Passive Aggressive Notes: Snoring Edition!

July 7, 2015 6:42 PM

This morning I woke up to a (very polite) note on my apartment door from a neighbor about my snoring. Not quite sure what action is appropriate to try and remedy the situation, or if it's my problem at all.

The note was along the lines of "Dear Neighbor, I've been awakened by loud snoring from your unit several times in the past few months. I don't know too much about sleep apnea, but I know people usually don't know they have it. Might want to get that checked out." The note goes on to say the writer hopes I'm not offended -- really just thought I should know.

I really don't want to be a noisy neighbor. I go out of my way to use headphones for music and walk softly, since I do live in an older complex with thin walls. I am 90% sure my bedroom backs up to an adjoining unit's bedroom, and I know there is a bedroom directly below mine.

1) I thought snoring wasn't necessarily a sleep apnea symptom, and I'm otherwise feeling good. Is loud snoring enough of a warning sign that I should talk to my doctor? I've thought about throwing one of those sleep-quality measuring apps on my phone as a first approximation of a "is something weird with my sleep schedule" meter, but I'm really unsure if that's likely to yield decent data (understanding of course that only a doctor + a sleep study could 100% diagnose or rule out).

2) As a considerate neighbor, what can I do here? I totally believe I snore (my father 100% snores, and I know I snore softly sometimes. I'd believe that maybe w/allergens in the air or something I snore louder?) I'm not really sure how to set it right, though, since it's an involuntary thing. Are those breathe-right strips worth trying? I can't really move my bed since it's along the only non-window, non-door wall in the room, which just happens to be shared with another unit.

posted by Alterscape to Human Relations (29 answers total)

Best answer: 1 - Not necessarily, but if it's bad enough that your neighbors are noticing, you might want to get the snoring checked out generally.

2 - Can you hang a blanket or quilt or something behind your bed? Other than that (and checking with a doctor), no, not much you can or really should be expected to do. Snoring isn't loud music or exuberant sex. It's just a thing that happens, and your neighbor will have to deal with it.
posted by Etrigan at 6:45 PM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: If you're insured there's literally no downside to seeing a doctor and having a sleep study done.

If you do have sleep apnea, and you legit are not able to breathe safely throughout the night, wouldn't you want to know?

Once you're sure you're ship-shape health-wise and confirm you're just a loud sleeper, ignore it. Part of living in an apartment is dealing with the noises of other people. If they're so affected by it they can move their bed to another wall or play some soft music or just learn to deal with it.

This isn't you having loud porn sex up against a wall or blaring music. This is just a thing your body does. It's like writing a letter to your neighbor being all "hey, heard your farts through the ductwork in the bathroom. Sometimes loud farting can be a symptom of butt sickness. Thought you should know. Hope you're not embarrassed by your loud butt farts." It's ok.
posted by phunniemee at 6:51 PM on July 7, 2015 [45 favorites]

This would require a small investment, but you could get this device that records any sounds while you're sleeping, and then you'll be able to listen objectively to what's going on (it will also give you a better sense of whether you need a real sleep study).
posted by three_red_balloons at 6:54 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: You should get a sleep study done, because asymptomatic sleep apnea is a thing and is still risky.
posted by Poldo at 6:55 PM on July 7, 2015 [6 favorites]

Best answer: I wouldn't assume passive-aggressive—I would go with genuine neighborly concern for your health. Perhaps leave a response saying that you will check with your doctor and thanking them for the heads up.

If this turns out to be an actual noise complaint, you can recommend ear plugs, white noise alternatives, whatever. And, if you like, roll your eyes while delivering the advice.
posted by she's not there at 6:57 PM on July 7, 2015 [12 favorites]

Best answer: More people than you'd think have known someone with scary health problems related to distressingly loud arrhythmic snoring and this can cause boundary crossing out of concern.

Two days ago I complained to a mutual friend about my housemate's loud snoring (we had just shared a hotel room the night before, it was a light-hearted conversation) and they became super worried for my housemate and told us a bunch of disturbing medical stories including one about a coworker who people thought was napping but was in fact having a heart attack and died in his chair. I don't tell you this to freak you out but just to say that it is perhaps less rudeness that motivated your neighbor and more misplaced worry. In short, I don't think this falls under being a bad neighbor for you at all. Your health is your own personal business.

To answer your other question though, my housemate who snores uses those breathe right strips in conjunction with a mild decongestant depending on air quality whenever we share a hotel room and they really do help a lot. Apparently his sleep is the same with or without them, but my sleep is a lot better because it's not like sleeping amongst chainsaws and merely medium level steady snores instead.
posted by Mizu at 6:58 PM on July 7, 2015 [15 favorites]

Best answer: Is it possible for you to record yourself snoring? It may be helpful for you to have a noise baseline.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 7:02 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I would take this note at face value. It does not sound like your neighbor expects you to do anything to reduce noise. But if you haven't asked a physician about it, it might be a good idea.
posted by grouse at 7:03 PM on July 7, 2015 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I had friends who I was vacationing with tell me this and it turned out I did have sleep apnea. I was also napping a lot and thought it was just from exercising a lot, so I wasn't exactly surprised, and it sounds like you aren't tired or experiencing other symptoms, but I would still mention it to your doctor.

I tried an app called Sleep bot for iPhone that records snoring. (it also does other sleep monitoring stuff)

I asked my doctor about it, and was referred to specialist who then set me up with a home sleep study which involved just wearing this device on my hand, and then set me up with cpap machine.
posted by katinka-katinka at 7:07 PM on July 7, 2015 [9 favorites]

Best answer: If you have an android phone, the "Sleep as Android" app has a setting where it can record snoring, and another one where it doesn't record but will tell you each morning what percent of the night it picked up noise. My husband and I don't snore, but the phone picks up noise about 6% of the night, if that helps as a benchmark (mostly cat purring, I think). (It will also tell you the average across all users).

You could use this to see if you do seem to be unusual, and then follow up with a doctor if so.
posted by lollusc at 7:20 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I didn't see this as passive aggressive - just trying to be friendly and non-confrontational. See doctor, get it checked out, and see if sleeping on your side helps in the meantime.
posted by Toddles at 7:54 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Another vote for "not passive aggressive," and I agree that it can be genuine concern. Do check yourself out with a doctor.
posted by Miko at 7:59 PM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Yeah, if your *neighbor* can hear you, consider a sleep study. Volume is not cute, it's not a quirk.

(Proud user of a CPAP that changed my life.)
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:07 PM on July 7, 2015 [9 favorites]

Best answer: There's a pretty nifty app called 'SnoreLab' which records your snoring and graphs it and has indexes for different mitigating factors, etc. I use it every night, out of interest, and also because I need to charge my iPad anyway.

Once you see what your body does and how it reacts to certain factors (bedtime, drink, exercise, etc.), it's easy to reevaluate your situation, with actual information in hand, rather than just what the neighbours are saying.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:24 PM on July 7, 2015

Response by poster: Thanks for all the feedback and reality check, everyone. I downloaded SnoreLab and SleepBot (I'm on an iPhone), and will try those starting tonight. I'll also look into setting up a sleep study, because it seems like the consensus is that it's not over-reacting to get it looked at.
posted by Alterscape at 8:36 PM on July 7, 2015 [4 favorites]

Also, if you find your mouth falls open at night, or you get sinus problems or allergies, mention that to your ENT/sleep specialist.

I was a horrible snorer my whole life -- everyone who's ever shared my bed has remarked on it, and my husband told me it was audible from the street outside when he was coming home one night.

My ENT doc told me I had gigantic tonsils and a deviated septum that were contributing to my snoring. I've had both fixed, and I don't snore anymore. Truly. It's amazing.
posted by vickyverky at 10:47 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

I used one of those sleep apps that you put next to your pillow and it records when you move around and while the results are interesting they def were not useful for pointing out that I have UARS (a form of sleep apnea). The snoring recording thing might be useful to show to a doctor, but the "sleep quality app" thing isn't that great.
posted by NoraReed at 10:49 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

It is and is not passive-aggressive. They are totally telling you they can hear you snore. That is the #1 point of this note.

I'm going to guess they're also nice people and actually do care that you're not slowly dying of oxygen starvation while you sleep, but really, they want you to stop snoring.

I actually had a sleep study done when it got to the point where my wife couldn't sleep from my snoring. I had mild sleep apnea, mostly just snoring, but you know what - a CPAP machine helps with snoring too. Two problems solved.
posted by GuyZero at 11:28 PM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

Just nthing the idea that you should get this checked out by a doctor. I've had some allergy problems, and evidently, I have also been a loud snorer for years according to my husband. I went to the doc who diagnosed me with asthma. Now I'm on an inhaler, and my husband says that I breathe so quietly at night he feels like he needs to poke me to make sure I'm alive.
posted by tk at 4:12 AM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

Before undertaking expensive changes, why not try Breathe Right Strips? or a similar product?
posted by Carol Anne at 7:37 AM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yes, sleep test, ASAP. Loud snoring is one sign of sleep apnea. And if your neighbors can hear you in other apartments, that means you are snoring LOUD.

It's very possible to have sleep apnea without daytime sleepiness - I have severe (60 AHI) sleep apnea and wasn't falling asleep during the day, but I was depressed, cranky, lacked stamina and focus. I really didn't know how awful I felt from day to day until I got my CPAP and it changed my life. I felt like a million bucks afterward!

You will hear Breathe Right strips, side sleeping, and weight loss suggested as treatments - and while these do help some people, with others (like me) it's an airway problem that really takes a CPAP to treat. I lost weight, use decongestants for my allergies, sleep on my side, and I still have apnea and still need CPAP. My dad was a thin-to-average-weight side sleeper and he was also a chainsaw snorer who I am sure had apnea.

My CPAP is the size of a shoebox and comes with a heated humidifier (a must!), and I use a nasal mask - believe me, the days of cumbersome masks and bulky, noisy machines are over. While it's not alluring or sexy to sleep with a machine - you don't see Angelina Jolie playing a hose-head in the movies! - it has made the quality of my life so much better, and it's worth it.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:57 AM on July 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

You came in to this question with a positive attitude. Your neighbor was really kind, and it sounds like they approached the issue with genuine concern. Wow, that's a great situation. I might consider taking cookies to my neighbors in such a situation.

I hope the health issues are all good.
posted by theora55 at 9:03 AM on July 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

If you're anything like me, you won't notice the difference of sleeping with Breath Right strips, but your neighbors probably will (Mrs. Allkindsoftime does). That said, they don't always prevent snoring. I got checked out by my doc just to be sure and he assured me that it's pretty normal. His biggest thing was air quality - he encouraged me to keep the bed room as sterile as possible, meaning regular dusting and vacuuming - both of the curtains and the rugs, and particularly under the bed and dressers. Also meaning sleeping on clean sheets as much as possible. This has all seemed to help reduce my snoring a good 50% or so.
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:50 AM on July 8, 2015

I think your neighbor was genuinely concerned about your health and was not like "fix yourself so I can sleep".

I generally don't drink wine after 6pm because it relaxes me so much it makes me snore. Have you found any correlation between alcohol consumption and your snoring?
posted by cda at 12:45 PM on July 8, 2015

FYI I am fully insured and my sleep study ended up costing me several hundred OOP.
posted by bq at 10:21 PM on July 8, 2015

The strips do help, though they don't fix everything. It's a good stopgap measure while you're waiting to see a doctor.

I thought I felt fine before I started CPAP. I did not feel fine; I was just used to feeling terrible.

Good luck!
posted by oblique red at 9:03 AM on July 9, 2015

Follow up question: I used SnoreLab last night and I'm trying to interpret my results. Does anyone have any idea what 'mild', 'loud', and 'epic' translate to in decibels?
posted by bq at 9:25 AM on July 9, 2015

I used the contact form to ask:

We don't measure in pure decibels as there are some adjustments made and the readings from the phone don't correspond to a calibrated decibel meter, but approximately 48 and 56 dB.
posted by bq at 1:00 PM on July 9, 2015

For years, my husband snored and refused to think much of it. I was the one suffering, right? ;)

(No, he's a good guy, but he didn't realize how bad it was.)

I kept on him to get to a sleep doc. He finally did once he nodded off while driving and had an accident.

He has SEVERE sleep apnea. The cpap changed his life and improved out marriage. (A wife who can sleep is a happier wife.)
posted by heathrowga at 1:53 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]