Taking back control of an out-of-control life
July 27, 2016 4:37 AM Subscribe
Throughout my life, the overwhelming feeling has been one of a lack of control over the direction I'm taking and my own affairs. I feel like now, at age 30, I don't have any more control over my life than I did at fifteen. What can I do to take the steering wheel and wrest back some agency?
I feel like all through my adult life, my choices have been made for me by randomness and I have no control over what happens to me. I feel like life is something that happens to me rather than something I actively live and choose what happens to me. In the absence of any sort of logic or order to the way my life unfolds, I've become incredibly superstitious because it at least gives me something to cling onto. I live at a house numbered 13 and the fact literally disturbs me.
I didn't even choose the place where I live - it was just a random set of circumstances (grandmother died, left her house to my family that I now rent cheaply) that dictated to me where I live. I like the house itself, but I'm not fantastically happy about the location it's in. I feel incredibly isolated and I'm sure there are other places where I feel like I'd have a better quality of life, more interesting things to do, or just a change of scenery for a while! But I feel so trapped, trapped by circumstances and unable to just up and leave.
I didn't choose my job - since a layoff in 2014, I've made efforts to try and find something I really want to do, but instead lurched through a succession of short-term temporary jobs that I've ended up taking in a rush because I've run out of "savings." Everything I do seems like this - a snap decision made with few or no other options rather than a considered choice from weighing up the pros and cons. When I'm in a job, I'm at the mercy of instability - right now I'm constantly days away from being unemployed again, because I'm on a temp contract that's officially ended. Once again, I have absolutely no control over a basic aspect of my life. Turning up day-by-day until I'm asked not to is no way to live.
It feels like this is just a difficult, anxiety-inducing period of life - but the reality is that for my entire adult life, it's never been any different. Even when I had a permanent job, it was for a non-profit that was perpetually strapped for cash and regularly failed to pay salaries. The simple fact of whether I was able to afford to eat month-to-month felt like a lottery, and that feeling has never gone away because that fact has never gone away. My whole life feels like some higher power rolling the dice, with me just having to take what I'm given, watch what happens to me like some kind of incredibly boring TV show.
Naturally, I'm a fiercely independent person and this feeling of having absolutely no executive function or agency is incredibly demoralising. On occasion, I've been known to self-sabotage simply so that I get some sort of feeling of having some kind of control over my existence. I'll quit a job at the end of my temp contract rather than waiting to see if I'm good enough to be made permanent, just so I can tell myself "hey, this is a decision I have made for myself about my future." It doesn't matter to the part of my brain that wants to be independent whether it's a good decision - I just need that feeling of having made a decision for myself. I'll say it over and over again to myself in my head - "I've decided, I've made my decision." Even when the decision is a catastrophically poor one, it's cathartic to have the chance to make a decision.
So the question is - how do I, as a working-class person of relatively limited resources in Western terms, wrest back control of my life from the forces of randomness and make it into a life that I actively want to live and experience? If I can't do that, how do I put myself more at ease with the fact that I have no control over my existence? I'm no control freak, but I would like to choose basic things like where I live and what I spend most of my waking hours doing.
Because I've never had this sort of control, I often struggle to figure out what I actually want - I struggle to figure out who I am for much of the time. I feel like a robot with no likes or dislikes of my own, because I'm not allowed to choose to like and dislike things, with just this faint and worsening sense of pointlessness and malaise. I just want to make positive choices for myself.
I feel like all through my adult life, my choices have been made for me by randomness and I have no control over what happens to me. I feel like life is something that happens to me rather than something I actively live and choose what happens to me. In the absence of any sort of logic or order to the way my life unfolds, I've become incredibly superstitious because it at least gives me something to cling onto. I live at a house numbered 13 and the fact literally disturbs me.
I didn't even choose the place where I live - it was just a random set of circumstances (grandmother died, left her house to my family that I now rent cheaply) that dictated to me where I live. I like the house itself, but I'm not fantastically happy about the location it's in. I feel incredibly isolated and I'm sure there are other places where I feel like I'd have a better quality of life, more interesting things to do, or just a change of scenery for a while! But I feel so trapped, trapped by circumstances and unable to just up and leave.
I didn't choose my job - since a layoff in 2014, I've made efforts to try and find something I really want to do, but instead lurched through a succession of short-term temporary jobs that I've ended up taking in a rush because I've run out of "savings." Everything I do seems like this - a snap decision made with few or no other options rather than a considered choice from weighing up the pros and cons. When I'm in a job, I'm at the mercy of instability - right now I'm constantly days away from being unemployed again, because I'm on a temp contract that's officially ended. Once again, I have absolutely no control over a basic aspect of my life. Turning up day-by-day until I'm asked not to is no way to live.
It feels like this is just a difficult, anxiety-inducing period of life - but the reality is that for my entire adult life, it's never been any different. Even when I had a permanent job, it was for a non-profit that was perpetually strapped for cash and regularly failed to pay salaries. The simple fact of whether I was able to afford to eat month-to-month felt like a lottery, and that feeling has never gone away because that fact has never gone away. My whole life feels like some higher power rolling the dice, with me just having to take what I'm given, watch what happens to me like some kind of incredibly boring TV show.
Naturally, I'm a fiercely independent person and this feeling of having absolutely no executive function or agency is incredibly demoralising. On occasion, I've been known to self-sabotage simply so that I get some sort of feeling of having some kind of control over my existence. I'll quit a job at the end of my temp contract rather than waiting to see if I'm good enough to be made permanent, just so I can tell myself "hey, this is a decision I have made for myself about my future." It doesn't matter to the part of my brain that wants to be independent whether it's a good decision - I just need that feeling of having made a decision for myself. I'll say it over and over again to myself in my head - "I've decided, I've made my decision." Even when the decision is a catastrophically poor one, it's cathartic to have the chance to make a decision.
So the question is - how do I, as a working-class person of relatively limited resources in Western terms, wrest back control of my life from the forces of randomness and make it into a life that I actively want to live and experience? If I can't do that, how do I put myself more at ease with the fact that I have no control over my existence? I'm no control freak, but I would like to choose basic things like where I live and what I spend most of my waking hours doing.
Because I've never had this sort of control, I often struggle to figure out what I actually want - I struggle to figure out who I am for much of the time. I feel like a robot with no likes or dislikes of my own, because I'm not allowed to choose to like and dislike things, with just this faint and worsening sense of pointlessness and malaise. I just want to make positive choices for myself.
The bottom line to this is that you need to change your outlook right now, not your life. Changing your entire life will take a lot of work. Changing your outlook will still be hard, but it's a lot less work. Making this change for myself was revolutionary.
Honestly, every single one of your examples above reads like a choice to me. You live in a house that was handed down to you. Why do you live there? Because the rent is cheap, it was easy to find, and you didn't have to do much work to seek a different place to live. You CHOOSE to live there out of convenience.
You work temp jobs. Why? Because you CHOSE to have a shitty job instead of being unemployed. You even refer to this as a snap decision — meaning, there was an ACTUAL DECISION to be made. It may not have been your first choice, but it was still a choice you made.
The truth is, EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS A CHOICE. Yeah, I didn't choose to be born with the gender I have, or the race, or the nationality, but I have chosen how I aproach and respond to those circumstances.
There is an exercise created by Susanne Conrad that you can do to help you see your choices more clearly. Take a big piece of paper and draw a circle on it. Inside the circle, write everything you want in life. It can be anything — a family, a house, a fulfilling career, security, happiness, a baby, a puppy. Whatever.
Outside the circle, write down everything you DON'T want. Insecurity. Helplessness. This shitty job. This shitty relationship. Angain, be specific, and be thorough.
Now, each time you have a decision to make, look at your circle. Every decision — literally, every single decision, no matter how big or small — either moves you inside your circle, or outside your circle. What to eat for dinner? Shitty food will make me feel like shit later, so that moves me outside my circle. Going to a movie tonight instead of working late? Maybe downtime is what I need, so that moves me inside my circle.
Everybody's circle is different, and what's inside or outside your circle might change as your life changes. I suspect "take cheap rent" moved you inside your circle towards something like "have a place to live that I can afford." And "temping job" moved you inside towards "not have to worry about money for a while." But maybe those two items are no longer inside your circle?
The other most powerful thing I've learned about choice is that misery comes from people believing thay are stuck inside every choice they've made. That once you make a choice you are required to stay with it through the end. But that's not true. The happiest and most successful people are constantly examining their choices, course-correcting when things don't work, and moving on.
There is a lot of power in saying "This isn't working for me" instead of just gritting your teeth and powering through it.
posted by Brittanie at 5:30 AM on July 27, 2016 [95 favorites]
Honestly, every single one of your examples above reads like a choice to me. You live in a house that was handed down to you. Why do you live there? Because the rent is cheap, it was easy to find, and you didn't have to do much work to seek a different place to live. You CHOOSE to live there out of convenience.
You work temp jobs. Why? Because you CHOSE to have a shitty job instead of being unemployed. You even refer to this as a snap decision — meaning, there was an ACTUAL DECISION to be made. It may not have been your first choice, but it was still a choice you made.
The truth is, EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS A CHOICE. Yeah, I didn't choose to be born with the gender I have, or the race, or the nationality, but I have chosen how I aproach and respond to those circumstances.
There is an exercise created by Susanne Conrad that you can do to help you see your choices more clearly. Take a big piece of paper and draw a circle on it. Inside the circle, write everything you want in life. It can be anything — a family, a house, a fulfilling career, security, happiness, a baby, a puppy. Whatever.
Outside the circle, write down everything you DON'T want. Insecurity. Helplessness. This shitty job. This shitty relationship. Angain, be specific, and be thorough.
Now, each time you have a decision to make, look at your circle. Every decision — literally, every single decision, no matter how big or small — either moves you inside your circle, or outside your circle. What to eat for dinner? Shitty food will make me feel like shit later, so that moves me outside my circle. Going to a movie tonight instead of working late? Maybe downtime is what I need, so that moves me inside my circle.
Everybody's circle is different, and what's inside or outside your circle might change as your life changes. I suspect "take cheap rent" moved you inside your circle towards something like "have a place to live that I can afford." And "temping job" moved you inside towards "not have to worry about money for a while." But maybe those two items are no longer inside your circle?
The other most powerful thing I've learned about choice is that misery comes from people believing thay are stuck inside every choice they've made. That once you make a choice you are required to stay with it through the end. But that's not true. The happiest and most successful people are constantly examining their choices, course-correcting when things don't work, and moving on.
There is a lot of power in saying "This isn't working for me" instead of just gritting your teeth and powering through it.
posted by Brittanie at 5:30 AM on July 27, 2016 [95 favorites]
I read an article once where they interviewed students from a prestigious university (it might have been Yale) and asked them what their goals were for the future, as you can imagine, most of them were quite lofty. A few decades later the researchers caught up with them all and compared their progress with the students' original ambitions. Some quite small number, like 10%, actually achieved what they set out to do.
When asked how this was accomplished, it turns out that nearly every single one set out a very detailed step by step plan of how to get to their goal. So from graduating, getting the necessary experience to, say, running their own business, they had a roadmap. It meant that even if there bumps along the way, like job losses, these people knew what they had to do to get back on track. They didn't wait for luck to happen, they had a plan. It turns out goal setting and things like five year plans make a huge difference between success and failure. I found this very helpful. Of course, you must first know what it is you want to achieve. Do you?
posted by Jubey at 5:32 AM on July 27, 2016 [10 favorites]
When asked how this was accomplished, it turns out that nearly every single one set out a very detailed step by step plan of how to get to their goal. So from graduating, getting the necessary experience to, say, running their own business, they had a roadmap. It meant that even if there bumps along the way, like job losses, these people knew what they had to do to get back on track. They didn't wait for luck to happen, they had a plan. It turns out goal setting and things like five year plans make a huge difference between success and failure. I found this very helpful. Of course, you must first know what it is you want to achieve. Do you?
posted by Jubey at 5:32 AM on July 27, 2016 [10 favorites]
One way to get a sense of agency right now is to do some reframing of your life choices.
The fact is, you ARE choosing to live where you live, because the rent is cheap and you like the house well enough. People of limited means choose other living arrangements all the time (live with parents, couch surf with friends, sleep on a park bench, rent a room in a flophouse, answer "roommate wanted" ads, etc.) List out all the things you like about where you live. These are what you are choosing.
Feeling empowered about your employment options is a little more difficult, because where you work is not up to only you, and maybe choosing to temp is the only other viable option besides being unemployed for you right now. However, you can choose to look at the upsides of temping... for me that was the try-before-you-buy aspect of getting to see how I like working for a particular employer before signing on. Back when I temped, I was able to tell the service that I was interested in temp-to-hire positions, and even though I sometimes took straight-up temp gigs to fill in the gaps, the service was always looking for more permanent positions for me. I don't know if that is an option for you, but I've gotten several jobs that way.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:37 AM on July 27, 2016
The fact is, you ARE choosing to live where you live, because the rent is cheap and you like the house well enough. People of limited means choose other living arrangements all the time (live with parents, couch surf with friends, sleep on a park bench, rent a room in a flophouse, answer "roommate wanted" ads, etc.) List out all the things you like about where you live. These are what you are choosing.
Feeling empowered about your employment options is a little more difficult, because where you work is not up to only you, and maybe choosing to temp is the only other viable option besides being unemployed for you right now. However, you can choose to look at the upsides of temping... for me that was the try-before-you-buy aspect of getting to see how I like working for a particular employer before signing on. Back when I temped, I was able to tell the service that I was interested in temp-to-hire positions, and even though I sometimes took straight-up temp gigs to fill in the gaps, the service was always looking for more permanent positions for me. I don't know if that is an option for you, but I've gotten several jobs that way.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:37 AM on July 27, 2016
You should decide what you want to do! Decide where you want to live! Then take steps to get that job there.
My criteria for going to work the next day is if I've been paid. If somebody fails to pay you, DO NOT GO BACK. Not once. Volunteer if you want, but this is not a job.
Therapy can help you soul search and decide what you want to do. It can help you feel like you have more agency in your life as well.
posted by Kalmya at 5:38 AM on July 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
My criteria for going to work the next day is if I've been paid. If somebody fails to pay you, DO NOT GO BACK. Not once. Volunteer if you want, but this is not a job.
Therapy can help you soul search and decide what you want to do. It can help you feel like you have more agency in your life as well.
posted by Kalmya at 5:38 AM on July 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
On the "changing your outlook" front, this is going to sound totally off-track, but bear with me a second: This interview with Stephen Colbert really helped me move in that direction myself. In particular, toward the end, the interview moves in the direction of talking about some terrible shit that happened in Colbert's life, and how he accepts it. There's some stuff about faith that doesn't do much for me, although it may for you. But at the very end, he says: "At every moment, we are volunteers." And for whatever reason, that stuck in my head. Things happen to us. Or things happen, and we make choices, but maybe we are so constrained in various ways that what is technically a free choice may not feel much like one. It's hard to consider yourself a "volunteer" for choosing between two kind of shitty things (say, 'whatever temp job will take me' vs. 'homelessness.') But I've gotten a lot of mileage out of the realization that I volunteer for the way I handle my shitty or constrained choices.
To an extent. I'm not entirely a mentally healthy person, you may not be either, and so even there, the range of responses I can volunteer may be limited compared to most people. Maybe you have that problem, too. But still. I have some different options in how I respond to my life circumstances, and it helps me feel more in control of even the out-of-my-control portions of my life to realize that.
So that's one thing. Maybe you can reframe how you think about the life experiences you have so far.
Another thought, though - if your life is chaotic or difficult enough right now that you can't jump up and change jobs and housing situations tomorrow, okay. That is what it is. What can you choose? What little thing can you try that will help you figure out those likes and dislikes you don't have any handle on? Can you go to a coffeeshop and try something other than your usual? Can you read a book you might not normally have read? Can you go for a walk in a direction different than you usually would? Can you do a task at work in a different way than you normally would? Listen to a different radio station? Any little thing. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't, but if not - okay. That's something you've learned about yourself. You liked or disliked something, or maybe figured out that you felt neutral about something. Okay! That's information! Rock on, you. Now try it with something else tomorrow.
There's a lot of life that's not contained in the big choices about where you live and what you work. Maybe you can do some exploration in the less-constrained parts of your life right now, and that will help you figure out how to tackle the bigger things you're not thrilled about.
posted by Stacey at 5:42 AM on July 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
To an extent. I'm not entirely a mentally healthy person, you may not be either, and so even there, the range of responses I can volunteer may be limited compared to most people. Maybe you have that problem, too. But still. I have some different options in how I respond to my life circumstances, and it helps me feel more in control of even the out-of-my-control portions of my life to realize that.
So that's one thing. Maybe you can reframe how you think about the life experiences you have so far.
Another thought, though - if your life is chaotic or difficult enough right now that you can't jump up and change jobs and housing situations tomorrow, okay. That is what it is. What can you choose? What little thing can you try that will help you figure out those likes and dislikes you don't have any handle on? Can you go to a coffeeshop and try something other than your usual? Can you read a book you might not normally have read? Can you go for a walk in a direction different than you usually would? Can you do a task at work in a different way than you normally would? Listen to a different radio station? Any little thing. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't, but if not - okay. That's something you've learned about yourself. You liked or disliked something, or maybe figured out that you felt neutral about something. Okay! That's information! Rock on, you. Now try it with something else tomorrow.
There's a lot of life that's not contained in the big choices about where you live and what you work. Maybe you can do some exploration in the less-constrained parts of your life right now, and that will help you figure out how to tackle the bigger things you're not thrilled about.
posted by Stacey at 5:42 AM on July 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
I'm going to take a (short) different approach, which is to think about the following possibility: Is it the case that an unstable life is making you anxious, or rather that you have anxiety, and this causes you to pursue your life and make decisions in particular ways? Several of the things you talk about could be recast this way. E.g.: I'll quit a job at the end of my temp contract rather than waiting to see if I'm good enough to be made permanent, just so I can tell myself "hey, this is a decision I have made for myself about my future." Also this has been going on for years, across multiple contexts.
Anxiety might not be the 'key,' and could be a symptom of something else. But anyway, it's worth considering, and there is a huge amount of info on anxiety to look at (web, public library, etc.). Why not find some resources that appeal to you and start checking them out, to see if anything rings any bells?
posted by carter at 5:54 AM on July 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
Anxiety might not be the 'key,' and could be a symptom of something else. But anyway, it's worth considering, and there is a huge amount of info on anxiety to look at (web, public library, etc.). Why not find some resources that appeal to you and start checking them out, to see if anything rings any bells?
posted by carter at 5:54 AM on July 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
One thing I've found helpful: recognize when my goals depend on what other people do, and try to refocus them into goals that I alone control. Then I break those goals down further into manageable day-by-day steps.
"I want to have more friends" is a goal that you can only accomplish if other people agree to become your friends. On the other hand, "I'm going to reach out more to people I like" is something you can do by yourself. And if you reach out, and you get rejected -- well, that's on the other person. You've done 100% of your part.
Of course, "I'm going to reach out to people I like" can seem like a big and overwhelming goal even on its own. So break it down to whatever seems like a realistic and manageable goal to you at this point in your life. It might be something big like "Next time I see that nice couple who sit next to me in church, I'm going to invite them over for dinner" or something smaller like "For the next week, I'm going to ask every checkout clerk 'How's your day going?', just to practice social interactions."
The key is to focus on manageable goals that you can accomplish on your own, but that feel like they take you one step closer to where you want to be.
And if part of the problem is that you don't actually know where you want to be -- well, the same principle applies. Your overall goal might be "I want to try new things, and pay attention to whether they feel like they're taking me in a positive direction." And then you can break that down into specific new things you can try today.
posted by yankeefog at 6:08 AM on July 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
"I want to have more friends" is a goal that you can only accomplish if other people agree to become your friends. On the other hand, "I'm going to reach out more to people I like" is something you can do by yourself. And if you reach out, and you get rejected -- well, that's on the other person. You've done 100% of your part.
Of course, "I'm going to reach out to people I like" can seem like a big and overwhelming goal even on its own. So break it down to whatever seems like a realistic and manageable goal to you at this point in your life. It might be something big like "Next time I see that nice couple who sit next to me in church, I'm going to invite them over for dinner" or something smaller like "For the next week, I'm going to ask every checkout clerk 'How's your day going?', just to practice social interactions."
The key is to focus on manageable goals that you can accomplish on your own, but that feel like they take you one step closer to where you want to be.
And if part of the problem is that you don't actually know where you want to be -- well, the same principle applies. Your overall goal might be "I want to try new things, and pay attention to whether they feel like they're taking me in a positive direction." And then you can break that down into specific new things you can try today.
posted by yankeefog at 6:08 AM on July 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
I agree with previous posters that this is about outlook rather than circumstances. Your choices brought you where you are, and you could renounce it all at any time. At it's most basic level, it's like Herman Hesse's Siddartha, you can always "think, fast, and wait." No one can take those options away from you. Everything builds on that. You can choose to get out of bed in the morning, or not. You might lose your job as a result, but you still get to make that choice. Your desire (for things like money, a place to live, clothing) drives your choices. Own that.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 6:17 AM on July 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 6:17 AM on July 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
What DO you feel that you have control over? Start by setting some achievable goals in those areas and proving that you can meet them. What about physical fitness? Education? Bonus if the goal relates to one of your larger frustrations (like education -> better job prospects).
posted by beyond_pink at 6:49 AM on July 27, 2016
posted by beyond_pink at 6:49 AM on July 27, 2016
Here are things I haven't had control over: My dad having an aneurysm, my near-sightedness, the year into which I was born.
Here are things I have had at least some degree of control over: My job, my spouse, my home.
I would see if you can reflect on the things that you really don't control in order to highlight the things you do.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:25 AM on July 27, 2016
Here are things I have had at least some degree of control over: My job, my spouse, my home.
I would see if you can reflect on the things that you really don't control in order to highlight the things you do.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:25 AM on July 27, 2016
I'm seeing an awful lot of "you just need to seize control" from people who don't sound like they've ever been poor.
I didn't choose my job - since a layoff in 2014, I've made efforts to try and find something I really want to do, but instead lurched through a succession of short-term temporary jobs that I've ended up taking in a rush because I've run out of "savings." Everything I do seems like this - a snap decision made with few or no other options rather than a considered choice from weighing up the pros and cons. When I'm in a job, I'm at the mercy of instability - right now I'm constantly days away from being unemployed again, because I'm on a temp contract that's officially ended. Once again, I have absolutely no control over a basic aspect of my life. Turning up day-by-day until I'm asked not to is no way to live.
I'm not sure I can offer you any immediately useful advice. But you're by no means alone.
posted by flabdablet at 7:33 AM on July 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
I didn't choose my job - since a layoff in 2014, I've made efforts to try and find something I really want to do, but instead lurched through a succession of short-term temporary jobs that I've ended up taking in a rush because I've run out of "savings." Everything I do seems like this - a snap decision made with few or no other options rather than a considered choice from weighing up the pros and cons. When I'm in a job, I'm at the mercy of instability - right now I'm constantly days away from being unemployed again, because I'm on a temp contract that's officially ended. Once again, I have absolutely no control over a basic aspect of my life. Turning up day-by-day until I'm asked not to is no way to live.
I'm not sure I can offer you any immediately useful advice. But you're by no means alone.
posted by flabdablet at 7:33 AM on July 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
I would move completely away from the rhetoric of "choice", which has, in our modern times, been the rhetoric of capitalism and neoliberalism. Those statements make logical sense, in that the words can be strung together into a coherent sentence that is recognizable as a train of thought, but they fail to recognize the complex systems of humanity that touch us, push us and pull us. "Well, you chose to be where you are now!" -- as if you made a small handful of decisions, with full knowledge of the consequences, or, at least, you could've taken 5-10 steps to be a fully-informed smart person to have predicted that your present circumstances were the obvious, straight line result of the actions you took.
I find that a lot of people who espouse that philosophy are imagining it for themselves at some point in the future. Like, if you started asking them how they came to be where they are now, it would clearly be a complex story that they hadn't really narrated to themselves before -- when they talk about this individualistic choice thing, it's because they believe that at some point in the future, it'll be self-evident that they've done everything right and are one of the smart people they're telling you to be. It's aspirational. They just haven't been disappointed yet. No one's pulled the rug out from under them yet. They haven't been laid off, or sick with un-affordable deductibles yet.
I think people conflate the kind of choice we get when we go to the grocery store and look at 32 different breakfast cereals and maybe read a few labels, compare a few ingredients and then choose, with the decisions we have to make about our lives, in the contexts in which we find ourselves/other people put us/we land. Some people above have alluded to the fact that often times we are making decisions from a list of only shitty choices. There isn't much recognition given to this concept in our lives, and people don't often talk about how to enjoy life in such a reality.
Think in terms of "decisions."
The reality is, we're surrounded by thousands of circumstances and thousands of possible trajectories, influenced by the thousands of actions that thousands of other people are taking. We're a sea of humanity. Sometimes we can swim in a certain direction, sometimes someone offers us a life jacket, sometimes we're holding on a circle of fellow floaters, sometimes we're all alone in the deep vast ocean. Sometimes we can't make any progress at all, and sometimes a wave picks us up and carries us in just the right direction, really quickly. Or the wrong direction. Rarely can we see shore.
I am a person who floats from thing a to thing b. I'm lucky, because I'm white and there's been this invisible safety net underneath me that means I've almost always been employed, I've always been fed, and I've always been housed. I have a tendency to "hitch my wagon" to my significant others, but have been lucky that they've been decent people. I often feel like I don't "make things happen". I feel like I'm not impressive to other people. My hubby, with whom I've been in love for almost ten years, wants to move overseas. We're going to do it! At our ages and in our medium income/high debt/no savings situation! It would never occur to me to protest or nix the idea. Does that make me a failure? Am I not a go-getter? Should I try to steer the ship? Nah.
All I can tell you is that lately I've tried to come as close to meditation as I can, without sitting and meditating. (Which I've always known would be a life-changing practice for me, but I've never sat down to do it, day after day.) The closest I come to meditation is taking my dogs to the giant dog park, as often as I can. Things are easy there. The dogs are so happy. The other thing I've done recently is, I've decided to find something to take a picture of every day. I'm looking for interesting patterns, light and moments. I started an instagram account, but it's completely private. I don't share that body of work with anyone. I'm not blogging about it or planning a "365 days of interesting photos!" book. It's private. It's not about having an audience. It's mine. Sure, sometimes I share a one-off photo I like on facebook, but I don't announce my private project to anyone. This is a good meditative practice, because sometimes I take a break from work and walk around the block and find NOTHING interesting to take a picture of. I have to work a little harder in those moments, and sometimes I just take a picture of something mildly interesting just to satisfy my assignment. Those "failures" are good for me too. Similar to straight up meditation.
Between the photos and the dog park, I'm suddenly living in the moment more often -- even when not engaged in those projects. I'm listening. I'm calm at work. I feel self-actualized for clusters of moments at a time. I can wash the dishes in the sink without whining.
There are some ways to be you, even in unsatisfying circumstances.
posted by vitabellosi at 8:08 AM on July 27, 2016 [17 favorites]
I find that a lot of people who espouse that philosophy are imagining it for themselves at some point in the future. Like, if you started asking them how they came to be where they are now, it would clearly be a complex story that they hadn't really narrated to themselves before -- when they talk about this individualistic choice thing, it's because they believe that at some point in the future, it'll be self-evident that they've done everything right and are one of the smart people they're telling you to be. It's aspirational. They just haven't been disappointed yet. No one's pulled the rug out from under them yet. They haven't been laid off, or sick with un-affordable deductibles yet.
I think people conflate the kind of choice we get when we go to the grocery store and look at 32 different breakfast cereals and maybe read a few labels, compare a few ingredients and then choose, with the decisions we have to make about our lives, in the contexts in which we find ourselves/other people put us/we land. Some people above have alluded to the fact that often times we are making decisions from a list of only shitty choices. There isn't much recognition given to this concept in our lives, and people don't often talk about how to enjoy life in such a reality.
Think in terms of "decisions."
The reality is, we're surrounded by thousands of circumstances and thousands of possible trajectories, influenced by the thousands of actions that thousands of other people are taking. We're a sea of humanity. Sometimes we can swim in a certain direction, sometimes someone offers us a life jacket, sometimes we're holding on a circle of fellow floaters, sometimes we're all alone in the deep vast ocean. Sometimes we can't make any progress at all, and sometimes a wave picks us up and carries us in just the right direction, really quickly. Or the wrong direction. Rarely can we see shore.
I am a person who floats from thing a to thing b. I'm lucky, because I'm white and there's been this invisible safety net underneath me that means I've almost always been employed, I've always been fed, and I've always been housed. I have a tendency to "hitch my wagon" to my significant others, but have been lucky that they've been decent people. I often feel like I don't "make things happen". I feel like I'm not impressive to other people. My hubby, with whom I've been in love for almost ten years, wants to move overseas. We're going to do it! At our ages and in our medium income/high debt/no savings situation! It would never occur to me to protest or nix the idea. Does that make me a failure? Am I not a go-getter? Should I try to steer the ship? Nah.
All I can tell you is that lately I've tried to come as close to meditation as I can, without sitting and meditating. (Which I've always known would be a life-changing practice for me, but I've never sat down to do it, day after day.) The closest I come to meditation is taking my dogs to the giant dog park, as often as I can. Things are easy there. The dogs are so happy. The other thing I've done recently is, I've decided to find something to take a picture of every day. I'm looking for interesting patterns, light and moments. I started an instagram account, but it's completely private. I don't share that body of work with anyone. I'm not blogging about it or planning a "365 days of interesting photos!" book. It's private. It's not about having an audience. It's mine. Sure, sometimes I share a one-off photo I like on facebook, but I don't announce my private project to anyone. This is a good meditative practice, because sometimes I take a break from work and walk around the block and find NOTHING interesting to take a picture of. I have to work a little harder in those moments, and sometimes I just take a picture of something mildly interesting just to satisfy my assignment. Those "failures" are good for me too. Similar to straight up meditation.
Between the photos and the dog park, I'm suddenly living in the moment more often -- even when not engaged in those projects. I'm listening. I'm calm at work. I feel self-actualized for clusters of moments at a time. I can wash the dishes in the sink without whining.
There are some ways to be you, even in unsatisfying circumstances.
posted by vitabellosi at 8:08 AM on July 27, 2016 [17 favorites]
I didn't choose my job - since a layoff in 2014, I've made efforts to try and find something I really want to do, but instead lurched through a succession of short-term temporary jobs that I've ended up taking in a rush because I've run out of "savings."
"A job I really want to do" and "a succession of short term jobs... at the mercy of instability" are two ends of a continuum. There may be options in between, such as finding a "good enough" job that may not be what you really want to do forever, but would be more stable and give you some breathing room to think about other options. Maybe you've tried this as well, but maybe not. Some people get hung up with schlepping around at crappy little jobs until they can find "the perfect job for me" because they view finding a "good enough job" as settling and abandoning the search for their passion forever.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:15 AM on July 27, 2016
"A job I really want to do" and "a succession of short term jobs... at the mercy of instability" are two ends of a continuum. There may be options in between, such as finding a "good enough" job that may not be what you really want to do forever, but would be more stable and give you some breathing room to think about other options. Maybe you've tried this as well, but maybe not. Some people get hung up with schlepping around at crappy little jobs until they can find "the perfect job for me" because they view finding a "good enough job" as settling and abandoning the search for their passion forever.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:15 AM on July 27, 2016
Yeah, I'm with flabdablet and vitabellosi on this. I read your question and kept muttering, "Welcome to the human condition." Then I read all the answers and was like, "Jeez, where y'all livin' at, Denmark?"
I had your exact problem in the 1990s and I can tell you that it is not, like, incredibly great to get hired permanent from working temp, anyway. It happened to me, and it turned out I was just as resentful and irritable and contemptuous and miserable as before.
I finally cured the problem with grad school, but that was in the 90s, before the higher-ed bubble, when the flabby default decision to go to school for lack of a better idea was still feasible. Here's what you should do: decide you're absolutely going to go back to school when the student loan bubble pops. NOT NOW. When it's feasible. Don't go into nonsense debt. Wait for the bubble to pop. Until it does, quit blaming your character for the fact that you're working temp jobs. You're not just treading water 'til you die, you're monitoring the landscape and looking for your chance. Look forward to school: it's two to four years where you don't have to make any decisions and will work hard for yourself. When you get out, you can move up a bracket or two. If it doesn't feel real enough, apply to a school now and then, just in case you find one that will pay you.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:17 AM on July 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
I had your exact problem in the 1990s and I can tell you that it is not, like, incredibly great to get hired permanent from working temp, anyway. It happened to me, and it turned out I was just as resentful and irritable and contemptuous and miserable as before.
I finally cured the problem with grad school, but that was in the 90s, before the higher-ed bubble, when the flabby default decision to go to school for lack of a better idea was still feasible. Here's what you should do: decide you're absolutely going to go back to school when the student loan bubble pops. NOT NOW. When it's feasible. Don't go into nonsense debt. Wait for the bubble to pop. Until it does, quit blaming your character for the fact that you're working temp jobs. You're not just treading water 'til you die, you're monitoring the landscape and looking for your chance. Look forward to school: it's two to four years where you don't have to make any decisions and will work hard for yourself. When you get out, you can move up a bracket or two. If it doesn't feel real enough, apply to a school now and then, just in case you find one that will pay you.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:17 AM on July 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
One of the most practical things that has helped me feel more in control of my life is to really get serious about budgeting. I have found that tending to my financial life -- setting up retirement accounts, savings accounts, short-term and long-term financial goals, a budget system (I use basically the zero-based budget approach for each paycheck), and savings categories that project future events (annual fees, car repairs, medical expenses, travel, etc) -- has really made me feel much more in charge of my life and capable of handling future events.
posted by megancita at 9:11 AM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by megancita at 9:11 AM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
I agree with vitabellosi that you're not lacking agency so much as your circumstances are kind of crap. You have plenty of agency:
-you decided to live in your grandmother's house (you were not blindfolded, abducted, and locked in there until you signed a lease).
-You decided to stay at a job that only intermittently paid you until you were laid off.
-Possibly because of that experience, you have several times decided to quit a job rather than deal with uncertainty, since you now know that the uncertainty may not pay off in your favor.
You don't fail to make choices so much as you make choices that you regret, and it sounds like you make those choices in a fog of anxiety and maybe a little denial. The way to stop doing this is to come to a full understanding of what you want, and WHY and HOW you make decisions.
A good way to start this process is to start making lots of conscious, low-stakes decisions. For example: if there are more than one grocery store or coffee shop in your town, choose one and decide "this is the one I will go to for the next two months." Decisions like these will either pay off or not, but you won't be significantly worse off if they don't. But each one will teach you something about what you value, and what you're hoping to get out of the choice: is it a particular emotional state? a concrete item or experience? No snap judgments. Spend inordinate amounts of time making a decision. Figure out what makes a decision satisfying for you. Figure out what triggers your regrets. Most importantly: figure out what makes that blind haze of anxiety rise up, and work out how to sit with that anxiety and look at the situation clearly even when it makes you feel panicky.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:11 AM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
-you decided to live in your grandmother's house (you were not blindfolded, abducted, and locked in there until you signed a lease).
-You decided to stay at a job that only intermittently paid you until you were laid off.
-Possibly because of that experience, you have several times decided to quit a job rather than deal with uncertainty, since you now know that the uncertainty may not pay off in your favor.
You don't fail to make choices so much as you make choices that you regret, and it sounds like you make those choices in a fog of anxiety and maybe a little denial. The way to stop doing this is to come to a full understanding of what you want, and WHY and HOW you make decisions.
A good way to start this process is to start making lots of conscious, low-stakes decisions. For example: if there are more than one grocery store or coffee shop in your town, choose one and decide "this is the one I will go to for the next two months." Decisions like these will either pay off or not, but you won't be significantly worse off if they don't. But each one will teach you something about what you value, and what you're hoping to get out of the choice: is it a particular emotional state? a concrete item or experience? No snap judgments. Spend inordinate amounts of time making a decision. Figure out what makes a decision satisfying for you. Figure out what triggers your regrets. Most importantly: figure out what makes that blind haze of anxiety rise up, and work out how to sit with that anxiety and look at the situation clearly even when it makes you feel panicky.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:11 AM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
It I were you, I'd pick one thing to work for -- either a stable job or a better place to live. (I'd choose the former for financial reasons, probably, and because once you find a job, you can look for a house near your work.) Then I'd list the steps to get there and then keep plugging away. If that feels too daunting, I'd pick an easier goal (run a 5k? get a library card?). See yourself successfully exert your will in bigger and more complex ways over time.
posted by salvia at 9:13 AM on July 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 9:13 AM on July 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Agree, this is an outlook. It is the way you are choosing to interpret events.
This especially concerns me:
On occasion, I've been known to self-sabotage simply so that I get some sort of feeling of having some kind of control over my existence.
I'm going to pull out the therapy suggestion because this kind of thinking (along with the superstition) is dangerous to you and I'm concerned you would spiral into paranoia or a related mental illness. You have much more control than you realize, or than you were taught to feel.
Wishing you courage.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:49 AM on July 27, 2016
This especially concerns me:
On occasion, I've been known to self-sabotage simply so that I get some sort of feeling of having some kind of control over my existence.
I'm going to pull out the therapy suggestion because this kind of thinking (along with the superstition) is dangerous to you and I'm concerned you would spiral into paranoia or a related mental illness. You have much more control than you realize, or than you were taught to feel.
Wishing you courage.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:49 AM on July 27, 2016
I keep coming back to this, I guess because your situation is so familiar.
"On occasion, I've been known to self-sabotage simply so that I get some sort of feeling of having some kind of control over my existence."
You know what, you don't have control and you never will because nobody does. Certainly not us filter-feeders down here in the muck, but not the sharks, either. That feeling of control you're after is dangerous. No one is immune, not even captains of industry, not even, let us use him as the visual aid since he's so eminently visible right now, Trump. Consider for just one thing among manymany, the accident of genetics combined with his malignant feeling of control that have together created Trump's inexplicable hairways for the past couple of decades. If he had true control over his existence, would that be his hair? He has abundant feeling of control, though, and that feeling of control has forced him to pitter patter about the earth for the past twenty years with what looks like a monstrous neon rat clinging to his head. Also poor Michael Jackson. He had too much feeling of control over, among manymany things, his nose. Also all the people breaking our hearts by dropping dead from opioid overdose. The feeling of control will destroy us all. What we need is not to feel like we're in control but to realize we have the strength to rebound and endure and prevail in the face of the lack of control that is common to human existence.
I also came back in here to retract my prior mammering about grad school. I think Salvia is right: decide on one Big Future Thing to achieve and then continue to make smaller incremental decisions about how to work toward it. It doesn't matter what the thing is. Decide that you deserve it and decide that you are going to get it and then decide how you're going to get it.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:08 AM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
"On occasion, I've been known to self-sabotage simply so that I get some sort of feeling of having some kind of control over my existence."
You know what, you don't have control and you never will because nobody does. Certainly not us filter-feeders down here in the muck, but not the sharks, either. That feeling of control you're after is dangerous. No one is immune, not even captains of industry, not even, let us use him as the visual aid since he's so eminently visible right now, Trump. Consider for just one thing among manymany, the accident of genetics combined with his malignant feeling of control that have together created Trump's inexplicable hairways for the past couple of decades. If he had true control over his existence, would that be his hair? He has abundant feeling of control, though, and that feeling of control has forced him to pitter patter about the earth for the past twenty years with what looks like a monstrous neon rat clinging to his head. Also poor Michael Jackson. He had too much feeling of control over, among manymany things, his nose. Also all the people breaking our hearts by dropping dead from opioid overdose. The feeling of control will destroy us all. What we need is not to feel like we're in control but to realize we have the strength to rebound and endure and prevail in the face of the lack of control that is common to human existence.
I also came back in here to retract my prior mammering about grad school. I think Salvia is right: decide on one Big Future Thing to achieve and then continue to make smaller incremental decisions about how to work toward it. It doesn't matter what the thing is. Decide that you deserve it and decide that you are going to get it and then decide how you're going to get it.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:08 AM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Some people above have alluded to the fact that often times we are making decisions from a list of only shitty choices. There isn't much recognition given to this concept in our lives, and people don't often talk about how to enjoy life in such a reality.
I just want to circle back and expand a bit on what I said above.
Some of the people who appear to "know what they want and are heading out there to go get it" are often bluffing. A lot of them are pursuing someone else's narration of who they themselves are. I've also come to understand that a lot of people who seem to be "really living their values" have actually just rationalized around their own short comings, and become the only perspective they can be. For example, I know someone who really can't keep it together. She can't follow through on anything, she doesn't clean up after herself, doesn't really come through much for her kid. She's never on time for anything. She sees herself as something of a hippy, someone who doesn't buy in to the bourgeois lifestyle. She once openly laughed and rolled her eyes when she stopped over to our house and saw my husband getting ready to mow our postage-stamp-sized lawn. "You're mowing the lawn [eye roll]" I've come to understand that for all her "alternative" values -- some of which we share, btw -- she's actually a hippy because she can't keep it together. I don't believe this about all "hippies". A lot of them really come through for their kids, for example, and do like to keep a clean house. For her, the values came in after she failed to be able to get things done. Now it's a moral stance for her, but she didn't make a conscious decision to eschew the bourgeoisie. She failed at it, and it's protective for her to pretend that she just didn't want it.
She's not wrong. We *all* do this. You should try it! Not the criticizing other people part of it -- but the part where you find something of your value system in where you are, and then magnify it. Or at least know that everyone else is doing it.
posted by vitabellosi at 9:18 AM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I just want to circle back and expand a bit on what I said above.
Some of the people who appear to "know what they want and are heading out there to go get it" are often bluffing. A lot of them are pursuing someone else's narration of who they themselves are. I've also come to understand that a lot of people who seem to be "really living their values" have actually just rationalized around their own short comings, and become the only perspective they can be. For example, I know someone who really can't keep it together. She can't follow through on anything, she doesn't clean up after herself, doesn't really come through much for her kid. She's never on time for anything. She sees herself as something of a hippy, someone who doesn't buy in to the bourgeois lifestyle. She once openly laughed and rolled her eyes when she stopped over to our house and saw my husband getting ready to mow our postage-stamp-sized lawn. "You're mowing the lawn [eye roll]" I've come to understand that for all her "alternative" values -- some of which we share, btw -- she's actually a hippy because she can't keep it together. I don't believe this about all "hippies". A lot of them really come through for their kids, for example, and do like to keep a clean house. For her, the values came in after she failed to be able to get things done. Now it's a moral stance for her, but she didn't make a conscious decision to eschew the bourgeoisie. She failed at it, and it's protective for her to pretend that she just didn't want it.
She's not wrong. We *all* do this. You should try it! Not the criticizing other people part of it -- but the part where you find something of your value system in where you are, and then magnify it. Or at least know that everyone else is doing it.
posted by vitabellosi at 9:18 AM on July 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
find something of your value system in where you are, and then magnify it.
Yeeees! I totally do this thing. It is so hard to be a functional human being and I am so ridiculously bad at it. If I spent all my time recognizing how terrible I am at every little thing I should have learned to do before I was 12, I'd be miserable. So I declare my most enduring vices virtues. You do have to keep it in check and not let yourself go buckwild, and definitely do not say certain things out loud. A certain someone I love dearly who has a hoarding problem edges into criticizing other people for not having a hoarding problem--"This place is so clean!" Uh... clean is a bad thing? It's bad to avoid storing piles of cereal boxes on the stove? ...?
posted by Don Pepino at 9:44 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yeeees! I totally do this thing. It is so hard to be a functional human being and I am so ridiculously bad at it. If I spent all my time recognizing how terrible I am at every little thing I should have learned to do before I was 12, I'd be miserable. So I declare my most enduring vices virtues. You do have to keep it in check and not let yourself go buckwild, and definitely do not say certain things out loud. A certain someone I love dearly who has a hoarding problem edges into criticizing other people for not having a hoarding problem--"This place is so clean!" Uh... clean is a bad thing? It's bad to avoid storing piles of cereal boxes on the stove? ...?
posted by Don Pepino at 9:44 AM on July 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
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in terms of the practical day to day, the world is a pyramid scheme. there are a lot more spots at the bottom than at the top. but top or bottom, we are all just blips in the cosmic and geologic scale of things. so forget about getting what you want, choose to want what you have. celebrate your corner of the universe, whatever it is. practice shifting your perspective and noticing the little amazing things about existing. meet yourself where you are.
at least 30 min daily exercise(nature walk if possible), write down(or review in your head) 3 things your thankful for each day, and take quiet time.
posted by danjo at 4:58 AM on July 27, 2016 [5 favorites]