Can I have it all?
September 16, 2016 10:24 AM Subscribe
Advice as I enter my 30s...
So! I'm rapidly approaching 30 and I feel surprisingly...cheerful. This past year was really tough for me (parent died) but I feel unexpectedly optimistic about getting older--the thought of turning 30 is filling me with a sense of freedom instead of dread. Awesome, right??
Well, I don't know how to channel that awesome. I rent a nice apartment, have a good job, have a loving (mostly) cat, could probably use some therapy but generally okay...I've finally started to take health/exercise seriously, I've maintained good social ties/friends, I've made it a priority to travel--I'm finally at the point where I give far less fucks, and it feels so liberating and it feels like a whole new world is opening up. I want to do everything and anything! There's still so much of the world to see, so much to do. Take some time off and live in another country? Intriguing! Go diving with sharks? Sounds cool! I saw a fun dance video the other day, and I thought "I could do that!" It would take a lot of work, but I could learn, right? I just wish I had gotten to this point earlier in my 20s. I always feel like I'm 5 years behind (late bloomer, etc) and now I'm finally ready to dive into all the cool adventures that I normally see people doing in their early-mid-twenties. I wish I had had all that extra time!
At the same time, I feel some anxiety about certain doors starting to swing shut. I really REALLY love the freedom of being single and being totally in control in my life, but there are certain things I think I'd like for my future--like marriage, or owning a house--toward which I haven't made any progress. I'm having a hard time thinking of how to balance this with the life I'm enjoying now: the no-fucks-given, more adventurous and totally unattached, completely free and finally comfortable with myself me. I know I still have time, but home-owning and relationship-getting takes time and I should get started, right? I haven't been in a relationship for a few years and buying a home where I am (LA) would take a lot more penny-pinching than I'm doing now. I used to be pretty set on no kids, but now I'm not 100% sure? It probably doesn't help that most of my friends are getting married/having babies at an alarming rate. While I don't exactly want to join them yet, it does make me feel a bit lonely because there are fewer singletons. I don't want to look up 5 - 10 years from now wishing that I had invested a little more time in finding someone/settling down/starting a family.
This all makes me wonder...I want to do it all, but is that even possible? When will it be too late to do certain things/activities? I know everyone's priorities are different, but given the above, is there stuff I should be doing now to take advantage of my relative youth and freedom vs stuff that can wait?
If you've been through your 30s, give me the benefit of your wisdom, O hivemind! I can already tell that my 30s are gonna bee a sweet spot in my life, and I feel almost anxious about taking full advantage.
So! I'm rapidly approaching 30 and I feel surprisingly...cheerful. This past year was really tough for me (parent died) but I feel unexpectedly optimistic about getting older--the thought of turning 30 is filling me with a sense of freedom instead of dread. Awesome, right??
Well, I don't know how to channel that awesome. I rent a nice apartment, have a good job, have a loving (mostly) cat, could probably use some therapy but generally okay...I've finally started to take health/exercise seriously, I've maintained good social ties/friends, I've made it a priority to travel--I'm finally at the point where I give far less fucks, and it feels so liberating and it feels like a whole new world is opening up. I want to do everything and anything! There's still so much of the world to see, so much to do. Take some time off and live in another country? Intriguing! Go diving with sharks? Sounds cool! I saw a fun dance video the other day, and I thought "I could do that!" It would take a lot of work, but I could learn, right? I just wish I had gotten to this point earlier in my 20s. I always feel like I'm 5 years behind (late bloomer, etc) and now I'm finally ready to dive into all the cool adventures that I normally see people doing in their early-mid-twenties. I wish I had had all that extra time!
At the same time, I feel some anxiety about certain doors starting to swing shut. I really REALLY love the freedom of being single and being totally in control in my life, but there are certain things I think I'd like for my future--like marriage, or owning a house--toward which I haven't made any progress. I'm having a hard time thinking of how to balance this with the life I'm enjoying now: the no-fucks-given, more adventurous and totally unattached, completely free and finally comfortable with myself me. I know I still have time, but home-owning and relationship-getting takes time and I should get started, right? I haven't been in a relationship for a few years and buying a home where I am (LA) would take a lot more penny-pinching than I'm doing now. I used to be pretty set on no kids, but now I'm not 100% sure? It probably doesn't help that most of my friends are getting married/having babies at an alarming rate. While I don't exactly want to join them yet, it does make me feel a bit lonely because there are fewer singletons. I don't want to look up 5 - 10 years from now wishing that I had invested a little more time in finding someone/settling down/starting a family.
This all makes me wonder...I want to do it all, but is that even possible? When will it be too late to do certain things/activities? I know everyone's priorities are different, but given the above, is there stuff I should be doing now to take advantage of my relative youth and freedom vs stuff that can wait?
If you've been through your 30s, give me the benefit of your wisdom, O hivemind! I can already tell that my 30s are gonna bee a sweet spot in my life, and I feel almost anxious about taking full advantage.
What you consider your too late and what I consider my too late are different things. Don't compare your life to others' lives.
The one thing I would suggest is keeping your credit in good shape. I completely screwed myself on this in my 20s and 30s and I'm paying for it at 43.
I am 43, never married, no kids. I stand by both of those decisions. I love love but I'm not doing the marriage thing unless I feel real good about it and I feel 0% bad about saying no to a couple people that were just never going to work on that level.
Make a list of things you'd like to do. NOT A BUCKET LIST. Do not treat things you want to do as a someday thing. There are just things you want to do NOWish. At 43 I am starting to see bucket lists from friends and I am reading them as, "here are some nice ideas that I will never do." DO THE THINGS. DO THE THINGS UNTIL YOU CAN NO LONGER DO THE THINGS. Do NOT wait until you CAN'T do the things. Doing the things is the thing.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 10:43 AM on September 16, 2016 [14 favorites]
The one thing I would suggest is keeping your credit in good shape. I completely screwed myself on this in my 20s and 30s and I'm paying for it at 43.
I am 43, never married, no kids. I stand by both of those decisions. I love love but I'm not doing the marriage thing unless I feel real good about it and I feel 0% bad about saying no to a couple people that were just never going to work on that level.
Make a list of things you'd like to do. NOT A BUCKET LIST. Do not treat things you want to do as a someday thing. There are just things you want to do NOWish. At 43 I am starting to see bucket lists from friends and I am reading them as, "here are some nice ideas that I will never do." DO THE THINGS. DO THE THINGS UNTIL YOU CAN NO LONGER DO THE THINGS. Do NOT wait until you CAN'T do the things. Doing the things is the thing.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 10:43 AM on September 16, 2016 [14 favorites]
No one has it "all," because it's utterly impossible.
You have a lot of time to work out the things you want (and don't want), and from my experience, some things happen faster the older you get. eg, the long courtships before marriage of your 20s, tend to morph into shorter courtships before various types of commitment (marriage and/or homeowndership together and/or kids) of your 30s or even 40s; or work successes may come more readily, or big decisions just may be easier to make.
From your statements, and from my experience, I would give the following advice:
Be cautious with lifestyle spending. You can always use more money to make your goals happen whether it's travel or kids or home-buying. So evaluate any time you increase your regular spending (eg, be careful of the monthly gym membership you never use, the extra data on your phone you never use, the late fees, the fast fashion, the parking tickets, the apartment you can't quite afford. the meals out too often, wasted items). Try to go without certain things and look for deals where you can.
Be careful not to get too stuck in your habits. Change things up once in a while, continue to take risks, particularly social/emotional ones. This will help you to be more open to opportunities, including but not limited to relationships. I think it also forestalls regrets a little if you know you can find opportunity in a variety of situations.
posted by vunder at 10:52 AM on September 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
You have a lot of time to work out the things you want (and don't want), and from my experience, some things happen faster the older you get. eg, the long courtships before marriage of your 20s, tend to morph into shorter courtships before various types of commitment (marriage and/or homeowndership together and/or kids) of your 30s or even 40s; or work successes may come more readily, or big decisions just may be easier to make.
From your statements, and from my experience, I would give the following advice:
Be cautious with lifestyle spending. You can always use more money to make your goals happen whether it's travel or kids or home-buying. So evaluate any time you increase your regular spending (eg, be careful of the monthly gym membership you never use, the extra data on your phone you never use, the late fees, the fast fashion, the parking tickets, the apartment you can't quite afford. the meals out too often, wasted items). Try to go without certain things and look for deals where you can.
Be careful not to get too stuck in your habits. Change things up once in a while, continue to take risks, particularly social/emotional ones. This will help you to be more open to opportunities, including but not limited to relationships. I think it also forestalls regrets a little if you know you can find opportunity in a variety of situations.
posted by vunder at 10:52 AM on September 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
If you haven't already, start saving for retirement in a Roth or 401K. I didn't start until my early thirties, and I'm late 40s now and worry that I'm running out of time and I don't want to work until I'm 75 to avoid eating cat food at 95. It is literally my one regret in life. You don't want to have to tighten the budget when you are 50 because you spent all your money on your fuck it carefree 30s.
A house is a money pit. If you own in a region with insane property taxes (I'm looking at you, Westchester, New York), then it's not worth it to own. I never understood how a house is an investment anyway. Most people need a mortgage, and after 20+ years of a mortgage, you end up paying two to three times the sale price of the house, and even if your house doubles in value, then you've really just broken even and could have been a renter and let someone else deal with the headaches (although I admittedly have been a renter with a landlord who WAS the headache).
posted by archimago at 11:03 AM on September 16, 2016
A house is a money pit. If you own in a region with insane property taxes (I'm looking at you, Westchester, New York), then it's not worth it to own. I never understood how a house is an investment anyway. Most people need a mortgage, and after 20+ years of a mortgage, you end up paying two to three times the sale price of the house, and even if your house doubles in value, then you've really just broken even and could have been a renter and let someone else deal with the headaches (although I admittedly have been a renter with a landlord who WAS the headache).
posted by archimago at 11:03 AM on September 16, 2016
Think about why you want to buy a house: Is it because that's a proxy for savings? Consider taking what you'd be contributing to home equity and putting that into some sort of long-term/retirement-era savings. Remember that adage that a house can be an investment vehicle (if you manage to time a volatile market right, or generate rental income with it), but a home is an expense.
Save some more money and keep renting. As a homeowner, I've gotta say that the flexibility of renting is really nice.
Relationship-wise, I've got some years on you and am married, and I've gotta say that a heck of a lot of my peers, or a little older than me, are going through hard relationship times. Divorces, separations, lots of counseling, or just confiding over beers that it ain't all it once was. Unless you want kids (I didn't, haven't once regretted that choice). Have relationships that make you a better person. If that seems at some point like a longer relationship would do that, have a longer relationship, but the relationship should always serve all of its participants. Too many don't.
I really like fluffy battle kitten's "no bucket list" thing. Do the things. Do all the things. Make a plan for long-term savings, and stick to that plan or a little more, but do the things.
posted by straw at 11:04 AM on September 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
Save some more money and keep renting. As a homeowner, I've gotta say that the flexibility of renting is really nice.
Relationship-wise, I've got some years on you and am married, and I've gotta say that a heck of a lot of my peers, or a little older than me, are going through hard relationship times. Divorces, separations, lots of counseling, or just confiding over beers that it ain't all it once was. Unless you want kids (I didn't, haven't once regretted that choice). Have relationships that make you a better person. If that seems at some point like a longer relationship would do that, have a longer relationship, but the relationship should always serve all of its participants. Too many don't.
I really like fluffy battle kitten's "no bucket list" thing. Do the things. Do all the things. Make a plan for long-term savings, and stick to that plan or a little more, but do the things.
posted by straw at 11:04 AM on September 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
Whatever you do, don't buy a home in LA*... you're musing about the long term, so don't shackle yourself to a region where water will only become more scarce :)
*If LA means Louisiana, I wouldn't buy property there either, not unless you're really into wetland restoration projects
posted by Drosera at 11:07 AM on September 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
*If LA means Louisiana, I wouldn't buy property there either, not unless you're really into wetland restoration projects
posted by Drosera at 11:07 AM on September 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
When will it be too late to do certain things/activities?
Bad news first: Biology is a son-of-a-bitch for ladies so as much as I wish I could say "it's never too late," there is such a thing as "possibly too late to have a fair number of biological children without a bunch of fertility interventions." So, if you want to maximize your chances of having a fair number of biological children without a bunch of fertility interventions, you may want to be thinking about that now.
The good news is: If you stay healthy, and are smart with your money, it's really never to late to do anything. Including starting a family (if that's what you decide you want), because you don't need to have a "fair number of biological children without a bunch of fertility interventions" in order to "have a family".
So... as a 38 year old lady, I say keep doing what you're doing. Don't settle down until you find the place and person that you'd want to settle down in/with. And certainly never settle. On my personal journey, I found the desire to be no-fucks-given, more adventurous and totally unattached, completely free" just kind of faded with time over the course of my 30s, and while I'm attached now, and have a mortgage to pay, and unlikely to go canoeing down the Amazon anytime soon, I am entirely comfortable and happy with my life. Maybe it will never fade for you, and that's fine.
As my peer group is moving in to second children and school-district decisions, I'd be lying if I didn't feel the occasional pang of wishing that I wanted that in my life, but when it comes down to it, being childfree is the best decision I could have made for my life, and if I'd followed the rest of the crowd in my late 20s and early 30s I couldn't have know that.
I repeat this quote from Sheryl Sandberg all the damn time, but it applies with a bit of a twist here: Don't leave before you leave. If you enjoy your life now, and it's sustainable, why change? When/if you get to the point that you want a house with a yard and pets and babies, worry about that then.
posted by sparklemotion at 11:11 AM on September 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
Bad news first: Biology is a son-of-a-bitch for ladies so as much as I wish I could say "it's never too late," there is such a thing as "possibly too late to have a fair number of biological children without a bunch of fertility interventions." So, if you want to maximize your chances of having a fair number of biological children without a bunch of fertility interventions, you may want to be thinking about that now.
The good news is: If you stay healthy, and are smart with your money, it's really never to late to do anything. Including starting a family (if that's what you decide you want), because you don't need to have a "fair number of biological children without a bunch of fertility interventions" in order to "have a family".
So... as a 38 year old lady, I say keep doing what you're doing. Don't settle down until you find the place and person that you'd want to settle down in/with. And certainly never settle. On my personal journey, I found the desire to be no-fucks-given, more adventurous and totally unattached, completely free" just kind of faded with time over the course of my 30s, and while I'm attached now, and have a mortgage to pay, and unlikely to go canoeing down the Amazon anytime soon, I am entirely comfortable and happy with my life. Maybe it will never fade for you, and that's fine.
As my peer group is moving in to second children and school-district decisions, I'd be lying if I didn't feel the occasional pang of wishing that I wanted that in my life, but when it comes down to it, being childfree is the best decision I could have made for my life, and if I'd followed the rest of the crowd in my late 20s and early 30s I couldn't have know that.
I repeat this quote from Sheryl Sandberg all the damn time, but it applies with a bit of a twist here: Don't leave before you leave. If you enjoy your life now, and it's sustainable, why change? When/if you get to the point that you want a house with a yard and pets and babies, worry about that then.
posted by sparklemotion at 11:11 AM on September 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
I bought a house last year. I just turned 30. Home ownership is overrated. Now that I own a house I feel stuck, and the freedom of being able to move between apartments to anywhere in the country sounds much better.
posted by a strong female character at 11:20 AM on September 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by a strong female character at 11:20 AM on September 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
I think it's important to know and remember that there are plenty of people who are late 20's, early 30's and in a very similar place. It's only become more common in the last ten years.
Which is why I'm commenting- I'll be 30 next month, feel the same strange mixture of confidence and anxiety, and am wondering if I should be worried that I haven't met the culturally-ingrained first world "milestones" of marriage, kids, and home ownership (or if I even want any of those things). It's both very exciting and very terrifying. I have a stable, decent paying job and an LTR, but I'm still working on a transition to a different career. Until the career transition is complete and solidifies into an equally stable new career, I will admit that I'm wary of putting down roots in the form of marriage/kids/mortgage. I don't know that this is wise. I definitely don't want to chase those things if they're not what I really want. At the same time, I am not going to beat myself up for not having 'achieved' them yet. When I look back at my life, most things fell into place once I was ready. I think the fact that I feel "on the fence" about marriage, kids and a mortgage indicates that if those things are right for me in the end, at this point I'm not quite ready for them. And that's okay.
To answer your question, just as a peer: I try to avoid thinking that it's ever too late to do something. If I say I want to do XYZ., and someone else responds, "You're too old to start XYZ now!", I ask,"Why? What will happen if I start this thing now, as opposed to if I had started it earlier? If I start it now, would that actually be worse than not ever trying to start it at all?"
The best advice an elder ever gave me: "It's not that you don't have time. It's that you don't make time." This idea that time is running out... yes, life is finite and eventually comes to an end, but for many of us, time is more abundant than we think. Everyone's situation is different, but I think it's easy and common to say, for example, that one doesn't have enough time to exercise... but then spend most nights bingewatching Netflix. Both can act as stress relievers after a long day, yes. But which one would you rather be doing? Which one is going to make you feel more content?
There's always an excuse to not do something. People do amazing things every day, in the face of real odds as well as so-called culturally-perceived "odds". No matter what stage of life you're in, you're always going to be in the present moment. Things don't actually happen in the future, they happen in the present. I agree with fluffy battle kitten's comment that Bucket lists are for doing, not for admiring as a list of cool things you'll never actually do. If you want to skydive, call up a skydive service, book an appointment, tell your friends (for accountability), buy the gear and show up and do it.
If you looked at your life, and then took away the concept of time- better yet, took away the concept of numerical AGE- would you be as inclined to question where you are in life? If "going from being in one's 20's one day, to suddenly being in one's 30s the next" wasn't a thing- would we be as worried about all of this?
Age, and the finite nature of life, have their purpose. They help us to value life and not take it for granted. At the same time, age seems like such a red herring. The important thing is to be mindful of the present, and to eliminate needless anxiety about the future and past.
posted by nightrecordings at 11:36 AM on September 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
Which is why I'm commenting- I'll be 30 next month, feel the same strange mixture of confidence and anxiety, and am wondering if I should be worried that I haven't met the culturally-ingrained first world "milestones" of marriage, kids, and home ownership (or if I even want any of those things). It's both very exciting and very terrifying. I have a stable, decent paying job and an LTR, but I'm still working on a transition to a different career. Until the career transition is complete and solidifies into an equally stable new career, I will admit that I'm wary of putting down roots in the form of marriage/kids/mortgage. I don't know that this is wise. I definitely don't want to chase those things if they're not what I really want. At the same time, I am not going to beat myself up for not having 'achieved' them yet. When I look back at my life, most things fell into place once I was ready. I think the fact that I feel "on the fence" about marriage, kids and a mortgage indicates that if those things are right for me in the end, at this point I'm not quite ready for them. And that's okay.
To answer your question, just as a peer: I try to avoid thinking that it's ever too late to do something. If I say I want to do XYZ., and someone else responds, "You're too old to start XYZ now!", I ask,"Why? What will happen if I start this thing now, as opposed to if I had started it earlier? If I start it now, would that actually be worse than not ever trying to start it at all?"
The best advice an elder ever gave me: "It's not that you don't have time. It's that you don't make time." This idea that time is running out... yes, life is finite and eventually comes to an end, but for many of us, time is more abundant than we think. Everyone's situation is different, but I think it's easy and common to say, for example, that one doesn't have enough time to exercise... but then spend most nights bingewatching Netflix. Both can act as stress relievers after a long day, yes. But which one would you rather be doing? Which one is going to make you feel more content?
There's always an excuse to not do something. People do amazing things every day, in the face of real odds as well as so-called culturally-perceived "odds". No matter what stage of life you're in, you're always going to be in the present moment. Things don't actually happen in the future, they happen in the present. I agree with fluffy battle kitten's comment that Bucket lists are for doing, not for admiring as a list of cool things you'll never actually do. If you want to skydive, call up a skydive service, book an appointment, tell your friends (for accountability), buy the gear and show up and do it.
If you looked at your life, and then took away the concept of time- better yet, took away the concept of numerical AGE- would you be as inclined to question where you are in life? If "going from being in one's 20's one day, to suddenly being in one's 30s the next" wasn't a thing- would we be as worried about all of this?
Age, and the finite nature of life, have their purpose. They help us to value life and not take it for granted. At the same time, age seems like such a red herring. The important thing is to be mindful of the present, and to eliminate needless anxiety about the future and past.
posted by nightrecordings at 11:36 AM on September 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
- 2nd do all the fun and ambitious things you've got the capacity to do.
- House: depends on your market. Renting + saving is ok, too. Talk to a financial advisor, do some research. Good to have something for later on.
- Marriage: your odds will change over time, but there's no hard time limit on this one.
- Kids: time limit on this one. (Adoption is possible, but not cheap or uncomplicated.)
- Related: if you're dating someone you wouldn't have kids with because you think they'd be a bad parent, they're not good for you either. Don't waste time on (on balance) bad-feeling relationships at all, kids or no. Recognize bad-feeling relationships early on and GTFO.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:47 AM on September 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
- House: depends on your market. Renting + saving is ok, too. Talk to a financial advisor, do some research. Good to have something for later on.
- Marriage: your odds will change over time, but there's no hard time limit on this one.
- Kids: time limit on this one. (Adoption is possible, but not cheap or uncomplicated.)
- Related: if you're dating someone you wouldn't have kids with because you think they'd be a bad parent, they're not good for you either. Don't waste time on (on balance) bad-feeling relationships at all, kids or no. Recognize bad-feeling relationships early on and GTFO.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:47 AM on September 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
You sound like you have things better together than I did on the cusp of my 30s, but like you could also benefit from some therapy. One of the many things therapy did for me was to help me figure out what I really wanted (and how to get out of my own way so I could do those things). It was one thing to say "I might like to date sometime", and another for my therapist to say, "I think what you're saying is that you want to be in a committed relationship, you're just scared". Feel free to shop around, I didn't click with my first therapist, and a therapist can help you figure out what "all" looks like for You.
posted by ldthomps at 12:00 PM on September 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by ldthomps at 12:00 PM on September 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think there's some excellent advice in this thread, and it's mostly about not burning bridges or needlessly closing doors to activities and resources you may need in the next 10-20 years:
DO preserve your credit rating.
DO save some money for your future, both for your near future (home buying, etc.) and your eventual retirement. Even if it's minimal, take advantage of the time available to you by starting early/now.
DO exercise on a regular basis, even if it's just a little bit a week.
DO travel.
DO take calculated risks and leave yourself open to new and interesting experiences.
DO pay attention to your health and take care of problems before they become crises.
DO visit the dentist on a regular basis.
DO use sunscreen.
etc.
The above won't necessarily let you "have it all", but if you follow it you'll preserve your options.
I would love to give you some universal advice about the big things you are worried about -- getting married, having kids, and/or buying a home -- but those are so personal and situational that I hesitate to make any pronouncements. I will says that I did all three of those in my 30's, and they are awesome and amazing with the right person in your life, or when you are in the right situation. Of course, they are also events that will absolutely change the course of your life and tie you down, so each could be potentially stifling with the wrong person or in the wrong situation. Choose any potential long term partner carefully (but that's hardly novel advice and something you'd do anyway, I imagine).
So rather than tell you to get married, have kids, and/or buy a house, I'll just say that as a 53 year old who's been very happily married for the last 23 years, finding my partner was the single best thing that ever happened to me, and it's kept me happy and on a good path ever since. Having kids has been great, too, but the decision to have kids was really an extension of finding the right person with whom to share my life. Life is challenging, but I've found it a lot easier to rise to those challenges with the right person by my side, sharing the load.
Good luck!
posted by mosk at 4:35 PM on September 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
DO preserve your credit rating.
DO save some money for your future, both for your near future (home buying, etc.) and your eventual retirement. Even if it's minimal, take advantage of the time available to you by starting early/now.
DO exercise on a regular basis, even if it's just a little bit a week.
DO travel.
DO take calculated risks and leave yourself open to new and interesting experiences.
DO pay attention to your health and take care of problems before they become crises.
DO visit the dentist on a regular basis.
DO use sunscreen.
etc.
The above won't necessarily let you "have it all", but if you follow it you'll preserve your options.
I would love to give you some universal advice about the big things you are worried about -- getting married, having kids, and/or buying a home -- but those are so personal and situational that I hesitate to make any pronouncements. I will says that I did all three of those in my 30's, and they are awesome and amazing with the right person in your life, or when you are in the right situation. Of course, they are also events that will absolutely change the course of your life and tie you down, so each could be potentially stifling with the wrong person or in the wrong situation. Choose any potential long term partner carefully (but that's hardly novel advice and something you'd do anyway, I imagine).
So rather than tell you to get married, have kids, and/or buy a house, I'll just say that as a 53 year old who's been very happily married for the last 23 years, finding my partner was the single best thing that ever happened to me, and it's kept me happy and on a good path ever since. Having kids has been great, too, but the decision to have kids was really an extension of finding the right person with whom to share my life. Life is challenging, but I've found it a lot easier to rise to those challenges with the right person by my side, sharing the load.
Good luck!
posted by mosk at 4:35 PM on September 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
I would also like to mention that "all" is bullshit. NOBODY HAS IT ALL. Let me repeat that...NOBODY HAS IT ALL. Get away from ALL. You just need some.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 5:45 PM on September 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 5:45 PM on September 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
The only doors shutting at the cusp of 30 are the ones you're closing behind you. There's nothing stopping you from doing anything you want and are capable of. Absolutely n-thing taking care of your credit rating but apart from that, you really get to follow whatever path you want.
posted by h00py at 2:39 AM on September 17, 2016
posted by h00py at 2:39 AM on September 17, 2016
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You sound just like I did on the eve of my 30s. Suddenly confident, earning enough to enjoy myself, but with pretty much the same energy and bon vivantiness of my 20s. In fact more - because I was doing better on all fronts - a little wiser, much more stable, and about 300x more self aware and self confident.
I have great news for you:
1.) MY THIRTIES WERE (well, they're not over yet but it's close enough that I think I can call it now) AMAZING. My career soared to new heights, I traveled to many new places, I made new friends, I pushed myself creatively, physically and emotionally, I had experiences I had always wanted to have, and some incredible ones I didn't know I wanted to have. You name it. I lived in 3 cities, flew all over the US, made many video games, was in at least 3 bands, recorded my own album, learned to box, learned to surf, learned to cook, the list is long and awesome.
2.) As I head into the last year of my 30s I am gearing up to buy a house, and my relationship is sturdy and solid. If we wanted to get married, we would (it's not that important to us, but if it were, we would totally be there)! And if we wanted to have a kid, we could (just not our thing)! So yes, I was able to have all those good times and build a foundation from which to have those things if I wanted to. The only thing that weighed me down was anxiety about a future I could not imagine.
I had often worried throughout my early 30s like you are now, about whether or not I was sacrificing my future for the lifestyle I wanted to live. Turns out it was all part of building it. Happy, well-rounded people with interesting experiences are attractive to partners and businesses alike. Being your authentic self is the best thing you can do for your future.
How else are you supposed to meet that someone or know where and how you want to settle down?
I want to say that if I could do it all again I would worry less about my future, but honestly, I am sure some of that worry kept me in check and helped me build a robust life. I think it's all about how you approach those worries and what you do with them. It did bother me from time to time and then I would analyze it and realize I was worrying over a future that others wanted for me. When I visualized the road ahead of me, the life I wanted for myself in the long term, and thought about how I have gotten what I've wanted in the past, I felt more and more confident and at ease. It definitely gets less scary as you learn more about yourself.
Take good care of yourself, exercise, eat as best as you can, monitor yourself for bad habits and commit to having as much fun as you can have. You're going to have a blast. :)
posted by pazazygeek at 10:41 AM on September 16, 2016 [11 favorites]