spend between 8:30-10 and 5pm-9pm - they can have more time if they are playing together, which usually leads them to spend an extra hour in each other's minecraft world. After a play session, I try to ask them questions: what did you play? Was it enjoyable? To make them think about the games - having them plan what they're going to play (IE: think about it for 2mn before starting) usually leads them to play more satisfying games.
posted by motdiem2 at 1:49 PM on October 3, 2016
posted by motdiem2 at 1:49 PM on October 3, 2016
Response by poster: Thanks folks for your wisdom. All appreciated. We've already been setting firm time limits, it's getting him to self-actualise them that has been the issue. Mostly he plays Terraria, which I'm fine with. In a way, it's a broader question, how do you get people to deal with early stage addiction.
posted by wilful at 5:37 PM on October 3, 2016
posted by wilful at 5:37 PM on October 3, 2016
Don't make the time limits too firm - if you make him stop when he's in the middle of a level/boss fight and hasn't saved, they'll get annoyed.
Don't nag, just say 'make sure you do one productive thing' before they can game. But if you harp on their gaming too much, they might develop a complex about it later in life.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 6:59 PM on October 3, 2016
Don't nag, just say 'make sure you do one productive thing' before they can game. But if you harp on their gaming too much, they might develop a complex about it later in life.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 6:59 PM on October 3, 2016
Oh and while I think it makes sense to observe, I would not necessarily see this as early addiction. 10 is an age where one can be infatuated with many things. Can he go a couple of days without playing? Say when away at camp or on a school trip ? If so, I wouldn't say he's addicted.
I have very little experience with addiction
posted by motdiem2 at 11:19 PM on October 3, 2016
I have very little experience with addiction
posted by motdiem2 at 11:19 PM on October 3, 2016
I also want to chime back in and say be careful to call it addiction. When I was that age I played Nintendo for hours. I also would read books for hours and hours. In fact there were times my mom had to yell at me to stop reading and do my homework or go eat dinner or go outside. Kids want to do what they want to do, just like adults do and they often have more free time than we do to do those things. I feel like since it's video games people get very touchy around it but if the kid were reading for 5 hours straight most parents wouldn't bat an eye. But to me video games and books are very similar. Anyway just some things to think about.
posted by FireFountain at 8:25 AM on October 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by FireFountain at 8:25 AM on October 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
I too hesitate to call it addition. It's an imaginative escape, like so many things. Sure, everything in moderation (including moderation!)
My one tip, if you insist on time limits, is to help them with warnings. I find A works better than B, because video games are immersive, it's easy to get into a "flow" and lose track of time. Warnings make it easier!
A: Okay, 15 minutes left! [...] Okay, 5 minutes left! (or a timer they can see)
B: Your hour is up, turn it off right now!
posted by sazerac at 3:47 PM on October 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
My one tip, if you insist on time limits, is to help them with warnings. I find A works better than B, because video games are immersive, it's easy to get into a "flow" and lose track of time. Warnings make it easier!
A: Okay, 15 minutes left! [...] Okay, 5 minutes left! (or a timer they can see)
B: Your hour is up, turn it off right now!
posted by sazerac at 3:47 PM on October 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Yes of course, addiction is a word with way too much baggage. But certainly it's something that preys on his mind, the idea of when he will get to play next and how much playing time he will get. He’s active and sociable and plays sport and music, and reads lots, and would balance all these activities well, except he would give them all up to play video games exclusively.
posted by wilful at 3:49 PM on October 4, 2016
posted by wilful at 3:49 PM on October 4, 2016
Growing up, my household had a no TV on school nights rule for the non-adults in the household. In my opinion this policy worked well. It was clear, reaffirmed our family's commitment to school work, and dramatically reduced the number of days that mom had to shout "turn off the tv this instant!" As an adult, I don't watch much tv since I never got into the habit. Admittedly, I'm on the computer plenty. (Computer use was needed for homework so that was the "loop hole" in the policy.)
As an adult, I've set leech block on my web browser and parental controls on (computer) applications on myself so that I can focus at the task at hand. Have you seen Circle?
posted by oceano at 8:52 PM on October 4, 2016
As an adult, I've set leech block on my web browser and parental controls on (computer) applications on myself so that I can focus at the task at hand. Have you seen Circle?
posted by oceano at 8:52 PM on October 4, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by SpacemanStix at 11:36 PM on October 2, 2016