Help me sort my values/goals *rationally* & come up with a 5-10 yr plan

March 4, 2016 2:21 PM

I feel I'm at a crossroads, and have conflicting values and needs. I've typically *responded* to life events on an emotional basis, vs. planned and pursued goals. I want to make a life plan to maximize happiness/minimize misery in the short and longer term. If you have strategies for doing so, please share it! Thoughts on my particular situation are also welcome.

Context: I recently had a milestone birthday, one that puts me in the category of people for whom age discrimination laws matter. It's freaking me out. I can't even punch it into a cardio machine yet. It's not that I'm fixated on the number itself (although maybe I am).

I actually feel ok, day to day - the same, fine, good, even. Troubling things: fears about age discrimination - others' perception of the number - and actual biology limiting my choices (reasons below). Awareness that time goes so fast - I feel like 60's going to happen in a blink (and 70 sounds young, all of a sudden?). Awareness that I have limited time and physical energy to GTD.

I know I've been comparatively lucky (in a thousand ways!). But (I know, cry me a river), I've been unhappy for a lot of my life. Pick any Eriksonian milestone, I've only met it in a qualified or partial way.

Nutshell: family of origin issues; adjustment stuff as a child and teen; confusion in early adulthood; abusive relationship; zig-zaggy career, due to indecision and [in retrospect, it's more clear] caring more about relationships than success, plus making bad bets (wrong industries), plus some self-sabotage related to anxiety about achievement. Some lingering issues related to early labels and expectations (was "gifted" in some ways but super not in others that weren't understood at the time. Not angry about that, just have a bit of a hangover from it, self-judgement etc.). Then, I took a hit around the recession. Decided to go back to school to retrain. Some mostly unfun years of focus there, involving some necessary social and financial deprivation. Was slightly derailed by my own health issues [old ones and some new ones], plus family obligations.

I've shed a lot of those burdens over the past few years, thankfully. Now that I'm finally feeling free of many of them, so much lighter in my heart, I want to do everything, and there just isn't that much time.

I'm not sure I can discern what really matters to me. I'm not in the habit of planning, other than this retraining project, about more which below. I'm also not in the habit of success - I'm used to feeling on the marginal side, and feeling somewhat at odds with the position I actually occupy in the world. (I know, cry me a river of melted, super entitled, first-world snowflakes. This is my question, though, and that's what I feel, I guess.)

Facts:

- Single woman, only now thinking about kids. Would be ok with adopting if it came to it, but I'm not financially situated to do it immediately - also unsure whether I'd have the energy to chase a toddler around, within or in five years. Those five years are also the same ones I'd need to do other things, which would definitely take a hit.

- Partner and companion in life, pair bonding - I've been fine on my own (mostly enjoying it), but suddenly, I'm thinking that stuff would be nice. Less urgent afaic, and you know, individual cases are individual cases, but age does matter as far as odds go. Slightly important, inasmuch as friends retreat to their own partnerships, and meeting someone sooner would be easier than meeting someone later.

- I doubt I'll ever be a homeowner, but I need savings for old age. Being broke and unable to work is a bad scene at that time of life. However:

- I'm sick of school. I went back because I couldn't find work when I returned to my country, and I wanted a shot at a decent income doing something I might be good at (allied health stuff - NB, those programs are very competitive in my country). I was laser focused for a good while, got a bunch of gold stars, until I derailed. At that point, I started actually feeling the grind, the isolation. Since the derail, my drive has left me, and I've felt deflated. And I'm not sure what to do now. Is it even worth striving and fighting, over these next few years? The economy's in freefall. How do I know anything I work towards now will still be a lifeboat within a few years? Do I have a real chance to catch up? If it's all going to hell in a handbasket, what difference does it make, maybe I should just commit to hedonism. (A major, irrational part of me is really up for being a middle aged bohemian.)

- Alongside this - the particular allied health profession I was originally interested in, which involves working with people you can see get better, in a mostly positive environment, isn't possible for me anymore, due to my physical health. The remaining options involve dealing with mental health issues, limited wins (rehab with populations with chronic or degenerative conditions), or large (and mostly failing) social systems. I don't feel good about getting into those fields.

- Have been working here and there, but the official resume is really gappy. I live in a competitive city. It'll be down to networks - not sure about chances, with that. Or - government / city jobs that involve tests.

Which might be ok, but. I looked into being a 911 switchboard operator. I saw the personality tool used in the hiring process. I know I'd get a low score on a major hiring point [factors relating to conscientiousness], because I did an extensive aptitude and vocational assessment package a while ago. I'm pretty sure I'd just fail on that factor. Or if I faked it, maybe I'd miss some of the manipulation checks, and be caught. Or if I passed it, maybe I'd just suck at the job.

[FWIW, obviously huge grain of salt, that package said I have reasonable managerial potential, but low conscientiousness. Very high in things related to being arty and "intellectual" (whatever, just being interested in things), and "psychological-mindedness". Strong contrarian streak, and conflicted re responsibility vs. gendered socialization stuff. Taken on its face, I think this means being broke, basically. I also think it doesn't really matter, because people are adaptive. I figure I can adapt. I do have some real issues with organization, though, and that has been a bit of a problem in jobs involving a lot of admin. I also hate admin. Of course, I can do it, it's just an ongoing struggle. I do have attentional issues, but can't take the meds bc palpitations.]

- My city is also a high COL place. I've thought about scaling way back, moving somewhere cheap, getting any job and doing my thing outside of work, but I'm not sure where I'd go. I'm really uncomfortable outside of diverse cities. There are like 4.5 of those in my country (Canada), and the one I can afford has no jobs to speak of. My family's here; family's important to me, parents are aging. Starting over is hard, and it'd be hard to recover from a failed start.

So those are the details.

Main question: Decision making and life planning strategies wanted, particular focus on value sorting. I've done a few, they're different every time, each time is as convincing as the last.

posted by cotton dress sock to Grab Bag (9 answers total)

Response by poster: holy crap, that was long. sorry. thanks for reading.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:21 PM on March 4, 2016

Response by poster: The particular values in conflict: $ + not being broke in old age + probably hating my life + staying close to family in a high COL but psychically comfortable city vs. being a broke bohemian hedonist living the simple, scaled-back life in some liberal, diverse city that doesn't actually exist or a small city that isn't comfortable vs. being a broke single parent in a high COL but comfortable city + probably hating my job + being close to family
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:45 PM on March 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

I like 52 changes by Leo Babauta. Although it's more immediate than the 5 to 10 year mark, it is strategic oriented and may be what you are looking for.
posted by Xurando at 2:55 PM on March 4, 2016 [8 favorites]

that package said I have .... low conscientiousness
So, I am inferring you took this test thingy while your life was really in the toilet and stressful. So I will suggest that it maybe wasn't a good assessment of what you are capable of under better circumstances and the thing you should maybe focus on is creating better circumstances.

A) Eat better, walk more, improve your health. This will give you more to give to whatever you commit to and help your brain function better. That will help you get more focused and structured and get your life working better.

B) I am a hedonist. Freaking out about MONEY is not my idea of fun. I think it is possible to want to make money and also enjoy life. I don't see these as an either/or choice. I very much see this in the AND category.

I doubt I'll ever be a homeowner

Canada is different from the US, but I bought a cheap house in my twenties with zero savings. The seller paid closing costs and we didn't need a down payment because my husband was career military. So, I am currently researching how to get into housing on my terms and I am looking into things like "first time home buyer assistance" programs and foreclosure properties and tax lien sales and so on.

I read a LOT about real estate when I was younger and I have had, for example, a college class on real estate and, with real estate, knowledge is power. So, while you generally can't get a house with no money, homeownership is as much about rights as it is about money and negotiating skills and knowledge of real estate are huge. If you can afford rent, buying may not be as crazy as you think. Plus, hobbies like flipping houses can make you a mint.

I highly recommend you go hang out your local library and read up some on real estate stuff for a bit. Homeownership may not be as out of reach as you think.

If you get good at something like flipping real estate, you can be a bohemian hedonist house flipper with money and afford to adopt a child potentially.

Also, I read some book once -- a biography -- and she kept whining to her therapist about being too old and one day her therapist asked her "too old for what??" And she couldn't quite answer that, but came later and told her therapist "I have OLD EGGS." So, in her early 40s, she adopted two Chinese girls and became a single mom.

Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 3:00 PM on March 4, 2016 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: So sorry, most of these answers are mine :/ Love your answer, MiC, thank you! Real estate in Canada is kind of in a bubble at the moment, though :/ Also just to say, I think that low conscientiousness score roughly captured something persisting and relevant (if not conscientiousness per se), because of some other assessments I've had, plus early report cards and the fact that I have always struggled with organization :/ I'm working on it :/
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:11 PM on March 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Easty to say, hard to do, but you need to prioritise the goals you've laid out up above and build from there. What's your absolute top priority? Is it kids, a partner, good relationship with family? What are the things you can't see yourself happy without? I would spend some good hard time focusing and even if it feels like you can't choose-- assume for the purposes of brainstorming that you need to choose. (If you don't like the results when you're done, you can always toss them.)

Then do a mental exercise where take the assumption that if x is this is the goal you most want, how do you achieve x? Stop second guessing or doubting, you can do that later. So-- for example, if you choose kids, you have the options of finding a partner and getting knocked up, heading down to your local sperm bank, adopting an embryo, adopting domestically via the foster system, adopting internationally. For each of those options, consider what you would need to get it done and what are the pros and cons in terms of risk, feasability, etc.

So then, let's say that of all your hypothetical choices, "sperm bank" is your most realistic option to get you to having children. It has the lowest cost and the highest chance of success. So what do you need to do to get there?
Well, you need 1) Information about laws and available services. 2) A fertility work up to make sure you're not throwing money away 3) xxxx$ for the treatment budget (say 4 tries) 4) good health insurance in case you do get pregnant. You can probably also maximise your success by improving your general health. Also, you know if it is successful, it will be important to be around family once the baby is born since you won't necessarily have a partner as a support system.

So then you know you need a job which gets you comfortably to xxxx$ and which offers health insurance. You need to prioritise working on your general health levels (walking briskly every day?) and you probably either want to find something in your current city or which is portable enough to return so you can be close to your family if it works. And you need a plan b) in case the results of the fertility work up aren't promising.

I would run this kind of plan with different priorities as an exercise and see what resonates. From the sounds of your question, your main barrier is going to be that little voice in your head telling you what isn't possible. At least for me, focusing the planning on a goal goes a long way to shut that negativity down.

(PS, I don't know what your milestone age is, but don't stress about it too much. Age does have consequences, but they probably aren't as bad as you think.)
posted by frumiousb at 6:31 PM on March 4, 2016 [4 favorites]

Best answer: I do a lot of work with personality assessments and while they can really help people understand themselves and enable companies hire for culture fit, they are also woefully misused and misunderstood.

Firstly, conscientiousness is just one personality factor, and doesn't tell the whole story. I'm very low conscientious, but I'm smart enough to know that I occasionally have to do boring admin to keep my job/house/etc. I'm never going to be super organised, but other parts of my personality (highly neurotic, highly agreeable) motivate me to get stuff done. A colleague of mine also has a low conscientious score and was passed up for a promotion on that basis alone by his previous employer- even though he had exceeded his targets for the last 3 years. They told him that he would never be able to achieve anything because of this score. Ridiculous. One factor of your personality does not tell you much about how you actually behave, so don't write yourself off because of it. You said you were laser focussed at school and were doing really well. You obviously are capable of working hard and effectively, you just need the right motivation to do so. And if a company writes you off for having a low conscientious score, they don't understand the tools they are using and it probably indicates it's not a company you want to work for.

Secondly, people with low conscientiousness tend to be much better at thinking strategically, understanding the bigger picture and questioning the status quo. High conscientious people are great at the 'what', but not so much with the 'why'.

That, coupled with a high openness score (guessing from what you described as arty/intellectual/interested) means you will probably be good in jobs that require creative problem solving, thinking differently, connecting the dots.

So your tendency is to think unconventionally (desire for bohemian middle age), but at the same time you want financial security, to be a good daughter, and have a family of your own. So you're in constant conflict with yourself, which is really exhausting.

I have a similar internal struggle, and it sucks. I will always be pulled in at least two directions about everything, so it's hard for me to feel at peace with myself and my decisions. But here are some things that help:

- I work for a company that values creativity and passion over conscientiousness and organisational skills. For a long time I thought my poor organisation was a curse that would hold me back. The fact is, I had always worked for companies with a very process driven culture. I would avoid roles that centre around admin with no chance of moving up. Look at start-ups, consultancies, complex sales roles. Your unconventional CV may also be an advantage in these environments, as it has furnished you with a unique perspective.

- The contradictory nature of the things you want and value mean you will probably always struggle with your decisions, and might become paralysed by indecision. The word decision comes from a Latin word meaning 'cutting off'. Cutting off other choices, other roads not travelled. And because of your curiosity and imagination the cutting off will be more painful to you, because you can see the myriad of pathways you could take. Accept that there will be some pain, whatever you decide. And know that your decisions aren't set in stone. You can back out of most things later if necessary. I've decided on security, for now. It was better than being anxious and scared for my future. But sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is knowing I can choose adventure and recklessness some day.

- Because you are low in conscientiousness (which is also known as low detail) you can see the overall outcome but probably have difficulty breaking down the steps to get there. So pick a direction, and maybe work with a friend to come up with a step by step plan to reach your goal. This is not how I did it- I just took a step in a more or less random direction, and kept moving from there. It's taken me a lot longer than following a detailed plan would have, but that's just the way I work.

- However you do it, get moving. Because you have a big birthday coming up you might feel like the time you have to make mistakes is past, and your next move has to be the correct one. This is not true. There is no correct move. A plane doesn't fly straight, it constantly changes direction and course corrects. A lot of careers start in admin, so maybe go for something like that to get a foot in the door. You know you can do it if you need to, but it will be exhausting and unsatisfying in the long term, so use your natural curiosity to start looking for opportunities to advance as soon as you get in.

Good luck, and don't worry too much about the birthday, it's just a number after all.
posted by Dwardles at 2:49 AM on March 6, 2016 [5 favorites]

I like the way frumiousb laid this out. My feeling is the kids decision is the one you really need to unpack, sort out the possible scenarios and how you would feel about each one. The problem is, at best it involves a certain amount of guessing. There are a lot of narratives out there about people who just know they need to have kids, and people who just know they need to not have them. If you are in the first category, it may still not work out. And you may be somewhere in the middle. But if you know parenting is something you want to do with your life, that is the one decision that is time sensitive.
posted by BibiRose at 7:04 AM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was feeling most of the same things a few years ago, quite possibly in the same city that you are in. I kept looking at real estate listings in Hamilton, or rural Saskatchewan, thinking about doing any job other than the one that was currently depressing me, doubtful that any realistic combination of career+location would be satisfying, wondering if I'd ever be able to figure out what I wanted to do or if I'd have the energy to enjoy it if I did.

I don't have any solid answers yet, but I can report that the feelings come and go. Both values-sorting and therapy offered little help, since they both assume that the answers are inside you. If, like me, you are filled with a thousand pros and cons for every decision, what's inside is generally not all that helpful.

More helpful in figuring out some of my values has been looking back at what I actually do:
- who and what I commit myself to
- what I find easy to do on a regular basis without thinking about it much
- what I do even though it's hard
...and inferring my own values and preferences from that.

That's all I've got in terms of strategy.

(As it turns out, "eccentric member of the Edwardian aristocracy who amuses himself by dabbling in science and history" is a career which is no longer accepting applicants, so I've had to accept that I'll never find a job which suits me perfectly. Instead, I've settled on a combination of "I can tolerate it" and "it lets me save more money than other jobs I can tolerate".)

I seem to recall that The Happiness Trap had some moderately helpful-ish advice on figuring out values, though you do have to get through some cringe-worthy (but mercifully short) evolutionary psychology to get there.

Beyond strategy, I can't help commenting on a couple of specific things:

A major, irrational part of me is really up for being a middle aged bohemian.

"If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves."

I have conflicted feelings about that anti-goal myself. Is it so irrational, as long as you've saved the money to do it without exhausting the resources of those around you? We were raised at a time when mere intellectual ability was thought to lead to success, so if we were identified as "gifted", we internalized the idea that we needed to do something important and useful and admirable with our lives.

But maybe it's okay to enjoy ourselves as we are; smart, sure, but without the drive and ambition and focus and energy to Change The World. Just a normal, limited person, and okay with that.

I don't quite buy my own argument, FWIW.

Single woman, only now thinking about kids. Would be ok with adopting if it came to it, but I'm not financially situated to do it immediately - also unsure whether I'd have the energy to chase a toddler around, within or in five years.

Raising a child is a life goal all by itself. Especially if you're doing it on your own, all of your other life goals become secondary unless you're some kind of superwoman. Perhaps you could master the cello and become a financial whiz at the same time without a child, but a normal person raising a child on their own won't be able to do either of those things until the child is in college. We are a species which depends on alloparenting; there's a reason we're the only great ape in which maternal infanticide is common.

If you do decide to have a child, I would suggest:
- Try to get yourself into a financial position where you don't have to choose between your job and your child on a regular basis. That's a recipe for misery.
- As you've figured out already, buying a house in a major Canadian city can't be part of that plan right now, since it will force you to choose your job over your child almost all the time. A co-op might be a more reasonable way to get the security of tenure and stable community that owning a house typically provides for someone raising a child.
- Don't worry too much about health insurance benefits from your job, since most of what you'd need is covered by OHIP. (Case in point: My daughter spent nearly two weeks in the NICU, and it cost $0.) A bigger challenge in a big Canadian city will be finding a pediatrician.

I also hate admin. Of course, I can do it, it's just an ongoing struggle.

I feel a lot of sympathy for you on this one, because I know how much women get pushed into admin work even if they'd be better suited to just about anything else. I'd love to recommend a technical career to you, since that's where the money is at in major Canadian cities right now - how good are you at fixing other people's computers, and have you ever tried your hand at computer programming? - but I wouldn't be surprised if you find the job market brutal for yourself Because Sexism. (That said, I do know a handful of middle-aged women in technical careers who have managed to completely avoid administrative work. They are, however, very rare. It would be interesting to know how they did it.)
posted by clawsoon at 10:51 AM on March 8, 2016 [1 favorite]