Later in life to lose my virginity; afraid to sleep with someone new.
May 2, 2016 8:51 PM Subscribe
I lost my virginity at age 29 to my long-term boyfriend (a little over three years) and we recently broke up. Now that I'm starting to date again, I'm having a hard time imagining being with someone else. And I'm not sure how to sleep with someone who I'm not in a relationship with. Can you give some advice on how to ease into new sexual relationships?
Yeah, you don't sound like you really want to, and that's completely ok. So maybe don't?
posted by Violet Hour at 8:58 PM on May 2, 2016
posted by Violet Hour at 8:58 PM on May 2, 2016
Don't feel like you have to have sex is the first way to start easing into sexual relationships. Wait until you can imagine having sex with someone. Don't rush yourself, do what's right for you. What feels right. If you want to have sex within a relationship then do that. Don't expect anything less.
FWIW, I've had a similar experience to yours and felt like I was missing out somehow. I started dating before I was ready and couldn't fathom how people I knew were more comfortable in this sphere. I learned that there are many kinds of people with a variety of attitudes when it comes to sex. There are a lot of wonderful sex-positive responses to many relationship threads.
Ultimately, what's comfortable to you? Do that.
posted by lunastellasol at 9:25 PM on May 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
FWIW, I've had a similar experience to yours and felt like I was missing out somehow. I started dating before I was ready and couldn't fathom how people I knew were more comfortable in this sphere. I learned that there are many kinds of people with a variety of attitudes when it comes to sex. There are a lot of wonderful sex-positive responses to many relationship threads.
Ultimately, what's comfortable to you? Do that.
posted by lunastellasol at 9:25 PM on May 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
If you want to read up on women's sexuality, including a good discussion of the mind-body connection (and the wide variation in how women respond to things), Come As You Are is a really good book on the topic.
posted by metahawk at 9:45 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by metahawk at 9:45 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
The first step to sleeping with someone (in a relationship or not) is establishing that you BOTH want to.
You get to set whatever pace is comfortable for you. That's the only rule of dating you need to follow about this.
The reason most people have this "third date rule" thing (ie, that you should sleep together on or around the third date) is based on the idea that because sexual compatibility is important, you don't want to get emotionally involved or invested with someone that doesn't click with you in bed. HOWEVER. You don't have to be most people. Some people just take longer to decide, or warm up, or whatever. There are plenty of guys that don't care about this at all, are willing to take things at whatever pace feels right for you, and not give you shit about it or pressure you. If you find a guy you start dating isn't like that, you don't have to keep dating him. In fact, if he pressures you for sex after you've told him you want to take it slow, you have my full permission to fling your drink in his face and stomp out of wherever you happen to be.
Just be clear about what you want and let them know when / if you change your mind, and don't expect men to be mind readers. Never say yes when you mean no, and never say no when you mean yes. Confusion and madness lie that way.
posted by ananci at 9:48 PM on May 2, 2016 [6 favorites]
You get to set whatever pace is comfortable for you. That's the only rule of dating you need to follow about this.
The reason most people have this "third date rule" thing (ie, that you should sleep together on or around the third date) is based on the idea that because sexual compatibility is important, you don't want to get emotionally involved or invested with someone that doesn't click with you in bed. HOWEVER. You don't have to be most people. Some people just take longer to decide, or warm up, or whatever. There are plenty of guys that don't care about this at all, are willing to take things at whatever pace feels right for you, and not give you shit about it or pressure you. If you find a guy you start dating isn't like that, you don't have to keep dating him. In fact, if he pressures you for sex after you've told him you want to take it slow, you have my full permission to fling your drink in his face and stomp out of wherever you happen to be.
Just be clear about what you want and let them know when / if you change your mind, and don't expect men to be mind readers. Never say yes when you mean no, and never say no when you mean yes. Confusion and madness lie that way.
posted by ananci at 9:48 PM on May 2, 2016 [6 favorites]
You can always opt out of dating if you're not ready to have sex.
If you've only ever had sex in the context of a long-term relationship, and you progressed slowly there because you didn't have much experience, you might not be prepared for the possibility that your own preferred approach to the sexual progression of your next relationships might be different than you're accustomed to. Not necessarily faster, but different. You might not be comfortable with casual sex, but not having to deal with the baggage of virginity opens up a lot of possibilities for how you can set the pace of your new relationships. Being mentally prepared for the fact that you could go out and sleep with someone and not have it necessarily be A Big Deal is very tricky to adjust to. I'm happy to talk about this a bit more, but over MeMail, if you'd like.
posted by blerghamot at 9:51 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you've only ever had sex in the context of a long-term relationship, and you progressed slowly there because you didn't have much experience, you might not be prepared for the possibility that your own preferred approach to the sexual progression of your next relationships might be different than you're accustomed to. Not necessarily faster, but different. You might not be comfortable with casual sex, but not having to deal with the baggage of virginity opens up a lot of possibilities for how you can set the pace of your new relationships. Being mentally prepared for the fact that you could go out and sleep with someone and not have it necessarily be A Big Deal is very tricky to adjust to. I'm happy to talk about this a bit more, but over MeMail, if you'd like.
posted by blerghamot at 9:51 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think not having sex unless you're in a relationship with someone is a very valid standard to continue with.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:14 PM on May 2, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:14 PM on May 2, 2016 [15 favorites]
I think a lot of people can't imagine sleeping with someone new art first after ending a relationship, in case it helps to know that this is not uncommon.
posted by salvia at 10:35 PM on May 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by salvia at 10:35 PM on May 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
Whenever I've gotten out of a relationship, I've taken getting back into dating really slowly. I'm pretty sure it was six months to a year until I went on any kind of serious dates or even considered sleeping with someone else. If you feel ready now, go ahead, but also don't feel like you've failed if you need more time.
I think that when you do meet someone else that you'd like to sleep with, easing into a new relationship will feel as natural as it ever can. If you're not feeling that, don't pressure yourself.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 10:56 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think that when you do meet someone else that you'd like to sleep with, easing into a new relationship will feel as natural as it ever can. If you're not feeling that, don't pressure yourself.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 10:56 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
Someone told me once: "You're usually not ready to have sex 'in general;' you're usually only ready to have sex with one specific person at a specific time." That really resonated with me.
So my advice would be: don't worry if right now you can't imagine having sex with some else--with some vague other person who you haven't met yet. Wait until you meet someone who you have real chemistry with (and remember that part of good chemistry is feeling comfortable with that specific person) and then go from there. And don't feel bad if it takes a little while for you to meet someone new who you have that sort of chemistry with.
posted by colfax at 12:49 AM on May 3, 2016 [17 favorites]
So my advice would be: don't worry if right now you can't imagine having sex with some else--with some vague other person who you haven't met yet. Wait until you meet someone who you have real chemistry with (and remember that part of good chemistry is feeling comfortable with that specific person) and then go from there. And don't feel bad if it takes a little while for you to meet someone new who you have that sort of chemistry with.
posted by colfax at 12:49 AM on May 3, 2016 [17 favorites]
Don't sleep with anyone you don't want to sleep with. Keep in mind the possibility that if after getting to know someone you still don't want to sleep with them, it could be a matter of sexual chemistry. Sometimes someone you really like as a person just isn't the right person for you to sleep with, and that's okay.
posted by bunderful at 5:09 AM on May 3, 2016
posted by bunderful at 5:09 AM on May 3, 2016
I'm having a hard time imagining being with someone else
First partnership started at 30 and broke up four years later; sex was the person I'd just broken up with and I, like you, had absolutely no clue about disconnecting those.
When sex happened again it was unsought, unexpected, out-of-the-blue, completely casual and really, really good.
It will happen when it feels right. Until then, try not to overthink it.
posted by flabdablet at 6:29 AM on May 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
First partnership started at 30 and broke up four years later; sex was the person I'd just broken up with and I, like you, had absolutely no clue about disconnecting those.
When sex happened again it was unsought, unexpected, out-of-the-blue, completely casual and really, really good.
It will happen when it feels right. Until then, try not to overthink it.
posted by flabdablet at 6:29 AM on May 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
I can identify. I'm telling myself, and I think it's probably correct, that with the right person, it will once again seem like the wonderful and obvious next step. Until then, just wait.
posted by 8603 at 8:15 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by 8603 at 8:15 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
I found myself in the same situation recently when I decided to try online dating after having long-term relationships that all started more conventionally (although meeting a significant other offline seems to be less and less common now). Long story short, I met somebody that I found extremely attractive and interesting but found myself reluctant when the subject of sleeping together came up earlier than I expected. I don't have anything against casual sex; I was actually looking forward to exploring it with him after said series of long-term relationships but it just didn't feel RIGHT at THAT time. Being the extremely honest and candid person that I am, I also admitted to feeling anxious about my considerably limited experience and sleeping with somebody new. He quickly lost interest in me after that and while I initially felt crushing disappointment, I realized I would have regretted it more had I slept with him before I was comfortable with the idea.
posted by lollisocks at 6:30 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by lollisocks at 6:30 PM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
I was with my first boyfriend for 8 years. The idea of sleeping with someone else after that was terrifying. But agreed with others above that when you meet the right person, the chemistry will take over and sleeping with them is something you'll WANT to do, not something you'll HAVE to do.
posted by greta simone at 11:24 PM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by greta simone at 11:24 PM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by deathpanels at 8:53 PM on May 2, 2016 [28 favorites]