How do I get my neighbors to keep their kid quiet?

March 27, 2016 9:30 AM

Neighbor in a condo has a child that screams at all hours of the day, randomly but consistently. Any ideas on how to diplomatically address this?

I live in a row-house style condo with several units side-by-side. My neighbor, who I share a common wall with, has a 4-5 year old son who yells, shreaks, throws balls against the wall, etc., etc. Its so bad that his outbursts often scare me, my wife, and my dogs to the point that we have woken from a sound sleep at 3 am. The noise goes on randomly, but is a continuous feature of our lives. We've been in the condo for 4 years, and the noise has just gotten worse as the kid has gotten older. We have considered soundproofing the walls but it's a condo so the board would have to approve.

The neighbors on the other side are experiencing the same noise level we are and are getting tired of it as well. Any suggestions on how to approach this with the neighbors?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)

My first thought is, "kids gonna kid."

My second thought was, "what if this is a special needs child?"

I suppose you could approach the neighbor, but there could be more to it than what you're experiencing.

I'd look into soundproofing.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:39 AM on March 27, 2016 [27 favorites]

If there were something the neighbors could do about it, they'd have done it already. Focus on things you can do, like earplugs, white noise machines, and asking the condo board about soundproofing your walls.
posted by Daily Alice at 9:40 AM on March 27, 2016 [15 favorites]

As much as I hate to say it, this strikes me as exactly the kind of thing that gets resolved only when one of the parties moves.
posted by primethyme at 9:44 AM on March 27, 2016 [8 favorites]

If you haven't talked to the noisy neighbours already, talk to them. They may not be aware of how much sound comes through. Approach it like that - that they simply don't know and you're politely asking that they try to reduce the noise. And then go from there.

If you have talked to them already and gotten nowhere, you and your neighbour might as well submit a complaint to the condo board. At least get some history established so you can pursue soundproofing approval. Start keeping a record of the disturbances.

This is the shitty aspect of living in condos. These noisy neighbours may not be able to do anything about their kid. The condo board may tell you to suck it up, or issue a warning to the parents of the noisy kid, making their lives even more stressful. These neighbours might not be in a position to find a detached dwelling they can afford to move to. You may want to move, find a place without neighbours with small kids.
posted by lizbunny at 9:45 AM on March 27, 2016 [7 favorites]

Buy the condo off your neighbor and sell it to someone else. You may need to offer slightly above market and/or sell it for slightly below market, so you probably lose money, but that's probably the only way to quiet the kid.
posted by willnot at 9:46 AM on March 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

I've had to deal with barking dogs in my condo building. Specifically during the day (I work from home) and the dog sits by the door and barks at any sound it hears in the hallway.

I'd just go talk to the neighbor. Explain the problem, but be as friendly as possible. I went the alternate route of calling the building manager the first time around (years ago), and it resulted in an uncomfortable situation with my next door neighbor.

If the sound is coming through your front door, sealing the door with weather strips that go around the inside of the frame and adding a bottom air tight door step guard (multi flap) does wonders in terms of cutting the decibel levels of sounds that enter my home. I'd say just doing that knocked the sound down 90%.

Most noise that enters does so through cracks/breaks in the seal of your home. Sealing any cracks around doors, windows, will cut most of the noise.
posted by Strato at 10:03 AM on March 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

Nthing there is probably little the parents can do that's appropriate to keep the noise down. They really want to be sleeping at 3AM too! I use a white noise machine to sleep, and it cuts way down on disturbances from neighbors.

As far as development goes, you may be approaching the peak of the noisiness. In a couples years, child will likely be more predictably loud and often times quiet.
posted by Kalmya at 10:03 AM on March 27, 2016 [6 favorites]

If you're going to approach the family, don't approach them from the perspective of "you need to keep your kid quieter", because obviously if there was a way for them to keep their child from screaming at 3am, they would already be doing that.

Instead, approach them from the perspective that you're planning to talk to the board about approving additional soundproofing for the walls, and you'd like their support on that. Depending on what the soundproofers say, it might end up making more sense to soundproof their unit than your unit, which makes it even more important that you have their support.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:32 AM on March 27, 2016 [34 favorites]

I would approach the family with the attitude of You may not realize how much of this noise we are hearing and how disruptive it is. Some families are loud, rowdy and clueless. Offer to help asses common walls for soundproofing improvement.

I had a baby with colic, it sucked a lot. But I also did everything I could to deal with noise so my neighbors didn't have to experience the suckage. When he was a toddler/ little kid, I sometimes put him in the car and drove until he fell asleep. There are things they can do. They won't do these things unless until they are pressured.

If a polite neighborly chat, accompanied by cookies, doesn't work, go to the condo board.
posted by theora55 at 11:17 AM on March 27, 2016 [3 favorites]

My neighbors had no idea that the noise traveled as much as it did until my other neighbor told them.

Approach it casually.

You: hey I don't know if you know but the noise travels quite a bit between condos.

Them: Really?

You: Yeah I can hear Child playing at all hours.

Then see where they take it. Hopefully they're apologetic; if they're not then condo board.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:31 AM on March 27, 2016 [3 favorites]

Previously.
posted by gregr at 11:38 AM on March 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

This is a "good fence, good neighbors" kind of issue.

Do what you can to mitigate on your side of the wall first. Hang heavy decorative rugs on your shared walls and so on...

Then once you have done what you can mitigate the problem talk to your neighbors respectfully (I assure you they are struggling with their child). Maybe gently suggest some of the things that worked on your side of the wall for their side of wall as well.
posted by srboisvert at 11:58 AM on March 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

If it's annoyingly loud for you, imagine how unpleasant it must be for them. I'm sure they would love it if their kid were quieter, and I bet they're already doing what they can on that front. A lot of kids are just loud though, and there's nothing to be done except wait (for years) until they grow out of it.

So, what do you want to get out of asking your neighbors to "keep their kid quiet?" Short of a gag, there may be nothing to be done in that regard. Maybe you could get them to try and keep the kid from throwing things against the common walls (a totally reasonable request, I'd think) but that's very likely the extent of it. If you just want to register your displeasure with them, I'd suggest skipping it—all you'll do in that case is make your neighbors irritated with you. And while the yelling and screaming sounds unpleasant it doesn't sound like it's necessarily abnormal (and if there is something unusual behind it then it may be even less controllable) so I can't see you having much of a leg to stand on if you wanted then to pay for soundproofing.

Soundproofing probably is an option though, as long as you're willing to pay for it. I can't imagine your condo association would have a problem with it—it sounds like an unambiguous upgrade and is something that a lot of people (especially people who share a wall with a neighbor) would like but which not many people are willing to pay for. If you're willing to pay for it, I would think your condo association would be happy to give you permission. The only condition, I'd imagine, would be that you get someone reputable to do it, somebody who will do a decent job of putting things back together again afterward. There are lots of ways to make a wall more soundproof.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 12:45 PM on March 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

That's a tough one -- they certainly don't want their child to be screaming and they are probably stressed out about it too. It's possible that the child has sensory processing disorder or some other special need that causes life to be more painful for the whole family.

If it's worth it to you, you could add another layer of drywall to your side. There is something called "green glue" which you could use to attach it that is supposed to dampen sound. You could also have cellulose insulation blown into the wall if it's not already insulated.

Our current house does not have any insulation in the interior walls; our last one did (between the family room & bedroom). It makes a world of difference in terms of soundproofing.
posted by Ostara at 12:49 PM on March 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

Oh man, I'm sorry, that situation SUCKS! As someone who has (apparently) misophonia I can really empathize with how difficult this would be. My advice would be to talk to your neighbors. Approach it nicely, be friendly. There may indeed be more they can do to keep the kid quiet and they may be very willing to do it. My neighbors used to let their dog out to bark and bark every morning at 5:30 AM. When I finally went over and talked to them, nicely (after laying in bed every morning near tears of rage and frustration), I was amazed at how quickly they remedied the situation. They said they were so sorry. They seemed genuinely surprised anybody minded. I've noticed a lot of folks on Meta Filter have a similar casual attitude towards noise. Like, "Oh well, just live with it." I guess some people are lucky enough to be able to just ignore uncomfortable sounds. What a huge blessing that must be!
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:59 PM on March 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

My first concern would be that the child is being abused. Do you think that's a possibility?
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:00 PM on March 27, 2016

My four year old just yelled at his two year old sister because she got the green spoon for her cereal and he decided he wanted it. If my neighbours thought that he was being abused I would horrified. My point is, young children scream for all kinds of reasons and generally for no good reason at all. Unless the OP is seeing other evidence, abuse would be so far down my list for a kid that age. I feel for everyone involved, I'm sure the parents are more at their wit's end than the OP.

What I would do is approach it in the way already outlined, see what you can do on your end first and ask the neighbours if you could brainstorm ways of helping the noise not travel, whether it's drywall or talking to the board together or whatever. As long as the issue is raised respectfully, most people I imagine would be reasonable if not downright apologetic.
posted by Jubey at 2:14 PM on March 27, 2016 [12 favorites]

I mostly agree with everyone that it's hard to keep a little kid from yelling, and there's very little that can be done from their end as far as that goes, but I definitely think you're allowed to ask them -- nicely, using the "hey, I don't know if you know" scripts above -- to cut out throwing a ball at your shared inside wall. A five-year-old can be asked not to throw a ball at the walls inside the house -- witness nearly every kid in the world whose parents ask them not to play ball in the house. (If there is some kind of issue going on and ball-at-wall is the only solution, they can tell you that in your conversation, and then when it happens, you'll probably have somewhat more empathy.)
posted by Countess Sandwich at 7:22 PM on March 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'd also describe myself as misophonic, although I guess the DSM would disagree. But I also have to live in the world, somehow. Four-year-olds shouldn't be domineered into silence, on account of someone's misophonia.

And I'm serious here - I'm trying to think of what I'd have to do to keep my 2-year-old quiet all day, and it makes me cringe. It'd become a full-time job at best, and would devolve into cruelty at worst. Not to mention, small children cannot be dealt with the same way you'd deal with a barking dog.

I'd be very surprised if your neighbors were LOLing it up over there, while their kids screams and pounds the walls 24/7. Some children are just loud. They're probably much more tired of the noise than you are.

Your only option is soundproofing. Your neighbors might be up for it, too. IF you talk to them like human beings, and refrain from demonizing/dehumanizing their kid. I am a VERY quiet person myself, an I certainly don't want my kid to annoy our neighbors. But if one of our neighbors uttered any version of the sentiment "keep your kid quiet", I'd not be inclined to give a damn what they said next. The child is a human being, and he deserves to be himself in his home, just as much as you do.

Soundproofing. That's the deal. If that family moves, the next residents might do something else that's too loud for you to deal with.

I do agree with others that 1) it's reasonable to have them stop the indoor ballplaying, 2) you're going to feel super crappy if the kid has an issue that prevents him from being quiet.
posted by Coatlicue at 7:28 PM on March 27, 2016

Soundproofing, and the board may not need to approve it -- something simple like using green glue and a layer of QuietRock may help enough to make a difference in your lives, and it's applied purely internally to your unit (inasmuch as it exists only from the original wall surface inward to your space).

...which, naturally, means it will not be as effective as a fully reengineered wall, but depending on how your condo rules are written this might be the easiest solution for you. You'd need to redo any electrical outlets in that wall, but that should be trivial.
posted by aramaic at 8:07 PM on March 27, 2016

We've got kids. Start simple: ask your neighbors about it. If you don't want to knock on the door or cold call them, pass them a note and ask them if they have a few convenient minutes to chat in the next few days. As someone else has mentioned, sometime you honestly just don't know! We lived upstairs from a lovely woman who brought us a bottle of wine and was like, "Hi! I live downstairs and our shared floor/ceiling is like a footstep amplifier. Can I buy you a rug or two?" We were embarrassed, but we laughed (and then bought some rugs).

If the neighbors react poorly, well, then you'll know that you're on your own. In addition to putting down rugs, you can also hang heavy fabric wall hanging to dampen the attack of noise. We did this during the years that we lived in a neighborhood at the end of LAX runways. It helped, so did double-glazed windows and so on. You can take a lot of sound mitigation into account with construction materials, which will only increase your resale value anyway.

Good luck!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:56 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]