Should I bother trying to find a submissive partner while I'm poor?
April 15, 2016 1:22 PM   Subscribe

Should I bother trying to find a submissive partner while I'm poor?

I'm a mid-forties male, reasonably attractive, straight, and reportedly pretty good in bed. I've been kinky since before I knew what sex was, and, having had the fantasy life long before there was an Internet, grew up thinking I was something of a monster. But I've learned the hard way that if I try and deny this part of myself, I'll end up cheating. A couple years ago, I took a chance with an acquaintance and had a couple of months of great sex, followed by a month of awful, awful relationship. I'll be honest: I wasn't as smart as I could have been. She and I shared mutual friends, bad boundaries and 'mental illness' (i.e. post-trauma). A previous relationship had made me hesitant about dominating outside the bedroom, and I grew weary once her compulsive infidelity and suicidal ideation were added to the mix. Fast-forward to today. I've actively pursued my own healing, got to the root of my issues, and am both pharmaceutical- and episode-free. My interest in kink is much less compulsive, but it ain't goin' anywhere. But I'm still greatly discouraged when it comes to finding a partner. The situation is this: I'm poor. It's been that way since my first episode(and subsequent job loss) twenty years ago. The last three times I've had full-time work, I've wound up in the hospital or fired or both. I'd like to have a more active sex life, but I think I've done pretty well for a straight Dom who spent most of his 30's living with his parents. I'm good in the conversation department, have engaged with my artistic hobbies to the degree that I can, and my city has a busy kink scene, but the reality is that concerts, clubs, restaurants, travel, home Internet, and theater tickets are almost completely absent from my life unless someone else is footing the bill. I'd like to take the risk of connecting with someone sexually-and-otherwise compatible, but my socioeconomic status is enough of a daily emotional grind without hearing, "You're pretty easy to fall in love with -- you gotta get off [Disability], man!" (That was from See Above, who worked at a mental health org!) I want to pursue and practice kink for fun, to connect with people, not to drain what little confidence and self-esteem I have left, which, unfortunately, poverty is really good at eroding. Ideas?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

I will suggest that it might make more sense to seek out a virtual relationship, for a bunch of reasons, not just the money. It removes a lot (not all) of the issues surrounding costs and who pays for stuff. It also makes it a lot easier to maintain boundaries, something that you might find helpful while you try to sort things out. It is a third option, something between "no relationship" and "full IRL relationship with all that entails."
posted by Michele in California at 2:08 PM on April 15, 2016

I think looking for a partner when you're poor and looking for a submissive partner are kind of two different concerns. I think you're best off looking for partners online, saying you're looking for a submissive woman and being upfront about your financial status, so they can just make up their own minds what they think about it and whether they choose to respond. You may do best with women who are in a similar financial situation.

Of course lacking home internet is going to be a problem there. Can you browse the web on your phone? Having some way to get online at home is going to really improve your situation, so look into the cheapest ways to do that.

Women with submissive tendencies are not that rare. (Women willing to dominate men are less common.) If you're at a point where you're ready to try dating again, I think you're at a point where you're ready to look for submissive women.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:13 PM on April 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

The majority of the kink community in my area is poor (some extremely so) and many people are jobless. It doesn't appear to have any impact on their ability to meet each other and have very fulling D/s dynamics.

If the existing munches or meetups are out of reach for you financially right now, why not set up your own event on Fetlife at a no-cost location like a dog park or walking trail. People around here make events out of everything, including trips to the supermarket and frisbee games at the park.

I can't quite tell from your question if you have regular internet access that's not always available to you or generally no access at all so I'm sorry if the Fetlife suggestion isn't helpful.
posted by _Mona_ at 2:25 PM on April 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

Should I bother trying to find a submissive partner while I'm poor?

There are literally tons of no good, ner're do well men out there who are loved by women. Don't sweat it.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:39 PM on April 15, 2016 [5 favorites]

I think your biggest block is probably your geographic location, if you're not in a relatively large city with a big kink scene.

There are plenty of women who are okay with men who don't make money (either because they're ok being poor or because they make more than enough money). But obviously, your dating pool shrinks when you require this of your partner.

It shrinks even more if you're looking for a single, monogamous, submissive woman. And yes, there are women who decide they are submissive because they want to be treated to everything, but there are plenty of submissive women who are into the service/pain/etc aspects and don't need to be spoiled with money.

I would definitely explore your local kink scene and/or online dating.
posted by ethidda at 2:50 PM on April 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

In the hopes that you do not continue to stay poor, finding someone while you are poor, and later become wealthier together, you will never worry that your partner is only after your money.
posted by coberh at 7:59 AM on April 16, 2016

Women who are submissive in the bedroom are not uniformly constituted to require or even desire leadership in their relationships outside of the bedroom. There are plenty of women who are the chief or sole income earners in their families, have mainstream power balance with their partners outside the bedroom, have no interest in a 24/7 D/s lifestyle relationship, and are sexually submissive.

Coffee is cheap. Go kinky date.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:47 PM on April 16, 2016

Love, kink, and connection isn't only for the rich. Don't be too apologetic about "being poor" when you're out meeting and dating. It's nothing to be ashamed of, so don't wear it like a mark. I would be truthful and say (if it comes up) that you are on a tight budget; then get creative. If I like someone, I just want to be near them.
posted by RaRa-SpaceRobot at 11:17 PM on April 22, 2016

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