How to deal with the fear of physical confrontation
June 29, 2016 2:52 AM Subscribe
How do you overcome the worry and anxiety caused by the prospect of a physical confrontation and the psychological aftermath?
I had a situation the other day that has caused me an unnecessary amount of anxiety. Two youths were hanging around outside my apartment block throwing stones and being a bit of a nuisance. I wasn’t sure what to do and hoped someone else would deal with it, but part of me thought I should go out and confront. In the end they sloped off.
It led to me berating myself a bit for not being more of a man about it and fronting them out. Thing is, I’m not a complete lightweight and have dealt with confrontations before in my lifetime. To the point where a few years ago I got into a fight with two men who were trying to bully me and I ended up going to court and being convicted of assault. It was a sham really as they jumped me, but I had pushed one of them when they were getting in my face and it made it much harder to prove self defence. I got off relatively lightly but I have a criminal record because of it. I’m also a black belt in Shotokan Karate.
And yet I have always felt this horrible nausea and worry if ever the thought of a confrontation is on the cards. I know on an intellectual level that most of these types of bullies are all mouth, but their jedi mind tricks still get into my head and I start worrying about all sorts of outcomes. I suppose I’ve by and large overcome it when it’s mattered, but yet I still lack the confidence to sometimes just go and front these types of bullies and anti social people out. The court case didn’t help as it caused me so much worry and stress as I’d never been in trouble with the law before. Also, my late father was a tough guy with balls of steel. He never ever pressured me to be like this and was a lovely man who simply stood up for himself especially against bullies, but I always did myself down for not being as fearless as him.
I was bullied at school when I was young for a couple of years and though I ended up actually fighting and winning against my bully I think it left some scars and a dent in my confidence in these matters. I also think on some level, despite standing up for myself in the past I feel a fraud and am a coward at heart.
Anyone else ever feel like this? What can I do to overcome it?
I had a situation the other day that has caused me an unnecessary amount of anxiety. Two youths were hanging around outside my apartment block throwing stones and being a bit of a nuisance. I wasn’t sure what to do and hoped someone else would deal with it, but part of me thought I should go out and confront. In the end they sloped off.
It led to me berating myself a bit for not being more of a man about it and fronting them out. Thing is, I’m not a complete lightweight and have dealt with confrontations before in my lifetime. To the point where a few years ago I got into a fight with two men who were trying to bully me and I ended up going to court and being convicted of assault. It was a sham really as they jumped me, but I had pushed one of them when they were getting in my face and it made it much harder to prove self defence. I got off relatively lightly but I have a criminal record because of it. I’m also a black belt in Shotokan Karate.
And yet I have always felt this horrible nausea and worry if ever the thought of a confrontation is on the cards. I know on an intellectual level that most of these types of bullies are all mouth, but their jedi mind tricks still get into my head and I start worrying about all sorts of outcomes. I suppose I’ve by and large overcome it when it’s mattered, but yet I still lack the confidence to sometimes just go and front these types of bullies and anti social people out. The court case didn’t help as it caused me so much worry and stress as I’d never been in trouble with the law before. Also, my late father was a tough guy with balls of steel. He never ever pressured me to be like this and was a lovely man who simply stood up for himself especially against bullies, but I always did myself down for not being as fearless as him.
I was bullied at school when I was young for a couple of years and though I ended up actually fighting and winning against my bully I think it left some scars and a dent in my confidence in these matters. I also think on some level, despite standing up for myself in the past I feel a fraud and am a coward at heart.
Anyone else ever feel like this? What can I do to overcome it?
Your logic is faulty. You do not need to fight or confront anyone, for any reason.
You might want to practice mindfulness meditation, or get into some sort of practice that focuses on non-confrontation and non-violence. I'm entirely serious.
Is it possible your anxiety is in part due to your criminal conviction? It's possible you are not being honest with yourself about the role you played.
Who cares if someone is shitty to you? There's ZERO reason you have to take the bait or "stand up" for yourself. You might also want to look into discussions regarding "Power vs. Force." In your example with the kids, I don't see why you needed to do anything. We live in a (somewhat) civilized society and pay taxes for services. Either call the police if warranted, or stay out of it. It's like you didn't learn anything from your previous experience. Either walk away, or call the authorities if necessary.
So rarely/never do you need to stand up and confront anyone. Especially with a previous conviction, no, you should not be standing up to anybody. You need a whole new philosophy and perspective. Violence is dumb and ugly. Disengage. Refuse to engage. Walk away. That's the lesson.
posted by jbenben at 5:03 AM on June 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
You might want to practice mindfulness meditation, or get into some sort of practice that focuses on non-confrontation and non-violence. I'm entirely serious.
Is it possible your anxiety is in part due to your criminal conviction? It's possible you are not being honest with yourself about the role you played.
Who cares if someone is shitty to you? There's ZERO reason you have to take the bait or "stand up" for yourself. You might also want to look into discussions regarding "Power vs. Force." In your example with the kids, I don't see why you needed to do anything. We live in a (somewhat) civilized society and pay taxes for services. Either call the police if warranted, or stay out of it. It's like you didn't learn anything from your previous experience. Either walk away, or call the authorities if necessary.
So rarely/never do you need to stand up and confront anyone. Especially with a previous conviction, no, you should not be standing up to anybody. You need a whole new philosophy and perspective. Violence is dumb and ugly. Disengage. Refuse to engage. Walk away. That's the lesson.
posted by jbenben at 5:03 AM on June 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
Eeeek, yeah, deal with the anxiety by making the decision to never get involved in a physical altercation unless your (or someone else's) life is literally in danger. Kids being annoying 100% does not count! If there is a risk of property damage (i.e. throwing rocks at cars or windows), call the police, but there is zero reason to get involved in this confrontation yourself, especially given your criminal record.
posted by rainbowbrite at 5:55 AM on June 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by rainbowbrite at 5:55 AM on June 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Just to give some context, the criminal record I picked up was, briefly, as follows.
I was the coach of a youth soccer team. At a tournament one of my players, a 16 year old black lad, was being racially abused by a spectator. I asked him to stop and he got in my face. In that instant I let it go but 5 minutes later a row ensued between the man,his brother and the lad he had racially abused. One of the men pushed the lad and I intervened and pushed him away. The other one jumped me and a fight ensued. I came out on top but was later arrested and charged. In court the judge actually said that the two men should have been in the dock with me but the Police charged me and not them (simply because they had called the Police to have me arrested). He said my actions in pushing the man led to the fight and that I should have simply pulled the lad away. He was right but at the time I thought I was defending the lad and then myself when jumped.
So no, it wasn't anxiety on my part that led to this criminal conviction and I had never been in trouble before nor since.
posted by blokefromipanema at 6:03 AM on June 29, 2016
I was the coach of a youth soccer team. At a tournament one of my players, a 16 year old black lad, was being racially abused by a spectator. I asked him to stop and he got in my face. In that instant I let it go but 5 minutes later a row ensued between the man,his brother and the lad he had racially abused. One of the men pushed the lad and I intervened and pushed him away. The other one jumped me and a fight ensued. I came out on top but was later arrested and charged. In court the judge actually said that the two men should have been in the dock with me but the Police charged me and not them (simply because they had called the Police to have me arrested). He said my actions in pushing the man led to the fight and that I should have simply pulled the lad away. He was right but at the time I thought I was defending the lad and then myself when jumped.
So no, it wasn't anxiety on my part that led to this criminal conviction and I had never been in trouble before nor since.
posted by blokefromipanema at 6:03 AM on June 29, 2016
Hey there! Good for you for defending the kid from that asshole. IMO, based on friends' issues, the courts should take hate crime stuff into account more in sentencing - far too often, people get in trouble for basically not handling a hate crime perfectly. If it's as you describe, I think you were in the right, acted reasonably and should not feel ashamed of your criminal conviction. It's the equivalent of a civil disobedience arrest, or getting fired for refusing to cross a picket line.
I too sometimes find myself in a milieu where there are physical confrontations with racists or malevolent elements. I find it really scary, stressful and uncertain.
I know a couple of big guys who are good at physical confrontation (which mostly means being able to stop it escalating). The deal is, they are big, have always been big and have always been the Big Man in their social milieu. They're not haunted by doubts and bad experiences. I think that for those of us who are, it's best to step away as much as possible, because we just don't have the instincts. I think it's okay not to have the instincts. We all have different strengths.
I think that if someone is being threatened, you have an obligation to do something, preferably without putting yourself at risk. If the threat is grave enough, you have an obligation to put yourself at risk if it seems like you could plausibly help - but that's more of a "I think someone is going to die and I plausibly think that I might be able to save them" situation.
What would have happened to those kids if you'd called the cops? Also, were they throwing rocks at people? If I saw kids throwing rocks at people and I felt enough confidence in my police force that it seemed unlikely that they'd shoot the kids, I might call it in. If it was just asshole stuff and/or I felt that the cops were more dangerous than the kids, I'd leave it alone, albeit with regret. (Note: I have had a rock thrown at me - like, a golf-ball sized one, fairly hard - by a mentally ill person, and it was a little scary.)
My feeling is that some mental scaffolding might be helpful. Think through what you're going to do if you encounter racists again - how can you call them out productively? What will you do if there's not a crowd around? How can you focus on getting yourself and the other person to safety?
Think about what your personal threshold for intervention is. Think about how much faith you have in the local cops. Do some writing or talk it through with a friend. Have a plan. Then you can match incidents against the plan.
I bet you are a person who takes up responsibility for others at least some of the time - that bit about fighting at the soccer game suggests this to me. If you're this type of person, I think it's really difficult to detach from the idea that you should step in the minute anything goes off the rails. I really struggle with this myself and I get anxious when I feel like I should do something but there are large obvious drawbacks.
If this is where you're coming from, maybe take a minute to think through the situation you're facing? Sometimes I tend to get wrought up about situations that will basically resolve themselves if left alone - maybe if I successfully intervened, they would resolve somewhat faster or somewhat better, but nothing terrible will happen if I don't do anything.
If there are boys throwing stones around (but not at anyone in particular) and being assholes, they will eventually get tired of doing that and go away. Most things like that, most of the time are one-time occurrences - one of the boys is having a bad day, or they are testing limits. So far, every time I have worried about something like that presaging a constant state of awfulness, it has blown over.
If they come back or if it escalates, you can call the police. If for some reason you can't call the police, I would get neighbors or big friends involved and - after the boys have established a pattern of behavior that is dangerous or hostile rather than just jerky - get a couple of people together and go tell them off. (Not fight them - bring enough big adults that the kids understand that this isn't going to be about fighting and don't try anything.)
In my social milieu, the question of how to handle sometimes-dangerous behavior on one's own is a pretty regular one. I have never yet come across a really satisfactory answer, honestly. You're struggling with something that many smart people have struggled with.
Sometimes you have to accept that there isn't anything you can do in the moment. When that happens, I find that it helps to work out structural solutions. Can I give some money to a youth center? Can I call my city council person? Etc. You can't always fix bad behavior in the moment but you can put some effort into making it less likely to occur in the future.
posted by Frowner at 7:00 AM on June 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
I too sometimes find myself in a milieu where there are physical confrontations with racists or malevolent elements. I find it really scary, stressful and uncertain.
I know a couple of big guys who are good at physical confrontation (which mostly means being able to stop it escalating). The deal is, they are big, have always been big and have always been the Big Man in their social milieu. They're not haunted by doubts and bad experiences. I think that for those of us who are, it's best to step away as much as possible, because we just don't have the instincts. I think it's okay not to have the instincts. We all have different strengths.
I think that if someone is being threatened, you have an obligation to do something, preferably without putting yourself at risk. If the threat is grave enough, you have an obligation to put yourself at risk if it seems like you could plausibly help - but that's more of a "I think someone is going to die and I plausibly think that I might be able to save them" situation.
What would have happened to those kids if you'd called the cops? Also, were they throwing rocks at people? If I saw kids throwing rocks at people and I felt enough confidence in my police force that it seemed unlikely that they'd shoot the kids, I might call it in. If it was just asshole stuff and/or I felt that the cops were more dangerous than the kids, I'd leave it alone, albeit with regret. (Note: I have had a rock thrown at me - like, a golf-ball sized one, fairly hard - by a mentally ill person, and it was a little scary.)
My feeling is that some mental scaffolding might be helpful. Think through what you're going to do if you encounter racists again - how can you call them out productively? What will you do if there's not a crowd around? How can you focus on getting yourself and the other person to safety?
Think about what your personal threshold for intervention is. Think about how much faith you have in the local cops. Do some writing or talk it through with a friend. Have a plan. Then you can match incidents against the plan.
I bet you are a person who takes up responsibility for others at least some of the time - that bit about fighting at the soccer game suggests this to me. If you're this type of person, I think it's really difficult to detach from the idea that you should step in the minute anything goes off the rails. I really struggle with this myself and I get anxious when I feel like I should do something but there are large obvious drawbacks.
If this is where you're coming from, maybe take a minute to think through the situation you're facing? Sometimes I tend to get wrought up about situations that will basically resolve themselves if left alone - maybe if I successfully intervened, they would resolve somewhat faster or somewhat better, but nothing terrible will happen if I don't do anything.
If there are boys throwing stones around (but not at anyone in particular) and being assholes, they will eventually get tired of doing that and go away. Most things like that, most of the time are one-time occurrences - one of the boys is having a bad day, or they are testing limits. So far, every time I have worried about something like that presaging a constant state of awfulness, it has blown over.
If they come back or if it escalates, you can call the police. If for some reason you can't call the police, I would get neighbors or big friends involved and - after the boys have established a pattern of behavior that is dangerous or hostile rather than just jerky - get a couple of people together and go tell them off. (Not fight them - bring enough big adults that the kids understand that this isn't going to be about fighting and don't try anything.)
In my social milieu, the question of how to handle sometimes-dangerous behavior on one's own is a pretty regular one. I have never yet come across a really satisfactory answer, honestly. You're struggling with something that many smart people have struggled with.
Sometimes you have to accept that there isn't anything you can do in the moment. When that happens, I find that it helps to work out structural solutions. Can I give some money to a youth center? Can I call my city council person? Etc. You can't always fix bad behavior in the moment but you can put some effort into making it less likely to occur in the future.
posted by Frowner at 7:00 AM on June 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Not confronting these kids or anyone in these situations, you see as a failing or weakness and I see it as a strength. I think you have to take it situation by situation, but know that not every verbal confrontation has to end in a physical one as well. You can always walk away and fight only if attacked first. Fwiw, your story of your conviction sounds to me like you did the right thing. I might have sworn out a complaint against those two jerks since they did the same against you, but that is hindsight.
Look at folks like Ghandi or Marlin Luther King Jr. They are some of the lowest key people I know when it comes to physical confrontation yet they are also some of the strongest people in history.
posted by AugustWest at 7:59 AM on June 29, 2016
Look at folks like Ghandi or Marlin Luther King Jr. They are some of the lowest key people I know when it comes to physical confrontation yet they are also some of the strongest people in history.
posted by AugustWest at 7:59 AM on June 29, 2016
Anyone else ever feel like this?
Yup.
What can I do to overcome it?
Keep reminding yourself that choosing not to confront unless completely unavoidable minimizes the chance of violence, and that minimizing the chance of violence minimizes the chance of irreversible damage, and that irreversible damage is best avoided regardless of who might "win" any given fight; and give yourself credit for your self-control.
Feeling shaky and/or nauseous when exposed to situations carrying the possibility of physical violence is perfectly normal and says nothing at all about courage or lack thereof - it's a purely chemical thing. Cortisol and adrenalin are powerful drugs, and the shakes and nausea and anxiety are well-documented side effects.
You have nothing to beat yourself up for here.
posted by flabdablet at 9:44 AM on June 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yup.
What can I do to overcome it?
Keep reminding yourself that choosing not to confront unless completely unavoidable minimizes the chance of violence, and that minimizing the chance of violence minimizes the chance of irreversible damage, and that irreversible damage is best avoided regardless of who might "win" any given fight; and give yourself credit for your self-control.
Feeling shaky and/or nauseous when exposed to situations carrying the possibility of physical violence is perfectly normal and says nothing at all about courage or lack thereof - it's a purely chemical thing. Cortisol and adrenalin are powerful drugs, and the shakes and nausea and anxiety are well-documented side effects.
You have nothing to beat yourself up for here.
posted by flabdablet at 9:44 AM on June 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
On psychological aftermath: even applying all my own self-directed jedi mind tricks, it took me about a month to stop feeling terrible about it after having been through this, which seems about par for the course.
But I'm really, really glad that when that stupid kid was holding me against the side of my car with his hand on my throat and his arm locked straight out in front of him, I did just choose to stare him down instead of breaking his stupid elbow.
posted by flabdablet at 9:52 AM on June 29, 2016
But I'm really, really glad that when that stupid kid was holding me against the side of my car with his hand on my throat and his arm locked straight out in front of him, I did just choose to stare him down instead of breaking his stupid elbow.
posted by flabdablet at 9:52 AM on June 29, 2016
As far as the immediate bad feelings go, I've found one of the best ways to clear them is high-intensity exercise like running or hitting/kicking a heavy bag. It flushes out the brain chemicals that are making you feel anxious about the potential conflict.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:21 AM on June 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 10:21 AM on June 29, 2016 [2 favorites]
Your anxiety has nothing to do with the psychological aftermath. It has to do with the fact that you did the right thing and got shit all over for it by the system. You now have a criminal record for doing the right thing and it makes you feel bad because this is both unfair and has potentially serious real world consequences.
You need to learn more means to resolve conflicts that do not involve physical confrontation. Instead of confronting the youths yourself, perhaps you could have called the police.
It might help to read up on negotiating tactics, social psychology, de-escalation techniques and the like.
posted by Michele in California at 12:24 PM on June 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
You need to learn more means to resolve conflicts that do not involve physical confrontation. Instead of confronting the youths yourself, perhaps you could have called the police.
It might help to read up on negotiating tactics, social psychology, de-escalation techniques and the like.
posted by Michele in California at 12:24 PM on June 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
I will add that while movies glorify this, your outcome is a much more typical real world outcome. It is also telling you that you need to think of physical confrontation as very much a last resort in the extreme, like if someone is trying to literally kill you. You seem to think that it would be better if you would get over the inhibition you currently feel. That is unlikely. A more likely outcome is serious jail time. Society frowns upon such things.
You are kind of overqualified for handling a physical confrontation compared to the average person. My life experience suggests that being psychologically prepared for physical confrontation in a worst case scenario helps deter such outcomes, but actual training of the sort you have can make you overconfident and a tad too eager to test your skills.
You really need to firm up your alternatives to a physical confrontation. It will serve you far better in life than getting over the current sense of inhibition you are feeling.
Mafia hit men tend to have a cavalier attitude that jail time is just part of the job. They don't expect to get away with it every single time. This is not an attitude I recommend embracing as just the price you need to pay for "not being a coward."
If you want to feel like not a coward, go mountain climbing or something. Test your physical and psychological limits in a manner that is less likely to get the police called on you.
Or join the military if you are bound and determined to prove your manhood via your ability to cope with physical violence. That will instill a form of discipline that far exceeds what you have learned from martial arts so far. They also teach de-escalation tactics, a thing I saw firsthand when I was extremely upset with my husband and he accidentally bumped into me. I would have hit him if he hadn't known how to be deferential and use body language to de-escalate the conflict. Instead, I left the house and went to the mall for an hour to cool off.
posted by Michele in California at 12:48 PM on June 29, 2016
You are kind of overqualified for handling a physical confrontation compared to the average person. My life experience suggests that being psychologically prepared for physical confrontation in a worst case scenario helps deter such outcomes, but actual training of the sort you have can make you overconfident and a tad too eager to test your skills.
You really need to firm up your alternatives to a physical confrontation. It will serve you far better in life than getting over the current sense of inhibition you are feeling.
Mafia hit men tend to have a cavalier attitude that jail time is just part of the job. They don't expect to get away with it every single time. This is not an attitude I recommend embracing as just the price you need to pay for "not being a coward."
If you want to feel like not a coward, go mountain climbing or something. Test your physical and psychological limits in a manner that is less likely to get the police called on you.
Or join the military if you are bound and determined to prove your manhood via your ability to cope with physical violence. That will instill a form of discipline that far exceeds what you have learned from martial arts so far. They also teach de-escalation tactics, a thing I saw firsthand when I was extremely upset with my husband and he accidentally bumped into me. I would have hit him if he hadn't known how to be deferential and use body language to de-escalate the conflict. Instead, I left the house and went to the mall for an hour to cool off.
posted by Michele in California at 12:48 PM on June 29, 2016
Okay, this could get long, but I'll do my best to break some things down (context: I am a fair-sized guy, with some martial arts training, who has also been in a couple of scrapes in my life).
First, you have to know that getting into a two-on-one confrontation is a terrible idea. You didn't mention the age/size of the two youths throwing stones, but I'm going to presume they were full-grown or close to it, as opposed to a couple of twelve year olds. If you go out to confront them, there is a non-zero possibility that you are going to get in a fight. If that happens, then there is a very real possibility of you getting hurt. It is almost impossible to deal with two decent-sized people coming at you at once, regardless of your size or level of skill, and if they get you off your feet then no amount of martial arts training is going help you. Why would you put yourself in that situation?
My point here is - the anxiety you feel? That's normal. That's your brain correctly identifying a dangerous situation and trying to keep you safe. Those crazy outcomes you catch yourself worrying about? Likely or not, they can happen. Ryan Jimmo, a professional MMA fighter and easily in the upper 1% of the population in terms of physical toughness, just got killed in a road rage incident in Canada. Vernon Forrest, a pro boxer, was shot and killed trying to chase down a man who robbed him. Cases like these are rare, but they do happen. Any time you get into a confrontation, there is a non-zero chance of you getting seriously injured. So the anxiety you feel? Again, totally, completely normal. If you find yourself fretting on this stuff a lot, then that's maybe a different issue - but if these feelings only come up in and around a confrontation then I would suggest that you stop being so hard on yourself. Life isn't an action movie, and avoiding violence - especially in a situation where you're outnumbered - is not even close to cowardice.
Call the cops on the assholes throwing stones - that's what they're there for.
For further reading, I recommend Marc McYoung's website No Nonsense Self Defence, which has some great, detailed essays on the psychological aspects of fighting, self defence, and safety.
posted by Broseph at 5:07 PM on June 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
First, you have to know that getting into a two-on-one confrontation is a terrible idea. You didn't mention the age/size of the two youths throwing stones, but I'm going to presume they were full-grown or close to it, as opposed to a couple of twelve year olds. If you go out to confront them, there is a non-zero possibility that you are going to get in a fight. If that happens, then there is a very real possibility of you getting hurt. It is almost impossible to deal with two decent-sized people coming at you at once, regardless of your size or level of skill, and if they get you off your feet then no amount of martial arts training is going help you. Why would you put yourself in that situation?
My point here is - the anxiety you feel? That's normal. That's your brain correctly identifying a dangerous situation and trying to keep you safe. Those crazy outcomes you catch yourself worrying about? Likely or not, they can happen. Ryan Jimmo, a professional MMA fighter and easily in the upper 1% of the population in terms of physical toughness, just got killed in a road rage incident in Canada. Vernon Forrest, a pro boxer, was shot and killed trying to chase down a man who robbed him. Cases like these are rare, but they do happen. Any time you get into a confrontation, there is a non-zero chance of you getting seriously injured. So the anxiety you feel? Again, totally, completely normal. If you find yourself fretting on this stuff a lot, then that's maybe a different issue - but if these feelings only come up in and around a confrontation then I would suggest that you stop being so hard on yourself. Life isn't an action movie, and avoiding violence - especially in a situation where you're outnumbered - is not even close to cowardice.
Call the cops on the assholes throwing stones - that's what they're there for.
For further reading, I recommend Marc McYoung's website No Nonsense Self Defence, which has some great, detailed essays on the psychological aspects of fighting, self defence, and safety.
posted by Broseph at 5:07 PM on June 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
The man who jumped you did the exact same thing that you did: inserted himself in a conflict as a third party and used force on behalf of a friend. You say that you did it to de-escalate the situation, but that he did it as an attack. Do you see how pushing the man escalated the situation? You only say your player was pushed and do not say that he was in ongoing danger. That seems like a situation where you could let it play out on its own or at most separate the two, then call the police.
Do you see how you describe the fight very differently in your original post and your follow up? In the first you frame it like you were attacked and defended yourself by pushing them away, when in the follow up no one used force against you until you used force. This discrepancy and the fact that the two boys throwing rocks were not anything even close to being a threat - not even close, I cannot stress that enough - tells me that you are bad at perceiving threats. You refer to fighting and winning against a bully when you were younger. Who started the fight? Who was physical first?
Don't confront people. It is almost never necessary. Call the police. If you don't think something is serious enough to warrant the police that's an even better sign that you shouldn't confront that person or group of people. When people are bullying you, leave. Pull yourself out of the situation.
posted by good lorneing at 7:18 PM on June 29, 2016
Do you see how you describe the fight very differently in your original post and your follow up? In the first you frame it like you were attacked and defended yourself by pushing them away, when in the follow up no one used force against you until you used force. This discrepancy and the fact that the two boys throwing rocks were not anything even close to being a threat - not even close, I cannot stress that enough - tells me that you are bad at perceiving threats. You refer to fighting and winning against a bully when you were younger. Who started the fight? Who was physical first?
Don't confront people. It is almost never necessary. Call the police. If you don't think something is serious enough to warrant the police that's an even better sign that you shouldn't confront that person or group of people. When people are bullying you, leave. Pull yourself out of the situation.
posted by good lorneing at 7:18 PM on June 29, 2016
You're already on the books as a problem person.
Don't do anything to exacerbate that.
Be the biggest pacifist you can imagine.
Every other strategy leads to problems for you.
posted by yesster at 8:16 PM on June 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
Don't do anything to exacerbate that.
Be the biggest pacifist you can imagine.
Every other strategy leads to problems for you.
posted by yesster at 8:16 PM on June 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
« Older Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival | Travelling to Norway from UK tomorrow: Least worst... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Repeat this to yourself. Not the shitty internal monologue of doubt and self evisceration. You're great. You're a black belt. You've got nothing you need to prove to them. To yourself, still much to prove.
You're great. You're strong. You're wise. You walk. This is your mantra.
posted by taff at 3:20 AM on June 29, 2016 [7 favorites]