ISO humorous comebacks to midlife crisis jokes.

October 29, 2012 10:24 AM

What are some witty comebacks I can use when being accused of having a midlife crisis?

I'm a 45 year old woman and have just bought a Mini Roadster S convertible. I know it's not a "typical" mid-life crisis car (other than the convertible and two-seater aspects) and I don't care what people think in the end and I love the car but it'd be nice to have a few humorous comebacks to the inevitable "What's up, Midlife Crisis?" jabs I'll get.

My two so far are "Well, if that means I'll live to see 90, then that's fine by me" and "When my ex had his midlife crisis, he quit his job, started smoking a lot of dope and ended up living in a friend's truck. I thought I'd go a different route: I bought a convertible and I'm traveling to Europe in the spring."

Thanks!

posted by Beti to grab bag (43 answers total)

"I'm planning to live to be 200 - now do you want a ride or not?"
posted by ryanshepard at 10:31 AM on October 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

Self-deprecating:

"What do you mean? I'm only 22!"

Guilt-inducing:

"Well both of my parents died pretty young so I'm just trying to enjoy life while I can!"

Owned:

"Haha OK fine I'll let you drive it but promise not to get too much JELLY on the stickshift"
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:31 AM on October 29, 2012

I'm not sure it's a witty comeback, but I always assumed that when people buy nice things a bit later in life, they've been spending time saving, or previously directing resources elsewhere to things that were more pressing. For people I know, I see nice things later in life, purchased in moderation, as a reward for a life well lived (although I'm sure this isn't always the case).

Perhaps a comeback along the lines of pointing out that you have deferred luxuries until a time that you could genuinely enjoy them would be appropriate.
posted by SpacemanStix at 10:34 AM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

"My whole life has been a crisis!"
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 10:34 AM on October 29, 2012 [24 favorites]

I'm 56-and-a-very-large-fraction; at this point, when people give me trouble?
"I'm old, I'm senile: DEAL WITH IT."

Alternatively, you could laugh and say "you're just jealous."
posted by easily confused at 10:39 AM on October 29, 2012

"Does that mean you bought a convertible twenty years ago, then? It must be a real classic by now."
posted by XMLicious at 10:41 AM on October 29, 2012 [8 favorites]

If you're feeling really bold and want to mess with their heads: "Actually, it's to compensate for my small penis."
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:45 AM on October 29, 2012 [32 favorites]

"Yep! This should show 'em the old girl's still got it!" and then zoom away being fabulous.
posted by dirtdirt at 10:46 AM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

A crisis is having terminal cancer or being thrown into a Turkish prison on trumped-up charges. Buying an awesome car is not a crisis.
posted by The World Famous at 10:46 AM on October 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

Um, no. But thanks for playing!
Careful, if you get much greener you'll clash with your shirt.
Midlife crisis? Really? You're going with that?
I like to pretend I'm a cartoon character.
posted by Glinn at 10:47 AM on October 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

"I decided to skip the crisis part and went straight to buying an awesome car"
posted by burnmp3s at 10:48 AM on October 29, 2012 [23 favorites]

"What's up, Midlife Crisis?"

Response: "'sup forehead?"
posted by curious nu at 10:49 AM on October 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

"Not if you go by the Mayan calendar!"
posted by argonauta at 10:51 AM on October 29, 2012 [8 favorites]

Nope. Midlife-I-can-buy-whatever-the-hell-I-want.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:52 AM on October 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

"Mid-life crisis? More like mid-life fabulous!"
posted by Squeak Attack at 11:11 AM on October 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

"no crisis here!"
posted by rmd1023 at 11:11 AM on October 29, 2012

At least it's not a mid-life Chrysler.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 11:13 AM on October 29, 2012 [21 favorites]

How about "I don't believe in mid-life crises."
posted by carolinaherrera at 11:15 AM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'd probably just shrug it off and say "Oh, people still do that?" or "That's for boring people."

I kind of feel like Charlie Sheen ruined mid-life crisises for everybody.

You could also ask people if they're calling you old, or state "I'm kind of saving my mid life crisis for DDD breast implants" and pull your shirt by the 'tits' as far out as you can for emphasis. You could do likewise by saying plastic surgery and stretch your face up towards your hairline.

I'm annoyed for you.
posted by loquat at 11:20 AM on October 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

My personal favourite is "jealousy is such an ugly emotion" but the old standby of "yeah well your face is stupid" can also be useful.
posted by elizardbits at 11:23 AM on October 29, 2012

Macabre: Mid-life crisis? No mid-life crisis here. I plan to stuff this car into a tree down the road in 10 minutes' time. Fuck you cuntychops!

Punny: Mid-life crisis? No, or else I'd be driving a Jagcougar. Fuck you cuntychops!

Serious: Mid-life crisis? The average woman in North America lives to 78. That would have meant having a mid-life crisis at 34. I'm 45. Fuck you cuntychops!

Brief: Mid-life crisis? Fuck you cuntychops!

Even briefer: Mid-life crisis? No.
posted by MuffinMan at 11:25 AM on October 29, 2012

"Well now I'm really not going to give you a ride."

"I'm saving my mid-life crisis for when I have a hysterectomy and get my uterus bronzed for posterity."

"Your problem is that you assume I am at my mid-life. I'm just getting started!"

"Children like you just can't appreciate fine toys like this."
posted by Leezie at 11:26 AM on October 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

Please forgive me if you are not the kind of person who would say this aloud:

"Yeah, and you should see the vibrator I just got!"
posted by Danf at 11:35 AM on October 29, 2012 [9 favorites]

"Maybe. But I'll get through this phase, whereas you'll always..." (long pause, look the other person up and down) "...look like that."

Turn on heels, walk away.

Be content that, at some nights in the future, they'll be awake at 3:30am, making occasional trips to the bathroom to look in the mirror, wondering what you saw and meant.
posted by Wordshore at 11:39 AM on October 29, 2012

At least I got a life, loser.
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 11:41 AM on October 29, 2012

Actually, I rather like your bit about traveling to Europe. Metroid Baby's line about a small penis is wonderful, too.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:50 AM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

If someone says you are having a midlife crisis just say yes. They can't hassle you if you own it and it derails any teasing wonderfully.
posted by wwax at 11:51 AM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

No, I am actually this cool.
posted by CodeMonkey at 11:52 AM on October 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

Wow. People really say that to you?? I get comments on my Mini often, but never a midlife comment and I'm just a couple years younger than you.

However, were I to receive such a comment my retort would be something along the lines of... "that means I've still a lotta livin' to do. Why not do it with the top down?"
posted by FlamingBore at 11:57 AM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Yep!" with a big grin and direct eye contact just a little bit too close for just a little bit too long.
posted by ook at 12:03 PM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

"What? No. This is my practical car. The Maserati is my midlife-crisis car."
posted by adamrice at 12:23 PM on October 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

"You think my mid-life crisis car is hot you should see my mid-life crisis lover."
posted by munchingzombie at 12:26 PM on October 29, 2012 [5 favorites]

What ever you say, you need to end it with "...now watch this powerslide."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:35 PM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

"I am practicing for NASCAR".
posted by Cranberry at 1:02 PM on October 29, 2012

Chuckle unwholesomely and drive off.
posted by Pudhoho at 1:38 PM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Eat my midlife dust"

"Charlie Sheen ruined mid-life crisises for everybody..."

"Yes! Yes it is! Isn't it *GREAT*!"
posted by mazola at 3:18 PM on October 29, 2012

It's not very witty, but I usually go with... "Yeeeah, um. No" with no inflection and a straight face and then walk (or in this case, drive) away. If they're gonna be rude to me, I see no need to be polite to them.
posted by patheral at 3:43 PM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

"My 24 year old boyfriend looks cute driving it."
posted by halfbuckaroo at 4:01 PM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Wow. Did you really just say that?" Then leave.

"Holy crap, what an asshole." Then leave.

"Really? You're gonna...?" Then leave.

Punch them in the tits, then leave.
posted by Pecinpah at 5:01 PM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

I really do think that the right way to deal with this is to laugh it off. Getting pissy would be a mistake.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 5:06 PM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

How kind of you to take an interest.
posted by Bruce H. at 6:08 PM on October 29, 2012

Mid-life is the bit between birth and death!
posted by Coaticass at 2:29 AM on October 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

"That's Midlife ISIS to you!" (ain't no need for the "cry" part)
For those of you needing to brush up on your 1970s saturday morning cartoon education, Isis was an ordinary school-marmy chick transformed into an uber-powerful goddess. Oh yeah.
posted by Debbianne at 11:49 AM on October 30, 2012 [3 favorites]